


Constants & Variables

by NoBrandHero



Series: Constants & Variables: A Species Swap AU [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Action, Alternate Universe, Ancestors, Body Horror, Complete, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Humanstuck, Lusii, Mind Control, Plotty, SBURB/SGRUB, Species Swap, Trollstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-04
Updated: 2015-04-13
Packaged: 2018-01-17 12:45:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 46
Words: 203,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1388143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoBrandHero/pseuds/NoBrandHero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --</p><p>GT: hi!<br/>GT: umm this may sound weird, but it turns out i sorta created your universe!<br/>GT: it's a long story, but the point is we're in danger from something that came from your session and i may need your help!<br/>EB: JESUS FUCK, EGBERT, DID YOU SERIOUSLY CONTACT ME AT THE END OF MY TIMELINE TO TELL ME *THAT*?</p><p>--</p><p>The beta kids are trolls and the trolls are human. Some things stay the same. Other game-related disasters vary as killer glitches infect the game and "Davesprite" plays the role of unwilling villain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

They'd won.

They'd built their hives to reach all seven gates. They'd defeated their denizens. They'd completed the genesis frog. They'd God Tiered. They'd defeated the black king and queen with no player casualties. They'd fucking _won_ , with flying colors even, but somehow it didn't count.

They weren't sure what went wrong, but they knew it wasn't a programmed event: Sgrub wasn't supposed to malfunction and it sure as hell wasn't supposed to destroy its own endgame door in an explosion of static and graphical glitches. Or John sure hoped it wasn't supposed to -- it _was_ a game with a tutorial that involved the destruction of an entire planet's population.

If the endgame had gone as it was presumably supposed to, they would have been in their new universe. Instead they were stuck hiding on a meteor in hopes they'd survive another hour before that _thing_ , that almost-troll-but-mostly-glitch freak, found them again. They were left with little else to do than study the twelve humans and their game of "Sburb" within the newly created universe.

Dave was trying to act chill, but John could tell that he was tense and agitated. Out of all of them, he definitely deserved a freakout the most, but he wouldn't even admit it had fazed him. He sat in front of a monitor, bobbing his head slightly to the beat of his headphones, twitching the mouse here and there but not touching the keyboard.

Jade was doing a less stellar job of hiding her nerves, but she was trying. She gave John a big grin when she caught him staring, but when she thought no one was looking, she shuddered and let out a little silent sigh. Her hands reached for the keyboard, hesitated, and drew back. He wasn't sure he'd seen her so uncertain before.

Rose was the only one he actually believed had recovered from the endgame. She was taking the lead, as usual, typing up a storm on her desktop. John supposed that meant that the players in the new session could communicate with them after all.

John... didn't know how he was holding up. Did that mean he was in shock? It would make sense, considering they might not live much longer if they didn't figure something out fast. All the more reason to grab a shovel and at least try to dig his friends out of the shitfest they were knee-deep in.

He opened a chat window with the leader of the human session.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

GT: hi!  
GT: umm this may sound weird, but it turns out i sorta created your universe!  
GT: it's a long story, but the point is we're in danger from something that came from your session and i may need your help!  
EB: JESUS FUCK, EGBERT, DID YOU SERIOUSLY CONTACT ME AT THE END OF MY TIMELINE TO TELL ME *THAT*?


	2. Act 1.1

A young troll stood in his respite block. It was his sixth wriggling day, and under most circumstances that would mean jackall, but for the first time in his short life he had reasons to be excited for it. For one, the release of a highly anticipated game beta coincided with his wriggling day. For another, he'd accidentally started an ironic gift-off with his online bro and he couldn't deny being kind of excited to get a present on a day normally reserved for contemplating his shortcomings -- not that he tended to do that most sweeps, but if his neighbors asked, that was totally what he did, like any good troll.

His name was John Egbert. He was a cerulean blood and he wore a symbol on his shirt that looked a bit like an M if the letter ended in an arrow. His horns were about medium-length -- not little nubs, but not long enough to make pulling shirts on too difficult -- and traveled back the side of his head in waves, ending in nice points that did not at all match his relatively blunter teeth. His swooshy-looking horns were way better than his stupid, giant teeth, in his opinion.

Ever since he first woke up that evening, John couldn't shake the uneasy feeling that he was being watched. He lived alone aside from his lusus, and his hive had never been haunted before, but he wouldn't mind all that much if he got to meet a ghost. It was a more enjoyable thought than a stalker watching him from his lawnring.

He peered out the window just to be safe. It was well into the night, but his neighborhood was quiet with barely another troll in sight. That wasn't too unusual where he lived; there were other hives, but they had large lawnrings and the structures were built far from each other. He liked the privacy but sometimes it was a little eerie, such as when he was quite sure something was boring its gander bulbs into the back of his neck despite there being no one around.

It wasn't like he had to go outside and brave possible strangers waiting to jump him. It would be handy if he could tell if his packages had arrived by staring at his lawnring, but that was an absurd notion. Both packages would show up on his Small Item Teleporter downstairs at any time. They might have already gotten there while he was busy scoping out his block for stalkers and ghosts.

He waited another moment before spinning around, ready to let out a triumphant "A-ha!" if he caught a startled perpetrator, but he was disappointed: the only trolls staring at him were the still photos on his numerous action movie posters.

On second thought, it was just as well nothing was there, considering he was unarmed and didn't know how to fight an intruder (let alone a possible ghost).

Holding back a shiver, he darted down the stairs, slowing only when he remembered he didn't want to attract his lusus's attention. The last thing he needed was a giant hopbeast to tackle him from behind. That could wait for a less exciting night, when he had less shit to do.

He peered into the kitchen to see if the Small Item Teleporter had anything new sitting on its base. It was empty, but there were two new packages wrapped in red and green sitting next to it and- Aw dammit. His lusus was sniffing them and wrapping around them protectively. Why did it have to go and get to them first? He would have to give up on obtaining game or present in a timely fashion if he didn't want to catch his lusus's attention.

He turned back for his block and almost tripped. The same red package his lusus had just been guarding was sitting in the middle of the floor.

Uh. _What?_

He felt a stare on the back of his neck again, but a glance around revealed an empty block. Okay, there was definitely some ghostly shenanigans going on. Packages didn't just _teleport_ to a perfect position to trip someone up. The ghost must have been a prankster too, attracted to John's kindred spirit. He hoped it was a mostly friendly kind of ghost that would learn to communicate with him and become his best friend. That would be pretty cool. A ghost that just spied on him would be less cool and maybe would require bunking with Dave until it went away.

John heard a curious squeak from the kitchen and took that as sign to grab the package and abscond the fuck out of there before his lusus could bound over to coddle him.

He flung himself into his seat to find a chat window flashing on his computer monitor, but it could hold its damn hoofbeasts for a few seconds as he settled back into his block. He ripped open the packaging to find a small but sturdy blue hammer from Dave.

Hell fucking yes, he could not have hoped for better timing to finally fill his strife specibus, with a ghost intruder in his hive and all. The mallet end did not feel as hard and lethal as a proper weapon, but Dave knew John didn't need to bludgeon anyone in the area that badly and it was perfect for, as was written on the handle, "Wiggler's First Hammerkind."

He supposed a gift so ironically thoughtful earned Dave an acknowledgement on Trollian. He stuck the hammer into his strife specibus, feeling grown up and safe with it in his inventory, and turned to his keyboard.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

TG: yo egbert welcome to six sweeps hows it feel to have finally caught up with the rest of us  
GT: i'm all caught up in this sweet, sweet emotion called victory.  
TG: pretty sure thats not an emotion  
GT: it is absolutely an emotion, shithead, starting from right now.  
TG: well then better ship that bill off to lalonde for an official stamp of approval  
TG: make it a new piece of legislation  
GT: maybe i will. :P  
GT: right after i finish admiring this awesome hammer some secret admirer sent me for my wriggling day.  
GT: it is such a tragedy i will never know the sender's identity. i would probably fall in love with him.  
TG: mystery of the sweep right there  
TG: better get troll sherlock holmes on the case  
TG: dont touch that hammer too much we gotta check it for clues  
GT: haha, i know it was you, bro.  
GT: and i'm not in love with you.  
GT: in case it was not clear that that was part of the joke too.  
TG: im crushed  
GT: i'm so sorry.  
GT: but thanks, dude, i don't normally get exciting surprises on wriggling days.  
TG: haha dude its a piece of shit it could barely knock out a rust blood  
TG: its meant for wigglers in training  
GT: well, maybe i like it anyway, shitface!  
TG: you seriously used it for your first strife specibus weapon didnt you  
TG: i can barely fuckin believe youre doing this shit unironically  
GT: this shit is awesome and no amount of you saying otherwise will change my mind.  
GT: take my unironic thanks!  
TG: hell no dont infect me with that shit  
GT: too late! call giving someone a present on their wriggling day ironic all you want, but this was too thoughtful a gift!  
TG: thats just part of the irony  
TG: sides i had to get you back for that ironic as fuck present you got me  
GT: heheh, i just wanted an excuse to send you shades! that it was ironic timing was icing on the cake.  
GT: i never asked, did your irises finish changing or was it just a false start?  
TG: they are officially a gray free zone  
TG: gray has to get a special permit to park in these peepers  
TG: and gray aint got the money for that kinda permit this is prime realty were talking  
TG: so gray got totally fucking evicted didnt even have time to collect its belongings before it was thrown outside on its ass  
TG: kinda sad if you ask me but its the law  
TG: cant make an exception  
GT: wow.  
GT: that is REALLY premature.  
TG: yeah i noticed  
GT: sorry, buddy.  
GT: what are you going to do when we're adults and you have to reveal your blood one way or another?  
TG: eh ill just go rogue  
GT: well that seems kinda drastic. :P is your blood really THAT bad?  
TG: getting a little nosy there egbert  
GT: what? dude, i'm not asking for details.  
GT: i wouldn't even give a shit anyway. your blood could be rainbow tie-dye and i'd just be like, whatever! let's watch another movie, bro!  
GT: just saying, i don't think even a burgundy blood would need to be that extreme.  
GT: and also i kind of would miss your dorky conversations and maybe even your stupid slam poetry if you went rogue.  
TG: id stay in contact  
TG: cant abandon my bro even if its risky to log in with the empire on my tail  
GT: well don't get yourself fucking culled on my account either, dumbass!  
TG: that was totally my plan john go on the run and get caught by drones immediately like a stupid fucking wiggler  
TG: but you have now given me new purpose in life ill have to completely rethink this  
TG: gonna turn over a new leaf  
TG: devote my life to volunteer work  
TG: ill teach slam poetry to the less fortunate til they get culled  
TG: give them at least a little coolness in their short sorry lives  
GT: oh my god you're a douche.  
TG: so my awesome bro offering isnt the only package you got tonight was it  
TG: you didnt happen to come across some game grubs of a beta  
GT: oh yeah! i got those too, but they're with my lusus right now.  
GT: i'm so pumped to try this shit out. you're playing too, right?  
TG: nah  
TG: lalonde was practically begging me to tho  
TG: on her digital knees in tears that someone so awesome refuses to join her party  
TG: it was a pretty sad sight  
GT: i'm... sure that's exactly what happened, bro.  
TG: you questioning my honesty egbert?  
GT: yes.  
TG: well anyway you should let her know youll be her partner in shitty gaming instead of me  
TG: get her off my ass  
GT: hm, i suppose i should try to snatch the game grubs from my lusus before he tries to fucking eat them or something stupid...  
TG: not that i normally mind hot girls on my ass  
TG: but not when were talking metaphorically i mean whats even the fucking point of that  
GT: dave...  
TG: granted even when were not talking metaphorically we all know our positions would be the other way around  
GT: that was a fucking hint that i'm logging off, dave.  
TG: no ones touching this ass that facts so obvious i dont even know why id need to state it  
GT: whatever. ttyl loser.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

Well, he supposed that meant he really did have to go face his lusus. Or he could pretend that telling Dave that he needed to see his lusus was a prank, not a lie? No, that was stupid. Or he could hope the totally-not-freaky-at-all resident ghost that had decided to make itself known on his wriggling day would be feeling nice enough to teleport the second package to his room? Actually, no to that too; he didn't want to be indebted to a stalker ghost.

He crept back downstairs and, sure enough, his lusus was chewing tentatively on the corners of the package. John let out an annoyed shout, which successfully diverted the lusus's attention away from the game beta; instead its beady eyes fixated on him. It only took two leaps for the hopbeast to reach him from across the room and slam into him so hard he would have fallen if it hadn't wrapped around him, its long floppy ears resting over him like a tent.

Everyone made fun of his hopbeast lusus for being a giant fluffy creature that spent most of its time shitting, sleeping, and cuddling, but they were conveniently missing the fact that its skin was as thick as fucking rock apparently and it had a _death grip_ when it wanted to cuddle its ward.

John smacked his hands against the side of his lusus, but the hopbeast just started bathing his horns with its tongue -- eeeew, how old did it think he was?

He fumbled for his strife specibus like an amateur until he felt the hammer slide into his fingers. He beat at his lusus's leg until it finally seemed to notice he was trying to abscond. With one final lick to his horns, it unwrapped around him and wandered away.

He would have to remember to thank Dave again. That hammer was the best damn "ironic" present.

He grabbed the other package and absconded the hell back to his room, not even bothering to check for a ghost when he felt eyes on his back again.

By the time he returned to his computer, there was a new message on Trollian. He picked the packaging open as he read the bright green text.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

GG: happy wriggling day john!! :D  
GG: oops i mean  
GG: morose and self reflective wriggling day john >:( grumpy cranky serious face  
GT: haha, thank you, it's been mostly happy so far.  
GG: yay!!!  
GG: have you grabbed the game grubs from your lusus yet?  
GT: yeah, i just did and how the hell did you know they were with my lusus?  
GG: dave told me  
GT: no way, you're just pulling your freaky lime blood psychic powers again, aren't you?  
GG: nope!! :) that is not even close!  
GG: lime bloods arent even psychic silly  
GT: bullshit.  
GT: you can't fool me, jade, i am the pranking master and you are trying to pull one over on me.  
GG: youre the one with mind control ancestry mr cerulean blood!!  
GT: hey, not all cerulean bloods have mind control!  
GT: i mean i sure as fuck don't. thanks for the reminder though! i like knowing i'm a failure to my hemocaste.  
GG: drama queen :p  
GT: excuse me, i am sensitive as shit about being the only boring person among my friends without a funky rare blood color.  
GG: thats not true!! we dont know daves blood color  
GG: for all you know hes a boring olive blood  
GT: but he gets to be a mysterious motherfucker about it. that's almost as bad as a rare color!  
GG: i suppose thats true  
GG: it does seem pretty cool just because we dont know it....  
GT: you should use your lime blood psychic powers to rat him out!  
GG: what no!!  
GG: i still dont have psychic powers but even if i did i wouldnt use them for an invasion of privacy like that  
GT: do it! rain on his mystery coolkid parade!  
GG: you use your cerulean mind control!!  
GT: ARGH!!!!  
GG: anyway i should stop bothering you so you can concentrate on your chat with rose  
GT: i'm not in a chat with  
GT: ok, or she logged in and started trolling me. just now. after you said that.  
GT: dammit, jade, how do you do that?  
GG: maybe ill tell you sometime  
GG: like during the game! :)  
GT: i'll hold you to that! i want in on this secret!  
GG: dont worry youll see for yourself soon enough  
GG: also sorry about your lusus :(  
GT: what?  
GG: bye!!!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

Oh jeez, that did not bode well.

He ignored Rose's chat window just long enough to peek downstairs and watch his lusus scrounging around the floor for dropped food like a living vacuum cleaner. It was okay. Maybe Jade was just referring to how his lusus was always tackling him and her warning was nothing sinister at all. That weird ghost had damn well not have been on her mind!

He returned to his computer to insert the Sgrub beta's game grub. The installation looked like it was going to take half of forever, so he turned to Trollian again.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

TT: Hello, John. I hope you're having a pleasant wriggling day, as oxymoronic as that statement sounds.  
GT: i guess it's an oxymoronic night, because it's been pretty fun so far!  
GT: dave sent me my first weapon for my strife specibus!  
TT: Ah, yes. The hammer?  
GT: yes! it is so sweet, rose.  
GT: it got my lusus to leave me alone right away so i wasn't stuck under him for two hours!  
TT: Did you also receive a beta for a certain game?  
GT: nope.  
TT: Are you sure?  
GT: duh, i would have noticed something like that.  
TT: I'm fairly sure you've received it.  
TT: It arrived a while ago for me.  
GT: well i have not. maybe they forgot to send mine.  
TT: If you insist.  
GT: jk, it just finished installing!  
TT: Really now.  
GT: yes, really, that one is not a prank.  
TT: Oh, I can tell, from how my server installation has finally picked up on your client's signal and I can see every cranny of your block.  
GT: wow. creepy, rose.  
TT: I won't snoop. Much.  
GT: you did not warn me that you'd get a view of my hive in this game. i, uh. i would have at least cleaned! maybe.  
TT: Don't worry. The clutter gives me far greater insights into your psyche anyway.  
GT: okay, that being creepy thing has not stopped yet.  
TT: John, what the hell was that?  
GT: what the hell was what?  
TT: There was a red blur right behind you. It almost looked like my computer lagged.  
GT: umm  
GT: was it, uh. did it look like a stalker ghost?  
TT: I'm afraid I'm not qualified to make that distinction.  
TT: That seems more your expertise.  
GT: okay, it's just i think there's a ghost stalking me. but i have not caught it yet! it's pretty damn frustrating.  
TT: I imagine.  
GT: it's a rude motherfucker.  
TT: Whatever it is, I'll try to snag a screenshot if I see it again.  
TT: In the meantime, I'm going to try deploying some of the items at my disposal in the Sgrub menu.  
GT: uh. okay?  
TT: Shit. Not enough space. Let's see what I can move around...  
GT: rose, that's my recuperacoon!! or it was.  
TT: Oops. These controls are a bit sticky. I'll replace that for you later.  
GT: bluh bluh, i'll still have nightmares til you get your royal butt on that.  
TT: You're welcome to stay at my hive until I can have the replacement arranged.  
GT: and fucking drown!  
TT: I keep air-locked rooms.  
GT: argh, maybe. >:(  
TT: Attempting to deploy this machine again. Look out below.

With a thud loud enough to shake the ground, Rose's cursor dropped a large metal machine where his recuperacoon used to sit.

She sent him instructions for each piece of machinery she laid out across his house, never giving him even a chance to work it out for himself. He couldn't deny, Sgrub was a pretty lame game if the tutorial was anything to go by. Being ordered around to do boring pointless tasks and watch his furniture get flung about haphazardly was pretty much the opposite of fun.

He drew the line when he saw his load gaper floating around.

GT: omfg. rose, stop yanking my appliances out of their damn sockets!  
TT: It's a temporary problem. I'll fix it once I've gotten these controls to behave. They're quite finicky.  
GT: temporary, my ass. does this game reattach pipes?  
TT: I suppose we'll find out.  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is no longer connected! --  
GT: rose?

There was a loud thud as the load gaper smashed through the floor, the sound soon joined by a high pitched squeak that cut off abruptly downstairs. Oh god, he hoped that was just an extra noisy machine Rose had placed down there without telling him.

He crept to the stairs to check the damage, holding his breath.

His lusus lay dead in the rumpusblock, its head thoroughly bashed in by the falling ablution block fixture that fell through the ceiling. Its skin was thick, but falling furniture must have passed that limit.

With a sinking sensation in his stomach, John had a feeling it was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted a drawing of the beta kids as trolls on my Tumblr, if anyone's interested in seeing the designs I had in mind: <http://turntechgodoka.tumblr.com/post/81739018288/when-i-was-first-contemplating-the-dynamics-of>
> 
> Details I am well aware that I'm fudging: troll names with only four letters, John wearing the Serket sign, and no typing quirks. For what it's worth, I can mostly defend these choices: Name changes are distracting and we can pretend trolls use four letters in this AU; the Serkets are human here and thus the Scorpio symbol is up for grabs; and... Okay, I have no excuses for the lack of typing quirks. I was just lazy. Or I could argue that if Karkat's all-caps counts as a quirk, why not these, but maybe that's stretching it. :D


	3. Act 1.2

A young troll sat at a computer in her underwater respiteblock. Her Internet had just gone out at the most inopportune possible moment.

Her name was Rose Lalonde and she was the heir to the troll empire -- the soon-to-be-empress, once she had her chance to take out that nasty witch of an empress currently sitting on the throne. She dressed in dark-colored swimsuits with hints of purples that complemented the fuchsia symbol on her front, which was shaped a bit like an H with curved sides. Not that she cared about complementing colors, because fashion was silly, but she didn't want to look dumb either, hence adding a skirt that flowed well in water to her ensemble. Her horns stood straight up and parted in three spots each on the way up to make for a rather elegant pattern, while her teeth were small but quite sharp.

Her hive was deep underwater in the middle of the northern ocean. It had two airlocked blocks in reserve for any landwelling visitors she received -- a total of zero so far -- and was bigger than she knew what to do with. Most importantly, her Internet connection had never faltered in over five sweeps.

She was more inclined to blame her computer when Trollian went offline, the Sgrub window froze, and the connectivity icon turned to a red X. She tried to reset the connection, but the Wi-fi signal was just plain gone no matter how much she refreshed. Frowning, she set about rebooting the entire computer.

Given that it would take five minutes to restart, she swam from her desk to check on the status of the router just to be safe. She was quick enough with the locks that she had one of the air-tight rooms unsealed in thirty seconds. Underwater routers existed, but they were finicky and she'd never had a problem with the land-based device before.

The lights on the router were all dark. She narrowed her eyes and lifted it to search for a switch or reset hole to get it working again, but the culprit of her troubles was far more obvious: the power cord had been yanked out.

Her hands tensed. She set the router down carefully, plugging it back in while feigning an air of indifference. It was only as the power light blinked on that she spun around, needles out of her specibus and in her hands in an instant.

No one was behind her.

She caught a flash out of the corner of her eyes, just a touch of red, and turned to catch it, bearing her teeth, but it moved faster than her gaze could follow.

The door that led to the surface slammed and she snarled in its direction, ready to give chase, but by the time she reached the exit, staring up the long ladder out of the ocean, the intruder was already gone. She frowned all the more. It had gone up a thousand feet in less than _ten seconds_.

She made a quick scan of the room, but nothing else appeared disturbed. Whoever they were, the only obvious damage they'd done was interrupt her Sgrub session. She locked the door and shoved a cabinet in front of the exit before leaving the room, sealing it safely behind her, still ready to retrieve her weapons again at a moment's notice.

It would be a good ten minutes before the Internet returned at a dependable enough rate to boot up Sgrub again. It was just as well to use the time to feed her lusus so she wouldn't have to worry about it later.

She made her way to the giant fridge where she kept the carcasses of freshly killed lusii, wrapping the nearest in a net so she wouldn't have to touch its bloody form as she swam it outside and deeper into the ocean.

She'd been fortunate enough to find a herd of musclebeasts on her last round to the surface that she planned to ration them out to last a good perigee. She liked to hope a lusus running wild in a herd had a lower chance of having a little grub back home waiting for its return. It was difficult to feed her behemoth of a lusus while orphaning as few trolls as possible, but an empress would do what was best for her citizens -- even if that wasn't how the current empress operated on any level, it was how Rose would rule.

Any other troll would have been awed by her lusus, if not downright terrified like the poor violet bloods who swam across it while lost, but after more than six sweeps of mutual caring for each other, Rose didn't even blink as she neared the giant creature made of tentacles so numerous she couldn't hope to count them.

She felt its mind prod at hers, a hunger at the forefront of its thoughts. There were no words, but she knew the signals well enough to translate it as basically, "You brought me breakfast? Good, I was getting peckish."

With a careful swing, she tossed the dead musclebeast at her lusus. The carcass floated over and her lusus caught it in its mouth.

Rose waited a moment as her lusus chewed before saying, "Someone was in my hive today, Gl'bgolyb. Do you know what they were after?"

The lusus froze. A wave of thought rushed through her, but the only coherent word she could make out was _Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad_. She rarely pried more details than that from any given conversation with her lusus, but sometimes that single word was more specific. (She'd rather hoped for something descriptive, like "thief" or "assassin.")

"Is it safe for me to return?" she asked when the psychic panicking calmed to a whisper.

The lusus sent her an affirmation. At least there was that, then. She waited until Gl'bgolyb finished eating and made sure it wouldn't require more sustenance before swimming back to her hive.

She was deep beneath the water, but her eyes were made for seeing through great depths and she frowned when she glanced toward the surface. Bright orange flashes were streaking across the sky. She knew the meteors were coming with the launch of Sgrub, but it was different to see them in person, so soon after they'd started the game no less.

She tried not to dwell on what a waste all of her plans had been, if there was no planet left to govern. Still, most trolls were off-world. The race would live, even if her insides curled at the thought of a full generation wiped off the map because of a game release.

According to plan, both computer and router were done rebooting and ready to go by the time she reached her hive. All that was left was to reopen Trollian, Sgrub, and the game walkthrough from the far realms beyond time and space. She settled in front of her desk.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

TT: Sorry about that interruption. I should be back for the foreseeable future.  
GT: rose, what the hell! D: you dropped the load gaper on my lusus!  
TT: Is he all right?  
GT: i think he's dead. :C  
TT: Fuck.  
TT: My router was unplugged.  
GT: oh.  
GT: well i'm glad it wasn't on purpose or anything, i guess, but...  
GT: shit, what am i going to do? i don't know how to hunt or anything!  
TT: It's all right. We can fix this.  
TT: There's a mechanic for merging sentient beings into a game construct. I've had plans to use this on Gl'bgolyb.  
TT: As far as I can tell, it's just as effective on the dead as it is for the living.  
GT: you mean... it'll bring him back to life?  
TT: Yes.  
GT: like a zombie?  
TT: No.  
TT: Though I don't think he'll be quite the same. I'm not sure on that front.  
TT: Go fiddle with the Cruxtruder and I'll move your lusus's body when it's ready for the merge.  
GT: okay...

She walked him through the last few steps of readying the kernelsprite for prototyping, following her semi-secret game guide by the letter just to be safe.

As far as she could tell, everything went according to plan, but John was frustratingly slow about replying to her with the results as he watched his newly prototyped guardian flitter about him.

TT: Did it work?  
GT: well  
GT: i guess maybe he's alive?  
GT: he's making pretty weird noises.  
GT: and is following me around but that part is pretty normal.  
TT: Hm. That isn't what I expected. Perhaps that's temporary. I'll look into it.  
GT: so what's this timer on the cruxtruder for anyway?  
TT: I believe it's the countdown for a meteor collision.  
GT: WHAT!  
GT: there are meteors heading for my hive????  
TT: Don't worry. Once we get you into the game properly, you'll be safe from them.  
GT: rose, this game is insane!  
TT: Yes, I assumed it would be, considering the description of it I was given included "can teach lusii to talk."  
GT: but that's a fun kind of insane!  
GT: this is fucking dangerous and i'm getting a little nervous!  
TT: It's okay, John. There's not much left to go before you'll be safe. I'll walk you through the rest.  
GT: what happens if i just quit?  
TT: Well, the meteor crashes into your hive and you probably die. I'd prefer if that didn't happen.  
GT: bluuuuh! this game fucking sucks and we're not even out of the goddamn tutorial yet!  
TT: I'll get you through this as fast as possible. I think you'll find more enjoyment in the main content anyway.  
GT: if you say so. :(

She did her best to follow through with that promise, leading him through the rest of the tutorial with as much haste as she could muster when he kept goofing off and not replying to her messages for five minutes at a time.

She kept catching flashes of a red blur shadowing John, but she couldn't hit the Print Screen button fast enough to view it in detail. She thought she had it, once, when she'd left her finger of the button; the only thing odd that the screen capture showed was broken red pixels hovering in a corner of his block.

John seemed happy enough with his conclusion that it was a "ghost" but, after Rose's unexpected visitor, it put her on edge.

She jumped as her hive trembled. A meteor must have landed closer than usual. She stared up at the nearest overhead window, watching the meteors fly by so far above the water. She shook her head and returned to the computer, startled to find John's chat window replaced by a new incoming message.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

GG: hi!!! :D  
GG: how is the game going so far?  
TT: Honestly? Not well.  
GG: aww :(  
GG: it will get better soon!  
TT: I hope so.  
TT: You're certain that turning our lusii into game constructs will enable them to speak with us?  
GG: yep!! do not worry that will definitely happen  
TT: Good, because I may have inadvertently killed John's lusus.  
GG: oh nooooo  
GG: i didnt realize that was you :(  
TT: Well, it was my Internet giving out, at any rate.  
TT: You knew of this?  
GG: umm :x maybe!  
GG: it is a bit complicated  
TT: Just as you knew this game would give me the ability to consult with my lusus.  
GG: exactly!  
GG: and dont worry johns lusus will be talking and driving him crazy with cuddles again in no time once he enters the medium <3  
TT: I'm glad your predictions have been accurate so far. I would feel a bit guilty if I'd permanently orphaned a dear friend.  
GG: aw it wasnt your fault!  
TT: All the same. I was the one who insisted he play with me.  
TT: Jade, you're sure Sgrub marks the end of Alternia?  
GG: afraid so!  
GG: itll be okay though we will figure other things out  
TT: Would this be happening even if we hadn't decided to play?  
GG: are you worried about this being our fault? :x  
TT: I'm afraid I can't help pondering that, yes. Especially given that this is the populace I'm meant to govern and protect, not obliterate for the sake of entertainment.  
GG: well if it wasnt us it would be someone else playing the game and sending off the meteors   
GG: it is kind of inevitable  
GG: so dont feel too bad!  
GG: i mean it is a shame but i am glad my friends will be the ones who live through the apocalypse!  
GG: even if that is maybe a little selfish  
GG: i like to hope other sgrub teams make it through too!  
TT: That would be a nice thought.  
TT: Thank you. I might tuck that optimistic belief into the back of my mind while we continue this path of destruction.  
GG: no problem! :D glad to help!  
GG: is everything else going all right?  
TT: More or less. Strider still insists he won't be joining us.  
GG: he will come around!  
TT: Are you sure you won't save me the spongeache of convincing him and be my server player instead?  
GG: nooooo!  
GG: sorry im sure it would be fun but i have to be daves server player and john will be mine!  
TT: What would happen if you ignored these intuitions of yours and acted as my server player anyway?  
GG: umm.....  
GG: im not actually sure o__o  
GG: but i dont know if i want to find out either  
TT: Fair enough.  
TT: I need to get back to John before I let him get squished worse than his lusus was.  
GG: okay!!  
GG: you will do fine dont worry! :)  
TT: Thank you.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--

To her relief, John had been too busy running around to notice her short absence from his chat window. There wasn't much work left to do, but the countdown was ticking far too fast. In the end, he finished his entry item with only seconds to go.

She smiled when John's hive was upended onto a game-made planet, just like the walkthrough had said. She supposed that meant it was time she could stop watching over his shoulder so closely and get to work on her own self-preservation, especially considering the frequency of meteors flashing past her overhead window.

With a sigh, she selected another name on Trollian.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TT: John said you sent him a wriggling day gift.  
TT: You really do enjoy subverting expectations, don't you?  
TG: what can i say  
TG: it comes natural  
TT: Subvert my expectations and play Sgrub with us.  
TG: hm  
TG: nah  
TT: Is there a reason you refuse to play a simple game with friends for a few hours, or are you just antagonizing me?  
TG: that game looks boring as shit and im a busy man  
TT: Hm, yes, Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff must occupy all of your feeble think pan's facilities. I apologize for not putting that together sooner.  
TG: gotta keep up a buffer  
TG: otherwise i might run out of pages at an inopportune time and my endless readership will go into sbahj withdrawal without their nightly fix  
TG: and where will we be then  
TT: Oh dear lord. The IQ levels will skyrocket to dangerous territory.  
TG: chaos everywhere  
TT: You can't let this happen, Strider. I can't govern a populace that knows how to tie its own shoelaces.  
TG: im on it  
TT: That's why I can always count on you.  
TT: Can I also count on you to play Sgrub with us, like the dependable friend you are?  
TG: fuckin seriously?  
TT: At least install it before you write it off as "boring."  
TG: its probably gonna be like one of those damn browser games that addict you with dullness  
TG: you say itll just take an hour but then were up all week watering crops as if it actually matters  
TT: If this turns into a farm simulation, I assure you that I will be the first to suggest we switch to Left 4 Culled 2.  
TT: (But I swear to god, if you or John throw another flammable fluid bottle lit with a rag in our path on purpose again...)  
TG: all right fucking fine  
TG: but dont expect a wriggling day gift from me when the time comes  
TT: I am perfectly happy to accept this as an early "totally ironic" wriggling day gift.  
TG: only so much expectation subversion i can do per friend  
TT: You'll run out of irony.  
TG: what no  
TT: You might have to change your font to a real blood color at this rate.  
TG: the fuck no  
TT: You are aware that traditionally trolls go anonymous with a gray text color, correct?  
TG: i am shocked and dismayed ive been doing something nontraditionally all these fuckin sweeps  
TT: All I am saying is that I would not be disappointed to wear your irony thin enough that you change to something that pops out a little less.  
TT: You are catching unwanted attention with red font, you realize that?  
TG: so?  
TT: So if your intentions are to avoid harassment and drones, congratulations. You're subverting your own expectations now.  
TT: Your text begs the question even to my mind, what the hell kind of blood do you have?  
TG: its the beautiful shade of none of your goddamn business  
TT: So change your font to gray and stop piquing interest.  
TT: Normally even burgundies aren't culled on sight, but this kind of blatant disregard for the hemospectrum mixed with lower blood could get you in trouble, Strider.  
TG: you want to worry about someones font habits you should bug harley about her text  
TG: that shit isnt lime its fucking neon  
TG: people are going to think shes advertising a club  
TT: To be honest, I do wish her text would accurately reflect her blood color, seeing as she isn't trying to be anonymous. I worry sometimes that both of you are in danger of attracting drones.  
TG: so hurry up on that becoming empress thing and let up on the culling  
TT: I don't think you understand societal pressure and how poorly sudden change would go, even change for the better. I'd have to phase culling out very slowly.  
TT: Even if I was empress right this very moment, there's only so much I can do in a culture that regards anyone who stands out with such hostility.  
TT: Would you care to hear my carefully laid plans to overturn this toxic mindset over the course of the next hundred sweeps?  
TG: yes rose i totally want a whole lecture on politics and mob psychoanalysis  
TG: but what happened to playing that dumb game  
TT: I knew you'd be begging to play by the time I was done hassling you.  
TG: you cunning monster  
TT: Get the game ready. I'll keep working with John for now, but I may not have much time.  
TT: Contact me when the program is ready.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

A bright orange flash lit up her windows and the water rocked enough that her hive shook. The meteors were getting uncomfortably close.

She heard a psychic cry in the back of her mind. Normally her lusus only spoke in incoherent whispers that she could barely make out from her hive, just loud enough to remind her not to skimp the next feeding time, but this sent a jolt through her. Gl'bgolyb was crying out in fear -- thankfully only in psychic form, but it forewarned an incoming glub.

The water felt cold. All it would take was one more stray meteor, landing just a little too close, and Gl'bgolyb might let out a yell loud enough to wipe out the species. And she had to count on Dave fucking Strider to prevent that.


	4. Act 1.3

A young troll lounged in his respite block, drawing an intentionally shitty webcomic to pass the time as a non-intentionally shitty game installed on his computer. His name was Dave Strider, he lived on the top floor of a communal hive stem in a large city, and he was cool as shit no matter what his friends said.

He wore a red and black raglan with the sideways 69 symbol donned by trolls who wanted to keep their place on the hemospectrum secret. The symbol was supposed to be gray, but he wore it in bright candy red. Not because it meant anything; it was just ironic, going anonymous but using an inappropriate color. It wasn't his blood color, obviously, because that was impossible and he sure as hell wasn't some kind of red-blooded freak. Though that would make the irony that much sweeter. Almost a shame he definitely, absolutely had a normal blood color.

His eyes were supposed to be gray, but they'd changed prematurely when he wasn't quite six sweeps and he hid them behind a pair of shades every waking moment. He would have worn the shades regardless of his eye color though. For one, they were so shitty they came full circle into ironic coolness; for another, his best bro gave them to him as a wriggling day present and there was no way he wasn't honoring that.

His horns were sharp and smooth, just long enough to grab with both hands for a throw, but angled back too much to add a stab to his headbutts, because his body liked to find new and exciting ways to put him in danger. On the upside, his teeth were fucking razors all across the board.

Great fiery fuck, Sgrub was a slow piece of shit. He'd managed to complete an entire comic from concept to colors and the game wasn't even halfway done installing after those three and a half minutes of hard work. There was seriously a second game grub to install? How much fucking hard drive space was this thing going to suck up?

He reached for the client grub to check if it even bothered to include its specs, but even though the packaging sat where he'd left it, the grub itself was gone.

He stared at the empty space for a moment before his gaze trailed across the rest of his desk, then down to the floor in case it had been knocked down, but the damn thing was gone. He knew he'd set it there; why the fuck would he have moved it?

He would have noticed if his lusus had come into his respite block, no matter how zoned out he could get when drawing SBaHJ. If he hadn't misplaced it, and his lusus hadn't taken it, and game grubs didn't come back to life and crawl away last he fucking checked... The skin on the back of his hand was starting to crawl. Maybe it fell under the goddamn desk or something.

Before he could check, a new chat window with Rose opened over his freshly finished masterpiece. She'd probably make him regret it if he didn't reply fast enough, so he tried to shake off the uneasiness regarding the game grub and concentrate on Trollian for the time being.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TT: Are you ready yet?  
TG: hang on i cant find the other fucking game grub  
TT: Do you have the server grub?  
TG: yeah i guess  
TT: Then worry about the client grub later. Time is of the essence right now.  
TG: awright whatever its already installing  
TG: and taking its damn sweet time btw so dont go blaming me  
TT: That's fine. I'm sending you the list of items i need you to deploy as soon as you can access the menu.  
TG: got it  
TG: im in  
TG: spying on your hive like an internet stalker checking out your abode and abusing the zoom function  
TT: And here I forgot to put away my scandalous materials. Your poor innocent eyes must be burning in their sockets at the sight of my steamy novels.  
TG: those covers were never meant to be seen by troll gander bulbs  
TG: im blind now  
TT: Do I need to remind you that we can't dawdle?  
TG: wow this game is so fun and totally not a waste of my time so far  
TG: so i can put this cruxsomething and shit wherever right  
TT: Within reason.  
TG: gotcha  
TT: ...And you took that as permission to throw my recuperacoon out?  
TG: what? it was in the fucking way  
TG: you have your weirdass machine now right  
TT: Yes, I suppose that's what's important. Did you read my notes or did you choose the Cruxtruder as the first item to place by sheer coincidence?  
TG: i skimmed them  
TG: how the hell did you figure out how to do all this game shit so fast  
TT: I just observed John play through a successful tutorial.  
TT: Why? Were you expecting me to stumble my way through this game? Are you implying something about my prowess as a gamer?  
TG: well obviously everyone knows highbloods are shit at puzzle solving  
TT: Your information is a little inaccurate. That's only true when highbloods are bombarded by messages from needy anonymous castes.  
TT: Speaking of, can needy anonymous castes read notes or not? I need to know if you understand the purpose of the Cruxtruder.  
TG: whats to understand  
TG: you chuck some shit in and it comes to life like a fucking troll frankenstein  
TG: except apparently attributes of troll frankenstein get fused with your future npc enemies  
TG: so literal shit would be an ideal candidate for stapling together your frankenstein i guess  
TG: wheres your load gaper  
TT: You're not touching the toilet, Strider. I have other plans for the prototyping.  
TG: holy fuck what happened on the screen why did your hive shake  
TT: That was another meteor. We're out of time.  
TT: Prototype Gl'bgolyb. I'm moving so your cursor is in the right range for her.  
TG: uhh  
TG: okay that sounds like a really fucking bad idea  
TG: next i can drop the load gaper on your head  
TG: or lift up your entire hive and land it in a goddamn volcano  
TG: shit im running out of terrible ideas to compare this to  
TG: that is how bad an idea this is i am speechless  
TT: We don't have time for this. Prototype my lusus.  
TG: and give our enemies the power to murder trolls with a yell  
TG: dammit rose i thought you were the smart one  
TT: Strider, if you don't prototype Gl'bgolyb in the next thirty seconds, you and Jade and everyone else in this galaxy are DEAD.  
TT: Prototype. My. Lusus.  
TG: fuck all right you could have started with that

To pick up a giant sea monster and deposit it into a glowy ball with the click of a button... Maybe he should have been feeling all-powerful, but it was pretty fucking weird. Shit, that was a disturbing lusus. What was it, twice the size of Rose's hive? He didn't know it was possible for that many tentacles to exist at once. No wonder she was so damn creepy, if she'd been raised by that thing.

He thought he saw movement out of the corner of his eye, but before he could even turn to check a sharp pain shot across the side of his neck. He let out an involuntary hiss as he slapped his hand over it. What the fuck was- His hand came away covered in blood: bright and shiny candy red blood.

He slammed his hand back over the wound, breath catching as he tried to hide any sign of the blood on his fingers or seeping out of his skin. Oh god, oh fuck, oh shit, Jade was going to act as his server soon; she couldn't see into his block yet, could she? His view of Rose's hive wasn't a two-way street, was it?

He could barely keep his other hand still long enough to type a sentence.

TT: All right, the immediate danger posed to our species has been sidestepped.  
TT: Now we need the Alchemiter and the Totem Lathe set up before the meteors get closer.  
TT: Strider, are you still there?  
TG: hang on i gotta get a thing  
TT: Strider...  
TG: brb  
TT: Don't you DARE...

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TT: STRIDER!

He tore for the ablution block, still pressing his fingers hard against the wound. It was just a cut, not even very deep, but the blood had almost seeped down to his shirt by the time he reached a mirror. He leaned over his sink, letting gravity direct the blood away from anything stainable, and ran the cold water on full blast.

He couldn't bandage it properly until the bleeding stopped or else the color would just seep through, but he splashed at the wound until it was clean before shoving a bandage against it. He almost had the panic under control -- no one had seen, no one was even fucking around, even his lusus wasn't there to reprimand him for spilling blood -- until he took another peek at the wound once it finished clotting. That wasn't a freak cut; it was caused by a blade.

Someone was in his hive. He forced his breathing to stay deep and even. Someone was in his hive, they moved fast enough he never fucking saw them, and they _knew his blood_.

His grip increased to the point his claws almost sank through the bandage, but he needed to relax, needed to focus.

Something moved behind him in the mirror. He turned just in time to catch the tail end signs of a flashstepper.

His mind raced -- give chase or bandage the wound, stop a dangerous intruder or hide his blood, die now or die later -- but six sweeps of instinct won out. He shoved the stained bandage deep into a garbage bin under the sink before slapping on a clean one and taping it over the remnants of the wound.

Confirming one more time that his blood was hidden, he darted back into his block and equipped the sword from his strife specibus.

Someone punched him in the back hard enough that he stumbled forward. He spun around, but the attacker had already flashstepped away. He growled at the block, not sure which direction the fucker had disappeared to.

His cell phone flew across the room and slammed into a horn. His vision went dizzy from the sensation and he slid to his knees, trying not to move his head. He was in the perfect position for an enemy to finish him off, but the only sound from his assaulter was the slam of his door. They were going to retreat when they had him on the floor? What the fuck did they even want?

He cringed and hunched over, trying to massage the tingling sensation out of his horn. His phone was flashing with a new Trollian message from John of all people. With nothing better to do and in desperate need of a distraction anyway, he slid the phone near enough that he could reply.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

GT: what the hell are you doing???  
GT: you're supposed to be rose's server player right now!  
TG: she can wait a sec  
GT: no she fucking can't, shit for sponge!  
GT: you know what happens if she doesn't enter the medium soon?  
GT: bad shit, dave.  
GT: bad. shit.  
TG: ive got my own bad shit to deal with right now okay  
GT: like what?  
TG: its no big deal i fucking got this no problem  
TG: i just need a fuckin minute  
GT: WHY?  
TG: some speedy asshole broke into my hive alright  
TG: i need to give them a hole in their think pan as soon as they slow down enough i can even fucking see them  
GT: is it a ghost?  
TG: no it is not a fucking ghost  
TG: what is with you and goddamn ghosts  
GT: um...  
GT: "ghostyTrickster" seemed like a hint.  
GT: it is not an ironic username, dave. i know that is hard for you to comprehend.  
TG: okay well its still not a ghost  
GT: can you ignore it a little while?  
TG: no i cant fucking ignore it  
TG: this is a matter of honor john  
TG: cant let even a ghost think it can waltz into the strider hivehold without a complimentary can of whoopass  
TG: highest quality whoopass no less the expiration date is really short so gotta serve it quick before it goes bad  
GT: dave, rose could die if you don't hurry!  
TG: wait for serious  
TG: or is this another prank  
GT: look out your fucking window and tell me those meteors are a prank!  
GT: this would not even be a funny prank! and you know i wouldn't tell you to ignore a ghost if someone wasn't really in trouble!  
TG: yeah i guess thats true  
TG: all right fine ill ignore the fucker for now and make sure lalonde gets out of this shit first  
GT: thanks, dave.  
TG: nbd

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

With a cringe, he stumbled back onto his feet. Rose had more than a few harsh words to throw at him when he trolled her, but she brought the chat back to professionalism after a few back and forths. Her hive was shaking worse than ever, enough that he actually felt bad for abandoning her -- not that he'd tell her that.

The spongeache from the assault on his horns had finally dulled by the time Rose's hive was safely relocated to some weird, bright planet of pastel rain. He didn't have time to step away and make a proper scan of his hive for the intruder before another chat window replaced Rose's.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

GG: almost ready? :D  
TG: not exactly  
GG: ?  
TG: for one the fucking client grub went missing  
TG: for another i think theres a goddamn thief in the hive or something fuck  
GG: oh!  
GG: no no no it is just with your lusus!  
TG: how the fuck do you figure that  
GG: educated guess!! collecting my important stuff is the sort of thing my lusus does all the time  
TG: didnt johns stupid hopbeast steal his game  
TG: maybe youre thinking of him  
TG: dont know how the hell you could get us confused though jade come on  
GG: heheh dont worry i wouldnt do that!!  
GG: i know johns lusus grabbed his game too but things are very different with his lusus  
GG: i mean the poor thing died by load gaper D: that is kind of hard to get mixed up!  
TG: wait his lusus is dead? how the fuck did that happen  
GG: well sometimes furniture gets flung around a bit too much in sgrub :x  
GG: i will do my best not to mess up your hive but there will probably be a mess anyway sorry....  
TG: lalonde killed johns fucking lusus  
GG: not on purpose!!!  
GG: tonight is just kind of a bad night for our lususes  
GG: but at least we can prototype them and that will be fun because we can talk to them!!  
TG: youre going to prototype yours?  
GG: yep!! kind of have to :\  
TG: have to  
GG: if i want to make sure he comes into the game with me then yes!  
TG: will i have to  
TG: with my lusus  
GG: ummm you will see!  
TG: youre being cryptic again  
GG: yes i noticed! that is intentional, silly!  
TG: its kind of fucking annoying is what it is  
GG: :(  
GG: well i dont think you are supposed to know certain things yet....  
GG: but i will say this  
GG: remember that everything will work out and that the rest of us have to prototype our lususes  
TG: that seems ominous  
GG: yeah sorry it kind of is :(  
TG: something happens to my lusus  
GG: :x  
GG: yeah.....  
TG: fucking great  
TG: can i stop it  
GG: probably not.....  
GG: do you WANT more detail?  
TG: probably not thats just fucking asking for trouble i figure  
TG: getting forewarned of shit before it happens  
TG: means i get to cause it by trying to prevent it right  
GG: yes probably :(  
TG: okay then  
TG: time to go face whatever the fuck disasters coming up  
GG: i will help you pick up afterwards dont worry!  
GG: im rooting for you!!!!! go get him mr cool strider!!  
TG: damn straight  
GG: damn right! :D

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--

He wandered out of his block, not really expecting to find anything. He would have _seen_ if his lusus snuck into his room and stole a goddamn video game.

His lusus was curled up in its nest by the kitchen and- A blur flashstepped away, but for just that split second, it almost looked as if the mystery "ghost" was sitting against the lusus's exposed stomach. The client grub sat safe in its packaging in the intruder's place, untouchable without reaching past the lusus's claws.

No one could get that close to the giant crab without losing an arm. Dave couldn't even get cuddles from the cranky asshole -- not, uh, not that he'd tried -- not unless he was upset enough that his lusus deemed him worthy of comfort. Maybe it was in a docile mood, or caught up in some weird crab hormone cycle that meant it wouldn't attack everything in sight.

Dave swallowed and tried to creep up on it, grab the game and abscond the fuck out of there before- The lusus raised its head. He backed away as it screeched at him, getting to its feet.

"Hey, _no_ , I do not have time for this shit." Dave held his hands up in surrender. "I just need that grub there and I'll go back to my block, okay? We'll strife later."

His lusus gestured wildly at the bandage on his neck, shrieking at him.

Dave set a hand over the bandage even though it was too late to hide it. "Yeah, dude, there's someone else in the fucking hive. And you let them within one fucking inch of you without skinning them, so don't fucking blame me if I can't keep up with them either."

His lusus bellowed at him in its usual "not buying your bullshit" tone and raised its claws.

Dave stepped back. "Aw'right, fine, fuck, we'll go to the fuckin' roof, okay?"

His lusus seemed satisfied with that, letting out a grunt as it dropped its guard, but it waited for Dave to take the lead where he couldn't sneak off.

The sky was almost lit orange with the number of meteors flying overhead as he stepped off the stairs onto the roof, but Dave's attention snapped to straight in front of him as he caught a glimpse of another flashstepped movement.

Jade's warning flew through his mind. He equipped his weapon and moved to block the stairs, acting as a shield to his lusus. He hadn't counted on the flashstepping assailant hitting him so damn hard that his sword broke in half and he slammed back into his lusus. Dave could catch himself by clinging to the railing, gasping from the force of the attack, but his breath stopped as he heard the thundering of his lusus crashing down at least one flight of hard concrete stairs.

Dave didn't move in the following silence, hoping for an angry screech from his lusus and expecting another assault from his mystery intruder. There was nothing. He finally dared to look down the stairs, tensing up even before he saw his lusus lying just outside the door to his hive.

He knew it wouldn't move, but he waited a good half minute in hopes of proving himself wrong before he finally rested his forehead against the railing and groaned. Jade was right to have been cryptic. He'd caused what he'd tried to prevent, just as predicted. He could get the client grub finally, but that seemed like a hollow goddamn victory.


	5. Act 1.4

A young troll napped in her respite block. Her name was Jade Harley and she was the last living lime blood on Alternia. There was nothing special about her blood, no neat powers or anything; it was just a hue highbloods had tried to cull to extinction, which she categorized more as "nuisance" than "special."

Her hive sat deep in a forest far, far from any other hives. It was a great location for lots of gardens and avoiding aggressive trolls. Her only worries came from wandering lususes and she had her large woofbeast lusus Becquerel to watch out for her. It was a little lonely sometimes, but she was used to it and she had her online friends to keep her company anyway.

Her horns sat straight up on top of her head and they were shaped a little like her lusus's ears, to her great delight. She wore a dark shirt with a symbol shaped like a squiggly cane with a vertical line through it. Unlike her fun, bright, deniably "lime" font, the symbol was in the correct yellow-ish green shade of her blood. Who would wreck their very important symbol with a funny typing color?

As far as she was concerned, however, her outfit was a pair of golden pajamas with a moon on the shirt. Normally she enjoyed long naps of flying around Prospit, greeting her carapace friends, and checking on John slumbering in the tower opposite hers, but she knew she'd be waking in a few minutes. She had to get Dave's next message, after he finished mourning his poor lusus, but in the meantime she wanted to watch Skaia's clouds while she could.

Sometimes they repeated scenes she already knew, such as the moment she would enter the Medium with John's help -- ohhh, she did not like that her recuperacoon was missing from her hive in that cloud -- and when Rose would defeat her denizen with considerable effort. She was more interested in the unfamiliar images: Jade sitting with Rose on a rainy planet, exchanging their secrets; John's denizen almost killing him when he would make the mistake of letting his guard down; all their hives built so tall they were mere feet from reaching the final gates...

She studied anything that might be helpful for their game session until the Trollian alert on her computer sounded loud enough to snap her out of sleep. She blinked a few times, always a little disoriented when woken involuntarily, and Bec padded over to nuzzle at her cheek. She wrapped an arm around his neck.

"It's okay," she whispered to him. "No nightmares this time. Only Prospit."

He whined a little anyway, giving her a reassuring lick.

She was really going to miss such calm moments, even though she'd been waiting most of her life for the game to start.

She patted his head as she heard Trollian chime a few more times with the messages she'd woken up for.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--

TG: hey  
TG: jade  
TG: you there  
TG: harley  
TG: thought you were wanting to get a move on with this game shit  
TG: did you seriously go to the load gaper  
TG: meteors are falling jade and youre busy taking a piss  
GG: oops!  
GG: i was napping actually!  
TG: so you made the trek to your cocoon for a nap in the middle of the fucking apocalypse  
TG: ok that makes sense  
GG: no no!  
GG: i stayed at the computer dont worry!  
GG: i made sure the sound was loud enough trollian would wake me :)  
TG: you slept without sopor slime  
TG: when did you level up to total stoic badass  
TG: behind harleys infinite neon green emoticons is the blood pusher of a stone cold motherfucker  
TG: who knew  
GG: :O  
TG: yeah right behind one of those  
GG: o__o one of these?  
TG: youve got it  
TG: the sign of a true badass  
TG: clearly i  
TG: have gotta step up my game ～(￣△￣～)  
GG: OH MY GOSH O_O  
TG: yeah i guess thats too much even for me  
TG: ill leave the slime-free napping and emoticon abuse to you  
GG: um ok i guess!  
GG: i was just trying to prep for the game while i could though, not be a badass  
TG: what by scaring yourself shitless with nightmares  
TG: guess that makes sense wouldnt want to get caught with a case of the runs in the middle of a delicate operation  
GG: ewww :(  
GG: i did not even have nightmares let alone a potty break  
TG: you dont get the nightmares?  
GG: oh sometimes i do! but not very often  
GG: i guess i am pretty lucky!  
TG: yeah no shit  
GG: oh no are they bad for you? :(  
TG: nah  
TG: i mean i sleep in slime anyway its not like they have a chance to get near me to begin with  
GG: yeah the slime definitely makes sure they do not happen!  
TG: but you dont always have them even outside of your cocoon  
GG: um nope they are usually overruled by ummm  
GG: other types of dreams :)  
GG: is that weird?  
TG: just fucking kind of  
TG: you never noticed every other troll in existence except for probably fucking sea dwellers cant get a full days sleep if theyre not rolling in sticky green shit?  
GG: ummm  
GG: dave you are the one who lives in a city....  
GG: i sorta do not know many other trolls! or get to watch them sleep  
TG: count yourself lucky  
TG: the assholes downstairs sometimes wake up screaming because theyre too fucking high to remember to waddle their wasted asses into their cocoons  
GG: oh nooo that cannot be fun to listen to!!  
TG: eh sometimes its funny  
TG: if im not trying to sleep  
GG: :(  
TG: anyway i guess the meteors are still falling and shit if thats relevant  
GG: oh!!  
GG: do you have your client grub now?  
TG: yeah i got it  
TG: and you were right  
GG: about what?  
TG: i need to prototype my lusus  
GG: oh D:  
GG: i am so sorry dave  
TG: my damn fault  
TG: but whatever  
TG: we can fix it at least right  
GG: yes definitely!!!!! dont worry!!  
GG: you already have the hang of things from working with rose right?  
TG: yeah i guess sort of  
TG: was only kinda paying attention to that boring shit  
GG: oh um well thats okay, i can walk you through most of it  
GG: im already installed and ready so let me know when to place your items! :D

Sometimes Jade almost wondered if Dave acted a little _too_ cool. It really would have sped things along if he was uncool enough to care about learning how to play Sgrub, so she didn't have to explain things she was quite sure he must have seen Rose do already.

She explained in careful detail how to procure the Kernelsprite and prepare his entry item, but even then she wasn't sure how seriously he took her. She'd just deposited his poor lusus's body into the kernelsprite when she got a message from Rose.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--

TT: Have you started Sgrub yet?  
GG: yes! :D i am getting dave all set up now!  
TT: Do me a favor?  
GG: ?  
TT: Make Dave's life just a LITTLE miserable for me as his server player, would you?  
GG: heheh aw rose that is mean!  
GG: he got you in safely didnt he?  
TT: He dawdled and fucked shit up and made a mess.  
GG: yes but besides that  
GG: your lusus is all properly prototyped and no one was killed by any glubs! that is a pretty decent server player!  
TT: Hm. That certainly is a lot of detail that I have not shared with you, Jade.  
TT: You know more about this game than you let on, don't you?  
GG: maybe :)  
GG: you will understand better once you wake up!  
GG: besides youre pretty knowledgeable about this too.....  
TT: You've caught on faster than the other two.  
GG: !!! :O  
TT: Perhaps I'll save my secrets for when you reveal yours.  
GG: oooooh >:O  
GG: okay that is fair  
TT: Yes, you have your own share of secrets.  
GG: here is a question that is probably fair to ask  
GG: how is your prototyped lusus? :D  
TT: She is... not as different as I'd like.  
GG: still illegible??  
TT: No. Just unhelpful.  
TT: I assumed she could impart strategies on defeating my predecessor.  
TT: The empress must have weaknesses. If I can just exploit them, I should be the first heiress in two thousand sweeps to survive against her.  
TT: But Gl'bgolybsprite is insistent that there is no winning strategy. She thinks I'm too weak.  
GG: what an unsupportive lusus D:  
GG: i hope bec does not secretly think those kind of things about me!! guess ill find out soon...  
TT: I shouldn't think so. Your lusus sounds far more loyal than mine. In a way, I'm not really surprised about Gl'bgolyb harboring a lack of confidence in me.  
TT: I just thought I could wring advice out of her regardless of her opinions of my prowess.  
TT: Hearing various ways to say my goals are pointless gets a bit aggravating after a while.  
GG: aww  
GG: what does that creepy eight tentacled seabeast know anyway??  
TT: Quite a lot, actually. She has limited psychic knowledge of all things before the game and even some basics of Sgrub. Our session is the first uncertainty I've found in her.  
GG: well  
GG: she still doesnt know everything!!  
GG: i am sure you can beat your mean jerkface ancestor!!!!  
TT: Is that your own form of fortune telling speaking?  
GG: just a hunch!! :) i dont actually know everything either just what the clouds show me  
GG: i havent even seen how we win this game  
GG: but i am sure we will!!!  
GG: just as i am sure you will defeat the empress someday!!  
GG: us lowbloods could use an awesome advocate for us on the throne too, so in a way i am counting on you too!  
TT: Thanks for the vote of confidence.  
GG: oops :x  
TT: Oops?  
GG: ok you will be happy to know i may have accidentally thrown out daves recuperacoon  
TT: Splendid. That does bring me a little relief after all the spongeaches of this game.  
GG: you know....  
GG: sometimes i think you two are headed straight for a kismesissitude!  
TT: Don't be silly.  
TT: The power imbalance is too extreme. Besides, he could never hope to keep up with me well enough to be my rival.  
GG: whaaaat? nooo dave is awesome!  
GG: he is so cool rose! he would be such a cool kismesis!!  
TT: He's all yours then.  
GG: nooo no no no no no that is not what i meant!!!!  
TT: Oh? Perhaps you want him in the flushed quadrant?  
GG: noooooooooooooo omg rose!!!!!!!  
GG: i am leaving this conversation now and getting back to my server player duties!!  
TT: Yes, I imagine you want to spend more time with Strider.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] blocked tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] unblocked tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

GG: YOU ARENT FUNNY!!!!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

Oh goodness, Jade had never blushed that hard before in her _life_. She purposefully avoided Dave's messages for a few minutes, only to be greeted with an ocean of red text when she did brave his chat window.

TG: alright now what  
TG: ok awesome that is really detailed  
TG: i dunno if ill be able to get that all right in one go tho  
TG: you might need to break it down into smaller instructions  
TG: whatever ive got this rose sent me info on this shit ill just see if its physically possible to thoroughly read it  
TG: ok nope no fucking way im choking on the condescension and elitism  
TG: be careful of those highbloods jade  
TG: you think you can trust them then you turn your back and bam  
TG: you have been stabbed to death with fancy vocabulary and polite mannerisms  
TG: rose told me "please" once it took me a goddamn week to recover  
TG: for fucks sake that shit is spelled "plz"  
TG: hand it to a fucking sea dweller to stupidly complicate shit  
TG: you know whats stupidly complicated  
TG: juice bottles  
TG: they never fucking open on the first try  
TG: and at first its like whoa fucking weak my grip must be shit i gotta get back on the exercising daily thing and stop being such a lardass  
TG: until you realize that not even roses creepy lusus has the strength to rip open that shit on its first try  
TG: first you gotta hold it under hot water for sixty two seconds  
TG: not a second less not a second more  
TG: then you wrap your shirt three times around the cap before its safe to resume the futile attempts to rip it off  
TG: and you finish it off with a sledgehammer  
TG: but in the end you realize you could have just bought a fucking juice box with a straw instead of a cap  
TG: then the straw would rather snap in two than pierce through foil  
TG: basically  
TG: you can never have juice jade  
TG: it is impossible  
TG: the juice manufacturing gods have decreed it  
TG: no one can sip this sweet nectar without passing five deadly trials of fire and finger blisters  
TG: holy shit did you know someone invented a stupid little jar opening tool  
TG: check it that shit only costs five beetles on amazon  
TG: think i should go for it?  
TG: i guess thats a pretty pointless purchase at the end of the world  
TG: its cool we can just invent our own bottle openers

Well... At least he was just rambling to himself again and not actually mad at her for going AFK.

There wasn't much for her to do as a server player in Sgrub once the Alchemiter and everything was within his reach -- not until it was time to build up his hive in-game -- so she picked up one of her portable computers, one she'd designed that projected a hologram of her programs around her head as she walked, and just talked to him that way. She needed to grab something.

Bec was always a few steps behind her and nudged her hand a few times until she patted his head.

She climbed down her tall tower of a hive until she reached the ground floor. She opened a chest that contained every object she'd ever excavated that used to belong to her ancestor. She sifted through the journals and old movies until she found the single rifle tucked away at the bottom. She didn't like to use it much, in case of wearing it out, but for the upcoming task, she needed the best, most reliable weapon on hand and her upgraded rifles just didn't always cut it when she needed the feedback and weight of an old fashioned gun. She loaded it before setting it safely in her strife specibus.

She received a message from John before she could start the trek back to her block, so she settled herself onto the floor and replied from there. Bec curled around her.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--

GT: hi jade!  
GT: i alchemized a portable computer so i can finally talk to you all whenever the hell i want!  
GG: you didnt already have one?????  
GT: um, no?  
GG: shoot i should have gotten in on the ironic gift giving this sweep and sent you a few!  
GT: a few??  
GG: yes at least three but five is safest  
GG: be sure to make something hands off next!! those are extra helpful  
GG: maybe a pair of computer glasses  
GT: huh, that's a good idea. i'll play with the alchemiter again soon.  
GG: so are you enjoying the medium?  
GT: yeah it's pretty cool. my lusus is all better, except for having no legs.  
GT: i haven't seen that ghost thing since i entered though. i'm pretty mixed on that.  
GG: ghost thing??  
GT: yeah!! there was this freaky thing that kept moving shit around in my hive. and rose saw a blur on her screen when she was helping me get into the game.  
GT: it seemed harmless, but kinda frustrating!  
GG: hmm yeah i think i know what you are talking about but i honestly do not know who or what it is either! i dont think it is a ghost though  
GT: something jade harley doesn't know ahead of time?  
GT: holy shit it's a miracle.  
GG: nooo dont go taking up silly religions because of that!  
GG: its just that even in the clouds it moves too fast for me to make it out!  
GT: ...the clouds.  
GG: oh shush!!! you will understand when you wake up! :p  
GT: well duh. this is absolutely me messaging you as a sleepwalker.  
GG: you will understaaaand  
GG: just trust me!!  
GG: it makes sense  
GT: not to my sleeping think pan it doesn't.  
GG: you are not sleeping buster i could tell if you were!  
GG: or i could just ask rose to spy on you!  
GT: no way! she would never betray me!  
GG: HMMMM  
GG: yeah she probably wouldnt  
GT: that is why she is my best friend.  
GG: i thought dave was your best friend  
GT: no, he is my best BRO. there is a difference!  
GG: what am i?? :O  
GT: my best bud obviously!  
GG: hee okay i like that  
GG: ill be your best bud!  
GT: it is a great honor!  
GG: as great an honor as having you for my server player?  
GT: even GREATER, jade.  
GT: oh, wait, am i supposed to do that now?  
GG: yes that would be helpful :) im almost done getting dave in  
GT: okay, i guess i'll head back to my hive then.  
GT: i might have to fight past a few imps, but it'll only be a few minutes.  
GT: i'll troll you again when i'm there.  
GG: okay!  
GG: oh! let me know if you spot your ghost again  
GG: now im really curious about it .___.  
GT: you'll be the first to know.  
GG: thx! <3

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--

Dave was having difficulty with his entry item when Jade returned her concentration to Sgrub. There wasn't anything she could do to help, other than reply to his complaints, and it would work out on its own if he was just a little more patient anyway.

Bec stiffened, his ears shooting up before flattening against his head. He launched out of the block, barking wildly as his voice grew all the more distant. She almost wanted to yell at him to stop, but it would be pretty pointless. She knew what was coming.

She equipped her rifle and hurried after him. The barks grew into a barrage of angry snarls as he found whatever had alarmed him, then his voice cut off into a pained yelp followed by silence. Oh no, that was a bit harder to hear than she'd expected. She swallowed and ran into the garden outside of her hive. Bec's body was lying limp on top of half-grown vegetables, lime blood spilling out of a large stab wound in his side.

Poor lusus. He really didn't stand a chance. She readied her weapon, aiming it at the air over Bec, and waited. The intruder moved too fast to see, but her trigger finger was quick and her aim instinctual after six sweeps of practice. Some of her plants swayed, as if rocked by a breeze, and she fired.

The blast of the gun was followed by a strange shriek. It sounded like no troll voice she'd ever heard and it seemed almost robotic, if she didn't know better. For just a split second she saw the silhouette of a figure, hunched over in pain, but they moved away before she could make out any detail. There was no blood, but small orange horn fragments scattered to the ground. They could have come from any horn shape, but they sparked with what almost looked like static or... pixelation. It was kind of creepy and she was relieved when the distortions in the space around them faded away after half a minute.

It wouldn't be a lethal wound, if she only hit a horn, but it had to hurt a _lot_. It served them right. They were lucky she hadn't blown out their think pans, really! That had been her intention, but at least it looked like they'd been properly scared away. Maybe they'd think twice before trespassing on someone's property and murdering a perfectly innocent guard woofbeast.

Poor, _poor_ Bec. He was so overprotective when she could have looked after herself against an intruder just fine. Oh well. It was a good thing John would be logging in soon to help her prototype the silly woofbeast. She'd have felt bad if he'd been killed permanently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Character intros are over! :D Next chapter is the first one set in Sgrub!
> 
> By the by, I post updates for this fic on [my Tumblr](http://turntechgodoka.tumblr.com/) if that's useful for anyone.


	6. Act 1.5

John used Dave's wriggling day present as a base to alchemize a large assortment of weapons that even the ironic coolkid wouldn't scoff at, but the fact of the matter was, with only a couple of nights of practice, John was not all that good with his strife specibus.

The strifes weren't too hard near his hive, where Rose could aid him by throwing around furniture, or when there were only a couple of imps nearby because swinging a hammer around was not all that difficult, but he got a little nervous when there were enough enemies that some semblance of skill might have improved his chances of getting out of the horde alive.

At least he had some help from his lusus -- who, for some odd reason, had dubbed himself "Bunnysprite" even though "bunny" was a perfectly nonsense word as far as John knew. Normally Sprites were forced by Game Law to be as vaguely unhelpful as possible, but Bunnysprite was all too happy to jump into frays and smack around any imps that were getting the upper hand against John, once they were high enough level that Bunnysprite could leave the hive and join John in his wanderings around LOWAS.

It wasn't that much different from back on Alternia, really. Any time someone had threatened John when he dared leave his lawn ring, his lusus had come to his rescue. The main difference was that the hopbeast had been more likely to hide John than fight if a highblood was involved (John had had nightmares even in his cocoon for half a perigee after a freak encounter with a purple blood). As a Sprite, however, Bunnysprite didn't hesitate to attack Sgrub enemies regardless of strength -- probably because they couldn't go whine to their sea dweller friends and order a testy cerulean blood culled afterwards.

All the same, there were only so many enemies that Bunnysprite could take at once. During an especially long trek from John's hive, a good thirty imps and five ogres surrounded them and Bunnysprite leapt into the fight immediately, but enemies slipped past him in no time. John tried to defend himself, but he fumbled whenever he wasn't fighting one-on-one.

"John!" Bunnysprite headbutted an imp that had almost struck John in the back. "Use the Windy Thing!"

"What?" John said, swinging his hammer in a wild circle that hit one imp and missed three others.

"The Windy Thing!" Bunnysprite slammed into one of the imps that John had missed. "You're a Hero of Breath, so you can do the Windy Thing!"

"Okay, saying the same two words does not make them suddenly make sense!" John ducked back, trying not to let the imps corner him, but they were coming from pretty much every angle. Oh jeez, and those were two ogres getting ready to charge him from either side.

"John, _hurry_!"

John gripped his hammer tightly. He didn't have a damn chance against that many enemies with just a normal weapon. He _needed_ that Windy Thing, whatever it was. Something to do with wind, presumably, wind and a thing, or a thing that was wind, or- Okay, that line of thought was not actually helping. He closed his eyes and concentrated. He just needed to use the _Wind_ -

A gust of air shot out around him. His hair and clothes flapped every which way and the nearest imps cringed, some going so far as to back away. With an extra flex of mental muscle, the breeze grew beyond storm levels of wind, whipping even the ogres into the air and slamming them into trees hard enough that they burst into piles of grist. Bunnysprite probably would have joined the whirlwind if he wasn't bound to John's Sprite pendant.

John didn't let the air calm until every imp was either dead or flung far enough away it wouldn't be bothering him again anytime soon.

"You did it, you did it, youdidit!" Bunnysprite tackled John in a hug, wrapping his ghost tail around him. "My little wiggler is the best little wiggler, strongest little wiggler, cleverest little wiggler!"

John groaned, trying not to blush. "Aw, c'mon, I haven't been a wiggler in sweeps!"

"You're always my wiggler, wiggler!" Bunnysprite nuzzled his head against John's nearest horn. "Even when you grow up and learn to defend yourself!"

John let out a quiet huff. Sometimes Bunnysprite was way too overprotective. Which was pretty understandable considering how bad John was at fighting, but still, it was embarrassing. He definitely needed to use that Windy Thing to his advantage. And the hammer, he really ought to get better with that hammer. Maybe he'd ask Dave to train him in combat.

It didn't hurt to humor the silly lusus in the meantime. John snuggled back, glad he was fairly sure Rose could not see him on her monitor.

* * *

Rose's needles sparked with white energy, building up until she elected to unleash it on an approaching ogre. The spell shot through the ogre's head and the monster collapsed to the ground before popping out of existence, leaving behind its spoils.

She had tried practicing spells when she was younger, but discovering a walkthrough sealed in the far reaches of space was her only success before she played Sgrub, before she alchemized better strife needles, before she woke up on Derse and stared into the abyss. She hadn't even been sure magic was real before, but defeating the empress would be a cinch with the abilities Sgrub granted her.

A dozen imps tried to rush her despite viewing the ease with which she eliminated their stronger ally. It took barely more than a flick of her wrist for them to explode into grist.

She smirked and lowered her weapons. "Was that performance satisfactory?" She turned to face Gl'bgolybsprite. "Am I strong enough yet?"

Gl'bgolybsprite let out a long, tired sigh. Her voice was always slow and breathy, as if speaking was difficult even in sprite form. "You will never be strong enough, Rose."

Rose's lips thinned and she aimed a needle-turned-wand at the pastel ocean. One shot of magic made the chalk-polluted water explode at least fifty feet in the air. "Is _that_ not enough to take down a two thousand-sweeps-old witch?" she said as water rained down on them.

It was infuriating how unimpressed Gl'bgolybsprite could look when her face barely showed expression. "It will take so much more than brute force to achieve your goal."

"Strategy, then? Am I not wise enough?"

"Child," Gl'bgolybsprite wrapped around Rose's shoulders, "stop this obsession. You can make a safe haven now. Don't give your ancestor any more consideration and just finish this game."

"This game is nothing more than training." Rose gritted her teeth, trying not to relax under her lusus's gentle grip. "Alternia may be gone, but the empire still lives. There are thousands of ships and colonies left. I can't abandon that!"

"You will abandon it or you will lose yourself in the effort to claim it."

"What if I speak to the Horrorterrors again next time I visit Derse?"

"Don't." For once, there was no tired pause in Gl'bgolybsprite's voice.

Rose raised an eyebrow. "Aren't they friends of yours?"

"They do not have your best interests in mind."

She held out one of her needles in her palm. It sparked with magic. " _This_ wasn't in my best interest?"

"They call that a gift. I call it a lure."

Rose glared. "You think I'd let them use me?"

"Everyone is trying to use you, Rose." G'lbgolybsprite stroked at Rose's back. "Your safest option is to carry the few subordinates you have left safely through this game and abandon the rest of your would-be empire to your ancestor."

Rose shut her eyes, trying to See if G'lbgolybsprite's words were accurate, but her newfound Seer abilities were still too foggy to view that far into the future. "What happens beyond the game?"

Gl'bgolybsprite spoke with more hesitation between syllables than usual. "I don't know. Even Sprites aren't allowed that knowledge and Sgrub has always been my blind spot."

Rose's grip tightened on her weapons. "All right. I'll focus my energy on soundly defeating this game and keeping my friends safe." She stepped away from her lusus, craning her neck to stare at the next gate that her ever-growing hive was so close to reaching. "I'll retrain my focus on the empire only if I can handle this task."

Gl'bgolybsprite let out a disapproving sigh, but she didn't argue.

* * *

The imps were nothing. Hell, they were some of Dave's easiest strife opponents in sweeps. Aside from some grist shortages near the very start of the game that were fast becoming a nonissue, Sgrub posed no challenge until he alchemized a set of timetables.

"I can seriously fucking time travel with these pieces of shit?" he said, equipping them but not quite bold enough to touch their surface.

Crabsprite smacked Dave's upper arm. "Stop sounding so incredulous. You're a Time player, dipshit. Obviously that means you can time travel. But it's also pretty much the Hard Mode of the game, so don't come whining to me if you fuck up."

"Right, I'll just keep it to myself when I inevitably write myself out of existence. Angst internally like a true action protagonist. Maybe shed a single manly tear when Jade doesn't know who I am."

Crabsprite sighed. "It doesn't work that way. You want me to give you the Sprite Guide Tutorial for controlling your Aspect-specific powers? It's a good one."

"Nah, your guides suck nook." Dave dropped the timetables back into his sylladex. "Think I'll just fuck around with it until it makes sense. This is a video game and all."

Crabsprite let out an angry snort and muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like, "Stupid wriggler."

Dave wandered LOHAC until he found a small horde of imps gathered on a gear a small jump below him. Most of them hadn't even received the prototype from Rose's lusus; he couldn't have planned a better set of lab squeakbeasts to practice on.

He equipped his most recently alchemized half-sword and leapt on them, decapitating the closest imp with ease. He meant to go for his timetables next but froze when he saw what had attracted the horde to gather in the first place. There was a pool of bright red blood on the ground, growing wider by the second, and his gaze followed it to its source: his own corpse lay at their feet.

Sweeps of instinct cramped up; his instincts might as well have clutched at their stomach and fallen to their knees in paralysis. The command _move move movemovemove_ screamed in the far reaches of his mind, but it was drowned out by the far closer cry of _don't fucking throw up_.

He would have been skewered by imps -- fucking low-level _imps_ \-- if Crabsprite hadn't swept down and made a protective arc around Dave. His claws sank into each enemy when they dared strike, until they were left alone with a pile of grist and a mangled Dave corpse.

"I tried to warn you." Crabsprite hovered over the corpse and examined it. "He probably timed his jump wrong, practically landed on someone's blade. That's the kind of bullshit that happens when you time travel without establishing a stable loop."

"Th..." Dave swallowed. "That's gonna happen to me?"

"No." Crabsprite's voice was harsh. "This isn't you. It's a Dave from another timeline who fucked up. You're going to see a lot of them until you get better at your time loops." He almost looked as if he was cringing. "You'd better dispose of this. Throw it in the lava or something. I'll take care of the stains."

His limbs were stiff, but at least Dave could force himself to move again. He just couldn't think about it as he lifted the corpse and dropped it over the edge of the gear, watching it disappear into the lava like garbage.

Though he'd managed to avoid staining his clothes, his hands were covered in bright red. He stared at them in a stupor. It was his blood, but it wasn't. It had to be his blood because nothing else bled red, but he was alive, even when he was also dead.

Once Crabsprite finished blasting away the rest of the evidence with his weird sprite powers, he wrapped his tail around Dave's waist. "Hey, it's okay. No one saw." He leaned in and licked the blood off Dave's hands, nuzzling them afterwards. "No one's gonna cull you while I'm around, not even that fuchsia blood."

Dave clenched his hands. "I fuckin' know that."

"Good." Crabsprite unwrapped from him and the softness in his tone was gone, as it should have been.

Dave took another moment to compose himself before daring to set off for more training, under Crabsprite's guidance this time. He would have preferred a boringass farm simulation game to this... whatever the hell it was. The rules were bullshit. Fuck up and die. Fuck up even worse and broadcast his blood color to the world. It was no big deal. He just... couldn't fuck up again.

He found another corpse within five minutes and had to choke down a startled shriek.

"C'mon, get over it!" Crabsprite said, papping his shoulder. "Overcoming personal obstacles is just part of the magic of Sgrub, Dave!"

Dave shuddered, the paps doing shit for all. "I fucking hate this game."

* * *

Jade never missed. She was an expert markswoman and had practiced for too many sweeps to miss. The problem was that sometimes those imps were too darn fast and they made lucky dodges against bullets that _should_ have hit them. The imps prototyped with John's lusus were the _worst_ , but all of the lususes except for Rose's had passed on some pretty frustrating agility. (Rose's just passed on ridiculous defense capabilities, which was its own spongeache.)

She took aim at a hopbeast-prototyped imp a good forty feet away. As she'd come to expect, it leaped out of the way as soon as it heard her rifle fire. She ducked behind a tree before it could spot her. It was almost infuriating how the weak little imps were harder to kill than the big lumbering ogres, at least from afar. If she felt like getting a good ten feet close, even the fastest imps couldn't dodge a bullet anymore, but that was silly; her weapon was long-range and she ought to use it that way. Otherwise she might as well just learn to use her claws and fangs.

She took a deep breath, trying to concentrate on the Space powers she knew were buried in her. She slid out of hiding and took less than a second to aim and fire her rifle a second time. The imp dodged again and she tried to concentrate on moving the bullet but it had zipped out of her sight too quickly.

Internally kicking herself, she fired again, this time keeping her gaze on the tip of the barrel rather than at her target. It gave her a spongeache to even attempt following such a fast object, but this time she had a good enough sense of its location that she was able to teleport it a few feet to the left without losing any of its momentum. It finally hit the imp, earning her a small pile of grist.

She grinned. "Bec! Bec, it worked! I..." She tried not to drop her smile as she turned. Becsprite hadn't even been watching.

He sniffed at the air, his ears twitching as his eyes kept a constant scan of their surroundings.

Jade lowered her rifle. "Bec?" She wandered closer and slid her fingers through his glowing fur. It wasn't as soft as it used to be before he was prototyped, but it was still comfortingly warm.

His eyes softened as he finally turned his gaze on her. "What's wrong, Jade?"

"That's kind of what I feel I should be asking you." She frowned. "Is something going on?"

Becsprite was silent a long moment, staring hard at Jade. "Yes."

She waited for him to elaborate, but instead he raised his eyes to the cloudy sky as if he expected an enemy to swoop down on them.

"Bec?" she said. "Is it something I'm doing?"

"I don't know." He let out a frustrated hum. "I hope not."

She sighed. "Is this what it sounded like to my friends back when I told them what I saw in Skaia's clouds without actually telling them too much?"

Becsprite cocked his head.

She smiled. "Are you allowed to be less vague, or is this another Sprite guide law?"

"It's just... unprecedented." He hovered low enough she could nuzzle against his warm neck. "Something is wrong with this session. Ordinarily it would not be a Sprite's place to involve themselves with this mechanic, but it's... missing."

"What is?" she whispered, not entirely expecting an answer, or not a straightforward one at least.

"This session has no Exiles."

She blinked. "Exiles?"

"It's... complicated. They should guide the players and keep the timeline clean. But for whatever reason, they're missing."

"Are they necessary to winning Sgrub?"

Becsprite considered the question for a long moment. "Not in theory."

She scritched behind his ears, just where he liked it. "You seem pretty worried, Bec."

He let out a very woofbeast-like whine and closed his eyes in contentment. "It's..." He tilted his head towards her hand. "It's just not normal, for a session that isn't voided to have no Exiles. I don't know what it means."

"Well..." She scratched extra hard as she furrowed her brow. "We'll just figure things out and win anyway!"

He licked her nose. "That's what I planned to ensure."

She buried her face in his neck. "Good woofbeast. Best lusus."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May 2015 edit: Given that canon has recently reenforced that single-prototype sprites are susceptible to... accidents, let's just say that the lusii sprites here received harmless secondary prototypes post-entry and that's why they can safely touch their wards. (I might edit that detail into the actual story later... when I have time to reread these early chapters properly.)
> 
> Jan 2016 edit: Upon further evaluation, nah. In canon, John and Kanaya both touched their single-prototype sprites without mishap, and eleven trolls survived a weeks-long game session without any messy sprite merging, sooo I'm considering accidental prototyping a last-minute asspull that I don't feel obligated to adhere to in this AU.


	7. Act 1.6

CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board SGRUB Exploration Team.   
CTT: I think we're all high enough on the echeladder now that we should discuss long-term strategy.   
CTT: Before we finish building to our seventh gates, it is imperative that Jade and Dave work together on LOFAF to produce a "Genesis Frog" for our endgame.   
CTT: I'm sending you both more information on how to go about the frog cloning/breeding. Check your emails.   
CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
CGG: oh becsprite kind of told me about that!   
CGG: but i should be fine on my own :) no need to bother dave!   
CTT: Not that I don't have faith in your abilities, Jade, but I'm afraid the Space player needs to be accompanied by the local session's Knight to breed a successful frog.   
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
CTG: how the hell did you figure that one out   
CTG: am i playing this game wrong because no ones given me hints that specific   
CTT: Well, I suppose it's fair to explain, since I already told Jade in private.   
CTG: whoa what   
CTG: you girls have been keeping shit from us   
GG: only a little! :x nothing important   
CTT: It wasn't relevant for you to know.   
CTT: I've been relying on a walkthrough. I found it at a young age, when I was trying to call on sources beyond our dimension to aid me in the defeat of my predecessor, and it's very thorough in its details of Sgrub, though it refers to the game as "Sburb."   
CTG: a fucking walkthrough   
CTG: so hey   
CTG: remember when i was making fun of you for sucking bulge at games?   
CTG: yeah vindicated   
CTT: In my defense, considering this game risks our very lives...   
CTG: so does flarping and no one writes guides for that stupid shit   
CTT: AND an entire universe hangs in the balance...   
CTT: I feel more than justified for making sure we don't royally fuck up.   
CTG: anonymously fuck up   
CTG: only royal one here is you heiress   
CTT: Go stash it in your nook, Strider.   
CGG: hey ive been sort of cheating through skaias clouds all this time! :(   
CGG: dont be so harsh on rose when derse players dont even get such a handy little hint guide   
CTG: thats different you dont even get a choice on that   
CURRENT ghostyTrickster [CGT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
CGT: wait, so who wrote the guide?   
CTT: That's difficult to surmise. It appears to have been magically sealed outside the realms of time and space itself. It may be a player from millennia ago, or perhaps someone who has not even hatched yet.   
CGT: whoa.   
CGT: and you're sure it's trustworthy?   
CTT: It has gotten us this far without inaccuracies aside from the occasional foreign turn of phrase.   
CTG: still seems like a dumbass thing to rely on   
CTG: especially for something thatll take as long as it sounds like   
CTG: you said youre good with the frog thing on your own right jade?   
CGG: yep!!! dont worry about me you keep working at that time travel thing   
CTT: You're a goddamn time traveler and you're worried about wasting time.   
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 4 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.   
FTG: yo   
FTG: protip   
FTG: you dont have to bother interacting with the frogs you need paradox slime from   
FTG: just cancel the appearification a split second before its finished   
FTG: the machine glitches out and gets you the goop anyway   
FTG: there now everyones cheating   
CTT: God dammit, Strider.   
FTG: suck it walkthrough cheater   
FTG left memo.   
CGG: so... i guess that means i will see you soon dave?   
CTG: yeah pspace has spoken   
CTG: thanks a lot future me now i cant be lazy without risking an unstable time loop   
CTT: Well at least it's settled and I wasn't even the one who had to needle you into it.   
CGT: is there anything i should be doing?   
CTT: Just follow your intuition.   
CTT: You have a few actions left as the session's leader, but from what I understand they'll fall into place naturally.   
CGT: i'm the leader?   
CGG: duh john!! :D you were the first one in the medium and youre like our emotional pillar!   
CGG: the pep talk master!   
CGG: the one who keeps us going when the going is exhausting!   
CGT: i don't feel very leaderly though! are you sure rose isn't the leader?? she's the one who knows everything. and bosses people around. and has spent her entire life prepping to be, you know, a LEADER.   
CTT: Oh, I certainly hand out the orders. But you are still our spiritual leader, in a way.   
CGT: like a friendleader?   
CTG: that isnt even a word   
CTG: youre inventing a new language again egbert   
CTT: I vote it a new word, if it will make John feel better about his position.   
CGG: ok!   
CTG: i object thats stupid   
CTT: Overruled and outnumbered.   
CGG: yaaaay friendleader!!!   
CGT: oh jeez.   
CGT: well, uh. as your friendleader, my first act of duty is to tell you all to listen to rose 'cos she's way smarter than me!!   
CTT: See? You make a wonderful friendleader already.   
CTG: kissass   
CTT: You heard John, Strider. Off to LOFAF with you.   
CTG: im only doing this shit because future me fucked us over and made sure i had to   
CTG: just so thats clear   
CTG: no offense jade im sure itll be sweet to hang with you   
CGG: yeah i look forward to finally meeting you irl!!   
CTT: Are we settled?   
CGT: wait!   
CGT: are friendleaders allowed off-topic questions?   
CTT: Yes, I imagine so.   
CGT: what's with the timeline system on this memo? it goes all dark at the top!   
CTT: I'm... not entirely sure. Perhaps it marks the end of the game session.   
CGG: i dont think thats it :O   
CTT: Skaia prophesy?   
CGG: random intuition! it just doesnt feel right   
CTT: Well, I'll look into it when I have the chance. The memo system is complicated. Hopefully it's nothing more than a programming error.   
CTT: Any last objections before I shut down this memo?   
CGG: im good!   
CGT: where should i post other off-topic questions?   
CTT: You can contact me directly, John.   
CTT: I'll talk to you all later.   
CTT closed memo.

~~~~~~~~~

"The fuck is this shit?"

Jade spun around. She had heard Dave through voicechat before and in all the slam poetry mp3s he sent her, but it caught her off-guard how different he sounded in person.

Dave poked at the snow with the toe of his shoe, furrowing his brow. "I knew your Land looked white, but this is just fuckin' weird," he said.

"Umm, I think it's frozen precipitation. It's called snow, at any rate! It's pretty fun. You can smoosh it together and make things with it!" She leaned down to sweep up a handful, pressing it into a rough approximation of a ball before tossing it at Dave's hair. "Also, hi Dave!"

Dave didn't even flinch as the snowball smacked him straight in the forehead. He ran two fingers through his bangs. "Thanks, Jade. That is exactly the warm welcome I wanted. How did you guess."

"Oh, like 'the fuck is this shit' is the greeting I wanted from _you_!" she said with a grin.

"You expected something else?" He frowned and picked at the snowflakes still stuck in his hair.

"Yeah, I suppose you're too cool for a hug."

"Afraid so." He raised a fist. "This is the closest to physical affection I can muster."

She bumped her fist against his with enough enthusiasm that her knuckles hurt a little. He didn't even wince while she had to shake her hand off afterwards. "So cool!"

He smirked. "You know it." He adjusted his stance. "So we doing this frog cloning thing?"

She beckoned him over to the machines sitting just outside of her hive. "John already set up the equipment, so it's just down to us now."

He glanced the setup over -- or she thought he did, but it was hard to tell with the shades. "You figure out how it works yet?"

She nodded and walked him through the basic controls, repeating a little of what Rose had told her and a little of what Becsprite had told her. She finished the explanation with a quick demonstration that netted them a frozen frog.

She frowned. "And that's what happens instead of slime if we don't search each frog out later."

"Simple enough," he said, which she wasn't sure she'd agree with, but then again his Aspect was probably a bit more suited for it. "Fucking waste of time though." He leaned against the control panel. "Do that shit again and let's try out the cheat a future me apparently found."

She reset the controls to aim at a new frog. With a glance at him to make sure he was ready, she set it to Appearify. As soon as the machine glowed, Dave smacked the cancellation button. The frog on the monitor flickered for a moment, but didn't disappear, while the Appearifier only delivered slime.

Jade clapped in excitement. "It worked!"

"A'right, there we have it." He rested his lower arms against the controls, hovering a hand over the cancellation button. "You figure out which frogs we need and I'll take over this sacred, laborious duty of pressing a button."

She grinned. "You're probably better at timing anyway!"

"Yeah, and the others wouldn't like the kind of shenanigans that'd result from a Strider choosing how to make this Genesis Frog thing."

She laughed. "Everything in the new universe would be misspelled!"

He smirked. "And in shit resolution."

They traded more silly theories about how they might influence the Genesis Frog as they worked -- "This thing is gonna be made ninety percent of goddamn vegetables thanks to you, Harley, vegetables and woofbeasts, don't even deny" -- and moved onto conversation with just like the kind of topics they'd talk about on Trollian. Jade hadn't been sure what would change when talking to her friends in person, but she was relieved that it stayed pretty much the same.

Even with Dave cheating the system, it took them a couple of hours to get a little over halfway finished. After Jade told him how much work was left, he shook his head and groaned. "Shit, this would take fuckin' weeks without cheating."

"Good thing future you let us know about this, huh?" she said without taking her eyes off her task.

"Oh." He straightened. "Yeah. I should probably get on that." Trollian lit up in his sunglasses and, though the text was too small and backwards for her to make out, Jade recognized the brightly colored font of the memo.

She aimed the Appearifier at the next frog and paused, waiting for him to finish his messages so he could concentrate. She could almost see his eyes, with his computer-infused shades lit up like that, but the color of his irises stayed hidden. Not that she wanted to snoop! It was just hard not to be curious, especially considering the color of his symbol.

"What's the hold up?" he said as the Trollian window disappeared from the lenses of his glasses. "Need a break?"

She glanced at the monitor. Cloning frogs wasn't exactly difficult work, but it was getting tedious. "No more than five minutes."

"A'right." He stepped away from the machine and stretched his shoulders, rubbing his arms a little in the cold of LOFAF.

She walked around him to stay face-to-face. "I kept meaning to ask, but how long have you been a follower of the Signless?"

"The what?"

"You know, um, the Sufferer?" She gestured at the front of his shirt. "Most of the time his symbol is in gray, but you're wearing it in his blood color, so I assumed you knew more about its origin than most people."

"What? No." He suddenly folded his arms over the symbol. "What kind of freak has bright red blood?"

"Ummm, technically no one is supposed to know, but since we're not on Alternia anymore, I don't think I can get culled for telling you about it!" She glanced around anyway, still not able to shake off the worry that one of the Empress's spies was waiting for an excuse to cull her. "The Signless was a mutant hatched with bright red blood. No lusus would take him in, but he was an awesome badass who survived all on his own! At first he just eluded the drones and did what he wanted, but then one of his friends got caught up in the corrupt government system. So he started amassing followers and led the biggest revolution Alternia's ever seen!"

An eyebrow crept up over Dave's shades, but he didn't interrupt.

"He assassinated a lot of politicians, even some subjuggulators!" she continued. Her enthusiasm faded with each sentence. "Then he and two of his closest followers, including his loyal matesprit, went to confront the empress and... never came back." She frowned and fidgeted a little. "They say he was shackled in cuffs shaped like your anonymous sign and tortured to death. That's why he's known better as the Sufferer."

Dave was silent a long moment. "If this shit is so forbidden, how do you know all about it?"

"Well..." She squirmed and had a bad feeling that he didn't believe her. "My ancestor was the Signless's matesprit! I found his journals. The writing cuts off just before they reached the empress, so I had to glean the rest from really tight-lipped message boards. I could tell you more, if you'd like! Or let you borrow the journals even! My ancestor was a pretty funny guy."

He waved her off. "Nah, I'm good. History's not my thing and, frankly, I think the whole 'ancestor' thing is just bullshit for highbloods to feel special."

She frowned. "I'm not a highblood!"

"So you're an exception to the rule."

"It's not bullshit!" she said, trying not to sound as frustrated as she felt. "The Signless's story used to even be so widespread that his followers bred a lusus that would care for any future little redblooded wigglers!"

"That's not really proof, but whatever makes you feel better about your weirdass cult."

"It's real! Where do you think your anonymous symbol came from if the Signless is fake?"

He shrugged. "Don't know, don't give a fuck."

She brooded long enough to decide whether what she was about to do was actually mean, concluded that it wasn't, then teleported a small pile of snow over his head. Her annoyance shattered at the sound of his startled yipe as the cold flakes fell on him.

She burst out laughing. "S-sorry, things were getting so serious, and it just was too tempting to-" She let out her own startled noise as a snowball smacked her in the back of the head.

Another Dave stood about fifteen feet behind her, a second snowball ready in his hand. By the time she turned to check on the first Dave, he'd already disappeared twenty seconds into the past. The other Dave smirked and tossed another snowball at her. She teleported it away when it was about a foot from her face; it hit Dave in the back of the head instead. She couldn't help giggling again, especially when she caught him grinning back. She thought it was pretty neat that he was so cool, but she was glad he wasn't too cool to play in the snow.

They broke into a series of trying to one-up each other by abusing their Aspect. At one point there were at least a dozen Daves pelting her with snowballs and she returned the favor by dropping about twenty feet of snow on him. She couldn't stop grinning and she had a feeling Dave was enjoying himself just as much, even if he claimed it was just good training.

Their break lasted a good six times longer than the intended five minutes.

* * *

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

GT: hey, rose?   
TT: Yes?   
GT: does your guide say anything about meteor labs with test tube wigglers?   
GT: like, eight wigglers?   
TT: That is an oddly specific question, John.   
TT: Would it be off-base of me to guess that you have discovered a lab full of recently hatched trolls?   
GT: no, it would not. in fact that is exactly what has happened.   
TT: Well. I shouldn't like to think how they made it into this game.   
TT: Perhaps you should cull them to spare their inevitable deaths at the hands of a less merciful imp?   
GT: umm, that doesn't seem like a good idea.   
GT: i think i made them.   
GT: and that they are us.   
TT: ...   
GT: well like all the signs are calling this an ectobiology lab and i was just pressing buttons and... stuff happened.   
TT: Yes, pressing buttons at random sounds like a reasonable strategy.   
GT: i felt like i was supposed to! and then these adult trolls came on this screen and every time i pressed the button, this phantom image of them would appear in a test tub and then it turned into slime. one of them was the empress! i didn't recognize the others though.   
GT: and when i had gloop for four of them, they each made another slime, and then the machine did a whirry thing and turned all eight slimes into little wigglers.   
GT: and the extra four just, um. look like us.   
GT: you are a really cute wiggler, by the way. i thought you should know.   
TT: Why, thank you.   
GT: stop chewing on my shoes, though.   
TT: Stop wearing delicious shoes.   
GT: never!   
TT: A-ha. The guide does in fact mention this, but for some reason they referred to the wigglers as "babies." These are our paradox clones.   
GT: oh, okay, they're just clones?   
TT: No. The "paradox" part is the keyword here. You were correct the first time; they ARE us. Apparently they will be shipped off on meteors and land in Alternia at our proper hatching times.   
TT: I can only hypothesize, but given the presence of the empress, I wonder if the other four clones are our ancestors?   
GT: wow, that's kind of intimidating. hi, miss ancestor, i hope i haven't disappointed you too much.   
GT: so is it safe to just, like... leave them here?   
TT: Given our continued existence, I would guess that whatever comes naturally to you will ensure our young selves' survival.   
TT: If I may ask for one more small detail?   
GT: yes, i am an adorable wiggler too, thanks for asking.   
TT: What a relief.   
TT: But I was more curious as to whether you bear witness to a certain Strider's blood color.   
GT: umm   
GT: weeell, yes.   
GT: but...   
TT: You do not feel it is your place to tell me?   
GT: yes, pretty much that.   
TT: Understandable, if disappointing.   
GT: it's not what you expect, i can tell you that much.   
TT: Oh?   
TT: Here I assumed he must be on the lower end of the hemospectrum, but I suppose he could have developed guilt over his privilege as a highblood.   
GT: well...   
GT: all i will tell you is that he does NOT have rainbow tie-dye blood.   
TT: How very astute of you, John. How did you know that was my next guess? I thought I was the Seer.   
GT: i guess heirs are pretty good guessers!   
GT: it's okay that i accidentally created all of us, right?   
GT: because this still strikes me as pretty damn weird.   
TT: It's all right, John. I had never quite followed this part of the guide before you laid the situation out like that, but I'm pretty sure this was part of your duty as our friendleader.   
TT: Jade is employing a similar method of ectobiology in her frog breeding duties.   
GT: oh, okay. i still don't follow, but so long as i didn't fuck anything up, that's good enough for me.   
TT: No, John. Making sure we exist is definitely not fucking up.   
GT: i'm going to try making my way back to lowas now. it was a pretty crazy ride up here!   
TT: Let me know if there are any complications.   
GT: okay, i should be fine, but thanks!   
GT: wiggler rose says hi, btw!   
GT: well, she says "weh weh" but, in my heart, i know that's "hi."   
TT: Hello to her and all her wiggler kin too.   
GT: i totally told them you said that.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] \--


	8. Act 1.7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, I think it's time to officially add Graphic Depictions of Violence to the warnings.

CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board SGRUB Exploration Team.   
CTT: I don't think I can emphasize strongly enough how lucky we are that we've avoided this scenario for long enough that we could complete the large majority of our quests these past few weeks.   
CTT: But Gl'bgolybsprite has warned me that she senses an incoming Vast Glub from the Black Royalty. It matches up with the blackout coming up on the memo's timeline, which bodes even less well.   
CTT: As far as I can see, we have two options:   
CTT: One, we try to strike at the Black Royalty before they can unleash it, when we are probably far underpowered for it and we may just encourage them to glub sooner.   
CTT: Two, my walkthrough describes a process that would allow us to max our levels and break into a new echeladder leveling system... and more or less nullify the effects of the glub on even lower bloodcastes.   
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
CTG: i sense a catch   
CTG: theres no way youd present option one if two didnt have a fucking catch   
CTT: Keen observation skills, Strider.   
CTT: The process is called God Tiering. It would impart on us far greater abilities and limited immortality. So long as we didn't die Heroically (which we can't deny is a possibility) or Justly (which none of you had BETTER die from), we would resurrect from any lethal damage.   
CTG: and?   
CTT: And it requires dying first.   
CURRENT ghostyTrickster [CGT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
CGT: what?????   
CGT: we DIE to become IMMORTAL?   
CTT: Have you seen the rock slab on your planet surrounded by four pillars? It should have a strange symbol on it that represents your aspect.   
CTT: If you die on that "Quest Cocoon," you ascend to godhood.   
CGT: we're... sure that works?   
CGT: i mean that sounds like a pretty damn good power-up, but...   
CTG: but we might just end up committing plain up suicide like goddamn morons if we fuck it up somehow   
CGT: yeah, what he said.   
CTT: I had thought of that. There's a reason I proposed an alternative, as bleak as it is.   
CTT: Should we take a vote?   
CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
CGG: only if my vote can be "whatever you three decide"   
CGG: this decision seems a little heavy to me   
CTT: Your input is still appreciated, Jade.   
CGG: my input is that this sounds scary as heck!   
CGG: but i will do it if everyone else decides it is the best decision!   
CTG: shit i dunno   
CTG: any objections from our future counterparts?   
CGT: ...   
CGT: um... how long do we wait?   
CTG: uh   
CTG: were probably good   
CTG: either future us thinks it goes well enough that we dont need forewarned of anything   
CTG: or we all die   
FUTURE ghostyTrickster [FGT] 20 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.   
FGT: well the quest cocoons exist, i can tell you that much.   
CGG: it works???   
FGT: i dunno, i'm still waiting on rose.   
CTG: goddammit john   
CTG: contact us again when someones actually tried that shit   
FGT: you're the ones asking for a future opinion!   
CTG: unless youre secretly another time player maybe wait longer than half a fucking hour before you update us on the future   
CGT: hey, a lot can happen in twenty minutes!   
CGT: is the future really different, future me?   
FGT: no, it's pretty much the same.   
CGG: >__> ummm i gotta go with dave on this one!! this is pretty silly john!   
CGG: maybe you should get in contact with us after you have confirmed whether or not god tiering turns out all right   
FGT: but it's boooooring up here! D:   
CTG: dude just bug future me   
CTG: ill entertain your bored ass just get out of the fucking memos   
FGT: i thought you were probably busy...   
CTG: ive always got time for my bro   
CGG: heheh time 8)   
FGT: pfff, fine, i'll put up with your lameass puns and troll you.   
FGT left memo.   
CTT: Any comments from a future-future John?   
CGG: that would be kinda nice john!!   
CGT: i'll get on it!   
CGT: probably!   
CGT: any time now, me?   
CTG: wow dude   
CGT: uh... well... none of your future selves are getting in on this either!   
CGT: what about you, jade? have you seen what happens with the cocoons?   
CGG: well... im pretty sure we dont die! cos there are more things that need to happen first!   
CGG: but when it comes strictly to god tiering im not sure what we should expect   
CGT: so it... should be okay to try.   
CGT: i guess i vote we go for it.   
CTT: It would be foolish for us all to try it at once. Is anyone willing to take the first plunge?   
CGG: umm jeez i dont know D:   
CGG: i guess i can do it if no one else is willing to???   
CGG: but i cant say that i really want to....   
CTG: dont force yourself to do shit you dont want to jade we dont want you to die either   
CGT: yeah, it's okay, jade. i'll do it.   
CTG: whoa john hang on   
CTG: even jade is hesitating on this and youre just going to fucking run into it blindly?   
CGT: well, we don't exactly have a lot of choice. either one of us tries it, or we never find out if it works.   
CGT: and as friendleader, it makes most sense for me to play lab squeakbeast!   
CTT: You're sure, John?   
CGG: yeah it is really okay i can do it!!   
CTG: or hell none of us could bother   
CGT: if rose thinks it's our best shot, i'm going to have to agree with a seer.   
CTT: I fear more for your safety if you forego God Tiering than if you try to fight without it.   
CTT: I can't precisely predict the time of the glub, but I don't think we have long.   
CGT: then i'm going to find that quest cocoon.   
CTT: I'll come to LOWAS and accompany you.   
CGG: good luck john!!!! :(   
CTG: yeah man dont actually fucking die   
CGT: i'll be fine!   
CGT: i'll talk to you again after i become immortal!   
CTT: The two of you should probably locate your Quest Cocoons in the meantime, just to be safe. Don't kill yourselves needlessly just yet, but wait on them in case of emergency.   
CTT: I'll contact you once I've confirmed the Cocoon's effects on John.   
CTT closed memo.

~~~~~~~~~

Rose only had to follow her Seer intuition to the top of a large hill on LOWAS in order to find the planet's Quest Cocoon. To her relief, John had beaten her there and sat cross-legged on the stone slab.

He waved as she approached. "Hi Rose! I guess I must be in the right place, if you found it too."

"That or we're equally lost." She smiled as she finished the climb. "I like to imagine we wouldn't both suffer from such an affliction."

He grinned. "Nah, we're both too smart for that, especially you." He scooted further onto the Cocoon, as if making room for her, but she stayed standing. "So what now?"

"If we want to play it safe, you should probably lie down and make sure you're tucked properly on there."

"Okay," he said, frowning a bit. He kept adjusting himself as he lay down, rolling his shoulders and patting the stone in a futile search for a more comfortable position. He finally sighed and went mostly still. "Do I need to do anything special, like use a holy sacrificial sword of righteousness, or can I just throw a hammer in the air and let it smoosh my sponge?"

Rose winced at the imagery that conjured. "The latter would be a rather unpleasant method, but it should be effective if that's your choice."

He stared at the sky. "Well... I can't think of a much better idea. My inventory isn't very lethal."

She wasn't sure she wanted to offer the obvious solution, but it was better than risking that he attempt something dumb. "Would it be too morbid of me to suggest that I do the dirty work?"

"Y'mean kill me?" John said and tilted his head. "Um... You'd probably be better at it than me, so... If you're okay with that, sure."

She nodded and equipped a pair of very long and sharp knitting needles. His eyes widened at the sight and she stepped to the edge of the Quest Cocoon, her gaze aimed into his. "Are you nervous?"

"Well, yeah," John said with a shrug, "but I trust you. Obviously I don't wanna die, but if you say I'll be okay, then I'll just be like, welp!" He threw his hands up. "Go ahead and stab me through the toxin purger, then!"

She smirked and held up her needles menacingly. "Are you quite certain you wouldn't prefer I stab you somewhere that would actually kill you with haste instead of letting you slowly bleed out?"

"Um." He glanced about and looked sheepish. "If you're taking requests..."

She sat next to him. "Yes?"

"I mean," he pressed his fingers together in a fidget, "we don't have to..."

"Spit it out, John."

He hesitated another moment before saying in one breath, "Can you wait for me to fall asleep?"

She blinked. "Of course." She placed the needles beside her and they exchanged smiles. He still looked nervous.

Whether he stayed still or tossed and turned, he didn't seem capable of sleep. It didn't help that he kept trying to chat with her instead of relaxing and keeping his eyes shut for more than ten seconds at a time, but she couldn't really blame him, going by the number of times he complained about how cold and uncomfortable the stone was.

He finally drifted off when she resorted to shooshpapping him. He kept trying to talk even through that, his mumbling growing incoherent with each passing second, until his eyes finally flickered shut and stayed that way.

She only allowed herself to feel conflicted after she was certain he was unconscious. The walkthrough had yet to fail her, but she couldn't See the results of using the Quest Cocoons and that made her hesitant to reach for her weapons. She swallowed and braced herself. If he didn't die by her hand, he would just die by the Glub's. They had nothing to lose.

"Please work," she whispered before stabbing her needles straight through his bloodpusher.

* * *

CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board SGRUB Exploration Team.   
CTT: The Quest Cocoon results are inconclusive.   
CTT: There was something of a light show at first, but it's since been ten minutes with no difference in John's corpse.   
CTT: The walkthrough is infuriatingly vague on this, but if read a certain way, it's possible that John ascended to the battlefield.   
CTT: I pray that is what happened.   
CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
CGG: well i took a nap and checked prospit and johns dream self is gone!   
CGG: so   
CGG: so thats probably a good thing! right?   
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
CTG: that or hes fucking dead and even the dream self went with him   
CGG: dont say that!!! D:   
CGG: hey future john let us know youre out there!!!   
CGG: please dont tell me you dont have time to check the memos!!   
CTG: either hes dead and not checking memos   
CTG: or hes a god and what kind of a fucking god checks these bullshit memos   
FUTURE ghostyTrickster [FGT] 220 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.   
FGT: [][][] g[][][]!   
FGT: []h[][]??!   
CGG: john?????   
FGT: [][]'[] []o[] [][][]n[] []h[][][][][]!!   
CGG: john is that you??   
CGG: what are you even trying to say??? D:   
CTG: seriously dude this is even fucking worse than the last one   
FGT: [][][]U[][][]G[]!!!!   
FGT: [] []u[][][]n[] []r[][][], []k??   
FGT: i [][][][][] [][]k[] c[][][] [][] [][][] f[][][][] [][]s[] [][]w!   
FGT left memo.   
CTG: what the fuck was that   
CTT: It looks as if he was contacting us from beyond the timeline blackout.   
CTT: Strider, have you been that far into the timeline yet?   
CTG: uh considering the vast glub is supposedly coming up?   
CTG: no i have not stuck around long enough for that   
CTT: Hm. I wonder if this is a side effect of the blackout, or something affecting John's account exclusively.   
CTT: I can't even begin to make out those messages.   
CGG: so what do we do? :(   
CGG: that WAS john right?   
CTT: I hope so.   
CTT: Honestly... As much as I recoil to say this, I still foresee that the most fortuitous action is to attempt God Tiering.   
CTT: Even if the Cocoons don't work, I see no way the three of us can hope to face the endgame bosses without John.   
CTG: so either way we die   
CTG: thats what youre saying   
CTT: I won't force anyone to do something they're uncomfortable with. I'm only offering my insight.   
CGG: im   
CGG: im gonna try it!!   
CGG: im sure there are things skaia showed me that havent happened yet   
CGG: so we cant die here it is just not possible!   
CTG: if this isnt whats supposed to happen then skaia will just turn it into a doomed timeline   
CTG: figure im fucked either way   
CTG: might as well be in control of how im fucked   
CTT: Please keep me updated.   
CTT: I'm... I'm going to wait by John a little while longer, in case the process just takes more time than we realized.   
CGG: i understand :(   
CTT: Good luck, both of you.   
CTT closed memo.

~~~~~~~~~

The name "Quest Cocoon" was blatant false advertising. It was closer to a Quest Giant Carved Boulder, or a Quest Uncomfortable As Shit Mound of Smooth Rock, but Dave supposed those names never would have made it out of PR.

To make the situation all the more frustrating, Crabsprite refused to tell him where the damn thing was, then hitched along for the ride anyway. At least the consorts weren't cagey about where to find it, even if they were annoying as hell in every other way.

Dave lay on his back and refused to acknowledge the ache that the "Cocoon" caused in his torso pillar. "You really can't fucking confirm whether I'm about to kill myself or not?"

Crabsprite huffed, hovering a few feet away and keeping an eye out for wandering imps. "I could give you more hints if you were at the top of the echeladder, but until then Sprite guides have to keep quiet about the Quest Cocoons."

"You're my goddamn lusus. You'd really let me die?"

Crabsprite floated over to ruffle Dave's hair with the side of a claw. "I trust you not to be a fucking moron, wiggler."

Dave narrowed his eyes. "Is that a vote of confidence or condescension?"

"Maybe a little of both."

Dave sighed. He was really not going to miss that kind of cutesy vagueness once they finished the game.

It would have been most efficient to just stick a sharp object into his blood pusher and call it a day, but that was too easy. (Definitely not intimidating or anything. Hell no.) Instead he waited for a future self to pop by and shove a sword through his neck. It beat aiming the blade himself anyway, but it was taking long enough.

"Yo, Crabsprite?" Dave cleared his throat when his voice came out too shaky. "Can you dispose of the body? I don't want someone reaching LOHAC and seeing the red stains before God Tier me can get back here to clean it up."

If Crabsprite was capable of it, he probably would have rolled his eyes. "That's what I've been doing for sweeps, isn't it? I'm not going to stop protecting you here, Dave."

"Right," Dave muttered and adjusted himself. Fuck, the wait was taking forever. If the tension didn't drive him insane, the boredom would.

He gave up on being patient and opened Trollian on his shades. His mouth quirked into a smirk. Leave it to Jade to still have a computer at the ready moments before her planned death.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--

TG: hey   
TG: harley   
TG: you dead   
GG: not yet!   
TG: cool   
TG: me neither   
TG: future me is being a tardy asshole   
GG: heheh :)   
TG: whats the holdup on your end   
TG: your lusus not letting you hold a sharp instrument?   
GG: umm no not that....   
GG: im just kind of   
GG: nervous!   
TG: what for   
TG: youre the one who can see the future   
GG: yes but skaia is really picky about what it shows me!   
GG: and i never saw anything to do with the quest cocoons! :(   
GG: im not sure if this is whats supposed to happen or not   
GG: or if it turns out okay   
GG: and it feels really weird because ive known so much about everything before this!   
TG: welcome to what the rest of us assholes have to deal with on a daily basis   
GG: i knoooow but its still weird to me though!!   
GG: sorry ill stop complaining :x   
TG: its ok   
GG: :x   
TG: hey jade?   
GG: mmhm?   
TG: i dont think future me is coming   
GG: ???   
TG: timeloops only work if im willing to do the time travel to begin with   
TG: or if i know itll cause a paradox cos i dont exactly have a choice then you know?   
TG: but theres no evidence that this is going to turn into a paradox   
TG: so i guess i just   
TG: dont ever bother with the assisted suicide thing   
GG: :(   
GG: i cannot blame you! this is kinda scary!!   
TG: i guess so   
TG: its mostly kinda awkward   
GG: but we still havent heard from john! doesnt that worry you?   
TG: nah   
TG: thats just like john to keep us waiting like this   
TG: hes probably goofing with his new god tier powers so he can show us up when we finally catch up to him   
GG: heheh i hope we can fly around like our dream selves!   
TG: who knows   
TG: hey im   
TG: feeling kinda weird   
GG: :O   
TG: is everything okay on your end   
GG: yeah im fine!   
TG: weird i   
TG: ow   
GG: ??   
TG: its nothing lets just   
TG: fucking SHIT   
GG: what?   
TG: this really fucking hurjlkaerrljamrla   
GG: dave?   
TG: fuck i ajkr   
TG: AGJIAAKJLG   
GG: dave?!?   
GG: DAVE???????   
GG: dave whats going on???   
GG: are you okay?   
GG: im feeling kind of weird now too...   
GG: did it start as a tingle for you? maybe im just being paranoid!   
GG: if you dont reply in ten seconds im jumping off this slab and running over to lohac!!   
GG: dave?   
GG: okay ill be there in five!! just hang in there!!   
GG: D:   
GG: bec isnt letting me get off the quest cocoon!!!   
GG: bad woofbeast! worst lusus!   
GG: dave please be okay!!   
GG: im really feeling funny D:   
GG: it kinda hurts   
GG: but ill be okay!! just let me know youre there   
GG: :( :( :(   
GG: dave?   
GG: i think the black royalty let out the vast glub   
GG: we are on the quest cocoons so we should be fine   
GG: but im gonna kick your butt if i dont see you god tiered in a few minutes!!   
GG: sorrY   
GG: i cnt keep typi   
GG: hruts

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

Neon green messages filled his vision, but he was in too much pain to read them, let alone manage a reply. Blood poured from his eyes and mouth until his screams were silenced by choking. Crabsprite held him down, whispering reassurances he couldn't hear and making sure he didn't writhe off the quest slab.

The pain was like nothing he'd ever experienced in his sweeps of near-daily strifes. It cut through every inch of his body, inside and out. The only thoughts that could break through his pain-addled think pan were relief that he hadn't turned Trollian's speech-to-text on and a distant hope that maybe Jade wasn't experiencing the same slow death he was.

* * *

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

TT: John?   
TT: Have you procured time to reply to me yet?   
TT: I understand you may have encountered unexpected difficulties upon ascension to God Tier, but I would appreciate a quick head's up that you have, indeed, finished the transition safely and completely.   
TT: Please reply as soon as you have the chance. Even one word will suffice.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TT: Strider? I'm beginning to question the wisdom of employing the Quest Cocoons before we absolutely have to.   
TT: If you have not carelessly offed yourself already, I would advise you wait.   
TT: I saw a flash coming from Skaia. I'm still uncertain as to its meaning.   
TT: Dave?   
TT: Fuck, you've already done it, haven't you?

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--

TT: Jade, requesting status update.   
TT: If you have not yet used your Quest Recuperacoon, please refrain for the time being.   
TT: If you have used it, please reply ASAP with your story of success.   
TT: I can't get in contact with the other two. It's worrying.   
TT: Jade?   
TT: Jade, ignore my earlier command. Get on that Quest Cocoon immediately, do you hear me?   
TT: The Black Royalty has utilized my lusus's ability. I can feel the Vast Glub has already started.   
TT: It won't affect me further, but you are in grave danger. The Quest Cocoon may be your only hope.   
TT: Jade, for crying out loud, at least confirm you're still alive!


	9. Act 1.8

The pain, and all sensation with it, faded. It was like slipping off to Prospit in her sleep, except it skipped the moment that her dream self opened her eyes. Jade wasn't even fully aware of herself. It was almost serene in its nothingness.

She felt a warmth first, starting from her fingertips and spreading over her body. At first it reminded her of slipping into a cocoon, until she recognized it as her own warmth from being alive. The rest of her senses returned at once and her eyes shot open.

She was floating above the black and white checkered Battlefield. Skaia's clouds passed above her and she smiled up at them in awe; she'd never seen them from below before. It seemed even better, knowing Prospit was somewhere above her.

She flew up a little higher, but there was something _off_ about the sensation and she paused to glance herself over for the first time. Her clothes had changed and there was an extra weight below her shoulder blades. Her eyes went wide. There were a pair of translucent, green wings on her back.

Before she could examine them properly, she heard a familiar voice call, "Harley?"

"Dave!" She spun around -- she already liked the way her wings whipped against the air when she did that.

Dave flew over to her. He didn't have wings, but his outfit had also changed and he pried his hood off.

She met him halfway and caught him in a hug before she could remember he was too cool for those, but he didn't seem annoyed at least. They looked each other over and she could have sworn she saw relief in his features, especially when she caught the outline of his eyes behind his shades.

She burst out laughing. "You kept your sunglasses even after God Tiering!"

He frowned. "Hey, you kept your glasses and no one says shit."

She felt over her face. She was so used to her glasses that it hadn't even occurred to her to check for them, but he was right. "Well, I wouldn't be able to see without them!"

"Right. We'd both be useless without our eyewear."

"You would not." She shoved him playfully and he smirked. "So I guess the Quest Cocoons do work, huh?"

Dave glanced at his sleeves, not looking entirely impressed with the dark red shirt. "Could be the afterlife."

"Nooo, this is the middle of Skaia, silly! You'd know that if you were a Prospit dreamer like me and-" She paused and, by the way he tensed, she suspected a similar thought had occurred to him. "Where's John?"

She flew higher, spinning to get a full view of the Battlefield, and he was quick to join her. He tapped her wrist and took off before she could ask for explanation, but she saw what caught his attention soon enough: there was a blue figure sprawled on the ground a decent distance from them. The closer they got, the more she was certain there was a pool of cerulean blood under it.

Oh no. Oh noooo, that was definitely John and that was definitely blood. His clothes were odd and there were a pair of blue wings on his back, so it seemed safe to assume he had God Tiered, but he wasn't moving. How had he managed to get himself hurt so quickly despite being God Tier?

Just before they reached him, his body glowed in a nebula of flashing colors and floated off the ground. Jade stopped a few feet away, hovering just above the ground as she watched, while Dave landed and raised a hand as if he was tempted to try touching John -- he must have thought better of it, because he lowered his arm.

The light faded and John floated upright, blinking as if he'd awoken too suddenly. Any wounds he suffered were gone, along with the bloodstains. He returned their confused stares for a moment before he broke into a wide grin and flew at them, tackling them both in a hug. Jade squeezed him in return while Dave awkwardly -- wait, no, coolly -- patted his shoulder.

"Oh my gosh, Jooohn, we were so worried!" Jade said.

"What?" John said, almost laughing. "Why?" 

Dave gave him a small shove. "Thought you'd bit the dust, dumbass."

"Oh, yeah, I think the Vast Glub happened! Maaan, that hurt." John rubbed the back of his neck as he released them from the hug and he stayed floating at least a few inches from the ground. "But I guess the immortal thing really is true. You're both God Tier now too, right?" He grinned.

"No, John," Dave said in his best deadpan. "I'm a ghost, here to haunt you as revenge for worrying the shit out of us. Except you like that supernatural crap, so this was a poor fucking plan in retrospect."

Jade shook her head. "Nooo, we were just on the Cocoons when the Vast Glub happened! So we God Tiered kind of involuntarily!"

John undid the buttons on his hood so he could pull it off before he turned to make a scan of their surroundings. "Where's Rose?"

"Um, hopefully she'll be joining us soon enough!" Jade giggled. "I wonder what she'll look like! Probably really regal or something."

"No way, she'll be just as dorky and awesome as us." John looked over their new outfits from horn to toe, his smile a little too amused to mean complimentary things. "So where are your wings, bro?"

Dave cocked his head. "I think the real question here is, why the hell do you two _have_ flittery neon wings?"

"They come from God Tiering!" John fluttered his wings. "Maybe yours are hiding on automatic so you can stay anonymous. They're blood color coded so far anyway!"

"You can hide them?" Jade said, flapping hers as well. It never failed to amaze her how easy they were to move, for a pair of brand new limbs, but she didn't see how they could curl in enough to outright hide.

"Yeah!" John turned his back to them to show off as his wings disappeared in a flash of sparkles, leaving only slits in the back of his shirt. Their presence -- or lack thereof -- didn't change his ability to float.

Jade leaned back to get a look behind Dave and he raised an eyebrow at her. She grinned sheepishly and straightened. "Sorry! I just don't think your shirt even has holes for wings."

Before Dave could reply, John flew over to join Jade in her gawking. He caught Dave's shirt by its sides and pulled so the fabric stretched flat, with no folds left to hide any holes, but there were still no slits for potential wings. "Weeeird. Maybe some blood castes don't get wings?"

"Are we done invading the Strider personal space bubble," Dave said, staring straight ahead, "or do I have to call the bouncer?"

John chuckled and released him. "Sorry. At least it looks like you can still fly! That's really fun if you two haven't tried it yet."

Dave looked like he couldn't decide whether to laugh or facepalm. "God dammit, Egbert, did you seriously spend all this time fucking around with your dumb fairy wings? Would it have killed you to take two seconds to send us a message that you were okay?"

John frowned. "Hey, I don't exactly have a computer up here! Figuring out my new powers seemed kind of like the best strategy!"

Jade gasped. "You don't have a computer? John, you were supposed to keep more than one on you! I _told_ you!"

"Uh." John glanced between the two of them. "Check your sylladex, bros."

Jade reached for her sylladex and came up with nothing. Every captchalogue card in her inventory was missing, leaving her without even a single item, let alone a computer. "Oh."

"Yeah."

"A'right, excuse accepted," Dave shrugged, "even if I'm still not convinced you had your priorities straight."

John waved him off, floating up and backwards by a few feet as his wings reappeared. "Knowing how to fly is useful! I can show you some tricks, if you want, but you gotta be careful or we'll run into one of those carapacian armies and that's-"

John cut himself short as the sky went dark. Jade's gaze shot up. She'd never, _never_ seen anything darken Skaia before, but the blue skies beyond the clouds had turned a dark gray like a sea of shadows. It spread across the skyline, the darkness stretching as far as the eye could see, until it finally hit its limit and faded back to blue in a wave.

"What. The fuck. Was that," Dave said, craning his neck to stare like the rest of them.

Jade was about to reassure them that that was _definitely not normal_ behavior for Skaia, but something caught her eye. "Look!" She pointed at LOWAS. A mass of shadows rose from the planet's surface, growing closer by the second.

"I... think it's coming this way." John frowned and watched it a few more seconds. He rose higher into the air. "I'm going to check it out. You two get back to our planets and grab our gear!"

Dave flew to match his height -- though his flying technique was sloppier than John's. "You're going after that thing _alone_?"

"Well, yeah." John grinned. "I know my God Tier powers better than you two do. Besides, I'm the friendleader, right? So I get to hand out the orders while Rose isn't around and I said get your asses to your planets." His gaze tracked the incoming mass of darkness as it got larger. He flew in the direction it looked like it would land and called over his shoulder, "Also, grab my shit while you're at it!"

Jade floated up to Dave and they exchanged worried glances as they watched John disappear.

"So," Dave said after a moment, a sigh in his voice. "Head to our respective planets, meet up on LOWAS, get back here together, and abuse the shit out of our powers to make it as snappy as possible?"

She grinned. "Sounds good."

They took off, separating as they flew for the gates to LOFAF and LOHAC.

* * *

The other three were gone.

Rose's skin tingled as the Vast Glub died down, leaving her with only a nauseated feeling and the knowledge that, wherever they were, the lowbloods were dead. There were no replies on Trollian, John's corpse was as still as ever, and even the other three Sprites had disappeared as far as she could tell.

She paced around the Quest Cocoon, periodically checking on John or her laptop for updates, always turning away disappointed. The longer she waited, the more her insides twisted. She'd heard whispers from the Horrorterrors ever since she first woke up on Derse, but they were growing so loud that she could almost make out the words.

"Let them go, Rose," Gl'bgolybsprite's tired, worn voice whispered. She had floated to LOWAS not long after John's death, but this was the first time she'd spoken.

Rose shook her head. "No." She had more reasoning than that, but even that word came out too shaky for her liking, so she just swallowed and kept silent.

"You knew it would come to this, someday."

She stiffened. "Bullshit! An empress can extend lives, can't she? They just needed to survive that long!"

"You would torture your friends like the current empress does hers?"

Rose spun on her lusus, fangs bared. "I'm nothing like her!"

Gl'bgolybsprite sighed. "That is what she said, before she became empress, and couldn't help it."

"You think I would be so weak as to succumb to power like she did?" Rose said, a growl rising in her throat.

"It is not about _you_ ," Gl'bgolybsprite said, an angry spark in her voice that Rose had never heard before. "If you became empress, Rose, you would be powerful, and you would lead your race to greatness, but you would have no control. He would warp your mind and you would do his bidding."

Rose swallowed another shout. "He? Who the hell is _he_?"

With another long, drawn out sigh, the fury in Gl'bgolybsprite calmed to her usual tiredness. "An abomination that has always been here. A being that seeks chaos. A master of time."

"Why would I ever _serve_ this thing? I'd never-"

"You will have no _choice_ ," Gl'bgolybsprite interrupted. "Your only escape is to pass your shackles on to your heiress, just as every empress forfeits her life to an heiress as her only means to break free. That is the never-ending cycle for a fuchsia blood."

A shiver ran down Rose's torso pillar and the Horrorterrors hissed in the far reaches of her mind. It had to be a lie; the idea didn't even hold up under much scrutiny. All the same, she found herself hesitant to dig deeper, even as she said, "But the current empress has killed all of her successors."

"She is the exception."

"She won't continue the cycle?"

"She intends to kill you and do her master's bidding for as long as she can."

"Then she must have agency!" Rose said, speaking so quickly she almost tripped over her linguistic muscle. "If she were truly a slave, she wouldn't hold on to her position!"

"Rose..." One of Gl'bgolybsprite's tentacles reached out to stroke Rose's face. "She does this to protect you from her fate."

The Horrorterror's voices roared in her hear ducts and she felt their power surge through her as her mind collapsed into a jumble of confusion, fury, and horror. She stumbled backwards, catching herself on the Quest Cocoon before she could fall. Something sticky slipped through her fingers and she snatched them away too late; her palms were covered in cerulean blood.

The entire troll empire was built on a falsehood she was meant to inherit. All of her hatred for the empress was misdirected. Her position as heiress was bullshit and, even if it wasn't, what would the point be if she couldn't so much as protect the three most important people in her life?

A wave of darkness exploded in every direction.

The other three were gone and she was going to _destroy_ the game that killed them.

Gl'bgolybsprite was speaking to her, but the Horrorterrors drowned out the words. The darkness wrapped around her and she felt its power envelope her as her skin glowed and her hair turned white.

Her feet floated off the ground with the aid of the Horrorterrors' magic. She just had to finish the game before the Reckoning and the meteors would never rain down on Alternia. Break the game, break out and back to her empire, and break whoever the hell had their vice grip on the empress.

She didn't even need to use the Gates anymore. She just flew towards the Battlefield on her own, the shadows flittering about her in tentacle-like shapes. Her Seer vision was clouded in shadow but the whispers told her where to find what she wanted.

She was so close to the battlefield that the carapacian army was in sight when a blue figure streaked in front of her, almost flying right past before it stopped right in her path.

"Rose!" John stared up at her with wide eyes and a relieved smile. "Rose, what's going on? Why is your hair all white? Is this your God Tier?"

She froze. John was still alive? Were the other two? Was this a trick? The whispers reminded her that it didn't matter; she still had a purpose to fulfill. "Stay out of the way, John." She swerved around him and continued her descent towards the Battlefield. "I'm finishing this game."

"Uh, what?" Instead of listening, he kept pace with her -- he kept a little ahead, even, so he could look over his shoulder to meet her face. "I couldn't understand that at all."

"I said _go_!" Her voice echoed and didn't sound like her own. When she concentrated, she didn't even hear familiar words coming out of her mouth. "I'll find you later!"

He still gave her a confused stare, tilting his head. "Maybe we should land somewhere safe and figure out why the hell you're talking all weird."

She growled and charged ahead, but, to her aggravation, he followed even as they came up on the massive battle below. She equipped her best weapons, took aim at the large creature leading the black army, and unleashed one of her strongest spells. It left a small crater, taking out more than a few weaker carapacian, but the Black King had managed to dodge at the last moment. His head -- covered in Gl'bgolyb's tentacles, John's lusus's ears, and Bec's snout -- raised to watch the incoming attack.

"Oh man." John held back, eyes widening. "Look, you really shouldn't take on the Black Royalty without us! Come on, let's abscond and get back to the other two!" He caught up close enough he could reach a hand to her, but she shrugged him off.

She shot another bolt of magic at the Black King and smirked when it landed, taking off a tentacle.

"Rose, seriously, I think this is dangerous!" John shouted, looking anxious as he shot a blast of wind at a group of approaching carapacians. "I'm not even armed right now!"

She swooped down, both her needles alit in the most magic she'd ever held at once. The Black King swung a claw at her but she blocked it with a quick barrier. She dodged to the side, shooting off an ear as she went, before charging in for the kill. Tentacle-like shadows sprouted from the ground and wrapped around the King's limbs until he was nearly immobile, giving her the opportunity she needed to unleash her powered up spell five feet from his head.

The light from the spell was so great that it blocked out her vision. She heard the now-headless giant collapse to the ground in a heap before she could see her victory. She barely had time to smile; her body jolted as a searing pain shot through her torso. Warm, sharp canines pierced through her chest and her vision turned into another white blur.

She hadn't seen the Black Queen approach, but she was a fool to assume she would still be on Derse and far from the King. Bec's jaws ripped through her and, not for the first time, she regretted prototyping their lusii, for all the good it did. She didn't even remember opening her mouth to scream, but there it was.

" _Rose_!"

The air blasted around her in a tornado, knocking the Queen back long enough for John to swoop in and grab Rose around the middle. Even that much movement hurt, but her voice was too far gone to make another pained sound.

"It's okay now. I'm getting us outta here," John whispered, holding her close as they soared above the battle and shot off for the Gates. He kept murmuring worried reassurances to her, his eyes widening whenever he glanced at the growing pink bloodstains on both of their clothes.

She groaned and her eyes fluttered shut. She was in too much pain to know if she'd blacked out or if he was moving faster than she'd given him credit for, but it felt as if no time had passed as he laid her against a hard, stone surface.

She cracked her eyes open and the dazzling light of LOLAR greeted her. There were four stone pillars around her and she felt the shallow engraving of the Light aspect under her back.

John sat on the edge of the Quest Cocoon, gripping her hand tightly. "It's okay, Rose." He smiled at her and gave her hand an extra squeeze. "I've got you. You're gonna wake up in Skaia and it won't hurt anymore. Really!" He caught his shirt with his free hand and pulled it up high enough to show off where she'd stabbed him. "See? Not even a scar!"

"J-John..." She couldn't get enough air and she still had an echo to her voice, but at least that one word came out right. Her chest hurt more than anything she'd ever experienced. She tugged on his hand.

His smile faded and he scooted closer, finally leaning over until his shoulder rested next to hers. "It's okay." He wrapped his free arm around her front. "I've got you."

She let out a pained groan, her voice muffled by the blood welling up in her throat.

"Shoooosh," John whispered. He papped the side of her head and it felt so relaxing that the fear clawing at her mind calmed to light scratches.

He kept shooshing her until her eyelids fell shut and the pain ended.

The Horrorterrors didn't go quiet until she opened her eyes again. She was floating over the Battlefield again, but thankfully nowhere near the battle she'd just escaped, and her clothes had changed to a bright orange ensemble. The shadows of the Horrorterrors were gone.

A distant voice shouted, "Rooooose!" With a quick burst of light, Jade appeared in front of her and tackled her in a tight hug.

"Jade?" Rose blinked in surprise, trying to take in too many new visuals at once -- Skaia's clouds, Jade's wings, Dave floating over to join them, both their strange outfits, both of them _safe and alive_ \-- as Jade nearly squeezed the freshly revived life out of her.

Jade grinned widely. "Rose, I can teleport myself now! Isn't that cool?"

Rose smiled. "And fly, I see."

"Yeah, we all can!" Jade released her and floated around, clapping her hands. "Look at your pretty wings!"

Rose glanced at the translucent pink wings on her back and fluttered them to check how much control she had over them. They moved with as much ease as her arms.

"Welcome to the once dead club, Lalonde," Dave's indifferent voice said but she detected a hint of relief in his expression, what little of it could be seen around his atrocious eyewear.

"Thank you, Strider," she said and didn't mean it sarcastically in the slightest.

A blue blur slammed into all three of them, gathering them up in a tight hug.

"John!" Rose gasped, unable to keep down a smile as she hugged them all back.

Jade let out a startled yipe before laughing and returning the embrace. Even Dave deigned to join them in wrapping their arms around each other. It was the first time all four of them shared a physical space and Rose could have soaked in it for a good twenty minutes if there weren't more pressing matters to attend to.

As John released them, he turned to Rose and held up two fingers towards her. She stared a moment. It hadn't occurred to her to consider him a moirail, yet there wasn't even the slightest uncertainty that it was true. She pressed her fingers against John's, finishing the diamond shape. Jade clapped for them and John grinned, catching Rose's hand in his.

The air lit up in an orange blaze and they all raised their gazes. A swarm of meteors rained down on Skaia, most shooting safely into a portal and disappearing from the game but a few smaller ones managed to leave craters around them. The Battlefield trembled.

"The Reckoning's started..." Jade said quietly, her eyes wide.

Dave rolled his shoulders. "Guess it's time to kick it up and head to the final boss fight."

Rose frowned. "It won't be easy. We should concentrate on strategy and re-evaluating our arsenal."

"Hey, if you could take down the Black King by _yourself_ , defeating the Black Queen will be," John paused for effect with his worst grin, "a breeze."

Jade burst into laughter and Dave facepalmed.

"I wouldn't call possession by the Horrorterrors 'by myself,' but..." Rose squeezed John's hand. "We'll manage."

John nodded. There was so much confidence in that single action that Rose couldn't help sharing in his confidence. "We'll win."


	10. Act 1.9

John was really glad that being a friendleader did not involve coming up with battle strategies, because in the grand scheme of things Rose was a lot better at that than he was anyway.

They'd already recovered most of their gear, and Jade could teleport to alchemize anything extra they might need within seconds, so the bulk of preparations focused on ways to balance their strengths and weaknesses. All four Sprites had found their way to the Battlefield and stayed by their sides, but they insisted they couldn't provide further advice for the Final Battle since it was a fight for the players alone.

Rose kept a steady watch on the sky above them, her frown deepening the longer they waited. When a meteor crashed near them, she called the meeting adjourned.

"Make sure you have the correct weapon equipped and a hands-off computer at easy access in case we're separated." She stretched her wings. "Once we start this, there may be no chances to regroup again."

Dave waved her off. "Right. Doom, gloom, 'n death. Got it, Lalonde."

"Guys?" Bunnysprite interrupted them before they could get more than three feet off the ground. "I know you're in a hurry, but there's still a few hours before the Reckoning finishes and... Can we talk to our wigglers before you go?"

They all glanced at Rose. Her mouth twisted in hesitation, but after a moment's consideration she nodded.

All four Sprites separated as they beckoned for their wards to follow them to relative seclusion. John was so busy glancing curiously at the others that he almost glided right into Bunnysprite.

John pulled up and tilted his head. "What's up, Bunnysprite? You look kinda serious."

Bunnysprite couldn't really smile or make expressive faces like trolls, or otherwise John would have sworn he was frowning. "Well, this might be the last time I see you, wiggler."

"Pfff, no way!" John grinned. "We're not going to lose."

"That's what I mean. Even if you win, Sprites aren't meant to last beyond the game."

John's face fell.

Bunnysprite let out a sad sigh and wrapped his tail around John. "You'll be fine on your own now, John." He licked one of John's horns and nuzzled against him. "I'm so proud of you."

John hugged back and for once didn't have even the smallest pang of embarrassment for holding his guardian. "Thanks," he whispered.

"Go make an amazing new universe, wiggler," Bunnysprite said as he released John.

John nodded and backed away. He glanced at the other three, wondering if their lususes were giving them the same news. Dave and Rose looked somber, but Jade was smiling, normal as ever, even as she gave Becsprite a tight hug. At least they finished their conversations within ten seconds of each other; he wasn't sure he could have handled waiting with Bunnysprite in an awkward silence.

Rose waited only long enough to See their destination before shooting into the air, flicking her head as a beckon for the other three to follow her. "Keep spread out. We don't want to risk making an easy target for projectiles."

John kept glancing back at the Sprites as they flew towards the carapacian armies. He half-hoped they'd just disperse, instead of watching after their wards and reminding him how much he'd miss Bunnysprite, but they stayed where they left them for as long as they were in sight.

"John?" Rose called. She frowned and flew closer to him. "Are you all right?"

He forced his gaze forward. "Yeah! I, uh, was just..." He was okay; he just needed a distraction. "I should contact one of the memos about God Tiering!"

She looked like she was about to say something, but she hesitated and just nodded instead.

He decaptchalogued one of his glasses-based computers and scrolled through the short list of memos. Only one was still open and he clicked it. His spot on the timeline was obscured by the blackout; in retrospect, it looked suspiciously like the shadows that had surrounded Rose when she went grimdark. They'd thought the blackout was caused by the Glub, but it seemed more likely that the Horrorterrors had left a bigger impact than they realized.

CURRENT ghostyTrickster [CGT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGT: hey guys!

Other than a couple random letters, his message sent as blank boxes.

CGT: what??!  
PGG: john?????  
CGT: it's not going through!!  
PGG: john is that you??  
PGG: what are you even trying to say??? D:  
PTG: seriously dude this is even fucking worse than the last one  
CGT: AAAUUUUGH!!!!  
CGT: i fucking tried, ok??  
CGT: i gotta take care of the final boss now!  
CGT left memo.

Wow, that was pointless. Apparently Rose wasn't the only one whose communication was affected when she went grimdark, but at least God Tiering had reset that for her. He didn't think he could God Tier a memo. No wonder they hadn't heard much from their future-future selves.

The carapacian army came into view and Rose halted. John furrowed his brow in confusion until he saw the looming figure that caught her attention: the Black Queen towered above the armies, as tall as the Black King had been, and her prototypes were sharper, more excessive. He could have _sworn_ she didn't have that many tentacles before, or that the canine snout wasn't that well defined.

"Wasn't she a little, uhh, _smaller_ the last time we saw her?" he said.

Rose equipped her needles. "She took the King's Scepter!"

Dave rolled his shoulders before reaching for his strife specibus. "Wouldn't be an endgame battle without an unexpected boss transformation."

"Everyone ready?" Jade said, still smiling as if completely unperturbed by the giant ahead of them. Her hands glowed, the light spreading from her to surround them all.

John exchanged looks with the other two. They both nodded, looking solemn. His best hammer slipped out of his specibus and landed safely in his grip. He grinned. "Let's make this happen."

Jade's light overtook them and they teleported. The sensation was more disorienting than John had prepared for and he spent the first few seconds in a stupor, barely registering that they were past the armies, on the fringe of the main battle, and standing right before the Black Queen. She, at least, wasted no time in starting the fight and it was a good thing she wasn't the only one quick on the uptake.

Dave charged, flashstepping around the tentacles that slammed into the ground on the spots he'd stood half a second before, and Rose threw up a barrier around them. Jade raised her rifle and shot at the tentacles, leaving a trail of bright red marks that were no more damaging on a creature so large than popped blisters.

"John, attack the side opposite Strider," Rose said, "but keep out of her reach as much as possible."

John twitched and blinked. "Right!" He shot into the air, holding his hammer over his shoulder in preparation for an attack.

As soon as he saw an opening, he flew past the flailing appendages to slam his hammer against the Queen's snout. For as satisfying a thump as it made, the strike barely even stunned her. He had to escape high into the air to avoid the fangs snapping his direction. He kept the wind at the ready, waiting for another opportunity to dive in as soon as she stopped watching him like a feathered talonbeast.

Dave was far better at counterstrikes. He didn't even retreat like John had; he just changed his position fast enough she could never keep up as he cut into her arms and torso with his broken sword.

Rose broke down her barrier once she didn't need to protect John and concentrated on offensive spells, hitting the Queen with magic that struck like lightning. Sometimes they would leave bleeding wounds behind, but mostly they left dents at best. She dared to move within the Queen's reach, but wasn't as bold as Dave, probably due to the fact she hadn't mastered the art of moving faster than a gander bulb could follow.

Jade stayed in the back, just firing her rifle constantly and reloading so fast it almost looked as if her bullets never ran out. She sometimes teleported to get at a better angle for distracting the Queen away from Rose or John but she was otherwise the most static of the four. Whenever the Black Queen got too near her, she teleported further back and continued barraging the Queen with ranged attacks.

John made a point of slamming a gust of wind against the Queen whenever she looked too close to hitting Rose or Dave and sometimes it felt like the most useful thing he could manage. He couldn't stay in range long, he just wasn't fast enough to keep up with the endless tentacles, and his hammer never came away with blood no matter how hard he struck. When he wasn't quick enough to dodge, he deflected the Queen's claws with heavily concentrated bursts of wind.

For as many hits as they got in, the Queen didn't seem to be losing energy. John thought he saw her wince a few times, especially when Rose pulled off an especially impressive bolt of magic, but otherwise their attacks were about as effective as paper cuts: maybe they stung and maybe they bled, but they weren't going to bring her down.

John's grip increased. They'd just have to work harder to find her weakness then. Rose called out orders to all of them, usually warning them to watch their backs but sometimes suggesting a new area to target for as little good as it seemed to do.

Even if progress seemed nonexistent, at least no one was getting hurt. Jade was untouchable, Rose had barriers whenever she couldn't dodge, and Dave was so fast that- John stiffened. Dave had cringed. John didn't see him get hurt, but that was definitely a cringe of pain and Dave was absolutely slowing down.

John dove towards Dave and slammed his hammer against the nearest tentacle. "Hey, what's wrong, man?"

"I just... Fuck, it hurts like a..." He stiffened. "Guys, back the fuck off! She's letting out another Glub!"

Rose shot a giant ball of light at the Black Queen. It didn't so much as leave a dent, but it shoved her back enough distance even her tentacles couldn't reach them. "I'll hold her off! Get the hell out of here and don't you dare snag a Heroic Death!"

Just as they'd discussed in their pre-battle strategies, Jade disappeared with a quick flash of light and John snatched Dave's wrist, yanking him away as fast as they could fly. The hold was more for John's peace of mind than anything; Dave was probably faster and would zip ahead of him any minute.

Instead Dave yanked his arm free and stopped even trying to run. He held his hand over his face, as if trying to hide it. His body shook and what little John could see of his expression looked pained.

"Dave?" John said. He felt a tingling sensation traveling up his skin. It wouldn't be long until he was writhing in pain himself. He reached for Dave. "C'mon, let me-"

Dave dodged him. "Go on your own."

John scowled. Oh hell no, that was not what a friend or a leader would do, let alone a friendleader. "You're not far enough away yet, dumbass! If the Black Queen wanted-"

"I'm bleeding, you bulgesucker!" Dave turned away all the more.

John's mouth fell open. "Dude." He caught Dave's shoulder. "I already know your blood's weird."

Dave flinched back. "Wh- You c-can't know, I made sure-"

"I was your ectobiologist, man," John said, rolling his eyes. "I saw little red Davegrub ages ago."

Dave slowly lowered his hand, still inching away from John. His palm was stained red and a line of blood trickled out of his mouth. Even knowing it was there, it was startling to see a troll bleed in the same shade as the carapacians.

John held out his hand. "Let's go, asshole."

Dave hesitated another moment but finally grabbed hold when John shook his arm in impatience. John gripped him tightly and pulled him along.

The further they flew, the more Dave had to lean on him. Dave cringed and grit his teeth, letting an involuntary groan escape as the pain worsened, and even John felt his insides starting to burn. John finally stopped when the Black Queen was a speck in the distance -- in part because it seemed safe that far away, but also because he _really fucking hurt_ and didn't want to move any more than necessary.

Dave collapsed to the ground, trembling and letting out _awful_ noises that John felt guilty for being present to hear. Blood seeped out of his face through his eyes, nostrils, mouth, even ears. John settled next to him and gave his shoulder an encouraging squeeze.

"It- it'll be over soon, okay?" he said, as much for his own benefit as Dave's. "W-we just gotta get through this."

Dave finally went still and the half-suppressed shrieks fell silent. John's insides felt like ice, even knowing his friend's death was temporary. For a moment he thought he was crying, but his fingers came away covered in blood instead of tears when he tried to wipe at his eyes.

Unlike Dave, he didn't hesitate to shriek when the pain got so bad he couldn't even control his body anymore. At least he'd lasted long enough to be a mostly calm comfort to Dave as he died; he wished they'd decided that Jade would just teleport everyone away during the strategy meetings -- they hadn't realized the Glub took Dave out of commission so fast that he wouldn't be able to retreat on his own. It was awful to think she was slowly dying of unbearable pain without even a friend to cling to. Maybe (hopefully) she'd teleported to her lusus.

He really hoped Dave resurrected soon; his corpse was so creepy to die next to. What if it didn't even count as a neutral death? Running away from battle and letting Rose cover their asses couldn't be Heroic, right? (Oh, fuck, Rose had _better_ stay safe, because that definitely sounded like candidacy for a Heroic Death.)

Shit, shit, shit, it _hurt_.

For the third time, John sank into the abyss of death. He thought he heard the chiming of an old, loud clock, but otherwise he was aware of nothing. He wasn't sure he'd ever get used to the sensation of waking up from _nothing_.

Dave knelt over John and tried to smirk when John's eyes fluttered open, but it looked _awfully_ relieved for a coolkid. "Welcome back, Egbert."

John sat up, rubbing his forehead to fight off dizziness. All of their bloodstains had disappeared. "Did you have to wait long?"

"A little, yeah." Dave stood, offering John a hand that he was all too happy to accept.

"I guess that makes sense." John straightened and his feet left the ground. "You were fast as _shit_ about dying first; only fair you revive first."

Dave shrugged. "Guess that's what happens when your blood's the moldy scrapings at the bottom of the barrel known as the hemospectrum."

John frowned. "I guess you are below burgundy, but 'moldy' is kind of a dumb way to put it, isn't it? Also ew."

Dave took to the air. "Whatever. Point stands." He waited for John to catch up before he shot off, back towards the battle. "John?"

"Yeah?"

Dave's lips went thin. "Did you tell anyone?"

"No way, man." John grinned. "It's your business that your blood's kinda weird."

Dave nodded, returning John's smile with a small smirk.

By the time they were in range of the Black Queen, Jade had beat them there and teamed up with Rose, teleporting them both around the Queen at dizzying speeds and combining her bullets with Rose's spells.

They rejoined the fray and the battle returned to the same rhythm as before: as far as John was concerned, they were doing a great job in every aspect save for visible results. No matter how many good strikes they got in, or how unharmed they remained, the Queen didn't show even the smallest signs of distress.

"Jeez, Rose, what kinda spells did you _use_ to penetrate the King's armor?" John said as he passed her.

"Spells no troll was meant to wield." She unleashed another bolt of magic -- that slim white light really was nothing compared to the blast of darkness she'd wielded when she was Grimdark. "But this is certainly not going well. Cover me!"

John flew beside her and sent gusts at any incoming threats, only having to resort to using his hammer once, as Rose pressed her fingers against the bridge of her nose and concentrated.

Her head snapped up. "Jade!" she shouted.

Jade teleported closer between shots, her gaze only faltering from its target to glance in Rose's direction.

"Can you grow one of your bullets to the size of a troll while maintaining its original velocity?"

"I wish I could," Jade said, reloading her weapon, "but bullets are kind of really fast and I can only make it so big before it hits its target." The bullet out of her next shot grew a good five times its original size before hitting the Queen.

Rose chewed her lower lip for a moment. "Strider, hang back! John, whip up a tornado and make sure the Queen keeps her distance."

They both obeyed without question, Dave flashstepping over just as John's twister shoved the Queen back and blocked her path.

"Sup, Lalonde?" Dave said, never fully dropping out of a defensive pose.

"We need you to freeze time on one of Jade's bullets after she fires it. Is that possible?"

He cocked his head. "Uh. Theoretically. But that's weird as hell and I can't say I've tried it."

"Then give it your best shot." Rose took to the air with John. "John and I will distract the Queen for now and lure her into Jade's aim when you're ready."

They flew off together, separating as they neared the Queen to flank her and keep her attention divided so there was no chance she could find an opportunity to strike Jade or Dave.

John glanced over his shoulder. A red glow surrounded Dave's hands and encompassed a freshly fired bullet from Jade's rifle, holding it in place. The frozen bullet expanded to cannonball size in seconds and kept going, but John had to turn his attention back on the Queen.

Playing a distraction was a lot easier than attacking outright. It was less disheartening when his attacks did no damage too, since all he was trying to do was keep her away from the other two.

"Ready!" Jade yelled. The bullet was as tall as any of them and it looked as if it was almost too large for Dave to keep under a time freeze.

"Wait for my mark!" Rose shouted. With only a beckon of her head, John knew to follow her lead. They swerved in front of the Queen, luring her to face straight towards Jade's rifle. Rose caught John's arm and they plummeted, falling out of the aim of both the Queen and Jade. "Now!" Rose caught them before they could hit the ground.

The bullet rocketed overhead and struck just below the Black Queen's sternum, leaving a gaping hole through her torso. For the first time in the battle, she let out a deep, pained sound and stumbled.

Rose practically threw John upwards. "John, _go_!"

Dave and Rose cleared a path through the tentacles -- Rose shooting off a barrage of spells and Dave flashstepping to block any she missed before they could reach for John -- as John shot towards the gaping hole. The worst part was convincing himself to actually take the plunge into the bright red cavern of flesh, but he didn't have time to hesitate. He made a face all the same.

The air was stuffy and it felt like he imagined it must be like to be swallowed whole. Tentacles pried their way after them and, while the Queen would probably do plenty of damage to her insides all by herself that way, he didn't want to get caught in the middle. He raised his hammer straight up, sent the wind in every direction in the strongest gusts he could manage, and flew straight up, through the Queen's bloodpusher and all the way through her think pan until he hit fresh air again.

The ground shook below him as the Queen collapsed. The Scepter rolled out of her hand and she returned to the size of a normal carapacian, almost submerged in a pool of her own blood.

John's grip on his weapon remained a vice and he kept a breeze close in case of a surprise attack. He only snapped out of his tenseness when Rose caught his arm and squeezed it, smiling softly. Jade teleported next to them, clapping in excitement, and Dave offered him a fistbump.

The meteors in the sky calmed and the Black Army dropped their weapons. The Battlefield was a wreck, but the Reckoning was over.

John laughed and gave each of his friends a squeeze. Save for the final task, Sgrub was as good as over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad things happen next chapter.


	11. Act 1.10

Nothing John had ever experienced compared to witnessing the Vast Croak. He watched with wide eyes as the frog Jade had bred grew to almost unfathomable size, glimmering with the lights of billions of stars and planets. The sound was almost too loud to bear, but he couldn't bring himself to cover his ears either; he had a feeling it wouldn't make a difference anyway, as the Croak reverberated down to his bones.

They stood together in silence. They'd changed back to their normal outfits, putting away their bloodstained God Tier clothes and their wings for the time being. The Croak was such a reassuring sound that no one even bothered keeping their weapons at the ready.

As the Croak quieted, a large door in the shape of the Sgrub logo with a glowing doorknob spawned in front of them. The way it juxtaposed with the Genesis Frog left little question that the two were related.

John glanced at his friends, but they all stood back with tired grins on their faces -- even Dave's coolkid smirk looked genuine. Rose nodded to him. John stepped forward and extended a shaking hand towards the door. Excitement welled up in his stomach and his imagination flooded with images of what the new universe might look like.

A flash of light behind him made him hesitate, fingers inches from the door, but the shout that accompanied it froze him in place.

"John, get back!"

John almost didn't recognize the voice. He'd never heard Dave sound so emotional, but there was both volume and _panic_ behind his tone. He looked over his shoulder.

A second Dave had appeared, his timetables still equipped. He wore his God Tier outfit, but it was stained in splatters of lime and fuchsia blood. He breathed heavily and his entire torso shook.

John turned to face him, eyes wide. "Dave?"

"I said move!"

John dropped his arm to his side but only took one step. "What happened?"

Dave clenched his teeth. " _Egbert_ , I swear to-"

His words were drowned out by a screech. It sounded as if a hundred songs were trying to play at once, but they were stuck repeating the first two notes in rapid succession. All five trolls flinched and only the bloodstained Dave managed to keep from covering his ears as the broken sound grew louder.

John dared to glance at the door. It flickered and warped; squares of it zapped away, hung in midair, then zapped back into place, repeating the pattern with dozens of squares. Sections of it flashed the wrong color, changing back to normal for a few seconds before shifting into a new hue. Small blocks of color misted away from the door, flickering into larger sizes for a split second. The entire door shivered with static.

Dave shouted something again, but John's ears were still plugged -- even with his hands as buffer, the screeching noise was unbearably loud. Staticy pieces of the door surged towards John and he was too startled to react, let alone dodge.

The other Dave charged forward, caught John by the back of his shirt, and threw him backwards. The door kept its aim and the bloodstained Dave had replaced John as the nearest target; the static swarmed him. The door shifted to normal, but half of it was broken off, the knob included.

The screeching silenced as Dave let out the most disturbing sound John had ever heard: it was a scream, but it was distorted, like a troll voice combined with a dial-up tone, filtered through an old, broken radio speaker.

Whatever had been happening to the door passed on to his body. Cubed pieces of his anatomy tore off without a drop of blood and the air grew thick with small flickers of static the same color as his clothes and skin. His leg twisted all wrong, like it was made of clay, but he didn't fall.

Dave's screams faltered and he managed to choke out words, but they were even more distorted than his cries of agony. "J(A)d3!;!!" He flinched and his torso split in half for two seconds before combining again. "t__elep0RrRT ththth_thEm a*w@y!"

Jade raised her arms and all of them glowed in a faint light; all except for the bloodstained Dave. "I can't get a lock on you!"

"N0W!" The static spread around Dave, inching closer to the other four.

Jade cringed but finished the teleportation process all the same. In a flash of light, Skaia and the glitched up Dave were gone. They stood in a large metal room, with computer stations lining the walls and a transportalizer pad in the middle of the floor. It looked like one of the labs from out in the Veil -- maybe even the same ectobiology lab John had used.

John stumbled, disoriented from the teleportation, and yelled, "What the _fuck was that_?"

"Seriously, is this some kind of fucked up secret boss?" For as toneless as Dave's voice was, he looked tense.

Rose gripped her opposite arm as all eyes turned on her. "My walkthrough never reaches the endgame," she said, her expression grim, "but I'm beyond certain that this is not a normal mechanic of Sgrub."

"What now?" Jade said.

Rose was silent a long time and kept her brow furrowed. "We regroup and attempt to assess the situation." She reached for the nearest computer station and booted the machine up.

"Genius, Lalonde. Someone pass her a trophy for most astute observation none of the rest of us could ever come up with."

"There aren't exactly many options to choose from right now, Strider!" Rose snapped. Her shoulders slumped and her tone calmed as she stared at the loading screen. "All I know is that this is an abnormal scenario and I'm... I'm not seeing any possible positive outcomes at this moment. So. For now. We wait for something to change."

John swallowed and even Jade's head dipped. The game had been discouraging more than a number of times, but it gave John chills to hear their Seer sound so hopeless.

"Sorry," Dave mumbled.

Rose just nodded, opening a browser and searching for Sgrub information they knew didn't exist on any Alternian Internet.

They waited in silence, leaning against the metal desks around the room or booting up other computers for lack of anything else productive to do.

"Guys?" Jade straightened, her eyes wide. "Bec's... Bec's pendant just broke." She held out the small white disc with the Sgrub portal etched into it, the same pendant all of their Sprites had given them. It had shattered into five pieces.

Almost on instinct, John reached for his own pendant. He felt it safe and whole under his shirt, but Rose swore as she showed off her own broken pendant. Dave just shook his head as he took his hand away from his chest.

Rose typed furiously at her computer and an overhead screen lit up, showing the view outside of the meteor. With a few more mouse clicks, the screen zoomed in on Skaia: the Battlefield was sparking with static. When Rose abused the zoom capacity to its limit, it finally showed a red blur making its way across the checkerboard. The carapacian armies were slaughtered, the ground around them covered in blood, and the only Sprite in view was Bunnysprite.

The static-covered blur tore after Bunnysprite. For as quick as Bunnysprite could be, he had no chance of escaping a flashstepping Knight of Time and Future Dave's sword tore through him. The Sprite didn't even leave behind a body as it dissolved the same as defeated imps. John's pendant shattered.

" _No_!" He wasn't even aware he'd shouted until it was out of his throat.

Rose unzoomed the view again, leaving the carnage out of sight too late and replacing the image with an overview of the session, showing every planet except Derse. She shoved away her keyboard and came over to hold John close, shooshing him. He clung to her despite himself.

"Wh-why is he killing them?" For once, even Jade couldn't keep up a cheerful demeanor. "Dave-"

Dave held his hands up. "Hey, hell if I know what the fuck's going on any more than you guys."

"Maybe it's strategic," Rose said, papping the back of John's head. "Or maybe it's senseless. The future Dave seemed aware that the static was dangerous, so I don't harbor optimistic leanings."

John buried his face in Rose's shoulder, then almost jumped out of his skin as his glasses lit up with a new chat window. Rose and Jade both reacted to a new message on their headsets as well. Who the hell was left to contact him when his three friends were already- Oh god.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

TG: jjj0/hN?  
TG: w#h3r/E i$ evEerrry0n+e?  
TG: cCcc)m0n egg-g-gggG##berT :)  
TG: a]rRn*T w3 b!e)esT b-r0$ jjj0hnNnnn_n0 D0NT 0h g*0-d 0hg0d  
TG: j^0hN iMm s$0 s*0rrrRRy 1m s0rrY i  
TG: #-[*^)+_##%  
TG: //////////////  
TG:   
TG: d0N*t h1/d(e br0

" _Don't_ answer," Rose said sharply.

"What?" Dave looked at each of them, frowning. "Who the hell's messaging you?"

"Just our friendly new antagonist." Rose shook her head. "Suffice to say, the username turntechGodhead is no longer safe to contact."

Dave groaned. "The son of a bitch is hijacking my account now?"

John slid away from Rose and removed his glasses long enough to show Dave the conversation on the lens. Dave drew a sharp breath as he read.

"Fuck," he said, his voice barely a whisper.

"Is..." John slid his glasses back in place and kept lowering his gaze no matter how often he tried to stare Dave in the face. "Is this going to be you? Are you going to have to travel back in time and become... that?"

Dave relaxed and shrugged. "Don't worry about it, dude. That staticy asshole is just another Dave from a doomed timeline. He probably saw you get possessed before he decided to fuck _that_ noise and prevent the same thing happening in this timeline."

"Your doomed selves are supposed to die though, right?" John said, not sure he felt so good about wanting any version of Dave to die.

"As far as I can sense," Rose cut in, "this glitched Dave is an exception to that rule. Whatever's happened to him, it's strong enough to overwrite the laws that should doom him."

John frowned. "Are we really sure we can't reason with the, uh... Daveglitch?"

"He killed his lusus, John," Dave said, a dark edge to his tone. "Pretty damn sure he wasn't trying to be cute with those messages he sent you either."

"He wanted me to leave him behind," Jade said quietly. She sounded weird when she wasn't cheerful. John had heard her exasperated or sympathetic on occasion but never quite so somber. "I think he knew that he wouldn't be himself anymore."

John shuddered, both for the Daveglitch and for how close he'd been to being a Johnglitch. If he'd moved just a few more inches and grabbed that doorknob, he'd have been the one slaughtering innocent NPCs and sending creepy messages to his worried friends.

"M-maybe there's another walkthrough and, if we look hard enough, we can find a way to reverse this!" Jade's smile looked forced.

Dave shrugged, looking about as convinced as John felt. What were the chances they could rebuild an endgame door, even if they could sneak past the Daveglitch? They were as good as waiting to die, as far as he could see. Maybe it would take a while for Daveglitch to find them, but there was no way they could fight him if even Rose didn't foresee a chance of victory. The most they could do was mess around on the lab's computers, either to futilely search for answers or to just take their minds off the situation -- it probably wouldn't matter which.

While Dave and Jade both took to computers that sat isolated from the others, John claimed a computer station next to Rose's. He barely paid his monitor any heed and he clutched Rose's hand whenever it was free from typing. She squeezed back, giving him a small but nervous smile.

"What."

John glanced at Dave, whose expression was too blank to read. "What, what?" John said.

Dave stared straight at his monitor. "What the hell is someone doing sending me a piece of shit jpeg right now."

When Rose and Jade looked perplexed -- and it seemed safe to assume neither had sent him anything -- John hopped up to stare over Dave's shoulder. The other two were quick to join him in crowding around Dave's station as he maximized an image file.

It was a mess of scraggly lines, all drawn in bright red. It almost looked as if there was a stick figure attempted within the mess of scrawls and curves, but the only thing that looked recognizable beyond a clusterfuck was a scribble in the corner that might have been the words "TO COOLKID" written with a distorted I.

Rose raised an eyebrow and Jade tilted her head as if the image would make more sense at a sideways angle, but John had a feeling the candy red of the composition was agitating Dave more than the nonsensical nature. Thinking of the color as blood gave it a violent impression. He shivered and hoped it wasn't from Daveglitch.

"Do you know who sent this?" Rose said.

Dave scowled. "Y'think I'd give two shits about this if I knew where it came from? I don't know how to trace this crap."

Jade batted at his shoulder so he'd lean aside enough that she could take over his keyboard. It only took her a few seconds to pull up a couple new windows and type the commands that opened a new viewport on Trollian. "There."

They all leaned in to stare. The viewport focused on a... _thing_ that sort of looked like a mini troll. It had pink-ish skin and an almost orange hue to its hair. It didn't have horns, or claws, or fangs, and it looked _awfully_ squishy and fragile.

"What the almighty fuck is that," Dave said flatly.

Jade frowned and straightened. "I... I think it's an alien from our universe."

"Wow. _That's_ what we created. A pathetic little pink thing that doesn't even have horns."

"To be fair, it does look freshly hatched." Rose peered closer to the monitor, making Dave lean back even more to avoid her. "Jade, can you go a little further into the timeline?"

"Sure, um..." Jade moved the cursor, fast forwarding through the little alien's life until she -- it looked female by troll standards, anyway -- grew closer to their ages. Other than her odd coloring and the lack of sharp bits, she could have been a troll.

"Whoa, its blood is _red_!" Jade said, pausing near the end of the timeline. "I thought only carapacians had red blood!"

The monitor froze on an image of the alien on a strange planet, different than the bright blue world that had colored her background before. She was a little scuffed up, trickles of red blood running from her cuts, and she carried a cane she used to attack imps. Whoever she was, she'd also played Sgrub.

Rose gasped. "Jade, keep going."

Jade nodded and moved the timeline ahead. The alien vanished from view and the entire window was replaced by static and graphical glitches. It looked just like the distortion that surrounded Daveglitch.

John's eyes widened. "The same thing happened to their session!"

Dave shook his head, his jaw tense. "That's the _exact_ same shit that came out of our door. Y'know, the door that just so happens to be connected to their universe."

John mouthed an "Oh," then said "Ohhh!" aloud as the idea sank in. Oh man, that could not mean good things.

"We should investigate further," Rose said, her voice harsh only like it was when she gave orders. "Jade, can you get a lock on the other players within their session?"

"That should be easy," Jade said with a grin. Shoving Dave aside again, she grabbed his keyboard and got to work typing system commands so fast John couldn't hope to follow. It was a good thing she was proficient with machines, because he was fairly sure none of the rest of them could have straightened up with a triumphant expression half as quickly as she did. "There's twelve of them. Their usernames should be coded into all the computers on this network now."

Rose nodded. "Observe them." She moved to her computer. "Maybe they can show us exactly where that glitch came from."

Jade nodded, peering at the viewport on Dave's monitor for as long as she could before she settled back at her station to open the same window. Dave frowned and decaptchalogued a pair of headphones instead of touching his keyboard.

Mind still swimming, John slumped in front of his monitor. There were twelve new usernames sitting on his chumproll, just as Jade had predicted, and he scrolled through them. It probably made the most sense to start his observations with the aliens' leader, but there was no telling which one was- Wait. One of the usernames was ectoBiologist (though it started as carcinoGeneticist earlier in the timeline). That was handy.

He opened the viewport on his fellow ectobiologist/leader. The alien looked male, though there was no knowing for sure. He had pitch black hair, at least, but his skin was a reddish brown and there were still no horns to be seen in his unkempt hair. He had no lusus in view -- was he an orphan? -- and he appeared to live with a full grown alien.

John scrolled along the timeline, pausing every few months to check for changes. Still no sign of a lusus. The alien really must have been an orphan, with no one to feed him or protect him from highbloods or cuddle him back to sleep after a nightmare. John felt a yearning he couldn't quite place.

The alien almost never smiled and John began to wonder if his species was even capable of it before he caught sight of the adult alien smiling. He supposed the ectobiologist didn't have much to be happy about, orphaned and hornless and fated to play a game that would try to kill him at every turn.

The yearning grew stronger. This weak little alien must have fought so hard to survive on his own, only to fall victim to a game even trolls had difficulty playing...

John had never felt such a strong surge of pity.

He wasn't normally interested in giving orders, but observing just didn't cut it. It only made sense to interrogate, right? Interrogate and maybe make friends. He swallowed.

"Guys?" he said. "I think we should talk to them."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of Act 1.
> 
> I'm both excited and kind of nervous about finally reaching this chapter's reveal. I've never gotten proper reader feedback on it; my beta readers were present the moment I went "Guys, guys! I think I have a villain for the species swap fic who's not just a canon villain or an OC! Okay... Davesprite possessed by a Missing No-like glitch!" so they were spoiled from the get-go. Basically, I hope I portrayed Daveglitch's first appearance well!
> 
> Also, formatting that glitched up chatlog sucked.
> 
> PS: If you're interested in what went down in Daveglitch's timeline, "[E/+R_R0R](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1779916)" is the side-story that covers it.


	12. Intermission 1

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 20:12 --

CG: GUESS WHOSE DUMBASS PARENT FINALLY GOT THEMSELVES FUCKING ARRESTED.  
GA: Has Aradias Mother Been Implicated After All This Time  
CG: I'M PRETTY SURE WE ALL KNOW THEY'D NEVER TAKE DAMARA ALIVE EVEN IF THEY COULD FIND HER.  
CG: I MEANT MY DUMBASS PARENT.  
GA: Oh  
GA: What Transpired That Could Possibly Land Your Father In Jail  
CG: SOME POLITICAL PROTEST DOWNTOWN. WHAT THE FUCK ELSE?  
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED. THE TV STATIONS ARE PROBABLY TOO FULL OF SHIT TO BOTHER CHECKING.  
CG: AS FAR AS I CAN TELL, THE BRAIN-DAMAGED ASSLICKER WENT AND LED A MOB TO THE MAYOR'S OFFICE AND DIDN'T DISPERSE WHEN THE COPS SHOWED UP, BECAUSE HAVE I MENTIONED LATELY THAT MY DAD'S BRAIN IS MADE OF FUCKING COTTON CANDY?

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is no longer connected! --

GA: Karkat  
GA: Are You Invisible

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 20:28--

CG: FSJFKNTDM  
CG: ARE YOU STILL THERE?  
GA: Yes  
CG: THE GODDAMN COMPUTER FROZE. I SWEAR IT TOOK LONGER TO REBOOT JUST TO SPITE ME.  
CG: WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT AGAIN?  
GA: You Were Explaining Why Your Father Was Arrested  
CG: UGH, RIGHT.  
CG: DAD'S PRIORITIES ARE FUCKED UP BEYOND BELIEF, THE COPS AGREE WITH ME, THE END, MOVING ON.  
GA: Hmm  
GA: I Cannot Help But Feel You Are Judging Your Father Unfairly  
CG: ARE YOU SERIOUS?  
GA: My Mother Has Partaken In A Number Of Peaceful Protests  
GA: I Assume You Would Not Spew Such Insulting Phrases At Her If Something Went Wrong At Such An Event  
CG: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND MY DAD IS THAT ONE OF THEM HAS DONE RESEARCH WHILE THE OTHER CAN'T FIGURE OUT THAT FECAL MATTER ISN'T EDIBLE. GUESS WHICH IS WHICH.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is no longer connected! --

GA: I Do Not Believe Either Of Them Partake In Fecal Matter

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 20:40 --

CG: THAT WASN'T EVEN FIVE MINUTES! I WILL MURDER THIS DESKTOP IN ITS SLEEP, SO HELP ME.  
CG: ANYWAY THE POINT IS  
CG: YOUR MOTHER IS A MINORITY IN RACE *AND* GENDER, HAS A PH.D, AND HAS HER SHIT SO WELL TOGETHER THAT SHE GETS PAID TO TEACH COLLEGE STUDENTS ABOUT ALL THE WAYS THIS COUNTRY FUCKS OVER ANYONE WHO'S NOT WHITE, STRAIGHT, AND MALE. MY DAD THINKS BEING IN A MARGINALIZED GROUP MEANS HE CAN DO NO WRONG.  
GA: He Just Wants To Bring Light To A Very Important Subject  
CG: HE ALIENATES AND INSULTS EVERYONE HE PREACHES TO UNTIL EVEN OUR ALLIES WOULD RATHER STRANGLE THEMSELVES WITH THEIR OWN INTESTINES THAN GIVE A SINGLE FUCK ABOUT RESERVATION CONDITIONS.  
CG: FOR FUCK'S SAKE, DO YOU KNOW HOW OFTEN HE TELLS OUR NEIGHBORS THAT THEY NEED TO AVOID STEREOTYPES AND BE A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR THE REST OF THE NATION? OH GOD, WE MIGHT SCARE OFF THE WHITE PEOPLE IF WE DON'T ACT JUST SO, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF US! EXCEPT, OH WAIT, HE SCARES THEM OFF ANYWAY.  
GA: I Am Sure He Is Not That Bad  
GA: He Probably Just Encounters People Who Dismiss Him Because They Are Too Uncomfortable In Their Privilege To Acknowledge The Problems Your Tribe Faces  
CG: IT'S A NATION, KANAYA, NOT A TRIBE AND OH MY FUCKING GOD I'M TALKING LIKE HIM NOW.  
GA: I Apologize I Should I Have Known That Distinction  
GA: I Am Sure Mother Has Told Me Before  
CG: CAN WE CHANGE THE SUBJECT ALREADY? I'M FINALLY AWAY FROM HIM FOR A FEW HOURS. I DON'T NEED TO WASTE THIS FREEDOM TALKING ABOUT POLITICAL ACTIVISM.  
GA: Fair Enough  
GA: Are You Contacting Me From Some Sort Of Foster Home  
CG: WHAT? FUCK NO. AT LEAST DAD'S NOT DUMB ENOUGH TO TELL ANYONE I EXIST.  
GA: What  
GA: Do I Understand Correctly That You Are Home Alone Until Your Fathers Bail Is Posted  
CG: HE'LL PROBABLY BE BACK TOMORROW.  
GA: Probably  
CG: LATE TOMORROW WITH ANY LUCK.  
GA: That Is Troubling  
CG: IT IS A FUCKING GODSEND.  
CG: I'M STAYING UP PAST MIDNIGHT AND SKIPPING SCHOOL. IT WILL BE BEAUTIFUL.  
GA: I Would Advise Against That  
GA: In Fact I Would Advise Locating Your Nearest Family Member If You Are Uncomfortable Approaching The Police For Assistance  
CG: WHY IS THIS A BIG DEAL? SOLLUX GOES FUCKING DAYS WITHOUT SEEING HIS BRO ALL THE TIME.  
GA: Piloting An Airplane And Sitting In Jail Are Two Very Different Things

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is no longer connected! --

GA: Sigh  
GA: Oh

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 21:05 --

CG: WHAT? WHAT DID I MISS IN THE FIFTEEN MINUTES THIS SLOTH OF A GLORIFIED TOASTER TOOK TO TURN BACK ON?  
GA: I Have Found Video Coverage Of This Protest Your Father Participated In  
GA: He Is  
GA: How To Put This  
GA: Quite Passionate But Severely Misguided Isnt He  
GA: In Fact He Almost Sounds As If He's On The Side Of The Oppressors For The Number Of Times He Scolds Marginalized Groups And Tiptoes Around Insulting Any Majority Groups  
CG: DO I REALLY HAVE TO STOOP TO "I TOLD YOU SO"?  
GA: I Apologize For My Earlier Disbelief  
GA: However In My Defense His Supposed Cause Truly Is Important  
GA: And You Do Tend To Exaggerate Matters  
CG: IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY, APPARENTLY.  
GA: I Sincerely Hope He Has Not Passed His Fashion Sense On To You As Well  
CG: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HOW DO YOU EVEN NOTICE HIS SHITASS CLOTHES OVER THE CHEESE GRATER ON THE BRAIN THAT IS HIS VOICE?  
GA: How High Does He Wear Those Pants Exactly  
CG: WHAT HAPPENED TO "You Are Judging Your Father Unfairly"? IT'S NOT LIKE GOODWILL REGULARLY STOCKS RALPH FUCKING LAUREN.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is no longer connected! --

GA: I Apologize That Is A Fair Point  
GA: Your Computer Really Is Being Especially Antagonistic Today Isnt It

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 21:25 --

CG: FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK  
CG: THIS  
CG: COMPUTER!!!  
CG: THIS MACHINE IS THE BIGGEST PIECE OF MOLDING, FESTERING, BLEEDING SHIT ANY CONSTRUCTION SITE PORTA-POTTY HAS EVER SEEN!!!!!  
CG: IT BELONGS IN THE TOILET FROM ****HELL****!!!!!!!!!  
CG: BUT THE DEVIL DIDN'T WANT IT, SO HE SENT IT TO ME IN HOPES OF DRIVING ME SO MAD I'D SLIT MY FUCKING THROAT WITH A PENCIL!!!  
GA: You Appear Stressed  
GA: Perhaps It Is In Your Best Emotional Interest To Turn In Early  
CG: FUCK THAT SHIT! I'M STAYING UP UNTIL THE SUN RISES AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GUILT ME OTHERWISE!  
GA: Have You At Least Had A Proper Dinner  
CG: THE EMPTY STATE OF MY KITCHEN IS NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!!!  
GA: Karkat  
GA: I Asked About Dinner In General  
GA: After Your Response I Am Afraid I Must Entertain A Much More Worrisome Thought  
GA: Do You Have Food In Your House  
CG: YOU'RE MEDDLING AGAIN.  
GA: You Are Dodging The Question  
CG: RRRRGH.  
CG: THERE'S HALF A STICK OF BUTTER IN THE FRIDGE, OKAY? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR? IS YOUR NOSINESS SATISFIED?  
GA: Is This A Normal State For Your Kitchen  
CG: WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WHEN THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS HOUSE OLD ENOUGH FOR EMPLOYMENT SPENDS ALL THEIR TIME PICKETING STUPID POLITICAL GARBAGE?  
GA: No Wonder You Are So Agitated Tonight  
GA: I Am Ordering You Delivery  
CG: WHAT NO  
GA: And Why Not  
CG: BECAUSE  
CG: DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT. JUST DON'T ORDER ANYTHING.  
GA: Hmm Jimmy Johns Would Be The Healthier Option But I Feel This Situation Calls For The Wild Abandon Of Nutritional Value  
CG: STOP IT.  
GA: Perhaps Pizza Hut  
CG: KANAYA, DON'T.  
GA: Do You Prefer Sausage Or Pepperoni  
CG: I CAN'T PAY YOU BACK.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is no longer connected! --

GA: Oh Dear

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 21:43 --

CG: FUCK THIS COMPUTER WITH A RUSTY, SHARPENED, SHITCOVERED FORK!!!  
CG: I GIVE UP. I'M SIGNING OFF BEFORE IT CAN FREEZE AGAIN.  
CG: MAYBE I'LL DO SOMETHING MORE PRODUCTIVE FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT THAN WRESTLING WITH SHITTYASS COMPUTERS. LIKE SLAMMING MY HEAD INTO BROKEN GLASS.  
GA: That May Be For The Best  
GA: Do Look After Yourself  
GA: The Pizza Should Be There Within Twenty Minutes I Covered Everything Including Tip  
CG: GODDAMMIT.  
GA: I Am Not Expecting Reimbursement If That Troubles You  
CG: I AM SCUM AND I DON'T DESERVE YOUR FRIENDSHIP.  
GA: You Are A Fantastic If Vulgar And Overly Enthusiastic Friend And I Will Not Hear Otherwise  
GA: Please Contact Me By Whatever Means Necessary If Your Father Does Not Return By This Time Tomorrow  
CG: FINE. BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE FEEDING ME.  
CG: ...THANKS, KANAYA.  
CG: AND SORRY.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 21:46 --

* * *

\-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] began pestering adiosToreador [AT] at 15:39 --

CC: H---ELLO!! 38D  
AT: oH, hELLO,  
AT: sORRY, i WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION, aND i DIDN'T NOTICE YOU SIGN ON,  
AT: iT'S, uH, bEEN A WHILE AND i GUESS i WASN'T EXPECTING TO SEE YOU,,,  
CC: Don't apologize! I )(ave been offline a W)(IL-E, )(aven't I?  
AT: yES, a FEW WEEKS, aS FAR AS I COULD TELL,  
AT: i WAS A LITTLE WORRIED, wHEN YOU WERE GONE THAT LONG,,,  
AT: wERE YOU OKAY?  
CC: Y---EP! Sorry about t)(at! I just )(ad a bunc)( of filming to do and Mumsy took me on a SURPRIS-E TRIP afterwards! T)(en I was SWAMP-ED wit)( interviews when we got back!  
AT: oH, gOOD, i AM GLAD, tHAT YOU ARE WELL, aND HOPEFULLY THAT YOU HAD A GOOD TRIP,  
CC: It was fintastic mostly! Too bad Mumsy )(ad to tag along! I was doing a great job )(iding from cameras, until Mumsy blew our cover! S)(e just LOV-ES the glubbing attention. 3>8(  
CC: I t)(ink s)(e knows s)(e wouldn't get that muc)( coverage on )(er own anymore. But it's not like s)(e's a )(as-been eit)(er, so s)(e s)(ould learn to suck it up and accept t)(e attention s)(e attracts WIT)(OUT )(er daug)(ter!  
AT: yES, tHAT SOUNDS VERY SELFISH OF HER,  
AT: iF YOU DO NOT MIND MY SAYING SO,  
CC: Of course I don't mind! 38) But enoug)( about M-E! How are YOU?  
AT: oH, i AM  
AT: tHE SAME AS USUAL, mOSTLY,  
AT: bUT,  
AT: i MAY OWE YOU AN APOLOGY,  
CC: O)(??  
AT: i, uHH, mAY HAVE TOLD SOME KIDS AT SCHOOL THAT i KNEW YOU,,,  
AT: bUT THEY DIDN'T BELIEVE ME ANYWAY, sO,,,  
CC: O)( no! Tavros, w)(y would you do that??  
AT: wELL, tHEY HAD BEEN A BIT, uH, mEAN,  
AT: aND THEN i HEARD THEM TALKING ABOUT mERMAID dIVA,  
AT: sO i TRIED JOINING IN, aND LET THAT SLIP, bUT THEY JUST CALLED ME A LIAR,  
AT: aND MAY HAVE STOLEN MY BAG,,,  
CC: 3>8O  
AT: i AM SORRY,,,  
CC: Don't feel bad, Tavros! Sometimes I almost wis)( Mermaid Diva never became popular so I could )(ang out wit)( all my old friends wit)(out attracting stares!  
CC: But I am FURIOUS AT T)(OS-E GLUBBING BRATS!!  
CC: Can't your cousin do somet)(ing to )(elp?  
AT: wELL, i HAVEN'T ACTUALLY TOLD HIM, iN ALL TRUTH,  
AT: tHERE HAVE BEEN SOME NEW HORSES TO TRAIN AT HIS JOB AND, uH, hIS EMPLOYER, mR, zAHHAK,,, i GUESS HE'S BEEN RATHER DIFFICULT TO WORK WITH, lATELY,  
AT: sO, i THOUGHT i SHOULDN'T BOTHER HIM,  
CC: Glub glub...  
CC: I still t)(ink )(e s)(ould know, Tavros. But it's your decision.  
CC: I would offer to get you a cameo on the s)(ow, but t)(e only t)(ing worse t)(an bullies are paparazzi! 3>8(  
CC: I won't unleas)( t)(ose bottomfeeders on you!  
AT: tHANKS, fOR LOOKING OUT FOR ME,  
AT: i PROBABLY WOULD NOT LIKE PAPARAZZI, nO,  
CC: We'll )(ave to )(ang out IRL sometime anyway! But no attention w)(ore mot)(ers allowed to cras)( our parties! 38)  
CC: And I'll c)(ase away any bullies wit)( an oversized prop trident! Or maybe my non-prop version, )(e)(e.  
CC: )(ey, I )(ave an idea! W)(y don't I tell you some spoilers for the upcoming Mermaid Diva eposodes? T)(en you can ruin t)(em for t)(ose bullies AND prove you know me!  
AT: aRE YOU, uH, sURE?  
CC: Sure am! 38) So long as you t)(ink t)(ey're t)(e types w)(o )(ate getting spoiled!  
AT: oH, dEFINITELY,  
CC: Well, t)(ere's a two-parter coming up w)(ere Crystal transforms back into a mermaid princess early and )(as to fake an entire concert wit)(out letting anyone figure out )(er tail is reel!  
CC: T)(e kicker is t)(at t)(e concert goes FIN-E, but Billy finally figures out s)(e's not )(uman!  
AT: wOW, i WAS NOT EXPECTING THE SHOW TO CHANGE, uM, tHE STATUS QUO,  
AT: sO SUDDENLY,  
CC: )(a)(a, Y-EA)(, I'm so EXCIT---ED for it! T)(oug)( -Eridan was so mad t)(at )(is c)(aracter isn't Crystal's sole secret keeper anymore! I don't know w)(y )(e wants -Eric to end up with Crystal so bad, for as muc)( as )(e makes fun of Nepeta's s)(ipping c)(arts!  
AT: pROBABLY BECAUSE HE IS, pERHAPS NOT SO SUBTLELY, pROJECTING HIS REAL LIFE DESIRES, oNTO THE SHOW,  
AT: tHAT'S WHAT THE OTHERS SAY, aT LEAST,  
CC: Wait, you mean...  
CC: T)(e ot)(ers t)(ink )(e LIK-ES M-E?  
AT: yES, :)  
CC: O)( COD, I )(OP---E NOT.  
AT: iS THAT, bAD?  
CC: SO V-ERY BAD!  
CC: -Eridan is a good FRI-END, but...  
CC: )(e can be so TAXING to be around!! 38(  
CC: I don't t)(ink I could -EV-ER be interested in )(im like T)(AT.  
AT: oH,,, sORRy, :(  
CC: SIG)(. I t)(oug)(t )(e was just awkward, not trying to FLIRT...  
CC: I wonder if I s)(ould nip t)(is in the bud? Or would t)(at make t)(ings WORS-E if )(e knows I know?  
AT: i AM NOT SURE i AM MUCH HELP, iN THE DEPARTMENT OF ROMANTIC ADVICE,  
AT: pERHAPS ASK kARKAT?  
CC: )(a)(a, sorry, Tavros! I'm just venting I guess.  
CC: Maybe I will ask for Karcrab's opinion t)(oug)(. Good idea.  
AT: i'M GLAD i CAN BE AT LEAST OF THAT MUCH ASSISTANCE, :)  
AT: sPEAKING OF, i SHOULD PROBABLY GO CHECK ON MY COS, aND MAKE SURE HE ISN'T IN NEED OF AN EXTRA PAIR OF HANDS,,,  
CC: I understand. Ranc)( work sounds pretty toug)(!  
CC: I'll catc)( you later more often now that I'm back! See ya!  
AT: gOOD LUCK, wITH ERIDAN, aND YOUR MOTHER, aND THE PAPARAZZI,  
CC: T)(anks! 38)

\-- adiosToreador [AT] ceased pestering cuttlefishCuller [CC] at 16:50 --

* * *

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began pestering arsenicCatnip [AC] at 18:04 --

AA: hell0  
AC: :33 < *ac pawnces happily on her friend who she has not seen in too long and missed very, very much!* aradia!  
AA: s0rry f0r the absence  
AA: 0ur last few st0ps didnt have wifi  
AA: the internet here isnt particularly fast but at least it w0rks for pesterchum  
AC: :33 < another motel?  
AA: yes  
AA: i d0nt think we will be settling d0wn again f0r a few m0re m0nths  
AA: after mamas last scam 0_0  
AA: but shes pr0mised t0 stick t0 m0tels that pr0vide wifi when she can fr0m n0w 0n  
AC: :33 < where are you now?  
AC: :33 < or is that supurr secret?  
AC: :33 < *sniffs around for hidden surveillance equipment*  
AA: it sh0uld be fine n0 0nes bugged my c0mputer  
AA: we are in nebraska  
AC: :33 < OH NO!!!!!!  
AA: n0 its all right  
AA: mama made sure we c0uld st0p by ashfall  
AA: s0 we saw l0ts 0f f0ssils 0u0  
AC: :33 < arent the people pawful though?  
AA: n0t really  
AA: theyre m0stly nice  
AA: alth0ugh  
AA: theyre rather put 0ff whenever mama pretends she cant speak english  
AA: but theyre nice t0 me  
AC: :33 < i guess thats not too surpurrising  
AC: :33 < even in auntie meulins supurrb veterinary clinic she gets racist assholes  
AC: :33 < sometimes they dont realize shes deaf and assume she cant understand english when shes just trying to explain she cant read lips if they dont face her!  
AC: :33 < grrrrr!! *she paces angrily as she envisions going on the hunt for these rude vermin*  
AA: pe0ple can be like that anywhere  
AA: even new y0rkers have sp0ken t0 me with raised v0lume and 0verly careful enunciation bef0re  
AA: its half 0f h0w mama can d0 her business everywhere  
AA: since everywhere pe0ple are capable 0f assuming she d0esnt kn0w what shes d0ing just by virtue 0f language barriers  
AC: :33 < *she shivers, the furs on her tail standing on end* sometimes, aradia, your mama sounds a little scary  
AA: 0_0  
AA: 0h n0 shes quite nice  
AA: s0 l0ng as y0ure n0t a rich businessman  
AC: :33 < heck no! i wouldnt even wanna rp one of them!  
AC: :33 < speaking of  
AC: :33 < i really wish you lived n33rby sometimes  
AC: :33 < i would love to have an rp partner irl  
AC: :33 < equius wont let me go to the local larp meetings DDX he says theyre bad influences and its not proper anyway  
AA: y0u c0uld g0 anyway  
AA: i s0metimes sneak 0ut while mamas at w0rk and expl0re even when she says n0t t0  
AA: n0thing bads happened yet and i imagine ive been in w0rse l0cati0ns f0r such shenanigans than y0u have  
AC: :33 < *she licks at her paw and works at cl33ning her bangs while she ponders this*  
AC: :33 < no i dont think i should hes just looking out for me  
AC: :33 < and well :\\\ look at tavros and terezi  
AA: its y0ur ch0ice  
AA: if mama ever travels past y0ur area th0ugh i w0uld be happy t0 take y0u f0r y0ur first larping expediti0n  
AC: :33 < yay!!  
AC: :33 < nuts auntie meulin wants me to run a few errands fur her :((  
AC: :33 < will you still be online when we get back? i miss our rps  
AA: sure  
AA: tell me which 0ne you want t0 pick up and ill think ab0ut new scenari0s f0r when y0u get back  
AC: :33 < oooh ummmmmm!! :33 what about the vampire kitty one?  
AA: we can d0 that  
AC: :33 < yaaaay ill be back as soon as i can :))

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased pestering apocalypseArisen [AA] at 18:32 --

* * *

\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] began pestering centaursTesticle [CT] at 08:10 --

TC: HeY tHeRe MoThErFuCkEr.  
CT: D--> Mr. Makara  
CT: D--> I would STRONGLY prefer not to be addressed in such a crude manner  
CT: D--> It's unbefitting for both of us  
TC: mY aPoLoGiEs, My FiNe BrO. i DoN't MeAn To GeT aLl Up In YoUr MoThErFuCkInG gRiLl, YoU hEaR mE?  
CT: D--> I don't hear you  
CT: D--> But in retrospect I must apologize for speaking so rashly  
CT: D--> Though I still don't appreciate such a tone I have no right to chastise you on your choice of language  
TC: ChAsTiSe To YoUr MoThErFuCkInG hEaRt'S cOnTeNt. :o) I dOn'T mInD, bRo.  
CT: D--> No, I do not hold the ranking to make such demands  
CT: D--> While our ranch is noble in its task of caring for magnificent steeds, and more than successful at its task, we are still in no position to compare ourselves to a politician and fine businessman such as your father  
TC: aW, pOpS aIn'T nOtHiNg SpEcIaL. hE's JuSt A lItTlE fUcKiNg FaNcY.  
TC: DoN't WoRrY yUuR hEaD aBoUt WhAt ThAt MoThErFuCkEr ThInKs.  
CT: D--> Though it is not my position to say so, if it were, I'd remind you once again that such 100d language really is unbecoming of someone of your social status  
TC: yEaH, nEvEr CaReD mUcH aBoUt ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg SoCiAl NoRmS rOuNd HeRe.  
TC: GeTs In ThE wAy Of A tRuLy ChIlL lIfE, yOu FeEl?  
TC: bUt I gEeSs ThAt'S a BiT oF a MoThErFuCkInG pRoBlEm.  
CT: D--> At least you've recognized that  
TC: YeAh, bRo. :o( I nEeD hElP.  
TC: pOpS aIn'T tOo HaPpY wItH mY sTaTe Of BeInG lAtElY.  
CT: D--> Well the senator does have a reputation to maintain  
CT: D--> His family included  
TC: HoLy ShIt, It'S lIkE yOu'Re A mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiNd ReAdEr.  
TC: tHaT's SoMe MiRaCuLoUs ShIt, RiGhT tHeRe.  
TC: It'S a SiGn I wAs RiGhT tO cOmE tO yOu, BrO. yOu'Re My MoThErFuCkInG gUiDe.  
TC: nEeD yOu To LaY dOwN sOmE rUlEs On WhAt I sHoUlD bE dOiNg To KeEp PoPs HaPpIeR wItH mE.  
CT: D--> You're giving me permission to give you orders  
TC: SuRe, BrO. lAy SoMe On Me.  
CT: D--> Is that an order  
TC: iT's A mOtHeRfUcKeR aSkInG hIs GoOd BrO fOr A mOtHeRfUcKiNg LiFeSaVeR oF a FaVoR.  
CT: D--> Are you sure it can't be an order  
CT: D--> It would be, uh  
CT: D--> More appropriate, for your cause, if you wish to emulate your father  
TC: Oh, WeLl, SuRe ThEn, BrO, mAkE iT a MoThErFuCkInG oRdEr To TeAcH mE sOmE pRoPeR fUcKiNg EtIqUeTtE oVeR hErE.  
CT: D--> E%cuse me one moment I think I need to fetch a towel  
TC: tAkE yOuR mOtHeRfUcKiNg TiMe, My BrO.  
TC: :o)  
CT: D--> My apologies, I believe I can begin now  
CT: D--> First off, cease your usage of those disgusting narcotics  
TC: nO cAn Do. :o)  
TC: ThEy HeLp Me KeEp My MoThErFuCkInG cHiLl On.  
CT: D--> You are not making this easy  
CT: D--> Your social status allows you near legal immunity on such matters  
CT: D--> But all the same if you were caught it would be a STRONG mark against your father  
TC: wElL, wE'lL tRy A fEw OtHeR tHiNgS aNd MaYbE tHeY'lL eVeN oUt So We CaN sKiP sTeP oNe.  
CT: D--> If you insist  
CT: D--> Ne%t, the 100d language  
CT: D--> It has to stop  
TC: WeLl ShIt. ThAt SoUnDs LiKe A pReTtY tOuGh HaBiT tO bReAk. I'lL gIvE iT a TrY bUt I cAn'T mAkE pRoMiSeS.  
CT: D--> On a similar note  
CT: D--> I STRONGLY suspect Senator Makara would prefer if you ceased referring to him as "Pops," especially in official capacities  
TC: hAhA yEaH.  
TC: PoPs MoThErFuCkInG hAtEs ThAt.  
CT: D--> You are purposefully being difficult as a joke at my e%pense, aren't you  
TC: dOn'T fOlLoW yOu ThErE, bRo.  
TC: I jUsT hAvE tO bE mYsElF. wHo ThE mOtHeRfUcK eLsE cAn I bE?  
CT: D--> 100k, this is all I can do for you  
CT: D--> If you can't take my advice seriously, then I may have to order you to order me to stop giving you orders  
TC: wHoA, bRo. ThAt WaS dEeP.  
CT: D--> Just tell me to stop giving you orders  
CT: D--> If you would, sir  
TC: SuRe ThInG, mOtHeRfUcKeR. iF yOu ThInK tHiS sHiT iSn'T hElPiNg, BeSt We QuIt EaRlY.  
CT: D--> Yes of course  
CT: D--> My apologies, sir, I hope my behavior was acceptable to you  
TC: aLl My BrOs HaVe AcCepTaBlE bEhAvIoR, mOtHeRfUcKeR. yOu JuSt GoTtA lEaRn To MoThErFuCkInG aCcEpT yOuRsElF. :o)  
CT: D--> I will do my utmost  
CT: D--> As I hope you will attempt with your new knowledge in proper etiquette  
CT: D--> Now if you'd be so kind... as to order me to cease this conversation  
TC: SuRe, MoThErFuCkEr.  
TC: gEt On LoGgInG oFf Or WhAtEvEr SuItS yOuR fAnCy, BrO.  
CT: D--> Yes of course  
CT: D--> I need to fetch another towel anyway

\-- centaursTesticle [CT] ceased pestering terminallyCapricious [TC] at 10:03 --

* * *

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at 19:56 --

CA: vvris  
CA: wwe need to talk  
AG: Oh, reeeeeeeeally?  
AG: Here I thought you were too f8mous to 8e seen talking to pl8n little ol' me anymore.  
AG: Oh w8!!!!!!!! You're just a stupid co-star no one cares a8out anyway! >::::)  
CA: youre showwin your ignorance vvris  
CA: havve you seen howw many times ivve made the covver of teen mag this last year alone  
AG: Ooooooooh, the 8-year-olds like you. Congratul8tions.  
CA: that is not the target demographic you imbecile  
CA: its evven titled teen  
AG: Exactly. For those who wish they were teens! 8ecause real teens know that's a 8ullshit magazine anyway!  
CA: wwhat are you antagonizin me for  
CA: im just tryin to talk wwith you  
AG: I dou8t that, but okay, fine. What are you pestering me a8out this time?  
CA: im tryin to be nice here  
CA: i knoww you must be havvin regrets about wwhat happened betwween us by noww  
CA: i just thought maybe youd wwant to see me and get that shit sorted out  
AG: ........Holy shit. You're trying to ask me out again, aren't you?  
CA: dont flatter yourself  
CA: i mean itd be one thing if you realized wwhat a giant mistake you made and came crawwlin back  
CA: but until then consider me uninterested  
AG: Mm-hmmmmmmmm. Very convincing.  
AG: I'm sure I won't use this conversation as fuel to mock you mercilessly l8er.  
CA: gawwd  
CA: i dont knoww wwhy i still bother talkin to you fuckin people  
CA: at least zahhak knowws howw to be a kissass but evven hes beneath fefs and my time  
CA: youre all lucky i havvent decided to block you on pretext of being unwworthy wworthless nobodies  
AG: Is it 8ecause no one else will talk to you?  
CA: that is not fuckin true  
CA: ivve got fans and film creww racin to satisfy my evvery need  
AG: Not half as many as Peixes has got! ::::)  
CA: you shut up she deservves evvery one of those  
CA: and the serkets get wwhat they deservve too  
CA: a wwhole wwhoppin zero  
AG: MEH!  
AG: Mom's 8ooks sell more in a week than your teeny-8opper auto8iography sold in a year.  
AG: May8e no one recognizes her on the street, and we don't have legions of yes-men at our 8eck and call, 8ut at least she's not a has-8een remem8ered for oooooooone song and riding the coattails of a nephew.  
CA: you keep my uncle outta this  
AG: How did that tune go? "No8ody likes me, every8ody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms"?  
CA: those are not the fuckin lyrics  
AG: Pretty sure that's close enough!  
CA: no  
AG: "Every8ody hates me" is literally in the chorus, moron.  
CA: but it sounds wway deeper in context  
AG: You keep telling yourself that. Just do me a f8vor and have your traditional family angstfests far, far away from the microphone.  
AG: Don't want to suffer a fluke and risk airplay for another song only twelve-year-olds can relate to.  
CA: you knoww wwhat nevver fuckin mind youre too insufferable to evver be wworth askin out  
CA: hell if wwe wwere still datin maybe this is wwhere id break up wwith you  
AG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you WERE trying to ask me out!  
CA: you fuckin wwish  
AG: No, I don't. >::::) Trust me on that, Ampora.  
CA: fuck you anywway you black wwidoww

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at 20:48 --

* * *

\-- twinArmageddeons [TA] began pestering gallowsCallibrator [GC] at 16:22 --

TA: hey TZ. you 2tiill gettiing that beta thii2 week?  
GC: Y34H BUT MY S1ST3RS COPY OF G4M3 G1RL S41D TH4T 1TS K1ND4 SH1TTY  
GC: WHY :? YOU ST1LL PL4NN1NG ON PL4Y1NG 1T  
TA: yeah, ii'm not wa2tiing my fuckiing money and not playiing iit. kiinda need another player though.  
TA: you wiilliing two giive iit a 2hot de2piite shiit reviiew2?  
GC: SUR3 WHY NOT  
GC: G4M3 G1RL 1S FULL OF CR4P 4NYW4Y  
GC: W3 C4N JUST H4V3 FUN BR34K1NG 1T 4ND FUCK1NG 34CH OTH3R OV3R 1F 1TS NO GOOD  
GC: OR M4YB3 1TLL SOM3HOW 4CTU4LLY B3 FUN ON 1TS OWN  
TA: iit giive2 me a bad feeliing actually.  
TA: but meh. iif iit'2 gonna go two 2hiit, miight a2 well play iit wiith 2omeone ii can tru2t know2 what 2he2 doiing at lea2t.  
GC: TH4TS TH3 SP1R1T :]  
TA: oh 2hiit.  
GC: WH4T :?  
TA: 2poke two 2oon. KK found out. ii thiink he want2 iin on iit. that ok?  
GC: ONLY 1F YOU PROM1S3 H3 1SNT MY S3RV3R PL4Y3R >:[ 1 DONT TRUST TH4T P13C3 OF SH1T H3 C4LLS 4 COMPUT3R  
GC: H3 PROB4BLY US3S D14L UP TOO  
TA: he 2teal2 a connectiion from hii2 neiighbor2 actually. 2tiill 2hiitty though.  
TA: maybe we 2hould just buiild up a huge team. apparently the diiffiiculty goe2 up, the more player2 you have. fuck ea2y mode, let'2 at lea2t make thii2 iintere2tiing.  
GC: 1 C4N 4SK 4ROUND :]  
TA: yeah me two, ii'm not fuckiing u2ele22, TZ.  
GC: WH4T3V3R GRUMPY P4NTS YOU KN3W WH4T 1 M34NT  
GC: N3P3T4 W1LL B3 1N FOR SUR3 1F H3R STUP1D FR13ND OK4YS 1T  
GC: 4ND 1 B3T 4R4D14 WOULD PL4Y 1F YOU 4SK3D H3R  
GC: 1F TH3 G4M3S D3SCR1PT1ON 1S 4CCUR4T3, M4YB3 YOU C4N F1N4LLY M33T H3R 1N P3RSON  
GC: >:]  
GC: > :]  
GC: >:]  
GC: > :]  
TA: hey, you know what, how about ii pull the 2ame fuckiing card on you?  
TA: lookiing forward two 2eeiing KK face-two-face, TZ?  
GC: WHY NOT  
GC: 1M LOOK1NG FORW4RD TO "S331NG" J4CK4SS3S L1K3 YOU 4LR34DY 4R3NT 1 >:]  
TA: yeah ii gue22 that'2 true.  
TA: haven't gotten two meet many of you iirl yet.  
TA: my bro actually flew iintwo your local aiirport for a few hour2 ye2terday. ii'd 2ay iit'2 a 2hame ii hadn't bugged hiim iintwo lettiing me come along, but ii'm faiirly 2ure he met hii2 2weetheart duriing the layover 2o no way iin hell wa2 he lettiing me joiin hiim ju2t two meet an onliine friiend.  
GC: H4H4 MY S1S WOULDNT H4V3 T4K3N M3 4NYW4Y  
GC: SH3 W4S TOO BUSY M33T1NG SOM3 DUD3 4T TH3 41RPORT H3RS3LF  
TA: ...  
GC: 8O  
TA: oh my god.  
GC: OH MY GOD!!!  
TA: no fuckiing way.  
GC: TH1S R3QU1R3S  
GC: SOM3 PROF3SS1ON4L SL3UTH1NG FROM D3T3CT1V3 PYROP3!!!  
TA: ii thought you wanted two be a lawyer liike your 2ii2ter, not a detectiive.  
GC: 1 C4N B3 BOTH  
TA: only on tv, dumba22.  
GC: 1LL B3 TH3 F1RST BL1ND D3T3CT1VE PROS3CUTOR JUST YOU W4TCH  
GC: ST4RT1NG W1TH TH3 C4S3 OF  
GC: WHY TH3 FUCK D1DNT MY S1S T3LL M3 SH3S D4T1NG MY FR13NDS BRO  
TA: maybe becau2e iit2 none of your damn bu2iine22 and 2he knew youd overreact and do your wanna-be law 2htiick.  
GC: OR M4YB3!!!!!  
GC: SH3 W4NT3D M3 TO SL3UTH 1T OUT ON MY OWN :O  
GC: G2G SOLLUX  
GC: 1V3 GOT 4 N3W C4S3 TO SN1FF OUT  
TA: yeah whatever. ju2t keep me updated on when you wanna play thii2 2tupiid game.

\-- gallowsCallibrator [GC] ceased pestering twinArmageddeons [TA] at 17:06 --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, that's the first time I've written like half of these characters. (And I formatted the quirks manually so I really hope I didn't screw up anywhere. Eep.) I originally wanted to include nods to everyone's race and stuff, but that's actually kind of not a common topic to come up in casual conversation, oops. Instead I went ahead and wrote up [profiles of the trolls-now-humans and posted it to Tumblr](http://turntechgodoka.tumblr.com/post/89162764288/since-the-humans-have-at-last-made-their) to make up for it, for those curious about such details.


	13. Act 2.1

Rose said the aliens were called "humans" and their version of the game went by "Sburb." She'd already compiled a small list of information on the new species just by giving their timeline a quick skim, but John didn't find any of it particularly interesting. Wow, names, that would totally help them survive Sgrub.

He wasn't exactly getting better results with his attempts at sleuthing through Trollian, but whatever! It wasn't his fault the viewport changed to a steady stream of static before he could find whatever caused the glitch. Besides, he wanted to learn more about the ectobiologist anyway, so his time was only half-wasted. As friendleader, though, he decided to set aside his curiosity about the brown alien and concentrate on new ways to obtain the information they needed when observation alone wouldn't cut it.

He figured the human could tell him the most later on, so he selected a moment near the very end of the human timeline. (It made him vaguely unsettled that the timeline just _ended_ ; time didn't _end_ , did it?) The viewport was still a mess of static, but he wrote out a message in hopes that text at least could still transfer through the glitch.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

GT: hi!  
GT: umm this may sound weird, but it turns out i sorta created your universe!  
GT: it's a long story, but the point is we're in danger from something that came from your session and i may need your help!  
EB: JESUS FUCK, EGBERT, DID YOU SERIOUSLY CONTACT ME AT THE END OF MY TIMELINE TO TELL ME *THAT*?  
GT: whoa, whoa, wait, how do you know my name??  
EB: WOW. I KNOW YOU SAID THIS CONVERSATION WOULD BE EMBARRASSING, BUT CHRIST ON A CRACKER.  
GT: i said what now?  
EB: EGBERT. WE ARE ABOUT TO FUCK THIS SESSION UP. I HAVE BARELY TWO MINUTES TO TALK. AND THAT'S NOT FACTORING IN THAT I'M IN DANGER OF BEING THE CLOWN'S NEWEST MURDER VICTIM IF I'M NOT CAREFUL.  
EB: MAYBE NOW IS NOT THE POINT IN MY TIMELINE THAT YOU WANT TO CONTACT ME FOR HELP.  
GT: oh.  
GT: i guess you're busy then.  
EB: NO SHIT.  
GT: but i kind of need to know what the hell's going on in your session!  
GT: whatever this static-y stuff is, it came through our door and sort of tried to kill us and made our friend go batshit!  
GT: i mean it's more complicated than that but  
EB: JOHN? SHUT YOUR DAMN TRAP.  
EB: OR STOP TYPING WITH YOUR WEIRDASS ALIEN APPENDAGES WHAT THE FUCK EVER!  
EB: I AM WELL AWARE YOU FUCKWADS PAINTED THE FLOOR IN A THICK LAYER OF SHIT AND DID SO WITH SUCH PATHETIC FORESIGHT THAT NOW YOU'RE BACKED INTO A CORNER, WITH YOUR ONLY OPTIONS TO WALLOW IN YOUR MISTAKES OR TRAIPSE THROUGH A PATH OF FECES OF YOUR OWN MAKING.  
EB: BUT I AM STILL FUCKING BUSY.  
EB: SO JUST DO YOUR STUPIDASS BACKWARDS TROLLING AND WHINE TO A PAST ME INSTEAD.  
GT: what? dude, why would i do that? that's so counter-productive.  
EB: DID I CLAIM TO UNDERSTAND THE WORKINGS OF YOUR ALIEN LOGIC OR LACK THEREOF?  
EB: IT'S ALREADY HAPPENED SO IT'S FUCKING INEVITABLE, END OF STORY.  
EB: GO EMBARRASS US BOTH AND GET IT OVER WITH.  
GT: jeez, maybe if that's what it takes to figure out what the hell's going on with this game!  
EB: YEAH WE GET ON THAT EVENTUALLY, DON'T WORRY.  
EB: ACTUALLY, IF WE'RE TALKING SPOILERS, MIGHT WANT TO BRACE YOURSELF FOR BREAKING RED TEXT ASSHOLE'S FACE.  
GT: uhhhh  
GT: well, first off if you're talking about who i think you are his name is dave  
EB: STILL DON'T FUCKING CARE  
GT: and second, sorry man but he is sort of my best bro, so  
GT: i don't really plan on doing that!  
EB: WELL SUCKS TO BE YOU.  
GT: man... this is not at all how i thought this conversation would go.  
EB: ACTUALLY THIS IS NOT AS MIND-NUMBINGLY WRETCHED AS I FEARED. BUT THEN AGAIN I WAS PREPARING FOR A CONVERSATION LESS PLEASANT THAN RIPPING OFF MY OWN TOENAILS.  
GT: pffff  
GT: dude, don't say shit like that, you already seem pitiful enough without silly exaggerations.  
EB: HEY, FUCK YOU. I DON'T NEED YOUR DAMN  
EB: ...  
EB: HANG ON A FUCKING MINUTE ISN'T PITY ONE OF YOUR ALIEN ROMANCES?  
GT: uh  
GT: no  
GT: sort of  
GT: but that's not what it sounds like!  
EB: OH MY GOD, IT IS, I REMEMBER THINKING ROMANCE BASED ON PITY SOUNDS LIKE UTTER BULLSHIT.  
EB: HOLY FUCK, THIS EXPLAINS TOO MUCH. YOU'RE A LOVESICK DWEEB.  
GT: well wait a damn sec!!!  
GT: i mean yes you are pitiable from a TOTALLY OBJECTIVE standpoint and you seem like a pretty funny guy so far, but you are probably reading way too much into this!  
GT: we should get to know each other first before we talk about weird stuff like that!  
EB: I DO KNOW YOU, MORON. YOU'RE AN OKAY SHITWAD AS FAR AS ANNOYING ALIENS GO.  
EB: FUCK I NEED TO THINK ABOUT THIS BUT GUESS WHAT?  
EB: I STILL DON'T HAVE FUCKING TIME FOR THIS CONVERSATION, LET ALONE YOUR ALIEN SOLICITATIONS!!  
EB: SO PROVIDED WE DON'T EXPLODE OR SOMETHING...  
EB: I'LL SEE YOU IN A FEW.  
GT: what??

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

Well, it could have gone worse, even if all he'd learned was that the alien was very... spirited and swore on par with Dave. At least it was impossible to contact the ectobiologist any later on his timeline; that would have been pretty awkward, if they had to work together with quadrant misunderstandings hanging over their heads.

Maybe he was approaching things from the wrong direction. Starting from the end was clearly not the way to go, but hopping around the timeline at random sounded stupid. Was the ectobiologist really the person he should have been concentrating on, even? The leader of the session probably knew the most, but...

John was about to turn to Rose for advice when a new alert sounded on his computer. He held his breath in fear it was another threatening message from Daveglitch, but the text on his screen was gray.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

EB: JOHN?  
EB: JOHN, WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?  
EB: DON'T YOU DARE IGNORE ME.  
GT: uhh, hi?  
EB: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT?  
GT: what was what about?  
GT: how do you still know my name?  
EB: GOD DAMMIT  
EB: I GOT THE MORON AGAIN.  
GT: hey, ow.  
EB: OH, SLAP A FUCKING BANDAID ON IT AND CRY TO MOMMY.  
EB: IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN PESTER THE FUTURE YOU OR SOMETHING?  
GT: umm, if there is, i don't know it!  
GT: wait, you were talking to future me?  
EB: NO SHIT.  
GT: soooo... we're buddies? :D  
EB: ERRRAAAAGH.  
EB: YES.  
EB: WE ARE  
EB: FUCKING "BUDDIES."  
EB: BUT YOU'RE NOT HIM AND THIS CONVERSATION IS ASININE.  
GT: haha, yeah i guess  
GT: so, uh, what's up with future me exactly?  
EB: HE'S IN DANGER OR SOMETHING, YOU COCKSUCKING IDIOT.  
EB: DO ME A FAVOR AND DON'T BE SO FUCKING VAGUE WHEN YOU TROLL ME IN THE FUTURE.  
EB: BUT TOO FUCKING LATE FOR THAT I GUESS.  
GT: well, i can still try if that helps!  
EB: NO YOU CAN'T YOU ALREADY FAILED.  
EB: DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT TIMELINES AND INEVITABILITY? HOW MUCH DOES YOUR TIME PLAYER SUCK TO KEEP YOU IN THE DARK ON THESE THINGS?  
EB: A LOT, JOHN. YOUR TIME PLAYER SUCKS SO DAMN HARD. HE SUCKS ALL THE DICKS AND THEN MOVED ON TO SUCKING ALL THE BALLS.  
GT: dicks and balls?  
GT: not that i know much about your human pastimes either, but our time player is kind of shit at sports...  
EB: OH MY GOD CAN YOU STOP BEING SUCH AN IDIOT FOR TWO GODDAMN SECONDS?  
EB: YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME FEEL ANY KIND OF FUCKING CONFIDENCE THAT YOU'RE CAPABLE OF CROSSING THE STREET WITHOUT SOMEONE TO HOLD YOUR HAND, LET ALONE THAT YOU HAVE ANY CHANCE OF SURVIVING WHATEVER BULLSHIT YOU WADDLED INTO.  
GT: aw, you're that worried about me?  
EB: SHUT UP.  
EB: THIS GAME IS STRESSFUL. STOP READING INTO THINGS.  
GT: oh  
GT: not even a little worried? :(  
EB: DON'T YOU DARE GUILT ME WITH YOUR STUPID FROWNY FACES! OF COURSE I AM FUCKING WORRIED, YOU OVERSENSITIVE COCKBITE! YOU'RE A DUMB, GROSS ALIEN BUT WE'RE STILL FRIENDS AT THIS POINT. I THINK.  
EB: FUCKING HELL, PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISN'T GOING TO BE THE LAST I HEAR FROM YOU. THIS IS TOO STUPID FOR A FINAL IMPRESSION.  
GT: no, i talk to you later, but you weren't happy to hear from me then either.  
EB: BEAUTIFUL.  
EB: LET ME GO BOIL MY EARS IN OIL AS I JOYOUSLY ANTICIPATE THIS NO DOUBT UNFORGETTABLE FUTURE CONVERSATION.  
GT: ...i'm hoping that is more hyperbolic bullshit and not a real human alien ritual.  
EB: YOU HOPE RIGHT, BUT I MIGHT ACTUALLY HIT MY CRANIUM AGAINST THE NEAREST WALL A FEW TIMES AND SCREECH TO THE HEAVENS UNTIL LIGHTNING STRIKES ME DOWN FOR BEING TOO OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD.  
GT: you say, hyperbolically again.  
EB: LOOK, ARE YOU SURE THERE'S NO WAY FOR ME TO TALK TO FUTURE YOU? :(  
GT: not that i'm aware of... i'm pretty new to the timeline features on trollian too.  
EB: FUCK.  
EB: WHATEVER THE FUCK'S HAPPENING ON YOUR END IN THE FUTURE, JUST CONTACT ME WHEN IT'S OVER, OKAY? AND DON'T FUCKING DIE, WE DON'T NEED THE BODY COUNT ANY GODDAMN HIGHER.  
GT: body count? D:  
EB: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. ALREADY HAPPENED AND NOTHING YOU CAN DO. DON'T PRE-GUILT YOURSELF OR I'LL THROW A BUCKET OF VOMIT ON YOU IF WE EVER MEET.  
GT: eeeeeww!!!!!! dude that's VULGAR.  
EB: GOOD.  
GT: i mean, seriously, eeeeeeeeeeeeeew  
EB: SHUT UP.  
EB: GOD, THE NEXT CONVERSATION CAN'T GET WORSE THAN THIS ONE AT LEAST.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

Those were probably some worrying things to learn on the whole, but John had to chew on his lower lip to tone down his grin. Hell fucking yes, they were gonna be buddies in the future. (And also there was bad shit going down, but how was that any different from the present? He'd deal with that when they came to it.)

Maybe he didn't need Rose's advice yet after all, if he managed to befriend the ectobiologist by his own methods. He didn't understand inevitability and timelines like Dave did, but if they were friends on the human timeline, that probably meant it was definitely going to happen in his future too.

He scooted the timeline marker back a little further. The viewport was still static-y, but he maintained it seemed smartest to try making contact as far into the game as possible, if he wanted the best information.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

GT: hi!  
EB: WHAT NOW?  
GT: umm, i was just thinking, since we're buddies and all, maybe you could tell me your name?  
EB: OH MY FUCKING GOD.  
EB: YOU CAN'T REMEMBER? WE WENT THROUGH ALL THAT AND YOU CAN'T BE ASSED TO EVEN REMEMBER MY NAME?  
GT: dude, how the hell am i supposed to remember something you never told me?  
EB: I  
EB: FUCK.  
EB: HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU TALKED TO ME?  
GT: this is the third!  
EB: I KNEW IT.  
EB: THIS IS IT. THIS IS HOW YOU LEARN IT. YOU FUCKING CHEAT.  
EB: I'D TELL YOU TO SUCK IT SO YOU DON'T STARTLE THE SHIT OUT OF ME EARLIER, BUT THEN I'M PROBABLY JUST CREATING A DOOMED TIMELINE ANYWAY, SO WHAT THE HELL.  
EB: IT'S KARKAT VANTAS.  
GT: what's that?  
EB: MY NAME, DOUCHEWIPE.  
GT: really? that's a dumb name  
EB: YOU'RE DUMB.  
GT: no, i'm john!  
EB: I FUCKING KNOW, EGBERT.  
GT: still??  
GT: man, this time stuff is weird.  
EB: SERIOUSLY. WHAT KIND OF IDIOT WOULDN'T GO LINEARLY?  
GT: me.  
GT: in my defense, i THOUGHT you'd be able to tell me more stuff in the future, but mostly you dodge questions and panic.  
EB: PANIC? LIKE HELL. YOU PROBABLY JUST FOUND A WAY TO TROLL YOURSELF AND WERE TOO CONFUSED TO NOTICE YOU CHOSE THE WRONG USERNAME.  
GT: sorry, dude. you were totally panicking. soooo worried about a future me apparently. it was sweet. :)  
EB: GO FUCK YOURSELF IN THE ASS WITH ONE OF YOUR GROSS SLIMY TENTACLES.  
GT: pfffffffff  
GT: what? we don't have tentacles.  
EB: YOU DON'T?  
GT: no! who the hell told you that?  
EB: YOU FUCKING DID, YOU BALL-LICKING DOUCHEBAG.  
EB: BUT I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN NOT TO TRUST ANY OF THE RANCID VOMIT YOU CALL WORDS.  
EB: YOU'RE PROBABLY JUST SOME BORINGASS GRAY HUMANOID ALIENS.  
EB: WITH CANDY CORN HORNS, APPARENTLY. OOH, FUCKING UNIQUE. YOU DRINK A TEA AND HAVE WEIRD HORNS. YOU'RE NOT LIKE THE *OTHER ALIENS.*  
GT: uh, no.  
GT: how have i not mentioned that we are evolved from centipedes? i have like eight hundred legs and not a single tentacle. i don't know how you humans can stand typing with only ten digits.  
EB: ...PLEASE TELL ME I HAVE NOT BEEN CHATTING WITH A GIANT BUG THIS WHOLE TIME.  
GT: wow. racist.  
EB: OH, DON'T EVEN. YOU PROBABLY THINK IT'S WEIRD AS FUCK TO BE TALKING TO AN EVOLVED PRIMATE.  
GT: haha, yeah kinda.  
GT: this is fun and all, but if you haven't noticed i'm a little behind on what's going on with your session!  
GT: do you know what caused all the weird glitchy stuff?  
EB: FUCK YOU, WE'VE ALREADY GONE OVER THIS.  
EB: YOU PROBABLY WATCHED IT HAPPEN LIKE A FUCKING CREEP, GETTING OFF ON OUR VIOLENCE AND MISERY.  
GT: ew no. i don't know anything about what happened!  
EB: WELL MY STUPID JUGGALO OF A BEST FRIEND WENT OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND AND KILLED PEOPLE.  
EB: SO BASICALLY I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT AND I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT ANY MORE THAN IS NECESSARY CONSIDERING I'M LIVING IT.  
EB: ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS SHIT.  
GT: no i don't!  
EB: BY MY TIMELINE, YOU DO. SO STOP BEING LAZY AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF INSTEAD OF MAKING ME DO YOUR HOMEWORK FOR YOU.  
EB: GET YOUR ITCHY CENTIPEDE ASS OFF THE METAPHORICAL COUCH AND GET TO WORK. I DO ENOUGH GODDAMN HEAVY LIFTING AROUND HERE AS IT IS!

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

John rolled his eyes. That was mostly pointless, but at least he'd learned Karkat's name finally. And raised his prankster's gambit. Ha. Centipedes. Gross.

He supposed he could just keep slowly going backwards until he finally found a point that Karkat was willing to break down what had happened for him, but fuck that. He probably _should_ have just gone linearly from the get-go. This was turning into a mess.

He moved Trollian back on the timeline, all the way before Sburb, and didn't stop until Karkat's username returned to its old handle. He sure hoped he wouldn't have to contact him any earlier than that. It was hard to imagine this version of Karkat would even be that helpful. At least the viewport was working finally, not even a spec of static to obscure the image of the brown alien at his computer.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

GT: hello?  
CG: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?  
GT: finally!!!  
GT: i was getting worried you just always knew my name or something!  
CG: I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG USERNAME, YOU CREEP.  
CG: THAT, OR THE DUMBEST SCRIPT FOR A SPAMBOT THAT I'VE SEEN YET.  
GT: i'm not spam! i'm a troll!  
CG: YEAH, NO SHIT.  
CG: PESTERCHUM ALREADY TOLD ME THAT MUCH.  
CG: SO WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOUR TROLLING GAME'S PRETTY WEAK IF YOU THINK IT'S GOING TO SEND ME CRYING TO MY ROOM JUST BY PRETENDING AS IF WE KNOW EACH OTHER.  
GT: i'm not trolling you!  
GT: if i was pranking you, oh man, no WAY would you know it!  
GT: i am the pranking MASTER  
CG: YOU'RE AN ANNOYING DOUCHE AND I'M GOING TO BLOCK YOU IF YOU DON'T REACH SOME KIND OF POINT SOON.  
GT: yeah okay whatever! you're going to be playing a really important game soon and i need you to pay attention in it, because it kind of put me and my friends in danger.  
GT: so in the future when i talk to you, it'd be really cool if you could just pass on what went wrong so we have a chance at fixing it and maybe living to adulthood after all!  
CG: ............WHAT.  
GT: also! you shouldn't trust that juggalo guy.  
CG: OH MY GOD YOU DID NOT JUST INSULT MY BEST FRIEND.  
GT: he goes on a murderhappy rampage though! you said so!  
CG: YOU HAVE MOVED OFF THE "WORST TROLL EVER" LIST AND ON TO THE "MOST DELUSIONAL AND RUDEASS DUMBFUCK" LIST.  
CG: CONGRATULATIONS.  
CG: I HOPE YOU HAVE A SPEECH PREPARED. BE SURE TO THANK YOUR PARENTS FOR DOING SUCH A SHIT JOB OF RAISING YOU.  
GT: what's a parent?  
CG: ARE YOU EVEN FUCKING TRYING?  
CG: WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT TROLLING ACT IS THIS? PRETENDING TO BE DUMBER THAN A BOX OF JOCKS?  
GT: it's not my fault i don't know your weird alien words!

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is no longer connected! --

GT: uhh.  
GT: hey, you okay?

Judging by the way Karkat facepalmed and smacked at his monitor, it seemed safe to assume that the conversation had not been cut short on purpose. Karkat finally reached over and held the power button on his primitive alien computer until it restarted.

John waited for the desktop to finish loading and Karkat to log into his bright yellow chat client before he picked the conversation back up.

GT: man human technology sure seems crappy.  
GT: are you sure it can play sgrub?  
GT: i hope that's not why the glitch stuff happens...  
CG: COULD YOU NOT? I HAVE ENOUGH SHIT TO DEAL WITH, WHAT WITH THIS ANCIENT PIECE OF GARBAGE THAT WAS OUTDATED FROM THE DAY IT WAS MANUFACTURED.  
GT: okay, well, that's probably as helpful as this conversation was going to be anyway.  
GT: good luck with the game though!  
CG: OH MY GOD JUST FUCK OFF.  
GT: >:P

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

Man, these conversations would have been great if John was looking to just shoot the shit with a funny (and maybe also cute and pitiable but that wasn't the fucking point) new alien buddy. As it was, there was kind of still the looming presence of potential death to worry about. He could have funny conversations with Karkat later! He hoped anyway. Oh hell yeah, that'd be so cool if they both survived and could be post-Sgrub penpals.

He shook his head to break out of his daydreams. The matter at hand first, daydreaming about alien friends later! With more than a little excitement, he moved the timeline cursor once more for another conversation with Karkat.

Hell yeah, going linear.

Karkat's hive had been transported into the Medium already, but from the looks of things he hadn't figured out much about the alchemiter yet and the only enemies around were a few barely-prototyped imps. John sent a message as soon as Karkat was near his computer.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

GT: hi karkat!  
EB: AAAUGH. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.  
GT: this is your worst greeting yet.  
EB: WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU MY NAME?  
EB: MORE IMPORTANTLY  
EB: HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND MY NEW CHUMHANDLE, YOU CUM LICKING ASSHOLES?  
GT: rude!

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] blocked ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

GT: so rude.  
EB: GODDAMMIT, WHAT.  
EB: HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS.  
GT: well you see, troll technology is totally superior to your alien hardware. i'm not even bragging, that's just the facts.  
GT: okay i'm bragging a little but it's not like i invented any of it.  
GT: still, troll stuff is waaay better than human stuff.  
EB: ...THIS ISN'T EVEN AN ACT IS IT?  
EB: YOU'RE SERIOUSLY A BRAIN DEAD ALIEN.  
GT: yeah pretty much.  
EB: WHAT DO YOU WANT? ARE YOU PLANNING AN ABDUCTION? HAVE I ALREADY BEEN ABDUCTED AND THAT'S WHAT SBURB IS? SHOULD I WARN MY FRIENDS BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE AND YOU'VE STUCK YOUR HIGHLY ADVANCED ALIEN RODS UP MY ASSHOLE FOR ALL YOUR PROBING NEEDS?  
GT: okay gross. you are always so gross, karkat. it's pretty funny but also ew. i'm glad i haven't been eating for any of these conversations.  
GT: i have no intention of abducting you and making you uncomfortable with rods up your butt. i need your help and you probably also need mine considering the game you're playing.  
EB: YOU NEED *MY* HELP?  
GT: yeeeep. see, my friends and i played sburb too, and we beat it and made a cool new universe like you're probably gonna! but then something fucks up in your session that somehow made it over to our session and now we're hounded by a possessed, glitchy, doomed timeline best bro.  
EB: ......  
EB: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOAD OF HORSESHIT.  
GT: haha, wow it does. but it's true.  
GT: you don't have to believe it if you don't want, but will you help us anyway? we just need to research what goes wrong in your session. and maybe be buddies!  
EB: SO LONG AS YOU'RE NOT THREATENING TO KILL ME OR MY FRIENDS IN GROSS AND CREATIVE WAYS, DO WHAT YOU WANT.  
GT: :D  
EB: JUST DON'T GO OVERBOARD ON SPOILING THE GAME. THERE'S NO FUCKING POINT OF PLAYING IF THE CHALLENGES ARE RUINED.  
GT: okay but we used a guide and it made things way easier but still fun.  
EB: I'M NOT SURPRISED YOU NEEDED ONE. YOU SOUND LIKE IDIOTS.  
EB: SO WHAT DO I CALL YOU? YOU ALREADY KNOW MY NAME AND ALL.  
GT: i already told you!  
EB: NO YOU FUCKING DID NOT.  
GT: yes i  
GT: oh  
GT: fuck. yeah i guess i didn't.  
EB: YOU'RE IN RARE FORM TODAY.  
GT: i'm john egbert.  
GT: i've been hopping around on your timeline like a fucking idiot, so you'll hear from past me a bit in the future, but i'm planning to go as linearly as i can from now on to avoid confusion. 'cos that was stupid. so stupid.  
EB: DO THE WORDS YOU STRING TOGETHER EVER MAKE ANY SEMBLENCE OF SENSE?  
GT: bluh tl;dr: it's time bullshit. you'll understand later. hopefully, 'cos i can't explain it to you.  
EB: SOUNDS LIKE EVERYTHING RELATED TO THIS DUMBASS GAME SO FAR. I SHOULD STOP BEING SURPRISED, REALLY.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] is no longer connected! --

Human technology was _really_ bad. It was almost funny to watch Karkat slam his head against the keyboard while no doubt screaming obscenities. Try as he might to suppress it, John chuckled to himself. With all the shit going down around them, at least he could be pretty sure he'd enjoy working with these humans, if Karkat was anything to go by. What a pitiable little jerkwad.

Welp. There it was. They had more important things to worry about, but all the same, he couldn't even try to deny it anymore: that was definitely a flushcrush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Parts of these chats between John and Karkat are some of the first bits of C&V I ever wrote. Forty thousand unexpected words later, I finally finish them.


	14. Act 2.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the longer wait between chapters than usual. I had a future plot point that was completely up in the air and I needed to take a break to pin it down so that I hopefully won't botch the foreshadowing. This is the first _long_ serial story I've ever written so I'm still learning the ropes on how to make sure I keep everything consistent! (Translation: Maaaaan, I hope I don't need to retcon anything later when my original outline flies out the window in favor of a much better twist. ahaha...)

In all the times Rose had envisioned her first contact with a new species, this scenario had never even crossed her mind. Poor oversight for a Seer, she supposed, but at the time it had seemed fair to assume any aliens she discovered would be viewed from the comfort of her empire's best fleet.

She wouldn't be negotiating peace treaties as previously assumed, or even conquering them like her ancestor was probably doing with other planets that very moment. She wouldn't even be contacting anyone of a social status that remotely matched hers.

The best strategy for the time being (or however much time they had left) was probably to sit back and wait, gathering intel from observing the aliens without meddling.

For a while anyway. If she couldn't find answers, and quickly, she'd have to resort to more drastic measures. Still, it didn't hurt to prepare for any future confrontations by learning the basics through her own sleuthing skills.

Rose ran down the list of twelve Sgrub players, clicking each and examining them on the viewport in an attempt to gauge their place in alien culture. It was infuriatingly vague, with the lack of blood colors or horns to differentiate them. At least their skin varied a little, going from a light pink to a deep brown.

She paused at the eleventh one. He was a brown alien, with a purple streak through his black hair and striped clothing. She'd finished being startled by the eccentric fashion choices of these aliens a while ago, but something else caught her eye: His hive was covered in books and posters featuring wizards. His username was CA. Something pinged in the back of her mind.

She minimized Trollian and dragged open the Sgrub walkthrough instead, scrolling to the very bottom where the guide left off. Instead of any advice on the final moments of the game, there was only a farewell message wishing luck to any players who found the guide left hiding in the abyss, followed by a magical signature of CA.

She kept her face stiff to mask her shock. These were the players who made her guide. These aliens were the "humans" that had so flummoxed her for sweeps, whose version of Sgrub was known as Sburb.

Her interest in merely observing plummeted. She waited only long enough to pass the newfound knowledge on to the other three (who had also been doing a poor job of using their keyboards thus far) before opening a chat window.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

TT: Are you in the business of writing video game walkthroughs, by any chance?  
CA: oh fuckin hell  
CA: wwhat do you assholes wwant this time

Her mouth twitched. Definitely not the right writing quirk for the walkthrough writer, unless he had a significant change in preference later on. Still, the username and interest in magic seemed too coincidental to not be related.

TT: We assholes are searching for a human alien who writes a pivotal guide in your near future. A guide on a game called "Sburb."  
TT: I assume the name is familiar to you this late in your timeline.  
CA: i might havve heard of it  
CA: no ones invvitin you to play wwith us if thats wwhat youre thinkin  
CA: evven tavvs not that nice  
CA: or goddamn dumb  
TT: I've already played it.  
CA: its not evven out yet howw stupid do you think i am  
TT: Your species seems quite primitive from where I'm standing, actually, but that's off-topic.  
TT: When you play this obviously unreleased game in your future, do you have intentions to record your experience?  
CA: im not goin to livvestream it or some shit my fans wwould go apeshit in all the wwrong wways  
CA: and im definitely not sharin any of my game exploits wwith the likes of you  
TT: Hm. Perhaps I was mistaken in contacting you in particular.  
TT: The person I'm looking for Speaks More Akin To This  
CA: wwhat  
CA: you talkin about kan?  
TT: You know of them?  
CA: wwhy wwould i tell you that if you dont already knoww  
CA: youre a fuckin troll  
TT: Point.  
TT: Still, I can't help but hypothesize that you aid this Kan. Your magical signature is imbued into their guide, at any rate.  
CA: wwhat the hell are you on about noww  
CA: magic is stupid bullshit evveryone knowws that  
TT: Is that why your hive is covered in magical memorabilia?  
CA: wwho the fuck told you that  
CA: wwas it sol  
CA: its a dirty fuckin lie all right i knoww magic is fake as shit  
TT: Yes, completely fake. I have absolutely never partaken in anything that might be classified as magic, up to and including summoning powers from creatures beyond the reach of space.  
TT: Obviously such feats could only be classified as advanced science.  
CA: exactly  
CA: youre startin to get it  
CA: youre almost not all that bad for a troll yet  
TT: Right.  
TT: My mistake for not contacting you after you reached the Medium, really.  
CA: see thats wwhat im talkin about  
CA: you just speww useless bullshit nothin all that upsettin  
TT: Same to you.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

These humans were maybe going to be more complicated than Rose gave them credit for. CA had clear signs of magical potential, claimed to shun it, but had to overcome his resistance before the end of the game. Did this "Kan" even intend to write the walkthrough? Or would they likewise need an outside influence?

If she could narrow down Kan through Seer powers (or traditional detective work, if need be), would it even be safe to pass on the hint that they'd be writing a walkthrough in their future? A paradox of that degree could backfire if invoked just wrong.

For that matter, what happened if she meddled in the human universe's timeline? Perhaps even gave it a push in the wrong direction? The timeline was all laid out and decided already, yet here she had the opportunity to interfere. Would the timeline shift to match any changes she made, or...

There were too many possibilities. Her Seer vision could only penetrate an entirely new universe by so much. Maybe if her echeladder were higher, but there was no point in dwelling on that. She had neither time nor opportunity to level up while stuck hiding from a glitchy monster in the veil. She would just have to conduct a few experiments and find out firsthand just what kind of chaos she could inspire in their new universe.

She scanned through Trollian, looking for a straight-forward but significant event to attempt altering. The significant portion of glitched up timeline did not aid things, but she found what she was looking for when she selected the apocalypseArisen username not far into the game. The viewport only opened on a smoking crater.

No need to wonder what went wrong there or invoke her Seer powers, but she scrolled back to view the exact moment all the same, just to know _when_ it happened.

Satisfied with the how and when, she switched back to CA's chat window, giving his timeline ample space for what she intended. He wasn't the most pleasant person to contact, but at least he already knew her and wouldn't need as much of an introduction.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

TT: We don't have time for pleasantries.  
TT: Your co-player is in danger.  
CA: fuck not you again  
CA: i dont havve time to wwaste wwith trolls  
TT: Too bad. Something goes wrong with your Time Hero's server player and she won't enter the Medium in time if no one interferes.  
TT: She will be dead, without chance of revival.  
TT: Now do I have your attention or do I need to present the situation to a more competent member of your party?  
CA: i am plenty fuckin competent  
CA: just cos im not wwillin to drop evverythin for some wweirdass online stalker doesnt mean im not plenty competent  
TT: Excellent. If you know how to reach her server player's planet, I suggest you make haste.  
CA: did you miss the part wwhere i said im not followwing your orders blindly  
TT: Did you miss the part where your friend will DIE?  
TT: Her blood will be on your hands and your friends will all know it. Your kind don't seem keen on violence and death, so I imagine it won't go over well if they hear you didn't try to save her.  
CA: jesus obvviously i wwasnt goin to let her die  
CA: but this better not be a joke

He made his way through his land, blasting any imps that stepped in his path mercilessly with his riflekind, whether they made to attack him or not. Just before he could reach the gate, however, a bright red light flashed in his path. After watching Dave at work long enough, Rose would know the signs of time travel anywhere.

The human girl AA -- the one who was slated for death minutes in their future -- emerged from the light, smiling brightly. She wore the dark red clothes and gear symbol of a God Tier; only the Maid's particular style was an unfamiliar sight, contrasted with Dave's knight ensemble.

What Rose wouldn't give for Trollian's viewport to include audio as the humans confronted each other. They spoke calmly for a time, then CA tried to pass AA, only for AA to draw a whip from her specibus and crack it with such precision that it flew dangerously close without touching him. She smiled the whole time.

CA finally backed down, scowling deeper than usual as he abandoned the gate.

Rose made to contact him again to request a status update, but a new message interrupted her. A copy of apocalypseArisen's account had appeared on Trollian, sitting beneath the soon-to-be-dead AA's username.

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

AA: you really should stop interfering  
AA: it makes things very difficult for us  
TT: How did you contact me right now? Your chat client shouldn't be able to pinpoint my timeline.  
AA: it just comes naturally to a maid of time  
AA: did you heed my warning or do i need to repeat it?  
TT: Heed? Certainly not.  
TT: I apologize if this inconveniences you, but I have my own agenda.  
TT: And while I prioritize your well beings far beneath our own, I was actually aiming to aid you.  
AA: yes it was rather nice of you to try to save me but i am afraid i cant let you do that  
TT: Oh? And why not?  
AA: for one it leads to a doomed timeline  
AA: more importantly  
AA: it results in the death of all my friends when the glitch breaks loose  
AA: time travel can be fickle like that  
AA: i suggest you leave it to the experts :D  
TT: I'm a Seer.  
AA: not of time clearly  
TT: Hm.  
TT: So you came back in time to stop me and save your friends?  
TT: You realize you've just killed yourself?  
AA: it was either this or scratch the whole session  
AA: and that sounded like overkill  
TT: Scratch?  
AA: oh it is irrelevant now that the time players planet is never materializing  
AA: and even if it was  
AA: i would not let you use it  
AA: i rather like existing as i am  
TT: I have bad news for you, considering you're a doomed iteration...  
AA: i am aware of my impending death  
AA: i just dont intend to let it catch up to me :)  
AA: on a related note  
AA: i had better run

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

AA disappeared in a flash of red, the same as when Dave time traveled. In the meteor, the overhead screen flashed and Rose's gaze snapped up.

The screen should have been on a view of the session as Daveglitch moved from planet to planet, killing any consorts he found (presumably in search of them). Instead it only showed a simple black background with white numbers, counting down from 13:40:00.

The other three also looked away from their computers to stare at the new countdown.

"What's that mean?" John asked, cautiously glancing at Rose.

Rose frowned. "I don't know. But I suggest we try to beat whatever it's counting down to."


	15. Act 2.3

Jade had never been shy in her life. Well, it was hard to gauge how shy she was in real life, since she'd lived so far from civilization, but she liked to hope she was plenty friendly, and she'd never been afraid to hop into an online discussion, whether it was with friends or total strangers. It shouldn't have been that different with a bunch of aliens. Except... what the heck was the appropriate way to introduce herself to the citizens of a universe she'd created?

She scrolled through the human timelines, watching them grow from tiny squishy things to more recognizable creatures. How did she even decide which one to greet first? When in their timeline would be best? She wasn't used to acting without planned out strategies and hints from Skaia.

She finally settled on one of the lighter skinned humans, the one with a short mohawk. He didn't look intimidating, but he was in a four wheel device and had survived at least six sweeps without getting culled, so he must have been quite a clever or sneaky alien. She contacted him a few days before he'd be entering the Medium.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT] \--

GG: hi! :)  
GG: i have a few questions for you if you dont mind!  
AT: uHHH,,,  
AT: aRE YOU ONE OF THOSE TROLLS?  
GG: yes i am!  
AT: kARKAT WARNED ME, tO BLOCK YOU GUYS,  
GG: who is karkat?  
AT: tHAT'S CARCINOgENETICIST  
AT: i MEAN ECTObIOLOGIST  
AT: i MEAN,,,  
AT: sHOOT,  
AT: dON'T TELL HIM i TOLD YOU THAT,  
AT: hE CHANGED HIS HANDLE TO AVOID YOU,  
GG: why??  
AT: bECAUSE, hE SAID, yOU WERE, uHH, dISTURBING,,,  
GG: :O we are not!!  
AT: sORRY,,,

\-- adiosToreador [AT] blocked gardenGnostic [GG] \--

Well, he wasn't intimidating at least, but she hadn't expected that kind of reaction. She could have overridden the block and kept trolling him, but what good would it do to question someone so determined to avoid her?

Her mouse hovered over ectoBiologist. He seemed to be their leader, so maybe it was best to clear things up with him? But if he'd already decided they were "disturbing," it might just make things worse. She chewed her lip as she debated. After a few minutes, she decided it was probably best to speak to more of an underling and hope they could let this Karkat know that they weren't so bad as whatever he was imagining.

She selected another username at random and the viewport opened on a small female human wearing a hat with pointed ears. She was dark haired and had light brown skin. (How did humans come in so many colors?) She was pretty cute for an alien, even Jade had to admit, and hopefully she would be more friendly.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] \--

GG: hello!  
AC: :33 < *ac lets out a warning hiss at the new intruder*  
GG: ?  
GG: you mean me?  
AC: :33 < *ac carefully circles the nasty troll, her eyes trained on their tasty looking shins*  
GG: o_o you want to eat me??  
AC: :33 < *ac waits for purrcisely the right moment then pawnces on the unsuspecting troll gnawing their leg off so they cant escape*  
GG: gg dodges!!  
AC: :33 < *but its too late*  
AC: :33 < *ac goes for the throat and ends the poor trolls suffuring*  
GG: why are you doing this?! D:  
AC: :33 < *is what the troll would say if they werent busy being delicious catfood*

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] blocked gardenGnostic [GG] \--

Jade stared at the screen, her eyes wide and her mouth agape. What had she ever done to deserve that kind of greeting? That was just plain mean. She'd expected the humans to be friendly and harmless -- they certainly looked fragile -- but they were just as bad as some of the jerks she used to run into on Alternia message boards.

She glanced at the other three, watching their expressions for any sign of agitation as they exchanged messages with the humans. Dave's face was neutral as ever, Rose looked focused but not in distress, and John seemed downright cheerful. Either they weren't having problems or they were a lot better at shrugging them off. Well, if they could handle whatever these humans threw at them, so could she!

She chose another human, this one decked out in bright clothing and with yellow-ish white hair. She was a little too tan to be pink, but it was hard to call her brown either. Jade knew humans couldn't have a bloodcaste system, since they all shared the same strange color, but the royal sea dweller pink text still made her nervous and overly polite just to be safe, especially after the last few conversations.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] \--

GG: salutations! :D i hope you are well and do not mind my intrusion!  
CC: Are you really a troll?  
GG: umm  
GG: if i say yes are you going to be mad?  
CC: Y---ES.  
CC: If you bot)(er any of my friends again I will out you on every social media site anyone's ever touc)(ed!  
CC: I may not be a computer wiz, but my fans are! And as soon as t)(ey get me your ISP, I will )(unt you down and gut you MYS-ELF.  
GG: D: WHY??

\-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] blocked gardenGnostic [GG] \--

How were these getting progressively worse? She was really trying not to lose her patience, but these humans were pretty damn awful and she had no idea how the other three were putting up with them.

She took a deep breath. No, no, no, she could do this, she wasn't going to let some silly nerves scare her from contacting another one. No matter how nasty the aliens were, they couldn't hurt her -- well, besides sending an evil glitch out to murder them, but she sure hoped that was a big misunderstanding.

She went further back in the timeline, hoping it would make a difference, before selecting another username.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] \--

GG: hello? :x

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] blocked gardenGnostic [GG] \--

Jade shoved her keyboard away. "This is stupid!" She flopped back in her seat and crossed her arms, glaring daggers at the monitor. "All they've done is shout at me, threaten me, and block me!"

Rose glanced away from her screen, her hands pausing mid-keystroke. "I've had better luck than that, but I did notice that my initial contact received lukewarm responses at best."

John also pulled away from his keyboard, his eyes wide in surprise. "That's weird! Karkat and I get along fine! Dave, what about you?" He rose from his seat. "Dave? Daaaave?" He finally gave Dave a light shove as he passed on his way over to Jade's station.

Dave glanced up, pulling out an earbud. "Hunh?"

John rolled his eyes. "Never mind." He leaned over Jade's shoulder and caught her mouse, dragging it over to Trollian and clicking on the gray ectoBiologist username. "Jade, you should try talking to Karkat. He's really fun!"

Jade tried not to show her hesitation. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah! Here, this looks like a good spot on the timeline." He stopped the viewport not too far after the male human entered the Medium. "I've talked to him further along, but I haven't had a chance to help him near the start, so that can be your job!" He straightened and returned the mouse to her. "I'll just find another human to investigate. There are like a bazillion of them."

She reached for the keyboard but didn't type yet. "Okay."

He grinned and left her to it without further instruction. He must have really thought Karkat wouldn't be too bad, if he didn't even wait to make sure their initial greetings went well. She sighed and started typing.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

GG: hi!! :D  
EB: OH GOD, NOW WHAT.  
EB: ARE YOU ANOTHER ONE OF JOHN'S IMBECILE FRIENDS?  
GG: yes and no!  
GG: yes i am his friend no we are not imbeciles!  
EB: SORRY, WOULD YOU PREFER "DICK LICKING MORONS"?  
EB: HOW ABOUT "PUTRID ASSHOLES WHO SMELL LIKE THEY WERE BORN IN TOILETS"?  
GG: jeeeeeez!!!!!  
GG: look, i think we kind of started off on the wrong foot!  
GG: we contacted you at the wrong time spouting some pretty silly-sounding stuff and i am sure that did not give you the best of first impressions!  
GG: but i think we can really help each other out if we can just try being civil for a start!  
EB: WHY?  
GG: my friends and i beat the game already, so theres all sorts of things we could tell you about! and in exchange maybe we can find out what exactly you did that crashed our game??  
EB: OH, I SEE HOW IT IS. YOU THINK US LOWLY HUMANS COULDN'T *POSSIBLY* BEAT THIS GAME WITHOUT A CHEAT GUIDE.  
EB: WELL, FUCK YOU AND YOUR ARROGANT ASSES. WE'RE DOING *JUST FINE* AND WE'RE GOING TO BEAT THIS GAME FASTER THAN IT TAKES YOU TO TAKE A SHIT.  
GG: that is not what i meant at all!  
EB: A LIKELY FUCKING STORY.  
EB: OR MAYBE YOU MEANT YOU'RE PLANNING TO LEAD US RIGHT INTO A TRAP LIKE A BUNCH OF SUCKERS?  
GG: wow how does john put up with you?? >:( i am just trying to help!  
EB: YEAH, WELL, HELP ME BY SHUTTING THE FUCK UP WHEN I'M TRYING TO SAVE A FRIEND FROM GENOCIDAL METEORITES.  
GG: its an instant message! you dont have to read it immediately when you are busy!

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] is no longer connected! --

GG: real mature karkat!  
GG: well maybe i will just spam you with short messages so you will be treated to a wall of boring text when you sign back in!  
GG: how  
GG: do  
GG: you  
GG: like  
GG: that  
GG: ?

Jade sat back with a huff, crossing her arms as she watched the monitor. John was so wrong; Karkat was just as bad as the rest, maybe even worse since he just kept badmouthing her instead of blocking her.

Karkat was backhanding his computer repeatedly. His fingers pounded against the keyboard and he jiggled the mouse furiously before holding his head in his hands. Anger fading, she leaned closer and wished she could zoom in on his monitor, but after a moment even she could tell what was wrong.

His computer wasn't responding. The image of his friend's house in the Sburb window didn't move; she was pretty sure humans didn't freeze in the midst of walking, anyway. Even though there was no sound, she had a feeling she knew exactly what Karkat was shouting at the machine.

"Fucking work, fucking work, please fucking work, you stupid piece of useless shit!" He grabbed the desktop and shook it a few times until the monitor went blank. He punched the desk, his fist missing the keyboard by inches. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUUUCK!"

Torso shaking, he pressed the button at the front of the computer tower, his gaze never leaving the monitor. It took a moment, but a logo flickered on as the computer rebooted. It took an excruciating amount of time just to load past that initial startup screen.

As they waited, Jade typed a new message.

GG: sorry i just realized what happened :( don't read the messages above this one ok?

It was taking more time for the computer to boot up than Jade had patience for, so she reached for the timeline on Trollian and winced as she watched the event in fast forward: the further it went, the more panicked Karkat grew. He was actually in tears by the time the desktop icons finished loading. It still took a few more minutes before the machine was ready to open Sburb. Jade stopped fast forwarding.

Sburb was black.

EB: HEY...  
EB: YOU GUYS CAN SEE ALL TWELVE OF US, RIGHT?  
EB: DID ARADIA MAKE IT IN?  
EB: SBURB IS BLANK BECAUSE SHE'S IN THE MEDIUM... RIGHT?  
EB: HAHAHA, OF COURSE SHE IS. I'M JUST BEING A PARANOID TOOL AGAIN. SHE CAN HANDLE HERSELF BETTER WITHOUT MY STUPID ASS GETTING IN HER WAY.  
EB: I MEAN SHE'S ONLY OFFLINE BECAUSE SHE'S BUSY KICKING MONSTER ASS.  
EB: SHE'S FINE  
EB: SHE'S JUST PLAYING A JOKE  
EB: SHE'S  
EB: OH GOD  
EB: OH FUCK  
EB: LOOK, WILL YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT PLANET SHE'S ON ALREADY??  
GG: :(

For a short moment, it looked almost as if Jade's computer had frozen, for as little as anything moved in the viewport. Karkat covered his face and tears trickled through his fingers. He hunched over, his shoulders shaking from sobs.

GG: i am so sorry  
GG: but if someone can maybe reach her and give her a kiss, her dream self will take over! dont give up yet!  
EB: SHE WAS HIT BY A METEOR.  
EB: WHERE THE FUCK ON HER CHARRED AND CRUSHED BODY IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO KISS HER EXACTLY?  
GG: :(  
EB: SHIT...  
EB: WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO TELL THE OTHERS?  
EB: SHE TRUSTED ME AND I  
EB: THIS IS ALL MY FAULT  
GG: nooooo it is not your fault!  
GG: dont cry.....  
EB: I'M NOT FUCKING CRYING!  
EB: I'M NOT SOME DAMN TODDLER THAT BREAKS INTO TEARS JUST BECAUSE IT WET ITSELF.  
GG: :\  
GG: you remember we can see you right?  
EB: JSUTJ LEAJVE ME ALKONE'/

He slammed his fist against the enter button, his face turned away from his haphazard typing. He raised his middle finger, brandishing it upwards, before pulling his legs up and burying his face in his knees.

GG: shoosh!  
GG: shoosh shoosh shoosh  
GG: shooooooosh  
GG: it is going to be ok  
GG: i am sure she would understand :(  
GG: it is ok to be sad!  
GG: just dont beat yourself up karkat  
GG: i know this is not starting well for you, but i will help you get through this game!  
GG: it will be ok!  
GG: it looks like you have not used your alchemiter to its full potential yet  
GG: when you calm down why dont we look at it together? i know a lot of combinations that can get you a better computer, preferably a few portable ones so we can talk more often!  
GG: and if you have enough material afterward we can make you some better weapons too!!  
GG: after that you should probably go fight some more imps to level up and collect extra material  
GG: that way youll be prepared for anything the game might throw at you later!  
GG: see? we have a strategy all prepared already! that is how ok everything is going to be!  
GG: ...  
GG: :(  
GG: but we can wait a bit first  
GG: i really AM sorry....

He raised his gaze to the monitor. Wiping his eyes with a sleeve every few seconds, he scrolled down the lengthy chat. His expression was hard to read, but at least he didn't seem angry for once. He stared much longer than it could have taken him to finish her messages.

GG: better?  
EB: NOT REALLY.  
EB: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL TALKING TO ME?  
GG: umm because i am worried about you i guess!  
GG: this game is really mean  
GG: i know i would have liked a better guide than my sprite if that was an option  
EB: WELL I'M NOT YOU, THANK FUCK.  
EB: ...  
GG: ...?  
EB: CAN YOU REALLY GET ME A BETTER COMPUTER?  
GG: yes!! :D  
GG: i even made computer shoes once!  
EB: WHAT.  
EB: UGH...  
EB: YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE.  
EB: IF IT WILL GET YOU OFF MY BACK, I'LL LET YOU HELP ME A LITTLE.  
EB: BUT ONLY A LITTLE. GOT IT?  
GG: :D


	16. Act 2.4

God.

Fucking.

Dammit.

Dave cranked up his music. He was chill, he didn't give shits, and he wasn't even the slightest bit thrown off by recent events. So one of his doomed timeline iterations had fucked up worse than usual. Big deal. He'd leave the worrying to the others. He was too busy keeping chill and looking for a solution.

By chatting with a bunch of useless aliens over Trollian. That would absolutely solve the problem that their lusus were dead, Sgrub was unwinnable, and they were all going to die.

He couldn't exactly claim he had any better plans and it's what John wanted. What was there to lose anyway? Other than what little time they had left before the static-y asshole found them.

Dave picked a username among the twelve without paying attention. His mouth twitched as the user's profile and viewport appeared on the screen. Naturally, he'd chosen someone who typed in a highblood's colors. Not that Dave gave a fuck; he had no reason to worry about highbloods.

There were things far more concerning than the alien's possible social status anyway. Such as the fact the asshole caked white and gray makeup all over his brown skin.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] \--

TG: what  
TG: in the name of the shitty frog you crawled out of  
TG: are you supposed to be  
TC: HoNk.  
TG: ok  
TG: that answers approximately fuckall  
TC: hOnK hOnK. :o)  
TG: i guess you assholes speak in an alien avian dialect  
TG: caw caw and stuff then  
TG: thats troll bird speak for stop talking like a dumbass  
TC: DoN't MoThErFuCkInG bE lIkE tHaT nOw, My TrOlL bRo. I wAs JuSt GeTtInG mY wIcKeD mOtHeRfUcKiNg ElAtIoN wArMeD uP. :o)  
TG: i changed my mind go back to honking  
TC: cAn'T sAy I gEt MaNy ReQuEsTs FoR tHaT oNe, MoThErFuCkEr, BuT i'Ll Be HaPpY tO oBlIgE.  
TC: HoNk HoNk.  
TG: whatever  
TG: ive got orders to follow quotas to fill places to be people to nag  
TG: so question number one  
TG: have you done anything so fucking stupid lately that it could fuck over a completely different universe  
TC: wElL tHaT sUrE iSn'T sOuNdInG lIkE a ThInG i WoUlD'vE dOnE. hOnK.  
TG: cool survey over this is pointless thanks for confirming what i already knew  
TG: you aliens probably dont even have enough cumulative iq to notice if you fucked something up on an interdimensional level anyway  
TG: so basically im wasting my time talking to idiots like you but what else is fucking new  
TC: If I mAy PaSs On A wOrD oF aDvIcE fRoM oNe BrOtHeR tO aNoThEr...  
TC: yOu MaY wAnT tO gEt YoUr MoThErFuCkInG cHiLl On SoMe. ReLaX, bRo. AiN't ThE eNd Of ThE wOrLd.  
TC: HoNk. :o)  
TG: excuse me i am always fucking chill  
TG: i radiate so much chill that cooking is a nearly impossible pastime in my presence  
TG: that foods staying cold doesnt matter how much fire you give it when im around to cancel out the heat  
TG: that is how chill i am at all times including now especially now  
TC: sOuNdS lIkE yOu'Re On EdGe To Me, MoThErFuCkEr.  
TG: the fuck i am  
TG: not that i wouldnt have every damn right to be considering my friends are fucked six ways from next perigee and theres not one goddamn thing i can do to help them  
TG: anyone else would probably panic or something in a situation like this and i cant say id blame em  
TG: but i remain chill as always  
TC: BrO, yOu'Re SoUnDiNg LiKe My MoThErFuCkInG bEsT fRiEnD wHeN hE's TrYiNg To PrEtEnD hE dOeSn'T nEeD tO cAlM hIs AsS dOwN. yOu BoTh NeEd To LeT sOmE sHiT bE.  
TC: iF tHeRe'S nOtHiNg YoU cAn Do To FiX yOuR pReDiCaMeNt, BeSt To AcCePt It. MaYbE iT's FoR tHe MoThErFuCkInG bEsT aNd YoUr MiNd JuSt HaSn'T bEeN oPeNeD eNoUgH yEt To SeE iT. :o)  
TG: that is the biggest case of bullshit ive heard since the great hoofbeast stampede of 06  
TG: fuckers left droppings all over the town it was smelly and squishy and an unnatural shade of green  
TG: no shoes were safe  
TG: but its nothing compared to the stench of the crap spewing from your mouth  
TC: WeLl It'S a MoThErFuCkInG sHaMe YoU fEeL tHaT wAy. BuT tHiNgS wIlL bE wOrKiNg ThEiR wAy OuT oF tRoUbLe If YoU lEt ThEm Do YoU tHaT sOlId.  
TC: a MiRaClE's CoMiNg YoUr WaY, bRo. I cAn MoThErFuCkInG fEeL iT.  
TG: check it time to get repetitive  
TG: hoofbeast  
TG: shit  
TC: gOtTa HaVe MoRe FaItH tHaN tHaT, bRo. AlL yOuR dIsBeLiEvInG's ThRoWiNg OfF aLl ThEsE cHaNcEs At SoMe MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLeS.  
TC: FoCuS oN tHe PoSiTiVe, My GoOd MoThErFuCkEr. CaN't Be MaKiNg AnY hApPy EnDiNgS wItH tHaT kInD oF dOwNeR aTtItUdE.  
TC: wOrLd lIkEs A gOoD nAtUrEd MoThErFuCkEr. BrO, iT's No WoNdEr YoU'rE iN sUcH a BiNd If AlL yOu'Re Up AnD pAsSiNg ArOuNd Is ThE cYnIcIsM.  
TC: HoNk. :o)  
TG: this is not our fucking fault  
TG: its yours  
TG: you fucked us over  
TG: your clueless team fucked us over  
TG: your entire goddamn universe fucked us right up the ass without lubricant  
TG: and youre trying to pass the blame to us  
TG: fuck you fuck your species and fuck your goddamn miracle hoofbeastshit

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] \--

How did the others think this was anything other than a waste of time? These aliens were worse than useless.

Dave drummed his fingers against the desk in beat to his music. Obviously he was chill. That delusional juggalo just needed to stop slurping slime (or whatever aliens did to get high) and sharing his drugged up hallucinations with strangers. Dave had better shit to do than listen to wasted morons give him irrelevant advice.

That was a lie. There was no better shit to do when his only tasks involved contacting more of these sponge-numbing idiots.

He picked another username and glanced over this one's timeline. Like hell he was going to risk talking to another high juggalo, but this alien seemed to keep himself together and favored computers over greasy paint. Maybe it'd be an improvement over the last one, but he wasn't counting on it.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] \--

TG: lemme guess youre their incompetent programmer  
TA: hii and welcome two my autore2ponder. your u2ername ii2nt famiiliiar 2o youve been automatiically rediirected two my homemade iin2ult generator. every tiime you 2end a me22age, you wiill receiive one 2hiittya22 iin2ult iin reply. iif thii2 ii2 2ome kiind of mii2take and ii actually know you, too fuckiing bad ii gue22. text me or 2ome 2hiit.  
TG: well fuck me i guess your team had to luck out somewhere and recruited someone who can actually put two lines of code together without exploding anything congratulations i hope that makes you feel better when you all inevitably die horribly later  
TA: ii gue22 you diidnt lii2ten the fiir2t tiime, fuckbraiin. that wa2nt a joke. ii have liike a thou2and iin2ult2 here, waiitiing for 2omeone dumb enough two 2et them all off.  
TG: id call you on bullshit but no one can type that fast so i guess this autoresponder of yours isnt a total fabrication  
TA: iive met 2pambot2 wiith more 2en2e than you.  
TG: the real insult here is that i dont know whether you delete these logs automatically or if you scroll through them at your leisure later  
TA: iim 2urprii2ed the 2ciienti2t2 havent 2tolen you away two experiiment on how youre 2tiill aliive wiithout a workiing braiin.  
TG: so either i should be sending you some sick burns to make you regret reading this  
TA: diid your webcam melt at the 2iight of your face la2t tiime you triied two u2e iit?  
TG: or sending you useful spoilers that could save your asses to make you regret not reading this  
TA: your mother wa2 a ham2ter and your father 2melled of elderberriie2.  
TG: that doesnt even make fucking sense  
TA: ii fart iin your general diirectiion.  
TG: who the hell taught you insults  
TA: 2peakiing of your mother, 2he told me la2t niight what a pathetiic faiilure of a chiild you are.  
TG: seriously how did you not get culled for this pathetic excuse of a program  
TA: 2he empha2iized you were e2peciially bad iin the bedroom department. you 2iick fuck.  
TG: i guess the imperial drones on your planet feel sorry for the little fuckers who hatch with a broken think pan and they saw your feeble attempts at insults and just said  
TA: ju2t a remiinder that ii wa2nt fuckiing jokiing about codiing iin a thou2and iin2ult2. ii gue22 iif youre thii2 far along, youre two fuckiing 2tubborn, not two mentiion 2tupiid a2 2hiit, two giive up now. dont worry, iill grab more iinsult2 onliine or 2omethiing iif ii 2u2pect youll actually reach my liimiit.  
TG: i wasnt fucking finished  
TA: ii hear they kiicked you off of 4chan for haviing dii2gu2tiingly bad ta2te.  
TG: you know your attempts at insults are just short of amusing in how they suck and all  
TA: the be2t part about thii2 conver2atiion ii2 tryiing two gue22 who taught a monkey how two type iin the fiir2st place. waiit, nevermiind, that iin2ult ii2 way two mean two monkey2.  
TG: but im getting kinda sick of you interrupting me when im about to go on a roll  
TA: your 2tench ii2 2o bad ii can 2mell iit over iin2tant me22age.  
TG: youre supposed to be drowning in a sea of red not a fucking ocd pattern of red yellow red yellow red  
TA: are you iilliiterate or ju2t that de2perate for human contact?  
TG: fuck you im still not done talking  
TA: diidnt ii teabag your noob a22 iin halo when ii wa2 eiight?

He wasn't that familiar with the time controls on Trollian, but it only took a few seconds of searching to find the button that looked like it would pause the human timeline. He pressed it before typing again.

TG: two can play at manipulating simple software motherfucker  
TG: here i almost felt bad for giving you guys shit  
TG: but nah thanks for reaffirming my suspicion that you dont deserve an ounce of respect let alone a shot at rebuking our allegations  
TG: and so help me  
TG: if my abilities reach that far  
TG: the exact moment you die in this timeline i will make time  
TG: slow  
TG: to  
TG: a  
TG: crawl  
TG: as you bleed out over an eternity  
TG: so i guess you better go code some software that can deal with that for you too

He unpaused Trollian and watched the message window light up in a stream of yellow responses, flying by too fast to read before they had been replaced by a new insult. The messages didn't stop even after their number matched the ones he sent; he'd probably thrown the program into an infinite loop.

The human hesitated. Dave couldn't zoom in enough to read the fucker's monitor, but if his body language was any indicator -- frantically tapping at the keyboard, jiggling the mouse, facepalming intermittently -- the infinite loop was doing way more damage on his end. The human had to resort to holding the power button and grimacing as the computer flickered off and restarted.

Dave waited through all of it. He reached for the keyboard again once the computer finished rebooting.

TG: i hope you got all that id hate to have to retype it since its too hot for copypaste to handle  
TA: what the everloviing fuck diid you do?  
TG: no wonder you guys fuck up so royally  
TG: if thats all it takes to break the best excuse for coding you have to offer  
TA: go two hell.

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TG: protip  
TG: try all you like  
TG: you cant block me  
TA: FUCK YOU.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] \--

Part of him wanted to stay and watch the fireworks as the human spewed a set of angry insults not generated by a computer. The other part of him won out and he exited the chat window. The guy was getting on his nerves and it was only appropriate to give him a turn at messaging an unresponsive user.

Fuck it. This was bullshit. IMing a handful of aliens too stupid to know their bulges from their horns wasn't going to get them anywhere. If John didn't know that, Rose should have, yet here they were delaying the inevitable like a rustblood trying to outrun a drone.

Sooner or later that drone was gonna catch up. Dave had always known that, but he guessed he couldn't blame the others for sinking into denial. Maybe they deserved that small hope, 'cos they sure as hell didn't deserve to be going through this with him.

He was done pretending though. If he couldn't fix things, he might as well have fun with it.

He chose the next username with purpose.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: so youre the leader  
TG: the big fermented cheese  
TG: the ectobiologist  
CG: ...ARE YOU THE WORLD'S SHITTIEST SPAMBOT?  
TG: nah man  
TG: im flesh and blood and a kickass set of candy corn horns  
CG: OH GOD. YOU'RE ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE TROLLS.  
TG: hey its smarter than it looks  
CG: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP BOTHERING US?  
CG: I'D BELIEVE IT IF YOU HAD A BONE TO PICK WITH ME, BUT THE OTHERS DON'T DESERVE THIS KIND OF VOMIT ON THEIR MONITORS.  
TG: they will  
CG: YOU GUYS NEVER MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE, YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?  
TG: yeah i dont care  
TG: bottom line is you fucked us over  
TG: my friends and i are just waiting for death at this point  
TG: and i dont care about me i wasnt expecting to make it to adulthood anyway  
TG: but they had a chance and you fucking took it away  
CG: HAS THE ART OF TROLLING FALLEN TO THE DREGS OF "LET'S BE AS INCOMPREHENSIBLE AND BORING AS POSSIBLE" NOW?  
CG: IS THIS TROLLING DADAISM?  
TG: not that i dont appreciate some good surrealism  
TG: but it is very fucking realism when i tell you  
TG: if i ever find a way into your universe you and i are going to be making some killer modernism  
TG: my paintbrush  
TG: and gallons of your blood  
TG: we can call it  
TG: untitled 37: red on canvas  
TG: it will be the ugliest laziest painting in the whole gallery  
TG: the critics will love it  
CG: AN ANONYMOUS TROLL THREATENING TO TRACK ME DOWN AND KILL ME. HOW FUCKING ORIGINAL. DO ANY OF YOUR TARGETS ACTUALLY BUY THAT?  
TG: i know exactly where you are  
TG: you have terrible taste in movies by the way and my best friend is the king of bad taste  
TG: hang on i think i can make out the title on one of your posters  
TG: 50 first dates? even the title is shitty  
TG: is that human adam sandler  
CG: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?  
CG: DID SOLLUX PUT YOU UP TO THIS?  
TG: no one did  
TG: im supposed to be interrograting you or some shit but whatever you did we clearly cant change it so why bother  
TG: instead im letting you know that you wont get away with it  
CG: WOW, I'M PISSING MYSELF IN TERROR.  
CG: NEXT YOU CAN SEND ANON HATE TO MY NONEXISTENT TUMBLR.  
TG: yeah i see you shivering in your ugly red tshirt  
CG: WHAT  
TG: did you know theres a hole in the left sleeve

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] \--

Minutes ahead in the human's timeline, the username carcinoGeneticist became inactive and was replaced on Trollian by ectoBiologist. Dave smirked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave, _no_.


	17. Act 2.5

Well, that kind of sucked. John had been looking forward to helping Karkat play Sgrub- err, Sburb, but Jade seemed to be getting along with him pretty well, after having such lousy luck with the other humans no less. They just had too much investigating to do for John to swoop in and double-up on the same human, even if he thought Karkat was pretty neat.

It was okay though. He'd just find a new alien buddy to work with. How hard could it be, with twelve humans to choose from?

Actually, that was maybe an overwhelming number of choices, wow, and who knew which ones had already made Jade upset? How much did it even _take_ to make Jade upset? She was so cheerful; it was hard to imagine anything could unsettle her that wasn't _really_ awful.

If she could brave through it, though, so could he. He was the friendleader and all, and that had to mean something. Even if that something was delving into unfriendly territory when he really didn't want to.

He chose a username colored in a dark blue that reminded him of the indigo caste -- he used to have a very nice if bossy indigoblood neighbor, back before Alternia was destroyed by falling meteors. He scrolled up the timeline until the human in question had just entered the Medium before initiating contact.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT] \--

CT: D--> You're another one of those lowly trolls  
GT: yes! hello, i am the friendleader of the sgrub exploration team from an alternate dimension to yours. i am working to find out what went wrong in your game!  
CT: D--> Leader  
CT: D--> Then you are the highest ranking member of your comrades  
GT: well, no, rose is the future empress of my party. but she is my pale girlfriend for whatever that is worth.  
CT: D--> You do not make the commands then  
GT: uhh, i guess technically i'm supposed to? but mostly i just let her do the ordering people around shit.  
GT: i'm really more interested in working together instead of making demands!  
CT: D--> This does not fol100w any sort of proper protocol  
CT: D--> You are the leader yet you're given orders  
GT: uh i guess?  
CT: D--> Troll  
CT: D--> I command you to e%plain the method behind your relationship with this Rose empress  
CT: D--> Particularly the chain of command she utilizes against you and your devoted submission to her  
CT: D--> In e%crutiating detail  
GT: ew, no.  
CT: D--> Yes  
GT: no!  
CT: D--> Yes  
GT: no!!!  
CT: D--> Yes  
GT: you know, you are kind of creepy! and WEIRD.  
GT: rose just bosses me around sometimes but it's only when she knows better and i'm probably being stupid, okay?  
CT: D--> She bosses the leader  
CT: D--> Oh my fudge  
CT: D--> I need a towel  
GT: uhhh.....  
GT: hey you know what i'll just leave you to that!!

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT] \--

He wasn't sure what else he should have expected, with a username like that. No wonder Jade was having trouble with finding a tolerable human to troll.

There just wasn't _time_ to be distracted by really weird humans though, especially with that creepyass clock ticking down to who knew what. He just had to shake his head and move on. No problem! He wasn't shaken by a creep asking for bizarre and unsettling details of his moirallegiance, nope.

John's mouse gravitated towards the other remaining blue username on his chumproll. It was almost the same shade as his blood. There was still a danger he'd get some weirdo on the other end, but the color felt familiar and reassuring.

He clicked it, sticking to the same spot on the timeline. If they were awful again, he'd just block them.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] \--

GT: hello!  
AG: Theeeeeeeere you are.  
AG: I was wondering when I'd hear from you again. ::::)  
AG: Feeling 8etter, John?  
GT: oh jeez, not again.  
GT: i guess i go back in time and talk to a past you and explain stuff and tell you my name?  
AG: Yep!!!!!!!! More or less anyway!  
AG: I was pretty sure you were 8Sing me, actually, especially with what the rest of you trolls are like.  
AG: 8ut I'm willing to give you the 8enefit of the dou8t now.  
AG: Considering Ampora already said he saw a cr8zy time-traveling Megido, I gueeeeeeeess it's possible you're really my time-hopping mentor.  
GT: whoa, mentor?  
GT: i said that? 'cos i do not feel qualified to be a mentoring figure just yet!  
AG: Well, you said we'd be friends at least. And that we'd be gr8 together!!!!!!!!  
GT: okay, well, i'd like being friends! and future me probably knows what he's talking about.  
AG: O8viously! I'm already pretty gr8, after all. :::;) Can only get 8etter from here!  
AG: I'm pretty curious how you plan to help me be gr8er though. You have a tough jo8 ahead of you, John!  
GT: uh, well i already beat your game once!  
GT: so i can help you with that.  
AG: Sorry to 8urst your 8u88le, 8ut I don't really need help on that front! I'm gr8, remem8er???????? Especially at games!  
GT: even if you don't need tips on where to go next and how to beat the baddies, i can tell you shortcuts and use my cool troll technology to watch your back though! that could be useful, right?  
AG: Hmmmmmmm. What's in it for you, exactly?  
GT: your game goes a little haywire later on and it's affected the instance of the medium i'm in so we're in danger and can't get out!  
GT: so i'll just be following you around to maybe find out what happened and if we can fix it! :D  
AG: Sounds like a tough 8r8k for your team, eh?  
AG: All right, I'm willing to give this a try if you can point me in the direction of level-ups. Just don't 8ackseat game too much, ok?  
GT: got it! thank you!  
GT: so what's your name?  
AG: You can call me Marquise Spinneret Mindfang!!!!!!!! >::::D  
GT: wow that's a mouthful.  
GT: are all human names that difficult? and kind of hard to spell?  
GT: karkat's was pretty easy. i liked his name.  
AG: Pffffffff, his name is LAME!  
AG: Spinneret is 8888% cooler!  
GT: is that reeeeally your name?  
GT: wait, i mean...  
GT: reeeeeeeeally?  
AG: ::::O  
AG: You used 8!!!!!!!!  
GT: heheh, i noticed your pattern and figured you'd like that.  
AG: <33333333  
AG: Okay, fine, smart guy. For that, I'll admit, Spinneret's not my real name. It is my 8adass roleplaying name, so you can call me that for now anyway!  
GT: pff, that's stupid. but fiiine.  
AG: >::::(  
GT: SIGH.  
GT: fiiiiiiiine!  
GT: that is actually very difficult to count out, did you ever notice that!  
AG: You get used to it!  
GT: i hope so! i almost sent seven instead!  
GT: i'm john by the way.  
AG: ........  
GT: wait you knew that.  
AG: Nice catch.  
GT: do you know my last name too? did future me mention that?  
AG: Nope! Just that you're John and shit goes down and that I'm gr8!  
GT: ok well then...  
GT: it's strider.  
AG: Wow. That's a really dum8 name.  
GT: it totally is. i have the dumbest name. only a super lame kid could have a name like that.  
GT: (hehehehe)  
AG: C'mon, Strider, don't talk like a loser. We're here to 8e WINNERS!!!!!!!! >::::D  
AG: Even if you come with the handicap of an unfortunate name, unlike me!  
AG: I'll overlook this once, 8ut I don't want mentored 8y a self-depreci8ing loser! Ugh, I might as well go to Karkat for THAT.  
GT: oh, no, don't worry i am pretty cool. it is just my name, that is mine, that is not cool in the slightest.  
AG: Much 8etter. ::::) Now let's get to 8eing the gr8test players S8ur8's ever seen and saving the day!  
GT: ok!  
GT: step one is to make as much awesome shit with the alchemiter as you can until you run out of grist. then we can equip it all and start really mowing down some enemies!  
AG: Piiiiiiiiece of cake!

John sat back with a sigh of relief as Spinneret got to work with the alchemizing. That wasn't so hard after all! Spinneret wasn't as funny as Karkat, but he liked her already. Much better than the creepy CT guy and whoever had given Jade so much trouble.

He glanced around the lab. Rose, Dave, and Jade were all engrossed in their computers, typing frequently. He guessed that meant they were making progress too. Good. They were going to find a way out of this mess, he was pretty damn certain. With teamwork and stuff!

He turned his gaze back to his monitor and frowned a bit. Spinneret had alchemized several new outfits, a bunch of useless junk (not that he could talk on that front), and some nifty computers, but no new weapons. The new additions to her wardrobe weren't even armor, just... aesthetic changes.

Well, aliens came with different priorities. That was inevitable. And stupid, but oh well. Either way, humans sure did like their clothes.

* * *

Rose hummed to herself. Did she want to test out the limits of her Seer powers through another dimension, or try old fashioned sleuthing and just ask around for the mysterious "Kan" who most likely authored her walkthrough?

Well, there was always the chance that one would lead to the other. Might as well try to See and go from there. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply to block out the anxiety from the rest of her reality -- imminent death at the hands of a mind controlled ally, the countdown ticking down to an unknown moment, the broken endgame door...

She Saw a flash of jade text. Whether she'd found Kan or not, she knew she had the right starting point for the best possible outcome.

She selected the corresponding username and the viewport opened on a dark brown-skinned human. As far as she could tell, all the human had done since entering the Medium was alchemize a large assortment of varied outfits. How peculiar.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

TT: Hello, Kan?  
GA: Um  
GA: Eridan  
GA: Is That You  
GA: Did You Change Your Username And Become A Troll  
GA: Thats Really Quite Uncivilized Of You And I Hope You Know Better  
TT: Well, in that case, I have some fantastic news for you.  
GA: Oh  
GA: Did I Win An Ipad  
GA: I Will Have You Know I Dont Open Links From Strangers  
GA: Thank You All The Same  
GA: Please Scam Someone Else  
TT: More good news!  
TT: A scam just happens to be the furthest thing from my mind.  
TT: I take it from your matching typing quirk that you are, in fact, Kan?  
GA: Well I Guess The Answer Is Not No  
GA: But There Is Only One Person Who Calls Me That So Also The Answer Is Not Yes  
TT: Would that person happen to be CA?  
GA: You Have Met Eridan Then  
GA: That Explains It At Least  
TT: Is there a name you'd prefer?  
GA: Oh Do Not Get Me Wrong I Do Not Mind His Silly Nicknaming Habits  
GA: I Am Just Unaccustomed To Seeing It Come From An Internet Stranger Who Pesterchum Tells Me Is In Fact A Troll  
GA: Are You Here To Cause Emotional Distress  
GA: Should I Be Blocking You  
TT: I can't guarantee a lack of emotional distress resulting from our contact, but for what it's worth that is unintentional on my part and more an unfortunate side effect of our circumstances.  
TT: My name is Rose Lalonde. I'm an alien to you and I'm the heiress of the great troll empire.  
GA: Forgive Me I Did Not Realize I Was In The Presence of Royalty Where Are My Manners  
GA: How Does It Go  
GA: Curtsy  
GA: Drat  
GA: Where Is The Block Button Anyway  
TT: Please don't.  
TT: This is my first foray into interplanetary diplomacy and unfortunately the stakes on my end are quite high.  
GA: One Moment I Need To Pester Sollux I Am Sure He Knows Where It Is Located  
TT: If you don't sympathize with a suspicious group of strangers, that's more than understandable, but you should be aware that the stakes are high for you as well.  
TT: Your Time player has already died. Your other friends may meet similar fates.  
GA: You Know About Aradia  
TT: I'm sorry. I tried to prevent it from happening, but the Alpha timeline has other plans in mind for you that requires her death.  
GA: I See  
GA: And For What Purpose Are You Contacting Me  
GA: If You Apparently Cannot Change Events  
TT: Data gathering, mainly.  
TT: Is that a field of interest for you?  
GA: Not In Particular  
GA: I Spend My Time With Fashion Magazines And Supernatural Young Adult Novels For The Most Part  
TT: Is anyone on your team more of the information gathering type, then?  
TT: Keeping track of what you know about Sburb, perhaps?  
GA: No I Do Not Believe So Mostly Karkat Just Bosses Us Around And We Either Obey Or We Dont  
GA: Admittedly That Has Not Worked So Well For Us Thus Far  
TT: How inconvenient. I would have thought someone would have put together a document compiling what everyone has learned so far...  
TT: And spread it around to make sure the team is up to speed and doesn't repeat any stupid mistakes. That sort of silliness.  
GA: Hm  
GA: That Does Seem Useful  
GA: I Would Suggest It To Karkat But I Am Fairly Certain He Will Dismiss It Since It Was Not His Idea  
GA: And Then He Would Regret It In A Few Hours  
GA: And Probably Complain About His Past Self Again  
GA: Compiling Game Information Really Might Not Be A Bad Task To Attempt While The Others Focus On Their Monster Killing Quests  
TT: I imagine it would be quite beneficial.  
TT: I would be more than willing to work with you and help you organize it, if the task seems too daunting. It would be a learning experience for both of us, I imagine.  
GA: I Do Not Entirely Trust You Yet  
GA: But You Do Not Seem Particularly Nasty For A Troll In Fact You Have Been Quite Polite If A Little Sarcastic  
GA: And I Would Appreciate Aid On A Project None Of My Friends Are Likely To Want To Participate In  
TT: Does this mean I'm not blocked?  
GA: For The Time Being I Will Assume You Mean No Harm  
GA: But I Will Block You With A Swift Vengeance If I Suspect Betrayal  
TT: Fair enough. I shall make sure your faith in me isn't misplaced.  
TT: May I have your name, or is Kan sufficient?  
GA: Oh Of Course I Am Kanaya Maryam  
TT: Thank you, Kanaya. It's a pleasure to work with you.  
TT: You may want to start with what you know about entering the Medium.  
GA: All Of Us Have Already Entered The Medium So Information On That Would Be Rather Pointless  
TT: Well...  
TT: You never know when the basics may come in handy again, that's all.

Not that Rose doubted her abilities, but sometimes it was a relief to confirm that Dave's strings weren't the only ones she could pull without effort. She hadn't even needed to abuse her Seer powers to steer Kanaya straight into opening the empty document that would become the walkthrough stored safely on Rose's hard drive.

* * *

So far, so good! Once Karkat was armed with a new computer -- and some shiny new clothes he insisted on alchemizing -- he was well underway to moving along in the game. Most importantly, no one else had died yet! That was a very good thing, in Jade's book.

Still no progress on the source of the glitch, but they had time! Hopefully, probably. Even if Daveglitch found them soon, they'd find a way to hold him off long enough to find a new safe haven, she was sure of it. She wouldn't let the others come to harm and she knew they felt the same way, so they'd work it out.

Aside from the fear of impending doom, watching someone else play Sgrub after she knew all the tricks was almost fun! Even if Karkat was the most grumpy person she had ever met.

EB: COULD THIS GAME BE MORE REDUNDANT AND TEDIOUS?  
EB: WE GRIND FOR XP AND LOOT, WE BUILD OUR HOUSE UP. WE GRIND SOME MORE, WE BUILD SOME MORE. THE MONSTERS GET TOUGHER, WE GRIND SOME MORE, WE BUILD SOME MORE... IS THAT SERIOUSLY ALL THERE GODDAMN IS TO THIS GAME?  
GG: weeeeeell  
GG: i guess mostly!  
GG: but i thought it was fun to explore all the lands and meet the consorts! :D  
GG: it was even a little fun to learn how to beat all the new underlings as they show up  
GG: giclopses are quite a few levels above you still, but theyre tricky in a nice challenging way once you get there!  
EB: OH BOY, MORE GRINDING.  
GG: oh!!! and since youre the knight i guess you will be helping your space player make a genesis frog  
GG: i think she is GA?  
EB: THAT'S KANAYA  
EB: SHE'S COOL  
EB: AT LEAST WORKING WITH HER WON'T SUCK.  
GG: see? :D this game can be fun especially when you work with your friends!  
EB: WHATEVER, I STILL THINK YOU'RE TOO DAMN CHIPPER ABOUT A VIDEO GAME THAT'S TRYING TO MURDER US.  
EB: SO WHAT KIND OF MONSTER IS THAT?  
GG: hmm?

She zoomed out of the viewport until she saw the underling standing in Karkat's path. It was a regular imp, a little different-looking from what she was used to since it wasn't prototyped with any lusii, but that wasn't what made it stand out. It had managed to clip through the tip of a tree branch, resulting in a constant collision that kept it floating a foot off the ground and unable to move from that position.

Its feet moved as if it was walking, but it couldn't break free from the tree's near-invisible hold. Its form glitched from normal visuals to disappearing in a flash of white and back again, almost like a strobe light.

GG: it is just an imp but.........  
GG: ours never acted like that :o  
EB: WOW, THIS GAME IS FUCKING BUGGY  
EB: HANG ON, I THINK ITS COLLISION DETECTOR IS STILL REACHABLE...

Karkat equipped his sickles and slashed at the imp. It took a few hits to sap through its HP even in its defenseless state, then it burst into a small shower of grist. Even the grist flickered as if the graphics hadn't loaded quite fully, until Karkat collected it.

GG: that was really weird o_____o  
EB: YOUR VERSION OF THE GAME DIDN'T HAVE BROKENASS ENEMIES?  
GG: no!!!!  
GG: ours worked perfectly!  
GG: i mean until the endgame obviously :\  
EB: GO FUCKING FIGURE, OURS IS RIDDLED WITH BUGS.  
EB: AND FUCKING LOOK AT THAT, THERE'S MORE OF THEM.  
GG: oh noooo...

She checked and, sure enough, a number of the imps in the surrounding area were acting strangely, clipping through objects or spawning upside down. One was even missing a limb and kept trying to move as if nothing was amiss, which just resulted in many trips.

At least it meant Karkat could plow through them with little to no resistance. Free XP, she supposed?

GG: what a mess...  
EB: NO FUCK.  
EB: THESE ASSHOLES ARE LIKE SITTING DUCKS. WHATEVER THAT ACTUALLY MEANS. SITTING IMPS, STUCK IN A DUCK POND MADE OF VIDEO GAME BUGS LEFTOVER FROM DEVS TOO LAZY TO QA THEIR GAME RIGHT.  
EB: THESE MONSTERS ARE ALMOST PITIFUL, REALLY  
GG: platonically i assume :)  
EB: ......YES, JADE, PITY IS USUALLY PRETTY PLATONIC  
GG: well generally speaking that is a pretty blatant quadrant solicitation! o_o  
GG: unless you mean pity towards npcs doesnt count??  
EB: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT? WHAT'S A QUADRANT?  
GG: errr the romantic quadrants?  
EB: WOW, LOOK AT YOU, SPEWING MORE WORDS THAT MAKE NO DAMN SENSE.  
EB: JADE HARLEY, EVERYBODY. LET'S JUST STRING RANDOM NONSENSE TOGETHER AND PRETEND WE HAVE A SENTENCE!  
GG: hey!!! dont be so mean!  
GG: quadrants are common sense! pity comes from the redder ones while rivalry stems from the blacker side of things!  
GG: dont humans have that???  
EB: NO? WE HAVE ONE KIND OF ROMANCE AND THAT'S CALLED GODDAMN "TRUE LOVE" BUT I GUESS ALIENS ARE TOO HIGH AND MIGHTY FOR THAT  
GG: huh :o  
GG: well we have four kinds of romance and um  
GG: pity is the source for two of them!  
EB: OH  
EB: THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS KIND OF INTERESTING  
EB: MORONIC AND OVERCOMPLICATED AND A WASTE OF ROMANTIC ENERGY, BUT INTERESTING IN, YOU KNOW, A SCHOLARLY WAY.  
EB: SINCE I'M THE RESIDENT EXPERT ON ALL THINGS RELATED TO ROMANCE AND ALL.  
GG: it seems pretty normal to me!  
GG: but i could tell you more i guess while you grind  
GG: we needed something new to talk about anyway  
EB: SURE WHY NOT?  
EB: LET'S HEAR MORE OF YOUR CLEARLY INFERIOR MATING RITUALS.  
EB: IF IT'S NOT EDUCATIONAL, AT LEAST IT'LL BE A LAUGH.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the drop in updates. August was dedicated to a mix of writer's block and finishing my other multi-chapter work so it'd stop distracting me. September is all about C&V though (and my computer suddenly taking twenty minutes to boot up past a blank screen, apparently, wheeee, time to make back-ups).


	18. Act 2.6

Humans were the easiest fuckers to troll that Dave had ever encountered. He'd met some gullible rustbloods in his time, especially after launching SBaHJ and gaining a steady audience, but none of them were so easily unnerved. His threats were mostly empty -- for fuck's sake, how was he supposed to hurt some shitass brats over the Internet? Let alone when they were in another goddamn universe? -- but the humans reacted as if he was hiding in their closets, ready to make good on his word that very second.

They grew most agitated when he could throw in a detail or two about their physical space. Their alien instant messaging program must have been exceptionally primitive, if they couldn't even entertain the idea of a working viewport.

Most of them tried to pick fights right back with him like stubborn assholes. They didn't do too bad a job, sometimes, but they all tried blocking him eventually. That was usually when it got boring anyway, so he let them go, thinking their block was successful. It'd be all the more amusing when they found out later that Trollian could still break through without even trying.

By that point he was fairly sure he'd trolled all twelve of them at least once, usually timed long before they were supposed to enter their game of Sburb. Well, make that eleven out of twelve. He wasn't keeping track of who he'd already contacted or anything, he might've missed a few still, but he knew damn well he had yet to break the ice with the orange-haired girl who'd sent the JPEG attachment that alerted them to the humans' presence to begin with.

There was no rush. He wasn't concerned at all that she'd managed to send him a JPEG covered in his blood color. Nothing like that. He was just taking things at a leisurely pace.

Fuck, he needed to actually troll her soon if even he was gonna believe that bullshit.

He set the timeline marker so that she was freshly in Sburb. It had seemed funnier to contact the others before they knew about all the shit involving the game, but that didn't feel right with her. He wanted to strike at her during a weaker moment, when she was out of her element.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

TG: hey attention worthless human   
GC: WORTHL3SS HUM4N R3PORT1NG FOR DUTY S1R   
TG: wow one of you actually got the memo   
GC: Y34H 1 R34D 4LL 4BOUT HOW SOM3 L4M3 4L13N W4S DU3 TO TROLL M3 1N 4 FUT1L3 4TT3MPT TO CONSOL3 H1MS3LF OV3R TH3 M1N1 S1Z3 OF H1S D1CK   
TG: the fuck is a dick   
GC: 1TS 4 TH1NG YOU DONT H4V3 H4H4H4H4H4H4H4   
TG: i always felt like there was something missing in my life   
TG: who knew it was some ugly alien appendage   
GC: YOUR F4C3 1S 4N UGLY 4L13N 4PP3ND4G3   
TG: well shit consider me burned   
TG: first my thankful lack of one of your weirdass human dicks   
TG: and now my face has been thoroughly insulted   
TG: damn is this next part where you finish me off with a threatening jpg of red scribbles   
GC: :?   
TG: never mind it doesnt matter the point is this is lame as fuck   
GC: Y34H 1 NOT1C3D   
GC: YOUR3 PR3TTY BOR1NG FOR 4 TROLL   
TG: i am the coolest text to have ever graced your primitive human computer monitor   
TG: not my fault if your weak alien think pans arent wired to recognize pure ironic awesome when they see it   
GC: Y444444444WN   
GC: SO BOR3D   
GC: NO WOND3R 3V3RYON3 3LS3 TR13D BLOCK1NG YOU   
TG: and its any wonder how you dumbasses fucked everything up in sburb   
TG: youre not even smart enough to have good taste   
GC: OH NO 4 J3RK ON TH3 1NT3RN3T 1NSULT3D MY OP1N1ON WH4T3V3R W1LL 1 DO???? D:   
GC: TH1S 1S TH3 WORST D4Y OF MY L1F3   
TG: you better believe its about to be   
TG: i can see the future fucker and right now your fortune lies in getting a verbal asswhooping followed by a game thatll tear you and your friends limb from limb   
TG: have fun with that ill be sure to record the best moments and send them to you in your dying moments   
GC: SO 4R3 YOU 4CTU4LLY 3NJOY1NG TH1S R1GHT NOW L1K3 FOR R34L   
TG: it kills time and annoys you   
GC: SO YOUR3 MOR3 BOR3D TH4N 1 4M   
TG: im so much more advanced than you that i dont even measure my state in boredom anymore   
TG: im just in a perpetual state of awesome   
GC: 4ND TH4TS WHY YOUV3 GOT SUUUCH 4N 4W3SOM3 L1F3 TH4T YOU H4V3 NOTH1NG B3TT3R TO DO TH4N TROLL STR4NGERS ON TH3 1NT3RN3T >:]   
TG: my life was absolutely amazing until twelve aliens got their sticky appendages up in it   
TG: man if youd seen the kinda shit i used to get up to youd shit yourself with envy   
TG: you just wish you could be that cool   
TG: but sorry man you cant even gain a drop of this no matter how much you associate with me   
GC: TH4TS OK4Y YOU C4N K33P 1T YOU PROB4BLY COULD US3 4LL TH3 H3LP YOU C4N G3T   
TG: hey guess what this conversation aint about   
TG: me   
TG: i am none of your business   
TG: related fact: i am too hot for you to handle anyway   
TG: so lets focus on the more appropriate subject matter staring us in the face   
GC: 4R3 YOU 4BOUT TO CONF3SS TRU3 LOV3 L1K3 1N 4LL TH3 MOV13S WH3R3 TH3 4SSHOL3 GUY W4S JUST H4RBOR1NG 4 DUMB4SS CRUSH   
TG: the subject matter being that youre about to get your ass kicked five ways from- fuck no fuck you what the fuck   
TG: thats sick youre an alien and also i am so out of your league   
GC: 4W B4BY YOU DONT H4V3 TO B3 SO TSUND3R3 W1TH M3 ;]   
TG: i am not whatever that is   
TG: stop fucking distracting me   
GC: 1 TH1NK YOUR3 TH3 ON3 D1STR4CT1NG M3 4CTU4LLY   
GC: 4LL H3Y STUP1D HUM4N P4Y 4TT3NT1ON TO M3 CH3CK OUT HOW COOL 1 4M   
TG: i am the coolest thing you will ever come in contact with not denyin that but youre not worthy of checking it   
GC: OH NO MY L1F3 1S RU1N3D   
GC: PL34S3 COOLK1D L3T M3 B4SK 1N YOUR GLORY   
GC: 1TS NOT L1K3 1 H4V3 OTH3R SH1T TO DO TH4N HUMOR SOM3 D3SP3R4T3 4L13N   
GC: W41T   
GC: 1D34 :]   
GC: YOU C4N S33 US THROUGH YOUR W31RD 4L1EN T3CH R1GHT   
TG: yeah our weird alien tech can do a lot of cool shit you humans cant even begin to comprehend   
GC: GR34T YOU C4N T3LL M3 HOW TH1S SH1RT 1 JUST 4LCH3M1Z3D LOOKS   
TG: looks like it took a dump in hoofbeast barf then took a swim in the mixture   
GC: OK   
GC: WH4T COLOR 1S 1T   
TG: wow youre making this too easy   
TG: cant you see you fucking dumbass   
GC: NO 1 C4NT YOU FUCK1NG DUMB4SS   
TG: yeah obviously   
TG: wait   
TG: you cant see   
GC: GOOD JOB R3P34T1NG WH4T 1 4LR34DY KN3W   
GC: YOU 4L13NS 4R3 TRULY SM4RT3R TH4N US DUMB HUM4NS   
TG: no hold up   
TG: youre blind?   
GC: YOUR3 SO P3RC3PT1V3   
TG: how the hell have you survived this long   
GC: W3LL G3N3R4LLY 1 TRY TO K33P 4 H34LTHY D13T 4ND SL33P 4T L34ST 31GHT HOURS 4 D4Y   
TG: i mean how the hell has no one culled you yet   
TG: with a liability like that   
GC: CULL3D :?   
TG: killed   
TG: for being a deficient member of your species   
GC: H4H4H4H4 WH4T K1ND OF SH1T 1S TH4T   
GC: 1F SOM3ON3 3V3R TR13D TH4T 1D JUST G1V3 TH3M TH3 SL1P UNT1L TH3Y G4V3 UP   
TG: how   
TG: youre fucking blind   
GC: SH3N4N1G4NS :]   
GC: NOW WH4T FUCK1NG COLOR 1S TH1S SH1RT DUMMY   
TG: orange   
GC: Y34H R1GHT 1TS PROB4BLY PURPL3   
TG: teal actually   
GC: OK4Y TH4TS NOT TOO B4D   
GC: 1 C4N W34R T34L   
TG: why do you care its not like you have a hemospectrum to show off   
GC: UH B3C4US3 1 L1K3 N1C3 CLOTH3S?   
GC: WH4T DO YOU DO DR3SS 4LL TH3 S4M3 L1K3 BOR1NG 4SSHOL3S   
TG: i dress like a badass   
TG: which is good seeing as fashion is stupid bullshit anyway everyone knows that   
TG: but everything i wear takes a level in badass just by virtue of sitting on my hot bod   
GC: 1LL B3L13V3 1T WH3N 1 S33 1T H3H3H3H3   
GC: WH4T COLOR 1S YOUR FONT 4NYW4Y   
TG: red   
GC: :O   
GC: 1 LOV3 R3D!!!   
TG: i thought you were blind   
GC: 1T W4S ST1LL MY F4VOR1T3 COLOR WH3N 1 COULD S33 YOU 1NS3NS1T1V3 PR1CK   
GC: JUST B3C4US3 1 C4NT S33 1T 4NYMOR3 DO3SNT M34N 1T STOPP3D B31NG TH3 B3ST COLOR   
TG: awright fair enough it is pretty kickass   
GC: 3X4CTLY :]   
GC: WH4TS YOUR N4M3 4NYW4Y MR OH SO B4D4SS COOLK1D   
TG: dave strider   
TG: why do you care   
GC: 1M T3R3Z1 PYROP3   
GC: 1 TH1NK 1 N33D TO H3LP MY CL13NT PL4Y3R W1TH SOM3TH1NG R1GHT NOW   
GC: BUT YOU C4N P3ST3R M3 4G41N L4T3R 1F YOU W4NT   
TG: yeah youll eat those words   
TG: im not done with you by a long shot pyrope   
GC: OK WH4T3V3R   
GC: BY3 D4V3

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

That was not how things were supposed to go. Dave frowned a little as he reopened the chat.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

TG: nah i meant it when i said i wasnt done

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

TG: you really think the repetition of closing my chats is going to chase me away

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

TG: i could do this all fucking day here comes one whoopass trolling session one sentence at a time

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

TG: ok but fucking seriously

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

TG: stop it   
GC: NO :]

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

TG: youre getting off on this arent you   
GC: 4 L1TTL3   
GC: MOSTLY 1M ST1LL BUSY

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

He should have trusted his instincts and left this one alone. The others could be frustrating and try to throw him off his game, but this one- Fuck, no, he wasn't off his game; this was just a minor setback. It wasn't even that. It was an annoyance, not even a nuisance. This Terezi had nothing on him.

That said, reopening chat windows was getting on his nerves.

He moved the timeline marker further along by a few minutes before trying again.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

TG: are you fucking done yet   
GC: Y34H PR3TTY MUCH   
GC: CONT1NU3 W1TH YOUR SUP3R 1NT1M1D4T1NG TROLL1NG SHT1CK   
GC: 1TLL K33P M3 3NT3RT41N3D WH1L3 1 PL4Y W1TH TH3 4LCH3M1T3R SOM3 MOR3   
TG: if youre trying to get under my skin so you can enjoy the sweet sensation of getting trolled into oblivion   
TG: well congrats cos you failed i am way too smooth to be riled by your lame antics   
TG: but i was planning on trolling you anyway so you still reap the benefits   
GC: ST3P 1T UP 4ND G3T TO 4 PO1NT PL34S3 1 4M NOT B31NG SUFF1C13NTLY 3NT3RT41N3D Y3T   
TG: youre trying to reverse psychology me into leaving you alone arent you   
GC: SUR3   
TG: dont care you havent been sufficiently scared out of your mind for fucking us over yet   
GC: 1S TH4T WH4T TH1S 1S 4BOUT :? R3V3NG3   
TG: i guess   
GC: W3 H4V3NT 3V3N H34RD OF YOU B3FOR3 YOU CONT4CT3D US YOU KNOW   
TG: yeah well time works like a bitch sometimes   
TG: from our pov youve already gotten us killed   
GC: TH4T SOUNDS K1ND4 L1K3 4 LO4D OF BULLSH1T   
GC: BUT CONS1D3R1NG YOU KNOW 4BOUT SBURB 4ND 4LL TH1S CR4P   
GC: 1M GO1NG TO GO OUT ON 4 L1MB 4ND GU3SS TH4T YOU 4CTU4LLY M1GHT H4V3 SOM3 R34SON FOR B31NG P1SS3D 4T US   
TG: if i was the type of guy to get pissed at little things like imminent death at the hands of a freak clone   
TG: yeah i might have a pretty decent excuse for being shitty to your group of friends   
GC: 4ND YOU TH1NK W3R3 R3SPONS1BL3 FOR YOUR 1MM1N3NT D34THS   
TG: yeah because you pretty much are   
GC: HOW :?   
GC: 4R3NT YOU 1N 4NOTH3R UN1V3RS3 3V3N   
TG: didnt stop you   
TG: you unleashed this shit and sent it over to our dimension simple as that   
TG: not that i expect your human sponge to comprehend something that basic   
GC: OH Y34H W3LL   
GC: TH3N PROV3 1T 1N COOOOOURT!   
TG: what   
GC: PR3S3NT YOUR 3V1D3NC3 TO TH3 JUDG3 PL34S3 PROS3CUTOR COOLK1D   
TG: hey you know what   
TG: fine check it   
TG: we beat the goddamn game and had every right to claim the good ending   
TG: then the door into your fucking universe spawned a glitch thats determined to kill us   
GC: TH3 JUDG3 WOND3RS WH4T TH3 FUCK TH4T H4S TO DO W1TH H3R   
TG: ok whatever let me put it more simply   
TG: it came from your universe   
TG: you caused it   
GC: YOU H4V3 W1TN3SS3S FOR TH1S :?   
GC: SOM3ON3 WHO C4N T3ST1FY TH4T W3 BROUGHT TH1S GL1TCH TO L1F3   
TG: it infects your session later on and entered our session through your universe   
TG: how is that not enough proof for you   
GC: BUT YOU DONT H4V3 4NY 3V1D3NC3 B3YOND TH3 HYPOTH3S1S TH4T W3 4CTU4LLY C4US3D TH1S GL1TCH PROS3CUTOR COOLK1D?   
TG: connect the goddamn dots what else do you think happened   
GC: 1RR3L3V4NT!!!   
GC: TH3 G4V3L F4LLS   
GC: B4NG B4NG B4NG   
GC: TH3 JUDG3 THROWS OUT YOUR C4S3 ON GROUNDS OF 1T B31NG TOT4L HORS3SH1T   
TG: i demand a retrial   
GC: UNL3SS YOU UNCOV3R N3W 3V1D3NC3 TH3 JUDG3 W1LL H34R NO MOR3 ON TH3 M4TT3R   
TG: are you seriously trying to say anything else could have happened beyond you guys fucking up royally   
GC: NO W3 DONT H4V3 3V1D3NC3 FOR TH4T Y3T 31TH3R   
GC: YOU 4R3 D1SM1SS3D PROS3CUTOR COOLK1D   
GC: NOW T3LL M3 WH4T COLOR 1M 4LCH3M1Z1NG TH1S T1M3   
TG: why the hell are you making more clothes   
TG: youre already wearing a set   
TG: this just in but you do not need backup outfits   
TG: you dont ever get stripped naked in sburb   
GC: B3T YOU W1SH 1 D1D H4H4H4H4   
TG: yeah weird pink aliens are exactly what gets my bulge throbbing   
TG: how did you know about my sick perversion   
GC: HOW COULD 1 NOT   
GC: YOUR3 4 S1CK P3RV 4ND 1M HOT 1T DO3SNT T4K3 MUCH TO PUT TWO 4ND TWO TOG3TH3R   
TG: you know whats sicker than my hankering for squishy extraterrestrials though   
TG: the tragic amount of grist youre wasting on fucking clothes what the actual fuck make a goddamn weapon already   
GC: OH STOP B4CKS34T G4M1NG   
GC: N3W CLOTH3S 4R3 FUN   
GC: 1 B3T YOU M4D3 L1K3 4 B4Z1LL1ON SU1TS WH3N YOU R34L1Z3D YOU COULD   
TG: no because thats fucking pointless   
TG: make a few spare cheap outfits in case you get drenched in blood then move the fuck on to shit thats useful   
TG: like i dunno maybe a weapon   
TG: if you feel like not dying when ogres become more plentiful than imps in a few levels   
GC: TH3R3 4R3 OGR3S :?   
TG: yeah theyre a cinch for me now but theyre kinda assholes to beat on your first go   
GC: HM OK4Y   
GC: SO WH4T K1ND OF JUNK WOULD 4LCH3M1Z3 TH3 B3ST W1TH MY STR1FE SP3C1BUS   
TG: dunno its kind of a crapshoot just start trying shit out and make whatevers most expensive   
TG: wait no   
TG: im not fucking helping you   
GC: WHY NOT   
GC: YOUR3 JUST GONN4 L3T US FUCK 3V3RYTH1NG UP 1S TH4T WH4T YOUR3 S4Y1NG   
TG: thats how it works   
TG: nothing i can do to change it so why bother   
GC: DONT YOU W4NT TO F1ND OUT WHY YOUR3 1N D4NG3R   
TG: what for   
GC: SO W3 C4N F1N1SH OUR C4S3 DUMMY :]   
GC: 4ND TH3N W3 W1LL KNOW 3X4CTLY WHO TO 3X4CT JUST1C3 UPON   
TG: thats pointless   
GC: NOT 1F W3 F1ND HOW TO B34T WH4T3V3RS 4FT3R YOU WH3N W3 D1SCOV3R 1TS OR1G1NS   
TG: and what are the fucking chances of that happening   
GC: SHRUG   
GC: 1TLL ST1LL B3 MOR3 FUN 4ND PRODUCT1V3 TH4N TROLL1NG US T1L YOU D13 1 B3T   
TG: you just want me to be your game guide   
GC: NO W4Y   
GC: 1 W4S 4CTU4LLY PL4NN1NG TO S1PHON YOUR COOLN3SS 4FT3R 1 GOT YOUR GU4RD DOWN   
GC: G3T 1T R1GHT!!   
TG: pretty nefarious plan youve got going there   
GC: 1 KNOW 1M PR3TTY PROUD OF 1T   
TG: might have to keep a close eye on you pyrope   
TG: who knows what shit youll screw up without someone to watch your back   
TG: ...literally i guess   
GC: Y34H YOULL PROB4BLY R3GR3T 1T 1F YOU DONT JO1N FORC3S W1TH M3 34RLY   
GC: 4LL TH3 R3GR3T   
TG: all of it huh   
GC: 4LL OF 1T D4V3   
TG: well shit   
TG: guess i got no choice then   
GC: NON3 4T 4LL :]   
GC: NOW T3LL M3 HOW TO 4LCH3M1Z3 4 B3TT3R W34PON!   
TG: fine asshole get ready to take some notes on how best to kick ass in this game   
TG: youre about to be schoolfed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaaay, all the tagged ships have now at least interacted and I can stop feeling guilty about the false advertising. *confetti*


	19. Act 2.7

AG: Level  
AG: UUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!  
AG: One more step up the echeladder, 8a8y!  
GT: hell yeah! :D  
GT: you're going way faster than any of us did!  
AG: You expected any less? I told you, John, I'm gr8!!!!!!!!  
GT: haha, yeah, i know.  
GT: i still think you should at least try to alchemize some better weapons. you never know what you'll need out here!  
AG: John, John, John...  
AG: I don't need an upgraded weapon. I have aaaaaaaall the luck, you see! ::::)  
AG: There's only so much you can upgrade a pair of dice anyway!  
AG: Now where to next?  
GT: the next gate is over the hill up ahead!  
GT: there are a couple ogres on the way, but otherwise there are only imps from here!  
AG: 8ahahahahahahaha, that's like a c8kewalk now!  
AG: See you when I get to the other side of this mo8!

John often just skipped ahead on the timeline until Spinneret -- or whatever her real name was -- had finished fighting her way to the gate, but it was kind of fun to watch her kick imp ass too. She made the game exciting -- more exciting than even when he'd been playing. She was just so enthusiastic!!!!!!!! And kind of full of herself, but that was all right. If he was offended by arrogance, he wouldn't have ever made friends with Dave or Rose.

She equipped one of her portable computers once she'd leapt through the next gate, but to his confusion she didn't pick up their conversation yet. He was about to ask her what she was up to when she finally sent him a new message.

AG: John!!!!!!!!  
GT: uh, yes?  
AG: Terezi's snagged a troll mentor now too! Some guy called Strider????????  
GT: oh, that must be dave. good, so he IS making some progress!  
AG: Who is this asshole? Is he your 8rother?  
GT: brother? umm... well kind of, actually! i guess that is not a bad way to put it!  
GT: he is mostly just my friend, but he's my best bro as well, so i guess that makes him my brother.  
GT: how'd you know?  
AG: Well 8ecause you're 8oth named Strider?  
AG: Or...  
AG: I THOUGHT you were. >::::(  
GT: haha, nuts! you got me. i am not a strider. i am not the lame one. that is dave.  
GT: my real name is egbert!  
AG: You were lying about your name, Mr. John Strider?  
GT: hey, you said your name's spinneret!  
AG: Uuuuuuuugh, that's true.  
GT: ...  
GT: soooooo you wanna let me in on it now that you know my actual name?  
AG: Fiiiiiiiine. My name is actually Vriska Serket.  
GT: vriska! i like that.  
GT: much easier to spell than spinerret.  
GT: err!! spinneret!  
GT: see????????  
AG: Heh.  
AG: Maybe you're just 8ad at typing, Eg8ert.  
AG: 8etter step that up.  
AG: We need to look our 8est now that we have rivals!!!!!!!!  
GT: uh, we have rivals?  
AG: Terezi and that 8rother of yours!  
GT: you think dave and i are rivals??  
GT: pffffffff, noooooooo, we are not THAT!  
GT: wow no.  
GT: me in the black with dave?  
GT: wooooooooow nope!  
AG: "In the 8lack"? The fuck does that mean?  
GT: you know, like a kismesissitude!  
AG: ........  
GT: humans don't have that?  
GT: so weird!  
GT: it is one of our romantic quadrants. none of which i share with dave. especially not the black one!  
GT: that's the rivalry one.  
AG: Trolls are fucking weird.  
AG: Whatever, we have PLATONIC rivals then!  
GT: i really don't think dave's trying to be my rival regardless of his romantic interests or lack thereof.  
AG: C'moooooooon, John, don't 8e naive.  
AG: It's a GAME. We're meant to have rivals!  
AG: These in-game enemies are getting 8oring. We need a real challenge to 8eat. :::;)  
GT: heh, i guess. maybe if it's just a friendly pretend rivalry.  
AG: Oh, whatever, close enough!  
AG: Shit.  
GT: what?  
AG: Shiiiiiiiit.  
GT: what???  
AG: I see my mom, gotta run, contact you when I'm safe!

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

Vriska tossed her computer into her sylladex and took off. For once, she dodged optional enemies instead of taking them head-on. There were even a few glitched up imps around. She normally loved annihilating those near-defenseless enemies, even if she avoided collecting their grist like the plague.

Whatever she was running from, it must have been bad.

He was about to jump a few hours ahead in her time, something he did every now and then when she wanted to just grind without interruption, but he hesitated. If she didn't need him for a while, maybe he could strike up conversation with another human for a while. Gather more intel. Get to know a certain pitiful loudmouth better.

Okay, he wasn't really interested in gathering intel, but it was all right. He was making great progress with Vriska and the other three were also hard at work, so it wouldn't matter if he took a few minutes to talk to Karkat some more, right? He could afford the break.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

GT: hi karkat!  
EB: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT NOW  
GT: to see how you're doing and make sure you're getting along with jade!  
EB: AREN'T YOU IN THE SAME DAMN ROOM AS HER? GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND ASK HER YOURSELF  
GT: i can see she's sitting at her computer with a big silly grin on her face. it is safe to assume she is fine.  
GT: i can't ask her how YOU'RE holding up though!  
EB: I AM FUCKING PEACHY.  
EB: JUST CHASING SOME BULLSHIT AMPHIBIANS AROUND FOR WHO THE FUCK KNOWS HOW LONG  
EB: I COULD READ DANIELLE STEEL'S ENTIRE PASSIONATE, POIGNANT BIBLIOGRAPHY FIVE TIMES OVER IN THE TIME IT'LL TAKE BEFORE WE'RE DONE WITH THIS ASININE TASK.  
GT: haha, see, this is why i wanted to talk to you!  
GT: you're a lot of fun, karkat.  
EB: YOU ARE THE STUPIDEST TODDLER I HAVE EVER COME ACROSS.  
EB: THAT'S AN INSULT TO TODDLERS, ACTUALLY, BECAUSE EVEN A TWO-YEAR-OLD CAN TELL WHEN THERE'S SHIT SITTING IN ITS PANTS  
EB: INSTEAD OF REACHING IN TO PLAY WITH THE WARM MUSHY CRAP LIKE IT'S A SHINY NEW TOY.  
GT: ew gross.  
EB: SUCKS TO BE YOU, COCKSUCKER.  
GT: pfff, back at you, bulgestain.  
GT: so i wanted to ask, what's a mom?  
EB: ALIENS DON'T HAVE MOTHERS?  
GT: mothers? well, we have a mother grub who lays all the wriggler eggs...  
GT: but she doesn't really chase after us much, like vriska's mom apparently does. mostly she just stays in her caverns and doesn't think about her wrigglers much.  
EB: ....HOLY SHIT, TROLLS ARE FUCKED UP.  
EB: YOU DON'T HAVE, LIKE... AN ADULT WHO TAKES CARE OF YOU WHILE YOU'RE GROWING UP?  
GT: wow no!  
GT: adults are scary and would probably just try to eat us!  
EB: I REPEAT  
EB: TROLLS.  
EB: FUCKED. UP.  
EB: HOW DO YOU EVEN SURVIVE AS A KID? YOU JUST LIVE ON YOUR OWN?  
GT: nah, we have lususes! they are white creatures that adopt us as wigglers and they feed us and we look after them in return. it's a pretty sweet deal.  
EB: ...YOU HAVE PET-PARENTS.  
GT: what's a parent? you said that before...  
EB: UGH, ADULT HUMANS WHO RAISE CHILDREN AND SHIT. THEY'RE TRADITIONALLY MOTHERS AND FATHERS.  
GT: ohhh... so vriska's mother is a type of lusus basically?  
EB: IF I UNDERSTAND YOUR LUSUS CONCEPT RIGHT, THEN YES.  
EB: ALL OUR GODDAMN GUARDIANS GOT SWEPT UP IN THIS GAME FOR SOME REASON.  
EB: HAVEN'T ACTUALLY SEEN MINE AROUND THOUGH, THANK GOD.  
EB: MAYBE HE'S BUSY PREACHING TO THE IMPS ABOUT HOW THEIR AMBIGUOUS GENDERS MEAN THEY NEED TO WEAR THEIR PREFERRED PRONOUNS ON THEIR SHIRTS SO AS NOT TO MAKE ANYONE UNCOMFORTABLE IN TRYING TO GUESS WHAT THEY GO BY.  
EB: OH MY GOD, HOW WILL ANYONE KNOW HOW TO REFER TO YOU IF WE CAN'T TELL BY LOOKING AT YOU???  
GT: haha your lusus sounds weird.  
EB: HE'S FUCKING AWFUL. BE GLAD YOU'VE NEVER MET HIM AND HOPEFULLY NEVER WILL.  
EB: JESUS, I'M SHUDDERING TO THINK WHAT KIND OF SERMONS HE'LL HAVE FOR ME ONCE WE GET OUT OF THIS GAME.  
EB: PROBABLY SOMETHING ABOUT IMP PRIVILEGE.  
GT: that fucking sucks. lususes should be someone who takes care of you and you can go to for protection!  
GT: man, mine was this great hopbeast. everyone assumed he'd be a total pushover but he had a death grip and could kick a hoofbeast ten feet in the air. :D  
EB: ...HOPBEAST.  
GT: yeah, then i prototyped him and he became bunnysprite!  
EB: ...................  
EB: OH MY GOD YOU WERE RAISED BY A RABBIT THAT IS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING I'VE HEARD IN A YEAR HOLY SHIT  
EB: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
GT: uh... i guess?  
GT: anyway, point is, hopbeasts are the best, especially mine.  
GT: i already miss him a lot actually. :(  
EB: OK WELL THEN.  
EB: THAT'S MOOD WHIPLASH. THANKS FOR THAT.  
EB: YOU COULD HAVE WARNED ME YOUR RABBIT-DAD WAS DEAD.  
GT: sorry. it is generally not how i introduce him. then again i've never had to introduce him since he died.  
GT: guess i'll be more careful about that next time.  
EB: ER.  
EB: LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR RABBIT-DAD.  
EB: YOU SAID HE WAS A SPRITE SO... I'M ASSUMING HE DIED IN SBURB.  
GT: yeah... the glitch monster from your game got him and all the other lusus sprites too. :\  
EB: GODDAMN. THIS BUGGYASS GAME JUST WENT FROM MILDLY INCONVENIENT TO FUCKING PERSONAL.  
EB: GLITCHING ENEMIES WAS WEIRD.  
EB: GLITCHED UP GRIST? BALL-ACHINGLY ANNOYING. DID YOU KNOW THAT SHIT MAKES GLITCHED UP WEAPONS THAT *MISS* HALF THE GODDAMN TIME?  
GT: haha, yeah, vriska was mad about that when she tried alchemizing some computer glasses... most of my messages turned garbled.  
EB: YEAH, BUT IT'S FUCKING LIVEABLE, EVEN IF THIS GAME OWES EVERYONE WHO PLAYS IT A GODDAMN REFUND FOR ITS BROKEN UNTESTED ASS.  
EB: BUT KILLING ALIEN PARENTS? THAT'S FUCKING SICK.  
EB: JUST FUCK THIS GAME.  
GT: well it was kind of fun before all the killing happened...  
EB: JOHN GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS THIS GODDAMNED SECOND AND AGREE WITH ME HERE  
EB: THIS GAME? FUCK IT  
EB: FUCK IT IN EVERY ORIFICE YOU HEAR ME  
GT: ...  
GT: yeah.  
GT: fuck this game.  
EB: THAT'S THE FUCKING SPIRIT  
EB: SO IS THAT ALL YOU WANTED? TO ANGST ALL OVER ME LIKE A TEEN ACTION HERO?  
GT: wanna talk about movies? trolls make some awesome ones but i don't know what kind humans have.  
EB: OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO WASTE OUR GODDAMN TIME ON BULLSHIT LIKE THAT  
GT: shrug.  
GT: do you have anything better to do?  
EB: ...NO, FUCK IT, I'M CHASING AMPHIBIANS.  
EB: EVER SEEN CITY OF ANGELS?  
GT: nope!  
EB: OH MY GOD IT IS TRAGIC. IT WOULD MAKE YOU CRY IF YOU COULD WATCH IT RIGHT NOW. IT'S BRILLIANT.  
EB: EVEN IF IT DOES STAR NIC CAGE.  
GT: never heard of him.  
EB: AND BE GLAD OF IT, HE'S HORRENDOUS USUALLY.  
GT: haha, he doesn't sound that bad to me. but if you say so!

* * *

Goddamn, Sgrub was even duller when he wasn't the one actually playing. Dave had to give Terezi a shitton of credit though, 'cos she didn't mind that he skipped the boring crap. They'd created a system for it, even. If she needed his attention, she'd put on a red scarf and he could stop to contact her since it was almost fucking impossible to miss as he skimmed over her timeline. She didn't wear it as often as he'd assumed she'd need to.

That got shit done pretty efficiently, when he only had to contact her whenever she wanted assistance or whenever he thought her actions looked interesting enough to pry into.

Her timeline was getting close to the glitched up zone, though, where shit must've hit the fan or something. Didn't matter that her scarf was safely tucked in her sylladex. They were running out of room for clear communication so he opened her chat window as she finished up with another imp.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

TG: bout done in this area?  
GC: Y3S 1 H4V3 K1CKED BUTT 4ND S3RV3D SW33T JUST1C3  
GC: NOT TO M3NT1ON W3NT UP 4 F3W MOR3 L3V3LS  
TG: yeah lookin pretty sweet  
TG: gonna hit the top of the echeladder in like record time at this rate  
TG: youre welcome btw  
GC: :P  
GC: MOST OF TH4T W4S 4LL ON M3 4ND YOU KNOW 1T  
TG: you wish  
TG: never woulda gotten this far without me admit it  
GC: N3V3R  
GC: YOU JUST S4V3D M3 FROM G3TT1NG BOR3D 1N 4LL TH3S3 COOLDOWN P3R1ODS >:D  
GC: SO 1 W1LL TH4NK YOU FOR PROV1D1NG 4N 3NT3RT41N1NG D1STR4CT1ON  
TG: cool if thats all i matter to you guess ill leave then  
GC: F1N3  
TG: see ya  
GC: ...  
TG: ...  
GC: 1M C4LL1NG YOUR BLUFF  
TG: maybe im calling yours  
GC: YOU TH1NK 1M 4W3SOM3 4ND N3V3R W4NT TO L34V3 MY PR3S3NC3 3V3RYON3 KNOWS 1T  
TG: im so indifferent about your presence i sometimes forget you exist even when your chat windows right in front of me  
TG: but eh  
TG: ill at least admit youre actually not too bad for a human  
GC: TH4NK YOU :]  
GC: 1 DONT KNOW WH4T TROLLS 4R3 USU4LLY L1K3  
GC: BUT 1M PR3TTY SUR3 YOUR3 ST1LL 4N 4SSHOL3  
TG: yeah pretty much  
GC: H3Y  
GC: SO 1 G1V3 UP MY CUR1OS1TY W1NS  
GC: WHOS JOHN?  
TG: hes my best bro  
TG: why  
TG: is he trolling you  
GC: NO BUT MY FR13ND VR1SK4  
GC: BLUH W41T 1 K33P FORG3TT1NG SH3S 4CTU4LLY MY R34L B1OLOG1C4L S1ST3R 4ND SH1T  
GC: 31TH3R W4Y SH3 H4S B33N T4LK1NG TO H1M 4ND H4SNT SHUT UP 4BOUT 1T FOR FUCK1NG D4YS  
GC: SH3 S4YS H3S W44444444Y B3TT3R TH4N YOU 4PP4R3NTLY :P  
TG: hahahahaha what the shit how is that even a topic  
GC: SHRUG  
GC: SH3S WRONG R1GHT  
TG: well obviously  
TG: but whos keeping track here i mean im not going to go setting up a competition  
TG: its just a fact that im the coolest troll in the remaining universe  
TG: not johns fault if someone wants to go and pit him against me  
GC: Y34H TH4TS VR1SK4 FOR YOU  
GC: H4H4 POOR GUY  
TG: he gonna be ok around her  
GC: HOP3FULLY BUT 1 DONT KNOW VR1SK4S K1ND4 D4NG3ROUS  
GC: BUT TROLLS 4R3 4 SC4RY D4NG3ROUS SP3C13S 4NYW4Y R1GHT  
TG: uh  
TG: right  
TG: most of us  
TG: like ninety nine percent or so  
TG: total terrifying badasses  
GC: ...  
GC: SH3 GOT H3R CL4WS 1N TH3 3XC3PT1ON HUH  
TG: yup  
GC: H4H4H4H4H4 TH4TS JUST L1K3 H3R  
GC: 1TS OK4Y TH3R3S ONLY SO MUCH SH3 C4N DO OV3R P3ST3RCHUM DONT WORRY  
TG: who the hell said anything about worrying  
TG: im chill as fuck over here  
TG: might fuck off and draw comics just cos i can  
TG: prove how little fucks i give about our current situation  
GC: YOU M4K3 COM1CS :?  
TG: yeah man theyre the shit  
TG: voted most ironic long running series in last sweeps up n coming webcomic awards  
GC: :O  
GC: 1 W4NT TO R34D TH3M!  
GC: S3ND M3 TH3M  
TG: nah  
GC: >:[  
GC: TH4TS PR3TTY L4M3 FOR 4 COOLK1D  
TG: sorry t-z these rad masterpieces just arent safe for an alien such as yourself we dont know the side effects theyd have on your kind  
GC: T-Z?  
GC: G3TT1NG K1ND OF C4SU4L TH3R3 STR1D3R ;]  
TG: were you expecting formal and respectful  
TG: shit i forgot my fancy manners back at my hive  
TG: guess youre stuck as t-z now  
GC: TRULY TH3 WORST F4T3 :[  
GC: SO RUD3 COOLK1D  
TG: the rudest  
GC: 1 M1GHT H4V3 TO SU3 YOU 1F W3 3V3R M33T 1N P3RSON  
TG: cool i totally know what that means  
TG: btw you remember that weird glitch thing i warned you about on your timeline  
GC: Y34H  
TG: yeah  
TG: its coming up in a few minutes  
TG: so  
TG: no goddamn clue what thatll do to our communication  
TG: i mean i could just move up into the future and ask you then come back and report  
TG: but meh  
TG: i do enough time shit and that craps likely to get confusing and predestination-y  
TG: so fuck it  
TG: gonna go linear and see what shit goes down from our front row seats  
GC: 1 STOPP3D L1ST3N1NG L1K3 F1V3 M3SS4G3S 4GO  
TG: cool  
GC: SHOW M3 YOUR COM1CS!  
TG: subtle  
TG: yknow what fine im feeling charitable as we wait for your glitchy doom  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent gallowsCalibrator [GC] the file "sbahj001.jpg" --  
TG: i sent one  
TG: now you can go piss yourself in joy  
GC: TH3R3 1S JOYFUL P1SS 4LL OV3R  
GC: NOW D3SCR1B3 1T TO M3  
TG: what  
TG: why the fuck  
GC: 1M BL1ND R3M3MB3R  
GC: MY SOFTW4R3 C4NT D3SCR1B3 1M4G3S  
TG: that is really more effort than im willing to expend  
TG: especially when that glitch is coming up on the timeline in like  
TG: thirty seconds  
GC: D3SCR1B3 1T 1F W3 SURV1V3 WH4T3V3R TH1S 1S :?  
TG: omfg  
TG: fine  
TG: if we both manage to survive this bullshit i will read you my entire archive ok  
GC: :]  
TG: see ya on the other side in 3  
TG: 2

The screen flickered as if the connection had gone bad. It went to normal for a few seconds, then flickered again for a longer moment. The environment around Terezi slowly grew in static before the viewport crackled into an image of pure gray static, with only a flash of normal footage every few seconds.

TG: and 1 then 0 i guess  
GC: HOLY SH1T!!!!!  
TG: so what the fucks going on what happened  
GC: 1 DONT KNOW 8[  
GC: BUT TH3 GROUND F33LS R34LLY UNST4BL3 4ND TH3 41RS PR1CKLY  
GC: MY 1NV3NTORY SYST3M 1S FUCK1NG UP 1 C4N B4R3LY 3V3N GR4B MY W34PON W1THOUT SOM3TH1NG WRONG POPP1NG OUT FROM TH3 SYLL4D3X 1NST34D!  
GC: WH4T 4BOUT ON YOUR 3ND  
TG: yeah this is complete garbage  
TG: my viewports all fucked up the statics so thick i can barely even make out that theres a person on the screen let alone figure out your surroundings  
TG: basically i cant see jack shit  
GC:   
GC: HOW HORR1BL3 TH4T MUST B3  
GC: 1 C4NT 3V3N 1M4G1N3  
TG: shut up this is actually relevant right now  
TG: how do you expect us to figure out whats going on if neither of us can see  
GC: 1M TRY1NG TO 4SK 4ROUND BUT TH3 OTH3RS 31TH3R 4R3NT R3PLY1NG OR TH3Y DONT KNOW WH4T TH3 H3LLS GO1NG ON 31TH3R SO F4R :\  
TG: beautiful  
TG: fucking hell you guys even got it worse than we did at least we only had one glitch not a fucking hurricane made of it  
GC: TH1S 1S SO 4NNOY1NG >:[  
GC: YOUR3 GO1NG TO B3 US3L3SS TO M3 L1K3 TH1S 4R3NT YOU  
TG: pretty much  
GC: L4M3!!! L34RN TO S33 W1TH YOUR TONGU3 OR SOM3TH1NG  
GC: 4R3NT YOU 4N 4L13N  
TG: yeah even if that was possible which it aint  
TG: dont think thatd fix the problem that its the computer fucking up here and not my perceptive abilities  
GC: BLUH BLUH BLUH  
GC: M4YB3 SOLLUX C4N DO SOM3TH1NG 4BOUT 1T >:\  
TG: who  
GC: OUR PROGR4MM3R  
TG: oh that guy  
TG: haha he was a fucking riot  
GC: GOOD YOUV3 M3T H1M NOW 1 WONT H4V3 TO 3XPL41N 4S MUCH TO H1M  
TG: uh wait actually  
TG: maybe dont tell him about me  
TG: t-z  
TG: terezi?  
GC: OHHH MY GOD  
GC: B4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4 WH4T TH3 H3LL D1D YOU S4Y TO H1M  
GC: H3 FUCK1NG H4T3S YOU COOLK1D!!  
GC: TH1S 1S H1L4R1OUS  
TG: yeah i mightve thrown some less than advisable threats his way earlier  
TG: in my defense the guy was a douche  
GC: DONT WORRY 1 KNOW TH4T  
TG: hes not going to refuse to help just to spite me is he  
GC: N4H H3 W1LL DO 1T OR F4C3 MY WR4TH  
GC: 4ND 1 C4UGHT H1M 1N ON3 OF H1S MOR3 L41D B4CK MOODS 4NYW4Y  
TG: you think hes actually capable of this  
TG: he seemed kinda incompetent from where i was sitting  
GC: H3S 4N 4SS BUT H3 KNOWS H1S SH1T DONT WORRY  
GC: G1V3 H1M 4 CH4LL3NG3 4ND H3 W1LL STRUT H1S STUFF 1N NO T1M3  
GC: H1S 4NGRY R4MBL3S 4BOUT YOU 1NVOLV3D SOM3TH1NG 4BOUT T34R1NG 1NTO WH4T3V3R TR1CK YOU PL4Y3D ON H1M 4ND M4K1NG SUR3 1T WONT WORK N3XT T1M3  
TG: well now i almost want to give it a shot again to prove him wrong  
GC: L3T M3 KNOW HOW 1T GO3S  
TG: nah not gonna bother itll just be a pain in the ass  
TG: unless i get bored  
GC: F41R 3NOUGH :]  
GC: H3S GOT SOM3TH1NG FOR US TO T3ST OUT BY TH3 W4Y  
\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "gliitched_2creen_fiix.zip" --  
GC: D1D YOU G3T TH3 F1L3 4TT4CHM3NT  
TG: yeah but im kinda not so sure about opening it  
TG: he has it out for me  
TG: this is just gonna be full of porn and loud music that i cant get rid of isnt it  
GC: H3 KNOWS 1D GO 4LL L4WY3R ON H1S 4SS 4ND S3ND H1M STR41GHT TO WH1NY B4BY J41L 1F H3 FUCK3D US BOTH OV3R FOR TH3 S4K3 OF 4 GRUDG3 WH3N SH1TS TH1S S3R1OUS  
TG: blaming you if my computer explodes  
TG: but k

Dave was still ready to run a sword through his computer at the first sign that the executable Terezi had sent him was about to infect his hardware with loud screaming WAV files or something. Almost to his surprise, after he double-clicked the file inside the zip and ran the installation, all it did was add an icon onto the corner of Trollian.

Nothing else changed, for the worse or for the better.

TG: guy must be outta practice or shittier than you give him credit for  
TG: cos that did jackshit  
GC: NUTS :[

As soon as Terezi's message came through, the static on the viewport faded away, revealing the familiar sight of Terezi on her planet. Difference being, her planet was fucking covered in graphical glitches the likes of which even the shittiest game devs wouldn't let pass for an alpha build, let alone the shipped product.

TG: spoke too soon  
TG: think this add-ons activated by replies from your end  
GC: !!!! SO YOU C4N S33 M3 CL34RLY NOW  
TG: hard to call it clearly  
TG: but im pretty sure all the static and glitches on the screen are actually in your game instead of a weirdass problem with my monitor  
TG: progress right  
GC: R1GHT!! :D  
TG: we got any hints on whats caused this crap yet  
GC: SOM3TH1NG 1S M4YB3 H4PP3N1NG ON K4N4Y4S PL4N3T :? BUT 1 DONT KNOW 1F 1TS R3L4T3D 4ND NO ON3 TH3R3 1S R3PLY1NG Y3T  
TG: aright whatever we can worry about it later we got time still  
TG: brb for two of your seconds

He paused her timeline before leaning back in his chair and pulling out his headphones. "Yo, guys?"

The keyboards clacks went silent as the other three glanced his direction.

He pointed at his monitor. "Anyone else get to the glitched up spot on the timeline yet?"

Jade shook her head. "I won't be there for a little while yet!"

"I might soon-ish," John said with a shrug.

Rose's forehead creased as she checked her status on Trollian. "Working with Kanaya on her walkthrough requires that I stick to the beginning of their game pretty closely for now."

"Yeah, cool, don't care." Dave tapped two fingers against the desk. "Point is, it's fucked up to hell and back and you're not gonna be able to see a damn thing once you get there. S'all right, though, Terezi and I got one of the other alien dweebs to cook up a work-around if you wanna install a Trollian add-on."

Rose frowned. "You're sure it's not a malicious file, even accidentally? Trollian is beyond their technological comprehension, I thought."

He shrugged. "Works on my end so far."

"We can always uninstall it or switch to new computers if it goes bad," John said.

Rose nodded slowly. "All right, send the file over. A _reminder_ , however," she said, raising her voice for attention. "We can accept file transfers, but we are _still_ not replying to turntechGodhead for as long as Daveglitch is logged into that account."

Dave rolled his eyes, for as little as anyone saw behind his shades. "Yeah, my account's still infected with the glitch-plague." He opened chat windows with the other three and uploaded the file as an attachment to all of them. "Better watch out."

John tilted his head. "How come he gets to talk to the humans then?" he asked Rose.

"He's sending a signal into another dimension, not to us. I don't think it would be of much use for Daveglitch to intercept that."

Yeah, whatever, Dave still thought Rose was being a paranoid control freak about quarantining his username, but who cared? Not like the only people worth trolling weren't in the same block as him.

"Strider?" Rose said before he could put his headphones back in. She gave him a soft smile. "Good work."

He shrugged, keeping his pokerface strong to make sure his discomfort couldn't slip through. Yeah, he was handling things with the humans fucking great. No incriminating evidence in his chatlogs at all. "Ain't nothing."


	20. Act 2.8

"Um, Rose?" Jade perked up with a smile when Rose glanced her direction. "I need to borrow your human for a bit!"

Rose paused her timeline before turning her full attention to Jade. "Oh?"

Jade nodded. "Yes, since she is this session's Space player and I am the most qualified to help her with the frog breeding." She rocked on the balls of her feet, trying to look as sheepish about her meddling as she felt. "Weeeell, actually I already borrowed her. I just thought I'd warn you when you come across that point in her timeline, that she'll be heading back to her planet for her Space player duties."

Rose opened her mouth to say something, her expression still only curious and thankfully not changing to annoyed, but John beat her to the punch.

"Why don't you use the same appearifier trick you and Dave found?" he said, leaning back in his chair. "Wouldn't that be faster?"

"We tried that, actually!" Jade said, turning towards him while careful not to turn her back on Rose either. "But we haven't gotten it to work yet. Karkat doesn't have much patience for machines."

Dave snorted, the first indicator he was even listening in on the conversation. Jade wondered if his headphones were on a quiet song. "Yeah, he probably can't get the timing right without a badass like me there," he said, not even glancing their direction -- as far as Jade could tell, with his eyes covered and all.

"Regardless," Rose said quickly before the boys could interrupt again, waving a hand, "it would probably be more beneficial for Kanaya to document the proper strategy instead of the shortcut version." She smiled. "I'm willing to relinquish my alien ward to your care."

"You're nabbing everyone's humans, Jade!" John said with a smirk. "Are you going to take Terezi from Dave next?"

"Not happening," Dave said, hands moving across his keyboard even as he spoke. "I'm way ahead of you assholes on the timeline anyway."

Jade playfully gave John's shoulder a nudge as she passed him on the way back to her computer station. "Yeah, John, or maybe instead I will just take Vriska too."

John pulled at his hair in exaggerated anguish. "Noooo, I don't want to go back to the gross towel guy!"

She giggled as she flopped back into her seat. The atmosphere in the lab had changed so much in just a couple hours that it was hard to remember they were still in mortal danger sometimes. She preferred it that way. They were going to get out of this mess anyway.

She unpaused the timeline in Trollian, the viewport focused on Kanaya's ocean-covered planet.

GG: back!  
GA: So You Have Told Her Then  
GG: yep!!!  
GG: she knows now :D  
GA: Oh Good  
GA: I Do Not Completely Follow How This Nonlinearity Goes Sometimes But I Am Glad She Will Not Somehow Be Taken Off Guard By Our Earlier Lack of Foresight  
GG: heheh nope! thats not how timeloops work or so i am told! if you remember it happening in a certain way itll stay that way :D  
GG: unless its a doomed timeline i guess o___o  
GA: Yes You See So I Am Not Just Being Paranoid  
GG: yeah..... thankfully i do not think thats the case or we could not talk right now  
GG: so werent you awake on prospit early like i was? i would have thought seeing all the visions from skaias clouds would have gotten you at least a liiiittle used to events happening in a nonlinear order  
GA: I Suppose  
GA: But I Havent Acted Upon Those Visions Very Often  
GA: It Seemed Unfair To The Others Especially When They Are Already Tired Of The Amount That I Already Meddle  
GG: really?  
GG: hmm i guess i never thought of it that way.....  
GG: i took them as a sign to give the others little pushes in the correct direction  
GG: and it turned out pretty well! but im sure your strategy works for you too  
GA: I Certainly Hope So Because Sometimes It Has Been Quite Trying Not To Butt Into Their Plans  
GA: On A Similar Note  
GA: Are You Sure We Should Not Plan To Go Near The Denizens Lair Anytime Soon  
GG: yeah denizens are scary and toooough so definitely avoid them as long as you can!!!  
GA: Well  
GA: Its Just That I Saw My Denizen In The Clouds On Skaia  
GA: And It Did Not Appear Hostile  
GA: In Fact I Seemed Quite Calm In Spite Of Its Presence  
GA: Which Makes Me Believe I May Need To Confront This Monster Soon If We Want To Succeed In These Attempts At Stoking The Forge  
GG: errr D: well ok but please be ready to run!!  
GG: youre really not a high enough level to take on a denizen yet!  
GA: I Will Exercise Caution  
GA: And Continue Our Efforts For Now Until It Seems Necessary To Approach The Denizen  
GG: yeah good idea dont take a risk in case you dont have to!  
GG: and you can always level up and come back later if you have to defeat your denizen after all to get the water levels down  
GA: Yes And Ive Been Climbing My Echeladder Quite Steadily With Aid From Roses Suggestions  
GG: so how are you getting along with rose anyway? :)  
GA: She Is Quite Clever And An Enjoyable Conversationalist  
GA: I Do Not Regret Teaming Up With Her In The Slightest So Far  
GG: heheh awww  
GG: rose is pretty great <3  
GA: Quite  
GA: And To My Great Relief She Is Not Remotely As Evil As I Was Made To Believe  
GG: what?  
GG: you thought shed be evil????  
GA: Well I Was Similarly Surprised By You  
GG: where did you get the impression id be evil? D:  
GA: The Others Had Less Pleasant Encounters With You Or So I Have Gathered  
GA: I Also Had One Similar Incident But  
GA: Oh I Believe Karkat Wants To Speak With You  
GA: Im Not Sure I Would Recommend It Though  
GG: uh oh  
GG: no i better do that then... brb!!!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

GG: kanaya said you wanted something?  
EB: JADE, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY GODDAMN PAIRS OF SOCKS I'LL NEED TO ALCHEMIZE IF I WANT TO KEEP MY FEET DRY FOR THE DURATION OF THIS STUPIDASS QUEST?  
EB: AT LEAST TWO THOUSAND  
EB: MILLION  
EB: AND THEN SOME  
EB: ENOUGH THAT ALL THE GRIST AVAILABLE IN BOTH OUR SESSIONS WON'T BE ABLE TO COVER THE AMOUNT OF SOCKS ALCHEMIZED.  
EB: AND THAT'S NOT EVEN COUNTING THE ENDLESS PARADE OF SOAKED SHOES THAT NEED REPLACING.  
GG: im sorry its wet buuut is there something you needed that i can actually give advice on?  
GG: some codes for better footwear maybe?  
EB: IF I HAVE TO RESORT TO ALCHEMIZING A PAIR OF YELLOW GODDAMN RAIN BOOTS I'LL HAVE TO MAKE A PAPER BAG NEXT TO GO OVER MY HEAD.  
EB: KANAYA WILL NEVER LET ME HEAR THE END OF IT ANYWAY.  
EB: SHE'D PROBABLY BAN ME FROM HER PLANET UNTIL I TAKE REMEDIAL COURSES ON FASHION.  
GG: well if the alternative is feet that bother you this much.....  
EB: THE ALTERNATIVE SHOULD BE A QUEST THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE TRAIPSING AROUND A WATERLOGGED PLANET!  
GG: we are working on it karkat!  
GG: kanaya will get that forge going in no time and im sure that will improve the environmental conditions  
GG: but for now you can catch the frogs in the shallow areas to save time :)  
EB: THIS IS A FUCKING WASTE OF TIME IS WHAT IT IS.  
GG: hehe but catching frogs looks fun!  
GG: if it is bothering you that much you could always try to get that appearifier trick to work  
EB: FUCK THAT, WE'RE PLAYING THIS GAME RIGHT AND NOT USING ANY GODDAMN SHORTCUTS.  
EB: WE'RE NOT DESPERATE LOSERS LIKE YOU GUYS.  
GG: okay our seer thinks thats probably the better plan anyway  
GG: but if you change your mind im sure you could probably talk to dave for advice on how to get the timing with the buttons right!  
EB: DAVE?  
GG: turntechgodhead :)  
GG: he was our knight and helped with the frog breeding  
EB: HELL.  
EB: FUCKING.  
EB: NO.  
EB: I WOULD RATHER STICK MY ARM INTO A DISEASED COW'S RECTUM FULL OF ACID DIARRHEA BEFORE I TALKED TO THAT ARROGANT DICK-FONDLING FUCKFACE AGAIN.  
GG: what???  
GG: why??  
GG: dave is awesome!!  
EB: OH GOD, IS IDIOCY YOUR DEADLY FLAW? I KNEW YOU WERE TOO SANE TO BE TRUE.  
GG: hey!!!!  
GG: seriously dave is my super cool friend and theres no reason to be such a jerk about him!!  
EB: DEATH THREATS ARE SUPER COOL?  
EB: HARASSING MY FRIENDS IS SUPER COOL?  
EB: HARLEY, WHAT THE HELL DOES "COOL" MEAN TO ALIENS? BECAUSE IN HUMAN TERMS, YOUR FRIEND "DAVE" IS ABOUT AS "COOL" AS JUMPING INTO A FURNACE.  
GG: death threats???  
GG: what death threats?????  
EB: ...YOU MEAN YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW?  
GG: know WHAT?!!  
EB: IT'S... HANG ON.  
EB: I'VE STILL GOT A COPY OF THE FUCKING PESTERLOG. READ THIS PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A SENTIENT BEING TRYING TO CONVERSE FOR YOURSELF.  
\-- ectoBiologist [EB] sent gardenGnostic [GG] the file "DOUCHEMUFFINCONVO.TXT" --  
GG: >:O !!!!  
GG: BRB

She got to her feet and shouted " _DAVE STRIDER_!" so loud that even Dave jumped. He barely had his headphones out before she stomped over, leaning in so close that she could see the outline of his eyes behind the shades.

He leaned back in his chair as far as he could without actually scooting away. "Harley, what the _hell_?"

" _Untitled 37: Red on Canvas_?" she said through gritted teeth.

The confusion barely visible on his face faded, replaced by honest-to-god nervousness.

"Holy shit," John whispered a smidge too loud not to hear. His mouth was agape. "Jade can get that angry?"

Rose stared at them with a more neutral expression, as if unsure whether to intervene, though she raised her eyebrows all the same. "Jade," she said with careful enunciation, "what's going on?"

"This _dummy_ ," Jade threw a finger in Dave's face, "is why the humans refused to cooperate with us!"

Rose got to her feet. "What?"

"He sent them violent threats! Or at least he sent some to Karkat, but from how the others reacted to me, I'm pretty sure he did more than that!"

Rose's lips went thin as she turned her attention to Dave. "Is that true?"

Dave lounged in his seat as if he was his usual cool self and not even a little worried about the accusations lobbed at him, but Jade was close enough to see his limbs go tense. "Trolling these alien assholes is just a distraction from the fact we're all going to fucking die anyway." He shrugged. "Might as well make it entertaining," he muttered.

John let out a dismayed yell. " _Dave_! What the fuck, man!"

Dave winced. "It was stupid, all right?"

"No shit." Rose strode over, her cold gaze burning into Dave. "I need to look over your chatlogs."

"Dude, that shit's private."

"You forfeited the right to privacy when your chats led to possibly jeopardizing our entire operation, Strider!" Rose snapped, teeth bared in the second it took her to regain her composure. "Either you can grant me access to your account or you can bow out of touching another keyboard for as long as we're on this rock."

Dave sighed, got to his feet, and backed away from his work station. He gestured at the computer. "Fine, go get yourself off on all that sweet privacy violation then. I ain't got anything to be embarrassed by."

Rose nodded. "Jade, keep watch over him."

"What the hell, am I some kind of prisoner now?" Dave said with a scowl.

"Until I've confirmed all you've done is be your usual idiot self and nothing more insidious?" Rose said, positioning herself in front of his computer as she glared at him from over her shoulder. "Yes, you can consider yourself under detainment."

Dave's mouth twitched but he didn't argue or resist when Jade caught his sleeve and led him to a corner of the lab to settle on the floor together.

John joined Rose at Dave's computer, reading over her shoulder as she scrolled through Dave's chatlogs. Rose studied them in silence, but John kept letting out startled gasps and hissing "Fucking seriously?" under his breath. He glanced their direction with wide eyes as if he could scarcely believe what he was reading, let alone digest it.

Jade tried not to think too hard on what Dave could have written -- what he'd subjected Karkat to was bad enough. She didn't want to be angry with him longer than she had to. They needed to work together and stay friends! (Rose would take care of any punishments or lectures needed anyway, she was sure of that much.)

"You know, we're not actually going to die here," she said quietly.

"Man," Dave said, "if that's what you gotta think to keep going, knock yourself out."

She nudged his arm. "It's true. We're going to work together with the humans and find a way out of this, Dave. And you're going to think you were being soooo silly for doubting it." She grinned.

"And where'd you get that impression?" he said with a slight smirk. "How do you figure that's a certainty, in a shitty place like this?"

"Because I'll personally make sure of it," Jade said and had never meant anything more in her life. "And if I didn't, then Rose or John would. Or you would."

"Would I? Man, what makes you think you're a mindreader suddenly?" He leaned back against the wall. "Ain't that a ceruleanblood trait? One Egbert missed out on, no less."

"Don't lie to me, Dave, you tooootally would make sure we don't die if I didn't. I'm pretty sure you already did in another timeline, or Daveglitch wouldn't exist."

His brow furrowed. "Maybe. It's not a big deal, just doing what I gotta."

She nodded. "Yeah. We gotta protect each other, it's not even optional." She leaned a shoulder against his. "One reason, actually, that I'm determined we'll figure out what's going on with all this glitch stuff in the human session is so we can find a way to save Daveglitch from the icky crap that's making him attack us. He's probably just as scared as we are."

"I'm not scared."

She giggled. "Suuure."

Rose backed away from the computer with a sigh and they both fell silent, Jade slipping a hand over Dave's wrist. John straightened as well, following her over to them.

Rose covered her face with her hand. "We really didn't have time for this. If you were anyone other than my friend, Strider, you'd be lucky if all I did was snap off your horns for this indiscretion." She lowered her arm, glaring at Dave. "If you think our endeavor is pointless, if you're so certain we're just waiting to die, then go ahead and leave. Face off against Daveglitch now instead of dragging it out."

Dave didn't move, or respond in any way other than tilting his head up to meet her gaze with his shades.

John broke the silence first. "Bro, you didn't actually mean that shit, right?" he said desperately.

Dave shrugged, frowning a bit. "Mighta at the time. I don't actually give a fuck anymore."

"Well just don't do it again, bulgebite!" John said.

"Got it, dude." Dave got to his feet, pulling Jade up with him. "I've long since retired the mantle of creeping on weakass humans for shits and giggles, promise ya."

John relaxed and nodded, but Rose still frowned.

"The only reason I'm letting you near a computer again is because you seem to be making genuine progress with Terezi," she said, crossing her arms. "However, if you try contacting anyone outside of her from here on, I'll tie you to a damn chair and make you sit in the corner."

Dave held his hands up in surrender. "Yeah, I've caught on to that. Fuck up again, needles in ganderbulbs, right?"

"It will be tempting, that's for certain," Rose muttered, rubbing at her temple.

Jade forced a smile. "Okay, well, we've got that settled, right? Let's get back to work. We all have catching up to do now." She knew she should have left off that last bit from the way Rose winced at it, but she only received agreements.

She gave Dave a reassuring pat before they split ways and returned to their stations. She shouldn't have been surprised that he would be any different in a high stakes situation compared to his usual careless attitude. He was exasperating, but they had more important things to concentrate on than how stupid they could sometimes be.

* * *

Rose repressed a shudder. She never thought she'd have to weigh the decision of whether or not to kill a friend, but if Dave had actually taken up the offer to search out Daveglitch on some suicidal mission... If he'd gone to die in a show of foolishness that would lead their enemy right to the meteor... The line of thought made her queasy. She just thanked whatever gods were out there that Dave still had some common sense left in him.

She felt a pap on her shoulder and she jumped. John leaned closer, continuing the paps.

"John, what-"

"Shoosh. You're totally tense and need this."

She rolled her eyes. "Imagine that. What in the world would cause tension in a situation like this?" She smirked, catching his hand.

He scooted his chair closer and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, papping her again with his free hand. It was so relaxing, but...

"John, we can't waste time like this," she murmured, leaning into him despite herself. "The human session lasts over a week and we have less than a day to communicate with them if that countdown is any indicator."

"Shoooooooosh." He nuzzled the side of a horn against her scalp. "We've got time, don't worry. You have a big time jump coming up with Kanaya anyway."

She closed her eyes. "And what about Vriska?"

"I'll time jump with her more often too. She's almost strong enough to take on her denizen," he said and she smiled at the tinge of pride she caught in his voice. "She can survive without my constant guidance, Rose."

"You're a terrible influence." She burrowed against him.

"I'm a fucking great moirail, you mean."

She snorted. "Same difference."

He held her a long moment, papping the back of her head and whispering soft shooshes. She was almost relaxed enough to sleep, if that wasn't the most foolish notion she'd ever heard.

She shook him off with a sigh. "I'm fine now, thank you. We have work to do."

"Once we're safe and done with this game, we're gonna have the most intense cuddle pile and feelings jam ever, okay?" he said.

She couldn't help but smile. "Then I'll look forward to it."

That seemed to placate him and he finally scooted his chair back into place. She caught him glancing her direction more often than usual, but she decided not to comment as she picked up her conversation with Kanaya.

They were recording the usage and properties of the Gates -- it was so hard for Rose to resist just sending Kanaya a copy of the finished walkthrough, but it wasn't worth the paradox. They'd almost finished when Kanaya changed the subject abruptly.

GA: It Appears The Troll Known As Jade Wants My Attention  
GA: Do You Know Her  
GA: Is She Safe  
TT: Yes. I apologize for anyone's crass behavior in the past and I assure you that Jade absolutely only has the best intentions in contacting you.  
TT: She warned me she would need to work with you in the near future.  
GA: I See  
GA: Then I Suppose We Shall Part Ways For The Time Being  
TT: That may be best. I'm sure I would do a satisfactory job leading you through your quest, but she has first-hand experience with the frogs.  
TT: Unfortunately, you don't finish your task before the glitch takes over my viewport, so I won't be able to pinpoint when I should contact you again afterwards. I'll have to leave that in Jade's capable hands as well.  
GA: I Will Look Forward To Our Next Communication Then  
TT: Thank you.  
TT: And I'll just have to make do with another human until that time.  
GA: Perhaps You Could Speak To My Brother Instead  
TT: Brother?  
GA: You Already Met Him Once But That Was Before I Learned Of Our Familial Relation  
TT: Oh. Eridan.  
GA: Yes  
GA: As Odd As The Discovery Was It Is Quite A Relief To Be His Sister  
GA: He Has Flirted With Me Considerably Less Since Then  
GA: However Im Far More Concerned With The Concept That I Share Genes With His Gross Uncle  
GA: Oh Well I Will Take Comfort In The Knowledge That My Mothers Genes Were Clearly Stronger In Me  
TT: This is completely beyond me. I hope we have a cooldown period at a later point in which we can more thoroughly compare and contrast the reproductive methods in our species and the "families" you humans pick up versus our lusii.  
TT: Wishful thinking.  
TT: Anyway, I assume you wouldn't bring Eridan up as a suggestion for no particular reason.  
GA: He Has Been Badgering Me To Learn More About Your Magic  
GA: Excuse Me  
GA: Advanced Science  
TT: Well. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to make sure a member of your party is capable of the dark arts.  
GA: That Sounds Alarming But Ill Trust Your Judgment That It Is More Helpful Than Harmful  
TT: Even though we haven't known each other long, hm?  
GA: I Do Not Believe Youd Have Reason To Harm Us  
GA: And You Have Been Quite Cordial To Me So Far  
GA: So Yes  
GA: Unless You Give Me Reason To Doubt In The Future I Do Not Think I Would Be Mistaken To Trust Your Judgment  
TT: Thanks for the vote of confidence, then.  
TT: I'll try to make sure it isn't misplaced.  
TT: Do you need help finishing up the last of that paragraph?  
GA: No Thank You I Think I Have It  
GA: I Will Hear From You Later Im Sure

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

She hadn't particular enjoyed communicating with Eridan before, but it was that, twiddle her thumbs, or find another human to mentor in some form while she waited for Jade to finish helping Kanaya. She hesitantly opened a new chat window.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

TT: Kanaya said you were interested in learning more about the dark arts of magic?  
CA: that lyin ectosis  
CA: wwe both knoww magics not real dont think for twwo seconds i actually believve otherwwise  
CA: im just interested in the powwers this game comes wwith that appears like magic to the less observvant  
CA: and i heard you kneww a thing or twwo about it  
TT: As it so happens, I do.  
TT: I can guide you to utilizing your powers to their full potential, if you want, and we can argue semantics of it never.  
CA: and yknoww you dont got to make up excuses to contact me  
CA: we can alwways start somethin up regardless of all this game shit  
TT: Apologies. You're quite frustrating, but you're not my type for a caliginous relationship.  
CA: wwhat  
TT: Nothing. Cultural differences. It would never work out anyway.  
TT: Let's just get started on alchemizing a magic wand.  
CA: you mean a science wwand  
TT: ...  
TT: Fine. A science wand.

On the bright side, she thought bitterly, at least she would gain a new appreciation for Kanaya whenever she had the luxury of returning to her chatlog.


	21. Act 2.9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning that the Major Character Death tag is about to become more relevant from here on out.

Kanaya's denizen didn't attack her. As far as Jade could tell, it didn't do anything at all. She remembered all too well stepping up to confront Echidna and having to dodge a quill-covered tail almost as soon as she passed the threshold, but Kanaya received no such welcome.

Despite being the same denizen in a separate session, Echidna let Kanaya approach without harm. She even appeared to be speaking to her. Jade fast-forwarded through the timeline, almost afraid to look in case Echidna struck after all and she was about to watch Kanaya die a sudden, spiky death. Instead Kanaya turned away and left unscathed.

No sooner had she stepped outside than the volcano on her planet roared to life. The forge was lit and the water levels were already beginning to lower, yet Echidna wasn't even dead.

GG: what happened?? o___o   
GA: We Talked Mostly   
GA: It Was Surreal But Good I Think   
GG: she didnt threaten you at all?   
GA: No   
GA: She Tried To Give Me Something Called The Choice   
GA: But She Could Not Access It For Some Reason   
GA: Her Words Turned To Static Every Time She Tried   
GA: So She Gave Up And Just Lit The Forge Anyway   
GG: all these buggy side effects in your game really dont bode well..... :\   
GG: but at least it means you didnt have to fight her!   
GA: I Wonder   
GG: ?   
GA: If Perhaps We Arent Meant To Fight Them At All   
GG: hmmmmmmm maybe thats unique to sburb?   
GG: cos the ones in sgrub were reeeeally aggressive   
GA: I Will Be Cautious In Noting That Denizens Are Unpredictable In My Writings Then   
GA: If We Cannot Determine What Causes The Hostility Present In Your Session   
GG: yeah thats probably best   
GA: I Should Let Karkat Know That The Water Is Going Down And We Will Be Able To Complete Our Frog Hunt Soon   
GG: yay!!! :D

Managing her Trollian chat windows soon became a juggling act. It was bad enough that she had to choose when to hop in during the timeline and when to let it flow without her influence, but she also swapped between Kanaya's window and Karkat's. She almost forgot to pause the timeline on the unused chat more than once.

She'd known that the frog breeding overlapped with the beginning of the glitched up area on their timeline, but she hadn't expected that they'd be so close to finishing the genesis frog as the glitch neared. It made it all the more nerve-racking as they slowly but surely were running out of frogs they needed to collect.

It was almost painful to call the hunt off when they were almost done, but the timing was too close to risk.

GG: hey karkat?   
GG: you should head back to kanaya soon   
GG: youre about five minutes from the glitch and we still havent figured out what causes it   
EB: YEAH, GOT IT, JUST LET ME GRAB THIS LAST DAMN FROG.

She almost argued, but he was already diving at the bright-colored frog before she could type a single word. She closed one eye, almost afraid to peek when he was moving recklessly soooo close to the edge of a hill. He snatched the frog before it could hop off the cliff and tossed it into his sylladex immediately -- he'd learned to do that after one peed on him when he held it too long.

Triumphant, he made a sharp turn and promptly fell down the cliff after all. Jade winced, but it wasn't too far of a fall and he landed safely on his feet, no sign of broken bone.

GG: clutz :p   
EB: THAT WASN'T FUCKING ME. THE GROUND GAVE OUT.   
GG: suuuure ;) that is definitely the story we will give the others!   
EB: JADE, THIS ISN'T FUCKING FUNNY. I CAN'T MOVE.   
GG: what?

Something did look odd, and he wasn't moving more than a couple inches at a time, but she hadn't thought anything of it until he mentioned it. She zoomed in on the viewport, her eyes going wide. She changed the angle just to be sure she was seeing it right.

He wasn't right against the hill as she'd assumed; he was _inside_ of it, as if it was intangible.

GG: youre clipping through the ground O_O   
GG: umm   
GG: ummmm that is definitely not supposed to happen!!   
EB: NO SHIT! HOW DO I GET OUT?   
GG: i   
GG: i dont know?? this never happened to us   
EB: WHAT   
GG: you really can't move out of it?   
EB: NO. IT'S LIKE   
EB: FUCK, I DON'T KNOW, IT'S LIKE I'M STUCK IN JELLY OR SOMETHING.   
EB: I CAN ALMOST MOVE, BUT WHEN I GET TOO FAR IT SNAPS ME BACK INTO PLACE.   
GG: let me contact someone else for help!   
EB: WAIT, DON'T GO

She moved her cursor to check each of the other ten remaining humans, even the ones who refused to talk to her, but none of them were close enough to reach him before the glitch activated. Even Kanaya was clear on the other side of the planet, working with the appearifier again. Jade wished she could go back in the timeline and warn Kanaya to stick closer to her frog breeding partner, but she didn't dare play with time and risk making another doomed timeline.

She scanned the area around Karkat and was relieved to at least find a Gate nearby. That opened up their options a little. Karkat's friend TC (she still hadn't caught on to everyone's names yet) was the closest distance to the connecting gate. Unless he was much faster than he looked, he'd still be too late, but it was better than nothing. 

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] \--

GG: karkats in trouble on loraf!!   
TC: WeLl ShIt. ThAt's A rEaL eAsY wAy To RuIn A mOtHeRfUcKeR's DaY.   
TC: iS mY gOoD bRo KeEpInG hImSeLf AlL rIgHt?   
GG: i dont know D:   
GG: i hope so!!!   
GG: but if you can scoot off and find the gate to loraf that would be a lot safer i think!   
TC: AnYtHiNg FoR a BrOtHeR, mAn. :o)   
TC: hOnK.

\-- terminallyCapricious [TC] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

To be safe, she scanned for the second closest human who could help as well. She thought this one was called Nepeta? She had been mean before (though it was understandable, now that she knew what Dave had pulled), but it was worth a try.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] \--

GG: ok i know you want to eat me and probably dont want to hear from me   
GG: but karkats in danger on loraf and youre one of the closest players who can reach him!   
AC: :33 < *blinks* karcats in trouble?   
GG: yes!! your game is about to be infected and he got caught clipping through a graphical glitch   
AC: :33 < *ac paces a bit as she ponders the wisdom of trusting a wicked troll*   
AC: :33 < *in the end, she decides karkats safety is more impurrtant than the risk she is being tricked*   
AC: :33 < i will go to karcats aid! *she says bravely*   
AC: :33 < but furst i have to scrounge up my brother or he will have a hissyfit that i went adventuring without him again

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

Jade let out a sigh of relief. As frustrating as they were to deal with, at least the humans were good teammates to each other! For one final effort, she sent Kanaya a short warning that she should track down Karkat as well. With that, she hoped the rescue party was as sufficient as she could make it.

She returned to Karkat less than five seconds after she'd left him, from his point of view.

GG: no one is close enough that they can reach you before the glitch starts up   
GG: tc and some others are coming though!!   
EB: GREAT. THAT'S EXACTLY WHO I WANT TO SEE IN AN EMERGENCY. A HIGH JUGGALO.   
GG: i thought you were friends?   
EB: GAMZEE IS MY BEST FRIEND AND MY SURPRISE ECTO-BROTHER. THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE HAS A FUNCTIONING BRAIN.   
EB: HAVE YOU ASKED HIM WHAT HIS FUCKING CLOWN OBSESSION IS ACTUALLY ABOUT LATELY? HE CAN'T FUCKING TELL YOU, BECAUSE HE'S TOO GODDAMN THICK TO NOTICE THE "IRONIC HIPSTER BIGOTRY JK IT'S FUNNY SO IT'S NOT OFFENSIVE" CULTURE THAT CROPPED UP AROUND IT. HE JUST SAYS "hAhA kArKaT wE dOn'T aLlOw ThAt KiNd Of MoThErFuCkInG bEhAvIoR iN tHe DaRk CaRnIvAl" IF I TELL HIM WHAT THE SHITBAG JUGGALOS AT MY SCHOOL HAVE PULLED.   
EB: THAT'S THE KIND OF IDIOT YOU CALLED TO BE MY SAVIOR.   
GG: um :x sorry i guess?? i dont really know what that means   
EB: IT MEANS YOU FUCKED UP, BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW? YOU'RE NO LESS INCOMPETENT THAN THE REST OF US.   
EB: WHAT KIND OF SHITTY GAME IS THIS ANYWAY? DID THEY NOT PLAYTEST THE DAMN THING? WE'RE ALREADY WAITING ON ANOTHER GLITCH TO ACTIVATE, HALF THE ENEMIES ARE BORKED, AND NOW THEY CAN'T EVEN GET THEIR DAMN ART ASSETS TO STAY SOLID.   
GG: sgrub didnt have glitches! i do not know why sburb would be any different!   
EB: WHAT IF I CAN'T GET UNSTUCK?   
GG: dont be such a cynic you grump! why wouldnt we be able to pull you free??   
EB: I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT THE TIME I GLITCHED INTO THE SCENERY IN ONE OF GAMZEE'S XBOX GAMES. THE ONLY WAY I COULD FREE MY PLAYER WAS TO RELOAD THE WHOLE DAMN THING FROM THE LAST SAVE STATE.   
EB: JADE, WE DON'T HAVE FUCKING SAVE STATES.   
GG: and you are not digital! it will be okay karkat shoooosh just give your friends a few minutes   
EB: BUT IT'S STARTING TO HURT. :(   
GG: how bad? :x   
EB: REALLY FUCKING BAD. YOU THINK I'D WHINE FOR A PAPERCUT?   
EB: HURTS LIKE IT'S SERIOUSLY GETTING HARD TO GODDAMN BREATHE LEVELS OF BAD, OKAY?   
GG: D:   
EB: OH GOD OH FUCK   
EB: I THINK IT'S SOLIDIFYING   
EB: WHERE THE FUCK IS AN IMP WHEN YOU NEED ONE?   
EB: I DON'T WANT TO DIE TO A FUCKING HILLSIDE   
GG: calm down! it will be okay just hang in there!

She paused Trollian and dug her palms into her eyes. There had to be something she could do that didn't involve wrecking the timeline. There was less than a minute on Karkat's end before the glitch hit and there was no telling how much time he had left if the graphical error really was going to harm him. But if none of the other humans could reach him in time, what did that leave?

She swallowed. Maybe... She'd never tried to use her Space powers through another dimension, but if they still worked, freeing Karkat from a pesky graphical glitch would be a cinch.

It was probably pushing her limits, even as a God Tier, but there was no reason not to try.

Her powers normally came to her like second nature, but as she tried to focus them on the screen in front of her, they felt murky and just beyond her grasp. She bit bown on her bottom lip as she concentrated on targeting Karkat, on shifting the space around him enough that he could slip free.

The hillside glowed, then broke open in a spark of static, leaving a gaping hole in the ground. Instead of giving Karkat the chance to break away, the lack of hill holding him in place only resulted in him falling through the ground, into the inside of the planet. Static overwhelmed the viewport as the camera tried to follow him into the depths of LORAF.

GG: karkat?!?   
GG: oh noooooooooooo D:   
GG: karkat are you there???   
EB: WHOEVER THE HELL DESIGNED THIS GAME...   
EB: THEY HAD BETTER HAVE BEEN FIRED, BLACKLISTED FROM THE INDUSTRY, AND HELD UP AS AN EXAMPLE TO ALL WHO FOLLOWED: HERE STANDS THE BIGGEST DOUCHEBUCKET TO WALK THE EARTH, SECOND ONLY TO THE E.T. ATARI GAME.

The add-on Dave had collected from Terezi activated as Karkat sent his messages, the static letting up. Visibility was still iffy at best, but at least she could see Karkat through the static.

He picked himself up off the... ground, she supposed it was, even though there was nothing beneath him but an endless expanse of whiteness. LORAF's ground was above him; otherwise, the only deviation in the empty scenery was the constant flittering mass of glitching static.

GG: o__o that was kind of unnecessarily vulgar   
GG: but at least youre ok!!   
EB: GLAD SOMEONE THINKS SO. I WAS PRETTY SURE I MUST BE DEAD.   
EB: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PLACE?   
GG: im not sure   
GG: it looks like... an area of a game that was never meant to be reached by players   
GG: like out of bounds   
GG: and thats why there are no graphics down there maybe?   
EB: IS THAT WHY IT'S SO DAMN BUGGY TOO?

The cloud of static billowed about the area, as if pushed by wind. It swirled around Karkat and kept slipping in close, but a dark red barrier the same hue as his Blood aspect glowed around Karkat every time the static got too near. It repelled the cloud back somehow, just before it could make contact.

The more she watched the static's odd behavior, the more it looked... familiar.

"Rose?" she said.

"One moment," Rose muttered. "Eridan's being a major pain in the-"

" _Rose_!" Jade said, barely daring to even blink, let alone glance away from her monitor. "I need you to confirm something, because if this is what I'm afraid it is, it's really, really serious!"

At that Rose was by her side in an instant, eyes narrow as she studied the viewport. Her lips went thin. "Oh god. Jade, tell Karkat to get the fuck away from it."

Jade's bloodpusher plummeted. She'd hoped she was making unnecessary connections -- after all, clouds of glitchy static probably looked alike and it seemed rash to assume this was the same as the one she'd seen before -- but if it made Rose panic that easily, it really was the same static cloud that had exploded from their endgame door. It was the same thing that was controlling Daveglitch.

GG: karkat you need to get out of there!   
EB: ...   
EB: OKAY WELL LET ME JUST SPROUT FUCKING WINGS AND PRACTICE MY FLYING TECHNIQUES RIGHT BACK UP TO THE SURFACE OF THE PLANET LIKE A MAGICAL BUTTERFLY   
EB: OBVIOUSLY THAT'S A THING I CAN DO.   
GG: this is serious!!! i am pretty certain thats the exact same glitchy stuff thats mind controlling my friend and trying to kill us!   
EB: OH WELL IN THAT CASE   
EB: I'M *STILL FUCKING SCREWED*   
EB: SEEING AS THE WAY I FELL IN IS ABOUT TEN GODDAMN FEET ABOVE ME AND I CAN'T EVEN TOUCH IT IF I JUMPED, LET ALONE CLIMB OUT OF IT ENTIRELY   
EB: AND I'M STILL NOT GETTING ANY RESULTS ON THAT SUDDEN WING SPROUTING PLAN   
GG: do you have anything in your inventory that could help???   
EB: YOU THINK I ALCHEMIZED A FUCKING LADDER?   
EB: HOW LONG UNTIL GAMZEE GETS HERE? OR AM I TWELVE SECONDS FROM A VIOLENT MIND CONTROL-INDUCED DEATH?   
GG: well its not harming you so far which is a good thing   
GG: maybe it doesnt work on humans?   
GG: but when it possessed our friend it happened right away :(   
GG: so i dont know why it is taking its time! hopefully your friend gets there fast enough!   
EB: HE PROBABLY STOPPED TO COMMENT TO HIMSELF ON THE COLOR OF THE SKY OR SOMETHING.   
EB: "WhAt a bEaUtIfUl mIrAcLe tHaT ThE SkY'S So mOtHeRfUcKiNg bLuE, wHiCh iS CoMpLeTeLy nOt sCiEnCe-rElAtEd oR AnYtHiNg iN AnY WaY."   
GG: i will see if i can still check on him :\

She expected Gamzee's viewport to be glitched out like Karkat's when she switched to it, but it was clear. When she peered closer, the glitched up markings on the timeline bars started on Karkat's a smidge earlier than on any of the others. She didn't like to hypothesize what that implied.

Gamzee wasn't moving as fast as she'd have liked, but he was on LORAF at least and getting near.

GG: he is almost there!!   
EB: WATCH ME DIE TWO SECONDS BEFORE HE GETS HERE JUST SO THIS GAME CAN SPITE ME ONE FINAL TIME.

Jade let out a sigh of relief as Gamzee poked his head down into the hole Karkat had fallen through. Karkat jumped and spun on him, probably screaming obscenities at him for startling him. Jade chuckled, but when she glanced up, Rose's face was still covered in a grim expression that sent a chill down Jade's torso pillar.

With a careless smile, Gamzee reached as far down as his arm could go and lowered one of his juggling clubs into Karkat's reach. Once Karkat had a hold of it, he started to pull him up and out of the static.

The glitch curled tightly in on itself until it was a mass of static so dark it almost looked black. As Karkat caught Gamzee's hand for the final pull to freedom, the glitch shot up like a giant, dark bullet. It burst out of the hole with such ferocity that Gamzee fell backwards, while Karkat flew up a few feet, glowing red again, before landing safely on the ground next to Gamzee.

Once outside, the glitch exploded.

Static spilled across the air like a dark cloud, expanding every direction so fast that Jade couldn't see any unaffected land within two seconds. LORAF lit up in sparks and static, and game objects that had previously been stable turned to graphical glitches, warping and disappearing for short moments.

It reminded Jade of the worst storms her hive had endured: wind whipping rain at the windows, tearing at tree branches, obscuring visibility so she couldn't see even five feet outside... But instead of rain and lightning, there was static and glitching coating all of Sburb.

Gamzee sat up, the movement jerky and stiff. The usual ease on his face was missing, replaced with a grimace.

She hadn't noticed at first with the environment as distracting as it was, but Gamzee had taken the full brunt of the hit as the glitch broke out of its little out-of-bounds cave. He was coated in static, his limbs glitching into impossible contortions, just like Daveglitch.

"Oh no," Jade whispered.

She couldn't hear them, but Karkat was clearly yelling at Gamzee again as he got to his feet. His furrowed brow and deep scowl lessened at whatever Gamzee said. He took a step back, his eyes going wide. Gamzee followed each step, his weapons dropping into his hands from his specibus.

Karkat scrambled backwards until he almost stumbled on a glitched snag in the ground. He grabbed one of his sickles, holding it up towards Gamzee with a shaking arm. Despite the attempt at an offensive position, he refrained from striking even as Gamzee grew nearer.

Gamzee raised a club and Karkat clenched his eyes shut.

"No!" John yelled.

Jade jumped. At some point, John and Dave had joined Rose in watching Jade's viewport from over her shoulder. If Dave had a reaction, his shades hid it, while John looked almost panicked.

Just before Gamzee could land the blow, Nepeta blurred into view. She slashed her weapon at Gamzee's face, landing a direct hit as she made deep cuts across his features. Gamzee didn't even stumble from the hit, but he stood in a startled daze just long enough for Nepeta to snag Karkat's wrist and run away.

Nepeta's brother -- Equius? Was that what Karkat had called him once? -- hadn't been far behind her and they ran past him in their escape. Instead of following them, he stood his ground, acting as a deterrent to their pursuer.

Jade assumed he was bracing for a fight, but as Gamzee approached, Equius... didn't do anything. He stood in the way, but he wouldn't raise even a fist. Nepeta and Karkat came to a halt to yell at him, either to hurry up and follow them or to raise a weapon -- it was difficult to tell which. Whatever was going on, he refused to lay a hand on Gamzee, even as Gamzee's arm shot out towards his neck.

Gamzee pinned Equius against the hillside -- right next to the hole where Karkat had been stuck -- and pressed down on his throat. Nepeta abandoned her escape attempts and dove at Gamzee, her weapons going for the kill, but even one-handed Gamzee was ready to block her attack. He countered immediately.

Jade had to look away at first glimpse of the blood splatter. She could handle gore and death -- she'd survived for six sweeps hunting at Bec's side -- but these weren't wild fauna meant to sustain her. They were sapient creatures, aliens she was trying to _help_ , and there wasn't anything she could do to save them.

Rose cringed and even Dave's mouth twitched.

"We gotta be able to do something!" John said, eyes darting between the three of them but holding on Rose in particular. "Right?"

"From a universe away, I'm afraid our few options are less than efficacious," Rose said quietly.

"All we can do is _watch_?" John said, crestfallen.

Rose visibly swallowed. "Call it documenting and studying events in hopes we can prevent a repeat."

Jade nodded, forcing herself to look again. Rose was right; they had to do this no matter how uncomfortable it was.

Nepeta and Equius were both collapsed and unmoving on the ground, blood pooling out from Nepeta's lifeless body. Tears streaked down Karkat's cheeks (John let out a whimper) as Gamzee advanced on him again, but he held his sickles with more purpose; his grip didn't look slack and half-assed like last time.

They exchanged blows and that was all it took to see that Karkat was completely outmatched. He managed to block the strike aimed for his head, but it was undoubtedly a lucky break.

Jade was pretty sure that, if Karkat died in the game at all, it at least wasn't this early in the timeline, but she still feared for his life all the way up to the moment that Kanaya reached the scene. Kanaya darted over and struck Gamzee with such a ferocious kick that he actually fell back, going so far as to hesitate when she lunged towards him again.

No sooner had she equipped her lipstick, its blade whirring with such ferocity that Jade could almost hear the roar of the motor, Gamzee hightailed it. He snatched Equius and Nepeta's corpses as if they weighed nothing, taking any chance of reviving them, and he left behind a trail of static as he disappeared through a flickering, glitched Gate.

Both remaining humans dropped to their knees. Kanaya wrapped her arms around Karkat's shaking shoulders, holding him close, and he clung to her.

Trollian apparently decided it had been too long since they'd received a fresh signal, as the add-on timed out on that image. The viewport gradually filled with static until both humans were obscured from view.

They still stared at the monitor in silence for another moment.

"Holy fuck," John whispered. Jade hadn't noticed before that he was clinging to Rose's hand. "So that's where the glitch came from?"

Dave scoffed, running a hand through his hair as if he could actually hide his agitation as indifference. "And we still don't even have a goddamn explanation for it."

Rose frowned deeply. "Jade, it was just... waiting beneath the surface of Kanaya's planet this whole time?"

Jade lowered her head. "Well... I accidentally broke the game's graphics open when I tried to free Karkat from clipping out of a hill. That's when he fell out of bounds and we found the glitch there."

"Shit," Rose muttered, rubbing her temple. "We may need to go backwards in the timeline if we can expect to find any explanations for why there's a fucking mind controlling glitch sitting in the background programming of their damn game. If there even is an explanation and it's not a completely random eccentricity."

"But that doesn't even make sense." Jade groaned. "What's so different between our versions of the game? Why is theirs covered in bugs when ours was fine? What's wrong with Sburb that it houses a giant glitch deep in its bowels when the only glitch we ever found in Sgrub was-" She stopped suddenly, eyes going wide. "Oh no."

"What?" John said.

She slowly held her hands over her mouth. "Oh nooooo." She turned to Dave. He'd been there too, so if she was wrong... if she had it wrong, he'd know. He could correct her. She hoped so much he was going to correct her. "Dave... Dave, the _frog glitch_... We made their Genesis Frog _out of_ a glitch."

The other three went silent.

"Oh god." Rose collapsed onto the nearest chair, staring at the floor. John put his arm around her, papping her half-heartedly as if he wasn't even aware of his own actions.

"Wait, c'mon, it was just a harmless shortcut," Dave said, his emotionless facade giving way to the same guilty nervousness Jade suspected they were all feeling. "There's no way this was _our_ fault."

Rose shook her head. "It wasn't harmless. How many times have any of us exploited a bug in a video game and watched our system freeze? Our inventory lock up? Our save file turn corrupt?"

No one could find the words to argue. Jade's stomach felt like a boulder. She should have done her Space player duties properly. She should have traipsed around her planet with Dave in search of the frogs like Kanaya and Karkat had done.

"But you're sure that's what caused it?" John said quietly.

Rose sighed and stared up at the lab's large viewport, the one with the countdown ticking over a wide shot of Sgrub. Their Genesis Frog was visible in the distance. It used to be the one comfort in the midst of the session that Daveglitch was steadily destroying. "We _all_ know what a seemingly minor glitch can do beneath the surface of a game." She rested her hand over John's. "This one resulted in a Genesis Frog that houses homicidal monsters."


	22. Act 2.10

Shit got kinda quiet in the lab after that. Before Jade had found the glitch, the other three had almost been goddamn cheerful despite their imminent doom and all. Watching the humans face off against the glitch put things right back into "welp, we're all fucked" territory, with a new side helping of "and we can't blame anyone but ourselves, especially Dave."

At least it was preferable to getting chewed out for being a stupid enough bulgelicker to cheat during the frog breeding process -- a stupid enough bulgelicker to utilize an appearifier glitch that let them nab paradox goo without chasing any frogs afterwards, just by hitting Cancel at the right moment -- as if it wouldn't affect the end product.

The other three just quietly got back to work. John and Rose kept trading paps and holding hands, while Jade sat straighter with a more focused expression.

Dave stared at his computer without really taking anything in as he scrolled up Terezi's timeline. His visual alert system with her was fucking broken when he couldn't see her in the viewport without contacting her first, so he'd had to just check in every so often to ask if she needed anything or if he should try again later. It was starting to get boring, but he didn't care anymore.

At least it made a decent distraction from the knowledge he'd fucked everything up.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

TG: sup  
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4 OH GOD TH1S 3XPL41NS 1T  
GC: GO B4CK TH1RTY M1NUT3S

The static let up. Terezi was wandering her planet, going a route he hadn't seen before.

TG: what  
TG: are you fuckin serious i told you we are not doing the nonlinear hoofbeast crap  
GC: OK4Y TH3N 3NJOY YOUR DOOM3D T1M3L1N3 WH1L3 4LPH4 D4V3 GO3S B4CK TH1RTY M1NUT3S TO T4LK TO M3  
TG: gfdi  
TG: thanks i really wanted reassured my willpower means jackshit again  
GC: SORRY NOT SORRY  
GC: 4FT3R YOUR3 DON3 CH3CK B4CK ON TH1S 3ND 1N 4BOUT T3N MOR3 M1NUT3S

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

God damn it. He resisted the urge to facepalm and instead scrolled back by thirty minutes, because what choice did he have? Great reminder of why he didn't miss time travel.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

TG: ok fine its thirty minutes in the past are you fuckin happy  
TG: the goddamn shit i do for you pyrope you better be grateful for this nonsense  
TG: im back to playing times bitch  
TG: thought id grown above that but time came back like a clingy ex and here i am wondering how i let myself get talked into another one night stand  
TG: is this about to become a friends with benefits situation or am i still at this assholes beck and call  
GC: WH4T TH3 FUCK 4R3 YOU ON 4BOUT COOLK1D  
TG: nothing  
TG: what are you doing

She was back in her hive, not doing anything of particular note, which was kind of unlike her. Normally he managed to troll her in the middle of a fight, or at the very least she was usually traveling or alchemizing more pointless wardrobe changes. It didn't look like she was even working with her client player.

GC: DUNNO  
GC: 1 JUST H1T TH3 TOP OF MY 3CH3L4DD3R R3C3NTLY  
TG: cool  
GC: 1 GU3SS  
GC: BUT WH4T DO 1 DO NOW TH4T MY L3V3LS M4X3D OUT :?  
TG: how do you mean  
TG: you just finish building up to your gates and shit i guess  
TG: beat the black royalty  
TG: win the game and hope it doesnt try to kill you for it  
GC: W3LL  
GC: BUT 1 DONT TH1NK 4NYON3 1S TRY1NG TO B34T TH1S G4M3 NORM4LLY 4NYMOR3  
TG: yeah i guess not  
TG: i finally saw what went down with the juggalo guy on another monitor  
TG: thats some intense shit  
GC: 3X4CTLY  
GC: WHO G1V3S 4 SH1T 4BOUT SOM3 CL4SH1NG C4R4P4C14N 4RM13S WH3N YOUR FR13NDS 4R3 1N D4NGER OF B31NG M4SS4CR3D BY ON3 OF OUR OWN  
GC: 4ND W1TH 4LL TH1S GL1TCH1NG WHO KNOWS 1F 4NY OF TH3 3NDG4M3 SH1T W1LL 3V3N 4CT1V4T3 CORR3CTLY  
TG: so youre just giving up  
GC: 1 N3V3R S41D TH4T  
GC: JUST TH4T OUR 3ND GO4LS M1GHT NOT L1N3 UP W1TH TH3 TR4D1T1ON4L W4Y TO B34T TH1S G4M3  
GC: WH1CH 1S WHY 1M 4SK1NG STR1D3R  
GC: WH4T C4N 1 DO TO H4NDL3 4LL TH1S SH1T 1F 1M OUT OF L3V3LS TO CL1MB :?  
TG: you can always god tier  
GC: OH GOD TH4TS 4NOTH3R TH1NG VR1SK4 W4S BR4GG1NG SH3 W4S 4BOUT TO DO!!!!  
GC: 1S 1T 4CTU4LLY H3LPFUL  
GC: 1 JUST 4SSUM3D 1T W4S STUP1D BULLSH1T 1F SH3 THOUGHT 1T W4S 1MPORT4NT  
TG: she probably heard about it from john cos yeah  
TG: its pretty fucking useful  
GC: WH4T 1S 1T  
TG: conditional immortality  
GC: ...  
GC: 4R3 YOU S3R1OUS  
TG: yep  
GC: YOUR3 1MMORT4L  
TG: hell yeah i am  
TG: i mean i can die but i come back to life and shit  
TG: unless i die heroically like a chump or justly like an asshole thats the fine print  
GC: WH3R3 DO 1 G3T 4N UPGR4D3 L1K3 TH4T  
TG: quest cocoon  
TG: big stone slab with your aspect carved into it somewhere on your planet  
TG: your consorts should be able to stop being useless assholes for long enough to help you find it if you need  
GC: 1 TH1NK 1 KNOW WH3R3 TO ST4RT LOOK1NG 4CTU4LLY :]  
TG: cool see you in forty minutes  
GC: WHY FORTY :?

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

He jumped ahead forty minutes, as promised. Terezi messaged him as soon as he opened the chat, clearing the static from his screen. She was settled cross-legged in the middle of her Quest Recuperacoon. It was a rectangle instead of a circle, but otherwise it looked like the same ugly, uncomfortable slab of rock he'd died on, with a Mind symbol in place of the Time one.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

GC: H3H3H3H3H JUST 1N T1M3  
TG: yeah suck it whats going on  
GC: W3LL 1 FOUND TH3 SL4B 1 TH1NK  
GC: 1 F33L TH3 M1ND SYMBOL C4RV3D 1NTO 1T 4ND 3V3RYTH1NG  
TG: yeah its shaped a little different from ours but it looks about right anyway  
GC: SO NOW WH4T?  
TG: you completely situated on there  
GC: YOUR3 TH3 ON3 W1TH V1S1ON H3R3 G3N1US M4YB3 YOU SHOULD L34RN TO US3 1T  
GC: Y3S 1M ON TH3 DUMB QU3ST B3D TH4TS WHY 1M 4SK1NG SO NOW WH4T  
TG: so now you off yourself  
GC: OH H4 H4 TH4T 1S YOUR COOL3ST 1RONY 4CT 3V3R  
GC: JUST K1DD1NG TH4TS NOT 4CTU4LLY FUNNY 4T 4LL YOU 4SS  
TG: im not kidding  
TG: you wanna god tier  
TG: you gotta die first  
GC: WH4T  
GC: S3R1OUSLY CUT TH3 CR4P WH4T DO 1 DO H3R3  
TG: why would i joke about this shit  
TG: this game wants you dead one way or another  
TG: to go god tier you gotta die on one of those slabs while your dream self is still alive  
TG: then your dream self takes over and powers up to immortality and you wake up on the battlefield in a snazzy new god tier outfit  
TG: oh and your corpse sticks around so you can loot yourself and get your shit back later if youre okay with being morbid  
GC: TH4TS FUCK3D UP 4ND STUP1D  
GC: YOU W3NT THROUGH W1TH TH1S 1N YOUR S3SS1ON?  
TG: absolutely  
GC: 1 DONT BUY 1T  
GC: YOU WOULDNT GO THROUGH W1TH TH1S 31TH3R HOWD YOU 4CTU4LLY GOD T13R  
TG: terezi if there had been another way you think i wouldnt have taken that option first?  
TG: you either die here and god tier or you walk away and stay mortal  
TG: thats your choice  
TG: im just telling you how to do it  
GC: 444RGH  
GC: TH1S 1S STUP1D!!!  
TG: i know  
GC: W3R3 YOU SC4R3D  
TG: well i didnt know it was gonna work  
TG: does that answer your question  
GC: D4V3 1M N3RVOUS  
TG: so dont do it  
GC: BUT 1 N33D TO  
TG: you probably ought to yeah  
GC: 1 DONT 3V3N KNOW HOW TO GO 4BOUT TH1S  
GC: DO 1 JUST  
GC: ST4B MYS3LF 1N TH3 CH3ST  
TG: thats one way to do it  
GC: WH4T 1F 1 M1SS 4 L3TH4L SPOT  
GC: 1 DONT W4NN4 SLOWLY BL33D TO D34TH :[  
GC: HOW D1D YOU DO 1T  
TG: honestly  
TG: i just waited for something else to kill me  
GC: OH  
GC: C4N 1 JUST  
GC: F4LL 4SL33P 4ND DO TH4T TH3N  
GC: L3T 4N 1MP DO TH3 D1RTY WORK?  
TG: go for it  
TG: just a reminder youre gonna lose your inventory  
TG: so as soon as you god tier make finding a computer your number one priority  
TG: keep this chat open so you can get back in on it and dont make me stare at static for fucking hours or something got it  
TG: im a busy guy dont need to waste time wondering if youve died yet or not  
GC: SO BOSSY ;]  
GC: OK4Y 1LL CONT4CT YOU 4S4P ONC3 1M GOD T13R  
GC: S33 YOU 4G41N WH3N W3R3 BOTH 1MMORT4L B4D4SS3S  
TG: see ya  
GC: D4V3?  
GC: W1LL YOU ST4Y ONL1N3 W1TH M3 UNT1L 1 F4LL 4SL33P :[  
TG: sure t-z

They shot the shit as if the game didn't even exist. She talked about her human lusus a little and asked about crabdad, while he swapped the subject with ease and turned it into a debate about which species had produced the better TV shows. He slipped in a few teases about how she ought to concentrate on sleeping over planning ways to one-up him and she flipped the bird skyward -- the viewport wasn't at the right angle, but he knew who it was aimed at.

Their conversation slowed, but she kept her cell phone close even as her eyelids drooped, until she curled up on her side and finally fell asleep.

The monitor turned to static as her messages ceased. He wasn't sure what he'd see when it picked up on her signal again, but images of her dead on the Quest Recuperacoon flashed through his mind. An unexpected feeling of dread crawled up his torso pillar as he waited.

It was no big deal. An imp would come along, think it was its lucky day, and murder a defenseless Hero of Mind in her sleep. He wasn't going to turn off his monitor, he _wasn't_ , she wasn't going to _die_ , it was just god tiering. All four of them went through it and left behind a bloody corpse. Why the fuck was he _scared_ to see Terezi go through the same harmless process?

Not like she was playing a glitched up game that didn't fucking work half the time.

The static lifted way too soon, the recently cleared image still focused on Terezi's planet -- _fuck fuck fuck fuck that was the quest recuperacoon again she was going to be covered in blood she was going to be injured or dead or_ \-- and a recently awakened Terezi. Her clothes were the same, not a speck of blood on them, and she looked panicked as she pounded at her keyboard.

GC: D4V3  
GC: FUCK  
GC: FUCK FUCK SH1T  
GC: D4V3 4R3 YOU TH3RE  
TG: t-z?  
TG: terezi whats wrong what happened  
GC: SH3 BL3W UP PROSP1T!!!  
TG: what  
GC: VR1SK4 FUCK1NG BL3W UP PROSP1T  
TG: wait she blew up a fucking planet?  
GC: TH4TS 3X4CTLY WH4T SH3 D1D STR1D3R!!  
GC: 1TS GON3  
GC: 1TS FUCK1NG GON3  
GC: TH3 PL4N3T TH3 P3OPL3 TH3 WH1T3 QU33N  
GC: 3V3RYTH1NG  
TG: your dream self?  
GC: 3V3RYON3 WHO W4SNT GOD T13R 1S FUCK1NG D34D  
GC: SO 3V3RYON3 3XC3PT VR1SK4  
GC: FUCK  
GC: K4RK4T N3V3R 3V3N GOT TO S33 TH3 PL4C3  
GC: 4ND NON3 OF US C4N GOD T13R NOW  
GC: C4N W3?  
TG: i  
TG: im sorry  
TG: god t-z  
GC: WH4T TH3 FUCK 1S WRONG W1TH H3R  
GC: SH3S 4 FUCK1NG PSYCHO BUT 1 THOUGHT SH3 ST1LL G4V3 H4LF 4 SH1T 4BOUT TH3 R3ST OF US  
GC: 1 TH1NK SH3 K1LL3D ON3 OF US TOO  
GC: K1LL3D H1M FOR R34L NOT JUST H1S DR34M S3LF  
TG: is she trying to destroy the goddamn session or something  
GC: 1 DONT KNOW :[  
GC: SH3S PROB4BLY TRY1NG TO G1V3 H3RS3LF 4 BOOST W1THOUT G1V1NG 4 SH1T TH4T 1T FUCKS TH3 R3ST OF US OV3R  
GC: 4ND 1M SC4R3D 1TS JUST GO1NG TO G3T WORS3  
TG: first off  
TG: calm down  
GC: 1 C4NT FUCK1NG C4LM DOWN 1 JUST FUCK1NG D13D 4ND FUCK FUCK FUCK  
GC: TH1S 1SNT WH4T W4S SUPPOS3D TO H4PP3N 4T 4LL!  
TG: no it wasnt  
TG: but youre not going to be in any shape to fix this mess if you dont stop  
TG: breathe  
TG: and calm the fuck down  
TG: ok?  
GC: COULD YOU C4LM DOWN 1F YOU JUST W4TCH3D H4LF YOUR FR13NDS D13 3V3N 1F TH3Y W3R3 JUST TH31R DR34M S3LV3S?  
TG: i think its pretty damn safe to assume  
TG: like fuck i could  
TG: you going to drag yourself to my level t-z?  
GC: :[  
GC: YOUR3 4N 4SS  
TG: and youre not  
TG: thats the point  
TG: you actually think before you act  
TG: which youre not gonna be able to do if you dont fucking breathe and stop panicking  
GC: 1M TRY1NG OK4Y  
TG: okay

She sat on the side of her quest bed and held a hand to her forehead, breathing deeply. She still clutched her phone far too tightly.

Not that he could blame her. He'd almost snapped the keyboard in half when it fully sank in that Prospit was gone. He expected the game to pull shit that would strand half the players from ever reaching God Tier, but it was supposed to happen in the form of an NPC or more of the glitch shit, not a fucking player -- she wasn't even a Derse Dreamer, for fuck's sake, how could she harm her _own_ damn planet?

It was hard enough to swallow that the session was utterly fucked because of glitches and stupid mistakes, but _sabotage_...

He had to take his own advice and breathe deeply. Couldn't let Terezi know how agitated he was.

GC: OK4Y 1M BR34TH1NG NORM4LLY 4G41N  
GC: BUT 1M ST1LL FUCK1NG FR34K3D OUT  
GC: WH3N DO3S TH4T STOP B31NG 4 TH1NG  
TG: can you think clearly  
GC: Y3S  
TG: then maybe it doesnt stop being a thing  
GC: 4RRRGH  
TG: what do you need right now  
GC: 1 DONT KNOW 1 JUST  
GC: 1 K33P TH1NK1NG 1T OV3R  
GC: 4ND 1 TH1NK 1 N33D TO STOP VR1SK4  
TG: you mean kill her  
GC: 1S TH3R3 4NOTH3R W4Y :[  
TG: probably not  
TG: pretty hard to keep a god tier under custody  
GC: Y34H  
GC: Y34H 1 GU3SS  
TG: you dont have to  
TG: youve got enough to fight without turning on your friends  
TG: even if they are traitorous bulgefucks  
GC: SH3S D4NG3ROUS THOUGH  
GC: 1F 1 THOUGHT TH1S W4S TH3 3ND OF 1T M4YB3 1D JUST L3T 1T GO  
GC: BUT WH4TS SH3 GO1NG TO PULL N3XT?  
GC: WH4T 1F SH3 K1LLS SOM3ON3 3LS3 OR D3STROYS D3RS3 N3XT  
TG: i dont know  
GC: UNNGH  
GC: D4V3  
GC: SHOULD 1 R34LLY STOP H3R? 1S TH1S R1GHT?  
TG: you know we cant really see your future anymore right with all the glitch shit blocking our view  
GC: 1 KNOW  
TG: and even if i wanted to go sleuthing through glitched up viewports to tell you what you "have" to do im not going to fucking do it  
TG: might as well throw freewill out the goddamn window  
TG: its your decision t-z  
GC: 1 KNOW  
GC: 1 JUST...  
GC: 1 F33L L1K3 1M 4BOUT TO M4K3 4 M1ST4K3  
GC: 4ND 1 JUST W4NT TO KNOW 1F 4NYON3 UND3RST4NDS  
TG: ...  
TG: you know what fuck it  
TG: my opinion? strictly between the two of us?  
TG: make her pay

The rest of the lab barely existed. It was just him and Terezi, plotting an assassination to set her session back into some semblence of coherence. He broke his rule of avoiding the other humans and messaged Vriska, in Terezi's very near future. She swore at and threatened him, so he didn't even have to make up an excuse for contacting her before she blocked him; that was all he needed for the static around her to let up for a short moment. He fed her location to Terezi and she asked for fighting advice as they traded strategies. The only reason he noticed that his headphones had grown silent at the end of an album was because he heard John laugh from across the room.

He stiffened, his fingers frozen mid-sentence, and glanced over. John was hunched over his keyboard, jamming out a message with the most excitement Dave had seen in him since they'd discovered the origin of the glitch. Dave didn't need to ask who he was talking to.

Everyone else was too absorbed in their own computers to notice what he was doing. Even if they glanced over, it wasn't like his monitor -- let alone the text -- was visible. He still couldn't shake the uneasiness that someone was staring over his shoulder as Terezi approached Vriska on his viewport.

It wasn't like he had time to change it even if he wanted to.

He still flinched involuntarily at the sight of human blood, but he also released a breath he hadn't realized he was holding at the sight of Terezi -- unharmed, safe, alive -- still standing.

TG: you did good t-z  
GC: 1M  
GC: 1 N33D 4 M1NUT3

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

That made two of them.

He minimized everything and shut off the monitor, the fear of discovery still digging at the back of his mind. He slipped out of his chair and made it across the room without a sound. John was typing, his face lit up with that goofy grin of his that made Rose relax every time she glanced his direction, and oblivious to the lab around him.

Dave leaned over to wrap both arms around John's shoulders. John's hands paused, hovering over the keyboard.

"Dave?"

Dave adjusted one arm to grab the back of John's head and ruffle up his hair. "You let your guard down."

"Nooo, surprise hair strife!" John reached up and batted at Dave, mostly hitting air, but Dave let him get a couple good shoves at his bangs.

"Too late, bro." Dave rubbed the top of John's head with his sleeve. "You're at my mercy now."

"Rooose! Rose, help!" John gave a few half-hearted tugs against Dave's grip, as if he was trying to run to her. She glanced at them and rolled her eyes with a smile before returning to her monitor. "Auugh, my moirail abandons me in my moment of need!"

"Is that a surrender?"

John laughed. "As if I stood a chance, asshole!"

"Damn straight." Dave smoothed John's hair back to its rightful place. "So where you at in the timeline?" He lowered his arms around John's chest and settled his chin on John's shoulder, peering at the screen. The brown-haired girl he'd last seen bleeding on his monitor was alive and well and obliterating ogres on John's viewport. "That the human you're trolling?"

"Yeah, that's Vriska!" John's voice even seemed to light up. "I showed her the ropes of the game! She picked it up really fast. We're probably facing off against her denizen soon."

Dave put on his most unimpressed face. "I dunno, man, she seems sorta creepy to me."

"What?" John scoffed the way he did whenever Dave poked fun at his movie taste. "No way, dude. No. Vriska is awesome. She is the _best_."

Dave forced a smirk. "Best at being creepy."

"Noooooooo, she's great." John went back to typing without a care that Dave could read every damn chummy line he wrote to the human. "Wait 'til you meet her. You'll get along great, 'cos you're both smartasses."

"Intuition tells me she and I can be no better than bitter rivals."

John glanced at Dave. "Are you threatening to blackflirt with her?" He broke into a grin. "Oh man, what if we both end up sharing quadrants with a human? That'd be so awkward but kind of awesome."

Dave tried not to increase his grip, but he stiffened a little anyway. "You're... flushed for her?"

John's cheeks turned a pale blue. "Um. Well. Her? We don't know each other that well yet! But, you know. Who the hell knows? If we can ever meet in person and she asks me on a date... It'll depend, okay?"

"You can do better, dude."

John's brow furrowed. "Last I checked, my options were pretty sparse. Unless you're suggesting I'm overlooking someone in this lab, in which case I have been severely misinterpreting these sick bro cuddles of yours."

"My bro cuddles are platonic as fuck." Dave released John and pulled away. He should have gone on a ramble describing just how platonic his cuddles were, but he wasn't feeling it. He headed back to his computer station. "You get back to your creepy flushcrush. None of my business anyway."

"She is not my flushcr- she is not _creepy_! You'll come around to her!" John called.

"You keep telling yourself that." Dave slid into his seat. If John said anything more, Dave didn't hear it. He cranked the volume up on his music player and shoved the earbuds in deep.

Didn't matter that he knew he was in the right this time. Another guilty conscience was totally what he needed. He was on a fucking roll.


	23. Act 2.11

It was hard to recover from witnessing the glitch brutally murder two humans. John's sponge reeled and he wanted to throw up a little. He didn't even want to open Trollian again, knowing that something similar could happen to Vriska, and his hands shook whenever he reached for his computer.

But he had a great moirail who would hold his hand whenever he needed it -- even though it made typing tough for both of them and he had to stop when Vriska started complaining that he was taking too long to reply -- and Jade always shot him an encouraging smile when she caught him glancing her way. Even Dave was being uncharacteristically friendly, dropping by to check on him and mess up his hair like a douche.

Things were bad, but his friends were still there. They'd be all right.

He only faltered when Vriska's timeline reached the glitched up zone. Chances were pretty good she'd be safe, since all the shit went down on LORAF and he could warn her to run if Gamzee made an appearance, but... He nabbed Rose's hand again all the same, clinging tight as Vriska's viewport warped into the static-y mess he knew was coming. Even without the violent visuals to accompany it, it made his bloodpusher clench. (Those poor humans.)

He sighed and Rose offered him a soft pap. He waved her off, forcing a smile. "I'm okay! I just needed a minute."

She raised an eyebrow but nodded, leaving him to it.

He _was_ okay. Especially compared to all the shit the humans were going through. (Poor fucking humans.)

AG: Uuuuuuuugh this is so GROSS!!!!!!!!  
GT: what's it like?  
AG: Well you can FEEL this shit, for one! It's like walking through a shower of pop rocks!  
AG: This never goes away?  
GT: not according to trollian's timeline... your timeline kinda just tapers off, still all glitchified.  
AG: ...Our timeline ENDS? What's that mean?  
GT: err, maybe that you complete the game and move on? hopefully!  
GT: our timeline went off the grid when my moirail went grimdark, so it's not that weird. even our alien technology can only do so much!  
AG: L8me.  
AG: So we've got a time limit we gotta make sure we 8eat this game 8y.  
GT: that's one way to look at it! probably a good way. actively fighting other possibilities and all.  
AG: Yeah, let's keep concentrating on getting even gr8er.  
GT: okay, well, it's gonna be harder for me to scout out strong enemies for you now that my viewport relies on your signal for good visuals!  
GT: but i'll try my best and see if i can find you a few high level assholes.  
AG: Screw that! I want to face off again my denizen already!  
GT: whoa whoa whoa what? that is SO not a good idea.  
GT: those things were hard to beat when we were all working together near the top of our echeladders! give it just a couple more levels.  
AG: Joooooooohn, how many times do I have to remind you? ::::) I'm 8x more powerful than the average person! If you could win at the top, then my current level will work fiiiiiiiine.  
AG: I have aaaaaaaall the luck!  
AG: 8esides, it would be a complete w8ste of XP if I 8eat a strong 8oss when I can't level up anymore!  
GT: i guess that is a gross waste of xp, but that's still better than dying!  
AG: I woooooooon't! Promise!  
AG: If you're too chicken to help me reach my denizen's lair, though, I understand. I can go on my own from here.  
AG: You can go 8e Feferi's mentor troll instead, 8ut you'll be missing out and we 8oth know it.  
GT: bluh bluh! this is still fucking stupid.  
AG: Have more faith in me, jerkass! >::::( I know my skill level 8etter than anyone and I'm telling you I can kick the ass of ANY monster S8ur8 thinks it can throw at me!  
GT: bluhhhhh...  
GT: okay but you gotta promise not to die, okay? :(  
AG: Proooooooomise! ::::D  
AG: See how sincere that was?  
AG: I can add to the exclamation marks if you want, so you know just serious I'm 8eing!!!!!!!!!  
AG: SHIT!  
AG: *!!!!!!!!  
AG: My finger slipped, don't you dare make fun of that extra punctuation!  
AG: Even if I DIDN'T promise and wasn't 8eing totally sincere right now, it's impossi8le for anything in this dum8 game to 8eat me, don't even worry!  
AG: I could pro8a8ly take on the 8lack King right now if I wanted!  
AG: 8ut we wouldn't want to finish this game TOO quickly, you know?  
AG: ...John?  
AG: Joooooooohn?  
AG: You didn't change your mind, did you? ::::(  
GT: no! sorry!  
GT: i should've paused your timeline but got distracted!  
GT: dave stopped by agaaaaaaaain.  
GT: he's been really fucking affectionate lately, the doof.  
AG: Should I 8e jealous? :::;)  
GT: haha, nah we're just bros. if anything he's probably jealous of you!  
AG: Guess I'll have to watch out for him! 'Cos I won't give up my troll mentor all that easily.  
GT: pffff, nah we're all friends here! i can't wait for you to meet him and rose and jade! especially rose, oh man, you two will get along great, and she's awesome, so you'll definitely like her.  
AG: Sounds like we're planning to meet up at the end of this game, hmmmmmmmm?  
GT: well...  
GT: ok i don't know if that's possible. but that would be SO COOL.  
AG: It would. I'll add that to the list of so-called impossi8ilities we're going to overcome together!  
AG: Right 8elow defeating my denizen early so I can make sure to reach the top of my echeladder 8efore Terezi does.  
GT: oh, right, that.  
GT: pfff.  
GT: ok.  
GT: if you're REALLY SURE...  
AG: A8solutely!  
GT: then i'll get you a shortcut item so you can reach the gate to your denizen early.

He pulled out his sylladex, shuffling through the cards until he found a relevant item in a form he thought she'd like. He fed her the captcha code for a pair of bright red rocket boots -- he would have sent his card over to her directly if he could have, for as much use as flying items were to him when he could sprout wings at will and all.

The alchemiter didn't take well to Sburb's new glitchy state. It made her boots five times too large once, made them inside out another time, and made them as burned up pieces of soot to top it off. The amount of grist used up didn't even match the amount each item claimed it would take.

With sheer luck that Vriska quickly claimed as her personal talent, they managed a proper alchemization on the fourth try. John still tensed when she equipped the boots, but they seemed to fly okay.

He really hoped the gate wouldn't be just as fucked up as the rest of Sburb: Glitch Edition.

AG: So what can I expect from this 8attle?  
GT: get on your defensive IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!! that's so important i am using eight exclamation marks to make sure you pay attention!  
GT: those suckers strike as soon as they see you!  
AG: Wow, no evil monologues or anything first? What l8meass 8osses.  
GT: i know, right?  
GT: i thought maybe we were supposed to talk to our denizens. i know they can speak! they kept going on about how we "ruined everything" like big know-it-all villains throughout the whole fight.  
GT: but they just get so damn angry and VIOLENT, so we couldn't even ask what the hell they were talking about.  
GT: ...i think i have a feeling about that now, actually, but. uh. that's complicated and not really relevant at the moment!!! i'll explain later.  
GT: the point is, they are REALLY hard to beat. i had to run away the first time. But it's possible!  
AG: Well, I know THAT, dummy.  
AG: I'm gonna show you that first hand! Just watch me!!!!!!!!

Before he could give her another word of advice or ask her to wait another moment, she shot through the gate to her denizen's palace.

The lair was just as big of a mess as the rest of Sburb. (He probably needed to get used to the fact that no scenery changes were going to get any better about that.) Beyond the usual glitches covering the place, it was a dark underground cove, the floor covered in water and littered in shipwrecks.

Vriska's denizen was the same as Rose's: a giant fishy creature with purple wings. It raised itself up on Vriska's arrival, but it didn't attack until Vriska struck the first blow. Only then did it retaliate with the same overwhelming force John remembered the time he'd helped Rose defeat her denizen on LOLAR.

To his relief, Vriska dodged the denizen's swipes with ease. She had a harder time countering, as she had to land on a stable ship for long enough to toss her dice.

She landed another roll just as the viewport went dark in static.

GT: vriska????????  
GT: your connection timed out! D: i can't see you until you reply which you probably shouldn't try if you're still fighting so please please please be okay!

He chewed on his lip as he waited. There was approximately jackshit else he could do to help her. He couldn't ask anyone else to check on her -- they probably couldn't even reach the lair -- and he couldn't pass on advice to someone too busy to check her messages.

Man, why hadn't he contacted Vriska near the end of the timeline just to make sure she survived the whole way so he could stop worrying about it?

Just as he grew tempted to do just that, Vriska replied, lifting the obscuring marks from his viewport.

AG: Sorry a8out that.

Vriska was safe and whole, though more than a little bloodstained. To John's relief, the blood looked secondhand and he couldn't spot any wounds on her. Her denizen was gone, with a crapload of grist lying around the place. Most of it was the glitchy, near-unusable material. Considering how much grist he remembered denizens giving up, he was pretty sure she'd collected a fair amount of the good stuff already.

She knelt next to an unmoving human body that was lying on one of the ships. John gasped at the sight. Had it seriously been there the whole time and they'd just been too busy fighting a monster to notice? He couldn't recognize it as any of the Sburb players at least. She seemed older and reminded him of Vriska.

AG: I got a little distracted there.  
GT: is that... your lusus?  
AG: Yeah. She was.  
GT: i'm so sorry, vriska. :(  
AG: Don't 8e. This just proves what I should have already known.  
AG: She alw8ys said she wanted me to 8e the gr8test. Like a hero in her 8ooks.  
AG: 8ut she didn't really want that.  
AG: You know why she's here? You know why she tried to t8ke on my denizen 8efore I could?  
GT: to protect you?  
AG: HA!!!!!!!!  
AG: No, John! She was trying to steal my 8iiiiiiiiggest kill!  
AG: She's alw8ys wanted credit for everything I did. That's the only reason she pretended to c8re a8out my success, the reason she was such a damn NAG! So she could dream about t8king it from me!  
AG: Well who's the gr8test N8W, Mom? Who's a hero and WHO'S A STUP8D C8RPSE????????  
AG: I was ALW8YS gr8 and you were alw8ys a 8ITCH.  
GT: anger isn't a human mourning thing right? 'cos i was really really sad when i lost my lusus!  
AG: No. If she'd 8een a halfway decent "lusus" then I'd pro8a8ly 8e crying my eyes out like a good daughter.  
AG: 8ut all she wanted from me was some kind of trophy she could h8ng up on the wall and 8rag a8out as if it were hers! "Oh, look at my gr8 daughter! She's so much 8etter than every8ody! And aaaaaaaall because of ME! She'd 8e nothing if I wasn't r8sing her!"  
GT: human lusus sound fucking awful.  
AG: They can 8e.  
AG: I sure wasn't lucky on that front.  
AG: Aaaaaaaall my luck filtered to S8ur8 instead.  
AG: Not a 8ad deal actually. :::;)  
AG: I don't even have to feel 8ad that she's dead!  
AG: Serves her right for trying to t8ke over my session!  
GT: well... i'm glad you're not upset.  
AG: Meh!  
AG: It was 8ound to happen sooner or l8er anyway.  
AG: 8ut hey, you haven't even let me announce the good news!!!!!!!!  
GT: there's good news?  
AG: GUESS WHO'S AT THE TOP OF HER ECHELADDER, 8ITCHES!

* * *

Maybe she was getting too cynical, or maybe it was just a sign of how many times the game had fucked them over, but either way Rose had grown to dread when her teammates left their stations. Her first thought when Jade approached was, What the hell's gone wrong this time?

Jade's smile was softer than usual but her voice remained chipper as she said, "I think Kanaya's ready for you. Or that this would be the best time for you to take her under your wing again, anyway."

"That's an odd way to word it." Rose cocked her head. "I'll let Eridan know I don't have time for him anymore. Perhaps I'll even word it nicer."

Jade giggled as Rose sent her farewell to Eridan -- she was diplomatic about it, though, as he had been a decent student when he wasn't being stubborn. He seemed confident enough he'd be able to master more magic- urgh, science spells on his own, even without a mentor to guide him anymore. From how quickly he'd been improving, she believed him.

Once Rose closed out of Eridan's window, Jade reached for the mouse and adjusted her place on the timeline to a spot not far after the glitching started. "There! I'm pretty sure that's the same spot I'm at."

Rose nodded. "And how are things on your end?"

Jade waved her off. "I've got it under control. I better get back though! Have fun with Kanaya!" she said, trotting back to her computer before Rose could interrogate further.

She frowned. "Fun" was not the first word she would have used, but she couldn't deny she could stand Kanaya's company just then.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

TT: Jade thought this would be the most appropriate moment for me to step in once more.  
TT: Is she correct?  
GA: I Am Not Sure I Would Agree  
GA: Karkat Is Still Quite Distraught And I Need To Take Care Of That  
TT: He appears to be trying to leave.  
GA: Yes Because He Is Distraught  
GA: I Am Trying To Calm Him Down Before He Does Something Foolish  
TT: Is Jade dealing with him?  
GA: I Know Karkat Better Than She Does  
GA: I Need To Make Sure He Has A Proper Support System After What Happened With His Best Friend Slash Brother  
TT: So you're meddling, basically.  
GA: I  
GA: Well  
GA: He Could Be Hurt If I Do Not Intervene  
GA: Does That Count As Meddling  
TT: Does he want your intervention?  
GA: Judging By His Lengthy Expletive Laden Rants  
GA: No  
TT: Then it probably counts as meddling.  
GA: Oh  
TT: I didn't say it was unnecessary.  
TT: But if he still has Jade to guide him, I would trust her to keep him in safe territory.  
TT: She's already agitated that we may be in some way responsible for the deaths of your two friends. She won't let harm come to him too.  
GA: Yes Oh Lord We Havent Been Able To Mourn Equius And Nepeta At All Yet I Dont Even Know How We Will Put On A Funeral If Gamzee Wont Give Up Their Bodies  
GA: I Need To Make Sure The Others Know That Theyre Dead  
GA: Sad Emotion Icon  
GA: And Gamzee They Need to Steer Clear of Gamzee  
TT: All right, so concentrate on that and let your friend Karkat do his thing.  
GA: Karkat Is Really Quite Difficult To Deal With Though Im Not Sure Jades Up For That Challenge  
TT: She has a strong calming effect, actually. One that I'm not sure even she's noticed.  
TT: Side effect of being a limeblood, I suspect.  
TT: Did she have difficulty working with him while you were catching frogs?  
GA: No She Was Surprisingly Decent At Keeping Him On Track  
GA: Fuck I Need To Collect The Genesis Frog We Are So Close To Finished  
TT: Kanaya.  
TT: Minimize this window, open a memo with your friends, and tell them to steer clear of your possessed friend for their own safety.  
TT: I'll leave it to your judgment on whether or not they're prepared to hear about the deaths of two more of their friends, but they at least need to know not to approach a hostile enemy.  
GA: Yes  
GA: Yes Youre Right  
GA: Karkat Can Take Care Of Himself  
GA: Dot Dot Dot  
GA: With Jades Help  
GA: And The Others Need Me More  
TT: Correct.  
GA: Be Right Back Then  
TT: All right.  
GA: Never Mind  
TT: ...What.  
GA: I Need Time To Compose This  
GA: Im Just Going To Tear Up If Im Not Careful  
TT: Ah...  
TT: Well.  
TT: That's quite understandable, given the circumstances.  
GA: They Need To Know This And I Know That I Just Dont Know How To Appropriately Tell Them Theyll Be So Upset And Thinking About It Is So Painful Right Now  
TT: Let me try something.  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] sent grimAuxiliatrix [GA] the file "eulogy.txt" --  
TT: It's rather vague due to my limited contact with your fallen friends, but I made sure to write it in your quirk if you want to use it instead of upsetting yourself by writing your own.  
TT: You can post it as-is or use it as inspiration to write your own. I won't be offended in the slightest if you edit it as you see fit.  
GA: I  
GA: This Text Is Quite Tasteful For An Alien Species I Thought Had Less Regard For Life Than Humans Have  
TT: I pride myself in both my writing abilities and my tact, when the situation calls for it.  
GA: You Did Not Have To Do This  
TT: It seemed it would be easier on me than you.  
TT: I can't imagine trying to write something like this in the heat of the moment.  
GA: Well  
GA: Thank You  
GA: Ive Edited A Few Details But I Passed Most Of Your Message On To My Friends  
GA: I Assumed You Were Just Trying To Speed Things Along But It Was Truly A Load Off My Mind Not To Write The Bulk Of That  
TT: I won't pretend I'm completely altruistic here, but I figure you have enough hardship ahead of you for now.  
TT: Not that I'm on vacation, myself... but I've more leeway at any rate.  
GA: If This Glitch Mess Is Similar In Your Session I Can See Why Youre So Desperate To Find A Solution In Our Game  
GA: In Case I Havent Made It Clear Rose Ill Do Everything I Can To Help  
TT: You've been doing splendidly already.  
GA: Have I  
GA: All I Have Done So Far Is Play Sburb As My Team Needs And Document Our Process  
TT: Hm. I think we've written enough that it's safe to be honest without creating a dangerous paradox.  
TT: Kanaya, I have your completed walkthrough on my hard drive. I've had it for a long time.  
TT: It was sealed outside the reaches of time and space, so I was able to access it even though it had not been written yet.  
TT: I didn't know where it came from, or who wrote it, or when, but it was through this that we were able to complete our game with very few hitches. Until the unexpected endgame, of course.  
TT: I recognized it must have come from your session, however, because the spellcaster signed their handywork with a violet CA.  
GA: Oh  
GA: So I Take It Eridans Been Having Success With His Science Magic  
TT: He's difficult to work with on multiple levels, but I have faith that he'll be powerful enough for the spell we need by the end of this.  
GA: Well He Will Be Delighted Good For Him  
GA: And I Take It I Will Be Successful In Crafting A Fully Comprehensive Guide To This Game  
TT: There's no section for the endgame area, but otherwise yes, as far as I can tell you chronicle most aspects of Sburb.  
TT: This task is more important than I had led you to believe. We need this guide.  
GA: Then I Will Complete It To The Utmost Of My Ability  
GA: Whats Left  
TT: Hm. Honestly, we've covered most ground by now. Entering the game, building up to the gates... Karkat's kept you informed on his experience in the ectobiology lab... Have you been adding more as you breed the frogs?  
GA: Yes Both The Appearification Process And The Hunt  
GA: I Added A Section On Denizens As Well  
TT: Well done, then. I'll double-check that there's not more, but off the top of my head, God Tiering may be the only major section left.  
TT: You haven't been documenting the glitches, have you?  
GA: Oh  
GA: I Was But I Suppose Thats Unique To Our Session  
GA: I Will Delete Those Parts If Its Needed  
TT: Yes, I'm afraid so. It wouldn't do either of us any good to warn past me of what we're in for, unless we care to split into a doomed timeline together.  
GA: As Far As I Can Tell We Are Already Traipsing Through Some Sort Of Hell Together  
GA: But I See Your Point  
TT: At least the company's not so bad.  
TT: Now that I've been able to distance myself from the alien that's constantly trying to hit on me, anyway.  
GA: Laugh  
GA: That Was Mean  
GA: But Sadly True  
GA: So You Never Want An Alien Engaging In Flirtations With You Then  
TT: If it was tasteful, I suppose I would bawk less. I imagine Eridan needs another sweep or two before he'll be mature enough for that, however.  
TT: Why?  
GA: No Reason In Particular Just Partaking In Cultural Exchanges  
GA: I Dont Suppose This Is The Right Time For It  
GA: Sad Emotion Icon  
GA: I Shouldnt Entertain Silly What Ifs When People Are Dead  
TT: It happens. Your mind is probably trying to sort itself out right now. You can't concentrate all of your energies on the negative, even when it's fresh and relevant.  
TT: It's to your advantage if you don't think on it while we still have work to be done anyway.  
GA: Yes I  
GA: I Will Be Sure To Mourn Properly Later  
GA: As They Deserve To Be Mourned  
GA: But Its More Important They Didnt Die For Nothing And That We Finish This  
TT: Are you done on your planet?  
GA: I Have Just A Few More Steps Left Before The Genesis Frog Is Complete  
GA: But It Wont Take Long And I Dont Need Karkats Help Anymore  
TT: Then let's get that out of the way.  
GA: Yes  
GA: And Rose  
GA: Thank You  
GA: Again  
GA: For Supporting Me Through This  
TT: After the mess we made of your universe, Kanaya, this is the least I could do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: It was around this time last year that I wrote the dialogue where John and Vriska talk about Vriska's dead guardian. It was the same day that the upd8 came out where Jade's God Tier clock struck "Just," in fact. Funny coincidence. Almost as if I was angry at Aranea and vented my frustration through fic. (That said, if I didn't think it was a good addition to the story, I would have deleted it later. Vent fic is not always good fic! :D In the end, I kept it not out of spite for Aranea, but because I liked the extra characterization it gives Vriska.)


	24. Act 2.12

Everything was going to be fine. There was no point in feeling upset or guilty and Jade didn't need to wallow anyway! There was too much to do to waste time feeling sorry for herself like a big wiggler. It might have been her fault that the human session was all fucked up, but she was definitely going to fix it.

Most prominently at that exact moment, she was going to preemptively fix the fallout from Karkat foolishly chasing after Gamzee. She'd fix it by not letting him do it to begin with.

GG: stop being so stubborn!!!   
GG: you arent thinking things through!   
GG: we need to stop   
GG: and breeeeeathe   
GG: and then we will figure out a plan of attack i promise!   
EB: FUCK THAT SHIT   
EB: I ALREADY TOLD KANAYA WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT   
EB: I'M GOING AFTER MY STUPIDASS BROTHER BEFORE HE HURTS SOMEONE ELSE!   
GG: karkat that is probably a reeeeeeeeeally bad idea!!!   
GG: he was pretty clearly stronger than you and youre not thinking straight either   
EB: HE TOOK NEPETA AND EQUIUS! EVEN IF GAMZEE CAN WAIT, I HAVE TO GET THOSE TWO ASSHOLES BACK   
EB: ISN'T THERE A WAY TO REVIVE THEM USING THOSE BULLSHIT DREAM SELVES I'VE NEVER EVEN FUCKING SEEN?   
GG: uhhhh supposedly!!   
GG: becsprite told me once that kissing their corpses fast enough brings their dream selves to life?   
GG: but we honestly never tried it so its hard to say if it works   
GG: especially when the session is all glitched up like this :\   
EB: OH GOD, WHAT IF IT BRINGS THEM BACK AS, LIKE...   
EB: FUCKING ZOMBIES GODDAMN THAT'S THE LAST THING SBURB NEEDS   
EB: ANOTHER FUCKING ZOMBIE GAME.   
EB: I MIGHT MORPH INTO A STRAPPING BROWN-HAIRED WHITE GUY WITH STUBBLE IF I'M NOT CAREFUL HERE.   
GG: yes see??? so you need to think things over and not chase after him blindly!   
EB: AND ABANDON ANY CHANCE WE CAN STILL SAVE THEM?   
GG: they wont be saved if you die too karkat!   
EB: BUT THIS ISN'T FUCKING FAIR!!!!   
EB: THEY TRIED TO SAVE ME, THIS SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED TO THEM!   
GG: im so sorry karkat :(   
EB: AND IF FUCKING GAMZEE HADN'T SHOWN UP TO HELP...   
GG: then youd be in trouble instead of him!!!   
EB: THAT'S THE THING I DON'T THINK I ACTUALLY WOULD!!   
EB: THE GODDAMN GLITCH WAS IGNORING ME FOR SOME REASON AS FAR AS WE KNOW I WASN'T EVEN IN DANGER   
EB: MAYBE I TASTE BAD   
EB: OR IT HAD A CRAVING FOR FRESH JUGGALO I DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW GLITCHES WORK   
GG: hmm :x   
GG: i think... maybe it doesnt like your blood aspect   
GG: you glowed red whenever it touched you anyway.......   
EB: WAIT, BLOOD ACTUALLY DOES SOMETHING OTHER THAN BE A MORBIDASS NAME?   
EB: I THOUGHT I'D GOTTEN THE POINTLESS CLASSPECT   
EB: KNIGHT OF SHIT EVERYONE HAS AND THAT IS DANGEROUS TO APPROXIMATELY NO ONE   
GG: every classpect has a point! even if some are harder to guess than others   
GG: something about blood repelled the glitch i am pretty sure   
EB: SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS   
EB: I'M THE BEST PERSON TO GO AFTER GAMZEE   
GG: noooooooooooo   
GG: even if   
GG: and thats IF! please do remember this is only hypothesis for now!!!   
GG: if you have a natural defense against the glitch you still shouldn't go alone!   
EB: LAST TIME SOMEONE TRIED TO HELP ME, THEY BOTH ENDED UP FUCKING DEAD   
EB: FUCK BEING SMART ABOUT SHIT OR STRATEGIC FOR ONCE   
EB: AND LET ME BE A STEREOTYPICAL REBEL LONE WOLF LEADER   
EB: TO MAKE UP FOR MY LACK OF TRADITIONAL WHITE GUY STUBBLE   
GG: :(   
GG: i dont want you getting hurt though   
GG: your friends will be sad and gamzee will be sad and john will be sad   
EB: FINE, THEN I PROMISE I WON'T GET FUCKING HURT.   
EB: SO WILL YOU STOP NAGGING ME LIKE A NOSY, DEMANDING MOTHER TRYING TO GET HER KIDS IN ORDER THE NIGHT BEFORE CHILD SERVICES IS SCHEDULED TO CHECK THE HOUSE?   
EB: I ALREADY KNOW I CAN'T BLOCK YOU ASSHOLES BUT THE LAST THING I NEED RIGHT NOW IS CONSTANT DISTRACTION   
GG: i think you are doing something very foolish   
GG: but theres nothing i can really do to stop you.....   
EB: YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT. IF KANAYA CAN'T STOP ME, YOU DEFINITELY CAN'T.   
GG: but you still need all the help you can get, even if youre being such a... such a stubborn fuckass! >:(   
EB: THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM.   
EB: ARE YOU OFFERING TO STICK AROUND FOR THIS OR ARE YOU ABOUT TO START "WHINING TO KARKAT ABOUT HOW MUCH DAAAANGER HE'S IN" ROUND 2?   
GG: can i do both?   
EB: I WILL START QUOTING YOU PASSAGES FROM THE GODDAMN NOTEBOOK IF YOU PULL THAT.   
EB: DON'T TRY ME. I'VE READ IT LIKE SIXTEEN TIMES, I PROBABLY HAVE MOST OF IT MEMORIZED.   
GG: whats the notebook?   
EB: ...GODDAMN IT, WHEN THIS GAME IS OVER, IF WE SURVIVE, I AM LENDING YOU SOME FUCKING QUALITY READING MATERIAL.   
GG: okay   
GG: we will definitely survive so we can do that! :D   
EB: DON'T PATRONIZE ME.   
GG: what? noooo i was being sincere! :( not all of us are sarcastic jerks!   
EB: OH. OKAY. SORRY, I THOUGHT MAYBE I WAS STARTING TO RUB OFF ON YOU.   
GG: maybe a little but not THAT much, hehe   
GG: but look... maybe... if you go after gamzee, youve got to be ready to make a run for it if he looks like he will attack you again   
GG: all right?   
EB: YEAH, YEAH, I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE HIM ON, I CAN ALREADY FUCKING TELL THAT.   
EB: I JUST... HAVE TO TRY TO REACH HIM AT LEAST.   
GG: yeah i understand   
GG: so long as you promise not to be too foolish, we can try

If Karkat was going to be too stupid to drop a dangerous plan, at least she could make sure to minimize the damage from it. Provided he paid his messages any heed when the time came.

Well, she already knew she could use her Space powers through dimensions. If he was truly in danger, she'd just plop him back into an out of bounds area until it was safe. She would absolutely not let him get killed, no matter what. It was her fault he was in such a bad situation to begin with.

He leapt through the Gate to Gamzee's planet; she held her breath for fear it would glitch and send him to the wrong spot, but the viewport picked up on the other side as it was supposed to and he was still safe and whole. The new location was just as glitched up as LORAF had been though. Even the imps were perplexed enough by their glitched up world that they didn't pay Karkat any attention as he raced past them in search of Gamzee.

She wasn't sure if he was following a trail or just making a guess on where he'd gone. She didn't really want to encourage him, so she didn't ask, but she eventually noticed the blood drops. It was still weird to think anything could bleed a color that brightly red -- even after all the carapacians she'd seen -- and the stains were small enough on her screen that she hadn't spotted them with all the static to distract her, but she was sure they stood out plain as a deadly sun to a human standing right next to them.

The trail led to a shallow cave. Jade had found a few of those on her planet too, and they'd usually been riddled with underlings, but this one only had grist in it. Gamzee had probably taken care of any enemies as he passed through, and why would a glitch care about battle spoils?

Karkat found a transportalizer pad at the end of the trail and stepped on it before Jade could ask him to pleeeease consider trying to find out where it went first. Oh well.

He came out the other side in a dark lab, similar to the one Jade was stuck in. The rooms weren't as big and it didn't have any ectobiology machines or tubes or even anything to make Battlefield armies, but it definitely looked like a mini version of the meteor lab. It would have felt like a safe area if it weren't for who they were chasing.

EB: SHIT, IT'S LIKE ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE ECTOBIOLOGY LABS OR SOMETHING... I DON'T THINK IT'S THE SAME ONE, ANYWAY.   
GG: what are we planning to do if we catch up to gamzee anyway?   
EB: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. I'M WINGING THIS SHIT.   
GG: -_____-;;   
EB: SHUT UP, SOMETIMES THAT'S A LEGITIMATE STRATEGY   
EB: ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR FRIEND IS PSEUDO-MIND CONTROLLED BY A FUCKING VIDEO GAME GLITCH AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HE'LL REACT TO SHIT.   
GG: from what i can tell we know exactly how he will react   
GG: it will probably not be fun :\   
EB: SEE, I'M NOT FUCKING SOLD ON THAT.   
GG: o_o   
GG: after everything that just happened?   
EB: I KNOW IT SOUNDS STUPID AS SHIT, BUT AFTER HE GOT GLITCH-POSSESSED, HE STILL... HE WAS STILL FUCKING GAMZEE.   
EB: I MEAN HE WASN'T, HE WAS A GODDAMN VIOLENT MANIAC, BUT HE STILL TALKED LIKE HIMSELF.   
EB: HE FUCKING *KNEW ME*, JADE, I WAS STILL HIS "MOTHERFUCKING BRO" AND IT WAS SUCH A "MIRACLE" THAT HE WAS GOING TO SEE MY BLOOD SPILT...   
EB: IT WAS HIM BUT IT WASN'T   
EB: SO MAYBE... MAYBE HE CAN COME BACK TO NORMAL.   
GG: that would be nice but... i dont know   
GG: our friend sent us messages as if he was still himself after he was possessed, but hes still killing everything he can find in our session   
GG: including his own lusus :(   
GG: so im kind of skeptical that he can break free by his own will   
EB: YOU'RE A FUCKING KILLJOY.   
EB: GOD, THERE'S GOTTA BE A WAY TO SAVE HIM, RIGHT?   
GG: im sure there is!   
GG: we just have to keep trying and we will find it   
GG: and then we will save both gamzee and daveglitch :)   
EB: ...THE RED TEXT ASSHOLE GOT POSSESSED?   
GG: errrrr his alternate timeline self did   
GG: hence why hes daveglitch and gamzee is still gamzee, since there arent two gamzees running around   
EB: OH GOD.   
GG: yeah its kind of a lot to take in   
EB: NO OH MY GOD OH FUCK OHGOD NO NO FUCK NO SHIT FUCK *FUCK*   
GG: karkat??? D:

He grew tense at first, his entire body locking up and his eyes going wide, then he looked about to collapse to his knees as his shoulders slumped. His face contorted into a grimace and he ran forward, stumbling in the effort.

As the camera panned to follow him, Jade slapped her hands over her mouth and swallowed deeply to hold down any startled noises of horror. The blood trail led straight into a small massacre. Five adult human bodies were strewn across the lab, unmoving and covered in bright red blood.

EB: FUCK FUCK FUCK OH GOD SHIT FUCK!!!!!   
GG: whats wrong? D: oh no, you know them dont you?   
EB: THESE ARE OUR PARENTS!!   
GG: oh nooooooooooooooo D8   
EB: THAT'S MY FUCKING DAD   
EB: WITH TEREZI'S SIS AND SOLLUX'S BRO AND KANAYA'S MOM AND GAMZEE'S   
EB: FUCK, HE WAS MY DAD TOO, THAT'S STILL SO FUCKED UP, I HAVE TWO GENETIC DADS   
EB: SO BOTH OF MY PARENTS ARE DEAD   
GG: ;_;   
EB: FUCK!!!   
EB: OF COURSE MY STUPIDASS FATHER WOULD LET HIMSELF GET MURDERED LIKE THIS!!!!!   
GG: :( im so so so sorry karkat   
GG: you must have loved him a lot   
EB: YEAH RIGHT   
EB: HE WAS A FUCKING COCKSUCKER WHO'D RATHER GO ON SELF-RIGHTEOUS RAMPAGES THAN PAY HIS BILLS   
EB: I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO FUCKING MISS HIM!

Karkat swiped an arm over his eyes, rubbing furiously to remove any dampness. Jade thought it was best not to remind him that she could still see him.

EB: OH GOD. OH THANK GOD NEPETA AND EQUIUS'S GUARDIANS WEREN'T HERE. SHIT, IT'S GOING TO BE BAD ENOUGH WHEN THEY FIND OUT, THEY AT LEAST DON'T DESERVE TO SEE THEIR KIDS MANGLED UP.   
EB: I KNOW THAT IS A REALLY FUCKED UP THOUGHT, BUT GODDAMN IT THERE'S NOT MUCH ELSE TO BE THANKFUL FOR RIGHT NOW SO I'LL FUCKING TAKE IT!!!   
GG: its ok i understand what you mean   
GG: are you... going to tell kanaya and the others about their lusii?   
EB: LATER. THEY DON'T... THEY DON'T NEED THIS SHIT ON THEIR SHOULDERS RIGHT NOW, NOT WITH EVERYTHING ELSE GOING ON.   
EB: I'M THE LEADER, SO I'LL HOLD ALL OUR BURDENS UNTIL THE OTHERS ARE READY TO CARRY THEM WITHOUT COLLAPSING INTO USELESS PUDDLES OF SOON-TO-BE-GLITCH-MURDER-VICTIMS.   
GG: what about you? :(   
EB: I'M GODDAMN FINE, I'M ON A MISSION AND GAMZEE CAN'T BE TOO FAR AHEAD NOW, SO I'LL JUST KEEP GOING LIKE THIS CHANGES NOTHING BECAUSE AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED IT CHANGES GODDAMN NOTHING!   
GG: :(   
EB: STOP SENDING ME SAD EMOTICONS!   
EB: IF I'M NOT SAD, THEN YOU DEFINITELY HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE!   
GG: it is ok to be sad sometimes karkat   
GG: even if you have mixed feelings on your lusus   
GG: i didnt like it one bit when bec dragged half eaten carcasses into the hive, but i loved him and miss him anyway   
EB: WELL I DIDN'T LOVE MINE AND I WON'T FUCKING MISS HIM.   
EB: WE'VE STILL GOT A MURDEROUS CLOWN TO TRACK DOWN, A VITAL MISSION THAT YOU'RE DISTRACTING ME FROM WITH YOUR ATTEMPTS AT THIS ~FEELINGS JAM~, FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.   
GG: :\

Bright red footprints stained the floors beyond the pile of corpses. Jade shivered as Karkat followed them into a tight hallway. He kept glancing back at the dead adults for as long as they were in sight, almost turning his head to look over his shoulder before remembering himself and snapping his gaze forward.

His pace picked up as the footprints grew scarcer, the blood drying too much to leave a good trail anymore. Somewhat luckily, the hall didn't feature any splits in the path, just a long ladder down a shaft. Unless there was a secret door somewhere, Gamzee's trail could disappear completely and they'd still follow him without effort.

Jade regretted not being more stubborn with Karkat -- maybe dumping him in an out of bounds area until he got his head on straight -- as soon as he hopped off the ladder and pushed through a closed door.

They'd found Gamzee. He was sitting on a transportalizer with a sour expression, his head cocked to the side. His clothes were drenched in blood, though the static around him was thick enough to make the red hard to see.

The entire room was glitching worse than Jade had seen since the glitch first broke free of its out-of-bounds confines. The static hovered out of Gamzee, connecting him to... She swallowed hard. Nepeta and Equius stood at a control console, their expressions blank and still. Their limbs moved stiffly to adjust knobs and sliders. Static wrapped around them as if it was a hand guiding a pair of puppets.

Gamzee raised his head at Karkat's entrance and the puppet-turned-corpses went limp, crashing to the floor. Gamzee got to his feet, but otherwise didn't even approach as Karkat started yelling at him. The only reaction Gamzee had beyond that was to redirect the static in the air to converge on Karkat instead.

GG: karkat be careful!!!! D:   
GG: i will teleport you into the middle of an ocean on loraf if you get hurt, dont fucking think i wont!!

As she feared, when it really mattered, he wasn't paying any attention to his messages. Jade got ready to use her Space powers if need be, clenching her hands and trying not to worry. It would be okay, it had to be okay, she would make sure he was okay _somehow_.

As the glitch tried to touch Karkat, he glowed in the familiar red hue of his Blood aspect. The glitch wrenched back as if it had struck electricity.

Karkat straightened in a sudden bout of confidence and strode towards Gamzee, not even reaching for his weapons yet. (How could he forget something as basic as keeping one weapon in easy reach at all times? He really would have benefited from a few lessons from Bec.)

Gamzee didn't move, but his frown grew deeper as Karkat neared. The static kept trying to penetrate through Karkat's Blood shield, but it finally gave up and converged on Nepeta once more. Karkat paused to glance at her as her body stumbled up enough to swat at a button on the control console.

The transportalizer pad glowed and Karkat dove forward through a wall of static, grabbing Gamzee by the front of his shirt and wrenching him off the transportalizer. The static on Gamzee exploded where Karkat's glowing hands rested on him, as if the glitch was trying to escape the power emanating from Karkat. It billowed behind him, still attached to Gamzee by a thread of static.

The transportalizer fully activated as the cloud of static hovered over the pad. It disappeared in a flash of light, severing a large chunk of the glitch from Gamzee as it teleported somewhere unknown.

Gamzee wobbled on his feet, blinking in confusion. Karkat relaxed, almost daring to look hopeful.

The static controlling Nepeta yanked away from its temporary host, returning to Gamzee with a swirling vengeance. Gamzee's expression darkened and he shoved Karkat away, taking out a juggling club.

Karkat dodged the swing of the club and tried to make another grab at Gamzee, but Gamzee dodged with as much ferocity as if Karkat's hands were made of fire. He backed away, watching Karkat carefully, then bolted past him for the door as soon as Karkat's glow died down.

Karkat made to give chase but slowed to a standstill just as he reached the ladder. Gamzee's headstart was already overwhelming and he was faster than Karkat could probably go.

He shuffled back to the corpses and knelt next to them, rearranging them so they weren't just a mess of limbs but laid on their backs with their arms straight by their sides.

He visibly shuddered and wiped at his face.

EB: SHIT...   
EB: SHIT!!!   
GG: you did pretty good karkat :( considering what you were up against   
EB: I STILL DIDN'T CHANGE SHIT   
EB: THESE TWO ARE STILL DEAD   
GG: you could try reviving them?   
EB: Y'KNOW   
EB: I WISH I WAS FUCKING OPTIMISTIC ENOUGH TO THINK IT'D DO ANYTHING   
EB: BUT FEFERI JUST PESTERED ME TO SAY SHE SAW THEIR DREAM SELVES ON DERSE. THEY SHARED THE SAME WOUNDS THEIR REGULAR BODIES HAVE. THEY SURVIVED THEM FOR LONGER... BUT THEY FINALLY DIED   
EB: WE WAITED TOO LONG TO SAVE THEM   
GG: oh no... im so sorry   
EB: SO GAMZEE'S STILL POSSESSED, MY FRIENDS ARE STILL FUCKING DEAD, AND I'M STILL A USELESS PIECE OF SHIT WHO PROBABLY CAN'T PULL HIS PANTS UP THE RIGHT AMOUNT WITHOUT ASSISTANCE.   
GG: well... we confirmed the glitch very likely cant possess blood players.....   
GG: thats something!   
EB: HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH, I HAVE ONE GODDAMN USE.   
GG: and you stopped gamzee from teleporting... wherever he was going   
GG: can you check that? maybe it was important   
EB: YEAH, MAYBE.

He straightened and examined the console with shaking hands.

GG: so what was he trying to do?   
EB: YOU FUCKING TELL ME. THERE'S A VISUAL HERE, BUT I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT IT IS.

She peered in close to her monitor and pushed Trollian's zoom features to their limits. The destination on the control console looked like... Sgrub's logo on a floating platform. It was the endgame door.

GG: thats the end of our session!!! O__O   
EB: WAIT, SERIOUSLY?   
GG: yes thats where we were in our game before the glitch came from our door and attacked us!   
EB: THIS IS HOW IT GOT TO YOU?!   
EB: FUCK!!!!   
EB: SHIT, I'M SORRY I COULDN'T STOP IT. :(   
GG: i know karkat dont worry about it   
GG: there were a lot of factors that put us in this situation and youre doing the best you can!   
EB: STILL... SHIT, MAYBE IT WOULDN'T HAVE POSSESSED ONE OF YOU IF I'D JUST LET GAMZEE GO...   
GG: maybe, but im not sure we would be in a much better situation   
GG: other than daveglitch i mean, since he would probably not even have existed :x   
GG: but being attacked by gamzee probably would have led mostly to these same events so...   
EB: I GUESS.   
EB: GOD. THIS FUCKING SUCKS HAIRY MINOTAUR BALLS.   
GG: yeah....   
EB: IT'S A KISS, RIGHT?   
GG: hm? o__o   
EB: TO REVIVE A DEAD PLAYER. YOU KISS THEM.   
GG: ohhh, yes supposedly   
EB: THEN IT... IT CAN'T FUCKING HURT TO TRY. I'LL JUST KISS THEM, ASK FEFERI TO GO TO SLEEP AND REPORT BACK... AND THEY'LL STILL BE DEAD BUT AT LEAST I'LL HAVE GIVEN THEM EVERY GODDAMN CHANCE I COULD.   
GG: :( ok

She tried not to stare as he knelt and gave them both a short kiss. He wiped his mouth with a sleeve and sat against the wall, breathing deeply as he waited for a status update from Feferi.

Jade knew it hadn't worked even before he passed on Feferi's eventual message. As he read it, he deflated, hung his head, and squeezed his eyes shut in a useless attempt to hold back tears.


	25. Act 2.13

AG: This is defin8ly it?  
GT: yeah, it looks like a quest cocoon to me anyway. it's even got the light symbol like rose's did.  
GT: you ready?  
AG: Gimme a sec, I told Kanaya I'd let her know the 8asics of this God Tiering shit.  
GT: why?  
AG: She's 8een compiling a walkthrough for some reason???????? As if we're going to ever REPL8Y this!  
AG: 8ut meh, that's her pro8lem, if she'd rather w8ste her time on that when she could be leveling. I can afford to do her a solid.  
AG: So okay! That's done, she can credit meeeeeeee for that section when she posts this wherever.  
AG: Anyway I'm on the sla8 thing and it's really uncomforta8le.  
AG: Step one complete?  
GT: yep, sounds about right.  
GT: next is the hard part.  
AG: I know.  
AG: I'm as ready for this shit as I'll ever 8e.  
GT: oh, but one last thing! you won't have a computer when you revive, so i can't contact you until you find a new one.  
AG: Honestly... that may 8e just as well.  
GT: ?  
AG: John, I appreci8 everything you've done for me, but... after 8eating my denizen and all... I think I need to just spend some time leveling 8y myself. 8ecome a hero on my own.  
GT: i understand. :(  
GT: will you contact me again though? keep me updated?  
GT: i mean upd8ted?  
AG: Defin8tely. ::::)  
AG: I have no plans to totally lose contact with my troll mentor.  
AG: And I mean, who knows? May8e when we're 8oth at the end of this game, we could... find a way to meet up in person. Hang out. If that goes okay... may8e try a d8 from there?  
GT: oh?  
GT: OH.  
AG: Hey, I'm just 8rainstorming some dum8 ideas here!!!!!!!!  
AG: Just think a8out it a little may8e.  
AG: We don't have to put anything down in stone yet! I've got some God Tiering to do first, remem8er?  
GT: haha, yeah, um...  
GT: meeting up sounds exciting for sure! and we can play everything else by ear.  
AG: Exactly.  
AG: First I've gotta... do this dying thing........  
GT: yeah... i had my pale girlfriend kill me.  
GT: i dunno if i could have done it on my own.  
AG: It's... I'm not scared or anything!!!!!!!!  
AG: It's just fucking weird.  
AG: Ugh, and there's a giclopse coming this way.  
AG: It'd pro8a8ly 8e the quickest way to non-suicide God Tier, actually. ::::\ 8ut I don't think I could just lie here and take that.  
AG: Especially since it might hurt. DXXXX  
GT: can you fall asleep for it?  
GT: that's what i did, so i wouldn't have to watch the final blow.  
AG: I'm supposed to fall asleep in the less than a minute 8efore my murderer arrives? John, you're kind of a dummy sometimes.  
GT: oh. pfff.  
GT: but you have aaaaaaaall the luck, right?  
AG: S8GH.  
AG: This seems like an a8use of powers, but fine. Let's roll the dice and see what my luck does here.

Vriska tossed her strife specibus into the air so the dice clattered onto the stone slab next to her. As usual, they rolled high.

John expected an avalanche of boulders to fall from the sky on top of the approaching enemy, but nothing happened. Crap, what if the glitching was blocking her luck from activating? It'd worked in the fight against her denizen, but the glitching had been unpredictable so far.

The giclopse was getting closer and she was going to have to fight back or run for it soon. If she could just pass out long enough to not feel the killing blows... if Vriska could just... if he could just reach out and help her _sleep_...

His head felt fuzzy. It reminded him of the sensation of flying through heavy winds, except his body was still. He felt something warm, confident, unfamiliar at the cusp of his mind. Just as fast as it arrived, it faded.

Vriska flopped over, eyes closed.

For a moment he was afraid a projectile had struck her, but as far as he could see, she was unharmed, just unconscious.

Had he... done that? That wasn't possible, right? Okay, maybe he had mind control in his ancestry, but _he_ couldn't pull that shit. But, crap, he felt funny. Did Vriska's dice pull out what little luck he had and give him a single shot at living up to his ceruleanblood potential?

He rubbed at his temple, trying to ease away the sensation. Whatever it was, random headache or potential ancestry powers unlocking, he did not want it again.

Static overcame his viewport just as the giclopse was within attack range. Trollian must have been able to tell Vriska wasn't conscious or something, by how quickly the visibility faded, but he was mostly grateful he didn't have to watch the God Tiering process. It had been bad enough with Rose.

Whatever happened, he hoped Vriska was all right. If they could survive the game together, he really wanted to meet her afterwards and hang out and... He paused, her words rushing through his mind again. Hang out and "d8."

Oh. Oh, wow. It wasn't that he'd never considered dating Vriska, but he'd never considered it _seriously_ , more like, ha ha, what a crazy idea that would probably never even come up! She _was_ a really gr8 friend so far and he liked talking with her. She'd probably be a pretty fun quadrantmate too, but...

Even though it was a stupid pity-at-first-sight crush, he still liked Karkat enough he wasn't sure he should commit to someone else just yet. It wouldn't be fair to them, if he was still nightdreaming about Karkat. Except Karkat probably didn't like him back, so what was the point? Vriska was just as awesome! And she actually liked him!

But, bluuuuuuuuh, he _really_ liked Karkat. Maybe he could learn to hate him instead? Karkat seemed to dislike him enough they could probably fall into a pretty good kismesissitude. And hey, then John could swoon over Karkat without being an ass to Vriska and have all his quadrants filled. (The ashen one barely counted. Who wanted a kismesissitude that required an auspistice?)

After all, Karkat kept calling him a "cocksucker." (Pfff, no, that was just funny. How could he get angry at that?) And yelling at him. (So cute.) Karkat was so hateable. (No, he wasn't.)

John sighed. He'd have to talk to Vriska about it the next time they had a breather. Maybe they could even wait until after the game. What was the point of worrying about _any_ of his quadrants when they weren't sure they'd ever meet in person? He'd just back off both of them in the meantime.

He wasn't treating either as a second choice, oh hell no. They were just friends until he sorted out all his confusing feelings. Maybe they'd never be more than friends, if John's confusing feelings didn't match up with their confusing feelings. And that was okay! Disappointing maybe, but okay, because they were both awesome alien friends and how could he ever complain about that just because they never got to kiss and stuff? Alien friends were the best regardless of kissing status.

He shook his head, trying to expel the last of his headache. Whatever he told Vriska next time they talked, he still had to find a way to kill time until she contacted him again. Shit, would she be able to contact him at the right time even? Wait, yeah, they'd left their chat window open. Once she logged in, she could reenter the same chat. He just had to wait.

In the meantime, it'd been too long since he'd talked to Karkat anyway. (He tried not to feel too guilty that that was the first place his mind went at the promise of freetime.)

It was too risky to interrupt Karkat in the timeframe where he couldn't see what was going on -- and he didn't want to step on Jade's toes anyway -- so he scrolled back to before the glitch activated, before Karkat chased frogs on LORAF, before...

Oh, _hell_ fucking yes, he knew exactly when to troll him. He couldn't miss _that_.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

GT: hi karkat!  
EB: NO  
EB: NOW IS NOT A GOOD TIME, GO AWAY, SHOO! FUCK OFF! GO JACK OFF IN THE CORNER WITH YOUR WEIRD ALIEN JUNK  
GT: uhh  
GT: is something wrong? this looks like a pretty normal part of sgrub to me.  
GT: especially after everything that happens later in your session.  
EB: HOW ARE TWENTY-FOUR TEST TUBE BABIES CRAWLING AROUND A MYSTERIOUS METEOR LABORATORY "NORMAL"???????  
GT: oh man, are those your grubs?  
GT: which one's you?  
EB: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THIS TIME?  
EB: IS THERE EVER ONE GODDAMN MINUTE THAT JOHN FUCKING EGBERT DOESN'T BABBLE NONSENSE LIKE HE'S BEING PAID NOT JUST BY THE WORD BUT BY HOW LITTLE SENSE EACH INDIVIDUAL WORD MAKES?  
EB: ARE YOU A FUCKING MILLIONAIRE YET, JOHN? WHY ARE YOU SO GREEDY?  
GT: pffff. dude, i'm just curious which little wriggling alien is you!  
GT: i think i can narrow it down to... four?  
GT: never mind, it's down to two.  
GT: aw, and that's deeeeeeeefinitely little vriska chasing terezi around.  
EB: ...  
EB: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TRYING TO TELL ME THAT THESE SCREECHING LITTLE BRATS ARE *US*?  
GT: yeah dude, that's how ectobiology stuff works.  
GT: you made paradox clones who're gonna fly off on a meteor and land on your planet and grow up to be you.  
GT: say hi to little wiggler karkat for me, ok?  
EB: AUUUUUUGH OH MY GOD THAT'S THE MOST FUCKED UP THING I'VE HEARD IN MY LIFE.  
EB: THAT'S WHY THE SCREEN KEPT FOCUSING ON OUR GUARDIANS?  
EB: AND THAT'S... THAT BABY'S *MY DAD*??!  
EB: AND  
EB: OH MY GOD  
EB: OH MY FUCKING GOD, I'M RELATED TO GAMZEE.  
EB: *OH MY FUCKING GOD* I'M RELATED TO SENATOR MAKARA!!!! FUCK ME, FUCK ME SO HARD.  
GT: ...uh...  
EB: IT'S A FIGURE OF GODDAMN SPEECH, YOU USELESS PERVERT.  
EB: THE OTHERS ARE GOING TO FLIP THEIR SHIT WHEN THEY HEAR ABOUT THIS.  
EB: OH GOD THEY KEEP TRYING TO GRAB MY JEANS. FUCK NO, GET AWAY  
EB: WHY THE FUCK DO THEY COME PREPACKAGED IN DIAPERS ANYWAY?????  
EB: WHAT THE FUCK, WAS ERIDAN FUCKING BORN WEARING GLASSES??  
EB: WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT, HE WASN'T FUCKING *BORN* AT ALL APPARENTLY.  
GT: born?  
EB: I'M REFERENCING THE FACT THAT WE SKIPPED THAT STEP AND CAME INTO EXISTENCE VIA SCIENCE BULLSHIT INSTEAD OF BY NATURAL MEANS  
GT: no, what's born mean?  
EB: I'M NOT EXPLAINING THAT. STOP BEING PURPOSEFULLY OBTUSE, ASSLICKER.  
GT: fuck you too, nookbite. what the hell is born?  
EB: AREN'T TROLLS BORN?  
GT: yes, karkat, that is exactly why i want to know what the hell it is, because we're totally not hatched or anything.  
EB: OH. YOU'RE HATCHED LIKE FROM OUT OF EGGS? SERIOUSLY?  
GT: well you see, we're quite different from you humans! for instance, we're mostly made up of tentacles. also, nine-feet tall generally.  
EB: GROSS.  
GT: it is badass, man. you don't even know.  
EB: YOU'RE WRONG, BUT WHATEVER.  
EB: HUMAN BABIES GENERALLY SPEAKING GROW INSIDE A WOMAN'S BELLY FOR NINE MONTHS BEFORE BEING BORN BY GETTING EJECTED OUT THE GENITALS INTO THE REAL WORLD.  
GT: ...  
GT: THAT is gross.  
EB: NOT AS GROSS AS THESE SNOT-NOSED, SCREAMING LITTLE MONSTERS OH MY GOD CAN I JUST SEND THEM TO SBURB DAYCARE ALREADY.  
GT: i just left mine to do whatever they wanted.  
EB: I THINK I'D BE ARRESTED IF I LEFT TWENTY-FOUR GODDAMN BABIES TO FEND FOR THEMSELVES ON A METEOR.  
GT: they'll survive. we already know that! :P  
EB: I AM GOING TO, JUST... NEVER FUCKING FORGIVE MYSELF IF I ACCIDENTALLY WRITE SOLLUX OUT OF EXISTENCE OR SOMETHING HERE.  
GT: nope, not how it works. they're gonna be fine, dude.  
GT: heheh, that one must be you, 'cos it's screaming so much. poor wiggler karkat.  
EB: THEY'RE CALLED BABIES.  
EB: AND BABY ME IS LOUD AS SHIT, THIS IS THE FUCKING WORST. I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO DISGUSTED WITH A PAST ME BEFORE, AND I'M ALWAYS DISGUSTED WITH PAST ME.  
EB: YOU WERE THE ONE WHO DID THIS ECTOBIOLOGY SHIT IN YOUR SESSION?  
GT: yep. oh man, that was shithive maggots.  
GT: eight little wigglers vying for attention!  
GT: but also it was awesome, just like what you're doing now.  
EB: THIS IS PURE SHIT-EATING MISERY.  
GT: no, man. it's awesome.

Aw, crap, he definitely had to turn Vriska down until he could get his shit in order. He still _really_ liked Karkat.

* * *

Dave kind of wished the countdown would just reach zero already. They were well past halfway through their remaining time, whatever those dwindling numbers actually stood for, and the wait was driving him up the goddamn wall. The seconds just kept ticking by as a steady reminder that eventually John was going to catch up on the timeline and find out what happened to Vriska.

Dave slipped away from his computer to check on John for at least the third time in the last half hour. He leaned over John's shoulder, wrapping an arm around his front. "Where you at on the timeline?" he asked. For once John's viewport wasn't focused on Vriska at least. Instead it was monitoring the human's obnoxious-as-shit session leader. What an upgrade.

"Oh, uh..." John tapped a spot on his screen, relatively near the top of the timeline. "I left off with Vriska here. I'm just waiting for her to reply once she's back from God Tiering."

Dave's grip tightened before he could stop himself. Wouldn't be much longer, then. Maybe... maybe John would understand. He'd see what Vriska was pulling and call her out on it and sever ties and-

"You don't have to be all nice to me, Dave." John glanced up at him. "I already know you feel bad about threatening the humans."

Goddammit, John. Dave so did not need reminded of what a forgiving asshole his best bro was just then. (John was never going to see Vriska as a threat, who the fuck was he even kidding? Best he could hope was that John would forgive him too. Again.) "The fuck are you talking about?" Dave muttered.

John laughed, butting his head back against Dave's shoulder. "Why the fuck else are you being such an affectionate asshole? It's totally uncool by your standards."

"Everything I do is cool by virtue of me doing it." Dave wrapped both arms around John's shoulders and squeezed. "Check it, I'm making hugs cool. They'll be the next fad, just you fucking wait."

"Laaaaaaaame," John said, even though he totally leaned into it like a hypocrite.

"Ironically."

John snorted. "Sure, man, whatever helps you sleep at day. Apology accepted."

Fuck, Dave probably needed to say something, but maybe they'd all die before John had to find out, or John wouldn't put together that Dave had played Terezi's accomplice, or John somehow wouldn't mind that his human flushcrush was dead. "I..." Dave swallowed. There was no way he was guaranteeing that John knew about it by ratting himself out. "I gotta get back to Terezi."

John grinned and gave one of Dave's arms a nudge. "Go for it, bro."

Dave detached from John and tried not to think about the fact John might not let him be so friendly again.

TG: back  
GC: 4S 1F 1 NOT1C3D WH3N YOUR3 1N 4 S3P4R4T3 T1M3L1N3  
TG: announcing brb and back are an internet tradition man dont take that away from me  
GC: F1N3 :P TH3N 1 GU3SS TH3 ONLY 4PPROPR14T3 R3PLY 1S  
GC: WB  
GC: SO NOW WH4T  
TG: dunno  
TG: what dyou wanna do from here  
GC: 1 DONT 3V3N KNOW WH4T TH3 OPT1ONS 4R3 4NYMOR3  
TG: you could try more alchemizing in hopes the machine glitches up and gives you something useful for once  
TG: try to figure out your planetary quest and get that done for shits and giggles  
TG: you could check in on your teammates and find out who wants to take on a wild mission to fight the black king on the battlefield  
TG: or sit on your ass and listen to music i guess thats always an option  
GC: MY T34MM4T3S 4R3 DROPP1NG L1K3 FL13S 4ND 1TS SO SURR34L 1M NOT 3V3N SUR3 WH4T TO TH1NK OF 1T Y3T  
GC: PROB4BLY JUST 4S W3LL 1T F33LS UNR34L FOR NOW  
GC: 1 DONT KNOW 1F W3 3V3N H4V3 4 CH4NC3 OF TRY1NG TO F1GHT TH3 F1N4L BOSS3S 4NYMOR3  
TG: yeah probably not  
TG: fucking around aimlessly is probably the best option til someone else gets a bright idea i guess  
GC: 1 SUPPOS3  
GC: DO3SNT R34LLY M4TT3R  
TG: i could send you another sbahj comic  
TG: describe it  
TG: you thought the last one was the shit and all  
GC: M3H  
GC: 1F YOU W4NT  
TG: terezi whats up youre acting weird  
TG: weird for you i mean  
GC: 1 4M?  
TG: yeah kinda  
TG: youve barely even insulted me lately  
GC: H4  
GC: 1M NOT 4LW4YS 4BOUT 1NSULT1NG YOU COOLK1D ;]  
GC: FOR ON3 1T WOULD M4K3 MY BURNS ST4RT TO LOS3 TH31R 3DG3 1F 1 US3D TH3M 4LL TH3 T1M3  
TG: yeah thats true  
TG: aint sensing this is about pacing your burns though  
TG: especially since you got less in my face right about the same time you killed vriska  
GC: :[  
GC: 1TS TH4T OBV1OUS HUH  
TG: idk  
TG: i dont really get it or anything  
TG: i just know that before that you were all hey coolk1d lets do fun shit together and ill laugh at your alien customs and youll poke fun at how obviously inferior mine are  
TG: and now youre like ugh youre bothering me strider im trying to secretly get my angst on im like goddamn troll batman over here  
GC: YOU H4V3 TROLL B4TM4N :?  
TG: t-z what kinda self-respecting species doesnt have batman  
TG: s2g  
GC: 4 F41R PO1NT  
TG: yeah so anyway its kinda hard to miss youre brooding over something  
TG: and its kinda throwing us off our game so if we can maybe address that shit  
TG: thatd probably be a thing we should do  
TG: get back on our game and all  
GC: :\  
TG: what cmon im serious here how often does that actually happen  
TG: achievement unlocked: a strider is actually concerned  
TG: thats like a platinum trophy right there  
TG: takes most people sweeps of practice to earn it and here you are a total natural apparently  
TG: you could fucking win tournaments with your eyes closed  
GC: D4V3 YOU FORGOT 1M BL1ND 4G41N  
TG: its metaphorical ok  
TG: the point is im worried and thats impressive  
TG: so lay it on me whats going on  
TG: is the game weighing on you or something  
TG: or is it about vriska  
GC: UGH  
GC: 1TS VR1SK4  
TG: gdi seriously?  
TG: we came to a consensus on that   
TG: totally the right decision remember?  
GC: BUT 1 SHOULD H4V3 TR13D H4RD3R TO G1V3 H3R 4 F41R TR14L  
GC: TH3 D34TH P3N4LTY 1S NO C4R3L3SS M4TT3R  
GC: 1 C4NT JUST H4ND 1T OUT ON 4 WH1M :[  
GC: 1F 1 DO TH4T 1M NO B3TT3R TH4N H3R  
TG: man she deserved it  
GC: TH4TS NOT HOW 1T WORKS D4V3  
GC: 1 MURD3R3D H3R  
GC: TH4TS NOT SOM3TH1NG 4NYON3 C4N "D3S3RV3"  
TG: it was practically self defense  
GC: W4S 1T  
GC: 1M PR3TTY SUR3 SH3 D1DNT 4TT4CK M3 F1RST  
GC: CONS1D3R1NG 1 L1T3R4LLY ST4BB3D H3R 1N TH3 B4CK  
TG: you still had to do it  
GC: 1T W4S ST1LL MURD3R!  
TG: goddamn  
TG: humans are fucking weird  
TG: she killed your friend sabotaged your game and endangered everyone  
TG: its beyond fucking normal to kill her for that  
GC: TH4TS TROLL JUST1C3 >:[ WH1CH SOUNDS STUP1D 4ND 4WFUL  
GC: HUM4N JUST1C3 DO3SNT 4LLOW MURD3R 4S 4 R3SPONS3 TO MURD3R  
GC: 1TS ST1LL 4 CR1M3 3V3N WH3N 1TS R3V3NG3  
TG: yknow what fine then  
TG: we can do it your way  
TG: present your evidence prosecutor pyrope  
TG: courts in session they wanna hear about this supposed murder case  
GC: WH4T  
TG: well you think this is apparently a crime  
TG: so lets fucking do it bring on the trial  
TG: judge can decide if youre at fault if youre so certain you gotta be racked with guilt over something that had to be done  
GC: WHO TH3 H3LLS TH3 JUDG3  
TG: the reverent and badass judge strider as it turns out  
GC: BUT YOUR3 B14S3D 4S FUCK!!!  
TG: objection  
GC: TH4TS MY L1N3  
GC: D4V3 YOU DONT 3V3N UND3RST4ND WH4T 4 JUDG3 DO3S  
TG: judge says to shut your mouth  
TG: his courtroom is unconventional and awesome  
TG: deal with it  
GC: OH MY GOD  
GC: STOP M4K1NG M3 L4UGH WH3N 1 F33L L1K3 SH1T  
TG: you cant tell me what to do  
TG: im a motherfucking judge  
TG: and you will continue to laugh at my awesomeness  
TG: wait  
TG: fuck  
TG: that came out wrong  
TG: laugh at  
TG: my entertaining musings that are absolutely meant to be chuckled at  
TG: my awesomeness is no laughing matter  
GC: OH MY GOD MY S1D3S HURT  
TG: yknow what you can stop laughing how about that  
GC: 1M TRY1NG B3L13V3 M3  
TG: order in the court dont make me sic the jury on you  
GC: D4V3 SHUT UP 1 N33D TO BR34TH3  
TG: i am trying to run a goddamn courtroom here prosecutor  
GC: 4ND YOUR3 SO FUCK1NG B4D 4T 1T  
TG: how would you know weve barely even gone into session  
TG: in fact we werent in session at all yet  
TG: everything before this is stricken from the record ok  
TG: shits serious  
TG: were going to dig into this murder case and get it settled for you once and for all  
GC: D4V3 TH3R3S NOTH1NG TO S3TTL3  
GC: 1 FUCK3D UP  
TG: aright we are not doing confessions we gotta start with testimony first  
TG: how did you fuck up exactly prosecutor pyrope  
GC: OH GOD  
GC: 1 K1LL3D MY S1ST3R FOR 4 DUMB R34SON 3ND OF STORY  
TG: dumb reason meaning that you had to stop a rampaging maniac after shed already caused significant damage to your game session?  
GC: TH4TS 4 L34D1NG QU3ST1ON JUDG3 BUT 1LL L3T 1T SL1D3 S1NC3 YOUR3 SO SH1T 4T TH1S  
GC: Y3S 1 MURD3R3D VR1SK4 B3C4US3 SH3 H4D GON3 ON 4 STUP1D S3LF1SH R4MP4G3 4G41N OK  
TG: so ms pyrope are you saying if you had not and i quote "murdered" ms serket that she would have in all likelihood fucked shit up to hell and back?  
GC: W3LL Y34H  
TG: and you have clear evidence that she already had wreaked some goddamn nasty havoc both upon your session and your friends  
GC: SH3 D3STROY3D 4 FUCK1NG PL4N3T!  
GC: 4ND K1LL3D TAVROS  
GC: BUT 1 C4NT PROV3 SH3 W4S GO1NG TO DO 4NYTH1NG 3LS3  
TG: ms pyrope may the court remind you that you are in fact a seer of fucking mind  
GC: TH4T K1ND OF 3V1D3NC3 1S NOT 4DM1SS4BLE 1N COURT J4CK4SS  
TG: so whatd you do just say yo sis and stab her  
TG: pretty sure you talked for more than that  
GC: W3LL 1 M34N  
GC: 1 C4LL3D H3R OUT ON H3R BULLSH1T  
GC: SH3 S41D 1 W4S JUST 3X4GG3R4T1NG  
GC: 4ND SH3 H4D SOM3 STUP1D PL4N TH4T W4S R1SKY 4S SH1T 4ND SH3 W4SNT 3V3N GONN4 RUN 1T BY TH3 R3ST OF US  
GC: 4ND 1 JUST  
GC: SH3 WOULDNT L1ST3N  
GC: 1 L3T H3R TURN 4W4Y  
GC: L3T H3R TH1NK SH3 WON L1K3 W3 H4D PL4NN3D  
GC: 4ND TH3N 1 K1LL3D H3R :[  
GC: 1 UTT3RLY B3TR4Y3D H3R B3C4US3 1 COULDNT R3L34RN TO TRUST H3R 3V3N 4 L1TTL3 4ND G1V3 H3R STUP1D PL4N 4 CH4NC3  
TG: you just called it stupid  
TG: saying theres a reason not to trust it pyrope?  
GC: W3LL H3R L4ST PL4N R3SULT3D 1N NON3 OF US B31NG 4BL3 TO GOD T13R 4NYMOR3!!  
TG: you seriously trying to tell me you didnt have sufficient reason to stop her by any means necessary?  
TG: what else could the defendant have done here prosecutor pyrope  
GC: 1  
GC: 1 DONT KNOW  
GC: L3T H3R GO 4ND K1LL MOR3 OF US 4ND G3T H3RS3LF BLOWN UP 1N TH3 PROC3SS  
TG: so there we have it  
TG: self defense  
GC: TH4TS NOT S3LF D3F3NS3 1TS JUST  
GC: PROT3CT1NG TH3 OTH3RS  
GC: YOU C4NT T4LK TO H3R ONC3 SH3S D3C1D3D SOM3TH1NGS FOR TH3 B3ST  
GC: 1V3 TR13D  
GC: 1 COULD S33 1T WOULDNT WORK H3R3 31TH3R 1T JUST L3D TO 4 DOOM3D T1M3L1N3 WH3R3 SH1T GO3S TO H3LL  
GC: ...  
GC: SO 1T SUCKS BUT  
GC: 1 GU3SS K1LL1NG H3R W4S TH3 ONLY CHO1C3  
TG: yep  
TG: jurys walking out t-z theyre calling this case a waste of time they want their money back  
TG: the judge agrees and rules not guilty on grounds of your actions being hella justifiable  
TG: you keep bothering him tho and he might sentence you to two weeks cleaning the brooding caverns  
GC: D4V3  
GC: YOU ST1LL H4V3 NO FUCK1NG CLU3 HOW TH3 4M3R1C4N JUST1C3 SYST3M WORKS  
GC: <3  
TG: yeah  
TG: maybe  
TG: im still right tho  
TG: judge strider calls this case dismissed and ms pyrope released on all charges  
TG: gavel goes down  
GC: B4NG B4NG B4NG  
TG: court adjourned  
TG: <3


	26. Act 2.14

GA: Rose  
GA: How Much Longer Is Left On Our Games Timeline  
TT: I'm not a good judge, just eyeing it...  
TT: I imagine that's Dave's forte.  
TT: But I estimate you have a few more hours, perhaps more, perhaps a little less.  
GA: And What Of The Countdown In Your Session  
TT: We're in a similar position. Enough time that I suspect I'll be able to reach the end of your timeline with you, but maybe not much beyond it.  
TT: Of course, we have no idea what occurs when either countdown ends.  
GA: But We Are Both Acting On The Assumption It Cant Mean Good Things  
TT: ...Yes.  
TT: Countdowns rarely point toward the positive, do they?  
GA: They Might If They Are Attached To A Cooking Device Generally Speaking  
GA: But This Is A Video Game  
TT: Exactly. Countdowns are time limits and time limits lead to instant Game Over.  
GA: Quit Or Retry  
TT: We should be so lucky.  
GA: Ive Finished Recording Everything Vriskas Passed On To Me About God Tiering By The Way  
GA: I Dont Know If Theres Anything Missing At This Point  
GA: But Whatever The Case I Think Its Time To Close This Walkthrough For Good  
GA: There Is Too Much Going On And I May Be Needed To Assist Before Long  
TT: Well...  
TT: Maybe it's best I don't even compare our walkthroughs.  
TT: Either you're right and everything will fall into place, or you're wrong and a doomed timeline will set in. Whichever is the case, the Alpha timeline marches on.  
TT: If you feel like this is as far as we can take the document, I'll trust your judgment.  
GA: While Im Sure There Is Infinitely More I Could Add On The Unexpected Surprises This Game Throws At Us  
GA: I Would Rather Focus On Dodging Them  
TT: Point.  
TT: Then I suppose we should send the file to its inevitable destination.  
TT: Do you know where Eridan's got to?  
GA: Im Messaging Him Now  
GA: Well That Puts A Damper On Things  
TT: Please tell me he hasn't blown himself up.  
GA: No  
GA: Not Yet  
TT: Oh, this can only go beautiful directions.  
GA: Its Not Beautiful At All  
GA: Id Call This Alarming In Fact  
GA: Hes On Gamzees Trail  
TT: I'm going to stick to my original observation, I think.  
TT: How fucking beautiful.  
TT: Can he hold his position long enough for us to catch up with him?  
GA: It Appears So  
GA: I Had Better Skedaddle Before That Changes  
TT: Stay on the line so I can see you.  
GA: Of Course  
GA: Just Drop Me A Message If I Need To Renew Your View

Rose massaged her temple. It didn't bode well that any of the humans were working independently against Gamzee, but Eridan in particular sounded like a potential spongeache. With any luck, he was working with a future her -- or a future John or Jade -- and not just running around on his own. There were _really_ too many humans to keep track of for just the four of them.

Kanaya found Eridan on Equius's planet LOCAS, tapping his foot as he waited next to a Gate at the end of a deep cave. Rose wasn't sure if Kanaya and Eridan even exchanged pleasantries before he equipped his -- ugh -- "science" wand. Kanaya presented her computer to him and he flicked his wand, whipping up a quick but powerful spell that glowed bright enough that Rose had to glance away from her monitor for a moment.

He was a better spellcaster than the last time she'd worked with him. She liked to think that was still her influence at work, seeing as she'd helped pave his way in the art, but she couldn't say she was unimpressed by the self-motivation and skill required to practice to that level of expertise all on his own.

The spell faded. A familiar, glowing CA had been sealed to the bottom of Kanaya's document, ensuring that the contents had been uploaded to the timeless expanse of the Furthest Ring for a young Rose to discover in Alternia's past.

His work done, Eridan turned away -- his silly cape swishing in such a way that Rose couldn't decide whether it was dramatic or comical -- and disappeared through the Gate.

GA: Did It Work  
TT: It looked as if the spell went smoothly.  
GA: Yes That Was  
GA: Surprisingly Painless Actually  
TT: Well, that can only mean one thing.  
GA: What Is That  
TT: Something awful is inevitably about to happen, to cancel out our short burst of luck.  
GA: Did Your Seer Of Light Powers Indicate That  
TT: No, I don't think so.  
TT: At this point, it's just common sense.  
GA: Not That I Doubt Misfortune Is In Our Futures Given The Current Track Record With This Game  
GA: But That Sounds Like Cynicism If Not Downright Paranoia  
GA: Eridan Was Very Agreeable To The Task Is All  
GA: Thanks To You Apparently  
TT: Thanks to me? While I'd love to take credit for something I didn't do, I'm a bit baffled by this accusation.  
GA: He Said You Had Explained The Situation To Him Already  
TT: ...  
TT: Well, if the worst misfortune to befall me here is that I'm obligated to contact him in the past to keep the timeline running properly, I can't really complain.  
GA: Is This A Misfortune  
TT: I can't say I was particularly raring to engage Eridan in conversation again anytime soon, given our time limit, but this is not the worst part of my night by a long shot.  
GA: I Should Hope My Brother Is Not That Frustrating To Deal With  
GA: Though He Certainly Does Not Always Make The Best Impressions  
TT: I've endured worse eccentricies than his.  
TT: And apparently I succeed in convincing him, given he worked with you.  
GA: Thats Encouraging Right  
TT: I suppose.  
TT: Wish me luck that I can keep this short.  
GA: Luck Wished

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

She really wasn't in the mood to toy with timelines and switch chat windows, with their time running low as it already was. She moved back a few minutes and clicked on Eridan's chumphandle.

By sheer luck, when the viewport cleared up upon his reply, she saw that she'd caught him in the cave on his way to the Gate, following a heavy cloud of static.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

TT: We require your expertise. Kanaya needs to seal a document in the farthest reaches of the void in order to prevent a doomed timeline.  
CA: wwhile i can see wwhy youd come to me for that kind of job  
CA: youll have to wwait your turn  
CA: im kind of busy  
TT: It won't take more than a moment.  
TT: I can aid you with finding the magic spell you need and save you that much effort.  
TT: Science spell.  
CA: ymean science spe  
CA: oh you caught that this time nevver mind  
CA: i already knoww wwhat kind of spell i wwould need for that task dont bother tryin to pass that on like i cant figure that shit out myself  
CA: ivve been honin my skills all this time if you havvent already gathered  
TT: Well call me genuinely impressed by your improvements.  
TT: Do me this single favor in solidarity with your mentor, who got you started on the path to being a fully realized, er... science wizard?  
CA: wwhat do you got to heap on the guilt for  
CA: okay fine i can put my mission off a feww minutes for my old mentor and my sister  
CA: but make it snappy im tryin to get to the vveil  
TT: She'll be there soon.  
TT: In the meantime, what mission do you have in the veil? Are you working solo?  
CA: thats exactly wwhat im doin  
CA: noww that the cat girls dead no one else is any better at trackin than i am anywway  
CA: so im goin after gam alone  
TT: You realize you have very little chance of defeating Gamzee as he is?  
CA: wwell fuckin obvviously  
CA: im not gonna be stupid enough to try to defeat him or shit like that  
TT: I don't follow.  
CA: this wwhole session is fallin apart  
CA: and its goin to drag us dowwn wwith it if wwe dont find a wway to adapt here  
TT: And you're suggesting...?  
CA: joinin the glitch  
TT: What.  
CA: look at howw powwerful it made that idiot of a juggalo  
CA: imagine if it got the chance to possess someone wwith actual skill  
TT: Please tell me you did not just imply you're going to try to get it to possess you.  
CA: seems like a pretty reasonable request  
CA: i dont wwant to die a pointless fuckin death and it probably wwants a host less disgustin than a greasy clowwn  
CA: pretty ideal exchange for both of us  
TT: You're willing to lose your freewill in exchange for your life??  
CA: maybe  
CA: maybe not  
CA: ivve got evvery intention to keep my agency  
CA: its pretty clear ivve got more wwill powwer than gam evver did  
CA: so i dont see wwhy i cant livve in harmony wwith the glitch  
CA: itll givve me the ultimate game upgrade and ill help it destroy wwhatever the fuck it wwants gone  
TT: Are you fucking insane?!  
CA: wwhats your problem here  
TT: Well, to keep it short, you're voluntarily trying to join forces with a mindless computer error bent on endless destruction!  
CA: and howws this evven any of your business  
TT: Because people I care about are at stake here!  
TT: You're endangering what's left of your teammates because you've essentially given up on any chance of victory, thereby fulfilling your own prophecy and ensuring you'll most certainly never win this game!  
TT: You can't team up with this thing. You can't work with it. You most certainly can't control it.  
CA: you dont knoww that for sure  
CA: and its still a better chance of survvivval than wwaitin for it to pick us off  
TT: You can't risk this, not when you're gambling on your teammates as well as yourself!  
TT: If you fuck this up, you're not the only one likely to die from it!  
CA: jesus youre a bossy broad  
CA: ivve got this all figured out and i dont need anyones approvval for it  
CA: but kan just got here so ivve got to take care of that spell you mentioned  
TT: Eridan, stay the hell away from the glitch!!

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

Rose's fingers were almost too stiff to type, especially with her claws trying to extend to their full length. She breathed deeply through her nose, trying not to let even John pick up that she was _furious_ as she forced her hands to relax.

She just had to think of it as training for the inevitable difficulties of running an empire. There would always be fools trying to rebel in hazardous ways. She just had to crush them before they could harm anyone.

That would be easier, she imagined, if she actually shared a universe with the rebel in question. Throttling across dimensions was a bit beyond her abilities.

She couldn't even warn Kanaya before she approached Eridan about the walkthrough, since she hadn't shown any signs of knowing during their earlier chat. It was the first time Rose thought she might have understood why Dave seemed so bitter about the paradox-related duties he got wrapped up in whenever he time traveled.

She picked up Kanaya's conversation immediately after they'd left off, the soonest she dared interfere again.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

TT: You have to go after Eridan.  
GA: Er  
GA: Did Something Happen  
TT: He's going to join forces with the glitch.  
TT: Best case scenario, it kills him. Worst case scenario, it possesses him on top of Gamzee and you have two powerful psychotic killers running loose in your session.  
GA: What  
GA: Surely He Isnt That Foolish  
GA: Youre Certain You Understood Correctly  
GA: What Am I Talking About Of Course You Wouldnt Throw Baseless Accusations Around Without Further Research Youre You  
GA: Did You Have The Chance To Talk Sense Into Him Then  
TT: I tried. He wouldn't listen.  
TT: Maybe your words will hold more weight.  
GA: Im Pestering Him Now  
GA: The Conversation Isnt Very Encouraging So Far  
GA: I Will Go Back For Him  
TT: The last thing we need right now is another goddamn glitched player running around.  
GA: Or Dead  
TT: That's a close second, yes.  
TT: Are you willing to use force if need be?  
GA: I Dont Know  
GA: I Like To Hope The Need Wont Be  
TT: He very well may meet a fate worse than death if he confronts the glitch, not to mention any deaths he may cause in his wake.  
TT: I understand this is a lot to take in for someone who hasn't been groomed for a ruthless position of power since she was hatched, but please just keep that in mind when you find him.  
GA: I  
GA: Yes I Will Keep That In Mind Rose

Kanaya darted back down the cave and straight through the Gate at the end, landing in the bright meadows of LODAG. The fluorescent sky was already enough to make Rose wince and it was all the worse with the static from the glitching.

She thought Eridan might have been far enough ahead of Kanaya that it would be difficult to find his trail, but luck was at least somewhat on their side. His location wasn't immediately apparent on the viewport, but Kanaya must have seen something, as she kept moving without hesitation, her eyes locked ahead of her.

Three adult humans had stopped Eridan, gathered around him along with the girl Rose was fairly sure was called Feferi. The adult male looked quite similar to Eridan and one of the women seemed to be Feferi's lusus, but Rose couldn't place the woman in the red dress off the top of her head.

She couldn't be sure what was happening, except that they were talking to him with grim expressions, but she had a feeling they were all trying to pass along the message of "you're acting like a fucking idiot and please stop trying to break things."

Kanaya hung back, watching the group warily.

GA: I Think I Will Let His Uncle  
GA: Er  
GA: Our Father Feferis Mother And Aradias Mother Try To Handle This Before I Step In  
TT: Do they appear to be making progress?  
GA: Well  
GA: Not In Particular  
GA: His Uncle Is Trying To Convince Him That He  
GA: Ahem  
GA: Wvont Catch Any Chicks That Wvay  
GA: Oh Shit

Kanaya tensed as Eridan equipped his Wandkind, holding it aggressively towards the adults blocking his way. They all stepped back at first, as if they might retreat and leave him to his task, but the adult human "uncle" pushed forward immediately after.

A blast of light snaked out of Eridan's wand, splitting into three separate bolts that struck each adult straight through the bloodpusher. Rose winced. They were probably dead before they even knew what happened.

Feferi's face contorted into fury as she watched them collapse. She grabbed her weapon and dove at Eridan, but he had the advantage of a ranged attack. He turned his wand on her with such ferocity that the spell he unleashed almost blinded the viewport with white light. It completely enveloped Feferi and, when it faded, there wasn't even a trace of her left behind.

Rose's mouth was agape. That was the level of attack she'd saved for fighting the Black Queen and he'd casually thrown it against a fellow player? She wasn't sure if she was more horrified by the ruthlessness involved or the blatant waste of energy.

He glanced at Kanaya, gripping his weapon tightly, and waited for a reaction. She only stared at him with wide eyes, not moving an inch from where she stood, not even to grasp for her specibus. He sneered and stomped away.

TT: Kanaya?  
TT: Are you all right?  
TT: Kanaya, save the paralyzed shock for afterwards and please snap out of it!  
TT: Were you hit in the crossfire? Can you move?

Without even checking her messages, Kanaya's stunned expression faded and she tore after Eridan at top speed. She didn't take out her weapon until she was almost on him.

Eridan barely had time to look over his shoulder before Kanaya's chainsaw slashed right through the middle of his torso, showering her in blood. He fell to his knees while his top half collapsed a couple feet away.

Kanaya stood over him, breathing heavily and resting the tip of her weapon against the ground. She was still for a long moment, just taking in the carnage and corpses around her.

GA: Rose  
TT: Yes?  
GA: Theres Still Time Left  
GA: I Could Revive Him  
TT: Yes, that's a possibility.  
GA: But I Dont Believe I Should  
TT: I wouldn't talk you out of it if you felt otherwise inclined... but there is a distinct possibility that it will only end in chaos.  
GA: Yes And Then I May Have To Chainsaw Him Again  
GA: I Am Not Sure How I Feel About This  
TT: Regret?  
GA: Perhaps A Little  
GA: But Also  
GA: Relief  
GA: Tinted With Guilt  
TT: I wish I could have made the decision for you and spared you this confliction...  
TT: But if it makes you feel better, I don't think you had much choice.  
GA: No I Know  
GA: Thats Why I Feel Bad I Think  
GA: Because I Dont Actually Feel Bad  
GA: It Was A Shame And I Would Have Preferred Another Solution  
GA: But It Had To Be Done  
GA: And He Brought It On Himself With How Easily He Disposed Of Others Lives  
GA: So Fuck Him  
GA: Thats Probably Not A Nice Thing To Think About A Brother But Theres Not Much I Can Do About That  
TT: I don't know much about human brothers, but I don't imagine it's a nice thing to almost endanger your entire operation for selfish, cowardly reasons either.  
GA: Theres That Too  
GA: Rose Whats Left To This Game Now  
TT: I don't actually know anymore. Survival, I guess.  
GA: Eridan Is Dead  
GA: Nepeta And Equius Are Dead  
GA: Gamzee Would Probably Be Better Off Dead  
GA: It Looks As Though We Are All On The Verge Of Becoming Orphans  
GA: And Poor Aradia Died Before The Game Even Began  
TT: Did her doomed self ever meet her inevitable end?  
GA: What Doomed Self  
TT: An Aradia from another timeline appeared to stop me from interfering once.  
TT: I never saw what became of her.  
TT: But her chumphandle is still active, for whatever that's worth. Maybe she just didn't log out whenever she died.  
GA: No One Has Noticed A Dead Aradia Yet  
GA: Perhaps Shes Still Alive  
GA: She Is Quite Crafty  
TT: Or Skaia takes pity on doomed iterations when the Alpha is already gone.  
TT: Perhaps...  
GA: Perhaps What  
TT: I'm getting... the sense we should track her down.  
GA: Intuition Again  
TT: No. Seer of Light insight.  
TT: She learned things about Sburb in her timeline that we may have overlooked.  
GA: Well  
GA: We Are A Bit Out Of Ideas At The Moment  
GA: So I Will See What I Can Do About Finding Her Before The Timeline Runs Out  
GA: Its Better Than Staying Here Anyway

* * *

John felt a little lost without Vriska. It was too late to build a good camaraderie with another human, so it was pretty pointless to try working with one very seriously, but that left him with the options of sitting on his hands or talking with Karkat.

It wasn't a very difficult choice.

At least Karkat was entertaining, even if they didn't accomplish much together. They just gave each other someone to talk to as John killed time and Karkat followed past Jade's orders.

For as much as he enjoyed Karkat's company, John knew better than to prioritize it over company that helped him get shit done. He switched back to Vriska's chat window as soon as he saw it flash with a new message.

AG: Hey, John.  
GT: vriska!!!!!!!!  
AG: Long time, no see.  
GT: yeah!

The viewport cleared. She was back on her planet and dressed in the same bright orange colors that Rose wore after going God Tier, though the cut of the outfit was different. Vriska didn't have wings for some reason and he was pretty sure they weren't just hidden, given that her shirt didn't have any slits for them in the back.

He didn't have long to admire her upgraded look, as his attention jolted to the figure at her feet. The human with the four-wheeled device lay on his side in a pool of bright red blood (it reminded John of Dave's blood; he shuddered at the memory). There was a gaping hole in his torso, presumably caused by the bloody lance lying a few feet away.

GT: uh.  
GT: what happened?  
GT: isn't that one of your friends?  
AG: Yeah.  
AG: That's what I thought too.  
AG: Turns out you never know who your real friends are until it's too late.  
AG: Then 8am. They're trying to 8acksta8 you. Have fun washing the stains out of your awesome new God Tier jammies if you're the survivor of that encounter.  
GT: oh jeez...  
GT: i'm sorry. :( that fucking blows.  
GT: he just... attacked you?  
AG: Yeeeeeeeep.  
AG: Some people, John. You help them all you can and they still hold grudges over one little thing.  
GT: :(  
GT: what grudge?  
AG: Meh. He thought I was daaaaaaaangerous 8ecause I can destroy planets now.  
GT: holy shit, you can?  
GT: like in theory or... did you seriously blow up a motherfucking planet?  
AG: I am 888% certain I can do that, seeing as I did everyone a f8vor and 8lew up Prospit.  
GT: i  
GT: you WHAT????  
AG: It was glitching up to fuck and 8ack, idiot! I had to!  
GT: but it's PROSPIT!!!  
GT: that place is important! like, really fucking important! a lot of carapacians and dream selves live there!  
GT: BLUH BLUH LIVED THERE PAST TENSE. goddammit, vriska!  
AG: Don't even give me the self-righteous lecture, Eg8ert!  
AG: I was the only one with the guts to do what was needed to keep this session together. Dream Terezi was like, noooooooo, don't destroy the place, not this golden shithole that's already FALLING APART and clearly a8out to wreck shit up for us!  
AG: 8ut I did it anyway 8ecause I'm the 8ig damn re8el hero who gets shit done even when the rest of the world thinks I'm the 8ad guy!  
AG: I mean, who knows what the glitching was going to do to the other Prospit dreamers? What if Karkat got possessed in his sleep, huh? What would happen if he God Tiered with a glitched dream self?  
AG: What would have happened if DREAM GAMZEE woke up when he's glitched?  
AG: I pro8a8ly saved everyone on that planet from a waaaaaaaay worse fate than a dead dream self!  
AG: 8esides, it was the fastest way to start leveling up on my new echeladder. How are we supposed to take down a glitched up monster if we're not top notch?  
GT: there really wasn't another way? you couldn't wait for the other dreamers to god tier first? :\  
AG: How long was I supposed to wait???????? Shit was 8ad N8W and who knows if the others would EVER get there?  
AG: So when would it have been "safe" to take care of it?  
GT: i don't know...  
GT: i guess you're right.  
AG: See? I was just 8eing smart! You're the first one to get it!  
GT: i really wish there'd been another way though. but if the glitching was THAT bad...  
AG: Ohhhhhhhhh, John, trust me. It was 8AD. Most of the dreamers' towers looked ready to collapse if another graphical glitch hit them in just the wrong spot.  
AG: And the glitched up CARAPACIANS? UUUUUUUUGH! If you thought the IMPS were creepy and gross, that's NOTHING to a glitching carapacian!  
AG: I put those poor freaks out of their misery!  
GT: yuck. D:  
AG: Exactly. SOMEONE here needs to 8e proactive!  
AG: This game is out to kill us. So we have to kill it first.  
AG: Now that I'm God Tier, it's a8out damn time someone tried taking Gamzee down.  
GT: uh, are you sure about that? rose was just having some trouble with someone else trying something like that...  
AG: Oh, god, the Eridan thing? Yeah, I heard a8out that.  
AG: You pro8a8ly never met Eridan, 8ut let me reassure you, he was NOWHERE near my league, John.  
AG: I'm 88x 8etter to 8egin with, and now I'm God Tier too!  
GT: that's true. this guy sounded like he had very different motivations too and kind of didn't even stand a chance.  
AG: Right! So nothing like me!  
AG: And with you to watch my 8ack, how can we lose? ::::)  
AG: You're with me, right, John?  
GT: hell yes. :D let's kick some clown ass.


	27. Act 2.15

Flight was still awesome even when the flying in question involved someone else. Vriska no longer had to rely on Gates to get around the Medium and could instead shoot off to whatever damn planet she wanted without trying to remember the sequence of which Gate led to which hive. It reminded John of when he'd first learned to fly. She could even make her way to the Battlefield or, more relevant just then, clear to the edge of the session.

No one had seen Gamzee recently, for better or worse, but the last anyone could tell, he was still wandering around the Veil and getting up to who even knew what kind of mischief in the various labs across the meteors. It was the best lead they had and Vriska made to follow it.

Even with flight, the journey from LOMAT to the Veil was lengthy to the point John almost wondered if it _would_ have been faster to find and use one of the transportalizers instead. Oh well, it gave Vriska time to practice flying and get used to her new status as God Tier, and obviously he didn't mind having a relatively quiet moment to just chat out of boredom instead of necessity.

She was probably halfway to her destination when someone gave John a light shove from behind.

"Hey." Dave hopped onto the counter next to John's computer, peeking at the screen. "Where you at on the timeline now?"

John switched windows from Vriska's chat to the overall Trollian timeline, hovering the mouse over his spot to show Dave. "Pretty far along. Vriska and I are trying to take the glitch head-on."

Dave nodded. "Sounds stupid."

"Probably," John said with a snort, "but it's worth a shot, right?"

Dave shrugged, glancing away. "Whatever, man." He hunched over, holding his hands between his knees. "Y'know... I wasn't joking about Vriska earlier. She gives me a bad feeling."

John laughed. "But you barely know her. Why are you so nervous?"

"Can you just trust me?" His voice was weirdly quiet.

"You don't have to look after me, you know." John bumped Dave's arm with his knuckles. "I've been talking to her a long time now. She's a little rash and doesn't always think things through, but I know she means well. You trust _me_ , right?"

Dave stared at him a moment and nodded. He slid off the counter and caught John's shoulder, giving it a squeeze before returning to his computer station without another word.

John frowned after him. He wondered if Dave had heard about some of the recent nonsense Vriska had gotten into or something. She certainly had taken measures that John didn't particularly approve of, so maybe Dave was overreacting to that. But Vriska was fine. She got a little ahead of herself sometimes, but she was doing her best.

She could probably use a moirail to ground her, come to think of it. Hopefully she'd find a nice calming one she could protect sometime, once the game was over.

Oh boy, that reminded him. He really needed to address a pretty similar topic with her.

GT: hey vriska, i've been thinking about what you said earlier...  
GT: about, uh. d8ing.  
GT: and the truth is, i am having a lot of conflicting romance feelings lately! so for now, i kind of want to just stay friends.  
GT: i reeeeeeeeally like you and you're the gr8test friend... which is why i think it is important that i don't rush into anything! because it would suck a lot if it didn't work out and that hurt our friendship! it would suck for both of us!  
GT: so until i am more sure of all this romance business in general, i think we should just avoid it.  
GT: i hope you do not mind, because i do like you a lot, as a friend.  
AG: ........That is one of the nicest rejections anyone's ever given me.  
AG: Way nicer than how I 8roke up with Eridan, anyway.  
GT: you're not mad?  
AG: I can't deny 8eing disappointed, 8ut I'm stronger than that, John, c'moooooooon.  
AG: I don't need a 8oy to valid8 me.  
AG: The only one missing out here is you. :::;P  
GT: yes, exactly. there is too much going on for romance right now anyway!  
AG: Well, duh, that's why I suggested we don't d8 until afterwards, genius.  
GT: oh yeah...  
GT: well either way. we'll worry about it when we don't have killer glitches breathing down our necks!  
AG: 8ut for now assume we're staying as friends?  
GT: yes, good, we are on the same track.  
AG: Fair enough.  
AG: I don't even know what trolls look like, come to think of it. Are we even compatible?  
GT: we're actually pretty similar-looking! i guess because we created your universe, so you share most of our traits.  
GT: you don't have gray skin or horns or sharp teeth, but beyond that we appear pretty similar.  
GT: oh, but don't tell karkat that! i'm tricking him into thinking we're freaky alien monsters.  
AG: Hahahahahahahaha, got it. I won't spoil your fun!  
GT: thank you. it is no fun at all if pranks are spoiled by outsiders.  
AG: What the fuck!!!!!!!!  
GT: er, is that wrong? did i step on a cultural taboo?  
AG: No, not you!  
AG: Why is that Strider guy contacting me?  
GT: oh!  
GT: ohhhhh fuck...  
GT: that's probably past dave being a goddamn idiot. >:\ just tell him to fuck off and ignore him.  
GT: sorry, we didn't catch what a stupid douche he'd been until it was too late to stop him.  
AG: I thought he was your 8rother!  
GT: he is, he is my best bro, but he is my best bro who didn't think shit through and did a major dumb.  
GT: he's sorry and has stopped doing that though.  
AG: Yeah, whatever, I 8locked him and he left me alone easily enough at least.  
GT: phew.  
GT: how much further until you reach the veil?  
AG: Well, the meteors up ahead are getting kinda 8ig, if that's any indic8or...  
GT: okay, well, the veil is kind of a huge place, so it might be hard to find him!  
AG: Relaaaaaaaax, John. My luck's on it.  
GT: your luck can track people down? since when?  
AG: Well, I'm spotting some pretty intense activity on one of those meteors that is proooooooo8a8ly not all that normal of a sight out here in the 8oonies.  
AG: How's that for luck? ::::)  
GT: oh, wow. you think it's him?  
AG: I'm checking there first, that's for sure!

Vriska shot for a meteor with a small explosion of static erupting from it. As she grew nearer, John spotted four figures moving along the surface. By the time she reached the meteor, three of them had grown still.

She landed right in the midst of the swarm of static, already poised for a fight. Gamzee had his back to her, dragging his bloody juggling pins as he marched away. Three adult humans lay scattered around her, all of them covered in deep wounds. As far as John could tell, none of them were still breathing.

He winced. Okay, that was becoming _way_ too familiar of a sight lately.

AG: Well, damn, someone tried to 8eat me to reaching Gamzee, I guess.  
GT: D:  
AG: Sucks to 8e them. Should've w8ed for me!  
AG: I'm the hero here. If our stupid guardians understood that, may8e they'd stop dying!  
AG: God, I think we're out of them 8y now.  
GT: :(  
GT: i'm sorry.  
AG: Meh! No one will miss them. Their kids are already dead.  
GT: that doesn't really sound better to me? D:  
AG: Whatever! I think greaseface over there finally noticed me, so........  
AG: This is it, John.  
AG: Wish me luck.  
AG: Not that I need it!!!!!!!! :::;)  
GT: kick his ass, vriska!

Gamzee tilted his head back to glance over his shoulder, his eyes widening and his mouth twitching into a smirk as he caught sight of Vriska. He darted at her so fast that John hadn't even caught him turning around. He was in front of her in the blink of an eye -- John was fairly sure that was faster than even Dave's best flashstep -- and he slammed a club down.

John tensed, but Vriska leapt backwards and the club only hit the ground, spewing meteor dirt and static into the air. She threw her dice, practically dancing out of his reach. The air above the meteor sparked in a white glitch almost like a strobe light and the ground rumbled as her dice made their call.

Gamzee lifted his weapon, then hesitated. The rumble grew worse as the meteor's position slowly shifted, picking up speed. Vriska nabbed her dice and took to the air as the meteor started to take off towards Skaia. Before it could travel far, another burst of static shot out of Gamzee and he disappeared as if disintegrating into the glitch itself. If John squinted, he could see the static travel off the meteor.

Well, that was one ability John hadn't realized was in Gamzee's repertoire and really wished _fucking wasn't_.

The meteor continued on to fly right into one of Skaia's defense portals, manned only by three corpses (and possibly some paradox clone babies, depending on which rides they hitched to Earth).

John couldn't read lips, but he was pretty sure Vriska swore as she tore after the traces of Gamzee. No sooner had his static landed on the nearest meteor and he regained a recognizably human form, she threw her dice again. The same flashing glitch lit up around the meteor, giving it a steady push towards Skaia.

Gamzee scowled before disappeared in another burst of static, moving to another meteor to repeat the same chase with Vriska over and over again. The pattern repeated like a boring boss fight, with neither side making any progress as meteor after meteor took off towards Skaia with each throw of Vriska's dice.

John was glad she'd equipped a hands-free computer before the fight started or he wouldn't dare try to distract her.

GT: holy shit, what the hell's even going on?  
GT: why are the meteors shooting to skaia?  
GT: has the reckoning started?  
AG: No, this has to 8e my luck giving us an advantage. I'm rolling all highs.  
GT: how the fuck is a premature reckoning lucky???  
AG: Well it's only sending off one meteor at a time, not ALL of them... So I don't think it's actually the Reckoning, just another glitch. It's acting in my f8vor for once.  
AG: And the only meteors getting sent are the ones Gamzee lands on........  
AG: Hang on, I've got an idea.

The next time she chased Gamzee to a new meteor, instead of reaching for her specibus, she went for her sylladex. A huge assortment of items flew out -- probably more than she intended considering how the glitching liked to fuck with the inventory system. Gamzee dodged the main barrage of items, but a blood-stained lance caught his pantleg and embedded itself in the surface of the meteor, pinning him down.

She threw her dice and again an intense glitch sent the meteor hurtling towards Skaia like the others, only this time Gamzee was busy trying to dislodge the lance from his fabric instead of glitch'porting to safety.

Vriska hovered in the empty space where the meteor had been ten seconds prior, watching after her handiwork with her hand wrapped tightly around her retrieved dice. It looked as if Gamzee might remain on the meteor for the full ride to Skaia, but just as a portal to Earth opened up, they spotted another burst of static shoot off towards one of the planets instead.

AG: Shit, no!!!!!!!!  
AG: D8MMIT! That should have fucking done it!  
GT: at least you're okay!  
AG: UGH.  
AG: 8ut I can't 8elieve I'm going to have to crawl after him for a REMATCH.  
AG: I HAD him, John!  
GT: well for most of that you kind of sucked and didn't land any hits, actually.  
GT: but now you know what to expect from him and hopefully can prepare for it more.  
AG: I will DEFIN8LY gut that 8astard when I see him again!  
GT: yeah!  
GT: let's regroup and think up a strategy.  
AG: Oh, I've already got the start of an idea there...  
GT: what?  
AG: My luck kept sending off meteors... and he was REALLY CAREFUL to avoid flying off on one, even though the end result is just crash landing on Earth........  
AG: I don't think he wants to leave the Medium!  
GT: really? 'cos he doesn't want to lose his prey?  
GT: or...  
GT: wait. what if the glitch is useless outside of the game?  
AG: Mmmmmmmm-hm, you read my mind, John.  
AG: We may have just found its weakness. ::::)

John straightened. "Rose!" He caught her hand and shook it to nab her attention. "Rose, I think the glitch can't survive outside of the game! It's being really careful to avoid Skaia's defense portals!"

Jade gasped from across the block, raising her head from her monitor. "Ohh, that'd make sense!" she said, clapping in excitement -- meanwhile, Dave's headphones were apparently loud enough that he hadn't even noticed their clamor. "It probably can't cause as much destruction in the real world since there's no programming in the environment to take advantage of!"

Rose glanced between the two of them with a slightly confused expression. "So you're saying if we can force it out of Sburb, it will be more or less powerless?"

Jade nodded. "It's just a theory, but it seems likely! It could lose most of its strength, or maybe it'll outright die in the new environment like a fish out of water!"

"I'll trust the computer expert to know about this concept better than I." Rose furrowed her brow. "Is this an advantage we can actually utilize though?"

John hesitated. How _were_ they supposed to do anything with that? They must have tried to send Gamzee through two dozen portals and he'd escaped them all -- not to mention that John couldn't think of _any_ way to send Daveglitch out of the game. "Uh... Maybe?"

Rose nodded. "Well, it's still good information to have." She squeezed John's hand before turning back to her keyboard. "I'll see if I can come up with anything."

"Me too!" Jade said. "I'll think on it!"

John sighed. At least they had _something_ to work with, which was better than they'd managed for the past few hours. He returned to Trollian and was relieved to see Vriska hadn't noticed his brief unannounced absence. She had landed on a stable meteor and was going through what was left of her inventory with a frown.

GT: okay, my friends and i have got nothing for now, but hopefully rose or jade can think up a plan!  
AG: I already have something, actually, on my end at least?  
GT: really?  
AG: Yeah. We should drop 8y the 8attlefield and get the Reckoning REALLY going.  
GT: whoa what? you'll lose the game if that happens!  
AG: Noooooooo, we just have to time it right!  
AG: If we can get more of Skaia's defense portals open, my luck will definitely find an opportunity to throw Gamzee into one! And then the source of the glitch is gone and we can focus on 8eating the game 8efore Skaia's destroyed. ::::)  
GT: hrm...  
GT: but that's a reeeeeeeeally risky move, vriska.  
GT: what if something goes wrong and you run out of portals before you can corner gamzee into one?  
GT: or if you can't beat the black royalty faster than the meteors pound the battlefield?  
GT: this could kill EVERYONE if you're not careful!  
AG: And what happens if we do nothing to stop Gamzee?  
GT: er...  
AG: Everyone still dies.  
AG: This is ME we're talking about, John! I'm going to 8e the gr8test hero this game's ever seen!  
AG: I can handle a little time limit, then save the day. I have aaaaaaaall the luck, after all!  
GT: shouldn't we wait a little, in case someone else comes up with a better plan? this seems like it's better for a last-ditch effort.  
AG: SIIIIIIIIGH.  
AG: Whose side are you on?  
GT: i am on the side that is not stupid.  
AG: >::::(  
GT: shrug. this IS pretty stupid.  
AG: 8ut it's our 8est chance! You know I'm good for this, John!  
AG: Don't you?  
GT: well, yeah. i just don't want you or anyone else getting hurt. so while there are less risky options available, i think we should take them?  
AG: I think you're trying to be sweet here, but you're not thinking 8ig enough.  
AG: What iiiiiiiif... we wait too long and Gamzee catches one of us unawares and someone dies who we could have saved if we'd just acted sooner?  
AG: You see what I mean?  
GT: oh. shit, yeah, i guess that's true.  
GT: ...promise you'll be careful though? this IS risky still.  
AG: I won't even need to, but if it will ease your PARANOID ALIEN MIND, then yes. I will 8e careful just for you.  
GT: thank you.  
GT: :)  
AG: God, you worry over the dum8est shit.  
GT: >:P  
GT: how are you planning to get the reckoning moving anyway?  
AG: Shenanigans!  
AG: Nah, sa8otage on the 8attlefield, mostly. Figure the 8lack King has a few tricks up his sleeve we can take advantage of.  
GT: we have to make sure gamzee's nearby too!  
AG: Of coooooooourse. I'll check who's feeling useful enough to go on clown monitoring duty. May8e Kanaya.  
AG: Oh shit.  
GT: what?  
AG: My sister. >::::\  
GT: terezi's an "oh shit" bad thing?  
AG: This past year? Yes.  
AG: She's 8een such a fucking naaaaaaaag.  
AG: Yep, here we go, 8lah 8lah 8lah, lecture time again.  
GT: :\  
AG: Oh my god, she's just pissed a8out Prospit, seriously?  
AG: Ugh, sorry, John. This may take a few minutes.  
GT: bluh. unavoidable, huh?  
AG: Yep.  
AG: 8.R.8.  
GT: ok, see you in a few.

John leaned back, giving his eyes a rest from sitting so close to the monitor while he waited. He hadn't dared to relax while Vriska confronted Gamzee; he couldn't just look away when his friend was in danger. His shoulders had grown stiff from leaning forward so much too.

Even without sound, John could tell Vriska was right: Terezi was giving some sort of lecture and looking none too pleased about it. Vriska rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, visibly sighing when Terezi went on for too long. They exchanged what looked like more than a few tense words and Terezi prickled all the more for it.

Terezi scowled but bowed her head as if submitting to Vriska's argument. Vriska turned her back on Terezi and waved over her shoulder as her feet floated a couple of inches off the ground.

Before Vriska could properly take to the sky, Terezi lifted her cane and drove it through Vriska's back.

John's breath caught. The image didn't even seem real. The tip of the cane stuck out of the front of Vriska's chest as she froze.

Vriska fell and the screen turned to static. John's blood pusher constricted as he waited for her to revive, waited for Trollian to pick up on her signal again, waited for her to send him a message swearing about what a pain in the ass it was to revive.

It was taking too long. He moved ahead in the timeline, just by half an hour or so.

He waited for the static to lift as she messaged him back. And waited. And waited. And got nervous enough to start playing with the timeline controls again, moving ahead just by half an hour or so.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] \--

GT: vriska?

He scarcely breathed as he waited, but the connection didn't pick up. He grabbed the mouse and moved further ahead.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] \--

GT: vriska!!!!!!!!

She'd never ignore eight exclamation marks, but maybe she was making an exception, just this once. She was busy or angry at him or something. She was capable of answering and refusing to, that _had_ to be it. He moved near the very end of the timeline.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] \--

GT: vriskaaaaaaaa!  
GT: please answer........

He waited a full five minutes, until the timeline slipped into that mysterious "end" where all communication cut off. There was no reply.

With shaking hands, he dragged the timeline back to when he'd last seen her, right where his viewport had given out, and clicked the username next to hers. The static let up as his message was answered. Vriska was face-first on the ground, candy red blood pouring out around her. Terezi sat near her, her knees pulled up.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

GT: why??  
GC: :[  
GC: SH3 W4S GO1NG TO G3T US K1LL3D  
GT: she was just trying to help!  
GT: terezi, she was your friend!  
GC: SH3 W4S D4NG3ROUS 4ND 1 COULDNT L3T H3R HURT 4NYON3 3LS3  
GC: TH3 G4M3 4GR33D W1TH M3  
GC: D4V3 4GR33D W1TH M3

John stood so fast that Jade and Rose started. Dave was the only one who didn't respond, as he tapped a beat against the counter, his shades aimed squarely at his monitor.

John wanted to grab him by the front of his shirt and throw him against a wall. He wanted to snatch the headphones out of his ears and rip the wires in two. He wanted to bare his teeth and hiss -- anything to fight off the urge to cry -- but that wasn't fair. Maybe Terezi was mistaken or he'd misread her stupid leet spelling. Dave wouldn't do that. (Even if he'd spent the last few hours telling John that he didn't trust Vriska.)

Dave raised his head as John approached and popped his earbuds out. "John?"

John bit his lip and balled his hands into fists in an attempt to calm their shaking. He couldn't look Dave in the face, let alone address him.

Dave sighed and pushed away from his station, standing to face John. He shrugged. "So you finally caught up on the timeline."

A surge of anger rose so fast in John's throat that he couldn't hold back a snarl. "What the hell did you do?" He could keep his volume low, but it didn't stop the growl that slurred his words.

Dave's shoulders slumped in another shrug. "I was helping Terezi."

"When did you help her _murder Vriska_?"

Jade glanced between them and her monitor, her eyes wide in confusion, but Rose was already on her feet, her hand resting on the back of her chair. Dave's lips thinned into a line and he didn't respond.

John stepped forward and was disappointed -- if unsurprised -- that Dave didn't back away. "Why the hell didn't you tell me this was gonna happen?"

"What was I supposed to do?" Dave stuck his hands in his pockets but was otherwise completely still. "Say, 'hey, John, I helped kill that alien you're flushing on' and hope to fuck you didn't try to stop it from happening and create another doomed timeline? If I'd warned you that she was a threat, would you really have believed me?"

"She wasn't a threat!" John's eyes watered and he fought for his voice. "She never meant to do anything wrong!"

"See, you can't accept it even after she died a Just death. What more proof do you fucking need?"

"You don't know it was Just! What if it was a Heroic death?"

Dave scowled. "She wouldn't know Heroic if it bit her in the ass like a rabid woofbeast. She could walk around infected by Heroic until she died from the overdose and her death would still be Just."

"She was my _friend_!" John shouted.

" _I'm_ your friend!" Dave's voice rose to match John's. "Vriska was a psychopath you knew for ten hours!"

Before he could register what he was doing, John's fist flew into Dave's face. There was a loud crack as glass shattered and metal snapped. A sharp pain shot over John's knuckles and two colors of blood spurted into the air as fragments of Dave's shades cut through two sets of skin.

Jade yelled John's name and Rose caught John's shoulder in a firm grip. Dave stumbled backwards and held a hand over his wound. What remained of his shades -- one lens in perfect shape, the other a broken and blood-covered mess -- sat askew on his face, his red eyes in plain sight. Bright candy red blood dripped over his eye and down his cheek, pieces of glass embedded in his skin, but the eye itself was undamaged.

Everything felt wrong. Dave could dodge circles around John in sparring, but he hadn't moved. He had let John hit him, John realized with a sickening jolt as Dave raised wide -- _frightened_? -- eyes at him.

Tears stung at John's eyes so fast that he didn't have a chance to blink them back. "What the fuck's wrong with you?" His voice wavered. "The only thing you've done since we got stuck on this stupid meteor is fucking sabotage everything."

"John," Jade nearly squeaked.

John shook off Rose's hand and stormed to the transportalizer, refusing to look back. No one tried to stop him.


	28. Act 2.16

Jade couldn't decide what mess to look at. John was gone, Dave's blood was bright red like a human's, and they still had obligations to the humans to worry about.

"Strider?" Rose said.

Dave stared at the transportalizer with a startled expression, but he snapped out of his stupor at the sound of Rose's voice. His eyes went wide and he spun around, pressing both hands over his wounded face.

"So. Candy red."

Dave tensed. "Shut up."

"I'll applaud your ingenuity." Rose crossed her arms. "You hid your blood in plain sight and yet none of us guessed it."

"Shut the fuck up."

"Is that why you let John strike you?" she said, her voice toneless save for a lilt of curiosity. "He's the only person who knew you're a mutant, after all."

Jade snapped out of her shock to gasp. "He's a _mutant_?"

"Yes, Jade, I'm a _goddamn freakshow_ over here." Dave ripped the broken glasses from his face. "Fucked up blood, premature irises... It's a fucking wonder I have horns. Maybe I'm just a human in gray makeup!"

Jade flinched -- less at Dave's volume and more at the knowledge that she'd contributed to his agitation -- but Rose only hummed to herself. "I'd long suspected you suffered from internalized hemophobia, but this explains a great deal more than that," Rose said.

"Oh, beautiful, I get a fistful of glass, my freak blood revealed, and a free session of psychoanalysis. It's like fucking twelfth perigee's eve in here, isn't it?" He shot Rose a glare, giving them both their first good view of his wounds.

Rose adjusted her stance, her mouth dipping into a frown. "Jade, can you fetch some medical supplies?"

More than happy to abscond from the awkward tension in the air -- with the excuse of being useful, no less -- Jade darted for the transportalizer before Dave could argue. She was pretty sure she knew of a nearby infirmary on the meteor, and if that didn't have the right supplies she could fiddle with an alchemiter. She kept an ear out for John as she searched for bandages and tweezers, but he must have flown off in another direction.

She liked to hope she made good time, but it felt like hours had passed in the computer lab since she left. Rose sat at her usual station, almost as if she was back to work on the human session, but her chair was faced away from her computer as she watched Dave from afar.

Dave was also at his computer and not using it. He sat with his arms wrapped around his pulled up knees. His face -- his bleeding wound -- was buried against his legs and hidden from sight. His headphones were jammed in his ears and his shattered shades sat on the counter beside his computer.

Rose glanced over at the sound of the transportalizer and Jade held up her haul, looking from Rose to Dave.

Rose stood and sighed. "All he's done is swear at me." She met Jade halfway across the room and shrugged. "I can't get near him, emotionally or physically, I'm afraid." Before Jade could reply, Rose leaned in close and whispered, "Will you be all right with him? I should have gone after John a while ago, but I couldn't risk leaving Dave alone."

Jade nodded and hoped her smile looked reassuring. She didn't drop it until Rose was gone.

She grabbed her chair and pulled it next to Dave's, close enough that he was in easy reach when she plopped down. "Dave?" she said, but she had a feeling he couldn't hear her, considering his music was audible even to her. She caught the wire on his nearest earbud and gave it an experimental tug. When he didn't slap her away -- or respond at all -- she pulled it out. "Hi Dave," she said. "I brought tweezers."

He didn't reply. Or move, more importantly.

"C'mon, look at me." She batted at his shoulder. "We gotta get that glass out of there before it does more damage. I know we're immortal, but let's not find out how untreated wounds heal unless we have to." She sighed when he remained still. She caught his arm and pulled at it until he had to wrench out of her grip.

"Don't look at it." His words were buried under his arms, but she managed to make them out.

"Look at what?"

He just readjusted his limbs back to where they were before she disturbed him.

"I'm not saying you should have told us that you're a mutant. You wanted it to be a secret and that's okay." She reached out and papped him on the arm. "But just so you know, I would have understood."

He snorted.

"No, listen." She kept papping absentmindedly. "You, Rose, and John are the only people I've ever told about my blood. I lived far away from other trolls, so it never came up in real life, then everyone online assumed I was jadeblooded and I just... let them believe that."

She chewed on her lower lip, trying to decide the most appropriate way to word things. "The thing is, I kinda lied when I told you limebloods weren't culled to extinction. As far as I can tell, I'm the last one." She pulled her hand away. "I know it's not the same, but if the wrong person got wind of my blood, I would have been killed just as fast as a mutant. So, I can kind of understand!"

He stirred, then lifted his head enough that his red eyes peered at her. "Are you seriously fucking smiling?"

She quirked her mouth. "Hm?"

He lowered his gaze. To her relief, he chuckled a little.

She scooted closer. "Can I fix you up now?"

He took a deep breath. "Yeah. Sure." He unfurled himself slowly, his eyes averted, until he sat in a mostly normal position. She still had to catch his chin and make him turn enough that she could get a good aim at his wounds.

The bleeding wasn't too bad, all things considered. It had stopped pretty fast, before it could hide the dark glass from sight. He sat still for her and didn't even cringe when she caught the tip of a shard and pried it out of his skin. She dropped it onto the counter, next to the rest of his maimed shades.

"Do you want to talk?"

"No."

"Too bad." She waited until she had the tweezers in his skin again so that it would hurt if he tried to run. "You can't keep things from us like that anymore."

He avoided her gaze and said nothing.

"That was really stupid. John was stupid too, but that doesn't make you any less stupid."

"I know that." His voice had the undertones of a growl. "You think I haven't spent the last few hours telling myself that?"

She glared. "And now you're gonna hear it from me! It's stupid enough it bears repeating! Dave, all you had to do was _tell someone_! But no, coolkid Strider's gotta keep everything to himself, even if it's really important and will get him in a ton of trouble and isn't cool at all!"

He grit his teeth and took a sharp inhale of breath as she yanked another piece of glass from his skin. He wrenched his face away before she could reach for another wound.

"This is just like when you threatened Karkat and his friends!" She caught his shoulder in case he tried to run but didn't force him to turn back. "Instead of being sensible and asking for help, you just hide away and hope no one ever finds out!"

"It's fucking _sensible_ to shout out your fuck ups so everyone can take better aim at you?"

She was thrown too off-guard to find her voice for a moment, but she kept her volume low when she spoke again. "The world's not out to get you anymore, Dave." She inched closer to him, ready to pull away at the first sign that he didn't want the contact, and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "We're your _friends_. We want to be there for you and that's not going to change no matter how stupid you've been or what color your blood is." She gave him a squeeze. "You just need to give us that chance before you fuck something up so bad that we can't fix it."

He still wouldn't look at her. "Too fucking late."

"No, it's not." She papped his uninjured cheek.

"It is for John."

She took a deep breath. "Maybe. I don't know. You may have gone too far this time. Either way, Rose and I are still here for both of you dummies. I like to think you'd be there for me too, if I ever dug myself into a pile of crap and needed pulled out."

"Harley, if you were ever caught in a pile of shit, I wouldn't even waste time finding a shovel." He bopped her lightly on the head. "I'd dig you out with my bare hands and not even complain about the stench afterwards."

She giggled and gave his shoulder one last squeeze before unwrapping herself. "Don't do this again," she whispered. "I don't want a schism between any of us."

He raised his head towards her. "I'm sorry."

"I know." She reached for the tweezers and held them up.

He sighed, then nodded. He actually cringed when she caught a piece of glass, but he let her clean his wounds without another interruption.

* * *

John took to the air as soon as he finished transportalizing. If anyone was following him, he wasn't going to give away his location with footsteps. He flew through two halls and took another transportalizer, heading so deep into the lab that he wasn't entirely sure where he was. He didn't stop until he reached an endlessly large room and soared to a higher platform that was unreachable without flight -- not that that would deter anyone he wanted to avoid, but it still felt safer.

He sat with his back hunched and his arms wrapped around himself. He'd never speak to her again and he hadn't even said a proper good-bye. Maybe it would have been too late to save her, but if Dave had just _warned him_ , he could have said _something_ meaningful as she confronted Terezi instead of casually replying to her 8.R.8. as if she was just taking an ablution chamber break.

He let out a muffled shriek and rolled across the ground -- almost right off the platform, because who the fuck cared, he could fly. He turned onto his back and slammed both of his fists against the floor, hard enough they made a satisfying, echoing clamor. He didn't care what his maturity levels were reaching, it felt _so much better_ than crying. He didn't even feel the sting of the cuts along his knuckles.

His tears stopped, but he couldn't kill the longing that pulled at him to open Trollian just one more time.

He sat up and sniffled, determined to hold his emotions back as he took his husktop out of his sylladex. He hadn't used Trollian on it since they were first stranded on the meteor, but to his relief most of his settings from the desktop had transferred to his account on other devices, including the handles of all the humans. He selected Vriska's timeline a few months before she played Sburb and opened a new chat window.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] \--

GT: vriska?   
AG: Do I know you?   
GT: no, not yet. but we'll be friends someday!!!!!!!!   
AG: Oh, of course. I tooooooootally 8elieve you too.   
GT: sorry, that probably sounds pretty crazy. but it's true!   
GT: and unfortunately under some pretty bad circumstances.   
GT: my name is john. and i just wanted to talk to you once before everything goes to hell.   
AG: Everything hasn't gone to hell already? That's news to me.   
GT: is something wrong?   
AG: Well, John, you're the first person who's contacted me since I got out of juvie. You tell me.   
GT: i don't know what that is, but i'm sure your friends miss you more than you realize, if you just talked to them again!   
AG: Hahahahahahahaha, now you're really talking cr8zy.   
GT: no, really! they care for you, even if you make mistakes. that's what friends are for!   
GT: and you're really gr8, no matter what you think.   
AG: You know, this would 8e really sweet of you if I didn't think you were a troll.   
GT: i am a troll, but i'm not trolling you.   
GT: i'll talk to you again in the future and i won't know you anymore. but i'll think you're awesome, i promise.   
GT: but i'll also be a dumb goof. i'll want to help you be as gr8 as possible, vriska, i swear i did, but the thing is i'm not that great.   
GT: so i'm sorry.   
GT: i really like you. and i'll really miss you.   
GT: you'll do your best and it'll be amazing.   
GT: i just hope you'll have as much fun as i did despite my fuck ups.   
AG: John?   
GT: bye vriska.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] \--

He wanted to talk more, he really didn't ever want to exit that chat window, but he was losing control of his tear ducts again. He held a hand over his mouth to stifle the sobs and closed the husktop.

A voice called out somewhere below him and he froze, his sobs calmed by nerves. He heard the voice again, much clearer, calling his name. It figured a Seer would find him so easily. He considered flying away before she saw him, but he really didn't want to run from any more friends, especially not her.

Within a minute, Rose floated to the metal platform as if she knew exactly where he was. "John?" she said as she landed by him.

John tried to wipe his tears away, but no sooner had he raised his face than he felt the waterworks start up anew.

She knelt beside him and pulled him into an embrace. He buried his face in her shoulder and shook with sobs. "Shoosh now," she whispered, papping him on the back of the head.

"I r-really," he hiccuped, "cared about her, Rose. She made mistakes, but we did too. We made so many mistakes and no one killed us for it."

"Oh, John..." She relented the paps only to nuzzle him. She let him sob into her shirt for what felt like ten minutes before she shooshed him again. "John, I know it hurts, but Dave wasn't in the wrong. Even if he was, we can't afford to have you two fighting right now."

It took all of his self-control to hold back a sob. "What if it was Kanaya?" he murmured into her chest.

"Hm?"

He raised his head to stare up at her. "What if Dave knew Kanaya was going to get killed, helped _orchestrate_ it, and didn't tell you? And when he found out how upset you were, he..." -- he sniffed -- "he just waved you off and called her awful things to your face?"

She took a deep breath through her nose and tilted her head. "I would stab him through the eyes and feel perfectly validated in doing so," she said after a moment. "That doesn't mean what he did was wrong. It just means he didn't think through the obvious consequences of encouraging the attack of a highblood's friend."

John straightened up and out of her embrace, his eyes widening. "This has nothing to do with our blood!"

She raised an eyebrow and stared straight into his gaze. "You honestly think your places on the hemospectrum didn't cross _his_ mind? You are the one person who knew his blood color. If we were back home, you would have every legal right to kill him."

"How could he think that? I'm his friend!"

"John," she set a hand over his, "he's spent his whole life hiding. He doesn't _know_ what it's like to have a friend who won't turn on him."

He had to swallow to prevent a sob from entering his voice. "So he betrayed me _first_?"

"Let's set aside the hemospectrum for the moment." Her voice softened and she rubbed his arm. "He had every right to indirectly attack Vriska. She was dangerous to people he cares about, including, I imagine, you. In the _same way_ you're validated for wanting to hurt him, he's validated for his actions."

"But I didn't want to hurt him!"

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and squeezed. "Please don't take offense when I say that's why I wish you were born human."

He was startled silent. He wasn't even sure if he should be offended or not, but it made him uneasy.

She broke the embrace but didn't pull away, catching his injured hand and holding it close. She picked at the broken glass stuck in his skin with her claws, plucking the shards out with such careful precision that he only winced once or twice.

Once she'd removed the last of the glass, she curled around him and they just sat together in silence for a few minutes, stroking each other along the arm or back.

Rose sighed softly and adjusted herself, peering into John's eyes. "Are you ready to come back?"

He shook his head. "I... I don't think I want to see him yet."

She nodded with a small smile. "Shall I procure a husktop of my own and join you, or would you care to spend this time in solitude?"

He hesitated. "I'm really glad you were here, but the other two need you more than I do." He forced a smile and held his hand out, two fingers forming half a diamond. "I'll be okay. Duty over quadrants, right?"

"Right." She touched her fingers to his, finishing the diamond. "Unfortunately."

* * *

His pride smarted more than his cuts, but Dave's head was throbbing before Jade finished removing the glass shards from his skin. She dabbed at the blood with a cloth, but decided the damage wasn't bad enough to warrant bandages, not when they were likely to obscure his vision. He didn't mention the spongeache.

She examined his face one last time before giving his shoulders a squeeze. "Ready to get back to work?"

"Guess so." He was relieved he could keep his voice flat.

"Gotta pick up the pace for the other two," she said with a chipper smile as she moved away.

He had to remember not to stare, with no shades to hide where his eyes were aimed; acting indifferent in general was going to be a hell of a lot more difficult. He forced his gaze back on his computer station. His shattered shades sat next to the dark computer monitor.

His gut twisted. Even if they found all the pieces, if there was a way to fix them, he didn't know it. It wasn't like he needed them to hide his eyes, now that the secret was out, but he felt naked without them all the same. They were cool; they were an ironic Strider icon. (They were the shades _John_ gave him. _God fucking dammit_ , John.)

His monitor had gone into sleep mode in the time he'd left it alone and he hesitated to turn it back on. He didn't have anything of universe-saving importance to attend to. Rose, Jade, and John were searching for the glitch's weakness, working to meet the humans face-to-face, trying to patch up their mistakes... All he was doing was watching Terezi's back for as long as he could.

Fuck it, that was good enough.

He tapped an arrow key to wake his computer. The light from the screen drilled into his eyes and he winced. Peering out from half-closed eyelids, he reached for the keyboard.

TG: sorry about that something came up on our end   
GC: YOU OK4Y? YOU USU4LLY P4US3 MY T1M3L1N3 WH3N SOM3TH1NG H4PP3NS   
TG: yeah its fine john just found out about vriska   
GC: OH GOD :[ H3 SOUND3D SO UPS3T WH3N 1 T4LK3D TO H1M 4FT3R TH4T   
GC: W41T H3 D1DNT GO 4FT3R YOU OR SOM3 STUP1D SH1T D1D H3?   
TG: kinda   
TG: tried to smash my face in   
GC: :O   
TG: i survived   
GC: 444RGH SORRY 1 N3V3R SHOULD H4V3 M3NT1ON3D YOU TO H1M   
GC: 1 P4N1CK3D :[   
GC: H3 DO3SNT S3R1OUSLY TH1NK VR1SK4 W4S YOUR F4ULT?   
TG: i guess so   
GC: OH H3LL NO   
GC: YOU T3LL TH4T N1NNY TH4T TH1S W4S 134% MY F4ULT 4ND H3 C4N TRY TO SM4SH MY F4C3 1N 1F H3 W4NTS SOM3 D3L1C1OUS R3V3NG3   
TG: i did help   
TG: its at least five percent my fault   
GC: NO >:[   
GC: 1T W4S MY STUP1D D3C1S1ON   
GC: 1M TH3 ONLY ON3 WHO SHOULD H4V3 TO L1V3 W1TH 1T

A wave of nausea washed over him. Light reflected off of every metal surface -- counter, floor, ceiling -- and it felt as if the computer screen could penetrate eyelids. He held a hand over his eyes and pressed on the sides of his temple until the pain subsided enough he could continue typing.

TG: regardless of whos at fault for vriskas death   
TG: because that is a stupidass argument and were not having it   
TG: i still kept it from him   
GC: T1M3L1N3S 4R3 CONFUS1NG 4S SH1T   
GC: H3 S3R1OUSLY ONLY JUST FOUND OUT ON YOUR 3ND?   
TG: yep   
TG: kept dead silent about it for fucking hours because thats the kind of friend i am i guess   
GC: 1F H3S TH3 TYP3 TO PUNCH YOUR L1GHTS OUT 1 C4NT S4Y 1 BL4M3 YOU FOR K33P1NG 1T 4 S3CR3T   
TG: thats the thing   
TG: were best bros   
TG: weve never seriously fought before let alone exchanged blows   
GC: 1T SUCKS DONK3Y B4LLS BUT SOM3 FR13NDSH1PS JUST DONT L4ST :[   
GC: 1 M34N ON3 D4Y YOUR3 B3ST FR13NDS 4ND DO1NG 3V3RYTH1NG TOG3TH3R 4ND F1N1SH1NG 34CH OTH3RS S3NT3NC3S   
GC: TH3N TH3Y ST4RT GROW1NG OLD3R 4ND 4CT1NG D1FF3R3NTLY 4S TH3Y "M4TUR3"   
GC: 4ND 1T M1GHT T4K3 4 WH1L3 BUT 3V3NTU4LLY YOU R34L1Z3   
GC: H3Y   
GC: SH3S K1ND4 4 B1TCH   
GC: 4ND 1 DONT L1K3 H3R 4NYMOR3   
GC: 4ND SH3S GONN4 L4B3L M3 TH3 B4D GUY 4S SOON 4S 1 C4LL H3R OUT ON H3R B4D B3H4V1OR 4ND S4Y 1M B3TR4Y1NG H3R   
GC: BUT TH4TS H4LF TH3 R34SON SH3S 4 B1TCH 4ND YOU N33D TO CUT TH4T K1ND4 BULLSH1T DR4M4 OUT OF YOUR L1F3   
GC: 3V3N 1F 1T HURTS 4 LOT 4ND YOU JUST W1SH TH1NGS COULD GO B4CK TO B3FOR3 YOUR FR13ND W4S B4TSH1T 1NS4N3 :[   
GC: SORRY 1 DONT M34N TO C4LL JOHN 4 B1TCH   
GC: OR 4 G1RL 1 GU3SS OOPS   
GC: 1 W4S JUST TRY1NG TO B3 SYMP4TH3T1C 4ND M4YB3 3V3N H3LPFUL   
GC: D4V3   
GC: D4V3 4R3 YOU TH3R3

He saw his chatlog fill with teal messages, but his head ached and his eyes watered too much to read the words. He hunched over, hands on either side of his face. God, it felt like his head was gonna split open. Even the clacking of Jade's keyboard pelted him with sharp stabs.

"Dave?"

He jerked up, mouth already open to bullshit some reason he was _definitely_ not cringing in pain, but the movement was too much. His vision swam and it felt as if someone had taken a sledgehammer to his think pan. He crumpled to the floor with a disgraceful thud.

Ow. Fuck. That wasn't going to help his spongeache.

Jade was crouched over him in less than a second, her normal cheer completely replaced by worry. He tried to raise his eyes but they clamped shut in the blinding light.

"What's wrong?" she said.

"Just dizzy, 'sall." He hid his eyes in the crook of his elbow. "Can we dim the lights or something?"

She let out a sympathetic little moan -- it sounded too pitying and he felt all the more pathetic for it. "I don't think we can." She rubbed his shoulder and gave it a soft pap. "Lemme try something else."

He didn't know where she went, but she left him curled on the floor for a good three minutes. He was getting tempted to crawl into a corner where he'd at least be less conspicuous when he heard her footsteps.

Something light and soft fell over his upper torso and the world outside his eyelids went a little darker. He dared to open his eyes. A thick, black cloth lay over his head, blocking most light save for the little cracks between blanket and floor. With a small adjustment, even that much light was hidden.

"Jade." His voice came out with more of a groan than he intended. "I can't believe these are words I'm saying, but I'm not a fucking featherbeast."

She shooshed him. She sat next to him and slipped her hand under the blanket to pap at him so gently that it didn't bother his spongeache. He wasn't even saying anything, but she kept _shooshing_ at him as if he was screaming in pain. (God, screaming sounded kind of nice.) The sound usually grated at him, especially when he heard Rose make it at John, but there was something about the way Jade did it that made him want to crawl into her lap and sleep.

The ache in his head cooled to a dull throb instead of a sharp bludgeoning. His limbs relaxed and he hadn't realized how stiff they'd been until his muscles went sore from the sudden release.

Jade's shooshing went quiet and her paps turned to a rub. "There you go," she whispered.

He raised a hand to brush the blanket away, but he lifted it only five inches before the brightness sent him cringing with a loud, "Nnnrrgh."

"Shoooosh." The warmth of her hands left him to adjust the edge of the blanket he'd disturbed. "Stay under there, you dummy."

"What, forever?"

She papped his head through the blanket. "If that's how long it takes for your body to readjust to a world outside of tinted glass."

He didn't even care anymore. He groaned.

"You were just punched in the head. It was pretty silly to get right back to work."

"You're the one concerned about a time limit."

She let out a huff. "Don't you blame me for your dumb decisions." She leaned over him and gave him a half hug. "Now we're both taking a break because you wouldn't rest when you needed to."

He sank against the floor and she wrapped tighter around him; it wasn't unwelcome. Even the cold metal of the floor felt like a swimming pool of sopor slime to his throbbing forehead. And her warmth... It just felt right. He tried not to think about it.

She stayed huddled against him for almost a full five minutes before mumbling, "Dave?"

"Yeah," he monotoned.

"Does this make us moirails?"

He hesitated. "Dunno."

She adjusted herself, wrapping her arms across his back. "Should we be moirails?"

"Dunno." He tried not to melt into her embrace as he mumbled, "Might be nice though."

"Okay," she said, her voice soft.

He closed his eyes but couldn't relax. "Can you do me a dumb favor?"

"Only the dumbest," she said far too happily.

"Let Terezi know I don't mean to ignore her."

She moved off him and back to her feet without hesitation but said, "Can I tell her the truth?"

His breath caught and he sighed. "If she asks."

The room grew silent aside from Jade's quiet clacks on the keyboard. He wished he could stand the light just long enough to read whatever she was feeding Terezi, but he had to trust that she wasn't painting him in a bad light. Moirails could trust each other, right? He'd never really paid his quadrants any attention before all the Sgrub shit; he'd just assumed he'd be culled before he could fill one.

The keyboard fell silent and he could just make out Jade's silhouette moving away from the computer as she returned to his side.

"All right, she knows now. She hopes you feel better soon and can't wait to see you in person if you can't contact her again before that." She knelt next to him and gave him a couple more light paps. "I'm gonna go back to talking with Karkat, but I'm moving to the computer next to yours so I'll be right here if you need me again, okay?"

He wasn't going to answer, but she stayed by his side until he mumbled an, "Okay."

He'd jump into the lava on LOHAC before he'd admit to anyone how much he wanted to reach after her as she left to sign into the new computer. He closed his eyes. God, he could use sleep, but he didn't think he could handle nightmares in his condition.

Jade had barely started typing again when the transportalizer activated. Dave stiffened. There was only one set of footsteps, but John floated more than the three of them combined, so that didn't mean anything.

"Hi Rose!" Jade said with her usual chipperness and Dave breathed a sigh of relief when she didn't follow it up with a greeting to John.

"I apologize for taking so long." There was an unusual weariness in the back of Rose's voice. "Are the two of you holding up all right?"

"Mm-hm, just getting back to work," Jade said.

Rose's footsteps came to a stop. "Jade, please tell me you didn't kill Dave while I was gone."

"Nooo, that's not what this is at all! I'm trying to help his light sensitivity, since he's too used to living behind shades and dizzy from getting conked on the head!"

"He's _light_ sensitive, hm?" He could imagine her smirk. "This explains so much about our relationship."

He lifted a shaking hand out of the blanket and flipped up his middle finger. "Wherever you are, Lalonde, this is aimed at you."

"Charmed." Rose's footsteps picked up again, passing closely by him. He was surprised she didn't "accidentally" step on him. "I presume Jade has already given you an appropriate earful for acting like an immature wiggler, so I'll refrain from repeating her words."

"Where's John?" Jade said.

"He needs time to think things over by himself." He heard Rose adjust a chair and settle back into her station. "He's doing better, though."

Dave frowned and wondered what the hell that meant, but Jade didn't ask and he sure as fuck wasn't going to. He was too easy a target for Rose's scorn -- useless and half the reason John wasn't also returning to his keyboard.


	29. Act 2.17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has exceeded 100k words now and I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

GT: hey, karkat? you busy?  
EB: MORE THAN USUAL? NOT REALLY, I GUESS.  
EB: WHY? THE FUCK DO YOU WANT NOW?  
GT: to apologize.  
EB: OH, REEEEALLY? *THIS* WILL BE FUCKING INTERESTING.  
EB: WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?  
EB: GONNA FINALLY FUCKING SAY SORRY FOR BEING AN OBNOXIOUS LITTLE ASSLICKER?  
EB: FOR BOTHERING ME EVERY SPARE MOMENT I HAVE LEFT IN MY STEADILY DECREASING LIFE EXPECTANCY?  
EB: FOR BUILDING A SHITTY UNIVERSE INFESTED WITH NOTHING BUT SLIMY GARBAGE WATER THAT MASQUERADES AS SENTIENCE?  
GT: for letting vriska get killed. :(  
EB: UH... WHAT?  
GT: i was trying to help her get through the game and i failed.  
GT: if i was a better guide, she could still be alive.  
EB: AND... YOU THINK I GIVE HALF A HORSE'S ASS ABOUT THAT?  
GT: she was your teammate and friend!!  
GT: didn't you care about her?  
GT: did no one give a shit about her?  
GT: is that why she was always working alone??  
GT: she's not even worth mourning because she made a few mistakes? even though she was doing her best?  
EB: OH. MY. GOD. WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT SOB STORY DID SHE TELL YOU?  
EB: JOHN, VRISKA WAS TROUBLE  
EB: I KNOW SHE HAD TO DEAL WITH CRAP AT HOME, BUT SO DID A LOT OF US AND WE WOULDN'T PULL HALF THE SHIT SHE DID.  
GT: she was just trying to help!  
GT: she may have gone about it in the wrong way, but she had good intentions and she was fighting so hard for all of you!  
EB: YOUR PERCEPTION SKILLS ARE SHIT, BUT I'M ASSUMING YOU'VE AT LEAST NOTICED THAT TAVROS WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR AND TEREZI IS FUCKING BLIND.  
EB: WELL, THEY WEREN'T FUCKING BORN THAT WAY. AND I'M NOT NICE ENOUGH TO LABEL WHAT HAPPENED AN "ACCIDENT" EITHER.  
EB: VRISKA FUCKING HURT PEOPLE.  
EB: I THOUGHT WE COULD TRUST HER NOT TO FUCK THINGS UP HERE, BUT I WAS FUCKING WRONG. AS USUAL.  
GT: she wasn't trying to hurt anyone!  
EB: THEN WHAT THE HELL DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOING?  
EB: TEREZI, KANAYA, AND I CAN'T FUCKING GOD TIER ANYMORE, JOHN. OUR DREAM SELVES ARE DEAD. IF WE FUCK UP, WE'VE LOST OUR ONLY SECOND CHANCES.  
EB: IS IT ANY FUCKING WONDER SBURB DIDN'T THINK VRISKA DESERVED A THIRD CHANCE?  
EB: I DON'T BLAME TEREZI FOR WHAT SHE DID, SO I SURE AS HELL DON'T GIVE A SHIT THAT YOU COULDN'T STOP HER.  
GT: :(  
GT: but she was my friend.  
EB: HOLY FUCK, THIS IS ACTUALLY BOTHERING YOU.  
EB: AREN'T YOU SOME PSYCHO VIOLENT ALIEN RACE WHO STOMPS ON YOUR OWN BABIES FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES?  
GT: well... yeah...  
GT: but...  
GT: i guess  
GT: i'm an exception.  
EB: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU SENSITIVE SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE.  
EB: YOU GET TO FEEL LIKE CRAP OVER STUPID BULLSHIT THAT'S NOT YOUR DAMN FAULT.  
GT: i get to feel like crap over losing a friend i couldn't protect. and crap over the fact i believed she was a good person when i guess maybe she was kind of a jerk to everyone else.  
GT: do humans just shrug that off? am i pathetic even by your standards?  
EB: ...LOOK. VRISKA HAD A WAY OF DRAGGING PEOPLE INTO HER MIND GAMES. I'M NOT EVEN SURE IF IT WAS INTENTIONAL OR IF SHE WAS JUST THAT FUCKING OBLIVIOUS TO HER OWN ACTIONS AND TRULY THOUGHT SHE DID NO HARM. WHATEVER. POINT IS, THERE'S A REASON SHE WAS OUR FRIEND THIS LONG.  
EB: SHE'S LIKEABLE, ALL RIGHT? AND HAD A WAY OF MAKING YOU THINK THE KNIFE SHE PLUNGED INTO YOUR SPINE WAS YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT, BECAUSE SHE'S JUST TRYING TO HELP AFTER ALL. AND WE BELIEVED THAT BULLSHIT. SHE PROBABLY BELIEVED IT TOO.  
EB: SO OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE SHE WAS MANIPULATIVE. YOU'VE BARELY KNOWN HER A DAY AND IT TOOK SOME OF US YEARS TO REALIZE HOW FUCKING TOXIC SHE COULD BE.  
GT: i... i don't really know what to do with that.  
GT: mostly i just feel worse.  
EB: AAAAND OF COURSE YOU FUCKING DO.  
GT: it's just... if she really was that mean, i shouldn't have helped her like i did.  
GT: i should have been a better judge of character.  
GT: and even knowing all that, i miss her anyway. :(  
GT: so i'm still sad and now on top of that i feel guilty as shit for hitting dave.  
EB: WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR THAT?  
EB: I WOULD GIVE YOU A STANDING FUCKING OVATION IF WE WERE IN THE SAME UNIVERSE.  
GT: because i did it when he was being mean about vriska.  
EB: HE STILL HAD IT FUCKING COMING.  
GT: heh...  
GT: maybe you're right. again. but i still feel like a fucking jerk.  
EB: IT CAN BE BOTH.  
EB: YOU CAN SLUG YOUR SUBORDINATES FOR BEING DIPSHITS, EVEN THOUGH IT'D BE A JACKASS MOVE AS A FRIEND.  
EB: THAT'S KINDA WHAT BEING A LEADER IS. YOU PLAY THE BAD GUY SOMETIMES TO GET EVERYONE TO WORK TOGETHER AND STOP BEING GIANT MIGRAINES ALONG EVERY INCH OF YOUR BRAIN.  
GT: but i've always been more of a friendleader.  
GT: rose is the smart one who plans everything.  
GT: i just kept the morale up and led the group so we could stay together.  
GT: now i can't even do that properly.  
EB: :\  
GT: i guess  
GT: i'm a pretty shitty leader.  
EB: FOR AS LITTLE AS IT'S WORTH  
EB: YOU PROBABLY DID BETTER THAN I WOULD HAVE, JOHN.  
GT: ...thanks, karkat.  
GT: i guess it helps to remember that this whole situation is so fucked up, there's probably not a perfect solution to any of this bullshit.  
GT: though i still feel like crap.  
EB: YEAH, CAN'T DO MUCH FOR THAT.  
GT: yeah...  
GT: just...  
GT: survive this, okay?  
EB: I WASN'T PLANNING ON OTHERWISE, DUMBASS.  
EB: YOU WEREN'T, WERE YOU?  
GT: nah, i'm aiming to make it out of here.  
EB: THEN FINE, WE'LL BOTH BEAT THIS FUCKING GAME AND SHARE IN THE SPOILS WHEN WE FINALLY MEET AT THE END.  
GT: damn right.  
EB: IN THE MEANTIME, I THINK WE'RE BOTH SHIRKING OUR LEADER DUTIES. FOR AS MUCH AS ANYONE ELSE FUCKING NOTICES.  
GT: yeah, i... i have some bridges to mend here, i guess.  
EB: GET ON THAT SHIT, CHOP-CHOP.  
EB: WE'VE GOT A GAME TO FUCKING ANNIHILATE.  
GT: fiiiiiiiine.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

He closed the conversation as soon as he realized he'd made the mistake of using Vriska's quirk again. That shit was not going to help the mourning process.

He rested his forehead against his husktop screen. The situation was already bullshit without conflicted feelings to muddy it up.

Karkat was probably right and everyone else -- everyone except John -- was better off without Vriska. Dark suspicions that he had long ignored slipped to the front of his mind: her questionable violent actions, her nonchalant attitude when called out, her friends' expressions on the viewport whenever she ran into another player... What Karkat said added up.

(What Dave said added up.)

His stomach sank. Great fuck, he'd ignored his best bro's warnings until his alien flushcrush -- who _despised_ Dave no less -- pointed out that he was being thick.

Worst leader, it was him. Worst friend.

He leaned back and stared at his contact list, worrying his lip. Fear almost made him close the window, but his guilt held stronger. He had to at least try to fix things, even if it didn't work.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

GT: dave, i'm sorry.  
TG: ?  
GT: i overreacted, okay?  
TG: .....  
GT: you don't have to forgive me, i just wanted to let you know. i'll head back soon.  
GT: can we just try not to make this awkward? for jade and rose?  
TG: :)  
GT: ...dave?  
TG: f0**u#ND y0U.

John's voice was drowned in a gasp, otherwise he probably would have shrieked as he threw his husktop across the room. It landed with a clatter and a robotic whine. John's blood went cold. Static sparked in the air around the computer, growing steadily thicker.

He crawled backwards, trying to stumble to his feet in the same movement. "Fuck no, fuck no, _fuck no_." John's whisper raised closer to a shout with each word. Oh god, Rose had said- she'd fucking _warned them_ not to contact turntechGodhead.

A large, white gash glitched through the air. With another swarm of static, a figure flickered into place, hovering a foot above John's husktop. If John didn't already know it was Daveglitch, he'd never have recognized him at first. His entire body was twisted and distorted, only stabilizing into something that looked anything like Dave after another five seconds of flickering.

Daveglitch cocked his head towards John but otherwise remained so still that John wasn't even sure he was breathing.

"Dave?" John barely dared to whisper.

Daveglitch's mouth twitched into a strange, grinning grimace completely unlike Dave. "s,u*&p?" With a movement too fast for the eye to follow, he wrenched his broken sword from his strife specibus. His fist closed as if holding the handle, and the blade swung to match his movements, but the sword glitched a few inches to the side of his hand and looked as if it was floating on its own.

Any hope that Daveglitch had maintained control of himself burst at the sight of that weapon. John took to the air and shot away from the platform, fishing his own strife specibus out even as he absconded.

He had his hammer out just in time to block a sudden attack as Daveglitch flashstepped into his path. John's breath caught and he noticed in a dazed panic that the weight from Daveglitch's weapon was a few inches off from where it should be, but he didn't have time to contemplate what that meant. He pushed back enough that he could make a getaway in another direction, but, within moments, Daveglitch flashstepped below him; John barely dodged having his ankles chopped off.

The fight was completely unbalanced. John wasn't even sure if he could beat Real Dave in a strife and he could already tell Daveglitch's attacks were on a different level. It didn't help that he could appear from any damn direction without warning.

John made for the nearest passageway -- at least if he could get away from an open space, it would limit where Daveglitch could attack from. He wouldn't have survived even that short of a journey if he hadn't picked up on the static that appeared half a second before Daveglitch flashstepped; he always dodged or blocked just barely in time as it was.

It wasn't until his feet hit the floor in a long, cramped hallway that John dared to face him, weapon at the ready.

Daveglitch paused, as if surprised by John's sudden offensive pose, but he had a distorted version of his poker face on so it was hard to tell what was going through his mind. He disappeared in a burst of static, flashstepping for another attack.

John readied himself and dodged to the side as soon as he saw where Daveglitch would appear. Daveglitch stabbed at him anyway.

The sword missed -- it _missed_ , it was inches to his left, it hadn't even scratched his clothes -- but John felt a sharp pressure in his chest, pain following close behind. His torso tore open, blood seeping down his front; Daveglitch's blade was stained blue, even though it was nowhere near the wound. It hurt twice as much when Daveglitch pulled the sword back.

He couldn't find enough air to scream. He fell forward into darkness.

Tick.

_Just_

Tock.

_Heroic_

Tick.

_Just_

Tock.

_Not Applicable_

John's eyes flew open and he rolled onto his back. Daveglitch stood over him. His sword was still dripping with cerulean blood, so John couldn't have been out more than a few minutes at most. Glitchy static filled the air, almost smothering John, and John blew it away in a gust on instinct. Before he could fly to his feet in the freshly cleared space, Daveglitch drove his sword down again.

John didn't even know which direction he should dodge after last time and he froze, bracing for the searing pain.

The blade slammed into the floor, clanging against the metal without even an inch of flesh to slow its progress. One side of Daveglitch's mouth flickered into a confused scowl.

John wasn't even sure what he was doing, except that his body felt incredibly light and... incorporeal, apparently. With a shudder, he burst into air and moved on auto-pilot, shooting down three dark halls before collapsing back into a physical form.

He didn't even dare breathe as he waited. He heard faint static and shuffling noises, but nothing as purposeful and quick as Daveglitch had been before.

Oh thank fuck, thank whatever sadistic Sgrub player had created the universe that housed Alternia, thank Skaia... Daveglitch didn't know where he was.

"j0000h#NNn/Nn..." Daveglitch's distorted voice almost purred the word.

With shaking hands, John pulled out an old PDA he hadn't used since early on in Sgrub, before he'd figured out how to alchemize handier portable computers, and prayed the batteries still worked, prayed the light from the screen wouldn't attract Daveglitch. He needed to contact Jade or Rose -- or Dave, but ha, yeah, he was going to troll turntechGodhead again, _that_ would go swell -- but he felt a strong obligation to message someone else first.

The PDA's screen was too small to precisely click a spot along the timeline, but he managed to select an area relatively near the end.

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

GT: karkat?  
GT: i'm sorry, but i don't think we'll be able to meet after all. :(  
EB: DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE CENTURY. I WON'T BE ABLE TO SEE WEIRDASS ALIENS.  
EB: HOW WILL I EVER WAKE UP IN THE MORNINGS?  
GT: heheh, yeah, well....  
GT: i just... thought you should know.  
GT: we're...  
GT: probably not going to make it.  
EB: WHAT?  
EB: WAIT, FUCK, WHAT?  
GT: sorry.  
EB: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? ARE YOU OKAY?  
GT: oh god.  
GT: oh fuck.  
GT: i gotta go.  
GT: don't let that game beat you, karkat.  
EB: JOHN??

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

Static filled the hall, inching closer to him. He stuffed the PDA into his sylladex and tried to run for another passageway, but Daveglitch's taunting calls came to an abrupt halt, replaced by a noise that made a shiver run down John's spine. It almost sounded like a laugh but spoken through a filtered microphone giving off non-stop feedback.

Daveglitch flashstepped into John's path. His sword sat in his hand like it should but his shades were glitched askew, one earpiece sticking out of his skin despite not leaving a mark. It left his eyes uncovered -- one was red as it should have been, but the other was covered in static like a broken TV screen.

"wH-y Ar3 y0*u rR__ru%nN1ng F*F*Fr0)m y0U#r br0 EG_b3rtTt(tttT?" Daveglitch said, his words almost incomprehensible as his mouth flickered between a smirk and a poker face.

John's fear was almost forgotten as fury ran through his veins. "Get the _fuck_ out of my friend!" he screamed, a blast of wind slamming Daveglitch into the nearest wall hard enough that his sword clattered to the floor.

John tackled him before he could try to retrieve his weapon and pinned him against the wall.

Daveglitch didn't try to break away. He just caught both of John's wrists and held tight. Static ran up his arms and John's eyes went wide as he realized the infection was spreading to him. He tried to yank back, but Daveglitch's grip stayed firm. John's wrist glitched as the static built up around him and he let out a terrified cry.

"n0...;." Daveglitch's voice was weak. His hands shook and their grip slowly loosened. "n0 _n0 n0 j0h/N NO!" He wrenched away with a robotic shriek.

John flew backwards so fast that he smacked into the opposite wall with a cringe. The static shattered off his arms, leaving them clean and uncorrupted. He should have run, he knew that, but his feet felt weighed down by an anchor. "Dave?"

"G_-*E%T/ 0(#UTttT!!1!1!!" Daveglitch's claws dug at his own face but every wound turned to static and flickered back to unharmed skin within seconds. His shades clattered to the floor in his effort and he slammed his head against the wall hard enough that his temple bled. "F**F)FUCK!,!!" His face glitched out and for a short moment tears streamed out of his eyes, until he glitched again and his face was completely dry aside from the blood.

"Fight it," John whispered. He shuddered and felt sick to his stomach but he couldn't tear his eyes away. "C'mon, Dave, _fight it_!"

Daveglitch fell to his knees and a new wave of static enveloped him, covering and distorting every inch of his body. He screamed but it was entirely robotic without even a small tinge of an organic voice.

John knelt next to him and wished he could just rest a hand on his shoulder, give him _some_ sort of support. He picked up his fallen shades and held them out. "C'mon... You can do this, I know you can."

Daveglitch recoiled from John's hand. "R//U)N( y0-U fU+Ck1nG M0RrR**0N."

John shook his head. How far could he run even if he tried? Besides, he couldn't abandon his ally, his _friend_ , not when he was _so close_ to breaking free.

Daveglitch lunged, teeth bared, even the static in his eye flashing red. John leapt backwards and took to the air, ready to zip back farther, but Daveglitch slowed after the initial strike, letting out a distorted growl. "f=uCK1ngG t0l^d Y0%u..!.;.." He snarled and withdrew, fumbling almost blindly for his fallen weapon.

Just like that, Dave was gone again. John blew the static off the shades before captchaloguing them and shooting down the hall as fast as he could fly. At least if he had another shot at messaging someone, turntechGodhead would be a safe bet again.

There was an outraged shriek behind him -- god, John didn't think that robotic tone would ever stop making a shiver run down his torso pillar -- and John put on as much speed as he could while still flying slow enough to take the hallway's sharp turns.

He stumbled to a halt as a cloud of static swarmed in the air a few yards away. The static grew thicker until it formed a troll's silhouette, shattering when Daveglitch burst from it, more distorted than usual after teleporting.

"Fucking cheat!" John shouted, speeding off in the opposite direction. He only made it down one hallway before another swarm of static blocked his path. Swearing again, John flew backwards and shot down a different hall before the static could even finish teleporting Daveglitch.

It kept happening no matter what route John tried to take. He could break through the static if he was fast and hit it with a burst of wind, but even that felt risky and Daveglitch did too good a job of herding him into roughly the same dozen hallways over and over.

He thought he could avoid dying heroically -- there wasn't anything very heroic about running away like a ninny -- and he hoped he wasn't being too self-absorbed when he figured dying justly wasn't even a possibility, but he wasn't sure he could defend himself against the worst case scenario. Whatever the cost, even if it meant dying for good, he couldn't let the glitch infect him too.


	30. Act 2.18

EB: OKAY.   
EB: I'VE ACTUALLY GOT AN IDEA.   
EB: I KNOW, PRACTICALLY A FUCKING MIRACLE, RIGHT?   
EB: OH JESUS   
EB: SCRATCH THAT PHRASING THAT WAS STUPID.   
EB: POINT BEING, BY SOME ANOMALY I ACTUALLY STOPPED FONDLING MY BALLS FOR LONG ENOUGH TO REMEMBER MAYBE I'M THE FUCKING LEADER OF THIS SESSION AND SHOULD GET OFF MY ASS LONG ENOUGH TO POSIT A SOLUTION FOR AVOIDING IMMINENT DEATH.   
EB: EVEN IF THAT SOLUTION IS POSSIBLY THE DUMBEST IDEA PARADOX SPACE HAS EVER SEEN.   
EB: BETTER THAN NOTHING.   
GG: well some ideas would probably be worse than nothing   
GG: but i dont think youd come up with one that bad!   
EB: WATCH ME PROVE YOU WRONG.   
GG: noooo i dont think you will   
EB: PREPARE TO BE STUPEFIED BY THIS COMPLETE LACK OF LOGIC: I WAS JUST THINKING, IF THE GLITCH COULD GET TO YOUR SESSION USING THAT TRANSPORTALIZER...   
EB: WHY THE HELL CAN'T WE?   
GG: !!!   
GG: youd want to? o_o   
EB: THE FUCK DO WE HAVE TO LOSE?   
EB: I MEAN, IT'S OFFICIAL.   
EB: HALF OF US ARE DEAD AND ALL OF US ARE ORPHANS.   
GG: :(   
EB: SHUT UP.   
EB: THE POINT IS, WE'VE GOT NOTHING LEFT HERE ANYWAY. OUR SESSION IS FUCKED UP BEYOND BELIEF AND YOU CLEARLY NEED ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET.   
GG: well... that would be exciting!   
GG: and we could watch each others backs a lot easier if we shared physical space   
GG: but youre reeeally certain about this?   
GG: i am not sure we will be able to send you back later if you change your mind is all and our endgame door may not be fixable   
GG: so i just want you to be prepared!   
EB: WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF STAYING HERE?   
EB: BEAT OUR VERSION OF THE GAME? FOR WHAT?   
EB: SO WE CAN STAND IN MOCK VICTORY TOGETHER KNOWING DAMN WELL WE LOST IN EVERY OTHER SENSE OF THE WORD?   
EB: IF MOST OF YOUR FRIENDS HAD DIED, WOULDN'T YOU SAY FUCK IT AND HOP OVER TO ANOTHER SESSION TO TEAM UP WITH ANOTHER PILE OF ASSHOLES?   
GG: that is possible..... :(   
EB: SO YEAH. I'LL CONTACT THE OTHERS. SEE IF THERE ARE ANY NAYSAYERS.   
EB: GET SOLLUX OVER HERE TO CHECK OUT THE PROGRAMMING ON THIS SHIT, MAKE SURE WE'RE NOT GOING TO TRANSPORT OURSELVES INTO A WALL OR SOMEWHERE EQUALLY ASININE.   
EB: AND IF WE'RE ALL HUDDLED IN THE SAME SPOT, GAMZEE WILL PROBABLY SHOW UP EVENTUALLY. I CAN TRY TO FIGHT THE GLITCH OFF OF HIM THEN.   
EB: DO YOU THINK THERE'S A WAY TO REALLY UTILIZE MY BLOOD POWERS ON PURPOSE, OR IS IT ALL FUCKING SUBCONSCIOUS AND I GOTTA HOPE I INSTINCTIVELY KEEP UP THE WHOLE "NATURALLY REPELS GLITCHES" SHIT?   
EB: JADE?   
EB: EARTH TO JADE?   
EB: UH, OR SBURB TO JADE, I GUESS. I WOULDN'T ANSWER TO EARTH IN ITS CURRENT STATE EITHER. OR SBURB. ESPECIALLY WOULDN'T ANSWER TO ME, I COULDN'T BLAME YOU ONE FUCKING BIT IF YOU WERE GIVING UP ON THAT.   
GG: oh!   
GG: no, sorry! im just a bit distracted   
GG: thinking about friends and sticking together... :\   
EB: WHAT? DON'T FUCKING TELL ME YOU'VE GOT A BODYCOUNT TOO.   
GG: nooooo   
GG: its just dave is out of commission and john is missing and rose says not to worry but...   
EB: JOHN'S MISSING?   
GG: yeah he ran off by himself a while ago   
GG: he was pretty upset about vriska, but we need him here!   
EB: OKAY, SHIT.   
EB: THIS IS PROBABLY THE BIG MOMENT.   
GG: ??   
EB: IS ANYONE WATCHING RED TEXT GUY'S MONITOR?   
GG: daves?   
EB: YEAH, THAT FUCKFACE.   
GG: umm, no! it is mostly abandoned   
EB: GET ON THAT, FUCKING ASAP.   
GG: why? :O   
EB: DO YOU WANT SPOILERS FOR YOUR TIMELINE OR NOT?   
EB: IT'S JUST IMPORTANT.   
GG: ok....

Jade glanced over at Dave's desktop, but she couldn't read the monitor from her seat. She leaned over enough that she could see a new chat window was open. Curiosity piqued, she finally switched chairs.

John was pestering Dave and Dave was... answering. Her blood went cold.

" _Rose_!" she shouted. "Daveglitch found John!"

Rose's hands froze, still poised over her keyboard mid-message. Her eyes went wide and she shot to her feet, rushing to stare at Dave's monitor before Jade had time to explain.

"Fuck," she barely breathed, scanning the chat window.

"What the fuck do you mean he's _found_ John?" Dave said. He'd sat up, the blanket fallen over his shoulders. He still flinched at the light but his stubbornness was stronger than whatever pain he was going through.

Rose straightened. "If John hasn't contacted any of us since that exchange, something must be wrong."

"Oh no, is it _here_?" Jade said.

"I wouldn't dismiss the possibility." Rose's voice was low and she strode for the transportalizer.

Dave leapt to his feet, stumbling a little. "Where's John?"

She shot him an impatient glare. "Where do you think I'm headed, Strider? _Stay put_ , both of you."

"You're not going alone."

"I'll manage. _You're_ injured and in no condition to be left by yourself."

He shrugged. "Fine, then I guess we're all fucking going."

Rose looked ready to argue but Jade stepped over and caught Dave's arm. "He's right. We're all going, Rose," she said. She frowned as she felt Dave trembling; she hoped Rose couldn't tell _just_ how bad of a condition he was in, if they were going to convince her in anything resembling haste. "We need each other right now. _You_ need us."

Rose's lips were thin and she looked hesitant, but she sighed. "We don't have time to discuss this. Just stay behind me."

Jade relaxed and caught Dave's hand, pulling him after Rose onto the transportalizer. Rose broke into a run as soon as they finished beaming into the dark corridors of the facility, slowing only to glance over her shoulder and make sure the other two stayed on her heels. Despite a near-constant cringe, Dave kept pace with Jade. She gave his hand an encouraging squeeze just to be sure.

* * *

John was running out of energy. For every time he made it a full hallway closer to the computer lab, Daveglitch pushed him right back twice over. He couldn't tell if he was slowing down or if Daveglitch was getting faster, but he had a sinking feeling that it was both.

It was impossible to tell which walls of static were feints and which Daveglitch was actually hiding in without plowing through them, and John was really not feeling up to another sword through his chest. He realized too late that Daveglitch was herding him with his endless barricades back to their starting place, the giant room with endless pits and bridges and a ceiling so high it was lost in shadow.

John tried to double-back as soon as he entered, but there was a wall of static blocking the hall already. He shot across the room instead, aiming for a corridor on the opposite side, but Daveglitch slammed into him from above before he was halfway there. John landed against one of the lowest bridges with a pained yell, relieved he hadn't heard any bones shatter.

He tried to stumble to his feet, but _shit_ that hurt and he was _tired_ and the air was glitching in every direction around him. It was all he could do to sit up without touching any of the static threatening to overtake him.

Daveglitch hovered a good ten feet above him, sword poised and at the ready. His stoic expression wasn't that different from normal, but Dave never had that level of cold indifference.

John raised his weapon but held it limply. What was even the fucking _point_? Block the attack, get possessed. Get stabbed in the throat, get possessed after resurrecting.

" _John_!" Rose yelled.

He dared to tear his eyes from Daveglitch. Rose, Jade, and Dave were on one of the bridges a good fifty feet above them. Rose dove from it, flying for him as fast as her currently invisible wings would carry her. Jade and Dave were shouting but he couldn't make out the words.

Daveglitch's face flickered into a scowl for a split second and he flew at John, his blade aimed right for his chest. John didn't have the energy to time a block or run.

The air between them crackled in a burst of light, bright enough John cringed and shielded his vision with a hand. Terror and confusion gripped him at first -- why would Daveglitch waste energy teleporting again when John was as good as skewered? -- until he recognize the power as Jade's.

Jade and Dave teleported right in Daveglitch's path, standing over John like a shield. Daveglitch was on them before John could even let out a warning cry, but Dave was prepared. His arms glowed red and he raised them both as if he intended to just push Daveglitch back with his bare hands.

Daveglitch slammed right into the red circle of light eminating from Dave's hands. His time went still; his entire body was frozen mid-air, his blade inches from tearing into Dave's face. All the static around them, save for the flickers in the time trap, shuddered and faded to nothing.

Dave stumbled backwards and Jade wrapped an arm around his waist, steadying him, but the trap held. Daveglitch didn't move an inch.

Rose landed before John could do more than sit up. She fell to her knees and threw her arms around his shoulders, holding him tight. "Are you all right?"

He dropped his hammer and clung to her, his arms shaking. "Only thanks to you guys." He managed a small smile. "Sh-shit. I'd be part psycho robo if you didn't have the best damn timing P-Space has ever seen."

"Thank Karkat." Jade grinned over her shoulder at him. "He's the one who told me Dave's monitor was getting funny messages."

"I'll thank the three of you if I fucking want to," John said with a nervous laugh. "Is... is it safe now?"

"As long as I keep this asshole under control," Dave said. "Which ain't easy, by the way, so if you don't mind? Do me a solid and smash its damn think pan out already."

John retrieved his hammer as he stood, but he made no move to attack. "But... he's you."

"He's a doomed Dave. He wasn't going to last anyway."

John's fist grew tight as he stared up at Daveglitch. His face was frozen in a blank but somehow aggressive expression, but John couldn't erase the image from his mind of Daveglitch breaking down and refusing to infect John. John swallowed. "I still can't just..."

"Egbert, we don't have time-"

"Wait." Rose climbed to her feet, her gaze unfocused as she looked up at Daveglitch. "The absolute _last thing_ we want to do is kill him."

"How is fixing everything a bad idea?" Dave said, starting to sound exasperated. "This has gotta count as a Just death."

Rose shook her head, her expression sharp again. "You'll kill the Dave part of Daveglitch, but unless we can quickly throw the corpse in something as hazardous as lava, it won't be enough to kill the glitch. It will possess someone else and we'll be right back to where we started, with one less ally. We can't afford to even try moving him, let alone killing him."

"Wait," Dave said, his voice deadpan but his eyes growing wide, "am I stuck in a fucking limbo with this maniac?"

Rose frowned. "So it seems."

Dave looked desperately at Jade. "Harley, you can zap him away, right?"

"He already knows where we are, Dave." Rose interrupted him with an irritated sigh. "I doubt we'd find another suitable hiding place and frankly we don't have time to spare." She crossed her arms and glanced up at the corridor she'd come from. "With the countdown growing near, I'm not comfortable leaving Kanaya alone even for this long."

"Guys, c'mon, this isn't funny."

Jade squeezed him, her face covered in pity. "Dave, I'm _really sorry_ , but Karkat and the others are counting on me right now. We're checking if there's a way to meet them in person soon. We might be able to utilize the method the glitch used to get to our session!" She papped at his shoulder as she unwound her arm from his waist. "I'll be back if there's any time to spare, I promise! You'll be okay alone, right?"

Before Dave could answer, John said, "I'll stay with him."

The other three stared at him with varying levels of surprise.

"Are you sure, John?" Rose said, worrying her lip a little.

John shrugged. "I don't... really have any important obligations to the humans anymore. Nothing that I'd need a full desktop for."

Rose nodded and Jade shot him a hopeful smile. Dave avoided making eye contact.

To John's shock, Jade nuzzled Dave's temple. "Just hang in there a little longer."

"Not like I have a choice," Dave muttered but leaned into her touch for as long as it lasted.

Rose caught John's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "If anything goes wrong, contact me by any means necessary." She backed up towards Jade, who grabbed her hand. In a flash of light, they teleported back to the computer lab.

John sighed, captchalogued his weapon, and stuck his hands into his pockets. He needed the time alone with Dave, he knew that, but he wasn't actually sure where to start. He kept catching Dave glancing at him, as if forgetting that his eyes weren't hidden anymore.

Dave finally grimaced and said, "If you were hoping for a front seat to some Strider suffering, you're out of luck." He adjusted himself, keeping his arms raised to keep the time trap in place. "I'm not even breaking a sweat."

John scowled. "I'm here because I'm worried about you, asshole!" He fidgeted. "And... and I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Acting like a selfish wiggler."

Dave frowned and his shoulders slumped. He avoided John's gaze. "You weren't out of line."

John studied the cuts covering half of Dave's face. "Yeah, I was," he said quietly. He pulled out Daveglitch's shades and blew the last of the stubborn static off them. "Here." He held them out to Dave. "Daveglitch dropped these. He probably doesn't need them to steal your messages anymore, so."

Dave stared at them a moment. He raised an eyebrow and flexed his fingers. "Thoughtful, but ain't much I can do about that right now."

John snorted and unfolded the earpieces. "Fine, I'll help you out this once, you lazy nooklicker." He slid the shades onto Dave's face.

"Thanks," Dave said, oddly quiet. His expression had already been a poker face, but hiding away his eyes again made it near unreadable just then. "I'd fistbump you if it wouldn't result in our violent demise."

John fistbumped Dave's shoulder. Dave smirked and John relaxed, grinning back.

John rolled his shoulders and wished they'd been so lucky as to trap Daveglitch in a room with some damn chairs. The floor was barely comfortable and he wasn't going to leave Dave stuck standing while he rested his muscles anyway. He raised his eyes to meet Daveglitch's unmoving gaze. "Can he hear us right now?"

"Umm." Dave frowned. "Yeah, could be. I mean, maybe his mind's as frozen as his body, but you know. Never actually tried this before on a living thing."

John shivered. "He was lucid back there," he said quietly. "Just for a few seconds, but it's the only reason I'm still in control of my mind."

Dave looked thrown. "Knew a Strider couldn't go down without a fight."

John nodded. "Striders are good friends."

"You're calling us a disease?" Dave snorted. "Not that I can argue, with this guy right in front of us as evidence..."

"I don't think friendship's a disease," John said, furrowing his brow as he tried to pick his words carefully. "Not when it gives us the strength to keep fighting even though we're probably boned."

"Oh. So friendship is a pile of goddamn cheese."

John lightly smacked Dave's shoulder with the back of his hand, but he stifled a laugh. "Shit, speaking of friends..." John took out his PDA. "Give me a second."

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] started trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

GT: hey buddy.   
EB: UUUUGH.   
EB: PLEASE TELL ME YOU AREN'T THE MORON AGAIN.   
GT: heh, you haven't call me that in a while.   
EB: I DON'T KNOW WHY THE FUCK NOT. IT'S NOT LIKE IT EVER STOPPED BEING ACCURATE.   
EB: YOU *ARE* THE JOHN WHO JUST CONTACTED ME IN A PANIC, RIGHT?   
GT: right.   
EB: YOU OKAY?   
GT: yeah. thanks for telling jade to check dave's monitor, by the way.   
GT: you saved my ass.   
EB: UH, I DIDN'T DO SHIT.   
EB: YET, I GUESS.   
EB: GREAT. NOW I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT THE TIMING ON THAT ONE.   
GT: apparently you get it right, so don't worry about it.   
EB: I HATE THIS TIMELINE BULLSHIT.   
GT: you and me both.   
EB: SO YOU GONNA TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED OR NOT?   
GT: well, the glitch kinda found us. my stupid fault.   
GT: but dave has it under control for now.   
GT: i'd actually better log off. i think i owe him some company.   
EB: IF YOU WANT TO ROT YOUR BRAIN TALKING WITH THAT ASSHOLE, BE MY GUEST. JADE'S BUGGING ME ANYWAY.   
GT: okay.   
GT: i don't know if i'll be able to talk to you again, but...   
GT: oh wait. oh, fuck, i forgot, uh, you'll... definitely hear from me at least one more time!   
EB: THIS BUILD UP CAN ONLY BODE WELL...   
GT: yeah uhhh around the end of your timeline, i'll be saying hi! and it'll be kinda embarrassing! so... sorry about that.   
EB: WONDERFUL, I GET ONE LAST HEADACHE TO LOOK FORWARD TO. AT LEAST IT MEANS I SURVIVE THAT LONG.   
GT: yup.   
GT: anyway if i don't talk to you later, past me will!   
GT: tell jade i said hi.   
EB: YEAH, I'M NOT DOING THAT.   
EB: ALSO   
EB: JUST   
EB: JUST STAY SAFE THIS TIME, OKAY?   
GT: will do. :)

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

With a quiet sigh, John stuffed his PDA back into the sylladex. "Sorry. I was letting Karkat know I was okay. I kinda scared him."

"No prob," Dave said with a small shrug. "I'm chatting with Terezi anyway."

Teal and red text flashed across a corner of his shades, the font too small and backwards for John to read. John tilted his head and watched it flicker all the same.

"You really pity her, don't you?" he said after a moment.

The text went still, the last message in teal. Dave hesitated. "S'pose you might call it that."

John smiled. "Least _something_ good might come of this game, if someone finds a matesprit out of it."

"John, I..." Dave hesitated. "I didn't realize you pitied Vriska. Not until it was too late, anyway."

It felt as if a rock sank through John's gut. "It... it wasn't actually like that... and I understand why Terezi killed her, but..." He swallowed. He refused to cry again, not in front of Dave, not when they were getting along again. "She was still my friend and I really cared about her."

"I'm sorry," Dave said, barely above a whisper.

"I know." John breathed deeply to fight off any urges to break into tears. "God, how can any of us be thinking about fucking romance anyway, when we could die at any minute?"

"Dunno." Dave smirked. "Thought you and I might go caliginous for a minute there."

John laughed. "Ew, no way!"

"Rose is just biting at the bit to jump in and be our auspistice."

John snorted. "She can't be impartial if she's my moirail. We'll have to ask Jade instead."

Dave cocked his head in a shrug. "Too late. Jade's already my moirail."

"What?" John gaped. "You're filling all your quadrants today!"

"All but that elusive clover." Dave smirked again. "Maybe Karkat can be our auspistice. Cool head like that, how could it go wrong?"

John blushed. "Um. While we're on the subject of quadrants and Karkat..."

There was a pause. "Wait. Wait, no." Dave pulled a face. "John, I thought you had _taste_. When did this fuckin' happen?"

"I dunno. Pity at first sight?" John shrugged, his attention honed in on his fingers as he picked at a claw. "I really didn't think it was more than a little flushcrush. It was stupid, but when I thought I was gonna die back there, I really, _really_ wanted to talk to him one last time, more than even Rose." He dared to glance up. "If he came to mind before my moirail, that means I'm pretty serious, right?"

Dave still frowned. "Or just stupid. You barely know the guy."

"You barely know Terezi."

"Terezi isn't a nookwhiffer."

John narrowed his eyes. "Bet you wish she'd whiff your nook."

"You don't even know what that means," Dave said in his usual deadpan, but his cheeks turned red.

John burst out laughing. "Holy shit! I got Strider to blush."

"It's fuckin' warm in here."

"Your face is as red as your shirt."

The blush worsened. "Dude, shut up."

John snickered. "Only because you asked nicely."

They traded jabs and shot the shit as if they were back home, before they'd even heard of Sgrub. If it weren't for the fact that Dave was trapped keeping a deadly threat at bay, it would have felt like the offline hangouts John often wished he could share with his Trollian buddies.

"John?" Dave's voice was a little weak.

"Yep?"

"I dunno how long I can keep this up." Even Dave's shades couldn't hide a cringe that intense. "My sponge hurts like a motherfucker and I'm... I'm really tired."

John edged in close against Dave's side. He propped up Dave's nearest arm and slipped his free hand around Dave's back to catch his other arm. Dave slumped against him with obvious relief and John grinned. "You actually fall asleep and I'll bite you."

Dave smirked. "You'd fucking better."


	31. Act 2.19

As far as the countdown to some unknown critical event was concerned, they'd reached the final hour. The short time limit seemed almost comforting instead of foreboding anymore, with John and Dave trapped in close proximity with Daveglitch. At least it seemed a decent indicator that, whatever happened, there was only so long they would be stuck in those circumstances.

Rose tried not to feel guilty for leaving them alone with such a dangerous captive. It was hard to completely abandon her worry, but she and Jade both had tasks ahead of them far bigger than any dangers in the immediate present. The boys could take care of themselves for that long. (She hoped.)

It felt almost like a waste to spend the last of their time chasing after a doomed Time player, but she couldn't shake her Seer instincts that this was the most fortuitous path to take. She wondered if her powers could be wrong, for as long as it was taking to track down Aradia.

TT: No luck?  
GA: Not Yet  
GA: Are You Able To See Her With Your Alien Technology  
TT: She's not replying to my attempts at communicating with her. I don't know if I've chosen a poor spot on the timeline or if she's ignoring me.  
GA: It Wouldnt Be Odd At All If It Were The Latter  
GA: She Can Get Caught Up In Her Work Sometimes  
TT: It's always possible she's died. Your session is large enough that it wouldn't be surprising in the slightest if no one had come across her body.  
GA: All The More Reason To Find Her Before Someone Else Does  
GA: Karkat In Particular Does Not Need To Watch Her Die All Over Again  
TT: Crap. Jade hasn't come across her either and the boys aren't in a good position to give me a rundown at the moment.  
GA: Exclamation Point  
GA: She Just Replied  
TT: Now?  
GA: Yes She Says She Hadnt Been Present In Our Current Time Until Just Now  
TT: Where is she?  
GA: Shes  
GA: At Tavross House For Some Reason  
GA: Oh Never Mind That Was Foolish Of Me  
GA: It Makes Sense That Her Siblings House Is The Closest To Her Own  
TT: Will she talk with us?  
GA: It Appears So But Her Reply Speed Leaves Much To Be Desired  
GA: I Will Go To Meet Her In Case Thats Quicker Than Instant Message  
GA: Im Filling Her In On Recent Happenings Now

Kanaya didn't even have to be told to hurry. She darted for the nearest Gate to LOSAZ, landing safely on a balcony built onto Tavros's incomplete hive. Rose could see Kanaya call out before deciding to descend to the ground level.

Aradia was by the alchemiter, still decked out in her God Tier ensemble, and alchemizing as fast as the machine would work. She moved with purpose, throwing aside glitched alchemized items so quickly it was clear she could tell which ones would come out as they should and which were infected.

TT: May I speak with her?  
GA: She Claims To Be Busy Preparing For Something And Thats Why Her Pesterchum Is So Inactive  
GA: Shes Packing Apparently  
TT: Packing? For what?  
GA: Shes Not Being Forthright On That  
GA: I Am Scolding Her  
GA: It Has Little Effect So Far She Does Not Seem Terribly Concerned That Our Sessions Are Falling Apart  
GA: Its Quite Irresponsible Of Her Though  
TT: Will she speak with me through you?  
GA: She Thinks She Can Manage To Multi Task To That Degree  
TT: Well, this sounds tedious as fuck, but if that's what it takes, fine.  
TT: Can you ask her if she found any evidence in her doomed session that it's possible to access reality again from the medium?  
GA: She Thinks She May Be Stating The Obvious When She Points Out That Skaia Has Portals During The Reckoning That Do That  
TT: That WAS obvious. I've been trying to formulate a plan that might utilize them in your session.  
TT: Our Reckoning, however, is over. I'm fairly sure Skaia is done with us at this point, even if we were to throw a blizzard of meteors at it.  
TT: Does she have a slightly less obvious suggestion up her sleeve, or did her doomed session lead nowhere that the alpha hasn't already tread?  
GA: There Are A Couple Secret Ish Tricks That May Be What Youre Looking For  
GA: But She Says Its Irrelevant Now  
GA: Our Session Cant Utilize Them  
TT: But can ours?  
GA: Ill Check  
GA: She Wants To Know If Your Time Players Planet Is Still In One Piece  
TT: All of our planets appear preserved. It's just the NPCs that have suffered, so far.  
GA: Then Yes  
GA: You Need To Be Able To Access The Scratch Construct On Your Time Players Planet  
TT: "Scratch Construct"?  
GA: It Should Be A Very Large Device That Doesnt Quite Match Its Surroundings And That Has Proven Useless In Your Quests So Far  
TT: That's...  
TT: Well. Actually, I may know something that fits the bill.  
TT: Dave's planet has a giant goddamn record called the Beat Mesa sitting in the midst of gears and lava.  
GA: Then She Says  
GA: Ill Try To Condense This Properly  
GA: She Says That Your First Option Is To Scratch The Session  
TT: I believe she mentioned that phrase before. What does it even mean?  
GA: If You Cut Into Your Time Players Scratch Construct With Something Of Powerful Enough Substance  
GA: It Will Send A Signal To Skaia To Reset Your Game Session To The Beginning  
GA: With The Caveat  
GA: Your Current Session Will Become Less Than A Doomed Timeline  
GA: And You Will Cease To Exist  
TT: ...Well then.  
GA: This Does Not Seem Like An Ideal Option To Me  
TT: Perhaps as an absolute last resort. But even then, I'd call it a maybe.  
TT: The cost hardly seems worth the reward. We might as well just accept our fates and perish, if the only other option is to never exist at all.  
GA: She Says It Is Likely Your Only Chance Of Completing The Game  
GA: The Only Other Option Will Bar You From Ever Winning  
TT: Our endgame door is destroyed. I wasn't optimistic about finishing anymore to begin with.  
GA: In That Case She Says That The Scratch Construct Has A Lesser Utilized Function  
GA: If You Can Dislodge It From Its Pedestal  
GA: You Will In Essence Eject The Game Permanently  
GA: And Be Returned To Your Ruined Home Planet  
TT: That's... hardly a gratifying future. But probably better than no future.  
TT: I need to weigh the advantages of that strategy.  
GA: Do You Need Anything Else From Her  
GA: She Says She Cant Stay In Any Time Period Within The Medium For Too Long Without Risk Of Her Doomed Status Catching Up To Her  
TT: Does she have any other advice that could help us? Specifically anything she discovered in her doomed timeline that isn't common knowledge here?  
GA: Yes But I Dont Think Youll Find It Helpful  
TT: What did she say?  
GA: Dont Get Possessed  
TT: I think she just stated the obvious again.  
TT: But I also think I don't want to imagine what happened in her timeline.  
GA: How Fortunate  
GA: She Does Not Wish To Speak Of It Either  
TT: I am honestly not sure if you're attempting sarcasm or not.  
GA: No  
TT: Got it.  
GA: Wait Did That Sound Sarcastic Too  
TT: A little.

Aradia alchemized a new weapon, threw it into her sylladex without even examining it, and backed away from the alchemiter. She gave Kanaya a wave, then disappeared in a flash of red light.

GA: Is That It Then  
TT: I don't know.  
TT: That was hardly the deus ex machina-like solution I was hoping for, but I'm not sure what else we could expect.  
GA: Karkat Just Contacted Me  
GA: He Wants Everyone Still Alive And Unpossessed To Meet Him In The Veil  
GA: All Four Of Us  
GA: Is That All Right Or Will I Be Greatly Inconveniencing You If I Join Them  
TT: I won't ask you to give my team priority over your own, Kanaya.  
GA: Are You Sure  
GA: I Do Not Think It Would Be Harmful To My Team If I Were To Pursue Something Beneficial To Your Team  
GA: We Are In The Same Boat Rose  
TT: Honestly, I'm not sure what else we can hope to accomplish at this point anyway.  
TT: We're out of time, both of us, and we're out of leads.  
GA: I See  
GA: Then I Guess Theres Not Much More I Can Accomplish For This Game  
GA: Is There Even A Point To Carrying This Genesis Frog Anymore  
TT: I don't know. But I hope so.  
GA: Then  
GA: Thats A Good Enough Reason To Keep It In My Inventory I Think  
GA: I Should Catch Up With The Others  
TT: Just so you're aware, optimistically, this may be the last time we speak within your session.  
TT: Less optimistically, this may be the last time we speak, period.  
GA: So I Should Say Any Last Words Now  
TT: If you have any, at least.  
GA: I Do Actually  
GA: For As Much As This Game Was A Burden Full Of Unnecessary Tragedy  
GA: I Did Enjoy Getting To Meet You At Least  
TT: I...  
TT: I can't in good conscience so much as imply that our meeting was "worth" all of this game's bullshit, but...  
TT: Your company has been a large source of comfort.  
GA: Thank You  
GA: I Wish You All The Luck Rose  
GA: Please Stay Safe  
TT: You as well.

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

Rose let her hands fall from the keyboard with a sigh. "Jade," she said, "how's it going on your end?"

"It's a bit up in the air still, but so far it seems possible to get the humans safely to our session," Jade said, her eyes glued to her monitor as she typed up a storm. "What about you?"

"Well..." Rose scrolled up on Kanaya's chatlog, rereading Aradia's advice to make sure she understood it before passing it on to someone else. "I'm not quite sure on how to execute either scenario, but I now know how to wipe ourselves out of existence or strand us on a destitute Alternia." She forced a smile. "Which sounds more appealing to you?"

Jade paused, raising her head and staring at the Genesis Frog in the distance. "I'd like to go home again."

* * *

TG: so  
TG: the hell are you even up to anymore  
GC: 1DK  
GC: C4NT YOU S33 TH4T CMOOON D4V3 YOUR3 TH3 ON3 W1TH V1S1ON H3R3  
TG: uh yeah about that  
TG: im kinda using my computerized shades to talk to you right now  
TG: and im not really sure when i can snag a proper monitor with the real estate space for a viewport again  
GC: HOW COM3  
TG: evil glitch version of me attacked  
TG: had to save my bro  
TG: caught the asshole in a time trap so he cant move  
TG: which conveniently uses up both of my hands and more energy than i wanna think about right now  
GC: 3W  
TG: so yeah im just stuck here staring at my own creepy mind controlled face for the foreseeable future  
TG: hows your day going  
GC: MY FR13NDS 4R3 D34D  
GC: 4ND 1M K1ND OF SUSP3CT1NG MY S1S-MOM D13D TOO BUT 1M NOT R34LLY F33L1NG L1K3 4SK1NG 4NYON3 TO CONF1RM TH4T :\  
TG: ok you win worst day award  
TG: your trophy will arrive whenever i have free hands to send it  
GC: D1DNT YOUR P4R3NT D13 TOO  
TG: maybe  
GC: 1 TH1NK W3 C4N PROB4BLY SH4R3 TH4T TROPHY  
GC: YOUV3 GOT JUST 4S MUCH BULLSH1T R41N1NG DOWN ON YOU 4S 1 DO  
GC: N31TH3R OF US D3S3RV3S TH1S CR4P  
TG: uh  
TG: about that  
TG: i kinda do  
GC: DONT B3 STUP1D NO ON3 D3S3RV3S WH4T TH1S G4M3 PULLS  
TG: nah ysee this things actually my fault  
TG: his fault too technically i mean he hadnt split into his doomed timeline yet when we fucked up  
TG: so  
TG: our fault  
GC: :?  
TG: confession time i guess  
TG: i took advantage of a glitch when making your genesis frog  
TG: thought i was just taking a shortcut  
TG: guess the code got mangled instead and you got a buggy and infected copy of sburb out of it  
TG: so yeah  
TG: the glitch and all the shit surrounding it  
TG: thats on me  
GC: OH  
TG: sorry  
GC: TH4T 3XPL41NS 4 LOT  
TG: yep  
TG: guess you know who to exact sw33t just1c3 upon now  
GC: ...TO B3 HON3ST D4V3  
GC: TH1S DO3SNT N33D TO GO TO COURT 4NYMOR3  
TG: what youre dropping the lawyer shtick now  
TG: dont give enough shits to bother prosecuting me anymore or have i sufficiently wooed you into showing me mercy  
TG: i dont think you should be letting your emotions guide you when it comes to dealing out justice  
GC: 1TS N31TH3R OF THOS3 3X4CTLY  
GC: BUT 1 TH1NK SK414 H4S 4LR34DY 3X4CT3D SW33T JUST1C3 UPON YOU  
GC: 4ND 4 HUM4N COURT C4NT TOP TH4T PUN1SHM3NT  
TG: ...  
TG: guess its tough to argue that  
TG: when its staring me right in the face  
GC: 1NT3NT DO3SNT 4LW4YS M4TT3R 1N 4 COURT OF L4W  
GC: BUT 1T ST1LL M4K3S 4 D1FF3R3NC3 TO M3 TH4T 1T W4S JUST 4 STUP1D M1ST4K3 4ND NOTH1NG M4L1C1OUS  
TG: youre right though intent doesnt really matter here  
TG: we are fucking screwed both ways because of me and aint no amount of oops didnt mean to do it is gonna fix that  
GC: :[  
GC: 1 TH1NK W3 4LL M4D3 4 LOT OF M1ST4K3S 1N TH1S G4M3  
TG: maybe  
TG: mines still the root of it  
TG: you couldnt grow all those leafy mistake branches without me as the base  
TG: sure there are outside influences like gotta get just enough water and hope no wild lusus come to chow down when the mistake tree is just a sapling  
TG: but at the end of the night that towering piece of mistaken plant wouldnt have sprouted without my influence at the very start  
GC: H3Y COOLK1D  
GC: SHUT UP FOR 4 M1NUT3  
GC: 1 DR3W YOU SOM3TH1NG 4W3SOM3 TO CH33R YOU UP  
\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "CH3CK1T.jpg" --  
GC: S33? 1TS JUST L1K3 YOUR DUMB COM1C  
TG: terezi  
TG: this is a bunch of scribbles  
GC: D4MN  
TG: its fucking beautiful  
GC: :]  
GC: OBV1OUSLY  
GC: TH3R3S MOR3 WH3R3 TH4T C4M3 FROM TOO  
TG: you dont gotta spoil me t-z youve got better shit to do than this  
GC: NOT R34LLY  
GC: DR4W1NG FOR MY 4L13N BOYFR13ND SOUNDS B3TT3R TH4N S1TT1NG 4ROUND K1CK1NG MY F33T  
TG: fair point  
TG: and your alien boyfriend is totally worth doing nice things for always  
GC: M4YB3 SOM3T1M3S 4NYW4Y  
GC: OCC4SS1ON4LLY  
TG: ymean always  
GC: WH3N H3S H4V1NG 4 B4D D4Y 4ND 1 S33 F1T TO T4K3 P1TY ON H1M  
TG: nah you always want to draw him crap  
TG: because hes awesome and worth it  
GC: 1M B31NG V3RY CH4R1T4BL3 TOW4RDS YOU D4V3 4ND WH3N YOU 4R3 DON3 CONT41N1NG 4 V1OL3NT FR34K 4G41NST N4TUR3 YOU W1LL SHOW M3 PROP3R 4PPR3C14T1ON  
GC: 1N OTH3R WORDS  
GC: 1 3XP3CT B4CK RUBS L4T3R  
TG: well i expect bulge rubs  
GC: OMG YOU FUCK1NG P3RV  
GC: WH4T 1F 1 S41D Y3S HUH  
GC: >:]  
GC: > :]  
GC: >:]  
GC: > ;]  
TG: then id put on some nice music and lounge in my hottest pose  
TG: be the sweetest eyecandy a blind girls ever not seen  
TG: and make you comfortable in turn because what kind of alien boyfriend would i be if i made you do all the work  
GC: W3LL W3 C4N G3T DOWN TO TH3S3 L3WD 4CTS 4FT3R YOOOOOU.....  
TG: ...  
GC: ........  
TG: yooooou?  
GC: *HOLDS FOR SUSP3NS3*  
TG: goddamit it  
TG: cmon you what  
GC: YOOOOOOOU...  
TG: yooooooou...  
GC: G4Z3 UPON TH1S M4ST3RP1EC3!!!!!!  
\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "1STH1SYOU.jpg" --  
TG: hahahaha wow holy shit you even got my blood color right  
GC: OF COURS3 1 D1D  
GC: R3D 1S TH3 B333ST  
TG: you sure you didnt send me this before or something?  
TG: it looks kinda familiar  
GC: NO :? 1 M4D3 1T JUST NOW!  
TG: oh

Welp, on closer examination, that image on his screen was certainly the same bright red drawing he'd received shortly after getting stuck on the meteor. As in, the same piece of shit that a stranger had sent him out of nowhere that led to Jade tracking down the sender and, voila, check out those twelve weird pink and brown aliens. The file that had paved the way to finding and trolling and working with the humans. That one.

TG: ok so important thing  
TG: listen up cos i dont have time to drop this advice on you twice  
TG: get ready here it comes  
TG: resend this file  
TG: but shoot it straight to my username through the menu dont think of attaching it to this log again all right?  
GC: WH4T FOR :?  
TG: maybe i want to be able to save a copy to another hard drive t-z cmon im working with glasses here shit looks tiny  
TG: just do me this favor  
TG: ill get it when im supposed to and study it closely and show it to all my friends  
TG: it will literally change my life  
TG: your art is that incredible  
GC: YOUR3 JUST BUTT3R1NG M3 UP SO 1 AGR33 TO TH3 BULG3 RUBS  
TG: well obviously  
TG: did you send it  
GC: Y3S 1 D1D YOU TH4T F4VOR 4ND NOW 1 OW3 YOU Z3RO BULG3 RUBS 4FT3R 4LL WH4T 4 SH4M3  
TG: damn  
GC: B3TT3R LUCK N3XT T1M3  
TG: someday pyrope  
GC: SOM3D4Y >:]  
GC: H3Y  
GC: K4RK4TS 4SK1NG M3 TO M33T H1M 4BOUT SOM3TH1NG PR3TTY CRUC14L 1 GU3SS  
TG: oh  
TG: yeah  
TG: your timelines kinda near the end huh  
GC: W1LL YOU B3 OK4Y BY YOURS3LF W1TH YOUR GL1TCHY C4PT1V3 COOLK1D :[  
TG: dont worry about me im handling this shit just fine  
TG: couldnt find a better guy for the job im just chilling like it aint nothing cos really how much better does it get than standing around with no other obligations  
TG: besides im not alone  
TG: johns with me  
GC: H3 DO3SNT H4T3 YOU 4NYMOR3 4FT3R TH3 VR1SK4 NONS3NS3?  
TG: well hes still kinda sore about that  
TG: but nah he doesnt hate me  
GC: GOOD :]  
GC: 1 W1LL L34V3 YOU 1N H1S C4P4BL3 H4NDS TH3N  
GC: T3LL H1M 1 S41D TH4T  
TG: oh hell no  
GC: XP  
GC: 1 GOTT4 RUN  
GC: 1LL  
GC: T4LK TO YOU L4T3R? :[ 1 HOP3  
TG: for sure t-z  
GC: 1F YOU D13 1N TH3 M34NT1M3 1LL K1LL YOU  
TG: ill keep that in mind

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

* * *

The countdown only had minutes left on the clock. Rose pulled a chair next to Jade's computer, watching the monitor over Jade's shoulder since she had no trolling left to do herself. Jade shot her a smile and scooted to the side to make sure Rose's view wasn't obscured.

Karkat was pacing the lab in the veil that had sent the glitch to the troll session. He'd dragged Nepeta and Equius's corpses away from the control console, to a dark corner where they could rest undisturbed, and he kept checking Pesterchum as he waited for the others, scowling if the only new messages came from Jade.

"You're sure you can move something that big without harming yourself?" Rose said quietly.

Jade nodded. "It'll be no problem. Besides, we're not even sure we'll have to resort to going near the Beat Mesa, right?"

Rose sighed and shrugged. "At this point, I don't know what to tell you to count on. Other than more shit."

"It'll be okay, Rose!" Jade grinned at her. "We're doing great."

They both fell quiet as more humans appeared on the viewport. Kanaya arrived in the lab first, followed shortly by Terezi. Karkat still didn't stop his restless movements, instead adding "shouting at innocent bystanders" to his activities. Terezi sighed and sat against the wall with Kanaya, probably trying to ignore him. It wasn't until Sollux showed up that Karkat's behavior altered.

He caught Sollux by the arm and dragged him over to the controls. Karkat pointed all over the place until Sollux smacked his hands out of the way and leaned in close to examine it himself. They shared a few more exchanges, Sollux frowning deeper by the second while Karkat fidgeted.

EB: THE SELF-PROCLAIMED GREATEST PROGRAMMER ALIVE (BIG FUCKING DEAL WHEN THERE ARE ONLY FIVE HUMANS NOT DEAD) IS HAVING TROUBLE.  
EB: YOU NEED TO CONTACT HIM AND GET HIM THROUGH HIS WHINY PISSBABY CODE BLOCK.  
EB: BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND SHIT ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON.  
EB: AND I DON'T HAVE TIME IN PART BECAUSE FOR SOME FUCKING REASON JOHN IS PESTERING ME?!  
GG: no problem! :)  
EB: OH MY GOD, IT'S HIS FIRST CONVO AND HE'S REVERTED TO FULL MORON.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling twinArmageddeons [TA] \--

GG: hi! :D  
GG: karkat probably already told you this, but im jade!  
TA: 2ollux. not that iit matter2 for much longer.  
TA: can't beliieve ii'm actually talkiing two one of you a22hole2 agaiin.  
GG: we are not assholes!  
GG: we had ONE asshole on our team and he has been reprimanded  
GG: and he is not me anyway!  
TA: ii don't actually care whether you're an a22hole or not, 2o long a2 you have a better gra2p of what'2 goiing on than KK doe2.  
GG: youre trying to reprogram the destination on the teleporter but it is not being that simple, right?  
TA: ii gue22. iit's both 2impler than that and 2tupiidly more compliicated two.  
GG: what is going on?  
TA: okay, 2o the biigge2t problem here ii2...  
TA: thii2 machiine'2 last coordiinate2 are 2et for the end of your 2e22iion, riight?  
TA: whiich you've already been through. we weren't there, ii'm pretty damn 2ure.  
GG: ohhh yeah that would just make a doomed timeline if you came through then :\  
TA: fuckiing exactly. we need two change thii2 2hiit two 2omethiing that won't get u2 all kiilled by paradox.  
TA: 2omewhere iin your future.  
TA: changiing the tiimiing ii2 the ea2y part though. the real problem here ii2, WHERE the fuck do ii 2et thii2? ii don't know 2hiit about your 2e22iion's coordiinate2.  
TA: are we goiing two fuckiing diie iif we 2liip through your endgame door liike the gliitchy a22hole?  
GG: that would probably not be a good place to teleport, it is true!  
GG: i dont know what would happen since the door is broken  
GG: and besides which we are very far away from that right now  
TA: you wanna throw me a fuckiing bone here?  
TA: ii2 there ANYTHIING ii can lock ontwo?  
GG: that you can input from another universe away? :\  
TA: no, that ii can't iinput, obviiou2ly.  
GG: :p  
GG: hmmmmmmmmm...  
TA: don't break your braiin there or anythiing.  
GG: shhhh  
GG: what about......  
GG: can you lock onto our chat handles?  
TA: teleport u2 two wherever you a22hole2 are?  
TA: thii2 program ii2n't 2et up for that kiind of command iin the locatiion 2etting2.  
TA: ii'll have iit ready iin fiive miinute2.  
GG: :D  
TA: when 2hould we aiim two arriive anyway?  
GG: umm we have been here a little less than fourteen hours! so definitely set your arrival time at LEAST fourteen hours after the glitch arrived in our session  
TA: okay, ii'm goiing two giive u2 a better buffer than that iin ca2e your aliien hour2 are longer than our2 or 2omethiing equally 2tupiid.  
TA: ii'm not dyiing by a techniicaliity.  
GG: that is a good idea  
GG: though for what it is worth, from what ive observed our hours are the same length as your human hours!  
TA: probably but oh well.  
TA: ii'm already done.  
GG: already? O_O that wasnt even five minutes  
TA: yeah, ii overe2tiimated. iit happen2.  
GG: but youre still typing?  
TA: KK and ii fiigured 2omethiing.  
TA: the teleporter'2 all ready, but thii2 2e22iion's fucked anyway. we miight a2 well try two wiipe out what we can and make 2ure there'2 le22 two try followiing u2.  
GG: how can we do that?  
TA: heheheh, leave that 2hiit two me. ii've got a few program2 up my 2leave that 2hould cau2e a decent chaiin reactiion here.  
GG: ok but make sure they dont activate until youre all safely out of there!  
TA: what kiind of iidiiot do you thiink ii am?  
TA: they'll go off iin ten miinute2.  
GG: uuummmm that sounds kind of soon to me o___o  
TA: nah, ii've got thii2.  
TA: everyone'2 gonna be teleported two 2afety wiith plenty of tiime two 2pare.  
GG: is there a reason karkat looks so angry right now?  
TA: ugh, he thiink2 we 2hould waiit for GZ.  
TA: two fuckiing late for that now.  
TA: tiime for the wor2t fuckiing part...  
GG: debugging?  
TA: oh hell no, that'2 ea2y. ii mean abandoniing my code to herd the2e a22hole2 intwo po2iitiion.  
GG: oh, heheh :) im sure you will manage!

Sollux pointed fingers and gestured from the humans to the freshly reprogrammed transportalizer as he gave orders, making Karkat prickle in annoyance. Sollux just facepalmed as Karkat stubbornly repeated the same gestures, probably echoing the same orders.

Terezi was the first to hop over to get sent to the new session. Sollux made a couple last adjustments before pressing the button that activated the device. Terezi disappeared in a flash of light and Kanaya stepped up next.

The static in the area was growing thicker. Jade thought at first her viewport was about to grow faulty again, then she tensed as she realized where the static was really coming from: Gamzee had just wandered into the lab.

GG: watch out!!!!

They were more likely to notice on their own before her message drew their attention, but what else could she do?

Kanaya teleported away before Karkat glanced towards the door and froze at the sight of Gamzee slumping closer. Despite Jade's initial reaction of horror -- that Sollux seemed to match, if his expression was any indicator -- Karkat looked almost relieved.

Karkat darted away from the transportalizer, to Jade and Sollux's dismay, and made a beeline for Gamzee.

"No, no, no!" Jade said aloud, as if Karkat had any chance of hearing her. Rose set a comforting hand over her wrist.

Gamzee grew still as Karkat grabbed him by his front. The color of his Blood aspect glowed along his hands as he made contact and static burst off of Gamzee in every direction like an explosion, but it stayed firmly attached and sparked along his body wherever Karkat's hands didn't touch. Gamzee raised his juggling club, aiming it perfectly at Karkat's scalp.

Sollux tossed a handful of metal stars at Gamzee's face. They weren't thrown with enough strength or precision to do any damage, but it made Gamzee falter and that was all Sollux needed to nab the back of Karkat's shirt and yank him out of Gamzee's reach.

Karkat struggled against Sollux, but Sollux hauled him to the transportalizer all the same and held him there, breaking one arm free to throw a book at the control console and hit the activation button. Jade wasn't a great lip reader, but even she could tell that Karkat was calling Gamzee's name over and over. Gamzee just tilted his head.

Karkat was still yelling, his eyes wide in horror, when the teleporter activated and engulfed him in light. Sollux fell back just in time to avoid getting his arms chopped off by the beam as Karkat disappeared.

Sollux stumbled back, simultaneously keeping his distance and keeping between Gamzee and the controls. Gamzee advanced on him, weapons at the ready as static sparked around them.

Jade glanced up at Rose, hoping she had some solution, some strategy that let them interfere before Sollux became the next deceased Sburb player. Rose watched the monitor with a grim expression and shook her head.

Jade almost wanted to squeeze her eyes shut than risk seeing another human's think pans strewn across the floor, but she forced herself to watch in solidarity with Sollux. Staying with him in spirit was the most she could do.

The room glowed in a flash of red light. Before the light could fade, a whip lashed out from it, caught Gamzee's wrist, and flung him against the wall.

Aradia floated in front of Sollux, holding her weapon at the ready. She smiled. Every time Gamzee tried to stumble back to his feet, she threw him back with a flick of her whip.

Sollux darted to the control console, smashing in more commands than it would take to just set up a timed transportalizer activation.

GG: whats going on??? youve got to hurry over here!  
TA: can't talk, bu2y de2troyiing thii2 lab.  
GG: wait what? D: sollux you need to get on the transportalizer before it is too late!  
TA: 2hut up ii need two concentrate! talk two AA.

\-- twinArmageddeons [TA] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

AA: sollux said you needed dealt with  
AA: im sorry but contrary to prior plans he will not be joining you after all  
GG: what??  
AA: i rather need his expertise to isolate this session before everything breaks apart and we make our escape  
AA: otherwise im sure it would be quite delightful to meet you in person  
GG: theres still time! you can teleport with the others!  
AA: oh im aware  
AA: but we are going to destroy that option soon and break off from your session permanently  
GG: what? why??  
AA: it is the safest solution for all of us i believe  
AA: please take care of my friends  
AA: i am rather fond of them and im sad to part enough as it is without worrying for their safety  
GG: youre really not going to try to come with them? D:  
AA: no  
GG: but youre in danger there!  
GG: or can you not come because you are from a doomed timeline? are you dead either way? :(  
AA: oh dont worry about that  
AA: i have plans in the farthest ring that dont involve dying  
AA: mostly making sure our dead friends have a nice afterlife  
GG: what???  
AA: feferi made a few arrangements with the locals after she died  
AA: it is quite the welcoming place thanks to her handiwork  
GG: she... did what after she died?  
AA: i am afraid i cant explain further  
AA: we are out of time  
GG: wait!!!!  
AA: and i believe  
AA: so are you  
AA: :)

The countdown reached zero.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter left in Act 2 before Intermission 2 and Act 3 kick in. I think I've mentioned this in the comments section already, but this seems like a good time to note that this fic is about to break from the pattern of mirroring canon's basic story progression. We're reaching the equivalent of canon's Act 6 and... Act 6 isn't finished. I'm uncomfortable playing with so many plot threads that haven't been tied up yet and trying to mirror such foggy territory, so... instead I'm gonna make like a writer and make up my own shit instead! C&V will still have plenty of nods to the canon, but starting from about here, it's also gonna be doing its own thing.


	32. Act 2.20

A low, deafening noise assaulted John's ears. It sounded like a deep bellow or a fog horn, but distorted as if heard from underwater. As the volume increased, any identifiable traits vanished, replaced by a nonstop audible throbbing that traveled down John's torso pillar and made his teeth sore.

Even if he could have summoned the energy to fight through the pain and find his voice, he never would have been able to speak loud enough for Dave to hear him. Daveglitch was the only one who didn't wince at the eruption of noise and John was pretty sure that was just because he was frozen and thus incapable of showing signs of pain.

The meteor shook, lightly enough at first that John almost assumed it was just a hallucination brought on by the vibration accompanying the sound. The tremors only grew more intense as the noise reached its peak volume and mercifully died down into a thick silence. John kept his arms wrapped tight around Dave's shoulders, trying to steady him, but both of them were having difficulty keeping their feet planted as the shaking increased.

"The fuck's going on?" Dave's voice sounded distant and muted as John's ears tried to readjust to the relative silence. Even the rumbling of the meteor sounded muffled.

"Maybe Rose blew something up again?" John said.

The meteor lurched and Dave stumbled, his arms faltering, and John made the split-second decision to retreat rather than wait for the inevitable moment that Dave lost control of his time trap. He wrenched Dave sideways, out of Daveglitch's line of attack, and they collapsed on top of each other as Daveglitch zipped past them. Daveglitch's sword clattered as it stabbed into the floor less than a foot away from them.

Daveglitch faltered in a confused daze, lifting his sword but only staring at it instead of launching a new attack on his near-defenseless prey. Even a glitch apparently needed a moment to regain its bearings in an unstable meteor after spending an hour in limbo.

The floor stopped shaking, but John was frozen in stupefaction that they'd survived another ten seconds. Dave reacted first, shoving John off of him but keeping a tight grip around his wrist as he pulled them both to their feet. He practically dragged John into the air, yelling at him to _hurry the fuck up_. John snapped back to attention at the sound of his name, pulling his own weight again as they shot away from Daveglitch as fast as they could.

"He's just as fast as you but teleports and has freaky glitch powers!" John said, speaking so fast in his rush to warn Dave of what they were up against that he almost ran out of breath.

"Awesome, so we got this sweetass head start and otherwise we're fucked."

"Contact Jade and Rose on your shades and let them know what's happening!" John glanced over his shoulder. He knew Daveglitch would be pursuing them at any moment, but his mouth still went dry at the confirmation. "Could we take him two-on-one?"

"Y'heard Rose." Dave's brow furrowed and his lip curled. "We can't actually kill the fucker, so how would we even win that fight?" He lurched as if stumbling mid-air, faltering enough that John had to drag him along or risk losing speed.

"Jesus Christ, did I seriously hit you _that_ hard?" John said, trying not to gape.

"Yeah, you kinda did, grubfucker." Dave cringed, struggling to regain momentum but only falling behind John again. "What the hell's a Jesus Christ?"

"I don't know, Karkat just says that sometimes!" John wrenched them both to a halt as a cloud of static formed in front of them.

"The fuck are you-"

"He's teleporting!" John said, giving Dave's arm a yank as he shot the opposite direction.

Dave glanced back. "Well, shit."

"Yeah, it's a fucking pain in the ass. Think you can trap him again?"

"Not to brag, but given I don't have the element of surprise or Jade to back me up, like _fuck_ I can."

John groaned.

The meteor rumbled again, but it was more of a steady vibration compared to the earlier violent tremors.

"The fuck is going _on_ with this place?" John said, swerving to avoid hitting a wall that had lurched their direction.

Dave gripped John's wrist tightly. "Hell if I know, but I'm gonna go ahead and blame the girls."

John could barely manage a smile at that.

Dave gave him a tug. "Jade's saying to get to the surface of the meteor."

John furrowed his brow. " _What_?"

"Go up, moron!"

There was no damn "up" where they were, just a metal ceiling, but they had to come to a stop anyway as Daveglitch's tell-tale teleport static sparked in front of them. They could turn back and zigzag around in hopes that they found a clear path to the surface before Daveglitch cornered them, or... How intact did the lab need to stay anymore?

John felt for the wind, letting it swirl and pick up speed. It spun around them and turned into a mini tornado that drilled into the ceiling. He grabbed his largest hammer from his specibus and held it straight up to work as an umbrella against any debris.

He felt more confident just by emulating the finishing move he'd used against the Black Queen. Even better, this time he wouldn't get drenched in gross blood and guts. "Hold tight!"

Dave wrapped both arms around John's shoulders, sagging against him. "Oh god, you're gonna turn me into a goddamn damsel in distress at this rate."

"Pretty sure you did that all on your own!" John said, smirking at him.

Paying no heed to the damage done to the labs, they shot upwards, towards the surface and away from Daveglitch.

* * *

All of the human usernames vanished from Jade's ChumpRoll. The viewport flickered to black on the image of Sollux at the control console and Aradia holding off Gamzee. Before Jade could even jiggle her mouse to begin the most basic of troubleshooting, Rose caught her shoulder in a vise grip.

"What-" Jade glanced up.

Rose was staring at the screen monitoring their session. In the distance, past all their planets and floating over Skaia, the Genesis Frog sparked with a familiar, foreboding static. The countdown flashed 00:00:00 five times, then faded from the screen.

Frog expressions weren't easy to read, but Jade was pretty certain the equivalent of a cringe crossed his face as the static spread from the protruding throat and enveloped his entire body. He opened his mouth and let out a croak.

The meteor trembled as if it was hit by an earthquake when the croak reached them. Where the Vast Croak had been a source of comfort and ease despite its volume, this cry made Jade's blood run cold and her chest ache -- not to mention the pain and ringing in her ears. She was glad to already be sitting, but she still clung to Rose's arm for balance and Rose did the same, neither of them daring to glance away from the frog for more than a second.

The glitching around the Genesis Frog grew thicker until the pained croak finally fell silent, the meteor falling still with it shortly after. The lights that had sparked with color all along the frog's body slowly faded to dullness. His eyes closed and he hung limp in the air, all life drained from him. Even the sparks from the glitch fizzled and went out.

"Oh no..." Jade's voice caught. She would not cry, she would not cry, crying solved _nothing_ and she needed to be strong more than ever before.

"So that's what we can expect if we can't contain the glitch in our session," Rose said, her voice utterly toneless in odd contrast to her pale face.

Jade swallowed hard, but Trollian flashed with a new message before she could reply. She hoped it was from one of the humans, but their chat handles remained wiped out of existence with the rest of their universe.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--

TG: we suck hes loose  
GG: D8  
GG: we will be there as fast we can can!!! just hang in there!  
TG: no promises cant talk being chased

Jade leapt to her feet. "Daveglitch broke free!"

Rose cringed and smacked her hand over her face. "Of course he fucking did," she said. Before Jade could rush for the transportalizer, Rose caught her hand and gave it a tug. "Wait. Unless we can find a new way to trap him, fighting him is pointless."

"But-"

"The boys can hold their own for a few minutes." Rose rubbed across her brow, her steely demeanor returning as if she just needed to wipe the panic away like a bead of sweat. "What about our plan with the Beat Mesa?"

"You think we should do that now?" Jade worried her lip, glancing at the dead Genesis Frog and wincing. "What about the humans? Will they be able to teleport to us if we've broken out of the Medium?"

"We don't even know what happened to them for sure and right now we can't afford to wait to find out. We need to sever the glitch's link to the game and we don't have time to be picky about it." Rose stared Jade straight in the eyes. "Are you willing to pilot the meteor?"

Jade clenched her hands. She'd rarely tried moving anything half as large as a meteor, let alone at the speed they'd need for a sufficient impact, but she couldn't afford to fail. It was largely her fault they were in this position to begin with; she'd get them out of it. "I'll do it."

Rose relaxed. "We should move to the surface then. If we lose power in here, we won't be able to see where we're going."

Jade nodding, taking a moment to evaluate their surroundings and to gauge how far she needed to teleport them to get out of the meteor without overshooting it. They weren't so far from the surface that it was difficult to sense the space around them, at least. She squeezed Rose's hand before accessing her Space powers and zapping them out of the lab. It wasn't that she needed to touch the people she teleported, but she thought it was probably reassuring to them to have a physical reminder that she wasn't leaving them behind.

The lab disappeared, replaced instantaneously by the vast dark skies of Sgrub and the cold gray of the meteor. It was even darker than usual, even out in the Veil, with the Genesis Frog's lights burnt out. Skaia seemed even farther away compared to the image she'd grown used to watching on the screen in the lab.

Jade floated down so they both had their feet planted on solid ground. "Brace yourself, okay?" she said. She forced all thoughts of John and Dave and the humans to the back of her mind for the moment so she could concentrate -- they'd survive just fine on their own anyway; she believed in them!

She felt the meteor at first through just her shoes before the awareness spread in all directions. She could feel every bump and hole along the surface of the meteor. She felt the large, almost-spherical rock and grasped hold of it as she only could with her Space powers. Taking a deep breath, she gave the meteor a steady push forward. The ground shuddered as the meteor moved, growing more intense as she forced it to pick up speed.

"Tilt us up a little," Rose said. Her gaze was aimed at the planets, but her eyes were vacant as per usual when she accessed her Light powers to foresee a fortuitous path. "That will make us even with LOHAC."

"Got it!" Jade said. The meteor rocked all the more from the change in direction, but it smoothed out again as she adjusted to the sensation of having such a large mass under her control.

Once she got the hang of hurtling the meteor forward, she could afford to consider their numerous other obstacles. She needed to make sure John and Dave were still okay. It was a good thing she always kept multiple computers on her. She equipped a hands-off device and loaded Trollian.

GG: ok we are busy right now, so get to the surface of the meteor! we should be straight above you!  
TG: gdi harley thats not even remotely flying off to our rescue  
GG: sorry!!! :(

"John and Dave are coming, probably with Daveglitch on their tail!" Jade said.

Rose equipped an especially sharp pair of knitting needles. "I'll keep him at bay. Just concentrate on getting us to LOHAC and do _not_ risk crashing us unless you're certain your aim is perfect."

"Don't worry!" Jade grinned at her. "I've got this!"

There was a crash behind her and she dared to glance over her shoulder. A whirlwind broke out of the ground, sending chunks of metal from the lab's structures flying a good twenty feet in the air. John shot out of the hole that the whirlwind had left in its wake, carrying Dave with him. For a moment, Jade feared they were going to overshoot and she'd have to pull the meteor to a screeching halt to retrieve them, but John put on the brakes in time to stay in orbit and safely land on the shaking ground.

Dave collapsed to his knees and John had to hoist one of his arms over his shoulders to get him standing again. As predicted, Daveglitch wasn't far behind them, but Rose was ready to take the defense while the others were vulnerable.

She shot a bolt of magic in Daveglitch's path, blocking the route to his prey but never managing to strike him either. There was only so long Jade could pay attention to the struggle -- John was leaping into the fray alongside Rose and she hoped that would be enough to hold him off. She had to concentrate on the ever-nearing LOHAC. She put on a burst of speed.

"Jade! Swerve to the left!" Rose called. "We won't be in reach of the Beat Mesa otherwise!"

"Got it!" Jade yelled over her shoulder, adjusting their aim accordingly.

The glowing red planet grew larger by the second as they hurtled towards its surface. She spotted the Beat Mesa before even the cogs were visible. Their aim was still off-mark and she twisted the meteor's direction as much as she could for the last minute landing. She couldn't afford to slow down and risk losing the force of impact.

They were going to hit their target. She'd make sure of that. She just had to push her abilities a little harder, twist their direction a little further, keep her eye on the target as they grew closer and closer...

The meteor slammed against the edge of the Beat Mesa with such force that they all stumbled from the impact. John and Dave outright fell onto each other, while Rose managed to only collapse to her knees. Daveglitch and Jade were the only two to stay upright, as Daveglitch floated off the ground and Jade used her Space ability to stay in tune with the vehicle she was piloting.

The giant record tipped over, the structure looming above them as the meteor pressed its other side down. Steaming as it went, the platform slid into the lava ahead of them.

Beams of light shot up from the ground, encircling them with such brightness that they couldn't see their surroundings anymore. It was the same kind of light that had ensnared their hives before sending them to the Medium. Jade's skin tingled with the oncoming teleport as the light grew brighter. Teleporting by someone else's power made her shudder as the familiar sensation (minus the control she was used to exerting) shot over them.

The meteor crashed. For the first split second, Jade was sure they'd landed in lava, but the waves that flew into the air from impact were blue and not even close to lethally warm. The meteor rocked violently, each successive jolt less intense than the last as it settled into a steady float.

The white glow around them faded, leaving only the moon as a source of light. Jade's gaze snapped up and was greeted with Alternia's sky, complete with the same familiar constellations and purple moon she never thought she'd see again.

The fight ceased as all parties took in their surroundings. The meteor was surrounded by ocean for as far as the eye could see, save for Rose's hive. It had returned to Alternia as well, towering out of the water nearby with all the additional building done in Sgrub. For some reason, her Gates still floated above it as if the game was still in session. There was otherwise no sign of life left on the meteor-beaten planet -- no aquatic lususes playing in the water and no airborne lususes flying over them.

Jade darted to Dave's side, relieved that she couldn't find any sign of blood or injury on him. He sagged against her all the same when she dropped next to him.

John leapt to his feet and pointed at Daveglitch. "Ha! Who's out of his element now, you stupid glitchass?"

Daveglitch tilted his head, neither making a getaway nor attacking again. Maybe without the influence of the game, the glitch had gone dormant. Maybe it had lost its directive. Maybe it had turned safe.

Then he smirked, showing off his fangs like Dave so rarely did.

John frowned. "Okay, you are supposed to stop doing the creepy expressions that don't look like Dave now."

Dave went tense. "Stop him." He struggled to his feet, stumbling with even one step. "Guys, fucking _stop him_!" he yelled at the highest volume Jade had ever heard from him.

John just looked confused but Rose shot a bolt of magic at Daveglitch without a second's hesitation. He dodged backwards, reaching into his sylladex.

Jade's bloodpusher skipped a beat at the sight of his timetables. Even though she knew it was pointless, she still tried to get a lock on them, to teleport them away from his grasp, but his fingers already scratched at the surface of the devices.

In a flash of red light, Daveglitch disappeared.

Everyone fell silent, not even moving as the implications of Daveglitch's action sank in: He was loose in Alternia's past. Worse, at least for the time being, there wasn't anything they could do to find and stop him.

Rose and John lowered their weapons and exchanged tired expressions.

Dave slumped against Jade. "Well. Fuck."

* * *

"We should have seen this coming." Jade was the first to speak since they'd relocated to Rose's hive.

Rose had always kept a block sealed off from water in case a land dweller visited, but well over half her hive was inhabitable to them after it had been built up so high in Sgrub. They stayed on the closest to a "ground floor" as existed in a hive built underwater, making themselves comfortable on the floor most even with the ocean surface.

Rose sat with John and they leaned against each other, grasping hands tightly. She wasn't sure if she was seeking comfort from him or the other way around. Both, probably. Jade and Dave sat across from them. Dave was curled up against Jade's side and she kept an arm wrapped around him -- he was doing exceedingly better compared to whatever spongeache plagued him back on the meteor, but he still winced on occasion.

"Yeah, no shit we shoulda predicted this." Dave buried his face against Jade's shoulder. "What kind of psychopath _wouldn't_ use time traveling for evil?"

"Well, yes, there's that, but... I mean..." Jade papped the back of his head, staring up in thought. "We all met him before. John's 'ghost,' remember?"

They were all silent until Dave said, "Shit." He groaned and facepalmed. "Oh my god, that asshole who broke into my hive before the stupid game... That's why my lusus didn't even notice it. Idiot thought it was _me_."

Rose rested a hand over her mouth to hide a gasp as a memory from past weeks jolted loose. "An intruder cut off my Internet when I was acting as John's server player. His lusus died as a result."

"He killed Bec," Jade said, playing with Dave's hair so casually it was as if she was talking about her weekend plans. "The first time, I mean, when I got to turn him into a sprite afterwards."

"He killed Bec the second time, too, Jade," Dave muttered.

"I just don't get it!" John said, leaning his head back and holding both hands over his forehead. "I thought he was supposed to lose most of his powers once we got him here. Were we wrong? Can a glitch just make a new home in a non-digital world?"

"Time loops, dude." Dave sighed. "Fucker gets here and the atmosphere is already suited to his needs, because he carefully made it that way in Alternia's past sometime in his future. Basically, our entire fucking universe has been infected with his glitchiness since the start of time, making it inhabitable for him in our present." He shrugged. "And on the one hand, this is totally our damn fault. On the other, we never had a chance of overcoming a time paradox, so we were basically destined to fucking fail."

"So he was always here?" John said with a cringe. "What the hell do we do with that? We can't even find him!"

Rose frowned. "Actually..." She almost didn't want to say it aloud, but more pieces were falling into place and it would be foolish to ignore them. "I think I know where he is."

John straightened, eyes widening in excitement. "Your Seer powers coming through again?"

She shook her head. "My lusus warned me about something once. I didn't understand it at the time, but I think she was trying to warn me about Daveglitch as best she could. He really has been guiding our planet's history this whole damn time."

"Beyond just making the atmosphere inhabitable to a game glitch?" John asked.

"If my suspicions are correct, he's controlled every single empress to have lived. He's quietly infected entire galaxies with our species' help, all under the guise of expanding the troll empire. He would have controlled me if I'd confronted my ancestor for the right to rule."

"Does that mean he's with the current empress right now?" Jade said.

"Maybe." Rose furrowed her brow. "It _is_ a time traveler we're dealing with, so we can't be certain the one overseeing my ancestor will be his latest incarnation, but it's a starting place anyway."

"Starting place to what? We don't even know if the humans are still alive," Dave muttered. Before anyone could find an answer to that, he glanced at a window. "Sun's almost up."

Rose sighed. "We should probably see if my gates still connect to your hives so you can all get some proper rest for once."

"Um..." John rubbed the back of his neck. "You kinda threw my recuperacoon away."

"Oh!" Jade gasped. "Oh no! John, you got rid of mine too!"

Dave snorted. "I don't think any of us have a right to bitch, Harley."

Her cheeks flushed green and she laughed nervously. "Oh... Yeah, I guess... not."

John's shoulders sagged. "Oh man, I don't wanna mess with the alchemiter this late. Did anyone have the code for theirs saved?"

"Why the hell would anyone-" Dave began, but Jade perked up and ran out of the block, towards Rose's alchemiter, without a word. "Um. Maybe never mind?"

Jade scrambled back into the block and decaptchalogued a small mountain of plushies onto the floor. She pushed them a little closer together before putting her hands on her hips to examine her handywork. She nodded with a smile.

"Okay, someone's a little sleep deprived." Dave caught her by the shoulders as if to steer her away, but she ducked out of his grip and flopped onto the pile.

"They're the closest I could alchemize to a cocoon! C'mon, sleepover, sleepover!" She beckoned at them. "I've never spent the day with other trolls. Please? Let's not split up right now."

John shuffled his feet. "We're gonna have nightmares."

Rose shrugged and shot a spell at the windows to block light before lying next to Jade. The plushies were surprisingly uncomfortable, full of small plastic eyes and stuffing too soft to support weight, but it was a step up from the floor. "If you go home and can't manage to alchemize a proper sleeping device, you're going to have nightmares anyway and you'll have them alone." She pulled Jade into her lap and Jade curled up, resting her head on Rose's chest. Rose patted the empty spots on either side of her and shot both boys a stare.

With one last fidget, John lay next to Rose and snuggled into the crook of her right arm.

Dave sighed. "One troll cuddlepile, comin' up." He flopped into the pile on Rose's left side, but he didn't curl in close until Jade wrapped an arm around his waist. Papping him all the way, Jade pulled him into Rose's free arm.

Rose narrowed her eyes. "Take the shades off, Strider."

"Fuck off."

"I'm not for one second believing that you sleep with those things."

"Only because I don't want the damn sopor slime on them. There's no slime, they stay on."

" _Daaaave_!" John and Jade said in unison.

"You guys are the biggest fucking wigglers, I hope you goddamn know that," Dave said. "Don't know how you're not in the caverns still, since you clearly never even pupated." He removed his shades and captchalogued them all the same.

John grinned and wrapped his arms around the three of them as best he could.

Rose didn't actually expect to get much sleep. She'd never had many nightmares in the past, which she suspected was related to her high position on the hemospectrum, and that was all the more reason to keep her dozing light for the sake of the other three.

Not long after they'd slipped into sleep, John let out a frightened whimper. Rose ran her hand through his hair and let out a quiet shoosh. The other two stirred at the sound, but if it woke them they were back to sleep within seconds. John sighed but relaxed at Rose's touch, slipping back to sleep in moments.

To absolutely no surprise to Rose, it was Dave who made the worst ruckus in his sleep. He thrashed and let out a muffled shriek, only waking enough to calm down once all three of them covered him in paps. His utterly mortified expression was almost amusing, but just once Rose swallowed her teasing and replaced it with a sincere shoosh.

The only one who threw Rose off was Jade. Rose assumed Jade would be less likely to suffer from nightmares in the first place, but more significantly she couldn't imagine that Jade would reveal such distress. Whatever Jade did to keep her negative emotions in check mustn't have carried over in her sleep, as she let out a quiet whine.

Rose papped her, hoping she'd be as easy to calm as John was. She stiffened when Jade's whimpers turned into words.

"Bec. _Bec_..."

Before Rose could let out a single shoosh, Dave had moved over and wrapped his arms around Jade, papping her back. "Shhh... It's okay, Jade," he said in the softest tone Rose had ever heard leave his mouth. "It's okay."

Jade cracked her eyes open. "D-Dave? Where's..."

"He's not coming. I'm sorry."

John let out a muffled whimper and curled in closer against all three of them. Rose held them tight. She had no doubt all of their minds were occupied with fresh thoughts of their lusii.

"D-don't worry about me. I'm fine now," Jade said and gave Dave a light push, but he clung to her.

"Jade Harley, don't lie to your goddamn palebro."

She remained silent for a moment but Dave's stubborn papping eventually won out. "He was always there," she whispered. "Whenever I fell asleep outside of my 'coon and I wasn't on Prospit, he was always there to wake me before the nightmares got too bad."

Dave squeezed her. "Sorry we're a poor substitute."

She laughed quietly and returned the hug. "I love you too, dummy."

As the two lowbloods slipped back into sleep, curled tight against each other, they slid away from Rose and John so that they only lay next to them -- still touching Rose's side -- instead of cuddling up against them. It was probably more comfortable like that anyway.

Rose closed her eyes in the hope it was safe to risk drifting off, but she'd misread John's stillness as sleep. She jumped when he spoke.

"We'll avenge Bec," he said, voice quiet but firm.

"Oh?" She yawned and stroked his hair.

He nodded. "All our lususes. We're gonna find Karkat and Kanaya and Terezi too, and they'll help us avenge their friends and lususes too."

When he put it like that, it almost seemed simple. She pressed her forehead against his and he nuzzled against her in return. "Yeah," she said with a smile. "We will."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of Act 2.
> 
> (I s2g though, Act 3 had better not be as long as Act 2 was.)


	33. Intermission 2

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TG: i k%n0w tHis mimiG^ht c(Aaus3 @ PAR/AD0X bUt r*ght n0wW i d0~nt gi/ve a fuc>K y0u g0TtTta h3lp 0h sh1itsHiTsHIT$HIT   
TT: Excuse me?   
TG: excuse you   
TT: I don't converse with trolls whose typing quirk includes too much "leetspeak," as they call it.   
TG: good for you   
TG: i sometimes eat cotton candy for breakfast   
TG: your turn   
TT: Turn to what?   
TG: share a randomass personal fact with a stranger   
TG: thats what were doing right   
TT: Is that what you contacted me for?   
TG: i didnt contact you   
TG: you excused me last i checked here let me scroll up   
TG: yep still there   
TT: Odd, considering when I scroll up I find a near-illegible scrawl of leetspeak supposedly addressed from you.   
TG: the fuck   
TT: Am I correct in presuming that you did not, in fact, send me a message that ends in, and I quote, "sh1itsHiTsHIT$HIT"?   
TG: hell no   
TG: i wouldnt leetspeak if my life depended on it   
TG: if the gods of irony smashed through my door and told me to leetspeak or face the consequences   
TG: id say bring it on i know false idols when i see them   
TG: leetspeak is blasphemy even for the most ironic badasses   
TT: I see. In that case, I apologize for taking up your time.   
TG: nah its cool youre cool   
TT: Indeed.   
TT: Before I go, do you mind if I inquire about your text? It's piqued my interest.   
TG: its called going anonymous   
TG: who are you to talk   
TG: dressing your text up like some kind of sea dweller   
TT: Hmm, yes, I wonder what kind of troll would do that.   
TG: oh   
TG: oh shit   
TG: youre a sea dweller   
TT: Have I made you nervous?   
TG: nah its fine   
TG: im cool   
TG: its cool   
TG: striders dont get nervous   
TT: So your name is Strider?   
TG: fuck   
TG: no   
TG: maybe   
TT: I am not going to order you culled for being rude, you know.   
TT: Have you had some traumatic experience with highbloods in the past, to inspire such paranoia in my mere presence?   
TG: have you ever even met a highblood   
TG: oh wait theyre nice to you   
TT: I can't say they have ever been rude to me, but that does not make me unaware of how two-faced they become as soon as someone of lower status catches their eye.   
TG: try going anonymous sometime   
TG: its fun   
TG: especially the death threats   
TT: Yes, delightful, no doubt.   
TT: My name is Rose Lalonde. If you ever feel legitimately threatened by an arrogant highblood, please feel free to contact me again. I will sort them out, I guarantee it.   
TG: i dont need your help   
TT: Hopefully not.   
TT: All the same, I would not mind keeping in contact. I do not have much opportunity to converse with trolls below indigo.   
TG: do what you want   
TG: youre the highblood   
TT: Strider, I am not using my authority over you. I am asking: May we be chums?   
TG: i guess   
TG: i mean why not   
TT: Splendid.   
TT: I'm afraid I must depart for the time being. My lusus gets testy when she is hungry and I do not wish to inadvertently cause the extinction of our race by letting her wait.   
TT: Farewell.   
TG: oh my god what

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

* * *

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--

TG: k*ilL m3   
GG: what????   
TG: what   
GG: why would I do that!   
TG: do what   
GG: you just told me to kill you!!   
TG: why would anyone do that   
GG: i dont know! thats why i am asking YOU!   
TG: i didnt send shit   
TG: ive never even seen your username before   
GG: wait....   
GG: are you dave??   
TG: the one and only   
TG: why   
TG: are you a sbahj fan or something   
GG: umm   
GG: yes lets go with that!! :)   
TG: k   
TG: youre kinda creepy   
GG: :(   
TG: no hard feelings or anything   
TG: i dont get many fans who start the conversation by claiming i want them to kill me   
TG: thats pretty original ill give you that   
GG: but you told me that! :(   
TG: yeah maybe my accounts hacked   
TG: ill change the password   
GG: yes you should probably do that!   
GG: im jade by the way!   
TG: did you really name yourself after your blood color   
GG: noooo   
GG: im a limeblood!   
TG: for serious?   
TG: i thought you guys were extinct   
GG: nope!! :D   
TG: thats pretty cool   
GG: heheh   
GG: well ive got to go look after my lusus! but i cant wait to talk to you more! :)   
GG: bye dave!!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

* * *

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] \--

TG: iM s0 sSs0rry   
GT: for what?   
TG: what   
GT: what are you sorry for?   
TG: i have nothing to be sorry for i am fucking perfect   
GT: then why did you send me a message that said "sorry"?   
GT: wait, no, actually...   
GT: "sSs0rry"   
TG: god   
TG: fucking   
TG: dammit   
TG: i am going to tear the face off of whoever the fuck stole my password   
TG: and feed it to my lusus   
TG: then take my lususs crap and throw it in the bloody remains of the hackers head   
GT: you were hacked?   
TG: apparent fucking ly   
GT: heheh, that sucks.   
GT: maybe your password is really weak!   
TG: bullshit   
TG: its got caps and numbers and all that crap   
TG: its the only time my shift button is ever used   
TG: some asshole hacker who thinks hes an invincible badass must have a bone to pick with me   
TG: not like i dont piss people off every other hour   
GT: yikes. i am working on a program that tracks people over the internet. it mostly just blows things up right now, but i'll let you borrow it when it's finished if you want!   
TG: nah im good ill figure it out   
GT: okay. if you ever change your mind!   
GT: oh, i'm john egbert.   
TG: ok   
GT: ummm...   
GT: so what's your name?   
TG: does it matter   
GT: nope, i can just call you dork von dummy, that's fine.   
TG: whatever   
TG: dave strider   
GT: hi, dave!   
TG: are you going to run off to deal with your lusus now too   
GT: umm, no?   
GT: my lusus can take pretty good care of himself.   
GT: why?   
TG: no big deal   
TG: youre just the third person to contact me out of the blue and decide i need a new friend   
TG: i mean i guess it makes sense   
TG: everyone wants a piece of the strider theres no point denying it   
TG: you think you can live without me but then you get one little whiff of my candy font   
TG: and suddenly your every thought is strider   
TG: youre just trying to decide what to have for dinner   
TG: but its no good   
TG: your think pan is stuck on none other than   
GT: who are the other two people who contacted you?   
TG: dude dont interrupt me   
GT: oops. i thought you were done.   
TG: how the hell did you think i was done   
TG: that was the middle of a sentence   
GT: well... you kinda talk weird, so...   
TG: i talk like a badass   
GT: suuuure.   
TG: what the fuck   
GT: what?   
TG: uh you ever use the memo feature on this thing   
GT: nope.   
TG: yeah me neither   
TG: this girl i just met wants me to invite you to her memo though   
TG: her names jade do you know each other or something   
GT: i don't even know any jadebloods.   
TG: shes   
TG: nevermind thats her business   
TG: anyway i guess   
TG: if you want to join this thing   
TG: go for it?

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] invited ghostyTrickster [GT] to memo "dreamers get to know each other!! :D" --

GT: haha, what kind of weird title is that?   
TG: i dunno ask her   
TG: see you there i guess   
GT: sure! sounds fun!

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--


	34. Act 3.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My beta reader hasn't gotten back to me on this chapter yet, but I'm posting it anyway because it's been a week since the last update and I don't want to wait longer. Fair warning that I might tweak this one later.

Rose woke to warm breath against her neck and a piece of plastic digging into her side. She shifted off of the offending plush toy in the pile beneath her before she could even remember why she'd fallen asleep out of water. John was cuddled up against her, resting his head on her shoulder, and she froze for fear her movement had disturbed him, but his eyes stayed closed.

Jade had flopped almost all the way off the pile in her sleep, with her arms stretched out. Dave clung to her, his face buried against her shirt. She rolled to her side, only getting so far with Dave stubbornly holding on. Otherwise neither of them stirred more than to twitch in their sleep.

Rose smiled and wrapped an arm around John. There was no reason to wake them early when the sun had barely even set and none of them were currently plagued by nightmares.

She stared at the unfamiliar ceiling that had been built in-game. Normally when she woke at the crack of dusk, she was treated to a symphony of splashes from aquatic lusii and squawking of seagulls. On nights when Gl'bgolyb grew hungry early, she'd hear the lightest psychic whisper calling to her. The only ambient sounds that evening were the crashes of ocean waves and John's steady breathing.

She closed her eyes but had no intention to sleep again in case any of the other three needed calmed from a nightmare. The silence was almost a relief, in a way. Certainly it was a weight off her nubs that she no longer had to meticulously feed her lusus or risk killing off her entire species. It was a rather hollow freedom, when a decent portion of the species had already been wiped out by meteors.

A loud thud on the floor above them woke John with a start. Rose tensed as well. Unless Dave had planted an unstable object upstairs without telling her when he acted as her server player, there shouldn't have been anything up there to make such a racket.

John sat up, blinking frantically as he turned his head this way and that. "Wh... what was... Where the hell..."

"My hive." She papped his shoulder before climbing off the pile. "I'll go check what that sound is."

He floated into the air, already alert. "I can come with!"

"Stay with the other two," Rose said. Already Jade was stirring, probably just another loud noise away from waking. "If anything goes wrong, wake them and run."

She left for the stairs before John could argue and equipped her weapons just to be safe. She couldn't sense danger, but she rather preferred to be safe than sorry when relying on her aspect for the first time outside of the Medium.

She heard some scuffling and light thuds that could have been footsteps as she reached the next floor. She kept her own approach quiet as she turned into the block.

She lowered her weapons. One of her Gates glowed near the ceiling and a human stood beneath it, dusting herself off and examining the block with narrowed eyes. Her hand gripped a tube of lipstick.

"Kanaya?" Rose said softly.

Kanaya jumped and spun towards her, growing tense as she caught sight of Rose. "Are you one of the trolls?" she said, her voice deeper than Rose had expected to hear, considering her young age.

Rose took a cautious step closer and held her arms open to give Kanaya space to study her. "Am I not what you expected?"

Kanaya frowned. "I... I can't say 'gray aliens' didn't cross my mind, but I got most of the details completely wrong." She slipped her lipstick back into her inventory. "Rose?" she said.

"I've spoken one and a half sentences and you can already recognize my syntax?" Rose said with a smile.

"Well, I assumed you were probably one of the girls, and you didn't strike me as particularly Jade-like." Kanaya's shoulders relaxed. "Is she here as well?"

"She's waiting for us downstairs with the other two." Rose held an arm towards the stairs and nodded for Kanaya to descend in front of her. "We weren't actually expecting visitors at this exact moment."

Kanaya frowned, glancing over her shoulder as she took the first couple steps. "Did I catch you at a bad time?"

"I assure you, your timing could have been far worse than waking us in the early evening," Rose said, repressing a shudder at the thought of what could have happened if any of the humans had arrived when they were fighting Daveglitch on the trip to the Beat Mesa.

"That's a fucking lie." Dave's voice trailed up to them. "There is no worse crime than waking someone in the early evening. Also, who the hell are you talking to, Lalonde?"

Rose didn't bother answering until they reached the bottom of the stairs. The other three were up and about and Dave had his shades back on already. John yawned and Jade was rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. Jade gasped and beamed at the sight of Kanaya while the other two were slower to show reaction.

Rose hopped down the last two stairs and slipped in front of Kanaya in order to properly introduce her with a flourish of her hand. "For once I bear good news. Sollux did his job correctly."

"Whoa!" John gaped at Kanaya. "How did you get here?"

"Well," Kanaya said, brow furrowing, "Sollux said he was programming the teleporter to lock onto Rose somehow, then I fell through the Gate upstairs, and that's really all I know about the matter."

"Does that mean the other humans are at our hives?"

"If the teleporter connected to our Gates when they used our Trollian handles for destination info, then yes, it's quite possible that they got sent to our hives!" Jade said, nodding emphatically. "I'm pretty sure I saw Sollux map Karkat's destination with you, John, so you should probably check your hive for him."

Dave glanced up. "Terezi gonna be at my place?"

"Most likely!"

"Cool." Dave headed for the stairs. "Be back later."

"Be careful!" Jade said. "We don't know what to expect from the Gates when they're outside of the game!"

Dave glanced over his shoulder. "Lalonde, am I about to get electrocuted or something?"

Rose frowned, trying to See if that path led to any dire consequences. She sensed nothing foreboding. "There shouldn't be a problem."

"Good enough for me, then," Dave said, disappearing from sight a second later as he headed for the Gates.

John was practically bouncing from obvious impatience. "Um, am I needed for anything? Can I go see Karkat?"

Rose rolled her eyes but smiled at him. "John, there's nothing alive on this planet to pose as a threat. We'll be fine."

John beamed. "Thanks, Rose!" He shot out the window before flying upwards, taking the outside route to the Gates rather than the stairs.

"I'll go to my hive too, just in case I misread and that's where Sollux sent Karkat!" Jade said, already heading after the other two. She grinned back at Rose. "Besides, it'll give you a chance to show Kanaya around."

Rose frowned. "I don't really see why I'd need to be alone to..." she began, but Jade was probably out of earshot. "Never mind then." She turned to Kanaya and cleared her throat. It wouldn't hurt to follow Jade's advice, at any rate. "Are you all right? Do you need anything?"

Kanaya started. "No, I'm fine," she said quickly, snapping her gaze from examining the block to Rose. She stared a long moment, her eyes wide in wonder. "You're the only one with gills. Are you aquatic?"

"Well, I can't give you the proper tour, but most of my hive _is_ underwater if you'd like to see." Rose led Kanaya out of the hive, to the small balcony Dave had built that had become more of a porch given its new proximity to the ocean surface.

Kanaya walked to the very edge of the balcony, not even bothering to peek down into the depths of the water to see the rest of Rose's hive but staring out at the ocean instead. "So this is your home?" she said quietly. "Land of Light and Rain, right?"

Rose crossed her arms and glanced away. "We've... broken out of the game, actually."

"We're on the troll home planet?" Kanaya said with a gasp.

"What's left of it."

Kanaya was silent a long moment. "It's nice." She nodded at the sky. "I like your moon. Ours is just white."

Rose managed a smile. "Thank you, I'll gladly take credit for the purple. It matches my blood well, doesn't it?" She sat at the edge of the balcony and Kanaya sat beside her. If Rose stretched, she could just dip her toes in the water. "If I'm being honest, though," she said quietly, "the only planet I've influenced to such a degree is Alternia, after the pummeling it took from Skaia's meteors."

Kanaya shifted, frowning deeply. "Your species is dead too, then."

"Not yet. Probably in the near future. So far as I'm aware, there are no off-world mothergrubs to continue the population, but in the meantime, there are many adult trolls off-planet." Rose sighed and let her shoulders slump. "We have a rather different goal ahead of us than previously assumed. The glitch has already infected our world."

"Will that pose any worse difficulty than before?"

"In a way." Rose worried her lip. "Kanaya, the glitch killed your universe. I'm afraid ours is next and I'm not sure how to stop it."

Kanaya winced. "Well..." She hesitated, sighed, then relaxed. "I've just crossed universes and landed on an alien planet, so I am feeling optimistic about our capabilities right now." She smiled at Rose. "I'm sure you'll find a way."

Rose hoped the heat in her cheeks wasn't visible. "I'll work on it," she said and was glad when Kanaya leaned against her.

* * *

John tried not to be nervous as he flew through his Gate, but he tensed all the same. For all they knew it might send him right back into the Medium or somewhere even more dangerous. His fears were soothed as he came out the other side in one piece.

He wasn't actually sure where the hell he was, though. His hive was there at least, but he didn't know why it had been transplanted away from his neighborhood and replaced in some desolate wasteland covered in craters... Oh. Oh, wow. It really was his neighborhood. All the lawnrings and hives were just smashed into dust.

His neighbors were all dead, then. That kind of sucked. He was gonna miss the indigoblood who used to live across from him. Poor asshole.

Oh well, he had to find Karkat still. Living people were way more important than being sad over dead people.

He shot around his hive, flying out the window of one floor and dipping down to enter the next floor below so he could comb it. He finally caught sight of a figure on one of the lower floors.

Karkat had his head down and took each step cautiously as he examined his surroundings. John dropped to his feet with a thud so he could run over and greet him, but Karkat spun around at the sound and equipped his sickles. His entire body went stiff and his eyes widened as he caught sight of John, but John didn't have time to ask what was wrong before Karkat lunged at him, blades going for the throat.

John ducked back and threw a blast of wind at Karkat, slamming him against the wall hard enough that his breath caught. Before Karkat could recover, John grabbed his wrists, trying to find the right amount of pressure between "don't let Karkat attack again" and "don't break his bones." Human skin was so soft, it made John worry that his insides were just as fragile.

Karkat wrenched against John's grip. "Let go!" he shouted. "Humans are scientifically proven to taste awful! I'll poison you! My ghost will shit on you while you sleep!"

John tried to get a word in, to reassure his alien friend that he was safe, but he couldn't stop snickering -- not even half a minute in and already Karkat was pitching a fit because he couldn't recognize him. When Karkat's threats became more elaborate, John broke into laughter.

Karkat's face scrunched up in a ridiculous mixture of terror and fury. "Laugh at me for _one more second_ and I'll bite your damn nose off!"

"It's _me_ , you stupid asshole!" John managed between laughs.

Karkat froze. He narrowed his eyes but still kept a defensive stance. "John?"

John calmed his laughter and just smiled. "Hi, Karkat."

For a short moment, Karkat looked lost, only for the anger to return without any fear to hold it down. "Cocksucking son of a _bitch_ , you said you weren't a fucking gray alien!" he snarled. "And let _go_ already!"

"You're not gonna attack me again?"

"If I did, you would fucking deserve it!"

John laughed again. "Yeah, that's true," he said and released his grip.

Karkat punched him in the shoulder.

"Ow!" John said, still snickering. "Hey to you too."

"Don't you 'hey' me, you lying little sack of puked up cake! Here I was steeling myself to come face-to-face with some kind of giant centipede, like, holy shit, how are we even supposed to relate to each other or read facial cues? What if I have to get an eight hundred armed hug from a bug? Am I really going to be able to overcome the human disgust towards insects for the sake of an online asshole who saved my life, or am I a pathetic failure of a friend in every possible form? And _then_ guess who was secretly humanoid this _whole damn time_ and I stressed myself up over _nothing_ when I already have six thousand other worries to freak out over?"

John couldn't stop grinning. Holy shit, Karkat was just as wordy and vulgar in person. That was great. "Technically," John said, "since we existed first, I'm not humanoid at all! _You're_ just trolloid."

Karkat's lip curled. "Oh my god, you're just as much of an annoying little shit in meatspace as you were on Pesterchum. This is amazing, by which I mean horrifying."

"And you're just as loud as your caps lock implied!"

Karkat straightened himself up. "You're damn right I am!" He turned away. "And I'm still thinking about what you said, okay, so don't you dare even think about rushing me."

John tilted his head. "What thing I said?"

"Don't play dumb with me. I just..." Karkat ran his fingers through his bangs. "Wow, I need to look at it from another angle now. When you said you liked me in a troll way, you had me thinking you were some giant gross monster, not cute and mostly normal-looking." He glowered at John. "I wasn't expecting an alien that might actually be physically compatible, okay?"

John narrowed his eyes. "Did you just call me cute?"

Karkat froze and his face lit up. "I-I d-d-did _not_ , where the _hell_ did you hear that bullshit, i-it's not..."

John sidled closer, giving him a nudge. "It's okay. I think you're pretty cute too."

"I fucking knew that!" Karkat said. "Why the hell else would you hit on me when you barely knew a damn thing about me?"

"Yeah," John shrugged, "but now I do know you and I still think you're cute."

Karkat rolled his eyes. "You're fucking nuts."

"What, because I find you attractive?"

"You think the asshole who yells at you and calls you names and punched you is cute!" Karkat yelled. "Are you brainless or just a masochist? Or both, you kinky idiot!"

John snickered. "Dude, that shit's just funny. I know you don't mean it."

Karkat faltered, his mouth hanging open. He snapped it shut and crossed his arms, glancing away. "Jesus, maybe it would actually work okay," he mumbled.

John's bloodpusher jumped. "Really? I mean..." He hesitated. "Wait, are we still on the same topic?"

Karkat groaned and rolled his head back. "It's probably all the shock and trauma talking and I'm going to call myself the stupidest motherfucker in all of paradox space when I snap out of it in an hour..." He frowned and his voice faltered to an almost quiet volume. "But I would not be against giving a weirdass interspecies relationship a shot on the off-chance it might actually last longer than a week."

John furrowed his brow. "Okay, I _think_ that was Karkat-ese for 'we're dating,' but it would be kind of nice to get a translation. Are we dating?"

Karkat sighed loudly. "Since your brain is apparently too slow to comprehend words longer than two syllables, I will make this easy for you and produce an answer that is only a _single word_ , Egbert: yes."

John wasn't sure he'd ever grinned so wide before. He wanted to act on his excitement somehow, but he didn't actually know what they were supposed to do from there. He'd never had a matesprit before. "Can I hold your hand?" he asked. That seemed an innocent enough request that shouldn't get him in trouble.

"Oh my god, five minutes in and you're already a clingy little pissant." Karkat reached over and snapped up John's nearest hand, squeezing it aggressively tight. "There! Are you happy? Just drop it as soon as we're not alone, got it? We're not going to get all PDA on our teammates' asses!"

John squeezed back, relishing Karkat's soft, warm, alien skin. "I know, I know, duty over quadrants."

Karkat nodded, staring at their hands and keeping silent for once. John leaned a shoulder against Karkat's, pressing more and more of his weight against him until Karkat leaned back. John laughed and his bloodpusher did a somersault when Karkat's lips twitched into a small smile.

* * *

Well that was sure an entire fucking city leveled to the ground. It was a surreal as shit sight, but Dave found it hard to give a fuck beyond that. As far as he was concerned, the entire troll population was just a papercut away from forming a mutant-maiming mob. If they were dead, why should he care beyond the sudden dip in SBAHJ viewership?

He wrenched his gaze away from the window. He still had a couple more Gates left to check and he made his way to the lower levels, careful of the stairs Jade had built. It wasn't until he reached his first Gate that he found any sign of life. Terezi tapped her cane along the floor, exploring it thoroughly before she took each step.

He hadn't uttered a single syllable, but she whirled on him at the sound of his footsteps, her cane ready to strike. "Who's there?" she said, her voice light yet a touch rough around the edges.

"Hey to you too," he said flatly, not moving an inch. "What fancyass greetings you humans have."

She hesitated, lowering her weapon. "You sound male. I'm guessing you're either Dave or John." She tilted her head. "Though I guess I don't know what a male troll sounds like for sure. You're a boy, right?"

"Man, I'm totally a girl and I am so utterly offended that you'd infer otherwise, Pyrope." He shook his head. "This is the worst case of cultural insensitivity I've ever seen. You've just stomped on all the troll taboos, every single one. Wigglers are crying in horror while their lusus herd them safely away from the rudeass alien."

She grinned. "No way am I buying that your entire species is as good at spouting B.S. as you are, Strider."

"Well, I can't argue that." He shrugged. "I mean, I could. We've already established that hoofbeast manure is my forte here. But frankly, we'd be here all night if I unleashed my full powers."

"Are you still keeping your glitched alternate self under control?" she asked, staring a good ten inches to his left and tilting her ear towards him.

"Nah, he got away and fucked up our entire universe. Plus side is, that actually means we've sidestepped any immediate danger for now." He stuck his hands in his pockets and stared up at the Gate. "I mean, we should probably get back to others soon, but there ain't a hurry."

Terezi tapped the tip of her cane as far as it would reach. "So where am I right now exactly?"

"My hive. The girls fucked shit up and broke us out of the game."

"This is your home? What's it look like?"

"Uh..." He glanced around. It wasn't like he kept the place in great shape on a good night, but it looked like a storm had hit it, if the storm was named Jade Harley: Server Player. "I dunno, like a normal goddamn hive. I got walls, floor, ceiling... Ablution block's downstairs next to the respite block if you've gotta piss. I used to have a recuperacoon there somewhere 'til Jade tossed it the fuck out the window."

Terezi snorted. "God, coolkid, you sound boring."

"Maybe this brand of awesome is too much to squeeze into your limited human vocabulary." Dave frowned. "There ain't words that can describe how sweet the posters decorating my walls are, or what a badass gaming set up I've got going. Hell, even my load gaper is too cool for words."

"All right, I get it, you douche. You're lazy and incompetent at describing things. Let me get a look at you at least, okay?" She reached for him, slowly enough he could dodge if he wanted, but without any hesitation either. The tips of her fingers traced the edge of his face. Her skin was soft, not at all like a troll's rough hands. "You're really warm for a coolkid."

"That was terrible. I'm revoking your coolness license for that pun alone."

She laughed. "But you are!" Her hands moved inward, running over his cheeks until she reached his lips and nose. She hummed to herself as she studied his features with her fingertips. "Your face is almost human."

"We did create you," he said. She kept her hands steady even as his jaw moved. "Stands to reason that we'd be at least a bit similar."

She nodded and looked caught off-guard for the first time as her fingers bumped into his shades. She ran over the edges -- he was ready to swipe them off at the first sign that she might smudge the glass -- then slipped her fingers beneath them. He closed his eyes as her thumbs glanced over his eyelids. Her hands retreated from his shades and traveled to his forehead, then shot up into his hair the instant his bangs brushed against her.

She ran her fingers through his hair almost as if she was petting him. "You have hair!" she said with delight.

"Of course I have hair."

She caught a handful and rubbed it between her fingers. "What color is it?"

"Troll hair only comes in black."

She snickered. "Here I was imagining you as blond."

"What's blond?"

She furrowed her brow. She'd found his horns and her fingers fumbled around the bases. "It's a really light shade, kind of a yellowish white like bananas. Feferi had blond hair."

He didn't remember her by name, but the description provided enough detail that he thought he knew which one was Feferi. "Oh hell no. Even my body doesn't hate me enough to curse me with white hair."

She grinned as each of her hands followed his horns from tip to base and back to tip again before she settled in the middle. She cupped her hands around them and rubbed. "Are these horns?"

The back of his neck prickled at the sensation, at the instinctual fear released when anyone grabbed him in such a vulnerable area, but she didn't mean any harm. She probably didn't even realize how defenseless he'd be if she wanted to throw him. "I didn't tell you about the candy corn horns?"

"No!" Her eyes went wide from behind her glasses, staring at his chin. "Are they made of candy corn?"

"Nah, they just have similar colors. They come in like a billion shapes and sizes, but every troll has a pair."

She stuck her tongue out and waggled her eyebrows. "Do they taste like candy corn too?"

"Are you threatening to lick me?"

"Maybe." She massaged his horns up and down again, her face covered in fascination.

"Well, you shouldn't, because regardless of what I taste like, I have a hella high calorie count." To his relief, she released him and ran her hands back down his face. "I'm the most unhealthy food group you could possibly ingest. I give indigobloods stomachaches and... ah..."

She slipped her fingers into his mouth mid-word. She ran them over his front teeth, then plunged them further in to feel up his tongue and the inside of his cheek. He wanted to tell her to cut it out, but he couldn't speak without the risk of slicing her with his teeth -- teeth that she started rubbing every inch of, which at least was a step up from trying to find his gag reflex.

"You have fucking fangs?" She prodded the sharp tip of one of his teeth. "That's pretty sweet, coolkid."

He really should have been used to her excited expression by then. "No big," he wanted to say with a nonchalant shrug, but he couldn't talk yet. He set a hand on her head and ruffled her hair instead. Damn, even human hair was softer than he was used to.

She abandoned his mouth to catch his hand and pull it in front of her face almost as if she could see it. She ran her fingers through his and he cringed as he felt his saliva transfer from her skin to his. He almost pulled away, but she got another excited little grin as she found his claws.

He held back a sigh. "You get your fill of inappropriate Strider touching yet?"

She hesitated and dropped his hand. "Little more." She caught the back of his neck and made him lean his head towards her, where she could get a better reach at his horns. She examined them on all sides with both of her hands, switching from palms to fingertips.

"You're fucking obsessed with those things, aren't you?"

"They're so cool." She stood on her tiptoes and rubbed her cheek against one. He couldn't hold back a smile; not like she could see it anyway.

He felt a wet warmth press against a horn. Uh.

"Nope." She pulled back and made a face. "They don't taste like candy at all."

"Oh my god."

"Tastes closer to sand."

"You're disgusting."

She leaned in again. "Maybe I just need a better taste..."

He straightened out of reach. "Nope, Strider groping time is officially over. We should have closed five minutes ago, but the manager let you stay late because you're cute."

She tried to pout, but the effect was ruined by the smirk she failed to hide. "One last look? I was almost done."

He fixed her with a glare, for as much good as it did. "No licking."

She huffed. "Fine." She reached up to fondle his horns again, then leaned forward suddenly, pressing her lips against his. He was startled frozen. She pulled away and murmured with a grin, "Bet you wish you hadn't called licking off-limits now."

He swallowed. "I'll live."

"There's always next time, coolkid."

"Yeah."

She slipped her hand into his so easily that it was hard to believe she couldn't see it. "Maybe you'll let me get a better look at the rest of you someday too."

"If we survive," he squeezed her hand back, "I probably will."

* * *

Jade's hive had always been isolated from other trolls, but it was quite something else for it to suddenly be isolated from trees and flowers and bushes in the wake of Sgrub's destruction. It was such a sad waste. The gardens that hadn't made it into the Medium were so demolished that she could barely even tell where they used to be.

It was a small sacrifice though. She wouldn't let it get her down. Maybe she'd start a new garden someday, after all the game nonsense was done for good and everyone was safe.

She flew to the top of her hive and surveyed the land. Alternia was desolate for as far as she could see. The Reckoning had taken its toll on the planet, but she'd known that was coming for sweeps. She'd seen that in Skaia's clouds: Alternia would die and the survival of the trolls would go with it. So long as her friends survived and they made a new universe, it was worth it, right? (Only the new universe thing hadn't gone so well. There was still time to fix things though, somehow.)

Nothing had actually changed since she grew up on the planet, the glitch had _always_ been there and she just hadn't noticed, but her skin still crawled now that she knew it was infected.

Just how deep did it go? The human's session had shown obvious signs that the glitch had wreaked havoc on it, but she couldn't recall ever discovering similar symptoms on Alternia. Then again, the glitch originated from the human session. Its roots grew there, while Alternia only had a small portion of the glitch trying to mark its territory. It probably didn't have enough power to envelope it in static and graphic glitches quite as drastically.

It was probably a bad sign that their Gates had enough of a digital atmosphere to still work outside of the game though.

She took a deep breath and reached into the depths of Space, searching for the very essence instilled in the air. She should have felt nothing but the countless atoms at the base of everything, but instead it felt as if something pricked her metaphorical hand with a needle. The whole sky crackled with static like lightning, exploding in a bright display before fading back into darkness as soon as she stopped meddling.

She frowned, staring up at the stars. Daveglitch really had infected Alternia to its core so thoroughly that it was all but hidden. He'd probably contaminated more of the universe than she cared to think about, if he had Dave's time travel and the troll empire's fleet at his disposal.

Was it even possible to reverse the damage anymore or would they just have to find a way to safely live in a universe with a glitch embedded in it? Well, they'd already survived six sweeps that way, so all they really needed was make sure it stayed dormant.

She headed inside, taking the long route down the tower of a hive instead of flying. It would give the others more time alone.

The place was still as she'd left it the last time she'd had a chance to visit her hive, before the showdown against the Black Queen. Things had gotten a bit messy during the game, but she knew where to find what she needed: one of her trunks was tucked safely in a corner, left undisturbed throughout Sgrub.

She threw it open and rummaged through it, picking out the journals her ancestor had kept. If Rose wanted to confront the empress in search of Daveglitch, she would probably find the writings of someone from the Sufferer's failed rebellion helpful.

Jade flipped open the newest journal, reviewing the final page her ancestor had written before he was executed alongside his matesprit. He sounded so hopeful, even though he knew that confronting the empress had a high enough risk of not returning that he ought to leave his journals behind or risk highbloods burning them.

She went back a couple of pages and was pleased to find details on how they planned to confront the empress and break through her ship's defenses. She stuck the book into her sylladex and checked the time. It had probably been long enough that she could head back to Rose's hive without interrupting anyone.

As she reached the other side of the Gate, shouts filled the air. She tensed and shot for the sound. Had Daveglitch been waiting for them after all? Only... as she got closer, the shouts sounded... more angry than panicked or hurt, and they were accompanied by a feminine cackle.

The first words she could make out were "-cowardly piece of hypocritical troll shit!"

She flew down the last flight of stairs, ready to reach for a weapon if need be, but she dropped her hands from her specibus as her gaze swept the block.

Karkat was doing all in his power to rush at Dave, arms flailing, but John had his arms wrapped around Karkat's front and his feet firmly planted so they couldn't move. Terezi was laughing so hard that she had to lean against a wall to stay standing. Rose watched the confrontation with a raised eyebrow, as if it was an almost-amusing TV show, while Kanaya stood next to her and facepalmed, muttering something under her breath.

Dave smirked. "Man, you're just jealous of the horns."

Karkat did a very good imitation of a snarl for a human. "You can take your horns and stick them so far up your ass they come out your ears!"

"Oh shit, who told you about my secret masturbation technique?" Dave said, earning an extra howl of laughter from Terezi.

"What _happened_?" Jade said loud enough to catch the attention of everyone caught up in the fray.

John smiled at her nervously from over Karkat's shoulder. "Umm, Karkat's still kind of mad at Dave for the death threat thing!"

"As if it's not perfectly reasonable to be goddamn furious at the asshole who terrorized my friends!" Karkat shouted.

"Relax, Karkat!" Terezi wiped at her eyes, still snickering. "It's your fault for getting up in arms over a guy who's all bark and no bite."

Dave frowned. "What exactly is that supposed to mean?"

Jade stepped between Karkat and Dave. "It meeeeans, hey! Let's get along!" She smiled at them both, receiving an eyeroll from Karkat and a non-response from Dave for her troubles. "We're all friends now, remember? We already have enough things trying to kill us without beating up on each other!"

Karkat crossed his arms and slumped back against John. "Fine, as a special favor for the only jackass around here with any goddamn common sense, I'll save all the throttlings the red text asshole deserves for after we're done kicking glitch ass."

"Uh... I don't want him throttled ever, but we'll work on that!" Jade said.

John loosened his grip on Karkat with a relieved sigh and Karkat shuffled over to Jade, glaring at the floor. He stuck a hand out. "Sorry that's how we had to meet, Harley. You don't deserve to get roped into this bullshit between two dumbasses and it was stupid of the me from two minutes ago to not think of that."

Jade beamed and took his hand, pulling him close enough for a hug. "It's okay now and that's what matters!"

He nodded and retreated back to John, still looking guilty. He jumped when John slid an arm around his shoulders but quickly leaned into it. Jade hadn't been sure how serious things were before, but that was definitely a confirmation that she had been right to let John fetch Karkat on his own, even though she'd been worried about him too.

Judging by how close Rose and Kanaya stood together, she was glad she'd also given them some space. She bounded over. "Hi Kanaya!"

Kanaya relaxed. "Hello, Jade." She was just quick enough to hold her arms open before Jade caught her in a hug. "Thanks for meddling before I had to."

"Mm-hm!" Jade gave her an extra squeeze before releasing her. She didn't really know Terezi, but she ended up sharing a quick hug with her too when she complained about getting left out. She was sure she'd like Terezi soon enough. They shared a quadrantmate, after all!

Karkat still wouldn't look at Dave without curling his lip in disgust, but otherwise uniting with the humans was about the best thing to happen in Sgrub since Jade met her childhood friends ascended on the Battlefield together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter is long. Guess it's suitable to follow up the shortest chapter so far with the longest chapter so far.


	35. Act 3.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pfff, okay, that took longer than I meant. Lots of life stuff going on, plus I'm readjusting to the rather different pacing that comes with this new Act. (Losing chatlogs hurts, y'all. They were my favorite. If I could get away with writing nothing but dialogue, I would so write nothing but dialogue.)

Even before the planet was all but obliterated, there had been no official records of any rebellions on Alternia. They had happened, doubtless, but even Rose was hard pressed to find documentation on them. The empire did all in its power to erase the existence of uprisings and the trolls who led them.

When Jade presented her with a handful of tomes, Rose snatched them up the instant she heard, "These were written by my ancestor! His matesprit led a failed plot to overthrow the empress. I thought you might find them useful!"

Rose pored over the pages for the rest of the night, curled up against Kanaya. She could see the ancestral resemblance to Jade one paragraph in. Jade's ancestor, a male limeblood who went by the adult name of Gadabout, was... quite an enthusiastic and optimistic author. Such a pity, considering his inevitably gruesome fate as a rebel.

She wasn't sure if it was comforting for their own efforts or a sign of exactly why the rebellion failed that Gadabout's group was primarily made up of only three people. There were hundreds of recruits when a mob was needed, but otherwise the movement was comprised of stealthy assassination missions taken on by Gadabout, a telepath named Shepherd, and Signless, the mastermind behind it all.

There was no telling how outdated and relevant their experiences were -- most of the politicians named were so old that they stirred only the faintest memories of history book entries. She read every journal entry to be thorough, but the most potentially helpful information was all contained in the second half of the final book, when the rebellion set its sights on the empress. At that point, the pages were covered in crude sketches of the empress's battleship, details on how a group of three trolls planned to infiltrate the most deadly ship in the troll empire, and the occasional worry that they were about to bite off more than they could chew.

The majority of his writings were less than useful. He'd chronicled suspicions of love triangle-esque shenanigans in his party before the entries took a swerve for the calmer once he settled into a matespritship with Signless. The drama would have been up Rose's alley, normally, if she wasn't desperate for guidance and not in the mood for entertainment. (The lengthy gushings on old movies with titles shorter than fifty words she also could have done without, any night.)

She studied the final entries the most, going over the strategy for breaking onto the empress's battleship until she could almost quote half of it off the top of her head. There was no telling if it had worked, though, considering that's where the journals left hanging after the demise of their author.

A voice broke her out of her reading-induced trance. "Y'know that book's a load of hoofbeast shit, right?"

She glanced up. "Oh?"

Dave stood in the doorway, leaning a shoulder against it. "Yeah, Jade told me about this supposed ancestor of hers way back when we were on LOFAF. Some asshole probably wrote that diary up as a joke and left it for the first sap to find. Of course Jade fell for it, since she trusts everybody."

Rose fixed her most unimpressed stare at him. "Anyone who wrote this amount of detail on political assassinations and government weak points would be culled on the spot, with their horns put on display for an example to others. I can't buy that anyone would risk that for a _joke_." She waved the book at him and smirked. "You know, this Signless person was a mutantblood. I wonder if he was of relation to you?"

He straightened and turned away. "Don't wanna hear it."

She hummed with a nod. "He sounds like quite the badass, by these accounts, so I guess you're probably not related after all."

"If he even existed, he was a dumb bastard who got tortured to death."

"Did he?" Rose asked. She'd wondered about that, but thought it might be too morbid to ask Jade for the details of her ancestor's death. "The book ends on a cliffhanger."

"I don't know and I care even less." He glanced over his shoulder. "Jade just said she did some sleuthing and they got executed in the end, which is pretty impressive for trolls who never existed." He shrugged. "You want to believe in that crap like she does, go wild. Just don't get us killed on a myth, a'right?"

Rose set the book down and frowned at him. "We're not dying, Strider."

He was still for a moment. "Okay then." He left without another word.

* * *

"We have a perigee to work with at the most." Rose made eye contact with all six of the others, one by one. They sat on a variety of furniture, some conventional (John, Karkat, and Kanaya had conjured up a few chairs), some less so (Jade, Terezi, and Dave had settled on a pile of stuffed animals and assorted DVDs). "The empress will be here to investigate as soon as she notices that she's lost communication with Alternia. Given the speed of her ship and the farthest known distance she's traveled, she'll be here in a couple of weeks. Maybe Daveglitch will be prepared for us, maybe he's written us off as a non-threat already, but there's a likelihood that he's situated himself next to the empress."

"We're really going to go anywhere near the fucking _empress_?" John said, eyes wide.

Rose shrugged. "Well, it's that or sit on our asses and dream of being proactive in a safer manner. We won't have a very wide window to board the empress's ship before her backup arrives." She set her gaze on Jade. "We need to disarm any defense mechanisms we might trigger. Jade, is that within your expertise?"

Jade nodded. "Hacking a ship that advanced sounds a bit tough, but I should be able to work something else out!"

"We'll talk the details later, then. I doubt that will even be our biggest obstacle. Aside from Daveglitch, there's only one other troll who travels on that ship: the Luminary, our empress and my ancestor. Not only is she one of the strongest trolls in existence by virtue of her age and fuchsiablooded traits, there's a high likelihood that she's possessed by the glitch. We want to avoid her at all costs."

"Hang on, I don't care how overpowered on pink blood she is." Karkat crossed his arms, slumping forward against the back of the chair he was sitting backwards on. "How the hell does a single troll run an entire fucking battleship? Is this the space equivalent of a canoe we're talking about?"

"I was just getting to that." Rose pursed her lips. "The rest of the ship is manned by drones."

Jade tensed and Dave turned considerably pale while otherwise trying to keep his pokerface steady. Even John fidgeted, while the humans just cocked their heads and furrowed their brows in confusion.

"Okay," Karkat rolled his eyes, "want to fill in the culture shocked stupid aliens on why we should give a shit about spaceship maintenance drones? Anyone?"

"Drones are responsible for culling trolls that, um..." John shifted in his seat, looking uncomfortable. "...don't follow rules."

"They cull virgins and freaks, Egbert," Dave said flatly. "And they're fucking brutal. I don't think the average violetblood even has a goddamn chance of surviving against one."

Rose nodded, holding back a sigh at John's naivete and Dave's lack of tact. "Stealth will be to our best advantage here. While I'm sure we can manage a few drones with our combined power, they may call for more backup than we can handle."

"A'right, so we wait around for the empress to show up, disarm whatever tries to gun us down as we board, dodge a crapton of drones and a goddamn adult highblood, find Daveglitch..." Dave lifted one finger with each point, throwing his hand in the air as he finished. "Then what exactly?"

"Do whatever it takes to stop him, for as overdue as that is."

Dave snorted. "Wow, 'stop him,' that's not vagueass in the slightest."

"We try to kill or imprison him so he can't spread the glitch anymore, Strider." Rose scowled. "Happy?"

John straightened up. "Whoa, hey, we're not killing anyone! Are you nuts? That's like the exact opposite of what we want!"

"I'm sorry, but if comes down to his life or ours? He dies," Rose said. She tried not to feel guilty for keeping her voice firm instead of toning it down to gentler levels, but she wasn't going to risk an argument, even for John's sake. "Karkat, you're the only one who's been confirmed as immune to the glitch. You may be our best chance against it at great risk to yourself. Are you-"

"Fuck that noise, I'll be fine!" Karkat said, his frown deeper than usual. "You want me on the front lines, I'll charge into this screaming like a maniac."

Rose smirked. "Points for attitude." She looked the group over again. "Just so we're all clear on this, we are dealing with a time traveler possessed by an entity that has completely alien motivations. This situation is unpredictable to the point I can only See glimpses of the best path. I'll strategize more detail with each of you, but on the whole, there's only so much we can plan ahead."

Terezi chuckled. "Translation: We wing it."

* * *

"Can I ask you a personal question?" John leaned over the back of Dave and Terezi's pile. They were lying side-by-side with a husktop and a pair of earbuds shared between them, watching some shitty troll movie.

Dave flourished a hand over himself, not even bothering to pause the movie. "Yes, I really am this hot naturally. No, I'm not interested in a 'friends with benefits' scenario with you."

John snorted and walked around the pile to face them properly. "Yeah, dude, I totally want to fuck my best bro."

"Too bad!" Terezi tugged Dave's head down so she could give his horn a slobbery lick. "See? I've already left my mark."

"She has." Dave jerked a thumb at his horn.

"He's got my scent now."

"Totally stink of Pyrope spit over here."

"Even his mother won't take him back. It's my responsibility to keep him all to myself."

"Whatever that means, it's probably true."

John rolled his eyes and let out a huff. "Wow, you two are perfect for each other, 'cos you're officially a couple of idiots."

Terezi pointed in a random direction. "Go to your room and think about what you did!"

"Fuck you, I didn't even get to ask what I came here for!"

Dave capthalogued his husktop. "Fine, ask your overly invasive question, then do as T'z says and go to your block."

"Fine!" John took a deep breath to continue in a faux angry tone, then deflated as he realized he had no idea how to word his question without embarrassing himself. He scratched the back of his head and blushed, frowning at the floor. "Err... How... do you learn to be, uh... good at makeouts and stuff?"

Terezi chuckled and wrapped an arm around Dave's chest. "And how do you figure Dave's any good at _that_?"

Dave nudged her. "I am awesome at that. But sorry, man, either it comes natural or you just gotta prac-" He stopped suddenly, then frowned. "Hang on, we're talking about Vantas, aren't we?"

"Are you expecting me to kiss someone else anytime soon?" John said.

Dave sighed. "John, you're my best bro and I'd die for you and shit, but I ain't giving you advice on how to woo Karkat Bulgecrack Vantas."

"Can you cool it on the hostility towards my matesprit for ten seconds?"

"What?" Dave crossed his arms. "He's an asshole to me."

"He's an asshole to everyone, coolkid." Terezi lifted a hand to play with one of Dave's horns, poking and prodding and running her fingers up and down it. "You're not exactly special there."

"He serves me an extra platter of shit and we all know it."

John groaned. "You kinda provoked him, bro."

"I provoked T'z too and look how that turned out," Dave said.

"Fondled and spit-covered horns?" John narrowed his eyes.

Dave shrugged. "Hey, she likes 'em."

"I do!" She patted both horns. "They are like my victory prize for calling the coolkid on his bullshit instead of getting upset like a chump over his pisspoor attempts at threats."

"See?" Dave tilted his head to be in better reach for Terezi. "I can't argue with that, so you definitely can't, Egbert. She'll just set up a courtroom and prove you wrong anyway, so save yourself the time and declare yourself totally guilty."

Terezi grinned in John's general direction. "Maybe we'll let you off with a warning if you spare us the hassle of finding jurors."

"Bluh, bluh, fine!" John stomped away and called over his shoulder, "You're both secretive fucking pervs!"

Terezi just cackled and pulled Dave over for a rough kiss. John snapped his gaze forward and hurried out of the block before things could get too sloppy. They practically had no damn shame when it came to PDAs, if the past couple of nights had been any indicator, and he wasn't keen on playing audience to a battle of the lingual muscles.

Then again, that kind of behavior was exactly why he'd thought Dave would know the most about how to approach makeouts with a human. In retrospect, it was kind of stupid to get "knowledgeable" mixed up with "not too much of a douche to be helpful." He should have gone to his moirail in the first place. Rose wouldn't tease him about that stuff -- not if he asked her to be nice beforehand, anyway.

He quieted his footsteps as he stepped into her block -- well, they were all technically her blocks, since it was her hive, but specifically the one that she'd claimed as her new non-waterlogged respite block. Rose was settled at a desk, surrounded by journals covered in bookmarks, though at that precise moment she was busy on her husktop. Kanaya lay on a pile of soft snuggleplanes about an arm's length away, her eyes closed and her breathing deep.

He paused and waited for Rose to glance his direction before he dared approach. She shot him a small smile and beckoned him over.

"How's Kanaya?" John asked quietly once he was next to her.

"She's having trouble adjusting to a nocturnal sleep schedule." Her gaze dropped to watch Kanaya. "I'll have to wake her in another hour if she doesn't manage it on her own, but for now I figure we could all use any extra rest we can get."

"Oh." John shifted his weight. "Yeah... Karkat's not sleeping well either."

Rose nodded with a frown. "Kanaya expressed some concern over that, though it sounds as if a lack of sleep is not entirely unusual for him." She straightened. "Is that what's bothering you, or was something else the matter?"

"Er, you can already tell I'm here with an agenda, huh?"

She smirked. "I'd like to think I can read my moirail, yes."

"Is it okay, with her sleeping?"

"So long as we're quiet." She folded her arms and rested them in front of her computer. "She hasn't been prone to waking to any of my typing, at least."

He glanced at the screen, but she'd minimized most of the programs. "What're you doing anyway?"

"Making sure we're not overlooking anything before it's too late to turn back." She moved a finger along the touchpad, pulling up a Trollian chat window. "It took a while, but I finally found the first log between myself and Dave. I'd forgotten this happened, but I had a feeling that perhaps with all the time loops going on..." She pointed to a line of red text at the top of the window. "Well... Note the greeting."

John peered closer. His gut twisted as he recognized the nigh-indecipherable glitchy bullshit text. "Oh. Oh, shit, Daveglitch contacted one of us that early?"

"I wouldn't ask you to wade that far back in your logs, but there's a decent chance you have a long-forgotten note from him as well." She leaned back against her chair with a sigh. "Most of our lives have been shaped by the glitch. It made sure we met, it made sure we entered Sgrub exactly as it needed, and it made sure our lusii died. It may have influenced us in ways we'll never even know."

He frowned. "Well, that's part of why we're getting revenge on that dumbface."

"Revenge?" She stared unblinking over his shoulder. "I suppose revenge at least is still on the table."

"Well, yeah. Why're you hesitating?" He nudged her shoulder in case she'd gone into one of her Seer trances. "We're gonna kick butt and take names, remember?"

She caught his gaze. "Alternia's dead, John, and we forfeited Sgrub." Rose's voice dropped to a whisper when Kanaya grunted her in sleep. "Don't mention this to the others, but... At this point, I'm not sure what our best case end scenario even is anymore."

"Well," John paced a couple steps, "obviously we beat the glitch, we save Daveglitch, and you rule the troll empire so we can all live happily ever after without fear of culling. Duh." He grinned. "That's pretty much always been the plan, especially that last part."

"But is said plan still relevant?" she said. Her gaze fell and she leaned an arm against her desk. "Even if we're somehow able to obtain another mothergrub, how much longer will our species actually survive? Daveglitch may be the source of the glitch, but killing him won't change that the very fabric of this universe is infected. It's only a matter of time before the frog we reside in dies."

John faltered. "Rose, that... kind of sounds like you're saying we can't win."

She caught his hand and held it tightly, staring at it in silence for a long moment. "I don't think 'winning' is a realistic scenario anymore. We may have to settle for some version of surviving." She gave his hand a squeeze before releasing it, shaking her head. "Enough about that. You came here for something, didn't you?"

"Oh." He stared down at his empty hand. Romance problems seemed inappropriate for a moirail feelings jam, after something that heavy. "Yeah. It doesn't really matter though."

"All the more reason to hear it." She smiled bitterly. "I could use a distraction or five hundred."

He frowned. "It's stupid, but... well, I've kinda never had a matesprit before or even a kismesis... So I'm a bit not sure on how the hell all this stuff works!" He tilted his head in a shrug. "I don't know how to get any good at, uh..." He held his hands apart and mimed pushing them closer. "You know..."

She raised an eyebrow. "Pailing?"

"What?" His face heated up. "No! Rose, oh my god, get your sponge out of the gutter! I just mean kissing and stuff!"

"Oh." She hummed to herself as she considered him. "I can't say I've had much experience in that field either. Given, however, that Karkat is as young as you, it's quite likely he doesn't have much experience either and little room to bitch if you fumble." She smiled. "Besides, if he doesn't find your failed attempts pitiful, he's not a very good matesprit to begin with, is he?"

"So basically I just have to be awful at it for a while and make him put up with that?" He wrinkled his nose.

She laughed. "More or less."

"That's stupid," he said with a huff. "What're you planning to do with Kanaya?"

"Kanaya?" Rose quickly avoided his gaze. "What about her?"

"Uh..." He hesitated. Okay, he had not realized that wasn't an official thing yet. Shit. "Does she look like she's about to wake up?" He pointed to Kanaya and backed away. "I think I should probably go then!" He darted for the door and yelled over his shoulder, "Thanks for the advice, Rose, sorry about the depressing stuff!"

"Well, she's awake _now_!" Rose called after him.

John cringed. "Sorry!" He slowed his noisy pace too late. At least that meant someone else would be able to keep Rose company and properly distract her from thinking too hard about glitchy stuff and all associated frustrations.

He trudged back to his block. He'd wanted help on being a better matesprit, but instead he mostly just felt like maybe he wasn't that fantastic of a moirail either.

He heard voices coming from his block before he even reached it. Karkat and Jade were on the couch Karkat had alchemized, with Karkat's computer strategically placed on a table in front of them so they both had a good view of the screen. Jeez, everyone was having movie marathons without him that night.

"Why is he treating her like his moirail?" Jade asked, gaze locked on the screen. "I thought they just went red for each other!"

Karkat groaned. "Because humans only have one quadrant, Jade, oh my god. How have we not covered this?"

"That just sounds like a very overwhelming relationship, to put all that pressure on one person!"

"Of course an alien would feel that way." Karkat sighed loudly, pausing the movie before turning to face her. "You can't appreciate all the careful nuances at play here. Humans have to balance all the quadrants at once. It's complicated and many don't succeed but a successful human romance can make for the most fulfilling relationship possible. You guys only get slivers of that in four different directions."

Jade held her chin in her hand. "Is that why Terezi made a funny face the first time she found me cuddling with Dave?"

Karkat smacked both hands against his forehead. "Oh god, Jade, please tell me you explained moirallegiance to her by now."

"Yeah, I did right then!" Jade said, nodding. "She thought it was cool and tried to get in on the cuddle pile."

He grunted. "Well, kudos for dodging the bullet known as wacky cultural misunderstandings. I'm sure culture shock will still come back to bite you at some point, though, so don't feel too left out yet."

Jade straightened enough to peek over Karkat's head and spot John standing in the doorframe. "Hi John!" She waved him over. "We're watching one of Karkat's human movies. It's really interesting! Especially all the cultural differences. It's almost over, but we can rewind it if you want."

"No, we fucking cannot, we've got five minutes before the credits." Karkat held a hand over the touchpad and gave Jade a warning glare before resuming the movie. He settled back against the couch. "If you want in on a movie, Egbert, you'll have to settle for a new one. Until then, shut up and let us finish this up."

"I wasn't-"

"Shh!" Karkat said, holding a finger over his lips and glowering at John.

John sighed and flopped next to him. He never really got Karkat's movies. He wasn't a big fan of romance-y stuff that didn't have a few explosions sprinkled in to make things interesting, but Karkat's movies were even worse than troll romance films. He could barely follow the progression of human romance. They almost always started as kismesis without ever admitting they were kismesis, then they vacillated to a weird mix of pale and red.

Karkat slid an arm around John's shoulders, which John took as invitation to snuggle in against his side. Karkat grunted but otherwise didn't react, all of his attention devoted to the movie until the image faded to black and the credits rolled into view.

"That was a fun movie!" Jade hopped up with a smile. "Thanks for explaining things, Karkat! I'll go find Dave and let you two watch the next one by yourselves."

"Okay! Bye, Jade!" John called after her as she left the room with a wave.

"So where have you been anyway?" Karkat said, ejecting the disc and putting it into its case. "You missed a good movie."

"Well, I was doing lots of things, but most recently I stopped by to see my moirail. And also Dave."

Karkat scoffed and tossed the DVD to the side. "Jesus, I will never understand you or Jade. What are you doing hanging around Fuckface McShitshades so much?"

John frowned. "Dave's my best bro, Karkat. I know he fucked up, but he's really not a bad guy. He was just angry and probably scared and clearly not goddamn thinking." He leaned a shoulder against Karkat. "What would you have done if you were in our situation?"

His lip curled and he crossed his arms, refusing to meet John's eyes. "I don't know, but I wouldn't have harassed and threatened a bunch of fucking kids who had no damn clue what they did to deserve such ire on account of _not even fucking deserving it_."

"Well, he's still not as bad as you're making him out to be. You'd probably be good friends if you gave him a chance!"

"Not interested." He nudged John with an elbow. "I'm up to my eyeballs in gray alien enough as it is."

"That's true." John chuckled. "I still wish you liked my best bro at least a little, but it's pretty cool that you have extra time for me."

"Yeah, we can marathon human masterpieces and troll garbage to our heart's content." Karkat rolled his eyes. "Totally makes up for the lack of movie theaters and crappy fast food joints required for proper dates."

"This is a date?" John said. Shit, he really, really didn't get humans and romance yet.

Karkat facepalmed. "The fuck else are we supposed to do for a date in the middle of a goddamn alien ocean? Why do you think Jade left?"

"Ohhh..." John just about facepalmed as well. He didn't get any romance, apparently. "What do we do on a date? Just watch another movie?"

"Well, what the hell do trolls do on dates?"

John shrugged.

Karkat scowled, pulling both of his legs onto the couch. He scooted around to face John and caught both of John's hands, making steady eye contact as he leaned forward.

John imitated Karkat. "Is this where it's okay to kiss you?"

Karkat groaned loudly and bumped his forehead against John's, resting there. "Yes, you goddamn idiot. This is exactly where you ruin the mood by asking the fucking obvious."

"So now it's too late?"

Karkat wrenched John forward the last two inches and pressed their lips together. "There!" Karkat broke away, blushing furiously. "That's how you take initiative! Are you goddamn happy or did you blink and miss it?"

John held a finger to his mouth, not sure what to make of the warmth still tingling along his lips. "Well, it _was_ really fast."

"Fuck you, it was the most magical second of your disgusting alien life! Appreciate it like the benevolent gift it is!"

John leaned in and pecked against Karkat's lips. "Like that?"

Karkat's blush worsened and he glowered. " _That_ was too damn fast!"

"Jeez, fine!" John pressed his lips against Karkat's again, making sure to count to ten before daring to slip away and watch for Karkat's reaction.

Karkat tilted his mouth one way, then the other, his brow furrowed. "I know I say a lot of hyperbolic bullshit, but I actually mean it when I say you're kind of crap at this, Egbert."

John frowned. "Oh yeah, well, maybe you're a just a picky asshole and I'm not new to this in the slightest."

"You know what?" Karkat sighed. "Just follow my lead and you can't fuck up that bad." He wrapped both arms around the back of John's shoulders, nudging him to do the same.

John was more than happy to snuggle in against Karkat and hold him close. Humans were much softer than trolls and they were warm like lowbloods, both of which were even more comforting sensations when he knew they came from Karkat. He relaxed into Karkat's grip and let him lead as their lips met again.

Karkat bapped the back of John's head and broke from the kiss only long enough to mutter, "Watch your sharpass alien teeth."

"Sorry!" John said, voice muffled.

"Stop talking!"

"You started-"

"Shh!" Karkat hissed against John's lips.

John snorted, held his breath to try to stop himself, then burst into a fit of giggles to the point that Karkat had to break the kiss again.

Karkat shoved John's forehead. "Stop laughing, you cocksucking jellybean for brains."

"B-but..." John held a hand over his mouth to muffle the laughter. "Man, you're still calling me names and being so fucking crabby even when we're trying to be romantic and shit!"

"Shut up, that's not funny, that's awful! I'm being awful!" Karkat glared at the wall. "Why do you think that's a good thing?"

"Nah, you're great, Karkat." John wrapped around Karkat like he'd been shown before and rested his head against his shoulder. "I like this."

"It's awkward like a socially inept nerd sitting in the corner of a frat party!" Karkat rubbed John's back. "But I guess that's only fitting for a couple of assholes like us."

"Exactly, dude." John moved in for another kiss, trying to imitate how Karkat had initiated it before and focusing all of his concentration on not laughing again. It went better, he hoped, and they actually stayed silent as they cautiously rubbed lips.

Karkat pressed his weight against him so suddenly that John fell on his back, glad to land on the couch cushions and not the floor. Karkat's lips roughly slid over his own, following the kiss up with three softer pecks.

He sighed against John's mouth and slumped against his chest, then slid to John's side and curled up in the crook of his arm. "Christ. Is this actually appropriate right now?"

"What d'you mean?" John rolled over as much as he could to wrap around Karkat.

"We're on a dead planet, my entire universe is gone forever, and both of our species will be lucky if they survive another century. So what do we do to pass the time?" Karkat threw an arm in the air. "Sloppy interspecies makeouts, of course!"

John snickered. "I dunno, Dave and Terezi have been smashing mouths a lot."

"Yeah, and Fuckface is the shining beacon of morality around here." Karkat buried his face against John's shoulder. "My best friend who was also my brother is dead. Most of my friends are dead, two of them are flying around in horrorterror lala-land, and the last two are facing impending doom with me." He clenched the back of John's shirt. "You seriously don't feel guilty for acting happy and shit when Vriska's dead and Fuckface Glitch Edition is a captive in his own body?"

John felt a pang in his bloodpusher and he swallowed hard to ignore it. "Well... what else are we supposed to do? Mope around forever? Vriska and Dave would both make fun of us for sure if we did something that useless and depressing for their sake. I bet your friends feel similar."

"They're all idiots anyway," Karkat mumbled, burrowing against John. "We should languish in a pile of our own shit and meditate on our failings until the stench makes us vomit."

"Eww." John stuck his tongue out. "Karkat, eww. What is up your butt tonight?"

"More bullshit than you'd like to think about it. Pounds upon pounds of it, right up my anus." Karkat rolled his eyes. "Have you been having weird dreams lately?"

"Uhhh... I guess I try not to pay attention to my dreams," John said. "They're usually kinda spooky. Why?"

Karkat was quiet a moment, then muttered, "I dreamt that I saw Sollux and Aradia last night. Last day." He grunted. "God, this nocturnal schedule is fucking weird."

John squeezed him. "Well... You probably miss your friends a lot, so of course they show up in your subconscious."

"It felt _real_ is the stupid part. They were still alive and living amongst a bunch of ghosts in these weird horrorterror bubbles, which obviously makes sense, right?"

John grinned. "Badass!"

Karkat let out a muffled growl. "No, it fucking is not, you morbid motherfucker! The ghosts were my dead friends!"

"No, that's still awesome, Karkat. Ghosts are cool, hanging with your friends is cool, so hanging with your friends who are ghosts is _super_ cool." He nuzzled against the top of Karkat's head, which was pretty easy without any horns to get in the way. "If my friends were dead, I'd want to go live with their ghosts so we could keep being friends."

Karkat grunted. "Aradia seems happy enough, at least." He took a deep breath and his voice went quiet. "Gamzee was dead though. His ghost isn't possessed, which I guess is something, but... the glitch killed him in the end, John. It got so many of my friends and I was a useless fucking leader who couldn't do jackshit to save any of them. Sollux and Aradia are alive by their own skill, then Terezi, Kanaya, and I all have Jade to thank for our hides. All I did was follow orders and fuck things up." His voice shook.

John hugged him tight. "We all kinda fucked things up, Karkat. Even the smart ones like Rose."

"I guess." Karkat sniffed. "Y'know what the most bullshit part of it is? Whenever I talked to the ghosts, none of the stupid fucking asslickers blamed me. Even my subconscious isn't desperately pathetic enough to make up something as asinine as that, so I gotta assume I'm somehow having prophetic dreams."

John wasn't sure what to say that wouldn't make things worse, so he just stroked Karkat's hair. It was starting to feel a little pale, but he guessed that couldn't be helped if humans didn't have moirails. "Sorry if I am killing the mood again, but is it appropriate to give you a sympathetic kiss here, or is that belittling the situation?"

Karkat sighed. "It's probably closer to the latter, but right now I give up. I can't really give any more shits. My colon is fresh out." His face emerged from its hiding spot against John's shoulder. "Let the dead roll in their graves if we're being too happy. They can wait a fucking hour or two for me to go right back to appropriately miserable."

"Yeah." John moved in to kiss him, careful to keep his teeth sheathed as he pressed their lips together. It wasn't for another good ten seconds after Karkat closed his eyes that John lessened the pressure. "Was that okay?"

Karkat blinked and raised his gaze to stare blankly into John's eyes. "It is still incredibly fucking obvious that you don't know jackshit about what you're doing, but you know what? I liked it anyway." He cupped John's face. "Do it again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Figured it was time for a calm, relatively fluffy chapter before the plot kicks back into full gear. I'm nervous and excited about the next chapter. Nervoucited? :D


	36. Act 3.3

The sky was so clear that, if anything disturbed the stars that night, there wouldn't be more than a wisp of a cloud to obscure it. The moon bathed the top of Rose's hive in a light bright enough that Kanaya didn't have much difficulty seeing, even with her darkness-susceptible human eyes.

"What will it look like?" Kanaya asked, her legs crossed and her gaze fixed upwards.

Rose took a deep breath. "I'm not sure. With any luck, a flashing neon sign will light up the sky and point to its arrival." She chuckled. "I'll call it good enough so long as it's visible from this side of the planet."

Kanaya rested her hand next to Rose's, the edges of their pinky fingers barely touching. "At least we have three more positions to check, just a jump in a Gate away."

"Mm." Rose stopped craning her neck and took in the rest of the sights -- the ocean shimmered over one hundred feet beneath them -- before she dared to glance directly at Kanaya. "This is the last chance to turn back, you know. You and the other humans would be safer Gating to another hive than coming with us. This is our mistake to clean up and you're not obligated to risk your lives for it when you're not even God Tier."

"I am sure Karkat will tell you where you can stuff that notion when he hears about it." Kanaya frowned. "We're seeing this to the end. Even if I agreed that we are innocent bystanders in this, which I do not, I wouldn't let our friends walk into this alone."

Rose studied Kanaya for a moment, admiring how the moonlight shone on her dark skin. She wondered what kind of horns Kanaya would have sported if she were a troll. "Jade and Dave couldn't have fucked up your Genesis Frog too badly, considering what selfless aliens came from it."

"Well, it's a bit difficult to call humans selfless. You saw the unnecessary violence that occurred even within my friends."

"I was talking about you in specific, Kanaya." Rose nudged her with an elbow. "Karkat and Terezi as well, to their own degree. If we could only take three allies from your species, we lucked out with you."

Kanaya blushed, ducking her face too slow to hide her smile.

John interrupted them before Kanaya could voice her embarrassment, flying up the outside of the hive to reach the roof. "Why the fuck are you two way the hell up here?" He froze when he saw them sitting close. "Oh. Uh. Y'know what, never mind!" He backed away. "I don't need to actually know about that kinda stuff. You don't need to tell-"

"John," Rose said. "It's tonight."

"What's tonight?"

Kanaya tugged Rose's arm, staring at the sky. Rose snapped her gaze up and scanned the stars until she spotted the flickering light in the distance that hadn't been there mere seconds ago.

Rose nodded at it as the light grew larger. "That."

"Uh..." John took a moment before he saw it and a moment longer before he caught on what it was. "Oh, shit."

Rose stood and drew a needle from her specibus. "Go find Jade and have her teleport everyone up here."

"On it!" John said as he took off.

Kanaya climbed to her feet, watching Rose.

"No turning back after this." Rose raised her weapon towards the sky. The empress's battleship was still just a flickering light in the distance, but it wouldn't be long before its mass was visible.

"I think we crossed the point of no return a long time ago, actually."

Rose smiled. "Point." She shot her brightest spell into the air, feeding it as much power as she could muster until it made a tower of pure light. The entire area lit up almost as if the sun was out, the ocean surface glittering. She squinted, trying not to block out her sight entirely no matter how her eyes watered and stung in the presence of such strong light.

Kanaya placed a hand on Rose's shoulder. "Close your eyes. I'll tell you when."

Rose clenched her eyes shut, gasping in relief as her eyelids relieved the stinging pain immediately. She trained any regained energy on her weapon, willing it to be brighter, to shine from the farthest distance possible. It _had_ to be visible to the battleship by then, but she wasn't taking chances.

"What's happening?" she said.

"I can make out a shape now," Kanaya murmured. "It's... red, I think... and... It's coming closer. I am almost certain it has seen us."

"I'm killing the light then." She let the spell fizzle out and could see the darkness return even through her eyelids. She slumped against Kanaya and breathed deeply, making note not to expend so much energy on a single spell in the near future.

"Will that be enough?" Kanaya asked, wrapping an arm around Rose to prop her up.

Rose sighed. "The entire planet is barren, yet there's a single blast of unnatural light in the middle of the ocean. If she doesn't come to investigate, then the empress is more incompetent than I gave her credit for."

She straightened and brushed herself off as she felt the slightest tingle that they were about to have company. It was less than five seconds later that Jade teleported herself and the other four to the roof.

"We're ready!" Jade said before any of them could have even taken in the situation.

Karkat looked disgruntled and a bit unsteady on his feet from the teleportation. He kept a grip on John's wrist. "Ready for fucking what? What's the big goddamn deal?"

"I dearly hope I don't need to point out what's hanging out in the sky right now," Rose said flatly. The battleship was close enough that she could see its red paint job and hear the faintest echos of an engine humming.

Terezi tilted her head back and put her hands on her hips, nodding. "Yeah, that sure is a sky with important stuff in it probably!"

Rose snorted. "You're excused from my last statement, Terezi. My ancestor's battleship has arrived."

"Holy shit, it's huge!" Karkat said, mouth agape. "That thing is seriously just for one fucking troll?"

"Actually, that's small for a troll battleship, as it's designed for speed rather than power." Rose glanced over her shoulder to watch it approach. It was quite the looming sight, large enough to block off most of the moon if it settled in the wrong position. Its speed slowed as it presumably searched for the source of her spell. "All the same, it can take out a small planet on its own."

Karkat pulled a face. "Well, golly fucking gee, seven dumbass kids can definitely take that down. What were we all worried for?"

"There's a reason we're going to be working from the inside." Rose took to the air, gesturing for the others to follow. "We need to hurry though. John, can you use your windy powers to fly the humans with us?"

"I think so," John said, only floating a couple of inches off the ground as he glanced at Karkat, "but shouldn't Jade just teleport everyone again?"

"I'd rather we not pop into unknown territory and risk landing in the midst of fifty drones. This route gives us time to adjust to our environment if need be."

"Well, okay then," John said. The wind picked up all around them before he concentrated it just on the humans, wrapping them in his invisible grip and lifting them into the air.

Karkat's eyes went wide and he clung to John's shirt. "Shitshitshit, are you nuts? Put me down!"

John laughed, wrapping an arm around Karkat as he flew higher. "I've got you, Karkat! You're fine, I promise!"

"Y-yeah, I don't know, I actually kind of like the teleporting idea," Terezi said, looking nothing short of horrified as her cane batted at the air and found nothing to connect with.

Kanaya was the only one to respond to her sudden airborne state with nothing more than mere curiosity. "Here." She leaned over to tap Terezi's shoulder. "Take my hand."

Terezi fumbled for Kanaya with her free hand. Judging from Kanaya's short wince, Terezi had a mean grip.

Rose waited only long enough to make sure no one was likely to turn into a straggler. "Let's go before the Luminary can make the first move or, worse, leave. Jade, are you ready for any defenses we may trigger?"

Jade beamed. "Absolutely!"

"John, stay in the back with the humans. You'll have most difficulty maneuvering right now with your concentration on the wind." Rose gestured her commands. "Jade, Dave, up front with me to take on unexpected surprises."

Dave held back long enough to share a short kiss with Terezi before speeding up to keep even with Rose. "What happened to pulling off your Seer shtick?"

"It's amusing that you think Sgrub would give me such a consistently infallible power," Rose sighed longingly, "instead of this mixture of clear paths and vague-as-shit _hints_ , all depending on how 'fortuitous' gets defined at that exact moment."

The roar of the engines grew in volume as they took off towards the looming ship.

"Oh god, oh shit, oh fuck," Karkat practically whined. "This is still stupid fucking bullshit and I will write creepy messages in blood on your mirror for the rest of your life if you drop me, John!"

"Oh man, that would be cool," John said with a grin. "Make sure they're really spooky, okay?"

Karkat clung to John with both arms. " _Do not get fucking ideas, you supernatural-obsessed freak!_ "

"I am not going to get you killed, you dumbass!" John said, laughing.

"So what color is this ship anyway?" Terezi said, her cane wavering in the air as if she couldn't quite go without making sure she wasn't about to hit an obstacle.

"It's bright fuckin' red 'cos highbloods are hypocrites like that," Dave called over his shoulder.

She grinned. "Awesome! We should steal it!"

"Sure. That's absolutely feasible."

"C'mon, it'll be awesome, coolkid. Flying around space in a big red battleship!"

Dave snorted. "Totally, man, and we'll name it the S.S. Sweet Bro."

"Hell yes!"

Rose swallowed the urge to smile. At least some of them weren't too nervous to remain light-hearted. Her mind snapped back to rigid attention when she felt a pang of warning. "We're about to catch their notice. Jade-"

"Already on it!" Jade nabbed a small metal device from her sylladex, fiddled with the buttons on it, then teleported it away.

Something exploded in a flash of light just over the ship. If Rose had understood correctly when Jade explained her handiwork to her earlier, then the bomb should have disabled the ship's scanners. On the off-chance they were spotted, the ship's guns wouldn't be capable of aiming until a drone managed to reset the computers.

Just that amount of meddling was enough for a lone drone to fly a patrol around the ship by the time they neared. It was much larger than an adult troll, spiky, and dark gray. Instead of charging them, as was relatively preferable, it took off to report its findings as soon as it caught sight of them.

"Strider, after it! I'll play back-up!" Rose had to shout to be heard over the engines. She pulled up and held an arm in the air so the others knew to keep their distance.

Dave flashstepped forward, charging the drone in the back and managing a good stab before his opponent even realized it was under attack. He had to retreat quickly as the drone turned on him, matching his speed with ease. Rose shot bolts of light to block every strike the drone tried to pull. It was still a moment before Dave realized that his defense was solid enough that he could concentrate solely on attacking.

It took an absurd amount of strikes to hit the right area to cut through the shell and send the drone to its knees, but Dave managed with no damage to his own person.

"The landing area is clear! Jade, this is where we teleport!" The words were barely out of Rose's mouth before they were standing on the flat landing area of the ship, with a tower of a control center in front of them. The humans stumbled from the sudden shift to solid ground -- Terezi especially clinging to Kanaya for balance. Rose made a sweep of the area in case she'd missed something from above. "Inside!" she called, running for the nearest entrance.

Dave kept up with her and she noted he kept the grip on his weapon as tight as she did. The near-deafening winds and engine noises dulled to almost nonexistent as soon as they stepped inside the walls of the battleship.

Rose swept the immediate area with Dave before they dared even lower their weapons. The entrance was low security, probably on the assumption that no small group would be able to infiltrate this far, without even any locks to block their way into a maze of metal corridors.

"Holy shit, are we safe now?" John said, leaning back against a wall to catch his breath.

"Relatively." Rose wiped at her brow. "You all did well out there."

Karkat snorted. "We didn't do shit."

"Well, you succeeded in not fucking anything up and that's pretty high praise in this group lately."

"Is there time to regain our composure?" Kanaya said, rubbing Terezi's shoulder. "Dave in particular seems a bit winded and we're all a little out of it, I believe."

"Hey, fuck you, I'm fine," Dave said, though he was breathing a bit fast. Rose was pretty sure it wasn't entirely caused by exhaustion so much as fear.

Rose frowned. "I said we're _relatively_ safe. There's no telling how long it will be before we encounter another drone patrol, so I'm afraid we'll have to carry on as-is." It stung a little to see how quickly Jade and John straightened, putting on airs that they were raring to go. "In the interest of increasing efficiency, we should split into groups while we search for Daveglitch. Dave, stick with Terezi. Jade and John, you're with Karkat. Kanaya and I will make the last group. If you find the glitch, do _not_ engage him if you're not a Blood player. Even then, tread carefully, Karkat."

Karkat snorted, catching John's hand and leading him over to Jade. "You know me, always fucking shit up."

"The fuck _are_ we doing when we find the glitchy asshole exactly?" Dave asked, stepping over to Terezi. She already appeared to have recovered from the flight and was examining her surroundings with her cane.

"Reconnaissance," Rose said. "Keep a portable computer ready and signed into Trollian so we can converge if needed." She was sure to make eye contact with all of them -- or as close to contact as she could make with the shade-wearing duo. "Let's go."

She swallowed her worry as they split ways, each heading down a separate hall to delve further into the ship. There were relatively few appendages and tentacles creeping out of the walls, metal being the most common material to make up the ship, so the engines must have been old fashioned instead of piloted by a helmsman.

Rose paused at each crossway, trying to sense any whiff of danger or success that her Aspect would grant her. She kept a tight grip on her weapons and was glad that Kanaya's lipstick was out whenever they turned a corner. At least the trail to their target was strong.

"Was it wise to split us up so much?" Kanaya whispered as they climbed a short flight of stairs. "Perhaps we should have been divided into larger groups to ensure that everyone has a Seer present."

"Jade can teleport her group to safety if anything goes wrong." Rose paused on the top stair, confirming the coast was clear before stepping into another corridor. "It would look suspicious if the two of us broke away while the others stayed as one unit."

Kanaya was silent for a moment, frowning. "We're not looking for Daveglitch, are we?"

"No." Rose kept her gaze forward. "I'm going to confront the Luminary."

Kanaya started. "What on earth for? Is this another cultural difference I don't quite grasp, like your grubloaf?"

"Heiresses have the right to challenge the empress for the right to rule. The winner takes control of the empire. The loser dies. Or that's how they say it goes." Rose smiled bitterly. "In actuality, the winner is possessed by the glitch and only plays a figurehead."

"Then..." Kanaya glanced over their surroundings. "Why are we doing this?"

"It's my place as a fuchsiablood to strive to become empress."

"Empress of _what_?" Kanaya said with clear exasperation.

Rose was silent a moment. "Excellent question."

* * *

Dave was totally chill. It wasn't like drones were the inevitable death sentence he'd braced for his whole life. Nah, it was cool that he was gonna meet them head-on instead of waiting for them to catch up with his mutant ass on their own.

Okay, no, they were actually fucked and even he couldn't try to pretend otherwise. A freak troll and a blind human against an army of drones wasn't going to go well. He'd only survived the first encounter because Rose had interfered.

He still couldn't actually say anything about their imminent doom or he'd risk initiating a pep talk, and that was just about the worst fate he could think of outside of sharing a cocoon with a drone.

"So what's this hallway look like?" Terezi asked.

Dave glanced at the walls. "I dunno, man. Metal and shit. And the blood of lowbloods, probably."

"Well, I could hear the _metal_ , smartass." She smacked her cane against the floor with more force than usual. "Are there flashy buttons or fancy portraits?"

"Nah, nothing flashing out here. Kinda got a few fleshy wires running down the walls, I guess."

"Fleshy?"

"Yeah." He poked one of the protruding wires with his claw as they passed. It shivered at his touch. "Probably made out of some kind of dead grub."

She wrinkled her nose. "Do you guys just make everything out of dead grubs?"

"Pretty much."

"Trolls are so gross."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome!" Her grin was short lived as she froze in place. "Don't move and stay quiet."

"What are-"

She threw a hand over his face, probably aiming for his mouth but instead smacking him in the nose. "Sh!"

"Yeah, that shush explains everything," he said flatly. "Thank you for that. Monosyllable answers to unfinished questions are-"

She succeeded in smacking her hand over his mouth just as a shadow loomed from the intersecting corridor ahead of them. Dave stopped trying to talk, going tense as they waited for the inevitable as a drone came into view. It was almost amazing how quiet the son of a bitch was, despite clomping around on giantass feet. Its head was already turned down their hall, as if it knew they would be there through the magic of listening for voices.

Dave caught Terezi's hand and pulled it off his mouth. "You can stop trying to be quiet. It already saw us."

She groaned. "See? I shushed you for a damn good reason."

"Hey, no big." He nabbed a weapon from his strife specibus, trying to ignore how tense his entire body had gone. "I've got this."

"Wait, absolutely do not-" Terezi shouted as he flashstepped forward and took a swipe at the approaching drone. "-fucking do what I think you just did!"

Dave's sword missed its mark and stabbed into the arm that the drone had thrown up to protect its chest area. The drone let out a screech so loud that it made his hear ducts ache. He stumbled back, narrowly dodging a swipe of the drone's claws. The fucker only seemed faster after its injury. Maybe that's what Terezi was trying to warn-

Two more drones turned the corner behind the first one and Dave's blood pusher clenched in what he really hoped probably couldn't possibly be fear. Even at God Tier, he wasn't sure he wanted to take a chance on fighting creatures bred to be stronger than a goddamn adult.

He retreated, nabbed Terezi's wrist, and broke into a run. "Okay, change of plans, we're gonna check out another part of this godawful ship and give these losers the slip somehow while we're at it!"

"That isn't going to work!" Terezi said as another drone appeared from another corridor up ahead.

He slid to a stop. Drones ahead of them, drones behind them, and not a single damn escape route that didn't involve ducking past claws. "Goddamn, what is this, a drone wriggling day party? Who the fuck invited all these assholes?"

"I dunno, probably the guy who wouldn't shut up." She brandished her cane at the incoming drone. "Maybe you should trust the _Seer of Mind_ to know which _choices_ will result in bad things, Dave, instead of being all 'sup, I'm too cool to listen to orders.'"

He turned to face the other three drones, going back-to-back with her. It was only fair that he go against the higher numbers, being somewhat immortal and all. "Maybe you should explain your orders instead of being vagueass about them."

The drone closest to Terezi lashed out and she blocked the strike with more ease than Dave would have expected from someone who could only go by sound and vibration. He probably should have known better after watching her fight in Sburb.

"Just so long as you're aware that I'm officially revoking your license to bitch about this later, as penalty for catching their attention when I told you not to!" she said.

Dave grit his teeth as two drones launched at him at once. "Guess I'll be bitching without a license, then!" He ducked a swing aimed at his head, then stabbed at the other drone. "What's the fine?"

"I'm sure the jury will come up with something suitable for you!" Terezi smacked her opponent across the head. "Something like- LEFT!"

"What?" Dave said, already dodging to the right. Claws tore through his sleeve and skin. He cringed, but it was a shallow wound, even if blood was running down his arm.

All four drones ceased their assault, their heads snapping towards Dave.

"What happened?" Terezi whispered, keeping her weapon at the ready.

"Guess they're mesmerized by the beauty of my blood." He swung his sword at the nearest drone. It dodged him. The one that had been focused on Terezi caught him unawares from behind, slamming him into the wall. Before he could recover from the impact, the drones seized both of his arms in grips so tight that he had to swallow a cry of pain.

Terezi slowly crouched next to the wall and otherwise went still, her face somber as she listened.

Dave wrenched against the drones' grips to no avail. "T'z-"

She shook her head and held a finger over her mouth for silence, otherwise keeping perfectly still. That was super helpful. Fuck, he hoped she knew what she was doing.

Dave kicked at the drones all the same, but their shells were too thick to even bruise. They didn't seem to notice his struggles as they ripped his weapon out of his hand and confiscated his entire sylladex. Once he was all but defenseless, they hauled him off his feet and kept tight hold of his arms.

Even knowing it was pointless, he tried pulling free because it was better than going without a fuss. What the fuck did they want? They were just dragging him down empty corridors. Oh god, was this culling? He thought they just killed trolls on the spot, but maybe mutants got special executions. (Would culling count as heroic or just? What would they do to a culling victim who fucking _revived_ anyway?)

He glanced over his shoulder. Terezi slunk behind them, her mouth set in a frown. Her pace was slow and she didn't use her cane for a guide, instead keeping one hand on the wall. At least she probably would step in before he was in real danger of dying.

The drones finally halted in front of a door that didn't look any different from the other doors they'd passed, which opened into a pitch dark block. They threw him in with such force that he landed in an ungraceful sprawl and the door closed before he could even scramble back to his feet.

He stood, already back on guard. There was a faint orange glow on the other side of the block, but otherwise it was too dark to see jackshit. As far as he could tell, the block was completely empty. It could've been worse, all things considered. At least the drones hadn't come in with him and there weren't any troll-eating monsters hanging out in a corner.

"Dave?" Terezi's voice came through the door, muffled but audible. She knocked twice. "Dave, you're okay, right? I'm sorry I couldn't help. It would have just gone way worse if I'd interfered."

"Yeah, don't worry about it, better only one of us got caught." He glanced around as his night vision kicked in. "There's nothing even in- _Holy fuck_."

" _Dave_?" Terezi said.

The block was empty, mostly, save for one goddamn adult troll standing against the wall opposite the door.

Dave didn't move an inch, waiting for the adult to react. He'd never actually been so close to one before, but any troll vicious enough to survive childhood wasn't likely to be friendly to a mutant brat.

The adult showed no signs of response. His head was bowed and he didn't so much as twitch. As Dave relaxed enough to actually study him, he realized that the orange glows he had spotted before were a pair of metal cuffs attached to the adult's wrists, holding his otherwise limp body up. The bastard was just another captive. A dead one, at that.

"Uh... nothing," Dave called to Terezi. "I didn't say anything. False alarm. They just left a goddamn corpse in here. No big deal." He ran his hand over the doorframe, trying to find a way to open it. "The fuck is their damage, throwing me in here without even bothering to cull me?"

"Maybe they just really liked you, coolkid. Wanted to keep you for themselves."

"Yeah, well, they can get in line." He slammed his shoulder into the door and received a painful jolt down his arm for his troubles. "Shit, this door won't fucking budge. Can you find the lock out there?"

"Uh, maybe?" she said. He heard faint tapping of fingers against metal. "If this is it, I can't figure out how to operate it."

He sighed and leaned against the door. "Okay. Okay, shit, uh..."

"Maybe I should try to find the others."

"Whoa, hang on, by yourself?"

"Dave, I survived Sburb. I'm blind, not helpless," she said. He could practically hear the eyeroll in her tone.

He frowned. "Yeah, okay, point. Just... be fucking careful, okay? And fast. Fast would be good. Never know if they're gonna come back to finish the job."

"I know, coolkid. I won't let them kill you," she said, her voice soothing. "I'll be back soon."

"Yeah. Later." He leaned against the door, listening to her footsteps until they faded.

Without Terezi around, that left him with approximately fuckall to entertain himself with. At least the drones weren't bright enough to know they needed to confiscate the shades that had been alchemized with basic computing abilities. He opened Trollian.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--

TG: heads up terezi is headed your way cos drones are assholes   
GG: what?   
GG: is she ok? D: are you ok??   
TG: we are uninjured im just trapped in a containment block and thats kinda inconvenient   
TG: which is why t-z is gonna catch up and lead you over here so you can bust me out   
GG: ok we will wait for her as long as we can   
GG: we just found daveglitch   
TG: whoa shit what?   
GG: no we are okay!!! hes...   
GG: well hes not attacking us   
GG: its tricky :\   
GG: i need to concentrate on this sorry :(   
TG: nbd   
TG: ill just kill time and go poke the corpse of the last poor bastard who got stuck in here

Dave sighed. He wished he'd been joking to Jade, but there wasn't even a vent to try escaping through and Rose was ignoring his messages. He wandered over to his dead blockmate.

"So they just leave prisoners to starve around here?" Dave said, looking him over. Like most adults, the guy was a fair amount taller than Dave. His hair was slicked back and his horns... were kinda the closest Dave had ever seen to his own, actually. He wore no giveaway colors for his blood. His clothes were just black and an unnatural shade of red, no sign included. "That musta been a harsh way to go, dude, but I guess it's a good sign for my survival since someone's gonna bust me out before that's an issue."

Dave felt something under his foot and pulled back before he could finish putting his weight down. He'd almost stepped on some kind of glass object, but he couldn't tell what the hell it was. He knelt and scooped up a pair of triangular shades.

"Were these yours?" He waved the shades at the corpse. "Pretty cool design, man." He turned them over. They were computerized like his own. "Where'd a fucker like you come from anyway? Thought this ship was all about the minimal decorations, but here they hang a corpse around like a-" He ducked so he could peer up and get a look at the corpse's face. He froze. The corpse's eyes were open, the colors a perfect mirror of Dave's own gander bulbs. "Dude." Dave pulled his shades off to be sure the tinted lenses weren't throwing him off, but the irises remained bright fucking red. "What."

The corpse's eyes flickered. "Who the fuck..." it said with a strained and raspy voice.

Dave leapt back with an utterly uncool yelp, dropping the triangular shades and barely keeping hold of his own.

The corpse had moved. The corpse had _talked_. The corpse was probably not actually dead but just a poor bastard too weary from captivity to show signs of life until some dumbass kid got up in his face. A poor _mutant_ bastard, no less, who was trapped on the empress's ship of all places for some fucking-

Wait, oh god. That was Dave's last ounce of logic out the window. He was stuck in a cell with the Sufferer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's _this_ douchebag?


	37. Act 3.4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter has some potentially uncomfortable material, namely heavily implied torture and talk of suicide, so tread with caution.

"Rose, please rethink this." Kanaya hurried ahead of Rose and turned to face her, blocking her path. "I know these are literally alien matters to me, but I'm fairly certain you're taking a needlessly large risk."

Rose sighed and stepped around Kanaya. "You're meddling, Kanaya."

"Well, perhaps sometimes that is all right!" Kanaya caught Rose by the arm as she passed. "Perhaps I should stop holding myself back for fear of judgment and meddle when the situation calls for it!"

Rose narrowed her eyes. She could break away with ease if she wanted -- she could feel that Kanaya's strength did not come close to rivaling her own -- but that wouldn't solve the argument in the long-run. "This is not the most convenient moment for you to re-examine your flaws in the pursuit of personal growth."

"That is exactly the kind of judgmental nonsense I am trying to stop listening to!" Kanaya said.

Rose would have crossed her arms if she'd had them both free. "And when will you know that you're truly in the right, if the opinions of others suddenly mean nothing?"

"When my lack of action will result in the harm of my friends!"

One of Rose's computers beeped. "Shit." She shook Kanaya's hand off. "Let go a moment. The others might have found something, or worse." She grabbed the nearest computing device from her sylladex, which happened to be a small tablet, and tried to swallow her worry as she checked the newest string of messages from Dave.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TG: in before jade or someone else lets it slip  
TG: im kinda in a jam over here  
TG: but shit is under control were cool this setback is so minor it cant even buy sopor slime without showing an id  
TG: it has to let its lusus do all the cocoon shopping thats how minor this setback is  
TG: just waiting on jade no big deal  
TG: hows shit on your end getting some quality alone time with kanaya or whatever  
TG: not that i want details on that crap unlike you who probably is dying to hear about all the weird shit i get up to with terezi  
TG: which you will never be privvy to  
TG: sorry for denying your dreams  
TG: youll just have to settle for your creepy pervy novels  
TG: hey maybe you and vantas can start a book club and swoon over all the erotic subtext together  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is now Busy! --  
TG: fine fuck you i dont need you to ignore me ive got a dead blockmate for that

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

Rose facepalmed. "Goddammit, Strider." She closed Trollian and fought the urge to log out entirely, but the "Busy" status would hopefully be enough to ward off any other non-emergency notifications. At least it was probably safe to assume he didn't actually need her help if Jade was already en route -- especially when his rambles were of the bored variety instead of the nervous variety.

Kanaya watched Rose's computer, though the screen was turned away from her. "What's wrong?"

"He's fucked something up." Rose returned the computer to her sylladex. "Drastic enough that he's called Jade for help, not so drastic that he's not up to trolling me out of sheer boredom."

"You see how much we need you concentrating on the task at hand instead of straying off-path for your own personal quest? Already the other groups are struggling to finish their missions without hiccups."

"They can't afford to rely on me all the-" She froze, sensing an unmistakeable pang of approaching danger. She touched a hand over Kanaya's mouth, keeping her own lips tight, and shook her head. Kanaya seemed to catch on, as she stayed quiet and followed Rose to the edge of the corridor with light footsteps.

They huddled together and waited in silence, switching between glancing around and studying each other's faces. Kanaya stayed on high alert, but her breathing and movement was steady instead of quick in panic, as would have been more than appropriate given the situation. It might have been coincidence, but Rose couldn't help wondering if Kanaya was so calm because she trusted in Rose to keep them both safe.

A short line of drones passed one of the nearest intersecting corridors. Rose counted six altogether and none of them so much as paused long enough to spot the two intruders hiding in plain sight just down the hall.

She waited until she was sure the drones were a safe distance before murmuring, "We should be good for a while."

Kanaya straightened, still staring towards the hall that the drones came from. "Could we handle even one of those on our own?"

"One? Most certainly." Rose beckoned her to follow. "The reinforcements that one drone will alert? The probability of our victory gets foggier there."

"And you think you have a chance against the person who controls them?"

"I should hope I have at least a chance." She came to a halt in the middle of the hallway, facing a door for the first time that didn't lead to stairs. "Especially seeing as she's just beyond that door."

Kanaya tensed and darted in front of the door, holding her arms out to block Rose. "Then you should stay far from here. Don't even tempt yourself to go in there."

Rose stared Kanaya straight in the eyes. "Please don't make me fight you too, Kanaya," she said quietly.

Kanaya's arms fell to her side and her entire posture drooped. "This matters that much to you?" she whispered.

"My lusus told me for my entire life that I must cast aside my heritage and never approach my ancestor, that I'll never be strong enough to take her on." Rose cupped one side of Kanaya's face. "I need to finally confront this. I need to end this chain as a fuchsiablood."

Kanaya caught Rose's hand. "What will we do if you're taken over by the glitch?"

"If it will put your mind at ease, I truly don't think I will be."

"Then what will we do if you're dead?"

Rose smiled. "You'll finish what I couldn't."

"Rose, don't _do this_." Kanaya's voice broke.

"I swear," Rose whispered, "I wouldn't be acting entirely for my own selfish desires if I didn't sense that this is necessary in some way."

"I-intuition or y-your Seer ability?" Kanaya visibly swallowed, keeping her face stiff.

"At this point, the two have grown so intertwined that I can't tell the difference."

Kanaya wrapped her arms around Rose. "Please don't kill yourself."

"I have zero intention to." Rose kissed her cheek. "I won't make you watch this. Wait for me and please don't let the others interfere if they find out?"

Kanaya clung to her tightly. "A-all... all right. If I'm not allowed to meddle... no one else will either."

Rose nodded and extracted herself from Kanaya's grip, facing only a little resistance. Kanaya stayed rooted in place, but she didn't stop Rose from slipping past her, only turning her head to watch after. Rose could feel her gaze even as she stepped through the door, all the way until it closed behind her.

Most of the ship's design felt almost monotonous in its unchanging scenery, but the block Rose stepped into broke all previous patterns. It was set up almost as an observation deck: three of the four walls were transparent and looked out onto the ship's immediate surroundings, which just then were Alternia's nighttime skies. Watching a planet approach or the stars flash by must have been quite an experience.

An adult troll clothed in a black and fuchsia dress stood staring out the windows, her back to Rose. The empress looked over her shoulder.

It was like staring into a mirror that showed her adult self instead of her present form: the Luminary had the exact same horn shape as Rose, as well as a similar facial structure. Her body sparked with static, though she suffered fewer distorting graphical glitches than Gamzee or Daveglitch had.

She only looked a couple of sweeps older than Rose -- old enough for her eyes to have changed from gray to fuchsia, but not all that much older. Rose wondered if that was a side effect of being possessed by the glitch or if another factor was at work.

"1 d0+n't kn0w how t^he helL y0u're here," the Luminary said, her voice distorted by a robotic filter, "but ifFf y0u don't l=eaVe 1'm gonna hav/e t0 k1ll y0u aNd that'd kin%da su#ck for boTh 0f us."

Rose cocked her head. Clearly the glitch wasn't exerting complete control over the empress, unless it had adapted a rather different style of speaking. "I'll give you credit for sparing your would-be sucessors from life as a glitch's puppet," Rose said. "That's impressively selfless for someone in your position. Unfortunately, I don't have time for a well-meaning death." She equipped her best needles. "I'd appreciate if you'd just surrender, but I will be your downfall regardless."

"S0r*ry, g1rL." The Luminary turned to face her. "I th_0ught be1Ng em(presS s0uNDed c%00l as hell toO, but thi$ iSn't so#meThiNg y0u acTua/lly wa!nt."

Rose smiled bitterly. "You're right. I don't. But my wants aren't what's important here."

The Luminary pulled a rifle from her specibus, holding it at her side. "S0u_nDs liKe you'r%e jusT a fuck1ng duMm*y t0 me."

Rose raised her weapons. "The worst part is that I can't actually argue."

* * *

Dave gaped at the Sufferer, too off-guard to remember he should even attempt an air of indifference. "Oh my god, you're supposed to be dead, what the _fuck_."

"Sorry for being so inconsiderate." The maybe-probably-Sufferer cleared his throat but it still sounded as if it was difficult for him to form words. "Next time I'll try to bite the dust in time not to disappoint some random pupa." He raised his head with a quiet groan and the chains attached to his cuffs rattled as he shifted as much as his restraints would allow. He looked only eight or nine sweeps at most. "The fuck are you doing here?"

"Thought it looked like a good place for a slam poetry meet, don't ya think?" Dave gestured an arm at their dark and empty surroundings. "Nah, dude, a couple of goddamn drones threw me in here, probably because they mistook me for _you_. The hell else do you think happened?"

The Sufferer didn't react, staring hard at Dave with an unreadable expression. "You're a mutant."

Dave slapped his shades back on, reinstating his pokerface with them. "Oh yeah, well, you're the, uh... the Sufferer or whatever, so I think you count as the bigger surprise around here."

"That's my new title, huh?" The Sufferer frowned. "The old one already sounded like shit, but guess I could always use a little extra salt in the wound."

Dave stared a moment. He'd kind of been expecting a challenge to his assumptions, not a confirmation. "Fuck, my friends are gonna be so damn smug that you're real, let alone alive somehow. Dude, how the hell have you survived this long?"

The Sufferer sighed. "I don't fucking know and by this point I've stopped fucking caring."

"Seriously, man." Dave peered closer at Sufferer for signs of age -- he _couldn't_ be young -- but he still looked no older than nine sweeps. "Defying a natural lifespan aside, everyone thought you got executed."

"Wouldn't know what they told anyone on the outside, but I'm not surprised if they spread a fake rumor about my death. No one stages a rescue for a corpse." The Sufferer scoffed. "Not that my captor is sane enough to think that logically."

"What, the empress?"

"Shut the fuck up." The Sufferer fixed Dave with a glare so harsh that Dave took a step backwards. "I meant the goddamn piece of shit controlling her that kept babbling about loops and time."

"Oh, cool," Dave said, standing up extra straight to try to recover from his stumble. "You know about our good friend the murderous glitch from hell."

"That bastard's public knowledge now?"

"Eh, kinda-sorta not really." Dave turned his hand one way, then the other. "How the hell'd you figure out the Luminary's possessed and she's not just more same ol', same ol' psycho highblood at work?"

"Because Roxy was my best friend before she became the damn empress. The thing calling the shots right now ain't making decisions she'd ever fucking approve of," the Sufferer said, his voice heavy with spite.

Dave paused. "Okay, was kinda expecting to hear something about static and robotic voice filters. That there just sounds fucking sad." He stuck his hands in his pockets. "Wasn't your whole rebellion about taking down the government, empress included?"

"That's generally what rebellions are about, kid."

Dave cocked his head. "What, so you start one up knowing your friend's at the top of the chain?"

"Didn't realize it was her 'til the end." The Sufferer sighed. "Shit was complicated. Long story."

"Neither of us are going anywhere, dude, and your stories sound more entertaining than mine." Dave shrugged.

"Whatever." The Sufferer was quiet for long enough that Dave was pretty sure he wasn't going to continue, then he said, "The last empress just got dethroned when Roxy contacts me on Trollian with some fucked up quirk and begs me to kill the new fuckin' empress. I never hear from her again and assume some other heiress musta offed her in order to take the empire. No idea why she told me I oughta drop everything and overthrow the goddamn government if it's too late for her anyway, but I figure, hey, the government wants me dead either way. Might as well give them a real reason to cull me."

Dave nodded. "Kinda sounds like you tried to overthrow the government on a whim."

"More or less."

"Badass, dude." Dave raised an arm. "I'd fistbump you if that were feasible on your end."

The Sufferer's mouth twitched into the slightest smirk. "Yeah, we kicked a lot of ass and were pretty damn near unstoppable. Could've taken down the entire system."

"So what went wrong?"

The smile faded. "I fucked up," he said, voice hollow. "You can use your own imagination to figure out why I'm stuck here now."

Dave shifted his weight and frowned. "Uh. That's gotta suck bulge, man."

"Thanks for stating the obvious so I don't have to." The Sufferer's gaze traveled over Dave from top to bottom. "You wanna make yourself useful, kid?"

"Depends on if I feel like it."

"Kill me."

It took a couple of seconds for the words to even sink in, then Dave waited an extra five seconds for some indicator that he'd misheard or that the Sufferer just had a morbid sense of humor. "Why the fuck?"

"Why the fuck do you think? You'd wanna keep living after sweeps locked up in these things?" The Sufferer pulled at his cuffs enough to make the chains rattle. "If I could've done it myself, I would have by now."

Dave stepped closer. He wasn't actually sure how he felt about killing someone in cold blood, but hey, the Sufferer should've died sweeps ago (and wanted to), so why not? Dave faltered as he made contact with the Sufferer's neck. His skin was warm and moved in synch with his breathing. Fuck, maybe he could have handled the task with a sword, but Dave couldn't just press down on that. "This is fucking stupid."

"You're not gonna do it?" the Sufferer said wearily.

"Nah." Dave reached up. "Instead of unnecessarily drastic shit, maybe we should just start with busting out of here."

"Wait, don't-" The Sufferer yanked his wrists as far from Dave as the chains would allow, but not in time to stop Dave from touching one of the cuffs in search of a weak point.

The metal burned as if it had come straight out of an oven, somehow maintaining its heat even sweeps later -- because trolls had too much damn freetime to design torture devices, clearly. Dave yanked his hand back. " _Shit!_ " He stuck the worst of the damage into his mouth.

"You're not a very smart pupa, are ya?" The Sufferer's stare was infuriatingly unimpressed.

"Shut up. Oh my god." Dave sucked on his aching finger, for as much as it barely numbed the pain. There was no way he'd be able to tear those cuffs off with his bare hands. "Tell me that shit's less fucking molten on the inside."

"Can't say I've had the pleasure of touching the outside for comparison, but 'fucking molten' ain't too far off from what I've got. Now do you get why I want you to kill me and get it over with?"

Dave examined the wound on his finger. He'd touched the metal for less than a second and already it was showing a mark -- and it still fucking _stung_. If anything was gonna convince him that maybe there were worse fates than dying, having that kind of heat applied to his skin nonstop was probably near the top of that list.

All he had to do was hold his hands against the Sufferer's throat until he stopped breathing. That was easy, right? Except first he had to lift his arms and admit he was willing to go through with it. "Man, I never killed a troll before," he mumbled.

The Sufferer grew still, then he sighed. "Forget it."

Dave tried not to relax or show any other signs that he'd never been so relieved to not have to murder someone.

"Got a name, kid?" the Sufferer asked.

Dave fought to regain his pokerface, anything to reinstate his faltering confidence, and said with no inflection, "Dave Strider."

The Sufferer's head snapped completely straight for the first time. "Is that a fucking joke?"

Dave scowled. "Hey, fuck you, my name is awesome."

"You're damn right it is. Because it's my name."

Dave's mouth went dry. Great, so the Sufferer was real and so were ancestors. "Well, one of us is gonna have to change, 'cos there are way too many Daves running around already."

The Sufferer smirked, just a touch. "I just meant Strider, you purposefully obtuse shithead," he said. "How'd you get that name?"

"Yeah, I might be your descendant."

"I don't buy into that crap."

"It sounded like dumb highblood shit to me too, but I can't really argue at this point, seeing as I just found a Strider who looks kinda like me with my horn shape and my blood color." Dave shrugged. "What're you called if you're not a Dave?"

The Sufferer considered Dave for a moment before he said, "Dirk."

"Sweet." Dave nodded. "Can I call you Dirk instead of Sufferer or am I being too presumptuous to even ask?"

"If I never hear 'Sufferer' again, it'll be too soon." Dirk rolled his eyes. "Ain't such a thing as presumptuous around me, kid, so don't worry about highblood etiquette."

"Thank god, that was awkward as shit anyway."

"Look, kid-" Dirk hesitated. "Dave. Even if the ancestor-descendant thing were real, I never sent any genetic material to a mothergrub. Even if I'd bothered trying, she'd never have accepted it. I don't know how you got my name, but it's literally impossible for us to be related."

"And under sane circumstances, you'd be totally right." Dave wandered next to Dirk and leaned back against the wall. "But unfortunately we're both ghost goo clones and normal reproduction rules don't count for us."

Dirk watched him out of the corner of his eye. "I'm pretty sure I'm finally losing my fucking mind, 'cos otherwise you just said a mouthful of goddamn nonsense."

Dave laughed. "Bro, that is not even _half_ the nonsense I can spout at you that's actually totally truthful."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, the timing of these recent chapters... I was already struggling with how best to portray the alpha kids, then upd8s happened and I got a nice side order of guilt to go along with my indecision. "HAVEN'T THEY BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH IN CANON? MUST I BE SO MEAN TO THEM HERE TOO?" (Yes. Yes, I must.)


	38. Act 3.5

Karkat's footsteps were heavy as he studied their surroundings with his usual scowl. "Why the hell do you let Rose make all these decisions?"

"Why the hell wouldn't I?" John floated a couple of inches off the floor. He periodically shot ahead to peek into the doors ahead of them before Jade or Karkat could reach them, always turning away with a disappointed frown. "She's really smart and can sense good decisions, so obviously she should call the shots."

"But you're the leader!"

"I'm the friendleader, Karkat." John shook his head with a sigh. "There's a _difference_."

"Yeah!" Jade said. "We voted on it and everything!" She smiled at Karkat, receiving only an eyeroll in return.

"That is fucking stupid." Karkat let out a huff. "You're all morons. Not that that was ever in question. You just reminded me right now is all."

John snickered. "Okay, man. And you're toootally not a moron, even though you're following us."

"I never left myself out of the moron category!" Karkat shouted.

Jade shushed him. The area was too unfamiliar to get a strong sense of their surroundings, but she was fairly certain they were safe. All the same, she didn't like to risk catching a wandering drone's attention with loud voices.

Karkat pulled a face, but his voice dropped in volume all the same. "The fuck are you doing anyway, Egbert?"

"Checking all the blocks for Daveglitch." John opened a door, glancing around inside before turning away. "Duh."

Karkat rubbed his temple. "And what happens when you inevitably stumble on a drone dressing room or something?"

"I'll teleport us to safety!" Jade said. She'd been ready to nab John and teleport him away whenever he opened a door the whole time; she just figured it wouldn't do to worry anyone by stating such.

"Yeah, or we can beat them up." John shrugged. "Whatever. We can't find Daveglitch if we're being too cautious to look for him properly."

"We can't find Daveglitch if we're dead either," Karkat muttered.

"We won't die, Karkat!" Jade teleported to the next door, beating John to checking behind it. It just led to an empty room full of wires. "John's right. We didn't come here to snoop around the obvious areas." She backed away, examining the path ahead of them. It looked no different than the last five corridors and she doubted that would change anytime soon. "Where would you hide if you were a killer glitch?"

"I don't fucking know. Inside a computer?" Karkat threw up an arm. "Where else would a glitch call home?"

Jade held her chin in her hand and stared at the ceiling in thought. She'd studied the ship schematics that were sketched out in her ancestor's journal at least a dozen times on her own, not to mention the times she'd gone over them with Rose. If she had their location correct, then...

"There's a server block not far from here." She darted forward, beckoning for the other two to follow her. "C'mon, we can backtrack if we need to!"

"Wait, what the hell are we gonna do in a server bloc- uh, room?" Karkat said, keeping pace with her all the same.

"It's the closest to living inside a computer we've got around here!" Jade said, slowing only to peek around a corner and make sure the coast was clear before speeding up again. "The glitch would probably feel the most at home with a bunch of other important electronics. Or it might be with the empress, but I'd rather not meet her if we can help it, so we check everywhere else first!"

"What if the empress is like Rose though?" John said, still keeping to the air instead of running. "She might be pretty cool."

Karkat groaned and Jade didn't have to even glance his direction to know that he was rolling his gander bulbs. "John, she's probably fucking possessed like the Strider clone. She could be the nicest goddamn alien in either of our universes and we still wouldn't want to meet her in a dark alley. Hell, not even a well-lit alley."

"Shit, really?" John frowned. "Maybe we should help her, then."

"Maybe we should focus on helping ourselves first, dumpass."

"Shh!" Jade said as they neared the door that she was pretty sure led to the server block, provided she remembered the schematics correctly. She slowed her pace so they could approach more quietly, holding a finger to her mouth for silence. Once they were all huddled by the door, she cautiously pushed it open and was relieved that it didn't make a sound. She still prepared to teleport at a second's notice.

John ducked under her arms to peek in first. She knew they'd hit the mark when he tensed and equipped a hammer, but he didn't back away or attack. She pushed the door open the rest of the way to see the scene for herself.

The block was lit up with tall computer servers resting against every wall. Some lights flashed, others held a steady glare. (On a better night, Jade would have liked to have taken the servers apart and seen for herself the technology readily available to the empress.) Daveglitch sat at the base of one of the servers, unmoving as he stared into space.

"Holy shit, what do we do now?" Karkat said at the lowest volume Jade had ever heard from him.

She frowned. "Be really, really careful and, um... I'm not sure." She exchanged glances with John. "Do you think he'll attack? Can we try to reason with him?"

He shrank back and shook his head. "Ohhh man, that goes badly, Jade," he whispered. "He does not stop trying to kill you even if you're his best bro. I do not think being his moirail will help either."

Before Jade could point out that she wasn't technically _this_ Dave's moirail, Karkat shoved past them. "Fuck it," he said. "Let's see how the fucker does with a stranger who's got Blood powers then."

John's eyes went wide. "Karkat, be careful!" He made to dart after Karkat, but Jade caught his arm and held him in place, just in case he might do something stupid and forget that only Blood players were (relatively) safe touching the glitch.

Karkat stomped right up to Daveglitch, much to Jade's horror, but Daveglitch didn't respond yet. "Hey, fuckface!" Karkat said at full volume. "This is for Gamzee!" He swerved his arm downwards and smacked Daveglitch across the face. 

John gasped audibly while Jade held her breath. She was sure her blood pusher must have stopped for that split second between Karkat making contact and Daveglitch reacting to it.

Daveglitch slumped sideways from the force of Karkat's strike, then crumpled to the floor and otherwise didn't move.

Karkat froze, still holding his hand out as if for a second try. "Oh my god. What?" He nudged Daveglitch with his foot, flinching back to wait for a reaction, then nudging him harder when Daveglitch remained still. "What the fuck? What the hell's wrong with him?"

"Check for a pulse!" Jade darted over, getting as close to Daveglitch as she dared. She thought she saw him breathing, but it was hard to tell. "Is he still alive?"

Karkat knelt and rested a hand on Daveglitch's neck. After a moment's hesitation, he caught Daveglitch by the shoulders and hauled him back into a sitting position. From how Daveglitch slumped, it seemed likely he would have collapsed again without Karkat holding him up. "H-he's breathing, he's just..." Karkat waved a hand over Daveglitch's eyes. "It's like he's catatonic."

Jade's Trollian beeped. It was hardly a good time for a chat, but she couldn't afford to miss a message when anything could be happening to the others. "Hang on!" She fished out a laptop from her sylladex and tried not to tense when she saw Dave's username. She let out a sigh of relief when she read that Dave was only captured and not harmed. "Dave got himself in a bind, so we need to try to hold still for Terezi to catch up to us," she said, bidding Dave farewell.

"Terezi's by herself?" Karkat straightened, almost letting Daveglitch fall before remembering to pin his shoulders up. "Fuck, we weren't supposed to split up!"

"Well that is why she's coming to us!" Jade said and threw her computer back into her inventory.

John glanced at the door. "Can we hold position that long? I mean, he's..." He nodded at Daveglitch. "Yeah..."

Karkat jabbed a finger at Daveglitch's chest. "If this asshole starts acting up, I will strangle the glitch out of him myself! We aren't abandoning Terezi!"

"Shoooosh!" Jade said on automatic. She knelt next to him. "Of course we're not abandoning one of your friends! We're safe for now and we'll figure something out if anything goes wrong later."

Karkat still frowned deeply but he nodded. He poked at Daveglitch's forehead and tried grasping some of the static between his fingers. "Fuck, why isn't the glitch coming off him?" He pressed a hand to Daveglitch's shoulder and gave him a good shove. Neither Dave nor the glitch reacted. "I thought it'd at least recoil if I hit him, if not maybe let go of him. That's what it always did with Gamzee."

"Something's clearly different right now," Jade said. She'd seen how the glitch reacted to Karkat's touch on the viewport; it didn't bode well that its behavior was so completely different now that it was in front of her. "We'll figure it out. Just nobody but Karkat touch him for now, okay?"

"Man... He barely looks like Dave without his shades," John said.

Jade furrowed her brow. She'd seen Dave shadeless more than a few times in the last perigee and even then he looked nothing like Daveglitch. Their demeanors were too different: Dave was overconfident and tried to put on an air of indifference, whereas Daveglitch wouldn't even raise his eyes and truly _was_ indifferent to his surroundings. "I don't think that's the main reason why he looks different," she said.

Karkat snorted. "Yeah, he's not exuding an air of pompous jackassery. That helps."

John tilted his head, peering closer at Daveglitch. "What the hell happened to his horn?"

"His horn?" Jade followed John's gaze until she spotted a jagged hole on the outside edge of Daveglitch's horn. There were small cracks trailing from the hole, but the worst of the damage was about the size of a bullet wound. "Ohhhh, I think that's where I shot him!"

The other two stared at her. "Holy shit, you what?"

"Not on purpose!" She waved her hands in front of her. "I mean, I shot him on purpose, but I didn't know it was _him_. He was at my hive just before I entered the game. He killed Bec, so I shot him. I thought it looked like I'd hit a troll's horn, but he moved too fast to see." She inched closer to Daveglitch, examining the wound. It must have hurt, but at least he'd gotten the bullet out. She wondered if the glitch at least toned down his physical pain. "Sorry, Dave."

"Don't touch him!" Karkat yanked Daveglitch closer to him and away from Jade. "Only Blood players get to toy with something this static-y, remember?"

"I know, I know." Jade sighed and settled as close to Daveglitch as Karkat would allow without glaring. "Dave? Dave, can you hear us?" she said softly. "It's your friends. I'm sorry it took us so long, but we're gonna help you, I promise."

John sat on his haunches, ducking his head down further to try meeting Daveglitch's blank gaze. "I wasn't really expecting him to start rambling stupid metaphors at us or anything, but it's kinda weird that he's not being a glitchy creep either."

"You don't think it's grown immune to Blood powers?" Karkat picked at Daveglitch's sleeve, scowling when the static didn't react to his touch. "Because that would just fucking figure, if the only thing I can contribute to this bullshit doesn't work anymore."

"Well, you haven't been possessed yet, so that's hopefully a good sign," Jade said. She'd been trying to ignore the beeping of her Trollian -- she was fairly certain Dave was just bored -- but after what may have been the dozenth beep, she pulled out her laptop again. "Hang on, Dave needs something else."

TG: jade  
TG: jade  
TG: hey jade  
TG: jade unless a glitchy asshole is chasing you with a sword you get your ass back on trollian  
TG: jade  
TG: ok fine just listen  
TG: the corpse wasnt a corpse there is a live adult in here  
TG: and turns out hes a freak like me  
TG: also his name is strider so i think he may be my ancestor  
TG: thats  
TG:   
TG: a thing  
GG: !!!!!!!!!!!!  
GG: i thought you didnt believe in ancestors!  
TG: yeah i dont but theres a difference between an ancestor and a dude you share ectoslime with who basically acts as your ancestor  
TG: also  
TG: "i told you so dave!!!"  
TG: there now you dont gotta say it after i drop the next part on you  
TG: this asshole is that rebellion leader you and rose couldnt stop gossiping about  
GG: 8O  
TG: yeah pretty much  
GG: the signless is still alive???  
TG: sorta but he goes by dirk and also hes not in great shape  
TG: hes been stuck in this cell for an assfuck long time and hes chained in these molten shackles that suck like a dozen hoofbeast bulges  
GG: oh no!!!! is he trapped in the torture devices shaped like your sign?  
TG: yeah they are kinda the same shape if you tilt your head just right  
GG: ohhh noooooo  
GG: i guess that part of the myth was true :(  
TG: wait this is literally what my anon symbol is supposed to represent isnt it  
TG: holy fuck my shirt just took a turn for stone cold fucking morbid  
GG: sorry :( :( :(  
GG: is umm  
GG: is his matesprit there too???  
TG: i dunno ill ask  
TG: ok he just gave me the fucking stink eye  
TG: thanks a lot jade i think you put me on his shitlist  
GG: :(  
GG: sorry!!  
GG: i wonder what that means though....  
TG: the guys probably dead or something and we just trampled over this dudes lovesick blood pusher idk

John and Karkat had been talking to each other the entire time Jade was on Trollian, but it was only when a third voice mixed in that she froze and paid attention to the words. The other two also went still and silent, their heads snapping up as they heard, "Hello? Is someone there?" from the hallway.

Karkat edged closer to John. "Who the hell was that?" he whispered. "I thought Rose said there weren't any other people on this ship."

"There shouldn't be." Jade set her computer aside so she could go for a rifle if need be.

John stood. "Are you friendly or a bad guy?" he called.

Karkat facepalmed so hard that Jade winced at the sound.

"Not the latter, I should hope," the unknown voice said before an adult troll stepped through the door. Jade was two seconds from whipping out a weapon, but she froze as she got a look at the young man. His irises were the same shade as Jade's blood, his horns likewise sharing an appearance with hers, and his jacket had the familiar scrawl that she wore on her shirt. "Gadzooks," the other Harley said, his gander bulbs widening behind his glasses as he studied the block, "what are a bunch of kids doing on board?"

"Um, well, sir, that's a good question, and the answer is definitely not anything suspicious!" John said with a straight face.

"Yeah, John, he'll really buy that one." Karkat grimaced. "Better roll for bluff. Maybe you'll miraculously hit a critical and the ceiling will cave in before he calls you on bullshit."

The adult limeblood crossed his arms. "And might I ask what exactly is 'not suspicious' about two young trolls and an alien infiltrating the empress's unmanned battleship, in the server block no less?"

"Well," John puffed up his chest, "if you're not a bad guy like you say you are, then you probably won't mind that we're trying to get rid of the glitchy asshole who's been pulling the strings around here."

"How do you know about that?" The adult narrowed his eyes. "Not even Dirk realized- No one's ever found out about that thing without falling into one of its booby traps first."

"The explanation for that is a bit complicated. Um, if it's all right to ask you something though..." Jade stared straight at him, studying his face. His features were more masculine and had a few more sweeps of age to them, plus his hair was cut short, but otherwise it wasn't that different from staring into the mirror. "By any chance, sir, are you Gadabout?"

"I... Where did you hear that title? No one's used it in..." Gadabout trailed off as he looked her over. "I'll say, lass, are you a limeblood or is your sign just a queer color for olive?"

"Yes, I am a limeblood!" She couldn't hold back a smile as she said, "I'm, um. I'm your descendant, you see!"

John and Karkat both gawked at her, but their expressions of shock were nothing compared to Gadabout's confused stare.

"My des..." Gadabout looked between the three of them, mouth agape, but John only shrugged at him. "You can't be serious, surely?"

"I am!" She nodded five times in a row. "My name is Jade Harley, I share your sign, and I am absolutely positive that Gadabout is my ancestor, so if you're really him..."

"My word." He studied her face. "I... I ought to pettifog with you about this, but I can't imagine how you found yourself with my name and blood if you _aren't_ my surprise descendant!"

"So you believe me?"

"Yes, I think I must. Jade, was it? Even our dang-fucking-fangled first names are similar." He shook his head. "I'm Jake. That sounds a bit friendlier than Gadabout, yes?" He smiled a touch.

Jade beamed back at him. "Nice to actually meet you, Jake!" She would have liked nothing more than to sit him down and ask about everything she'd read in his journal, but it wasn't the right time for it. There was only one thing she needed to ask. "Why are you here though? I thought you'd died when you and your matesprit went to face the empress!"

Jake hesitated. "That's... a bit complicated," he said with a wince. "Needless to say, we were only taken captive, and word of our deaths was a bit... exaggerated, for the sake of... Oh, fuck, some balderdash about unstable timezones."

"Timezones? Oh!" Jade gasped and turned to the other two. "They probably meant Dave's time loops! I told Dave about the Signless before he split off into Daveglitch, so Daveglitch knew Signless was supposed to die. If news broke that he was alive, it would send the timeline spinning into doomed territory!"

Looks of understanding dawned on John and Karkat's faces (while Daveglitch still was unresponsive), but Jake just scratched his head and said, "Err, I beg your pardon?"

"Oh, sorry, it's a long story that involves my friend here!" she said, gesturing to Daveglitch.

"Wait, you know him?" Jake said, somehow managing to look the most startled that Jade had seen thus far.

"Yes! He's our friend Dave and we're trying to get the glitch off of him. It's attacked us in the past, but right now he's not even responding to us!"

Jake nodded with a frown. "I'm sorry you weren't aware, but he's like this most of the time, when that... thing isn't controlling him."

"Wait, he's _not_ possessed right now?" Karkat said, curling a lip.

"No, he's never this docile when he's possessed." Jake strode over to Daveglitch and knelt next to him. He held a hand out, but Daveglitch was as responsive to him as he was to anyone else. "Whatever has him in its grip seems to have limited energy, so the lad's often left like an abandoned puppet when he's not needed."

John furrowed his brow. "So the glitch can't keep that many irons in the fire without losing track of a few?" He snapped his fingers. "If it's been infecting entire _galaxies_ lately, I bet it's stretched itself thin!"

"Then why is he still glitching up?" Karkat asked.

"Shit, uh..." John rubbed the back of his neck, glancing to Jade. "Maybe it's still connected to him a little? Or... Do you know how long he's been like this, Mr. Harley's Ancestor?"

Jake hummed as he thought. "At least five hundred sweeps. Beyond that, I really can't say." He reached for Daveglitch. "I can try asking him though."

"Wait, don't touch-" Karkat yanked at Daveglitch's arm to try to pull him away from Jake's reach, but Jake's fingers had already made contact with Daveglitch's shoulder.

Jake glanced up. "What?" he said, completely unharmed and unpossessed by the static despite touching it directly.

Karkat still waited a few more seconds before loosening his grip on Daveglitch and muttering, "Nothing. Guess he's not contagious right now."

Jake lightly shook Daveglitch's shoulder. "C'mon, lad. Up and at 'em. I know you can do it." He caught Daveglitch's chin and lifted his face. "Look at me." He started to take his hand away but stopped when Daveglitch only went limp without the support. Jake sighed. "No, here, at me. See?" He held Daveglitch in place a few seconds longer before releasing him. This time Daveglitch kept his chin raised. "Do you hear me, old chum?" Jake smiled. "I've finally learned that your name is Dave! Does that ring true?"

"N0." Daveglitch's voice sounded as if it was generated by a machine, with only the slightest echo that sounded like Dave's natural tone.

"Oh? Then what is it?"

"[Returned: NULL]." What little organic voice Daveglitch had left was completely absent in those two words. It made Jade's chest twist.

Jake's smile faltered. "Of... course that hasn't changed. Look, I've something important to ask. Do you think you can tell me how many sweeps you've been alive now?"

Daveglitch bowed his head and was silent for a long moment. Jade wasn't sure he hadn't gone back to his catatonic-like state, but Jake waited patiently all the same until Daveglitch slowly said, "0ne m1ll10n, twenty-f1ve th0usand, f0ur hundred, and th1rteen sweeps."

Jade's mouth went dry. She'd known he couldn't have controlled the flow of history with only a week's worth of time loops, but she wasn't prepared to hear numbers that high either. Daveglitch hadn't even _aged_ since they'd last seen him.

They'd done it all wrong and failed. They were supposed to help Daveglitch, not let him suffer for countless sweeps all alone. She should done something, _anything_ , differently to cut the glitch off before it could force him to time travel to that extent.

"W-wait, how long is a sweep?" Karkat said. "Please fucking tell me it's shorter than a year."

Jade swallowed, forcing her voice to stay even. "It's almost eight hundred nights."

Karkat's face fell. "He's been stuck like this over two million years?"

Jake shook his head and shuddered. "Golly, I'd never been brave enough to ask before. I'm sorry that I couldn't warn you. Poor thing."

"This is probably why he's static-y even when the glitch is giving him a break," John said. He frowned but otherwise he looked by far the least distressed among them. "After a million sweeps, the digital shit seeped in permanently." He shrugged. "And s'why he's not reacting to us."

"He has to still know us, though, right?" Jade said.

Jake frowned. "Well... do you know these young trolls?" he asked Daveglitch, receiving no response. He caught Daveglitch's chin again to point his gaze towards Jade. "Them, lad. Do you recognize them?"

Daveglitch stared blankly for a long moment. "N0."

Jade stepped closer and slid to her knees to be at eye-level with him. "Dave, c'mon... We fought side-by-side, remember? You were always sending me your cool raps and asking me to record my bass for you. We used to quote your comic at each other. Remember stairs?" She grinned. "We told you about stairs, bro!"

The lack of acknowledgement, let alone the lack of customary "I warned you, dog!" echo, was... not the most disheartening thing Jade had felt in the last perigee or so, considering how many deaths she'd witnessed lately, but it certainly secured a place in the top five.

"Jade..." Karkat said, setting a hand on her shoulder. "I don't think this guy is Strider anymore."

"We still can't just give up on him." She touched Daveglitch's cheek and was glad that Jake took the hint to step away. She wanted to pap and shoosh Daveglitch and drag him to a nice pile, but that wouldn't be very appropriate considering he wasn't actually the Dave in her pale quadrant. "We were gonna be moirails, Dave," she said quietly. She dug into her sylladex with her free hand, pulling out one of the phones that Dave had sent her the captcha code for. She quickly scrolled through Trollian before turning the screen towards Daveglitch. "Look, this was a conversation we had before you split off into your doomed timeline."

His eyes flickered and she hoped that meant he was reading the text. "Garden... Gn0st1c?" he said.

Her blood pusher jumped and she nodded. "Yeah. Hey, turntechGodhead. Do you remember me?" she said, but he was silent again. "I'm so sorry, TG. I should have come for you sooner."

"I don't think you could have done that, Jade," John said. "I think the only person who could have nabbed him was Dave and now he can't do that without dooming this timeline."

Jade shook her head. Maybe if she'd leveled up more, she could have found a way to seal him from time travel, or if she'd been more careful about breeding the frog in the first place (may he rest in peace), or if she hadn't agreed to break them out of Sgrub... There was _some_ way that she could have helped Daveglitch earlier.

The overhead lights flashed, changing from the bright white glow to a deep red, and an alarm blared loud enough to make Jade wince.

"What the hell is that?" Karkat said, quick to nab Daveglitch's shoulder in case he was about to go full-on glitch mode.

"That's..." Jake frowned deeply. "That's only supposed to signal when an heiress has challenged the Luminary so that the Shepherd knows about it, but..."

John looked aghast. "Oh my god, Rose!" He sprinted out the door without another word, but before anyone could call after, he came running back. He dragged Terezi after him, holding her by the wrist. "Guys, I found Terezi!"

"The hell is with you, John?" Terezi said, her nose wrinkled.

"So much, Terezi!" John said, letting her go and giving her a light push towards Jade. "So fucking much, I cannot even go into it, because I need to rescue my moirail before she does something really dumb!" He ran off again.

"John, for fuck's sake-" Karkat shouted after him.

Once more, John was back within seconds, breathing a bit heavily. "Okay, so I don't actually know where the hell to find the empress!"

Karkat facepalmed. "Dumbass."

Jade bit her lip and turned to Jake. If Rose really had gone and run into the Luminary... or, worse, purposefully challenged her... "Jake, can you show him the way? You've got to know this ship pretty well if you live here, right?"

Jake started. "I, uh... I'm terribly sorry, but I really shouldn't get involved with that. I mean, you might run into..." He cringed. "Look, I'm just not authorized to meddle with something like that."

"But she could die if I don't get there in time!" John said.

"Hey, calm down, pap pap or whatever." Terezi swatted her hand at the air twice in his general direction. "I can figure out where Rose is the same way I got to you guys. Dave's not in immediate danger."

"Terezi, I take back everything bad I ever said about you." John smiled and let out a relieved sigh. "You're awesome and we will absolutely make up for the late rescue party to Dave later with shitty movie nights or something."

"Wait! Maybe we can split up and help both of them!" Jade tugged at Jake's sleeve. "If you can't go near the empress, you could lead me to Dave instead!"

Jake's gaze dropped to Daveglitch and Karkat. "I thought that was Dave?"

"No, no, this is a different Dave! He's my moirail and he was taken captive by drones!"

Jake's mouth twisted. "I wish I could help, but that's rather unusual behavior for the drones. They're supposed to cull intruders, not take them captive. I haven't the faintest where they'd even take him!"

"He said he's stuck in a cell with your matesprit, actually! You must know where _he_ is, right? Oh, we can help you rescue him finally!"

Jake hesitated. "He's with Di... with Signless?"

"Yes! He's, um, he's your matesprit's descendant, actually!"

"You lot are just full of surprises, aren't you?" Jake ran a hand over his brow and shook his head. "That means your friend is a mutant, doesn't it?"

"That's kind of a secret normally, but yes!"

"Oh dear." Jake sighed. "That explains it. The drones are on strict orders for how to handle... well, trolls with red blood, and I'm afraid they may have mistaken your friend for Signless."

John was practically hopping on the balls of his feet. "Okay, so you'll rescue Dave, I'll rescue Rose, and can I go do that now?" he said too quickly.

Jade nodded. "Yes, it's a plan, don't worry about us!"

John took a step for the door before he paused. "Karkat, you're coming with me and Terezi, right?"

Karkat frowned, glancing at Daveglitch. "Sorry, John. You know that rescuing Strider's the last thing I'm interested in, but I need to keep an eye on this guy. I'll just slow you down if I drag him with or whatever." He got to his feet to give John a quick kiss. "Go make sure Lalonde doesn't get herself too hurt, you cocksucker."

"Thanks, Karkat." John bumped his forehead against Karkat's. "And don't let your guard down around Daveglitch. He stabbed me and _I'm_ his best friend."

"Kind of idiot do you take me for? I'll be fine." Karkat lightly shoved John's shoulder. "Better see you soon."

"Yeah." John caught Terezi's wrist again to guide her toward the corridor. "Good luck, Jade! I'll contact you on Trollian when everything's okay!"

"Go save our boyfriend's useless but fabulous ass, Jade!" Terezi said, smirking as John yanked her out the door.


	39. Act 3.6

"You know," John said, making a sharp turn and running down the corridor as fast as Terezi could keep up while he led her by the wrist, "this would be a lot faster if you'd let me pick you up so we could just fly there!"

"Egbert, if you try to make me fly when it's not one hundred percent necessary, I will stick my cane three feet up your nose, then wipe the snot off on your shirt."

He tried not to blush; he knew humans did not actually think of such creative threats as black solicitation, or else he and Karkat would have vacillated twenty times already. "Jeez, okay! I'm just in a hurry!"

Terezi smirked. "And that is why I have been gracious enough not to hit you for leading me around instead of letting me find my own way." She poked his side with her cane. "Left!"

John tugged her to the left at the next intersection, for as little guidance as she needed when she'd foreseen it to begin with. "How far do we have to go anyway?" he said.

"I don't usually see those kind of details. By the way, if you can find a set of stairs, we need to go up a few levels."

He sighed and kept his eyes peeled. He hadn't even been paying attention to their surroundings before, since Terezi pretty much had it covered. "Man, why are Seer powers so picky?"

"They're better than yours!" She cackled. "What the hell does an Heir do anyway?"

"I don't know, but mostly I just make the wind go whoosh," he said, letting a light gust hit them from the front as demonstration, "and it's pretty straightforward, instead of confusing and dumb like your powers!"

"Yeah, you _would_ need something simple, Egbert."

"Hey! My class is awesome and it's no one's fault but your own that you can't see that!" John said, then made a face as he realized how poor his wording was two seconds later. "Uh, I mean, _tell_ that. Not literally 'see.' Shit, I didn't mean to sound as mean as I did."

Terezi just laughed. "You and Karkat must be a hoot together!"

"I guess?" John said, not entirely sure if that was a compliment or not. He slid to a stop before they could pass an alcove in the wall that he'd almost written off as another door but that actually led to a narrow staircase. He darted for it. "Okay, stairs found!"

Terezi stumbled as he pulled her onto the first step. "Slow down, dick!" She yanked her wrist back and broke free of John's grip. "You guys build these at weird heights!"

"Sorry!" John said, batting at her until she let him take her hand. He waited, trying to be patient as she tapped the stair above her with a cane and took her next step with caution.

Dave was right. Stairs were the worst. He really wished Terezi would just let him fly them both so they could _hurry_.

By the third step, Terezi nodded and moved along at a relievingly quick speed. She only stumbled again when they reached the top and John forgot to tell her that they were done. He apologized to her for probably the fifth time in the last five minutes.

They only had to take one more set of exceptionally lengthy stairs before Terezi was satisfied with their height in comparison to Rose. As they ran along the first corridor at the top of the stairs, Terezi said, "I think we're not too..." She dug her heels in, yanking John to a stumbling standstill. "Stop!" she said.

"Drones?" John asked, catching himself before he fell.

"I... don't know." She furrowed her brow. "If you kept going, we were gonna collide with _something_ , but I'm not getting the same sense I had for drones."

"Do we need to be quiet?" The words were barely out of his mouth when he heard the pattering of footsteps against the metal floor ahead of them. A troll dressed in red darted past from the nearest intersecting corridor. She glanced John's direction and came to an abrupt halt.

"What's that?" Terezi said, tensing under John's grip. "John, I heard something that didn't sound like drones, what is it?"

"It's another troll," John said quietly, meeting the woman's gaze. Her irises were cerulean and her horns had all the same smooth twists that John was used to seeing in the mirror. "Um, hi!" He waved to her, in what he hoped was a friendly fashion.

The adult flicked an arm and a long weapon slid into her hand from her strife specibus. It ended in three prongs like a trident or a fork, which was a lot more intimidating than John thought it should have been once they were all pointed at him. The adult raised her weapon and threw it.

John flung both arms around Terezi and tackled her to the side. He heard the wind whistle a second later as the fork shot past them, missing them by a foot.

As the first fork clattered to the floor, the adult reached in her strife specibus for an identical weapon.

"Sorry, Terezi," John said, placing both hands on her shoulders and guiding her to the relative safety provided by huddling against the wall instead of standing in the open, "but I think it's important I handle this by myself."

Terezi considered this before nodding. "That may be a good choice for once."

He equipped a hammer but didn't raise it yet as he stepped between Terezi and the adult, cautiously moving forward. "You're the Shepherd that Jake was talking about, right?" he asked.

The Shepherd's expression was cold and her only reply was to ready her weapon for another strike.

John ran forward to create distance between the fight and Terezi before the Shepherd could go for another ranged attack. He raised his hammer at the last moment, blocking the prongs aimed for his blood pusher. He twisted his hammer until the fork slipped and slammed into the wall over his shoulder. The Shepherd swiped her weapon to the side, forcing John to duck.

"Stop!" he shouted, only using his weapon to block and never attack. "Ms. Egbert, please listen!"

She slammed a shoulder into him, pinning him against the wall. "How do you know that name?" At least she could talk after all.

"It's mine!" he said, keeping his eye on the tips of her fork in case he had to disappear into wind to escape their wrath. "I just figured, since everyone else has met theirs already, you're probably my ancestor!"

Terezi let out an "ooh," while the Shepherd's eyes widened.

"Wh... what? I'm your _what_? I haven't even filled-" The Shepherd's cheeks flushed a deep blue. "No, that is not remotely any of your flipping business!"

John sighed. He really didn't have time to explain the ectobiology crap, but Jake had believed Jade so hopefully his ancestor would understand too. "So are you an Egbert or not?"

Her lips went thin. "You already know darn well that I'm the Shepherd."

"But that's not your _name_ , right?" He lowered his weapon. "Look, I'm John Egbert. I'm a ceruleanblood, I was raised by a really awesome hopbeast, and I have terrible eyesight, though not as bad as Terezi's."

She loosened her grip and backed away, looking him over. "Who are you really, buster?"

"Your descendant." He caught the bottom edge of his shirt, pulling it down to minimize the folds in the fabric and fully show off the cerulean marking worn on his chest. "This is your sign too, right?"

She frowned, staring for a long moment before she let the sharp tips of her weapon point towards the floor. "It'll take more than that to convince me, but that would at least explain why my telepathy hasn't been working on you."

"Whoa, you're a telepath?" John said.

She narrowed her eyes. "Aren't you? Or did I just bring your falsehood to light and you're not the descendant you claim to be?"

He shook his head. "Hey, no, I just don't have mind control, not even a little! It is my shame as a ceruleanblood."

"Well, you have some remarkable natural resistance to it, then."

"Huh," John said. He'd never been around a telepath before to test his reactions to their influence, but it still had never occurred to him that he'd have any powers even that passive. "That's better than nothing, I guess." He stored his hammer in his inventory. "So will you tell me your name now, or are we still enemies?"

The Shepherd hesitated. "I'm Jane Egbert."

"Hey, Jane." John grinned. "I'm John and that's my friend Terezi." He gestured behind him at Terezi. "She's an alien. And also blind."

Terezi grunted. "Thank you, John, that was absolutely relevant to everyone's interests."

"Look," Jane said with a frown, "you spin very fascinating stories, but there are other intruders on the ship right now." She turned away. "I'm sorry for being poor company, but I can't dawdle anymore."

"No, wait, those intruders are just my friends!" John called, ready to give chase if need be. "We're trying to defeat the glitch that's controlling the empress!"

She froze, then spun around. "Are you out of your sponge? I don't know how you even learned that thing exists, but a pair of children can't stand a chance against it!" She pointed from John to the floor. "Stay here and keep your butts out of trouble."

Terezi stomped forward, banging her cane against the ground a little harder than necessary. "Wait one damn minute, Egbert Senior." She stopped in front of Jane and stared in the general direction of her left arm. "You think you can charge us out of nowhere and just carry on with your day? I smell dark omissions in your introduction. How come you're running around this place freely, unpossessed, and in the mood to attack a couple of kids on sight?"

"Hey, yeah!" John glanced between the two. "Dave's ancestor is apparently stuck in a cell somewhere and Jade's ancestor was too nervous to even come up here! Why would you even attack us?"

"I don't have time to explain right now." Jane's mouth twisted. "I've already dallied too long."

"The Lalondes can look after themselves for another five minutes." Terezi brandished her cane. "You need to tell us what the hell is going on with this ship and why it looks like you're fucking allied with the glitch."

Jane bore her fangs -- her teeth were just as blunt as John's, though still sharper than a human set of molars -- but John darted between them, holding his hands up for peace, before either could move in for a strike.

"More importantly," he said, "we can help our friends better if we talk things out and trust each other! Jane, you can't be stupid enough to think it's a good idea to help the glitch! Weren't you with the rebels trying to take the empress down?"

Jane's hackles lowered. "That was before I knew the empress was our dear friend," she said, avoiding John's gaze. "Now it's all knotty and complicated."

"So explain it to us! There's a lot of bad stuff that's been going down and we can't fix it if we don't understand it." He swallowed and lilted his voice up. "Please, Jane?"

Jane chewed her lip and lowered her gaze. She took a deep breath before she said, "It... it was just supposed to be a standard assassination, but when we saw Roxy... and what that thing had done to her... Strider and I argued." Her jaw went tense. "He wanted to continue the mission, but I couldn't let him hurt her. The glitch took the upper hand while we fought. Even if I'd let Dirk kill Roxy right then, it was going to kill all of us either way. So I cut a deal with it."

Terezi cocked her head. "How the hell could you offer anything that the glitch would give half a shit about?"

Jane sighed heavily. "A strong telepath is invaluable to war efforts. When you can disable entire enemy forces with a thought, conquering planets is a cinch." Her free hand clenched into a fist. "So long as I help expand the empire, and so long as the public never learns that Dirk survived, that blasted awful fucking thing that you call a glitch spares Dirk and Jake's lives."

John's stomach twisted. "That's... that's really fucking _awful_. You've destroyed entire civilizations because it told you to?"

"I'm keeping my friends safe!" Jane said, standing up straight.

"But they're prisoners!"

"They'd be _dead_ otherwise." Her brow creased and she frowned deeply. "I tried to talk them into giving up the rebellion, but Dirk won't listen," she murmured.

"Okay, I think we've heard enough here." Terezi set a hand on her hip. "I don't give a shit that this empress gal is your friend. If you'd just killed her like the elder Strider wanted, you would have broken that glitch's cycle. It would have lost the strongest pawn it'd ever had and any access to her successors and it wouldn't have had the resources to infect the entire goddamn universe!"

"Could you have stood by and watched your friends die if you could stop it?" Jane said, a desperation in her voice that made John stare at his shoes. If he had to choose between letting Jade and Dave die or do some pretty shitty things... Well, he was really glad he didn't actually have to make that decision.

Terezi, on the other hand, didn't hesitate even a little before saying, "You're damn right I could, if the only way to save them was to throw shit at the fan! Your friends aren't more important than everyone who's ever lived, but that's what you just traded them for because this universe is toast thanks to you!"

John winced. "Terezi..." He really hoped she wasn't thinking of the same death that he was -- the death she caused for what he supposed was the greater good -- because in that case he _knew_ he would have done the same as Jane.

"Don't you get it, John?" Terezi said. "The glitch needed ships and manpower to spread its infection most effectively. Take away the telepath at its beck and call, it loses a decent chunk of its power but not enough. Take away the ruler of the empire it controls, it loses almost _everything_." She pointed a finger in Jane's general direction, missing by more than a few inches. "Is that what you wanted, Egbert Senior? To enable this asshole and give him wider territory?"

"I'm doing the best I can!" Jane said. "It's been two thousand sweeps and I still don't even know what the lousy thing _is_ , let alone how to fight it off, but if we can expand the empire until it's satisfied, it'll be done with Roxy and let her and the others go!"

Terezi took a deep breath and John worried for a moment that she was about to explode, but instead she spoke with a softer tone. "Well, here's a PSA on how that glitch works: it kills universes. It destroyed mine single-handedly. That's probably what it's been using you for, so it can wipe this one out too. Your friends are gonna die by its hand no matter what you do."

Jane's grip on her weapon tightened. "Why should I believe that?"

"You already do. You just wish you didn't." Terezi let both arms fall by her sides, leaving herself open. "We're going to salvage whatever's left of this universe, no matter what sacrifices it takes. So will you help us and make penance for your crimes in lieu of traditional punishment, or are we still enemies?"

Jane clenched her eyes shut and shook her head. "I have to try helping Roxy first. Whatever happens after that..." She straightened. "We can talk about this further and I can promise to at least hear you out."

Terezi nodded and said, "Yeah, you'll come around." She smirked. "I always wanted a mind reader on my team anyway!"

Jane blushed and stepped around Terezi. "W-well, don't get cocky here! Now I really need to reach the empress, but I can take you to a safer place to wait first."

John couldn't help but laugh. "We have dealt with waaay worse than this, Jane, don't worry. We got this."

Jane's lips went thin and she seemed uncertain whether to comment. "We _have_ this," she finally said.

"Huh?" John said.

She sighed. "It's not 'got,' it's ' _have_.' Honestly," she shook her head, "this many generations later and pupas _still_ haven't learned proper grammar."

* * *

Jade had never dared to hope that her ancestor was still alive, let alone that she'd actually meet him someday. It was hard to wrap her sponge around the idea that the young man trying to coax a mostly unresponsive Daveglitch into standing was the same person who'd written the journals she used to pore over on days that she couldn't sleep.

Not that his physical similarities to her weren't strong enough proof that they shared genes, but his unique way of speaking alleviated any lingering fears that she was mistaken in his identity. He spoke as he'd written.

"C'mon, lad, your legs are right as rain, so if you'd just use them it would save us from quite a pickle!" Jake nudged Daveglitch to no avail. He sighed and glanced at Jade. " _Is_ it really necessary to bring him along?"

She nodded. "Yes, we need to make sure he can't get up to any trouble while we aren't looking!"

"All right, but I've never actually talked him into anything more complicated than replying to simple questions." Jake slid an arm around Daveglitch's shoulders and pulled him partway into a standing position, but Daveglitch slumped back to the floor as soon as Jake released him. "It's like he plum forgot how to be a troll. Or anything else, for that matter."

Karkat groaned at the ceiling. "Oh my god, fucking forget it already. Just pass that lazyass motherfucker over to me and I'll lug him around so I'm at least useful for something."

"If it comes down to carrying him, I wouldn't plan on passing the task down to one of you youngsters."

"Hell no. Are you a Knight of Blood with a history of wrestling glitches?" Karkat stood at his tallest and glowered at his crankiest. "No! That's my only claim to fame and I'm gonna goddamn own it, so static-y assholes are defaulted to my care."

"Well, all right, if you'd really rather," Jake said with a frown. He scooped Daveglitch up with ease and stood so he could transfer the burden to Karkat's arms.

"Whoa, hey, I meant like I'd half-drag him." Karkat shuffled back but not out of reach. "How goddamn strong do you think a thirteen-year-old insomniac..." He fell silent and gaped as Jake pulled his arms away, leaving all of Daveglitch's weight on Karkat. "Holy shit. How does he weigh so fucking little?" Karkat adjusted his grip so Daveglitch's head rested against his shoulder. Jade couldn't imagine Dave letting anyone place him in such a vulnerable position without a fight, but Daveglitch didn't even seem to notice his change in location. "Is he literally part digital now or something?"

"He's always been like this from my perspective..." Jake gave Daveglitch a quick pat on the head. "But I'm just now realizing that said perspective is extremely limited."

Jade sucked on her lower lip. Daveglitch hadn't even flinched at Jake's touch, let alone batted him away or given him the flat glare she still couldn't help but expect from someone with Dave's face. She wanted to grab him by the front of the shirt and shake him until he snapped out of it, but even if that would have been remotely productive, there were more important priorities to take care of. "We should get going before Dave gets bored enough to troll me again," she said. "Can you lead us to his cell, Jake?"

"I can get you on your way, certainly." Jake waved for them to follow him. "I've never had an entourage before, but the drones are used to me at least, so I can't imagine I'll have trouble shooing them off."

As they walked, Karkat kept prodding at Daveglitch and muttering things like, "C'mon, Strider, show us some of your patented stupidity. Even your obnoxious and vulgar metaphors are better than fucking silence."

Jade wished she could join in the attempts to pry Daveglitch out of his stupor and she felt a pang of pity every time he remained unaware of Karkat's jabs. She sped up to walk side-by-side with Jake instead. "Have you been looking after Daveglitch for a while?" she asked.

He glanced back at the other two. "Well, for about five hundred sweeps, give or take. There aren't many good conversation partners on a ship manned by drones, so..." He laughed nervously. "He's not actually an exception to that, but I figure he could use the company as much as I can, even if he's shaky at replying. Sometimes I see Shepherd around too, but Luminary... hasn't been herself in a while and that's just depressing for the both of us." He lowered his gaze.

"Do the Shepherd and the Luminary have regular names too?" Jade asked.

"They do, but I probably shouldn't call them by their wiggler names around strangers."

She clasped her hands behind her back and smiled up at him. "Well, Dave's already referring to Mr. Signless as Dirk and I can call you Jake, right?"

"Hm, that's true." He held his chin in a hand. "I guess it would be nice to stop trying to juggle multiple names for the same person, especially after Dirk's confounded title changed once already." He shook his head. "Luminary is Roxy and Shepherd is Jane."

Karkat grunted. "We've already got a Harley, a Strider, and a Lalonde running around this place." He picked at the static around Daveglitch's horns as if he was trying to clean them off, for as much good as it did. "The last one an Egbert then?"

Jake paused just long enough to shoot Karkat a very perplexed look over his shoulder. "I'm assuming you know something I don't, or else you are one jolly good guesser."

"John's last name is Egbert too!" Jade said.

Jake's jaw slackened. "Is he really? What are the chances of so many descendants meeting up with their ancestors all at once?"

"Unfathomably low under normal circumstances, but Skaia might have had this all planned out for us the whole time!"

"Skaia?" He furrowed his brow. "Sorry, I'm not familiar with that particular... religion."

"Oh, no, no, no!" Jade waved her hands and laughed. "That's something from the game we played that caused all this trouble and created us to begin with!"

"A game did what?" Jake said.

Karkat groaned as Jade began to explain the basics of Sgrub. There wasn't time to tell him everything, like their fights with the denizens or how Dave went and threatened the humans like a dummy, but she condensed all the relevant information as best she could. Jake listened with wide eyes, nodding and gasping at appropriate moments.

She much would have preferred to hear more about his life from before he found himself on the empress's ship than tell him about moments she wasn't always proud of, but it was probably more important to get him up to speed on events that were rather relevant to their current situation.

"And now all eight of us are reunited for the first time since we 'hatched' in the ectobiology lab!" she finished with a smile and an excited hop in her step.

"What an adventure you've been through!" Jake smiled and gazed upwards. "It rather makes me miss my old dangerous exploits, before any of this glitch business happened." He sighed, slowing enough that Karkat caught up and Jake could ruffle Daveglitch's hair. "It sure explains a lot about this poor fellow though."

Jade nodded, aware it was probably not the right time to smile as much as she was, but she couldn't help it. "I'm glad you believe me! It sounded kind of farfetched when I was telling it, to be honest."

"Well, of course I believe you!" He beamed at her. "You're my descendant! Why would you lie about it anyway?"

"I dunno," Karkat grumbled, "why do half the idiots on the Internet spew as much bullshit as they do?"

They turned a corner and Jake slowed to a stop. "Well, this should be it." He pointed ahead. "First door on the right here is where they've kept Dirk. Hopefully that's where your friend is, because I'm stumped on where else he might be."

"I'll check," Karkat said with an exaggerated sigh as he stomped ahead of them. "Looking after stupid asshole Striders is apparently my new career." He kicked at the door as way of knocking. Within a few seconds, he nodded affirmation to Jade before shouting back at whoever answered him in the cell.

Jade almost clapped from relief and she darted a few steps forward before slowing. She turned back towards Jake, who hadn't moved to follow. "Aren't you coming?"

"No, that's quite all right." He shooed her with a hand. "I'll stay right out here. There's nothing to harm you in there anyway, so you won't need me."

She frowned. "Don't you want to reunite with Mr. Signless?"

"Uh, well..." Jake rubbed the back of his neck, but Karkat interrupted before he could explain.

"Hey, how the fuck do we open this anyway?" he called, jerking his head towards a panel on the wall, covered in buttons that no doubt could unlock the door with the right combination. Given time and resources, she could have hacked it open, but programming wasn't her specialty and they really didn't have that kind of time.

"Jake, what's the code to unlock the door?" she asked.

He clucked his teeth and shook his head. "I don't actually know. Only Jane and those drones have worked it before. I'd assumed you'd break in roughly the same way you managed to get yourself onto this ship."

She hummed to herself. "Well, I don't think _that_ would quite work in this context, but it's okay. I'll just teleport us in and we can free them from the inside."

Jake tensed. "You're going to _what_?"

"It's perfectly safe!" She caught the other three in the grip of her Space powers and made sure she could sense enough empty room for them to arrive on the other side of the wall. "It feels a little funny the first time though!"

"Wait just a dadgum fucking min-" Jake's voice cut off to a startled yelp as they teleported.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bluh bluh bluh, I was so close to being finished with this chapter like half a week ago, but I needed to alter some things at my beta's suggestion, which obviously was when I had to get hit by a nasty cold that made me waaaay too incoherent to be allowed near a word processor. Writing Jane when she's in a stressful and morally ambiguous position is hard enough to manage when healthy, y'all. :(
> 
> On the flip side, troll!Jane making her first appearance here on the same day that Jane reappears in canon and asks to make a trollsona? I will accept this amusing timing.


	40. Act 3.7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dirk is back this chapter, so same warnings as last time: he's still in torture cuffs and he still thinks death sounds kinda appealing.

Jane was almost too fast for them to keep up with. She clearly knew the ship's layout like the back of her own hand, making all of her turns without even the slightest hesitation. Even more importantly, the ship knew her too.

She ran right past a group of drones without even a second thought and they ignored her in turn. They didn't, however, allow John and Terezi the same courtesy when they tried to follow her.

John froze even before Terezi had to tell him to. The drones blocked their path in seconds and advanced on them with claws outstretched.

"Jane!" John yelped, reaching for his hammer on instinct as he held his other arm out to protect Terezi.

He worried for a moment that Jane might leave them to fend for themselves, but she skidded to a stop as she glanced over her shoulder. "Hey!" she shouted, running back. She didn't even bother with a weapon as she planted herself between John and the drones. "Back off! Shoo!" She stomped her foot. "You think I don't know what I'm doing with a pupa and a strange alien in tow?" She flung her arm, pointing them away. "Busy yourself elsewhere, you nasty things!"

The drones almost seemed bashful in their movements. They peered over Jane at their would-be targets, backed up a few steps, peeked at John and Terezi again, then finally turned and slunk away.

John breathed easy again. "That was so cool, Jane!"

"When you've lived with them for two thousand sweeps, they become worlds less intimidating!" Jane beckoned them to follow.

"Was it a bluff or could you take them on if you had to?" Terezi asked, catching John's shoulder for guidance as they increased in speed.

"You bet your britches I could!" Jane said with a wink that Terezi could not possibly appreciate. "I know how those suckers fight and I'm a good deal more than they could handle."

To John's relief, it was only another short corridor before they made a turn and saw Kanaya ahead of them. He didn't see Rose yet, but she wouldn't have wandered far from Kanaya.

"That's the empress's block," Jane said, already equipping one of her oversized red forks. "Is the alien in our way a friend of yours or can I take her out?"

"Friend, friend, friend!" John shouted quickly, waving his arms to make sure she got the message. "It's Kanaya!" he added to Terezi, alleviating the confused crease in her brow.

Kanaya stood with her back to a closed door. She did not move to meet them and instead kept her feet rooted to their spot. She nodded when they reached her. "Hello, John. Terezi. Older female John."

"Kanaya, why're you blocking the way?" John asked, slowing as they reached her.

"Rose asked me not to let anyone through."

John frowned. "Uh, but we kinda need to get past you in order to save her and stuff, which is very important."

"I'm sorry, but I am not budging." Kanaya crossed her arms. "If you want in, you will have to find another way around. Perhaps there is a window you can fly through."

Jane sighed loudly and moved forward, her expression dark. "I do not have time to humor alien children and their antics."

"Whoa, no, no, no, wait!" John jumped in front of her, holding both his hands out to push her back if need be. "Let's do this peacefully, okay? We can talk sense into her!" He looked to Terezi. "Terezi, talk sense into her."

Terezi snorted. "Rose fighting her ancestor cannot go well so we should stop her before she gets hurt. Is that blunt enough, Kanaya, or do I need to also point out that she can die Heroically in these circumstances pretty damn easily?"

Kanaya cleared her throat. "She explained the risks to me and made sure that I understood she accepted them as necessary."

"That is a dumb reason not to let us through, when you know what kind of danger Rose is in!" John said, groaning.

"Yeah, c'mon, Kanaya, you love meddling!" Terezi nudged Kanaya right in the chest. John hoped she had meant to aim for the shoulder, because even Terezi was not generally that rude (except to maybe Dave but Dave did not mind it).

"I _am_ meddling." Kanaya leaned back from Terezi's touch, scowling. "I'm just meddling in your affairs instead of my girlfriend's."

John let out an excited yell. "I _knew_ you were dating!"

Terezi facepalmed. "John, this is not the time to announce confirmation of obvious romantic gossip." She shook her head.

Jane had been tapping her foot but she finally let out an aggravated growl. "All right, I'm sorry for not allowing you more time, but I've been detoured long enough by your shenanigans!" She glared straight at Kanaya. "Please _move_."

Kanaya's eyes rolled into the back of her head and she collapsed on the spot.

Deja vu washed over John, but he didn't have time to contemplate why when one of his friends was about to hit the floor. He leapt forward to catch her, landing on his knees in the effort. Terezi knelt next to him in the next moment, feeling for Kanaya's pulse.

John looked over his shoulder at Jane and was relieved to see that she was gaping in horror; that probably meant it was just an accident and not intentional. "What the hell did you do to her?" he said.

"I don't know! I was trying to make her walk away, not collapse!" She covered her face with both hands. "Oh, fuck and tarnation, sometimes the mind control doesn't work right on aliens."

Terezi held a hand over Kanaya's nostrils to check for breathing, then straightened. "Yeah, shut up and calm down, she's just asleep."

"Oh, thank heavens." The tension eased from Jane's shoulders. "Is it normal for your race to fall asleep out of nowhere like that?"

John nodded, the deja vu still fresh in his mind. An image flashed in his memory of a similar incident when he saw a human slip into sleep seemingly at the drop of a hat. "I think so, 'cos it happened to me once too. Vriska fell asleep really suddenly on her Quest Cocoon even though she wasn't remotely sleepy."

"I thought you didn't have mind control?" Jane asked.

"Yeah, I don't."

Terezi raised an eyebrow. "Kind of sounds like you do, Egbert Junior."

"What? No, don't be dumb." John snorted. "It's just kind of a funny coincidence."

"Your thick-headedness would be hilarious at any other time, so feel free to take an I.O.U. that I may laugh in your face later. Right now, though..." Terezi wrapped her arms around Kanaya's waist and stood, propping her up. "Jane, can you do your mind thing again and see if it wakes her?"

Jane nodded and stepped closer. "I'll try." She furrowed her brow and stared hard at Kanaya.

Kanaya's eyes flickered and she let out a quiet moan, twitching in Terezi's arms.

"Hey, Kanaya," Terezi murmured soothingly, "you collapsed on the ground, so the Egberts are just gonna walk past and meddle with Rose now."

Kanaya snapped her head up. "Wh-wha?"

There was a scream on the other side of the door. John's blood turn cold, but he couldn't tell if it was Rose's voice or not. There was too much of a robotic filter masking the voice. Even Kanaya looked to the door with horror and didn't stop Jane when she lunged for it.

The door didn't budge. Jane reached for the control console on the wall beside it and jammed code after code into it, swearing under her breath after every beep that marked a failure to unlock. She slapped the buttons and let out a muffled yell, then took a step back. She breathed deeply before slamming her shoulder against the door so hard that it broke off the frame.

Kanaya was the first to run in after Jane.

* * *

Being trapped in a dark, empty cell was actually boring as shit. Who knew?

Dave clasped his hands behind his head as he leaned back against the wall next to Dirk. "How long you been stuck in here anyway?"

Dirk watched him out of the corner of his eyes, his expression holding a poker face the likes of which Dave wished he could emulate more often. "Haven't exactly had a calendar around to keep track of time."

Dave wrinkled his nose. "So we're talkin' sweeps."

"Start at centuries," Dirk said, voice heavy.

Dave almost choked. "No fucking way. The hell could you _stand_ this place that long?" He repressed a shudder. He couldn't imagine spending a week in such a desolate room, let alone fucking _sweeps._ Never mind that Dirk didn't even look that much older than him.

"Clearly I FLARP on the weekends and invite my friends to slam poetry meets at least once a perigee to keep my mind stimulated." Dirk rolled his eyes. "Doesn't matter if I can stand it or not if I never had any damn choice in the matter, dumbass." He nudged Dave's leg with a foot.

"Well, we're both breaking out when my friends get here." Dave dislodged an arm to nudge Dirk right back in the ribs -- which was maybe a little unfair given that he actually had the ability to use his arms, but tough shit. "It'll be the most sweetass prison break on record. His Honorable Tyranny himself would resign in shame if he heard of it, if he hadn't been smashed by a bunch of meteors already."

Dirk let out a short, quiet laugh. "Yeah, no offense, but I'm sort of over waiting on a rescue team. No one's broken through that door before." He grimaced and muttered, "God knows Jake tried."

"Who?"

"Doesn't matter," Dirk said, averting his gaze. "Point is, a grownass troll couldn't break out of here, so I don't have high hopes for your ragtag team of wigglers."

Dave snorted. "Hey, fuck you, if nothing else my moirail can just teleport us out."

"They psychic or something?"

"Nah, it's more of that game shit I was talking about." Dave held his hands in front of him as if he was carrying a small box, slowly drawing them apart as he'd seen Jade do so many times when she was resizing something. "She gets to manipulate objects and teleport them and shit, other friend gets to throw wind around, I get to control time, et cetera."

"Yeah, you're not helping my skepticism any," Dirk said, raising an eyebrow.

Dave crossed his arms. "What, you don't think I can control time?"

"I'm willing to be convinced, but that kinda claim needs evidence first."

Dave fought off a scowl. No Dave from the future appeared, so clearly regular looping was out of the question even if he had his timetables, and the rest of the damn room was empty. "There's not exactly anything to demonstrate on and I can't time travel without my timetables."

"Convenient."

"It is the exact fucking opposite." Dave slumped against the wall with a grunt. "My powers are like the booby prize around here. Everyone else got up to the counter first, claimed all the useful shit. By the time I elbowed my way up there, guy working the stand was all, sorry, kid, we're fresh out. But he felt bad for me and dug around in the back until he found something no one else wanted that kinda tries to get me killed, but hey." He shrugged. "Just makes me a badass for wading my way through Hard Mode and coming out the other side alive."

"You just make all that shit up off the top of your head?" Dirk smirked. "Maybe we actually are related. Still not sold on the time powers thing yet though."

"That's cool. You're too young to have been here as long as you say, by the way, if we're discussing ridiculous-sounding claims."

"Hate to say it, but I ain't got an explanation for that. Guess we'll have to take each other's word for it then. Or assume our cellmate is either a lunatic or a compulsive liar."

Dave held both palms up in mock offense. "Whoa, bro, what're you even saying?" he said. "We definitely gotta go with all three at once."

Dirk chuckled. "Probably close enough to the truth, at this point."

There were two loud thuds against the door to their cell. Dave spread his arms towards the door, the smug "ta-da" silent but implied. "Terezi?" he called, wandering closer to the door to listen for a response.

"Hey, fuckface," Karkat shouted back, his voice barely muffled even with a steel door between them.

Dave cringed. "Hey... Vantas. You're... sorta not the rescue squad I was hoping for."

"Yeah, too bad. Also, I've got your glitchy clone here."

Dave facepalmed. "Okay, you've convinced me. This is officially the worst rescue squad ever."

"Figured this was about what you deserved. They hurt you at all?"

"Not really," Dave said, holding back a frustrated sigh.

"That sucks."

"You actually gonna break me out or are you just here to blackflirt?" Dave pulled at his bangs and concentrated all of his energy on keeping his voice flat.

"I've more important shit to do than taunt you all day, so yeah, we're busting you out. Soon as, uh..." Karkat trailed off for a moment. When he spoke again, his voice traveled differently, as if he was calling to someone else. "Hey, how the fuck do we open this anyway?"

When Dave listened closely, he could make out quieter and muffled voices replying to Karkat, but he couldn't even be certain who they were. He _thought_ he heard Jade, but there was also a male voice he couldn't place no matter how hard he tried and he didn't hear Terezi at all.

He wandered back to Dirk with a casual shrug. "They've got this. We'll make it out," he said, and tried not to notice how unimpressed Dirk's expression was.

Just in time to save him face, Jade teleported in a moment later, bringing along two other figures. Uh, three others. Karkat was carrying Daveglitch as if the glitchy asshole was a fucking useless wiggler or something. Dave didn't know who the hell the last guy was, but he sort of looked like an older, male Jade, lime blood and all.

Terezi was missing. So was John, for that matter, and it was hard to imagine him abandoning Karkat for shit.

The strange adult's entire demeanor seemed to droop as he looked over the cell. "Oh, crumbs."

"Dave!" Jade called as she spotted him, grinning from ear to ear.

Dave cocked his head. "Okay, y'all didn't even _try_ to put together a rescue party that made fucking sense. Where's Terezi?"

"She's with John. Something came up and he needed her help to find Rose." She gestured at the stranger, her smile widening somehow. "Jake led us here instead! He's my ancestor."

Well, shit, guess it was "Meet Your Ancestor" night on the empress's ship or something. The guy didn't really look all that comfortable, but maybe he was shy or something. "See, told ya my friends would come through," Dave said, turning back to Dirk. He made a point not to sound too smug, but Dirk was staring at the newcomers instead of him. Dave cleared his throat. "Yo, Dirk, this is my moirail and her friend the obnoxious alien, who is..." He frowned. "What the hell are you carrying my doomed ass around for, Vantas? He dead?"

Karkat glared and let Daveglitch's legs drop to the floor, still keeping his other arm snug around Daveglitch's shoulders. It looked as though Daveglitch would have collapsed if he didn't have Karkat holding him up.

Jade leaned in close to Dave. "He's nearly catatonic, Dave. He's been timelooping at the glitch's command for over a million sweeps," she whispered.

The air turned cold and Dave's stomach made a weird lurch that he didn't want to think about. "Oh." Time travel. Awesome. That's really all there was to say on the matter.

"Er, Jade?" Jade's ancestor -- Jake or whatever -- said, carefully examining a blank wall. "If you're not planning to vamoose out of here soon, maybe you should send me back to watch for drones. You really don't need me in here anyway."

Jade frowned. "But-"

"What's the rush, Harley?" Dirk said suddenly, his expression unreadable. "How many sweeps has it even been since you were last in here? Y'know what time's like when you're a captive."

"Almost five hundred sweeps," Jake murmured, glancing towards Dirk for maybe half a second before finding his shoes the most fascinating things in the block.

"That all? Felt like fucking forever on my end," Dirk said, voice filled with enough venom that Dave involuntarily took a step back.

Dave glanced at Jade, whose initial excitement was slowly fading along with her smile. Karkat just furrowed his brow and shrugged.

Jake winced but still wouldn't look at Dirk. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, nothing shows how fucking sorry you are like leaving me to rot for apparently five hundred goddamn sweeps," Dirk growled.

Jake straightened and turned a glare on Dirk. "Jane gave you _more_ than ample opportunity to get yourself out of this fix-"

"You mean she asked me to fucking work for the same monster that's holding Roxy captive?" Dirk said, curling his lip.

"And how much good has it done you to stay locked in here, Strider?" Jake said, raising his voice and speaking faster. "You think Roxy feels better knowing her friend won't free himself from torture out of sheer stubbornness?" He flicked a hand towards Dirk's wrists. "Do those cuffs really hurt less than wounded pride?"

"Last I checked, death is the most painless option at my disposal, but my kismesis is too much of a torso pillarless coward to do the job!"

Jake tensed and bore his teeth a little when he shouted, "I'm _not killing you_ , you selfish nookbite!"

Jade's excitement had completely faded, leaving only an expression a kicked barkbeast might wear after its wiggler betrayed it. "You two... vacillated?" She glanced between the two adults. "Jake, you _abandoned_ your matesprit to... to be tortured alone?"

Jake covered his face with a hand and groaned. "I spent over a thousand sweeps tolerating his self-important stunts. There's only so much anyone can take before they've had _enough_ of staying captive in the dark because their quadrantmate has an ego so large that a single block can't possibly contain it!"

Dirk scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Didn't realize 'ego' was synonymous with 'unwilling to betray Roxy's trust.' But if you refuse to listen when someone unambiguously tells you in plain words to fucking kill them, I shouldn't be surprised you couldn't grasp what she's been asking for either."

Jake spun on him. "You can't see why Jane and I gave up reasoning with you, even now?" He threw an arm in the air. "It's not even been two damn minutes and you're back at guilting me for not murdering our friends!"

"God, I forgot, it's _way_ more moral to sit back and let your friends be tortured for goddamn sweeps on end." Dirk's face contorted in disgust, the most emotion Dave had seen on his face so far. "You weren't in here ten seconds before you were trying to run away."

"And you wonder why no one can stand to be around you, when you always take lip like that?"

"I never fucking wondered that. The only thing you've managed to confuse me on is why you won't just goddamn _end_ this," Dirk said between gritted teeth. "Unless you get off in the middle of the day with fantasies of how much excruciating pain your kismesis must be in every second of every goddamn night."

Jake's face flushed green and he cringed. "Now see here, just because I won't stoop to _murder_ on demand doesn't mean-"

Jake was interrupted by a deafening bang that made Dave's blood pusher just about leap into his throat from surprise. Dirk's head slumped down as the rest of his body went limp. Bright red blood trickled down his face from a hole between his eyes.

Dave tore his gaze away from the morbid sight, instead looking to the only known markswoman in the block. Jade's lips were thin and her eyes were hard as she lowered her rifle.

Jake stumbled back. "What did you just do?" he said, his voice weak.

"What you should have done sweeps ago, sir," she said, her voice perfectly even as she returned her weapon to her sylladex.

"Holy shit, Jade," Dave said, remembering to breathe again finally. Goddamn, he was just starting to get used to the idea of having an ancestor. The guy was really cool, too.

" _Why_?" Jake said, looking pained. "Y-you just killed-"

"He was in so much pain and you just let him suffer," Jade said, her hands trembling. She balled them into fists.

"We could have broken him free!"

"He saw we were here to stage a rescue, yet all he talked about was dying!" she said, her voice harsher than Dave had ever heard it. "He wasn't supposed to be alive this long and he knew it! If you'd had any real pity for him, you wouldn't have let him reach such a low point that he didn't even want to be rescued anymore!"

Jake looked as if he'd been slapped, which he might as well have been, given that Jade's verbal assault pulled no punches. He staggered to Dirk and cupped his face, staring into his dead eyes. He took a deep, shaky breath. "C... can any of your strange powers at least free him from these damned manacles?"

"I'm sorry," Jade said. "It's too late for that to make a difference."

"I know that!" Jake snapped. "But the last thing he deserves is to literally rot in the restraints that made him so miserable!" His voice broke. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean... Just... Please..."

Jade hesitated. "I can do that much for him," she said, her tone turning softer.

She raised a hand and flicked her fingers. On cue, the overheated manacles expanded to twice their regular size, leaving holes large enough that Dirk's hands slipped right out of them. He would have collapsed to the floor if Jake hadn't caught him and lowered him slowly instead. Dirk's wrists were covered in rotten, melted skin where the heat had burned into him non-stop for centuries.

Jake settled on his knees, petting Dirk's face for a moment before pulling his head onto his lap. He gripped one of Dirk's hands. "I'm sorry," he said, shoulders shaking. "Dirk, I'm so sorry." He clenched his eyes shut before he broke into sobs.

Jade turned away, her shoulders tense.

Karkat looked awkward, patting Daveglitch's shoulder as if the comatose asshole was the one remotely traumatized by recent events. "Should we... should we just leave now or..." he whispered.

Dave ignored the question when Jade did. He stepped over to her and caught her elbow. "Jade, was that, uh... You sure you should've done that?" he said. "You're not usually the type to, like... shoot people dead."

"I had to." Her voice was tight. "I'm really, really sorry about your ancestor, but I had to finish what mine wouldn't."

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Don't seem like you're too okay with that."

"No, I'm f-fine." A tear dripped out of her eye and she quickly wiped it away. "I'm just c-crying because he's crying and it's _really hard_ not to cry a little when someone else is, you know?" She sniffed. "I didn't realize he'd be so _sad_ , th-that's all."

"You just killed his damn quadrantmate." He pulled her into a hug and nuzzled against her shoulder. "Who was a really fuckin' cool guy, by the way. Of course the dude's sad."

"The p-poor thing had been through enough, Dave, and my ancestor w-wouldn't even _help_ him." She squeezed Dave, breathing deeply. "I _had_ to fix things, even if it feels awful."

"Shouldn't have been on you, Harley," he murmured. "Shit, that crap shouldn't have been on anyone. Only guy worthy of passing the blame to is the staticy asshole Vantas is looking after."

Karkat's head snapped up. "Hey, you leave Daveglitch out of this!" he said, scowling.

Dave sighed. "Do you even think words before you say them or do you just throw random syllables together and hope they make sense?"

"He's not possessed right now." Karkat held Daveglitch closer and rubbed his back. "It's not his damn fault some poor asshole got tortured under the glitch's orders."

Jade took a deep breath and gave her eyes one last rub. "He's right," she said, voice still a little shaky. "It's _our_ fault any of this happened to begin with, so it's only right we clean up this mess."

Dave groaned. "That is a pile of hoofbeast manure and we all know-"

The room lit up and Jake's crying broke off in a gasp. All three of them froze, turning their attention to the unexplained light source. A bright glow that changed colors so fast it was almost dizzying had enveloped Dirk's body. Even the small puddle of blood on the floor flashed in the different colors.

It only lasted a moment, to Dave's relief -- he wasn't sure his think pan could handle much more without shutting down from overstimulation in the visual department. The glow faded, leaving Dirk mostly the same as before, except without the bullet wound in his forehead. Also, he was breathing and moving and alive again.

"Dirk?" Jake said, voice still broken.

Dirk raised his hands to stare at them. His wrists were still encircled with deep scarring, but the wounds were healed. He flexed his fingers. "This another hallucination?"

"No." Jake caught one of Dirk's hands and pulled it close. "No, this is real, I promise. You're free of those abhorrent things."

"How the hell did I even get here?" Dirk said, voice scratchy.

Tears dripped down Jake's face again. "I don't know and I don't give a single hoot so long as you're okay." He pulled Dirk into a rough kiss. They nipped at each other's lips as Dirk ran a claw down Jake's arm, drawing a trickle of blood.

"The fuck just happened?" Karkat said, a gasp in the back of his voice.

"A little violence is normal in blackrom, don't worry," Jade whispered to him.

Karkat blushed. "I was talking about the coming back from the dead shit!"

"He's fucking God Tier," Dave said, the words tumbling out of his mouth even though he knew they were wrong.

"But that's not actually possible." Jade frowned. "He never even entered the game and he doesn't have a fun costume!"

"Jade, I've seen John die before, with the lights and shit. That was a God Tier revival."

Dirk broke away from Jake's kiss. "The fuck are-" He shoved Jake back when he tried hugging Dirk. "Jake, quit it, you're fucking embarrassing us." He sat up, allowing Jake to cling to one of his hands at least. "The fuck are you on about, kid? Why the hell was I unconscious?"

"Jade shot you, dude." Dave tapped the middle of his own forehead twice. "Right in the head. You died."

"What."

"Uh, we may be jumping to conclusions a bit!" Jade said with a forced smile. "I mean, there's no way they could have even been connected to the game enough to..." She trailed off, her eyes going wide. "Wait... Wait, oh my gosh." She spun on Karkat and ran over. "TG, do you know about this?" She cupped Daveglitch's face and forced his gaze to meet hers. "TG! Listen to me, please, and answer! Are our ancestors all God Tier?"

Daveglitch didn't seem about to reply from where Dave stood, but after Jade gave him a light shake he said, "Yes."

"Why are our ancestors God Tier?" she said slowly, as if she was talking to a wiggler or something else that needed constant context to follow along. Dave swallowed a shudder at seeing anything with his face addressed that way.

Daveglitch's mouth opened, moving silently for a moment as if he couldn't remember how to use words. Finally he said, "C0uldn't let them d1e. The bluebl00d 1s useful to 1t me us." The last three words flowed together as if it was a single word. Daveglitch's head twitched. "All ect0b10l0g1cal cl0nes have the p0tent1al to bec0me game players; they have all 0f the c0d1ng. Just had t0 1nf1ltrate 1t and change a b00lean fr0m the default. [godTier = false]. Ed1ted 1t t0 [godTier = true]. They can't d1e n0w. Su1c1de 1s [heroic = false], [just = false]."

Jade's brow furrowed. "So you _cheated_ them to God Tier."

"Yes," Daveglitch said, for the first time without hesitation.

Jade exchanged uncertain glances with Karkat and then Dave. Beautiful, so the glitch still had some leeway leftover from Sgrub. Life was great.

Dirk stumbled to his feet with Jake's support. "What the hell does that all mean?" he said. "Did you guys understand a word of that mangled programming?"

"Sure did. Congratulations." Dave gave him a thumbs up. Given the whole suicide angle, the thumbs up was the most ironic gesture he could think of. "You're effectively goddamn immortal, dudes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the records state that I actually love Dirkjake in the flushed quadrant. I just love drama more.
> 
> I know fan perceptions of the caliginous quadrant vary since, uh... the examples of kismesissitude we've seen so far in canon are either quite brief or unhealthy. So if it's not already obvious, I'm a fan of the interpretation that a good kismesissitude involves some amount of unconventional yet genuine affection. It's just that said affection goes in a rather warped direction of "I hate your smug face SO MUCH and I want to reach your level just so I can show you up... so you'd better not lose to anyone else because you're MY rival and I'll lose my sense of direction without you!"


	41. Act 3.8

Rose might have underestimated her ancestor a little. It hadn't seemed a stretch to assume that her God Tier status coupled with a decently high echeladder level would give her advantage over some adult who had never even entered Sgrub, let alone played and defeated it, but the Luminary matched her strength easily.

Rose's needles were the comparatively more versatile weapons, allowing both ranged attacks and melee, but the latter didn't do her much good when the Luminary wouldn't let her near. Even though they shared a strife specibus, the Luminary's technique was nothing like Jade's careful sniping; she used her ranged weapon as if it was meant to be a brawler.

Every time Rose tried to charge forward and land a physical hit, the Luminary shot a laser blast in her path that left scorch marks on the floor. It was difficult to adjust to defending against that style of rifle usage when she was used to a much subtler approach and Rose honestly wasn't sure who had the upperhand.

"How long have you been empress? Two thousands sweeps?" Rose asked as she darted away, though there was no such thing as "out of range" in the block that made their arena. "You expect me to believe you're okay continuing this half-existence?"

The Luminary hoisted her weapon, taking aim. "Ju/st bec%ause it su_cKs d0e$n't m-eaN I'm a bi#g En0ugh b1tch To paSs it 0n to tHe n&ext heirEsS." She pulled the trigger.

Rose dove to the side and rolled out of the way of the ensuing blast. It was some wonder that the glass-like walls could stand up to such blows, but they were built sturdy enough to survive space travel. "And what if this heiress would gladly take the burden?"

"T#hen I'Ll m3rcy-k1ll hEr so shE do_esN't ha/ve to f*ind 0ut for her%self just how dam#n wr0ng She i$." The Luminary fired shot after shot at Rose, the barrel of her gun following Rose's movements across the block.

Rose struggled to find a safe moment to return fire; it was enough trouble just dodging the lasers chasing her into a corner. She flipped off the wall, the maneuver far simpler than it used to be now that she could fly, and shot a bolt of magic at the Luminary as she landed. "It can't be that bad if you've survived this long without succumbing to the temptation to pass the torch to the next generation."

The Luminary dodged the attack with enough grace to make Rose seethe in envy. "Y\0u so(reLy undere%stimat/e how fuCkin' sTubb0rn I ca#n be wh*en I pUt my min_d to 1t." She aimed her rifle again.

Rose readied another spell, waiting for the precise moment to strike. She couldn't afford to let the Luminary back her into a corner again. "That is frighteningly stubborn, if you're torturing yourself just on principle."

"A&nd yo_U ain't eVen m3t my fr^iend."

The Luminary pulled the trigger and Rose flew to the ceiling to dodge the laser, returning the attack with a blast from one of her needles. The Luminary backed up fast enough to avoid the brunt of the spell, but it hit the rifle at full force, knocking it out of her hands so that it skidded across the floor and slammed into a wall.

Rose charged forward before the Luminary could reach for a replacement weapon. She aimed both needles at the Luminary's chest, not daring to pull any punches or underestimate her enemy's abilities, but the Luminary still managed to take her by surprise. Instead of even trying to dodge or retrieve a new rifle, the Luminary simply stepped back and raised her fists. She swiped an arm just as Rose came within range, knocking her attack off-course, and followed it up with a swift punch to the gut that sent Rose sprawling over the floor.

Of course the empress would keep a bare-handed strife deck as backup.

Rose stumbled to her feet and kept her distance, swallowing hard as she tried not to cringe or otherwise acknowledge the pain around her midriff. She wouldn't be able to take many direct hits like that.

"Mind if I ask, how much of this is you and how much is it the glitch in control?" she said when she dared to trust her voice to stay steady.

"R1gh^t n0w, gimm3 ab0ut thirtY perc%ent cRed1t." The Luminary shrugged, pacing to match Rose's movements. "If I waNted to f0rfei-t, I c0uld tot^es fu**ck it u^p eno_uGh I'd di/e, bUt thAt's 'cos th1s th#ing do/n't rEAlly car_e about m3 so lonG as 1t ca\n have yOu neXt. Most'a the tiMe, I'm lu[cky if I've got ten percen%t co*ntrol."

Rose kept her weapons raised. "So it's not every day you get to monologue as you vanquish your enemies."

"Hey, fUck yo(u, it's n0t a mon^ologue if yoU taLk ba_ck. We're 3qually distrActeD 'rOund he#re." The Luminary finally fished out a new rifle. It was barely out of her sylladex before the barrel was aimed straight at Rose's blood pusher. "Mayb)e you 0ugh-ta t3ll me wh#y you're dumb% en=ough to w-anna Take o_ver from m3. Lea$t the ot%her g1rls didN't kno-w about the p0ssessi/on cr*ap."

"I just wouldn't want to let all of Gl'bgolyb's royalty training go to waste."

The Luminary grinned as she fired after Rose. "Aw, s*h*it, wE ha/d the sam%e lUsus, didN't w3? H0w's ol' Glu+bby?"

Rose dodged. It hurt to move that fast. "Dead. Before that, terse and unsupportive."

"S0unds lik/e he)r, all ri%ght," the Luminary said, sounding unconcerned. It shouldn't have surprised Rose that Gl'bgolyb failed to leave much of an impression on any of her wigglers. "I $ee you th1nK I've mi-ss_ed that you dod^ge-d my qu&estion. L&emMe wArn y0u I mo$t certai^nly did fuck*ing n/ot."

"Noted." Rose breathed heavily. "Perhaps my true motivations are too complicated to explain without breaking into an actual monologue."

"But 1f yo_u d^id thAt, tha/t'd gUarant%ee a wi^n f0r me. Don'T yoU w_ann#a maKe mY life ea)si3r?"

Rose planted her feet and faced the Luminary head-on. She didn't know if her powers were compatible with this technique, but her options were running low. Sensing a fortuitous outcome was trying when luck had all but ebbed away. "Nothing personal, but no. I don't want to die for your sake, even a little." As the Luminary fired her weapon, Rose concentrated all of her energy into the tips of both of her needles.

The Luminary's laser crashed directly into Rose's spell and the room lit up in a blinding light. Rose forced herself to stare into it without Kanaya there to guide her through the painful part. She channeled all of her concentration, all of her power and energy, into strengthening the spell.

Her spell pressed forward until the two forces exploded in the Luminary's face. Even Rose's legs rocked from the force as the projectiles went out with a bang. The Luminary slammed into the wall and slid to the floor, her eyes closed.

Rose went still, breathing deeply and trying to calm her blood pusher to a normal rate. She didn't dare lower her guard until the Luminary remained unmoving for longer than ten seconds. Swallowing and still gasping for breath, Rose wandered closer.

The glitch's static flickered over her body and, if Rose peered closely to see, the Luminary still breathed. She was only K.O.'d, not dead. That wasn't as comforting a thought as it could be. So long as the glitch possessed her, the Luminary would never stop being a dangerous threat.

Rose raised a needle, then paused as her Seer instincts kicked back into gear. The battle was too recent. Her actions would still be self-defense.

She waited. For some reason, that was what she sensed would result in the most fortuitous path.

Still self-defense.

She waited longer, watching the Luminary helpless and unconscious. She twitched and groaned quietly, not far from waking again.

It changed from self-defense straight to murder.

Rose drove the needle straight down into the Luminary's blood pusher, showering her arm in a splatter of fuchsia blood and static. No sooner had the Luminary coughed up a bloody final breath, the glitch exploded out of her corpse.

Rose backed away as fast as she could but the static was already aimed for her. She fired another shot of magic into the mess but she might as well have thrown a bottle of water at it, for the amount of good it did.

The glitch enveloped her. She'd expected it to hurt but she'd had no point of reference for the kind of pain that came with the possession. It felt as if a thousand grains of sand were trying to pelt their way through her skin -- trying and slowly but surely succeeding. She screamed but the voice sounded nothing like her own, bogged down by a robotic filter.

It _h/uR*t_. She should have been bleeding, surely, but all she saw when she inspected an arm was gray skin covered in specks of static without a wound in sight. How long was it supposed to hurt? Had the Luminary lived through this pain for sweeps? Had Daveglitch?

It had to wear off eventually. It was already starting to ebb away, replaced by numbness. She clenched her hands and tried to maintain control over her movements; she wasn't proud enough to believe herself capable of fighting the glitch off singlehandedly, but she'd be damned if she let it win without a decent fight.

She heard an unfamiliar voice cry out, "No!"

Rose struggled to turn her head to follow the movement of the newcomer. Someone had gotten past Kanaya? She caught a glimpse of short hair and a flash of cerulean under glasses. "J0/hn?" The word stumbled out of her mouth, even though she knew John wasn't that tall and his eyes hadn't changed yet.

The ceruleanblood intruder ignored her and collapsed next to the Luminary, kneeling over her. "Roxy! Roxy, please, don't be dead!"

Another voice snapped Rose's attention away, its familiarity at once comforting and alarming. " _Rose!_ " Kanaya was supposed to stand guard, not come running right into the danger.

Rose raised a shaking hand. "K%a..."

Kanaya slammed into her with enough force that Rose stumbled backwards. A wave of blackness washed over them. It shoved the static away like a barrier as it painted the air in darkness until the block vanished from sight altogether and left only the two of them in a strange emptiness. The pain faded along with the static and Rose's limbs had never felt more limp.

On the one hand, the glitch was gone, ripped out of her body before it could take root as it had with the Luminary and Daveglitch. On the other, everything else was gone too. Rose wasn't even sure what they were standing on. Though they were surrounded by darkness, neither of them were shadowed.

"Ka..." Rose's voice came out strained and she broke into a fit of coughing. "Kanaya?" She held a hand over her throat as she breathed deeply. "What... is this?"

Kanaya slowly eased her grip on Rose. "I... I think it's my Aspect." She scanned their surroundings with a frown. "It's never come this naturally to me, but then, I've never been so desperate to utilize it." She cupped Rose's face, forcing her to stand up straight and stare into Kanaya's worried eyes. "Are you all right? Is it gone?"

Rose felt heat rise in her cheeks. "It... it didn't have a strong hold on me yet. You stopped it before it could finish."

Kanaya relaxed and slumped against Rose's shoulder. "Thank god."

Rose wrapped an arm around her, holding her close. "So this is what a Sylph can do." She stretched her free arm out until her fingers bumped against an invisible barrier, the darkness turning solid -- pliable yet unbreaking, almost like rubber. She traced it with her fingertips as far as she could without breaking from Kanaya. Though the space surrounding them seemed unlimited, there didn't appear to be much to it after all. "Can you get us back?"

"Won't it be waiting for you?" Kanaya raised her head.

"I don't think so. I'd be more concerned that it targeted someone new once its preferred host disappeared."

Kanaya's eyes widened. "Terezi and John were right behind me."

Rose clasped Kanaya's hand and said, "Then let's get the hell back there."

Kanaya nodded, audibly swallowing. "I think it... went like..." She raised a hand. "...this."

The emptiness ripped open inch by inch like a tear in fabric, showering them in natural light. Rose couldn't see what was outside, but she ran for it all the same, holding tight to Kanaya and trusting that they'd set foot back on the empress's ship.

Whether Kanaya had actually mastered her aspect or not, she at least had enough control to return them exactly where they'd left off. The observation block was more than a little scuffed up in the wake of the duel, but as far as Rose could see, the glitch was gone for the time being. A female adult troll who looked remarkably like John held the Luminary's lifeless body while John described the situation to Terezi.

"Well, they just _disappeared_ like- like-" He waved an arm towards Rose and Kanaya, then froze as his gaze followed his own gesture. "Rose?"

Rose slid her bangs out of her eyes. "Hi, John."

He shot over to catch her in a tight hug. "Man, don't scare us like that!" he shouted. "Since when does Kanaya know how to teleport like Jade can?"

Kanaya blushed and mumbled, "It's not like Jade's. But since about two minutes ago."

Terezi snorted as she tapped her way over. "Still should've warned us, assholes. I've got two distressed Egberts and two seemingly dead Lalondes over here when I should've only had one each."

"Noted." Rose patted the back of John's neck before dislodging herself from his grip. "What happened to the glitch after we left?"

"Uhhh, it kinda just went bzz-bzz and fizzled away." He waggled his fingers and made an accompanying sound effect.

"I doubt it's gone far." Rose scanned the block for signs of static but found nothing. She settled her attention on her ancestor's corpse, along with the other adult quietly grieving over her. "Who's this... second Egbert?" she murmured to John. "There weren't supposed to be other trolls here."

"That's Jane, my ancestor. She's a badass mind reader who was kind of blackmailed into helping the glitch. I think she was mentioned in those books you were reading with Jade, so you know about her already." John frowned and wandered closer to the adults, rubbing the back of his neck. "Um, I'm sorry about your friend, Jane. That really sucks and stuff."

"Everything I did for her was pointless." Jane's voice was thick.

John shrugged. "Yeah, probably. You can still help us make things better for everyone else though, so that's good at least, right?"

Jane wiped at her eyes. "I hope you don't take this personally, John, but I'm not particularly leaping at the chance to team up with Roxy's murderer."

Rose set a hand on John's shoulder and shushed him before he could say anything else insensitive. "I'm sorry you feel that way," she said to Jane. "I did what I had to, but I understand if that's of little comfort to you." She considered her for a moment. "Do you intend to take revenge?"

Jane raised her head to meet her gaze. For a split second, Rose thought she saw a flash of hatred, but it faded to misery as Jane shook her head. "No." She gripped the Luminary's hand. "I don't want to kill anymore."

Kanaya cleared her throat and whispered to Rose, "Should we just leave then?"

It may have been foolhardy to turn their back to Jane, but Rose didn't believe she'd cause them harm. As she took a step to follow Kanaya's suggestion, a spark in her mind practically drenched her with the command to stay still. "There's still something we can't miss here," she said.

"It's not dangerous, is it?" Kanaya said, catching Rose's hand and pulling her closer.

Rose smiled and patted Kanaya's hand in reassurance. "I don't think you'll be rushing to my aid against direct orders to stand guard, no." She set her sights on the Luminary. Unless something was about to smash through the wall, Rose didn't see what else could have picked up her Seer intuition.

She fought the urge to pump her fist in vindication a few moments later when the Luminary's corpse burst into a flash of colored light. Unless glitch possession came with odder side effects than expected, she was God Tier. That explained Rose's instinct to hold back on killing her too fast: self-defense might have swung her death to the Just side of things.

"What's everyone gasping over?" Terezi said with a furrowed brow. "I'm assuming the lack of screams means it's something cool and not shitty."

Jane spun on them, her eyes wide in horror. "Are you doing this to her?"

John waved his arms. "Nooo, this is totally normal and we can't control it even if we wanted to! She's just coming back to life!"

"Wh-what? That's not possi..." She fell silent as the bright light of God Tier faded, leaving behind the Luminary's freshly healed body.

The Luminary screwed up her face before opening her eyes and groaning. She sat up and blinked as she turned her head. "Uh. Whaaat just happened?" She cleared her throat, holding a hand against her neck. "Why's my voice not awful robo shit?"

Jane covered her mouth with both hands as tears spilled from her gander bulbs. "Roxy, you were dead."

The Luminary wrinkled her nose. "What, so this is the afterlife? 'Cos it kinda looks like my stupid ship again."

Jane laughed and pulled her into a hug, pressing her face into the Luminary's shoulder and rocking her.

"Wait, how can you be God Tier and not fucking _know_ it?" John said with a furrowed brow.

The Luminary looked up, patting Jane's back. " _What_ tier?"

"It's the thing that let you come back to life!"

Jane straightened and wiped at her eyes. "I knew the glitch had done some nonsense to keep us from aging." She sniffed, her mouth cracking into a smile. "I hadn't an inkling it could bring people back from the dead."

"It's conditional immortality," Rose said. "Die in a heroic or just fashion and you'll stay down. Anything else gives you a free replay. Hence, your murder resulted in resurrection."

The Luminary perked up. "Aw, sweet! So I really was dead?" She patted Jane's shoulder before gently pushing her away so she could straighten and face Rose instead. "That's fucking clever, girl. You really got rid of that thing?" She held a fist up towards Rose.

Rose cleared her throat and glanced away. She'd always braced herself for facing a fist to the face, not a fistbump, should she ever interact with her ancestor. Fuchsiabloods were supposed to be wired to attack each other, weren't they? Or was that more of the glitch's work? "It's been purged from our bloodline at least, yes."

"You could have said you knew how to do that, ya know." The Luminary got tired of waiting for a return fist and just nudged Rose's shoulder instead. "I woulda actually cooperated."

"I wasn't actually sure whether my attempts would end so well."

The Luminary chuckled. "Okay, so that's where you bluff. Jeez, what did Glubby teach you about proper ruling?" She shook her head with a sigh. "You gotta fuckin' fake it." She frowned. "I mean, we didn't get a choice in the end, which kinda sucked, but still." She shrugged and shot Rose a smile. "Thanks for getting me out of that crap, either way."

"Of course she wasn't going to let the glitch keep possessing you, Ms. Empress!" John said.

The Luminary let out a snort of laughter. "Ms. Empress? Any group of pupas that can kill the empress don't need to be all formal 'n shit with stuffy titles. I'm Roxy Lalonde." She nodded to Rose. "Think you're probably a Lalonde too, if the sign on your shirt's accurate."

Rose nodded, keeping her head bowed afterwards. "It is. Rose, though."

"Fuck yeah, go figure your name's pretty to match the rest of you. I always wanted a cute descendant that I didn't have to kill," Roxy said and Rose had to fight down a blush. Roxy nudged Jane with an elbow and nodded to John. "Jane, did you get one too?"

Jane glanced at John. "Um... w-well, that's what he claims to be!"

John waved. "Hi, Rose's ancestor! I'm John, and also Rose's moirail." He gestured to the humans and Kanaya made a quick curtsy on cue. "And just so you know, our alien friends are Kanaya and Terezi."

Roxy gasped and pulled Jane over by the shoulders, holding her close. "Oh my god, Janey, our descendants are adorable moirails. That's the best thing to wake up from the dead to."

Jane blushed. "This surely can't be real even? It's so... farfetched."

"But super awesome!" Roxy nuzzled her cheek.

"Yeah, it's pretty crazy," John said. "We met Jade's ancestor too and Dave got stuck in a cell with _his_ ancestor, so basically all of the ecto-grubs I made are on this ship like a big reunion party or something."

Roxy raised her head. "A cell? Wait, is your friend a Strid-" She froze and made a horrified face. "Oh fuck, fuck, bulge, fuck, shit! We need to get Di-Stri!" She turned on Jane. "Jake's okay now, right? Or did he get his dumb self in trouble recently?"

Jane flinched back. "Jake let me help him a while ago, but... I'm not sure that Dirk wants to see me anymore."

Roxy set both hands on Jane's shoulders and stared her straight in the face. "Janey, he's our best friend. Even if he hates us so much he won't look at us, we are still gonna break his ass free."

"He won't hate you, Roxy," Jane said, keeping her head bowed. "I'm the one who willingly betrayed him."

Roxy frowned but butted her forehead against Jane's, forcing her to look up. "Hey, I've still got your back. We'll figure shit out, starting with step one: break Dirk the fuck outta prison."

Jane let out a shaky breath and nodded.

"Can we tag along?" John asked. "That's probably where our friends are!"

"Yeah, I kind of owe Dave a touching reunion by now," Terezi said with a smirk.

Rose cleared her throat loudly before the planning could get out of hand. "I'm more concerned with tracking down the glitch before it starts its next phase of attack," she said. She glanced to Kanaya, who nodded in agreement. "Dave and Jade can look after themselves, but there's no way the glitch just rolled over and gave up that easily."

Roxy shuddered. "Oh god, that piece of shit's still running around? Then it prob'ly went back to that weird mutant kid it's got sitting around as back-up."

John gasped. "Wait, shit! Karkat and Jade are with that weird mutant kid!"

"Who're they?" Roxy asked.

"My matesprit and Jake's descendant! They were going to break the Striders free!" He spun on Rose and she thought it a miracle he hadn't just run off on his own. "Rose-"

"I know," she said with a nod. "We'll go after them."

Roxy grinned. "Sweet, we're teaming up after all! Let's get fucking moving, 'cos we are already hella late for getting this done." She gave Jane a tug, but Jane dug her heels in as something on her person let out a loud beep.

"I'm terribly sorry!" Jane said, blushing as she dug into her sylladex. She grabbed a tablet and quickly swiped at it. "Give me just one moment in case this is important."

Roxy leaned over Jane's shoulder to peer at the screen, which Jane tilted away from Roxy's prying gander bulbs. "Uh, who the hell's even got your chumphandle anymore?"

"That's why I'm so concerned about checking to..." Jane's jaw dropped, then she groaned and rolled her eyes. "Oh, shuckbusters, you've got to be kidding!" She let out an odd laugh as she let Roxy see the message after all. "I think Dirk's been freed already, because someone certainly turned the damn Auto-Responder back on!"

* * *

Dirk fumbled for a pair of shades on the floor. Unlike Dave's almost circular frames, they were shaped like triangles. They must have been computerized, as a red light flashed in the lenses when Dirk tapped them. "Guess this immortality shit explains why our natural lifespans suddenly meant jackshit," he said, slipping the shades on.

"And why we never starved," Jake muttered, staring at the floor.

"And why our think pans wouldn't actually let us go insane." Dirk tried to straighten but he stumbled with a cringe, shattering the cool facade that had otherwise been much stronger than Dave's up until then.

Jake reached out to catch him and help him regain his balance, then blushed two seconds later and yanked his hands away, leaving Dirk to struggling for better footing without his ex-matesprit's help. Jade winced internally. They'd seemed so happy together in Jake's journals, but they didn't seem to even know how to interact as kismeses.

"On the plus side, you survived a bullet to the head?" Dave shrugged and moved to Dirk's side, not actually offering help but still staying in reach. "That's pretty badass."

Dirk grunted, only leaning against Dave's shoulder after he stumbled so badly that he nearly fell. Even freshly resurrected and immortal, his body still had to readjust to regular movement after two thousand sweeps of imprisonment. Dave carefully didn't acknowledge that his ancestor was using him for support.

"I'm really sorry for shooting you, Mr. Signless," Jade said, though Dirk acted as if he was the one least distressed by her decision to mercy-kill him.

Dirk seemed to glance her way, but it was difficult to tell with the shades. They seemed to mask his expression even more than Dave's did -- or maybe Dirk was just better at hiding his emotions to begin with. "Kid, I'm way more concerned that you're calling me Mr. Signless than that you tried to do me a morbid favor."

"Sorry, um... Mr. Strider." She forced a smile. "I was trying to be respectful of your title since you're such an important historical figure."

"Hey, I was way too cool for that dumb shit before and I'm way too exhausted for that dumb shit now." He pointed a finger her direction. "Just call me Dirk and tell me that you've got a way out of this hellhole."

"Don't worry, I can teleport us all out of here as soon as we're ready!"

"I've been ready for so long that..." Dirk trailed off with a sigh. "So long that I don't even have the damn patience to work up an ironically appropriate metaphor for it."

Jade nodded. Already Dirk reminded her a lot of Dave -- or how Dave wished he could present himself, in some cases. She wondered if the others thought she seemed similar to Jake. "Okay, here we go then." She made a quick scan to make sure none of the others looked ready to jump in with an objection, then grabbed them with her Space powers and teleported back into the hallway just outside the cell.

Jake let out a relieved sigh as soon as they were back in the open, while Karkat shuddered and checked over the unresponsive Daveglitch. Dirk cringed and pulled away from Dave, leaning against the nearest wall instead with his head bowed.

"You okay, bro?" Dave said, frowning a touch.

Dirk waved him off. "I'll be fucking fine, just give me a minute to adjust to the goddamn light."

"Jake," Jade whispered, motioning him towards Dirk.

Jake gave her a wide-eyed stare and shook his head but she nodded firmly and glared. As if he could expect her to believe he wasn't more worried about Dirk than the rest of them put together! He hesitated another moment, then sighed and slid his arms around Dirk's shoulders. "C'mon, chap, to hell with your pride for once."

"Fuck you, too," Dirk muttered but didn't resist Jake's grip.

"So, thanks for breaking me out, but now what?" Dave stuck his hands in his pockets. "We came here to find Daveglitch." He nodded towards Karkat. "Here he is, useless and embarrassing. The fuck do we do with him?"

Karkat shot Dave his nastiest glare and held Daveglitch closer. "He is right fucking here, you rude motherfucker."

"What, did I hurt his digital feelings?" Dave raised an eyebrow. "I don't think he even realizes we're here half the time, let alone that I'm insulting his creepy ass."

Jade caught Dave's hand and pulled him closer. "Dave, please don't. Daveglitch is doing the best he can to interact with people again," she said. She kept glancing to Daveglitch in hopes he'd regained even a little will to acknowledge the world around him, but he hadn't reacted to anything since she coaxed it out of him that he'd forced their ancestors to God Tier. "He's just out of practice."

Dave scowled. "Treat him like a wiggler if you want. He's still an enemy that we can't just carry around forever."

Jade wanted to grab Dave and pap some sense into him until he stopped being so mean to his doomed self, but it was rather poor timing for any moirail tough love. "Well, hopefully Rose has an idea of how to help him, but she's apparently gone to fight the empress for some reason. That's where John and Terezi ran off to as well, so I guess we should try to meet them there."

"If you're headed for the empress," Dirk said, carefully pulling out of Jake's grip to test the waters of walking without assistance, "then we've got a common destination."

"You have got to be flipping kidding!" Jake threw his head back with a groan. "You haven't been free two minutes and you're already plotting the next assassination attempt? You're just going to get yourself thrown right back in those cuffs!"

Dirk's footsteps were heavy and calculated but he managed to walk without stumbling as he turned on Jake. "Roxy has been waiting over a thousand sweeps and I'm not about to make her wait any damn longer than I can help it just because it's bad timing for me."

Jade ran between them, careful to keep up a cheerful appearance in hopes it might calm the mood. The last thing they needed was more in-fighting. "I know this a big deal, but maybe we should hold off on thinking ahead too far when we don't actually know what's happened with the fuchsiabloods, okay? If your friend needs help breaking free of the glitch when we find her, we'll definitely do whatever it takes to do that!"

"Guys?" Karkat said.

Jake looked pale. "Jade, when you say 'whatever,' you can't possibly mean killing her?"

"I really hope it doesn't come to that, for everyone's sakes!" Jade chewed her bottom lip. "But death is truly kinder, if we can't break her free."

"Look, you can't go murdering my friends left and right!"

"Actually, you should try listening to your descendant, Harley," Dirk said, crossing his arms. "She's got a better sponge on her shoulders than you ever did."

Jake turned on him with a glare. "You know what, maybe she does! You both could still stand to at least _try_ to look for better solutions before resorting to violence!"

"Guys!" Karkat shouted. "This is not the goddamn time to ignore the fucking alien!"

Jade glanced over and felt her blood pusher drop. Daveglitch's face and hands twitched, his face no longer indifferent but twisting in what almost seemed like pain. His entire body glitched up like she hadn't seen it do since they left Sgrub. Static swarmed around him, converging on him.

"Tell me that's not what it looks like," Dave said.

The static shied away wherever Karkat's hands touched, but if he moved them to shoo it away elsewhere, it just slid to the newly unprotected areas. "If it looks like the glitch is trying to come home to his normal host," Karkat said, swatting at the static, "then I've got bad fucking news because this glitchy bullshit's been dormant up 'til this damn second."

"Can you stop it?" Jade asked.

"What the hell do you think I'm trying to do?" Karkat gave Daveglitch a rough shake. "Hey, c'mon, stay with us! Fucking fight it off, you lazy ass!"

"You don't have to let it win!" Jade came as near to Daveglitch as she dared. If the glitch really was returning, he was probably contagious again and she couldn't risk touching him. "TG, please!"

Dave caught Jade's arm and pulled her back into a protective hold. "Dudes, move the hell away from it before you get possessed too!"

"No, I've got it!" Karkat said, swiping his arm at a small cloud of static in the air above him. It just went around his arm and found its place on Daveglitch instead.

"You clearly fucking don't!" Dave shouted.

Karkat tried grabbing at the static as if it was dirt that he could dig Daveglitch out of. "I'm the only one who can do this, it's the only thing I can even do in the first place, and I am not going to let this piece of shit failure of a software program take him over again!" No matter how he fought off the glitch, its static just grew thicker.

"Karkat, it's too much for you!" Jade said.

"I don't fucking care!"

Daveglitch snarled and shoved a hand against Karkat's chest with such force that he slammed into the wall. Daveglitch stood tall on his own, no longer the limp and unresponsive shell of a troll they'd found huddled in a corner.

Karkat groaned and pressed an arm over his chest, wincing in pain. "Son of a bitch..." he growled. "TG, you stupid bastard, you have to fight it too."

Daveglitch's head tilted as he looked Karkat over. "1... r/eMMemb3r y0#u." He smiled. "M*y... g0od m0tHerf_uck1Ng br0."

Karkat raised himself up, his face contorting in fury. "You piece of shit, get out of him, get out of him, get the fuck out of him!" he screamed, pulling his sickles out of his inventory and lunging at Daveglitch. "I'll stick you in a red ringed Xbox! I'll upload you onto YouTube and leave comments open! I'll install Windows fucking Vista in you, you goddamn malware paperclip!" He swiped his blades with each threat, but Daveglitch stepped out of the way with a staticy flicker.

It had been over a million sweeps since Jade had seen Daveglitch fight, technically, but she doubted his skills had dulled any and she could tell that Karkat was too angry to fight well in the first place. She raised a hand, targeted Daveglitch, and teleported him away.

Karkat almost toppled forward as his attack hit nothing but air. He spun around. "What did-"

"I teleported him outside the ship!" Jade gave Dave's sleeve a tug and beckoned to their ancestors before breaking into a run. "We need to move before he can make his way back here though!"

"What is that thing and why does it look like Dave anyway?" Dirk said, still stumbling a little but quick to catch himself without aid. His legs must have been regaining their muscle memory, as he tripped less the further they ran.

"He's a time clone and really, really, reeeeeally dangerous!" Jade said. She wished they could go a little faster. She wondered if her ancestors could figure out to fly on the run since they were God Tier or if that would just result in embarrassing crashes into walls. "He's the glitch's main host and gave it the power it needed to take over the empire!"

"So he's the cause of all this?" Dirk said, and Jade didn't like the dark tone in his voice.

"Yeah, but don't think that means killing him will solve jackshit," Dave said. "He's already caused too much damage to just reverse it and call it a night."

Jade slid to a halt as a group of half a dozen drones stepped in their path. Whatever protection Jake had offered them before, Dirk's presence must have been enough to override it, as they made a beeline for them.

"Fuck," Dirk muttered. "Jake, tell me you thought to bring our weapons."

Jake groaned and held a hand over his brow. "You think those didn't stay confiscated? Just because I wasn't locked up with you anymore doesn't mean I was suddenly a free and trusted citizen!"

Jade equipped a rifle. Karkat had his sickles too, but that still left three of them unarmed and her the only one with a ranged weapon against some pretty intense enemies. "Dave!" she called, taking aim. She didn't even need to be precise. "Remember how we beat the Black Queen?"

Dave paused for just a moment before understanding flashed over his expression and he darted over. "On it!" He held his hands out.

She fired and the bullet slammed straight into one of Dave's red time prisons, freezing in place. Jade wasted no time enlarging it until it was almost too big to fit down the corridor. It could have doubled for a shield if Dave held it in place, but offense was more important at that moment. Dave unleashed it and it barreled into all of the drones at once, clearing the path so fast that Jade missed it in a blink.

Dave smirked over at Dirk as they took off again. "Told you I control time."

Dirk nudged Dave's shoulder. "Remind me to look impressed for you when we're not running for our lives."

"Has anyone given any damn thought to where we're going?" Karkat said, panting a little and glancing over his shoulder.

"My Auto-Responder just got a hold of Jane and plotted a rendezvous course with her." Dirk put on a burst of speed and took the lead. For a split second, Jade could see the Signless in him that she'd always imagined when she read her ancestor's books: he moved like Dave but even faster and more precise. "Roxy's with her."

"Are our friends there too?" Jade asked.

"Two pupas, two aliens, apparently."

Karkat let out a loud noise that sounded like half-sigh, half-groan. "Oh thank god, at least no one's fucking died yet."

"Yet," Dave repeated under his breath.

"How are we going to find them?" Jade asked and found it was almost difficult to run fast enough to stay even with Dirk.

"AR's got the whole ship's layout downloaded and is tracking Jane's computer."

"You programmed an auto-responder that can do all of that?" Jade said with an excited smile. She wondered if that's what Jake's occasional journey entries cursing out his matesprit's technological experiments referred to.

"Longass time ago, with a lot of Internet access and advice from Rox."

"That's really cool," she said. Rose and Dave's ancestors could program! She hoped she could talk to her about that later, if she stopped being possessed by the glitch anytime soon.

It would be nice if they could all take a break and just get to know their ancestors a little without stupid stresses over life and death situations hanging over their heads and making them irritable. If they both survived, she was definitely going to make sure to befriend Jake properly, without killing his quadrantmate or yelling at him for being pretty understandably traumatized instead of the person she'd imagined him to be from his journals.

Jade kept an eye out for Daveglitch in case she had to banish him off the ship again, but if he still had the ability to teleport like he had in Sgrub, he didn't seem to know where to find them -- or, more concerning, he didn't care. They only had to dispatch two more drones and no other enemies before they turned a corner and saw a friendlier group blocking their path.

Rose, Kanaya, John, and Terezi all ran to meet them. Two strange adults were with them, but she could see their resemblance to Rose and John immediately -- even though John's ancestor was a girl. More importantly, though, Rose's ancestor showed no signs of the glitch's infection.

John took to the air and called Karkat's name before literally sweeping him off his feet and wrapping around him. Karkat squawked and clung as he yelled obscenities. John just laughed and brought them back to solid ground to hug him properly.

Terezi nudged her shoulder against Dave's and he nudged back. Jade beamed as she noticed that Rose and Kanaya were holding hands tightly and standing closer than usual.

It was the empress who looked most overjoyed for the two groups to unite. She grinned wide with more excitement than Jade thought the glitch could ever attempt to imitate with its weird digital emotions. She flung her arms around both Dirk and Jake's shoulders, shouting, "Missed you, jerks!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter of 2014! I was hoping the story would be outright finished by now, but alas, writer's block is a bitch. We're getting close though! See y'all in 2015.
> 
> (Also, sorry, I'm really behind on replying to comments right now. I'm going to try to fix that ASAP.)


	42. Act 3.9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What was even the point of killing off seven and a half of the human characters if I still have to juggle over ten characters in one scene? Jeez.

To call the reunion "uncomfortable" was to call John's taste in movies "maybe a touch questionable." Jade actually clapped in delight at seeing everyone alive and well -- Rose hid her smile by pressing the lower half of her face against Kanaya's shoulder -- and John gave Karkat an inappropriately long smooch that was overshadowed when Terezi smacked Dave's ass, none of which overstepped anyone's usual social clumsiness. The adults were what turned the celebrations awkward.

Jane hung back, but Roxy had charged right in to embrace Jade and Dave's ancestors -- they'd been called Gadabout and Signless in the journals Rose had read only nights ago, but Jade leaned in to whisper that they went by Jake and Dirk in informal contexts.

Roxy squeezed them tight, then pulled each of them in close for individual hugs. "Oh my fuckin' god, this is like finally meeting my online besties!"

"We have met, Roxy," Jake said with a small smile, squeezing her back.

Roxy nudged his forehead with a finger as they broke apart. "Yeah, but I was a goddamn glitch maniac, how does that even count?" She turned to Dirk and pulled him into a hug next. "Your turn, Di-Stri."

Dirk went tense, not even returning the embrace. Combined with Jane's reluctance to join the celebrations, all signs pointed to unexamined baggage about to be unearthed. Under most circumstances, Rose would have pulled out some grubcorn and enjoyed the show, but that would probably have been in poor taste.

"Sorry we failed you, Rox," Dirk said.

"If you guys couldn't pull it off, I don't think anyone else coulda stood a fuckin-" Roxy slid her hands down his arms as if to take his hands, then froze as she touched the deep scarring over his wrists. "Holy _shit_ , what the fuck's on your arms?" She grimaced as soon as the words were out, the "oops" implied if not spoken aloud. "Uhh..." She gingerly papped one of his wrists and forced a grin. "Well, at least they look pretty badass! C'mon, Jake, scars are totally hot, right?"

Jake sighed and muttered, "Maybe if they weren't the markings hatched of stubborn stupidity."

"Go take a swim in the ocean with Lalonde's lusus, Harley," Dirk said, and Rose had the distinct impression that he was glaring behind his shades, though the rest of his face remained a calm blank.

Roxy's expression fell. "Wait, you two are seriously kismeses, like for real? But I never even got to see you guys in the red."

Rose glanced Jade's direction, but judging from her downcast gaze and twisted mouth, she'd already known her ancestor's quadrants had grown messy since his final journal entry. Well, that made things interesting.

Dirk shrugged. "As amusing as that shit would be, relationships don't last based on audience interest." He managed a crooked smirk. "Fuck, if it worked that way, I'd have signed us up for Troll Yelp half a perigee in and raked in the reviews."

Jake rubbed his temples. "Yes, thank you, everyone really needed to see why we didn't work out in action."

"You can't take a fucking joke now?"

"Even in hypotheticals you won't think past your own schemes long enough to remember that there are other people involved!" Jake groaned and rolled his eyes. "Why ask your quadrantmate what he wants when you know if he doesn't like it you can just badger him until he caves?"

Dirk turned on him, his fangs bared for a split second. "You wouldn't know how to tell a purpleblood to piss off if one asked to chew your fucking leg off. You don't have any damn right to talk about people pushing you into shit until you learn to stop being a doormat."

"Hey, c'mon." Roxy stepped between them, holding her hands up to keep them apart, though there was nothing she could do to stop the nasty looks they shot at each other. "Chill. Neither of you are captive anymore and we got more important shit t'deal with than romdram over here, so maybe don't worry about stupid past mistakes so much."

"Ro-Lal, I know we love switching between hyperbole and severely toning shit down for amusement factor, but this ain't the time to act like Jake's bullshit was anything less than it was."

"What, I thought you _wanted_ me to stand up for myself?" Jake cocked his head, glowering at Dirk. "Or is that only when it's convenient to you?"

Dirk clenched his fists and the only thing keeping him in check seemed to be Roxy's hand on his chest. "Bailing on me that far in was a goddamn betrayal, not a statement of some newfound fucking twisted confidence."

"So now I should have left earlier?" Jake let out an odd, unamused laugh and shook his head. "Here I thought you were lucky I pitied you long enough to keep you company for two sweeps, let alone fifteen hundred of them!"

Kanaya's fingers twitched and her lips went thin as if she was trying not to scowl. "Should we interfere?"

Rose caught her hand and held it close to give it a soft kiss. "I don't believe that would be wise." Lord, but they were going to need an auspistice eventually, if this kept up. Dave and Jade were actively looking away, while John watched on in bemusement with the humans.

Jane sighed, cringed, then stepped forward. "Dirk, please stop blaming Jake for not being as headstrong as you are. Anyone other than you would have given up long before he did." She held her head high as she admitted, "It's _my_ fault you two were in this situation in the first place."

"You're damn right it is," Dirk said coldly.

Jake just about lunged at Dirk despite Roxy's best efforts to keep them separated. "Don't you dare talk to her that way!" he said with enough fury that Rose suspected he had developed some quadrant entanglements with Jane, though she wasn't sure which shade of red it involved.

Jane held a hand up. "Jake, I can handle myself, please," she said, shooting him a stern look until he backed down. Pale quadrant, then. Only a moirail could diffuse their partner's anger so swiftly. She took a deep breath. "Dirk, if you'd had your way, we'd all be dead right now. But we held on and Roxy's okay and we survived."

Dirk raised one of his arms, the burn scars in plain sight. "That doesn't erase that you let that thing torture me for two thousand goddamn sweeps."

"I begged you so many times to just drop the stupid rebellion and I'd be able to talk the glitch into letting you go," she said, enunciating carefully as if to stop her voice from shaking. "You can't blame me that Jake was the only one who grew some flipping sense!"

"If you and Jake were too cowardly to die before letting your principles go to shit, then fine, that ain't my business." Dirk's mouth was a hard line. "But you knew where Roxy and I stood on letting that thing keep us alive and you couldn't even respect that."

"We were trying to help!" Jake snapped.

"You know what? _All of you,_ " Roxy shouted, "shut the HELL up!" Her tone lacked the authority that should have come with sweeps of leading an empire, but she made up for it with volume.

Everyone fell silent and put the hostility on an abrupt hold as Roxy drew their attention instead.

She let out a huff. "I know everything sucks and we're right to be pissed off, but you're still arguing over dumb bullshit none of us actually had control over! There was no way for this to end well, no matter what any of us did! Either we were all going to end up dead or wishing we were dead, and we're just disagreeing on which would have been worse!" She caught one of Dirk's and one of Jane's hands in each of hers. "You were all just trying to protect each other." She held all three of her friends' gazes, one by one. "And you were shit at that, but there was no way you _couldn't_ be shit at it and that's not our fault, okay?"

An uncomfortable quiet settled as Roxy stopped for breath. The other three seemed even less inclined to make eye contact. Jake moved first, taking Jane's free hand. She squeezed back, shooting him a small smile. His other hand twitched as he glanced Dirk's direction but he quickly dropped his gaze and didn't act on whatever impulse had briefly crossed his mind. Vacillation could be such a fickle, sporadic fluctuation. Rose wondered if Dirk was as mixed on his quadrant status as Jake appeared to be.

"Guys?" John scrunched up his nose, watching the drama with a raised eyebrow. "Promise that we'll never be that stupid and shitty to each other even if we live to be ten thousand sweeps?" he said without even the slightest effort at keeping his voice down.

"Promised times infinity," Jade said immediately.

Dave tilted his head. "Nah, why the hell do we need to make a dumbass promise like that? That scenario is so far off the table it's shot off into orbit. It's making friends with the local satellites." He smirked. "I mean, Jegus Crust, Egbert, what do you take us for?"

Terezi nudged Dave with her elbow. "It's said 'Jesus Christ,' Dave."

"I said it better."

"I'm in agreement with Dave." Rose reached over to give John's shoulder a squeeze without leaning away from Kanaya. "We don't need to make promises like that. I'd never let us reach such a low in the first place."

"Even our descendants are close," Jake murmured as he stared over at Jade and Dave. He shook his head. "Lalondes, Egberts, Harleys, and Striders just have a knack for coming together, don't we?" He sighed.

Jane bit her lower lip before raising her gaze. "Dirk, I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I just..." Her shoulders drooped. "I didn't want you or Roxy or Jake to die."

Dirk studied her for a moment. "I know, Egbert. I still think you made some godawful choices, but... we put you in a tight spot and you did what you could." He lightly bumped his fist against her shoulder. "Looks like you leveled up in badass since we were last allies."

She blushed but smiled. "Comes with commanding a battleship, I suppose."

Jake cringed, his brow furrowed. "I... I had been hoping you'd come around and leave with me if I just got up the nerve to go with Jane. When you still stayed so friggin' stubborn... You were going to suffer no matter what I did, so I gave up." He snapped his head up. "I don't even care what quadrant we're in anymore, I _never_ would have wished that kind of pain on you!"

"Knew that much, bro," Dirk said, his tone such a perfect neutral that even Rose wasn't sure what emotions were hiding behind the patented Strider facade. He was much harder to read than Dave ever was.

Roxy smiled. "Yeah, I got zip to apologize for over here. I was a goddamn mind controlled zombie bitch. I wish I hadn't gotten you guys caught up in this though." She shoved Dirk. "Okay, you go."

"No, he..." Jake cut in, hesitated for a moment when all eyes turned on him, then plowed ahead. "He has every right to be angry. He doesn't owe us an explanation for that."

Dirk opened his mouth but took a moment before he seemed to find the right words. "Thanks, Jake." He frowned and muttered, "Still shouldn't have dragged you guys along with my shitass schemes."

"Well, hey now!" Jane said. "If my friend was going to overthrow the empire, I wanted to help him!" She shrugged, looking sheepish. "It's not like any of us knew what we were really signing up for, yourself included."

Jake nodded, his lips twitching into a small smile. "It was fun at first, before it all went rotten."

Dirk wrapped his free arm around Jake's shoulders and pulled him closer. Roxy giggled and released Jane's hand so she could also put her arm on Jane's shoulders, holding her tight while still gripping Dirk's hand as Jane gripped Jake's. Dirk gave Jake's ear a nip, which made Jake snort and butt him in the chin.

"Yesss, only love here." Roxy nuzzled her face against Jane's. "Or a li'l hate too for the boys, but the fun kind, not the angry kind. We can save all our getting properly P.O.'d for the glitchy guy."

"Where _is_ Daveglitch, by the way?" Rose said, looking away from the adults so they could have their little moment in slightly more peace now that it was less interesting. She kept one arm snug against Kanaya, while the other stayed free in case John or anyone else needed it.

"Jade shot him into space," Karkat said sullenly, resting his head against John's shoulder.

"I did not!" Jade pointed to the ceiling. "I just teleported him out of the ship so we could regroup!"

So that confirmed the glitch was back to its usual tricks after it lost control of Roxy and they were back to square one in terms of tracking its movements. At least they'd managed to gain four new allies. "Wonderful, so he could attack at any moment."

Dave nodded. "Yep, nice knowing y'all."

John shoved Dave's shoulder hard enough that he stumbled. "He can't take _all_ of us on, stupid."

"Sure he can." Dave reached up to keep his shades from dislodging, as if anyone around gave a crap about his blood color. "And then we kill him so he possesses someone new. Rinse and repeat until the last loser standing is crowned the new insert-name-here-glitch." He straightened. "I'm thinking my stint as Alpha Daveglitch should last about twenty seconds before John bashes my sponge in."

"Don't talk like that!" Jade said, pulling a face. "I'd never let it get you too!"

Dave held his hands up. "Whoa, okay, Harley, you're supposed to hold me back from doing pirouettes off of ordinary hivehold objects, then I protect _you_ from bad shit." He shrugged as Jade narrowed her eyes. "S'how moirails work, dude."

Karkat snorted. "Pretty sure you got it backwards, Strider, considering she just busted your ass free, then shot someone out of spite for her ancestor being too dumb to tolerate."

Rose shot Jade a look, certain Karkat was exaggerating as usual until she saw Jade blush green. "Wait, what?" Rose said.

"Nothing!" Jade waved her off. "I was just fixing up my ancestor's goofs and everything's fine now! Dave's safe, Dirk's alive, and nothing permanently bad happened, so um... Dave and I will just take turns protecting each other, since neither of us needs kept in check or anything."

Terezi snickered. "Holy shit, Dave really does need to do a better job of holding you back while you save his ass." She reached up to pat Dave's head, concentrating on his horns once she found them. "No slacking with your non-kissy girlfriend, coolkid."

"Are you trying to auspisticize between me and my moirail?" Dave said flatly.

"I don't know what the fuck that is, so I'm gonna say- " Her smile faded and she pulled over him by the arm. "Let's hang out closer to the grown-ups."

"What?" Dave stumbled as she gave him an extra yank to get his feet moving.

Rose took that as incentive to nudge her own quadrantmates into staying close to Terezi. She hadn't felt anything, but her foresight didn't always match up perfectly with a Mind player's. She was unsurprised when they heard three drones step around the corner.

Dave winced. "Oh, fuck, not these douchebags again."

"Pfff, no, it's okay." John waved them off. "Jane's got this down to an art! She can handle it!"

Jane raised her head at the sound of her name, then sighed as she caught sight of the drones. "Oh brother, what do they want now?" She disentangled herself from Jake and Roxy's grips, straightening to her tallest as she strode to meet the drones. "Hey, back off! There's nothing for you here!"

The drones didn't even slow their pace as they approached.

"These bastards usually act like they're deaf, Egbert?" Dirk said.

Jane's brow furrowed, her gaze locked on the drones. "Not like this." She equipped a large red fork from her specibus and brandished it at the nearest drone. "I said get the hell _away!_ "

One of the drones stretched its sharp fingers towards Jane. Before it could so much as touch her, she side-stepped it and plunged the tips of her weapon into its arm. It let out an angry hiss and lashed out with its unharmed limb. Jane ducked and ripped her fork free, stabbing it into the drone's gut in the next swipe. She kicked it into one of its allies, using the momentum to knock them down so she could leap to the air and skewer them both as she landed.

The third drone barely had time to raise its arm before a laser blasted through its head. Roxy lowered her rifle with a huff.

Jane grunted as she yanked her fork out of the drones, pulling a face at the dark stains running down the prongs. "Why weren't they listening to me?"

Rose knelt to examine the corpse for signs of static. There was only the smallest spark but that was damning enough evidence. "I don't think their loyalty ever lay with the empress."

Jake groaned and pressed a hand against his forehead. "Well, isn't that ducky?"

Dave pumped his fist sarcastically. "Woo, everything on this ship's still trying to kill us."

"Until Daveglitch comes for us personally, I wouldn't worry yet." Rose straightened and smoothed her skirt. "Jane, can you show us where the confiscated sylladexes are kept after they're taken from captives? I think our allies would like their inventories back."

Jane almost smiled as she said, "That I can do no problem!"

"After we're all properly armed, I need to see your ship's main computer to examine the logs and scanners. I'll form a full plan of attack once all the information is in place and we can go from there."

Jane was already nodding along but not all of the adults were so at ease with her orders. His poker face may have been strong for a Strider, but Dirk's body language hid none of his tension as he crossed his arms. Rose would have been suspicious things were moving too smoothly anyway, had she been met with complete cooperation.

"What exactly makes you think you're the one who should be calling these kind of shots, kid?" he said.

She stared him straight in the shades, refusing to blink at the cold expression reflected back at her. "Because I have the best foresight on these matters, for one," she said, keeping her voice just as even and devoid of emotion as his. "I'm the newest empress of your species, for another."

At least four sets of gander bulbs snapped her direction, the others following at a more leisurely pace but still staring at her in due time. John's jaw dropped and Jade outright gasped in excitement while Dave's no-doubt wide eyes were safely hidden behind shades. The humans looked more confused than anything.

Dirk was perhaps the only one who didn't visibly react in some form. "You're pretty damn bold to say that right in front of Rox."

Rose kept her head high. She could afford to make a gesture as casual as shrugging again once she was done establishing her new authority. For the time being, she put every ounce of confidence into her posture. "I bested her in battle and killed her. By all our laws, that means I'm empress now."

"What," he said, his voice somehow even flatter.

"Eh, it's true though." Roxy pretended to strangle herself, pulling a face in mock imitation of choking. "I was totes dead." She dropped her hands and cleared her throat, shrugging. "We don't really have any rules for what happens when the dead empress comes back to life."

Rose bowed her head. "Thank you, former empress Roxy."

Roxy smacked Rose's shoulder hard enough that Rose had to fight not to wince. "No prob, newly empress Rose! Just do me proud." Roxy set her hands on her hips as she addressed Dirk again. "So yeah, she wants to be empress, she can be the fucking empress. I've sure as hell been soured on the role."

Dirk's expression was infuriatingly difficult to read but, after an unchanging first few seconds, the tension in his shoulders eased up. "All right, Li'l Lalonde. Give it a shot, but I reserve the right to defect if you're too green at this."

Rose gave him her most pleasant smile. "Then I have the right to gloat when I prove competent enough that you freely follow my every order."

Dirk's mouth twitched into a barely-visible smirk that Rose counted as an early victory. "Deal."

* * *

The ship's main computers were absurdly huge. The monitor alone took over an entire wall on the bridge, making its average-sized keyboard look comical by comparison. Though he liked to think he was pretty good with computers, John didn't have the faintest clue what he was looking at as different documents and scanners appeared on the screen.

Even Rose needed Roxy to walk her through what the monitor readings meant and how to input commands. He had no idea how Jane was nodding along. No one else was interested in keeping up, though Kanaya had given it her all before just examining the nails on her hand that wasn't clinging to Rose.

"This shit was way fuckin' easier when I was part robo glitch monster," Roxy muttered, her hands flying across the keyboard all the same as she pulled up file after file. "Need to see this?" she'd ask before moving to the next one or giving Rose a minute to study it depending on the answer.

John was glad as hell that he was just leader of the Sgrub session and _not_ leader of the whole damn species. Judging by how Karkat cringed at the large amounts of text frequently on the screen, he was probably feeling similar. The naturalest of leaders, it was them.

Karkat slumped against him and sighed.

John nudged his cheek against Karkat's. "What's wrong?"

"So much is wrong that it would take more words than you can find in the complete works of Shakespeare to convey it all, both human _and_ troll Shakespeare." Karkat glowered worse than usual. "But I'll condense it into a single sentence for the sake of sparing your ears from my grating human voice: Everything sucks and we're both as useful as a pile of guinea pig droppings stuck between the treads of the universe's shoes."

"I like your grating human voice," John said, pressing a quick kiss to Karkat's temple.

Karkat groaned and tugged at John's hair. "You don't listen to a damn thing I say, do you?"

John laughed, bumping his head against Karkat's hand. "Well I kind of ignore the parts where you exaggerate for the sake of being a pessimistic asshole."

Karkat snorted. "Wish I could fucking ignore it too," he muttered.

John frowned and pulled him in closer for a couple of paps. Karkat really needed a proper moirail, but there weren't many options around if the other two humans didn't know how to do it. Maybe Jane would be interested? Wait, John was pretty sure she had at least _some_ quadrant entanglements already going on with her buddies, though hell if he could figure out the specifics.

She seemed some shade of red with Roxy, maybe? Which was pretty cool, if his and Rose's ancestors were quadrantmates, but also she might have been pale or ashen for Jake. It was hard to tell. Romance was stupid anyway.

He glanced over to Team Not Even Pretending to Pay Attention, where Jade, Dave, and Terezi hung out in a corner near Dirk and Jake. Even the ancestors established as definitely kismeses seemed uncertain about their roles. Jake clung to Dirk's hand like Kanaya clung to Rose's, but he averted his gaze where Kanaya would have studied her matesprit's face.

John had _no_ idea what Dirk was thinking as Dave showed off his inventory for some reason. They'd recovered all the confiscated sylladexes before even heading for the bridge, since it would probably be dangerous as hell to let Dave, Dirk, and Jake go weaponless, but that didn't explain why Dave had one of his timetables out. Time traveling was probably a really dumb idea at the moment, so why the hell would...

Oh shit, Dave was trying to look cool in front of his ancestor, wasn't he?

Dave flipped the timetable over in the air and caught it. "Man, I know they look like stupid pieces of junk, but these are all _about_ the goddamn time travel like I told you about earlier." When Dirk didn't respond, Dave gave Terezi a nudge. "Right, Terezi?"

"I have never seen this time travel that he speaks of," Terezi said, completely straight-faced and probably holding back a cackle of laughter for all she was worth.

It was pretty cool that everyone had met their ancestors, but it was also kinda intimidating when John thought about it. Rose had an empress to look up to, Dave had a leader of Alternia's most successful rebellion, Jade had been admiring her ancestor for _sweeps_ thanks to his journals, and John's ancestor could control minds just like John _should_ have been able to. He'd been teased more than once over that.

Though maybe he could? He'd never actually tried it before. It should have been so natural that it just came to him without trying, right? Nah, he had almost definitely missed out on Jane's mind control genes. He could concentrate reeeeally hard on Dave and think "Jump, you overly talkative motherfucker" and nothing-

Dave's legs crumpled and he crashed to the floor. Jade dropped to her knees to help him up, Jake not far behind, before Terezi could even ask what the _hell_ that thud was.

"You okay, lad?" Jake brushed off the front of Dave's shirt for him.

"Uh." Dave straightened, batting away both Harleys. "Yeah, dude, meant to do that."

John stared for a little too long as Dave cleared his throat and tried to regain his composure as if he had not just fallen on his face out of nowhere for no reason.

Well. That could have totally been a coincidence! Yep, not like Dave was well-trained in moving faster than the eye could follow or anything. A guy like that could trip over his own feet, no question.

If that wasn't a coincidence, John kind of felt like a jerk. Dave was already guaranteed to come off as a giant dweeb to his ancestor without looking like a klutz. But John had been thinking a command for _jumping_ , not _falling_ , so it had to be coincidence. (He wasn't exactly in good practice though.)

He frowned and gave Karkat's sleeve a tug. "Hey, Karkat, d'you think it's stupid if-"

"Yes, whatever it is, I'm sure it's stupid." Karkat wrapped an arm around John's head and pulled him in close.

John blew a raspberry. "Well, let me finish so you can at least hear _how_ stupid."

"I predict 'mind-bogglingly stupid' ahead of time, but fine. See if you can prove me wrong."

John had barely taken in breath to reply when Roxy let out a loud yell from the computer.

"Aw, fuck! That wasn't there before!" she said, staring upwards.

The entire monitor showed off an image of outer space taken from some kind of scanner. Dark splotches flickered near the edge of the screen, inching inwards each time the scanner updated its readings every few seconds.

Rose clucked her tongue. "This is showing real time updates? Can you zoom out a little more?"

Jane nodded and leaned forward to take the keyboard from Roxy. "There's a few seconds of delay, but it's displaying approximately..." She tapped a few buttons and the screen refreshed. "...our entire galaxy and the outskirts of the neighboring ones."

With more space on view, the shadows on the screen had grown even thicker near the borders.

"That's the glitch, isn't it?" Rose said.

Roxy crossed her arms and glared at the screen. "Yep, little bastard is accelerating its growth like the sore fucking loser it is." She turned to Jane. "Can we contact one of the closer ships to go after it? We've gotta have _some_ kinda weapon that-" Something blipped white on the screen before fading away, replaced by the expanding glitch. "Oh, well, fuck, there went a whole fuckin' fleet. Never mind."

"What exactly's that mean?" John asked. "Is it just... eating space or something?"

Rose exchanged a worried glance with Kanaya before standing straight and addressing them in that weirdly stiff way she'd taken to since announcing her empress status. "Well, the good news is, Daveglitch isn't at full power right now. The bad news is, that's because the glitch is focused on the finishing touches of infecting this universe. If the ship's documents are any indicator, it was attempting a more thorough infestation for the longer haul, but if this acceleration keeps up, we have days, maybe hours before the Genesis Frog we live in succumbs to this infection."

"What happens then?" Jade asked, her expression grim.

"We all die and no amount of God Tiering can save us."

John scowled. Well, fuck _that_ noise. "So what's our plan?" he said. "We've gotta still be able to beat this thing, right?"

Rose held a hand over the lower half of her face, her brow furrowed. "How cowardly are we feeling?" she said after a moment.

"Uh, cowardly?"

"That determines our best course of action." Rose raised her index finger and paced a few feet as she spoke, Kanaya trailing her. "Option one, we go out there and do what we can to salvage the remaining universe and those who dwell in it. We die martyrs and don't actually help anyone as the universe dies despite our efforts, but we'll feel pretty good about our heroic selves." She paused and scanned the room, locking eyes with John as she raised a second finger. "Option two, we run away."

"Where would we even run to?" Dave cocked his head. "Not exactly big on the pointless heroic sacrifice shit, but at least it sounds more proactive than huddling in a corner and waiting to die."

Rose reached out to grasp Kanaya's shoulder. "When the glitch tried to possess me, Kanaya was able to create a space so far separated from this reality that the glitch couldn't find us. If she works with Jade, I think our Space players can build a new dimension large enough to house this ship and keep us safe from outside influence."

Jade nodded. "And then what?"

"We make a new hive out of a giant battleship, I suppose, and don't die."

The others fell silent. That sounded like a really shitty long-term plan, but John wasn't sure there were any good long-term ideas, so maybe short-term was the best they could settle for. It still didn't feel right, but there wasn't much time to come up with something better than a Seer of Light could plot out.

"Fuck it," Terezi finally said. "Surviving's good enough for me."

Anyone who didn't outright nod in agreement at least offered a shrug of indifference. No one could argue, anyway.

Roxy grinned and gave Rose's hair a ruffle. "A'right, girl, you clearly got a bigger plan swirling around in your think pan waiting for the chance to leap out. Lay it on us."

Rose cleared her throat and flicked at her hair as she tried to subtly fix Roxy's damage. "We don't want to take any drones with us. Even if their bond with the glitch is cut, their loyalties are too strenuous. Roxy, Jake," she said, making eye contact with one, then the other, "you both carry long-range weapons. Can you dispatch them?"

Jake drew himself up, equipping a pistol as if he was ready to go drone hunting right that second. "Darn tootin'."

Roxy cracked up. "Uhh, I think that means, yes, we can totes do that shit."

Rose squashed her smile too late to hide it. "Jane, Dirk," she said, "I'm going to ask an unfairly difficult task of you two and you are more than justified in throwing it back in my face. Can you distract Daveglitch so that he doesn't interfere with Jade and Kanaya?"

Jane nodded, not looking half as worried as John thought she ought to be. If anything, she seemed relieved. "If you'd given the assignment to anyone else, I might have demanded you hand it to me instead."

Rose pressed her hands together and said with fake cheer, "Lucky you, you're my first choice of candidate!" She dropped her arms. "But in all seriousness, you have the most firsthand experience in dealing with the glitch and I want you paired with a competent close-range weapons user. Will your telepathy give you an edge here?"

Jane shook her head, frowning. "I don't imagine so, sadly. I've tried peeking into its mind before, but it's a mess of computer-like..." She wobbled her hand. "...gobbledygook! I can check it for deception and its most surface-level intentions, but its behavior is indiscernable to me after that. That won't do us much good in combat."

Rose crossed her arms, beating her fingers against her elbow. "I assume you've already tried to wrench its control away from its hosts."

Jane winced. "I could hear Roxy's thoughts with some effort, but its grip on her was too thorough to break her free. I couldn't even _find_ your friend's consciousness, let alone help him."

"It doesn't sound like he has much of a mind left, at this point," Rose murmured, dropping her gaze.

John shuffled his feet at the memory of the unresponsive Dave who was so unlike himself that he needed _coaxed_ into talking. Karkat made a strange noise from the back of his throat, though he kept his mouth clammed shut as he glared at the floor. John slid an arm around his shoulders, breathing a sigh of relief when Karkat leaned into it instead of shoving him away.

Rose gathered herself up. "Well, it was nice to imagine a mind reader might have a leg up, but regardless," she pointed from Jane to Dirk, "you two are still the best suited for succeeding in this task."

"Of course we are!" Jane followed Rose's gesture and her confidence faltered. "Well..." She wandered closer to Dirk. "Dirk, you can sit this one out if you want. I'll handle it."

Dirk had been leaning back against the wall as he listened but he straightened at that. "Fuck that. I'm out of practice, but AR can help me cheat." He tapped the side of his shades.

She hesitated. "Are you sure? It's really, really okay if you need to rest."

"You've got my back, right?"

"Always," she said firmly, staring up at him without blinking.

Dirk shrugged. "Then we're good."

She smiled and nodded.

"Dave," Rose called loud enough to pull the spotlight back to herself, "you're high enough on the echeladder to bring a passenger with you when time traveling, right?"

Dave frowned. "Probably, but I haven't actually tried it. It's hard enough to loop properly by myself."

"I need you and Terezi to go back in time and make sure Daveglitch can't time travel in the present."

"How do you figure I can pull that off?"

Rose raised an eyebrow. "If you don't pull it off, explain why we've only seen one iteration of Daveglitch instead of thousands."

Dave was silent a good ten seconds before he facepalmed. "God dammit, I hate time loops."

Rose smirked. "Start four sweeps ago, outside your hivestem. Terezi can lead you from there."

"How the hell am I supposed to get back here?" Dave said, already shuffling through his sylladex for his other timetable.

"You're not many levels away from being able to travel forward in time."

He sighed and shook his head. "I really got no excuses to slip outta this one, huh?"

Terezi nudged him with her shoulder. "Hey, it'll be fun. We can call it a date!"

"Sure, I always take my girlfriends on perilous chases through time. That shit's as romantic as it gets."

"I'm sure Daveglitch will have a blast third wheeling it during your candlelight dinner," Rose said before turning her attention back to the group as a whole. "I'll be acting as guard for the Space players. We can't have them pausing in their work to ward off unexpected attacks."

Karkat was frowning something fierce. "What about me?" he said before Rose could continue.

Rose paused, looked him over, and said, "I want you acting as back-up for Dirk and Jane, but do _not_ engage Daveglitch unless it's an emergency. Your powers are too valuable to waste. Keep your distance and be ready to intervene only if necessary."

"So I'm standing around doing jackshit," he said, his face screwed up in disgust.

"Good, you understood my orders perfectly," she said pleasantly, already ignoring him in favor of John. "John, you're our wildcard. You'll start by watching my back, but I may need you to play messenger or act as backup for someone else as we go."

"So I'm kinda like Karkat and barely even get a task?" John said, rubbing Karkat's back in what he hoped was an encouraging manner.

"No, your task will just change as is necessary." Rose stood at her tallest and spoke with careful enunciation as she gave the room another scan. "Are we all clear?"

"Make the ship harmless, then fly into a safe zone before the universe implodes 'cos we can't save shit," Dave said.

"Masterful summary." Rose clapped her hands together for attention. "Now everyone get lost and don't die. I expect to see you alive and well in a few hours."

"Well, let's stop lollygagging then." Jake gestured for Roxy to go ahead of him. "Ms. Roxy?"

Roxy withdrew a large rifle and smiled. "My pleasure, Mr. Jake."

Dave nudged his head against Jade's. "Take care of yourself, Harley."

She grinned and gave him a quick squeeze. "Same to you and then some!" she said before darting over to join Kanaya.

Dave fistbumped Dirk as they passed each other. "Cool meeting you, dude. Tell my alternate self to go suck a bulge when you find him."

Dirk nodded, equipping a katana as he made to join Jane. "I'll slice off an extra limb just for you, bro."

Terezi wrapped both arms around Dave's shoulders as he prepared to scratch his timetables. "None of you jerks die while we're gone!" she called. They both disappeared in a flash of red light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that the updates aren't as fast lately. Since this is getting so close to the end, I'm trying to take extra care in making sure everything's in order to minimize chances of goofing up or forgetting anything as I try to tie up the remaining loose threads.
> 
> I thiiiink this fic is looking at 3-5 more chapters before it reaches a conclusion. (I'm aiming for three, but I also underestimate a lot.) I am planning on mini-sequels though. The main plot may be over soon, but there's room for character-focused side stories set in the same AU, right?
> 
> On a similar note, I went and created a C&V-specific Tumblr under the username [CVstuck](http://cvstuck.tumblr.com/) (because all simple variations of "constantsandvariables" were already taken), if that's the sort of thing anyone is interested in? I'll be announcing story updates and posting any C&V-related art I make, plus if anyone has fic-related questions, the askbox is open. Just figured I'd make that an option for folks who'd like to stay updated on this fic without following [my personal account](http://turntechgodoka.tumblr.com/).


	43. Act 3.10

"We need to reach the deck," Rose shouted over her shoulder as they ran through large metal corridors. "It won't do us any good to create a safe dimension that we can't actually fly into by positioning it somewhere stupid like inside the damn ship."

They hadn't split from Roxy and Jake just yet, and they'd likely find Daveglitch on the deck before Dirk and Jane would take their leave, so she was still leading the whole group minus Dave and Terezi, at least for a few more minutes. She wasn't used to running ahead of full-grown adults and she worried she might have to take to flight before long if she wanted a chance of preserving her energy.

"Okay, so you'd prolly better head that way," Roxy waved her arm to the left, which currently led to nothing except wall but there was an intersection coming up at least, "and feel free to knock down as many fuckin' walls as you need to get there!"

Before Rose could point out that she really would prefer not to break holes in the ship that may well be their home for the next good long while, Jane said with clear exasperation, "I can lead them outside just fine, Roxy!"

Roxy chuckled nervously. "Or follow Janey, that's cool too!" She slid to a halt as they hit the intersection. The path to the left was clear, but a pair of drones wandered the corridor to their right. She smacked Jake on the shoulder. "C'mon, Harley, this is our cue to kick some drone ass!"

Jake nodded. "Right-o." He equipped two pistols, holding them up in preparation.

Roxy hesitated, then yanked Jane into a hug and nuzzled her shoulder. "Don't you or Dirk even fucking think of getting hurt while we're busy, okay?"

Jane nodded, wrapping her arms around Roxy's back. "I'm not afraid of facing that thing now that it's not in you," she said quietly.

Dirk crossed his arms. "And if you can't handle this shit while I'm not watching your back, I am disappoint, bro."

Jake drew himself up and let out a huff. "Don't you worry your fucking noggin about us. We'll give those drones a drubbing they won't forget." He pulled a face and dropped his gaze. "If you go and die, Dirk, I'll kill you," he muttered.

Dirk's mouth twitched into a smirk. "I'll keep that in mind." He raised a fist. Jake gave it a rough bump, the movement awkward with a pistol still in his hand.

Roxy grinned at them before releasing Jane and backing away. "Welp, here goes nothing." She spun around, whipping her rifle out as she charged at the drones, while Jake swore under his breath and darted after her. "Hey, traitorous shithead lackeys!" she shouted, killing her chances of taking the drones by surprise. "We gotta goddamn bone to pick with you!"

Rose waited only long enough to confirm they weren't about to get splattered before she said, "Let's get a move on. We can't waste time."

"Whatever you say, empress," Dirk said, stretching his shoulders and giving Jane a nod.

Rose bit her lower lip to suppress a grin. It wouldn't be very befitting for an empress to giggle at her new title, especially when it was said with a sarcastic edge anyway.

Jane moved ahead of Rose and beckoned them after her. "This way!"

As they ran, Rose heard gunshots and the blast of Roxy's laser rifle fire behind them. It made her shiver on instinct even though the barrel wasn't aimed at her this time. At least she didn't have to worry about Roxy's safety. If their battle had been anything to judge by, Roxy was more than capable of looking after herself in a fight.

For all Jane's experience as the glitch's right-hand man, she moved like someone unused to playing leader. Even at her fast pace, she didn't check over her shoulder to make sure no one had fallen behind. Rose wondered if there had ever been another troll to set hoof on Roxy's ship other than their ancestors.

They only had to detour to avoid drones once. Dirk grumbled about being able to take them, but he shut up quickly when Rose reminded him that he needed to save his energy for Daveglitch.

Jane took them through a shorter path than they'd managed on the reverse side of the journey through the ship. There were far fewer corridors and stairways involved before they stepped outside and onto the deck.

The engines were relatively quieter now that they were in standby mode, only hovering at their current altitude. Wind still whipped at them from such heights, but at least there wasn't any added force from acceleration.

The sky was covered in distant flickering cracks of light. The stars looked to have quadrupled, until Rose realized the sparks of light were just remnants of static. Daveglitch floated maybe twenty feet above the ship, his head stretched back to stare at the corrupted sky. Though his body barely moved, the static around him twisted and spread.

His head snapped towards them, his eyes wide, and Rose threw an arm out to halt the others on instinct. "Stay back."

"I./.." Daveglitch cocked his head. "...kn0W yo^u," he said. "Nn*n0sy b%r0ad? MaYbe." His eyes narrowed. "Y0u tr1eD t0 innNte(rferE bef*0re. A&nd FaiL%ED." His body swayed as if it were hanging limp by strings. "H3y..!." His mouth twisted into a parody of a smile. "D0n'tTt ge&t iN my wa#y th1s ti*me."

"That's _my_ line." Rose gritted her teeth and wrenched out her needles. Their tips already glowed with the start of a spell, but she didn't have the time to so much as aim before he disappeared in a flash. What-

He was behind her.

That was the only thought she had time for before he swung his sword and Jane slammed against him hard enough to send him skidding a good ten yards.

"TG!" Jade shouted as Daveglitch stumbled to his feet. "Please stop it!"

He flashstepped again. Jane let out a snarl and brandished a giant fork, quickly blocking another strike from Daveglitch's broken sword. She charged at him before he could regroup. She wasn't as fast as him, but she read his movements well enough to keep just ahead of him all the same.

Rose's bloodpusher raced and she clenched her fingers tighter around her weapons. Even Dave couldn't flashstep as fast as Daveglitch had, going from twenty feet above and ten feet in front of her to an inch behind her in less than a second. If Jane hadn't been there... If someone who hadn't been working as the glitch's aide for two thousand sweeps hadn't been there, and on her side, she'd be praying that Skaia wouldn't call backstabbing a "heroic" death.

She needed to call orders, to tell Dirk to join in the fray before Daveglitch could overwhelm Jane. To her pride's dismay, he didn't wait for her command. He tore after Jane of his own accord, flashstepping at the last second and almost catching Daveglitch off-guard enough to land a blow. Daveglitch blocked Dirk's katana with an inch to spare.

Even when Daveglitch tried to flashstep out of the fray, Dirk blocked him, giving Jane opportunity to strike from behind. Daveglitch blocked with ease, but they weren't giving him much room to counter their attacks. Maybe the two of them could actually match him in battle long enough to survive, unlike... unlike...

John caught Rose's left wrist while Kanaya slid her fingers over Rose's right knuckles, snapping her out of her thoughts.

It wasn't her duty to match him anyway. Rose straightened and breathed deeply before John could break out the shooshpaps. "Karkat," she said, fighting to keep her voice steady and firm, "this is where we leave you. Keep your distance in case they can't contain him."

Karkat cringed as he watched Jane make a stab at Daveglitch that never connected. "Do you seriously think those two have a fucking chance for more than five minutes?" he said, jerking a thumb at them. "Just let me-"

"Stay out of the way and don't jump into the battle unless it's an emergency, Karkat," Rose snapped and resisted the urge to cringe. Her nerves were still too damn frayed if she was getting snippy. She swallowed to settle her voice. "That's a fucking order."

"I'm the only one who has a chance of calming him down!"

"That's exactly why you're our most valuable asset and we _cannot_ risk losing you this early." She stared him hard in the eyes. "Is that clear?"

John caught Karkat's shoulder and nudged their temples against each other. "C'mon, Karkat, it'd really suck if you died."

Karkat growled. "Fucking whatever!" He threw his hands in the air. "We're all dying anyway! I may as well spend my last moments sitting uselessly on my ass!"

Jade marched forward and pointed a finger in his face. "Nuh-uh! Don't even get your jerky pessimism all over this mission!" She moved in close enough that he took a step back. "You can sit on your ass, whether it's useless or not, so that you're still alive when the rest of us survive this, mister! Got it?"

Karkat looked ready to argue with her, his lip curled in a snarl, but Kanaya spoke first. "We don't need to lose any more friends," she said, her voice quiet but firm.

He stared at her and deflated. "Fine," he muttered, dropping his gaze, "but no one gets to complain that I had the ' _easy_ ' job after this is done with."

John kissed his cheek. "We'll put in a footnote that Rose forced you and you only accepted while kicking and screaming."

"Kicking, screaming, and tearing my hair out." Karkat rolled his eyes and caught John's hand. "Don't do anything too brainless, you dumb turd."

"Any brainlessness will be on me, I'm afraid," Rose said, forcing a smirk. "Sorry to cut things short, but the faster we move, the less time we'll have to fuck up."

"Right!" John yanked Karkat into a tight hug so suddenly that Karkat barely scrambled to hug back in time before John released him and darted back to Rose.

"Stay safe, Karkat!" Jade called, waving over her shoulder as they put distance between themselves and the battle.

Karkat slumped against the wall, just by the door they'd exited, to watch Dirk and Jane duke it out with Daveglitch. Neither side had gained the upper hand, but at least neither of the adults had been injured yet or let Daveglitch break away.

Rose held Kanaya's hand as they ran the full length of the ship. Even without active pursuers, the static in the air was enough to encourage urgency.

All it would take was one slip-up on Dirk or Jane's part and they would have the source tearing into them. She wished she could have stayed at the battle to coach them, make sure they didn't break away from the most fortuitous path, but Kanaya needed her more.

She didn't stop until they reached the very front of the ship where they could look down over the bow. Rose could just make out the shadows of ocean waves far, far below them through wisps of clouds.

"Here." She jabbed her finger at the air in front of the ship. "If you open a new dimension right here, we can slip the ship into it."

Jade and John both floated off the ship, turning to look it up and down. "Wow, this is going to be really big!" Jade said with a grin.

Kanaya peeked over the edge and shied back immediately. "Maybe we should let Jade handle this. She has far more experience."

"Sort of?" Jade shrugged as she settled her feet back onto the ship. "You were in the game a long time too, but I guess I'm higher leveled." She frowned and waved a hand. It glowed with a green light that left a trail that faded after a second. "I don't think my witch powers let me do stuff like that, though, so it doesn't matter that I'm God Tier or any of that."

"I only managed it by a fluke last time. I don't even know if I can make something as large as we need. Or safe, for that matter."

Rose caught Kanaya's arm and turned her so they stared eye-to-eye. "If you've accessed these powers before, we know they're unlocked." She leaned in and pressed her lips against Kanaya's, holding them together for a good ten seconds. When she pulled away, Kanaya's cheeks reddened and she stared at Rose with wide eyes. "I wouldn't have asked you to do this if I didn't have faith in your ability," Rose murmured.

"Rose..." Kanaya stepped closer until they could feel each other's breath.

"It's okay, Kanaya!" Jade said. She clapped and grinned while John very deliberately averted his eyes to stare at the sky instead. "You'll do great! And I'll be here to support you whenever you need help!"

"You aren't doing this on your own." Rose squeezed Kanaya's hand before releasing it. "You just have to begin it."

Kanaya took a deep breath, hesitating another moment before she nodded. "All right." She raised her head and turned toward the front of the ship. Jade hopped by her side, beaming at her, and Kanaya managed a small smile back.

Kanaya closed her eyes and raised her hands. A tear in space broke open.

* * *

Dave braced himself for the off-chance that time travel wouldn't work so well outside of Sgrub. How did game-specific powers interact with a non-game environment anyway? Daveglitch had done it, but that asshole broke the rules of the game as if they were iPhone screens on a date with concrete.

The same asshole had also infected the universe to basically act as an extension of Sgrub, so it wasn't that surprising that Dave's timetables worked the same as they always had: their surroundings disappeared in a flash of red as they slipped backwards through the timeline.

"So, we're not stopping him at the source, are we?" Terezi's grip on him tightened, her fingers digging into his shirt, but human nails weren't sharp enough to cause much pain. He'd rather she cling anyway, since his hands were stuck on the timetables and he couldn't grab her if she threatened to fall. "That doesn't feel safe. Like, all Seer signs in my brain are painting that as a really bad idea."

"Nah, time travel doesn't work that way," he said. "That'd just land us in a doomed timeline. You'd know more about that shit if your Time player hadn't jumped ship so fast." Dave fought the urge to twitch his fingers. He'd never scratched so far back in time before and it felt weird to stay in transit for longer than a couple days. "We're going to stumble on him after he's already done all the time traveling he's paradoxically required to do, then make sure he goes linear from there."

"It on me to tell you whether he's far enough into his future that we're allowed to pummel him?" she said, making a face.

"I think Rose handled it when she gave me coordinates." He grit his teeth as he felt their target time approach. Maybe they should have gone for a practice run before he tried to hit an exact date four fucking sweeps ago.

No big deal. Just let instinct take over. Time travel was all about following instincts and trusting shit to fall into place.

He lifted his hands off the timetables and their blurry surroundings sharpened into focus. Their hear ducts were assaulted with the bustle of a city at midnight: shouting, swearing, and traffic. Familiar hivestems towered above them.

Terezi released her grip on him and pressed a hand to her temple. "Is it always that fucking abrupt? Jesus, I think I'm motion sick."

"More or..." He trailed off. That was his fucking past self disappearing through the front doors of their hivestem. The tiny bastard hadn't even looked their way, but even if he had, they looked nothing alike. Two-sweep-old Dave was still wearing a gray anonymous symbol even, too young to have conceived anything as ironically badass as wearing his blood color in plain sight.

The pink alien might have stood out to memory if he'd spotted her though. She was kind of an unusual sight regardless. City folk were used to weird shit and mostly didn't give them a second glance, but a few were starting to stare at the undocumented alien. Hopefully they'd assume she was a troll in weird costume just long enough that they could...

Daveglitch appeared in front of the hivestem at the end of a flashstep and tilted his head all the way back to stare at the top of the building. The fucker had been _following_ him -- younger him -- like a goddamn stalker? What the fuck for? He couldn't harm Dave without dooming the timeline, so why the hell... Dave's insides squirmed. He was making sure his future host survived long enough to get possessed in the future. How fucking considerate.

"Spotted him," Dave said to Terezi, keeping his voice quiet as he equipped his sword.

She tensed. "Block left," she said in the split second before he shot towards Daveglitch. His momentum was too fast to turn back and ask for clarification, so he just kept going.

For a short but amazing moment, Daveglitch didn't notice his oncoming attacker and Dave almost believed that Rose had actually led him to the precise second he could beat Daveglitch. He should be so lucky. Daveglitch's eye snapped his direction at the last second and that was all it took for him to flashstep fast enough to block the attack.

Dave tried to follow up his failed slash with a kick to the knee, but Daveglitch disappeared with another flashstep. He was too fast to follow and there was no damn way of knowing where he'd gone. There was nothing for it. Dave blocked left.

He stumbled as Daveglitch's attack rammed into him and metal clashed against metal. Daveglitch actually looked startled to find his sword hadn't made contact with any flesh.

"Yeah, how do you like that, you fucking parasite?" Dave shoved Daveglitch back and slashed at him, but Daveglitch had already recovered from his surprise and flashstepped out of reach again.

"Another left!" Terezi shouted.

Dave shifted and actually saw the blur of red just before Daveglitch reappeared. Dave switched his sword to a single hand so he could block and throw a punch at the same time. He missed smashing his knuckles against Daveglitch's face by two inches, but on the upside, Daveglitch's slash hadn't hit its mark either.

Daveglitch curled his lip. "Sh0uld hav#E kn0wN th/e Kn1Gh&t 0f T1mE c0p^y i*Ss juSt as miNDle_ssLy stUbB0r)N a]s tHe 0rigina%l." He disappeared.

"Above!"

Dave leapt backwards and couldn't help but smirk when Daveglitch's aerial assault only struck concrete. Bystanders were starting to stop and watch, but so far they were more keen on observing the fight as entertainment rather than interfering.

"Hey, fuck you, bro." Dave stood tall and readied his weapon. "I'm the real Strider here."

"FR0m y0u#r pe[rSpeCct1ve." Daveglitch gave him a disgusted glance as he yanked his sword out of the crack he'd created in the sidewalk. "Y0u'll b*rEak l1ke He d1d ev_entu^ally e1th(er wAy." He flashstepped away.

"Behind you!" Terezi said.

Dave spun around just in time to sidestep Daveglitch's stab. Dave maintained the momentum from the spin to elbow Daveglitch in the bloodpusher cage and heard a satisfying crack for his efforts.

Daveglitch let out a cry of pain and stumbled forward, out of Dave's reach. He hunched over and kept cradling the side of his chest no matter how often he tried to drop his arm.

"Sorry, who's breaking who here?" Dave said with a smirk.

Daveglitch backed away, leveling a steady glare at Dave. His weapon disappeared into his sylladex and Dave tensed. There was no way in hell that was a good sign. What was he about to pull? The glitch would never just fucking give up.

The timetables came out instead of a weapon.

Dave darted forward. Not again, not again, he was not losing this stupid asshole to time travel _again_. "Don't you fucking dare, you piece of-" He slashed at thin air as Daveglitch disappeared in a flash of red light. Dave lowered his weapon and clenched his teeth. "Fuck."

Terezi leapt on his back so suddenly that Dave almost jumped. "Two hundred and eight years, nine weeks, and three days back!" she shouted, clinging to his shirt.

"What?"

"That's where he went, dumbass!" She shoved her head against his. "You think I can't see our next choice? If we want the good ending, we're going back two hundred and eight years, nine weeks, and three days!"

He groaned and pulled out his time tables again. They needed to make a get-away before any trolls from the gawking crowd approached them anyway. "Fucking bossy."

"Saving your miserable life, you mean."

"Same difference." He put his hands to the timetables again, running his fingers far faster than he'd ever dared before because _fuck_ waiting for his normal speed to get them through more than two hundred fucking... years? What the hell was a year? Why did his fingers seem to know how to count in years on his timetables even though he had no clue how many nights that involved? Well, it wasn't like he knew how many minutes or seconds went into a sweep either, yet that had never hurt his accuracy.

The city was the same and yet completely unfamiliar when they landed two hundred and eight "years" ago. The buildings were right... mostly... Okay, there were a couple missing with some imposters sitting in their place, but more noticeably the signage was all wrong. When the hell had there been a restaurant across the street?

Terezi slipped off his back. "Block right this time."

"Got it," he said, readying his sword.

He'd kind of assumed Daveglitch was hiding somewhere, lurking for a sneak attack, but instead he appeared in a flash of red light thirty seconds after they arrived.

He stared daggers at them.

"You're late, dude," Dave said. "Thought you were gonna stand us up."

Daveglitch snarled and charged. Even the injury didn't slow him down; he just cringed more often as he flashstepped faster than Dave's gander bulbs had a chance in hell of following.

Dave blocked right, then left, then left again, following each of Terezi's instructions before he even had time to process the words. It was the only thing that kept him alive, he was pretty damn sure.

It wasn't long before Daveglitch withdrew from battle and brought out the timetables again. He'd barely even disappeared before Terezi shouted, "One year, one month, two days in the past!"

Dave sighed as he switched his weapon out for the timetables. This shit was going to take a lot longer than expected. Thanks for the fucking warning, Rose.

He soon lost track of how often he had to chase Daveglitch through time, restarting the same damn battle over and over. Sometimes they went a thousand sweeps into the past, other times only three days. Terezi directed him to a few seconds before Daveglitch arrived each time, never allowing the glitchy asshole a moment to regroup.

The worst part was that Dave couldn't _actually_ kill the bastard without breaking the time loop. Not that he even had a chance in hell of landing a lethal blow, but all the damn same, how was it fair that he had to hold back when he was already the weaker party?

At least he avoided injuries, with Terezi acting as tactician. Daveglitch couldn't even reach her the times he targeted her instead of Dave, as she'd predict his moves and dodge him until Dave charged in to make it two-against-one, at which point Daveglitch was quick to retreat.

"Eighty years, fourteen weeks, two days, _forward_!" she said, grabbing hold of Dave as was the routine as soon as Daveglitch time traveled away.

Humans weighed like nothing. He could carry one on his back as easily as he could bench press a pillow. Yet after... how many fucking hours? After too many fucking hours, she felt heavy and his muscles whined at the chore.

He shuddered. He wasn't even used to traveling forward in time yet, but at least Rose had been right that he'd unlocked it before he needed it. "Let me catch my damn breath first."

She furrowed her brow. "You okay, coolkid?"

Dave's air tunnel was dry and it stung with each heavy breath he took, but the pain was worth refilling his lungs. "I've been fighting with a maniac for how many straight hours now?" His voice came out too damn weak. He swallowed and straightened, pulling out his timetables. "I'll be fine, it's cool. We still got this."

She was quiet a moment, frowning, before she murmured, "Maybe we should stop for now."

"Nah." Dave slid his fingers over the timetables. "He'll slip up soon. We're starting to piss him off."

"Left, up, left, right, left this time," she said as they shot through the timeline.

"Got it," he said, still breathing heavily.

Daveglitch should have been long used to finding them waiting for him at his destination. That didn't stop his hackles from rising when he caught sight of them.

"FU/C&K 0/^FF."

Dave laughed, blocking Daveglitch's first sloppy attack. "Getting nervous, bulgebag?"

Daveglitch bore his fangs, his static fluctuating at a quicker rate. "A[n 1nfer1^or d0%ubLe l1k3 y0U hAaas n0 r1gHt t0 e*x1sT!"

"Not to imitate a Lalonde, but it sounds like someone's got self-esteem issues that they're projecting all over the damn place." Dave shoved him back and stabbed at him, hitting nothing but air. "Like, we're talking projectile vomited self-esteem issues, splattered all over the fucking walls." He stepped back and raised his sword to block Daveglitch's attack when he shot at him from the air. His knees still wanted to buckle from the weight of the blow. "You'd better get a goddamn rag out and start cleaning before the guests arrive, you inhospitable piece of shit."

"Y0^u're ANN&N0Y1NG, mu#taNt." Daveglitch slammed his sword against Dave's again uselessly. His mouth quirked into a sneer as Dave's arms trembled. "A&nd j/uSt a w3ak cr^eaTure an*ywAy."

Daveglitch flashstepped away and Dave immediately turned to block to his left. Nothing.

He lowered his sword after a few seconds. The fuck was Daveglitch playing at? He'd never taken long between attacks. Block left, block left, block left, but he couldn't actually block too soon or it'd be too easy to attack around it. Dave waited, his fingers twitching in anticipation. His sword felt so damn heavy.

"Careful, coolkid," Terezi said, wrinkling her nose and fidgeting with her cane.

"It's unprofessional to act worried, you kn- fuck!"

Daveglitch shot at him from the left and Dave's limbs felt so heavy that his reaction time turned to shit. He raised his sword just fast enough to knock off Daveglitch's aim so that the attack meant for his face went a little higher but not high enough. The hilt of Daveglitch's sword still collided with a target, even if it was a less lethal spot.

Dave heard the crack before he felt any pain. He saw shards of yellow and orange fall to the ground and he lashed his claws out on instinct, slicing four cuts into Daveglitch's cape, but the pain was still too fresh to register.

Daveglitch snarled and leapt back, using Dave's disorientation as an opening to withdraw his timetables and disappear again.

 _Then_ the pain hit, shooting down his scalp like an iron making its way through his veins.

"FUCK!" Dave fell to his knees, his head in his hands. Shit, shit, fuck, that had not just happened, he had not fucked up like that. How much damage had he seriously let himself take like a goddamn idiot?

He traced his fingers over the right side of his scalp. The base was still there, he still had a horn, it still- Oh god, it wasn't supposed to end that soon. It was not supposed to feel that jagged at the end -- it was supposed to end in a fucking _point_ \-- but there it was. Messily broken off at the halfway point and stinging like hell.

Terezi was by his side in an instant, fumbling for him. "What's wrong? Are you bleeding? Don't you fucking dare be injured and leave me alone on an alien planet!" She found his arm and slid her fingertips up, following it all the way to the damage. Her face hardened as she touched the broken end of his horn. "That son of a bitch."

He let out a noise that was absolutely not under any circumstances a whimper.

"Hey..." She hugged him around his shoulders. "At least all those assholes with vision can tell you two apart now."

"C-call me crazy, T'z, but I don't think that was an actual concern." He moaned, leaning his face against her chest. The pain was starting to subside already, but goddamn.

"Thought you knew to follow my commands!"

"I fucking _did_. I just..." He cringed. "I'm goddamn tired and it slowed me down, all right?"

She rested her chin between his horns. "We need to take a break before you get killed, Strider," she muttered and sighed. "You know somewhere we can lie low for a few hours before we go chasing the glitchy shithead again?"

"No," he muttered. They couldn't go back to the present without risking the timeline's integrity or, worse, napping through the end of the universe. Where on Alternia was it safe for a mutant and an alien to hide out? The only place he'd ever been "safe" was... He hesitated. "No, I mean... yeah. Two hundred and twelve sweeps from now, the day I got stranded at a friend's hive and couldn't make it back to the hivestem 'til dusk." He shuddered and raised his head. The pain around his horn twinged but he forced himself to ignore it. "Wanna break into my place and pass out?"

She smiled a little and stood with him. "Always." She rubbed his right shoulder and pressed her cheek against the left one as he readied his timetables. "Wait, does this mean I'm meeting your dad?"

Oh. Right. His lusus wasn't going to be dead yet. His lusus was going to see him with a girl and a broken horn. Too late to worry about that when his fingers had already scratched at his timetables. "It means I am so fucking grounded."

* * *

Dire circumstances aside, Jade liked working with Kanaya. She was nice, they had an aspect in common, and Jade had enjoyed guiding her through her planetary quest of breeding a Genesis Frog. And Jade wanted to help in whatever ways she could, so she was pretty happy to play Kanaya's guide again as she stumbled through mastering her Space powers.

It took a couple of false starts. Kanaya could create the tear in dimensions without too much trouble, but it poofed out of existence after a few seconds.

Jade kept smiling. "Just relax and it'll come really natural once you get the hang of it. You're doing great!" she said, trying to be as encouraging as possible because the last thing Kanaya needed was a reminder of their time limit and the consequences if they couldn't escape the infected universe fast enough.

Once Kanaya held open a tear for long enough that they were satisfied it was stable, Jade held up both of her hands and willed the tear to expand. The Space felt foreign, yet just familiar enough that she could lock onto it with her own powers. What started as a black line barely thicker than Jade's arm slowly doubled in size as she encouraged it. It was trickier than resizing normal objects and felt almost like blowing up a balloon: if she wasn't cautious, she was sure it would pop from the strain.

She felt the strain lessen as Kanaya stood up straighter and steadied her arms, spreading her fingers wide and pouring more of her power into the newly created Space.

"See?" Jade beamed. "We've got this!"

Jade grew the tear slowly, making sure they weren't creating too much too quickly for Kanaya to withstand. For every inch that Kanaya fed into her dimension, Jade could safely stretch it at least another foot.

John hovered over them and peered into the slowly forming new dimension. "We're really going to go live in there? It's fucking empty."

Rose chuckled. "That _was_ the point of bringing along a giant battleship for decoration and shelter."

"Yeah, I guess it's better than dying." John still made a face before floating back to the ship.

Jade huffed. Did they have to talk as if Kanaya's hard work was something icky that they were just settling for? Right in front of her too! "I like your dimension, Kanaya!" she said with a grin. "It's got lots and lots of potential!"

Kanaya blushed a bit. "Oh, er, thank you. I'm just relieved it works at all."

They grew the hole to the size of a large hive. They'd need to at least double their efforts if they wanted to make sure it was large enough to comfortably fit the battleship, but Jade didn't see how that would be a problem once she and Kanaya had found their groove. They just needed a little time, that was all!

The ship shuddered with a metallic groan and Jade braced her feet to keep her balance.

"What the hell was that?" John said, then cringed as their hear ducts were barraged with the high-pitched squeal of microphone feedback.

"Uh, hey, guuuys?" The feedback faded as a voice echoed around them, coming from a speaker system somewhere on the outside of the ship. The feminine voice sounded familiar, maybe like Roxy's, but Jade wasn't positive until it continued, "This is Ro-Lal speaking, if you can't tell. Me and Jake got rid of the free-roaming drones and are back on the bridge."

Jade would have clapped for them if her hands weren't very much busy helping Kanaya from keeping their nice new escape route from collapsing on itself. Oh well, it wasn't like they would have been able to tell she'd done it, unless they were checking security footage.

"So," Roxy cleared her throat, "hopefully y'all can hear me and the intercoms aren't fucking up, 'cos this is pretty important shit." She laughed nervously and Jade could have sworn she heard something below them buzzing. "The thing is, we were trying to access drone storage to finish off the ones in stasis. And the goddamn default door for the unlock sequence opens the _outer_ doors instead'a the interior ones. Um, yeah. Did ya know some were bred to fly? Badass, right? Except not."

Jade glanced over at Rose, whose face was a rigid blank.

"Sorry, you've got incoming drones," Roxy said, the words slurred in a rush. "A buncha them. We'll be there to take care of this shit in like two secs, promise! But in the meantime, sorry, we suck." The speakers went quiet.

Rose equipped her needles and said quietly, "John, get your hammer out."

John nodded and did so, taking to the air. The buzzing grew louder as drones hovered up the sides of the ship, their wings beating faster than the eye could follow.

"Should we-" Jade began, but Rose cut her off with a glare.

"Stay on-task. We'll handle this." Rose made a full three-sixty, surveying the ship. Drones were flying up from all the directions, but mostly from starboard, where their exit must have been. There were dozens of drones, maybe even a couple hundred. "Shit," Rose muttered. "John, we can't let these interfere with Dirk and Jane when Daveglitch is already more than they can handle. Go hold them off."

John flew a few yards without a moment's pause, then hesitated, glancing back. "But what about you guys?"

Rose shot a bolt of magic at the nearest drone, taking its head clean off. "I'll kill any that come our way. Do you want Karkat fighting these things on his own?"

John's eyes went wide. "Aw, fuck no!" He shot off towards where they'd left Daveglitch with Jane and Dirk, hitting any nearby drones with a gust of wind as he went.

"Are you sure we'll be all right out in the open?" Kanaya said, keeping her hands up to stabilize the dimensional tear but pausing her work otherwise.

"One, we don't have a choice. Two, yes." Rose flew up to get a better aim as she fired a spell from one needle, then the other at two approaching drones.

They only had a couple of drones at a time coming their way at first, which was barely any effort for Rose to dispatch. Bit by bit, their numbers increased from pairs to threes all the way to fives. They must have caught on to where the intruders were gathered and reorganized their efforts accordingly, as they made bee-lines for either the bow or the area on the deck close to the entrance, where John and the others were fighting.

Rose shot as many drones out of the air as she could, lighting the sky in white streaks, but there were fast more drones than she could hit in time. One flew in close enough that Rose had to duck back to avoid a swipe from its claws. She stabbed it in the hand with one needle before blasting its chest with the other. Eight more drones were following close behind it.

"Hang on, I can help!" Jade said, trying to ease off her influence in Kanaya's work in hopes it would stay put even without her.

"Don't you fucking dare leave your post!" Rose's voice was strained and high-pitched as she shouted, the uncharacteristically desperate tone enough that Jade stayed put.

Kanaya cringed. "How are we supposed to concentrate on this while you're in danger?"

"It's more important for you to finish your task than for me to get out of this uninjured!" Rose shuddered from the effort as she waved her needle and unleashed a strong spell, letting the bolt of magic strike multiple drones like a whip.

"But-"

"No, she's right." Jade swallowed and tore her eyes away from the battle. "This is what we need to do to save everybody. If we fail, Rose is dead for sure." She forced a smile. "Let's make this awesome new dimension big enough that we can get out of here as fast as possible, okay?"

Kanaya's gander bulbs looked wet, but she bit her lower lip and nodded. She furrowed her brow and Jade felt a surge of extra space to play with in their new dimension. Jade manipulated it to its largest size. They only needed a few more minutes at this rate and...

A drone landed four feet from them and Kanaya yelped. It took all of Jade's will not to whip out her rifle and shoot it in the head. She _had_ to keep her hands concentrating on their job. They'd gone too far to start over when there was an uncertain time limit looming over them. Rose blasted its head off half a second later anyway.

Jade wished John would come back to help, but maybe he was just as overwhelmed as Rose was, even with Karkat fighting by his side. She wasn't sure how long Rose could last on her own though, with dozens of drones still flying through the air, and then where would they be?

She heard a gunshot in the distance and her bloodpusher leapt in excitement. There were only two other people with firearms in their strife specibus on board. She would have welcomed either's arrival, but it was even better that they were together. Roxy tore across the deck towards them, her rifle aimed high as she blasted holes in drone after drone. Jake followed closely and sprayed bullets in whatever Roxy missed or failed to finish off in one shot.

"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, and especially you!" Roxy shouted with each shot that she landed. She slowed to turn in a circle, firing steadily to clear out the immediate area.

Jake ran past her and continued all the way to the bow. He shot one of the two drones Rose was holding off while she stabbed the other one.

"You lasses holding up all right?" Jake kept his weapons raised and stood back-to-back with Rose.

"Fucking peachy," Rose said, her voice weak as she caught her breath.

"We really appreciate the reinforcements!" Jade said over her shoulder.

Jake winced. "Yes, sorry about this hullabaloo. Roxy's not used to the controls without a guiding hand and, well, I've never touched any of those doodads to begin with! I'm sure I could get the hang of it with time, but..." He trailed off and shot a drone straight through the head.

"Jade!" Kanaya said suddenly, snapping Jade's attention forward again.

She was terrified that something had gone wrong with the dimensional tear, but it was still in one large piece and growing steadily. A handful of drones had flown around to the front of the ship and were making their way down towards the bow.

"Oh no." Jade took a step back but didn't dare move further without risking the integrity of their work. "Guys!" she shouted.

Jake darted to them, planting himself between Jade and the oncoming drones. He raised his pistols and fired rapidly, riddling the drones with bullets. Most of them dropped from the sky, but one just stumbled and kept flying towards them. Even as its wings went still in death, its momentum was enough that it was going to crash into them.

Jake turned his head away and screwed his eyes shut, but he stayed his ground.

"Jake, watch out!" Jade shouted. He wasn't really trying to shield them, was he? Did he actually think that his body would act as an effective barrier when the object about to crash into them was so big?

She was a moment from teleporting him away before they could _both_ get hurt when a laser shot over Jake's shoulder and hit the drone hard enough that it spun off-course and crashed against the walls of the ship.

Jade let out a sigh of relief, though Jake took another few seconds before he dared to peek.

"C'mon, Jake, we gotta be role models here," Roxy called, planting herself next to Rose as she kept her rifle hoisted. "Show these kids how to kick butt and take names!"

Jake laughed nervously. "Oh, obviously."

"How are John and the others holding up?" Rose said, her voice rough and tired.

Roxy snorted. "He keeps hitting them with wind when they get too close so they gotta go single file-like, at which point the shouty human cuts 'em up."

"Well, thank fuck something's gone okay." Rose readied her weapons with shaking arms.

"Whoa, nuh-uh." Roxy held a palm up. "No, no, no, hon, you've done your share." She pointed from Rose to the deck. "You take a goddamn breather and let the grown-ups be responsible for their dumb shit now."

Rose stepped around Roxy and blasted a drone from the sky. "Sorry, but I'll only do that once I'm sure the dumb shit is over."

Roxy wrinkled her nose. "Fuckin' rude."

"I'll keep watch on this side before they can get near!" Jake said, standing on the edge of the ship and aiming his guns downwards. He squinted and fired, pumping his fist when he landed a hit.

"Jake?" Jade said quietly.

Jake kept his eyes peeled on the clouds below them as he answered, "Yes'm?"

"I'm sorry I got mad and shot your quadrantmate." She frowned. "I wish you'd done things differently, but... it was probably really difficult for you too and I should have been nicer about that."

Jake's shoulders drooped. "You sorted this tommyrot out better in an hour than I managed in two thousand sweeps, my dear." He glanced at her with a small smile. "I'm the one who should apologize. I was unfairly terse with you and I should never have put you in that position to begin with. You and Dirk both deserve better."

"No one does everything right on the first try." Jade smiled back. "I think you're already neater than I was giving you credit for."

He chuckled nervously. "Ah, well, thanks."

Rose kept the drones well at bay now that she had two adults acting as back-up. No matter how many littered the air, a bullet or laser or spell was quick to knock it down long before it could reach them. Kanaya seemed all the more determined to finish her work in the midst of their small victory, giving Jade lots of room to expand the opening.

Not long after the drone numbers had thinned to single digits, the wind picked up. Jade knew without looking that John had returned, even before he said, "Holy shit, Rose, you look awful!"

"Thank you, John." Rose sighed and leaned against his shoulder. "That's exactly what a girl wants to hear after a grueling battle."

"Welp." Roxy wiped at her brow and lowered her weapon as she surveyed the sky. "That was fucking insane. But, uh, on the upside, I am _pretty damn sure_ we got all the drones dead now and we didn't even have to track them down."

Jade thought that sounded more lazy than an upside, but it didn't really matter since everyone was okay in the end.

She grinned at Kanaya. "Ready to finish this?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is halfway done because I killed writer's block. I killed it with my favorite sword. The village is safe from its tyranny. Words can now roam free and create beautiful sentences together. This metaphor is running away from me fast and I should probably quit while I'm ahead.
> 
> Point is, writer's block is horrible but I want this story done, so screw writer's block, I'll just keep putting words on the page until they make sense somehow.


	44. Act 3.11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so close to over now. I'm... I'm not used to wrapping up stories this long. Maybe I'd better take a leaf out of a professional's book to make sure I execute this properly! Hmm, okay... Looks like it's time for six pages of monologue between the protagonist and villain, one single paragraph to describe the ensuing battle, and an epilogue set twenty years later featuring John's children Bunnysprite Rose, Dave Gamzee, and Jane Jade.
> 
> No, that would be stupid. Here's Act 3.11 instead.

Dave jerked awake to a sharp smack across his face.

" _Ow,_ " he said, cringing despite himself.

Terezi leaned over him and twisted her mouth. She wasn't wearing her glasses for once, so her unfocused teal and white human eyes stared down in his general direction. "You were yelling in your sleep again."

He groaned and flopped his head back against the couch. The dream had already faded from memory, but it had probably involved drones or purplebloods. That was the usual shit, anyway. "You mean you slapped me out of a sweetass dream where I was in some kind of awesome battle and practicing my war cry?"

"Nah, you sounded pretty scared to me, coolkid." She jerked a thumb over her shoulder. "Crabdad was even making his concerned click-y noises at you."

Dave's lusus had climbed halfway out of its nest in the corner. When he listened carefully, Dave could hear the quiet clicking noise reserved for when it was worried for its wiggler. The clicking had grown less frequent the older Dave got, as his lusus switched from coddling him to preparing him to survive in the real world where everything was out to fucking cull him, but they were early enough in the timeline that his lusus still gave him a little more leeway for shit like nightmares.

The hive was almost unrecognizable as the same Sgrub-influenced wreck from the present -- or future, or whatever it counted as anymore after so much goddamn time traveling around Alternia. Most notably, his furniture was still in place and nothing had been thrown out the window to make room for an alchemiter or such crap. The walls were a little too barren, not yet covered in the ironic posters his younger self would collect over the next sweep, but it was almost possible to lie back against the couch and pretend all the shit from Sgrub was a bad dream.

He sighed and rubbed his gander bulbs. Light still leaked in through the windows, but it would be evening soon enough that there was no point in passing out again. "Why the hell do you even call him that?"

She shrugged. "Because he's your dad and he's a crab." She crawled up to pet along his horn, her fingertips trailing the broken edge. At least the pain had faded after a few nights; it didn't even sting with pressure anymore. She frowned and switched to his intact horn. "You should've slept in your weird anti-nightmare goop again."

"Can't. Past me's gonna be home in like three hours, not enough time for the slime to settle. He might notice some asshole was crashing in his hive." He wrapped an arm around the back of her waist so he didn't knock her over as he sat up. "We better get lost before he's back anyway."

She let out a huff, giving his horn a good squeeze before releasing it. "Past you always ruins our vacations." She shoved herself off his lap and pressed her glasses onto her face.

"If this is a vacation, it's the most conksuckiest one I ever heard of." He stretched as he got to his feet. His muscles hurt from night after night after fucking night of chasing Daveglitch around the timeline. They'd learned the hard way to call it a fucking day before he wore himself out enough to make amateur mistakes, but that didn't mean his body wasn't goddamn sick of the effort already, even with rest in-between.

His lusus came up behind him and shoved its snout against Dave's shoulder, letting out a confused cry.

Dave batted it away. "Yeah, dude, I know I'm a sweep older than I oughta be!"

"Hey, be nicer to Crabdad." Terezi fumbled around until her hand made contact with his lusus's elbow. She followed its limb to pat its claw. "He's just confused why these two coolkids keep barging into his apartment over the years. Where did they come from? Why don't they grace him with their awesome presence more often? Will his baby Dave truly grow up to be that cool?"

Dave always tensed when she got that close to his lusus, but it was too busy sniffing at her to bite, still utterly baffled by this weirdass hot alien who'd taken up with its wiggler. Whatever. So long as it didn't get aggressive towards her.

He headed for the kitchen and called over his shoulder, "He should know damn well that his ward is gonna grow up to be as kickass as I am. He should also be used to us showing up at random by now."

"Yeah, I guess. What are we on now? Day thirty?"

"That shit doesn't convert easy when time looping, but it's night thirty-two by my count." He rummaged through the cupboards for whatever would be easiest to steal without his past self suspecting anything had gone missing. Usually that just meant toast. It was pretty damn hard to notice if toast supplies were down by two servings.

"Guess a Knight of Time would know." Terezi wandered over, smirking. She was so used to crashing in his apartment day after day that she didn't even have to use her cane to get around the place anymore.

He threw together a quick breakfast using as few utensils as possible to lower chances that his past self would notice anything off and passed Terezi a plain slice of toasted loaf. He'd long since learned to stop even asking if she wanted to try grubsauce.

His lusus watched them from afar, sometimes grumbling, rarely wandering over to sniff at Terezi or butt at Dave. Even though it was being a total nuisance, Dave couldn't bring himself to smack it hard across the snout like he used to when it wouldn't give him space. It wasn't being an asshole for once, so why not let it be?

"So, you pulled us out of the fight early yesterday for a reason. What're we doing tonight?" Dave said as he bit into his food, because who the fuck cared if he chewed with his mouth open? Not like she could see it.

"The same thing we do every night, Strider." She held her head high. "Make old cartoon references that aliens won't get!"

He snorted. "There is no such thing as a media reference that I do not get."

"I would take that as such a fucking challenge if we weren't on a schedule." She rubbed a crumb off her lips. "We've got an opportunity to end this at our next stop, which is why I wanted you all rested and refreshed before we took it on."

"Sounds foreboding. What's the plan?"

"Left, up, duck, left again, finish him." She pointed her finger in each relevant direction as she spoke, ending with a flick.

He raised an eyebrow. That sounded way too damn easy and basically the same as all of their previous strategies. "That's it?"

She nodded, smirking a touch. "That, plus I'm hopping in to help your useless ass this time."

"You sure that's a good idea?" He swallowed and cleared his throat, trying not to sound worried at the idea of his matesprit going up against the violentass source of most of their problems. "I'm faster than you and the only reason I've survived against the shithead for this long is 'cos you've been bossing me around."

"We've been chasing him for over thirty days. He's tired and desperate enough that we want to overwhelm him now."

That was not remotely reassuring but it wasn't like he had a chance in hell of talking her out of it. "Okay, but if you die, I'm fucked. I hope you're aware of that."

She patted his shoulder. "I know all too well that I'm the most important person in the universe, don't worry."

He shook his head and wolfed down the rest of his food. If this was seriously the last time he'd have to fight Daveglitch, it couldn't happen soon enough. He just hoped her Seer powers weren't out of whack after such constant use for pretty much a full perigee.

"All right, let's bounce," he said as soon as they were finished and everything was returned to its proper place.

She nodded in his lusus's general direction. "Say bye to him properly first, Dave," she murmured.

"What?"

"Just do it." She nudged him. "Unless you fuck this up, I don't think we're coming back here anymore."

He shrugged but made his way over to his lusus all the same, hand raised in a casual wave. "See ya, dude." He hesitated. "Well. You'll see me anyway." He bumped a fist against his lusus's claw. "Thanks for keeping me safe as a wiggler. Ya did a pretty sweet job of making sure I could fend for myself without you."

It leaned down and bonked its head against Dave's in a rough nuzzle, then shrieked right into his hear duct.

Dave cringed. "Yeah, uh. Miss you too or whatever the _hell_ that was." He patted his lusus's head until it retreated and he could safely return to Terezi's side. "When are we headed?"

She hopped onto his back, wrapping her legs around his waist and flopping her arms over his shoulders. "Twenty thousand six hundred and twelve years, eight months, two days. Past, obviously. The future doesn't last that far."

He equipped his timetables. "Shit, my work's cut out for me."

"Good thing we just rested up then!" Terezi raised an arm and waved. "Thanks for hosting us again, Mr. Crabdad!"

His lusus cocked its head and Dave put his hands to the timetables before it was tempted to bellow at them again. They shot into the past.

He was starting to get the hang of traveling longer distances, swiping his fingers so they were five thousand sweeps back in half a second and still hurtling towards their destination. It took less effort to land twenty thousand years in the past than it had taken the first time he navigated one hundred sweeps back.

The city was nothing more than a town that far in the past, the buildings only a few stories tall at most instead of skyscrapers. It was dark out and the stars were almost as bright and numerous as they'd looked over Rose's hive in the middle of the goddamn ocean. Only two or three trolls were outside but all of them were adults, so they'd landed well before the ban was in effect.

While the witnesses were fewer, they stared more than a city crowd ever bothered. Dave pulled Terezi into the shadows of the nearest building to wait less conspicuously.

Right on schedule, Daveglitch appeared in a flash of red light thirty seconds after them.

He was haggard. Unlike his opponents, he'd had no chance to rest between their fights, as they always caught him at his next destination, and even his half-digital body was wearing down from the stress of a non-stop battle. He was no longer surprised to find Dave already waiting for him. He just raised a sword and flashstepped.

Dave was so used to Daveglitch's rhythm that he didn't even have to equip his weapon until the split second before he threw it up to block Daveglitch's strike. He guessed computers weren't so hot at changing up their tactics in the small ways that mattered.

Instead of ducking back to call emergency orders, Terezi brandished her cane and leapt into the fray. She swung at Daveglitch's back and Dave almost laughed at Daveglitch's bewildered expression as he narrowly dodged her. Yeah, bitch, it was time to get pulverized by the tiny pink alien too.

Daveglitch flashstepped to the air, where Dave could have followed if he wanted to risk getting attacked from any and every direction while Terezi was stuck on the ground. Instead Dave watched for the first sign of a red blur and blocked upwards.

Wow, okay, Terezi could have mentioned who he was ducking from in her orders. She swung her cane at his head and he dropped to his knees to avoid it. Daveglitch was still pressing his attack against Dave's block and the sudden movement threw his momentum off so that he descended a few more inches, in perfect reach for Terezi's cane to clock him on the shoulder.

Daveglitch stumbled to the ground and disappeared in another flashstep before Terezi could strike again.

Dave leapt to his feet to block Daveglitch's inevitable assault. He countered the attack from one side while Terezi swung from the other side, forcing Daveglitch to leap back so fast that he struck a building.

There was only one Seer-mandated order left, but what the fuck did "finish him" even mean beyond a video game reference? Fucking Seers could never just be straightforward about shit. Nah, they had to encourage freewill and all that dumb crap.

They practically had Daveglitch cornered against a wall though, so that was something. He could have gotten past their defenses by taking to the air, but the pressure was enough that he opted to retreat instead: the timetables came out.

It was the closest in proximity to them that he'd ever tried to time travel. Dave was pretty damn sure he'd figured out what "finishing" him entailed.

He flashstepped forward and for once he reached Daveglitch before he could scratch the records. He drove his sword through Daveglitch's left timetable at the same moment that Terezi threw her cane into his right timetable. Both time traveling devices exploded in a flash of red, knocking Dave on his back.

His head spun and he squeezed his eyes shut to fight off the dizziness long enough to sit up. Terezi was likewise on the ground with no injuries worse than some bruising. Daveglitch slumped against the building, his head bowed. His hands flickered with graphical glitches more extreme than usual while the occasional drop of blood spilled off them.

Terezi scrambled to her feet and ran for Dave. "Go, go, go, we're good!" she shouted, almost running past him if he hadn't nabbed her hand. She pulled him to his feet and locked her arms around his shoulders. "We need on the battleship's deck thirty-seven minutes after we left!"

"That is really fucking precise," he said, glancing back at her.

"Call it a gift and don't fuck it up!"

"P1ec*es 0f SHi#t..." Daveglitch's voice was husky beneath the robotic filter. Static billowed around him, violently thrashing in all directions. He raised his head and the one sclera not blocked by static darkened to a red that matched his iris. "I'Ll pu^t y0u w0rthLeSs fu%ckiNg mu**tanTs thr0ughHh t#he w0*rst su*ff/eRing y0ur L1m1teD sp0n*ges ca_n eNd#ure."

Dave snorted. "Yeah, whatever. Enjoy linear life like some kinda regular mortal, dude. I'm sure you'll have shittons of time to make us mutants suffer." He pulled out his timetables, also known as the only viable time travel devices left on Alternia because, fuck yeah, mission accomplished. "All two of us, me and you."

And Dirk. Wait, fuck, goddamn, whoops.

He'd already set his fingers on the timetables to send them a decent ten thousand sweeps forward, straight back to the present. A mess of static flashstepped towards them and only had inches to go before their surroundings tore away in the haze of time travel.

Daveglitch's robotic scream of fury echoed in Dave's ears long after it had fallen silent.

* * *

Why was he stuck with the suckiest task aside from Karkat? Everyone else got to be all heroic and shit, but John only got to do boring stuff. Even a drone outbreak wasn't that exciting once he got into the rhythm of blasting them all safely out of range every time they tried to converge, save for a sole pioneer that he allowed to continue its journey; he hit that one with a mini whirlwind once it was close enough that Karkat could chop its head off.

Oh well, he supposed doing the small but necessary shit that no one else wanted to deal with came with the territory of friendleader. It kept the nuisances out of Jane and Dirk's hair, too.

He was pretty damn sure Jane could take on a small army of drones one-handed if she wanted, but she was having enough trouble keeping Daveglitch under control even with Dirk's help. She narrowly kept up with his flashstepping, only blocking with a split second to spare sometimes. John winced at each close call.

At least Dirk could take some of the heat off of her and match Daveglitch for speed, though John wasn't so sure he was fully recovered from the whole "tortured and imprisoned for sweeps and sweeps" shit. He stumbled more than once while John was glancing over, though he was lucky enough that it only happened when Jane had Daveglitch's attention.

Sometimes Daveglitch tried to break out of the fight. They headed him off before he could get far and herded him away from going anywhere near Rose and the others. Jane knew how to fly and she cut Daveglitch off in the air when needed, but Dirk had probably spent too long being locked up to have learned his God Tier powers; a fight with a deadly flashstepping asshole wasn't a good time to experiment with flight.

John caught the last drone in a twister and hurtled it against the deck, dropping the wind so Karkat could leap in and stab it in the back of its head.

"Is that it?" John said, scanning the sky for any remaining enemies he might have missed, but the only movement he spotted aside from static was over by the bow where the Lalondes kept blasting the remaining drones.

"It'd fucking better be." Karkat wrinkled his nose as he yanked his sickle out of the drone's skull and shook some of the blood off. "If I wanted to do more repetitive busy work, I'd dig out one of my old math textbooks."

"I'd better go make sure Rose and the others are okay then," John said as he took to the air.

"Yeah, don't mind me." Karkat put away his weapons and crossed his arms. "I'll just be here watching everyone else reach higher levels of badass than I could ever hope to accomplish because I'm too _valuable_ or whatever to risk getting a goddamn boo-boo." He rolled his eyes.

"Dude, you just killed a bunch of drones." John waved an arm at the mound of corpses they'd compiled. Hmm, that was actually kind of gross. Maybe he needed to play a little clean-up duty before he left. "Even adult trolls have trouble fighting those things off!"

"And my windy boyfriend stunned them for me! Big fucking whoop!"

John sighed. Karkat's tantrums were a lot funnier when they weren't so self-deprecating. As it was, they almost sounded depressing. "Well, durh, what else was I supposed to do? Let you handle it by _yourself?_ " he said, trying not to smirk as he egged Karkat on.

Karkat bristled and turned his glare on John. "What the hell gives you the goddamn nerve to think I couldn't have beaten those spiky giant assholes to their knees until they begged for mercy from their alien conqueror? After I'd stuffed a few heads up asses, the rest would be too busy shitting themselves with fear to remember how to fly right and they'd plunge into the ocean and drown in a sea of their own filth! I swear to _God_..."

John chuckled under his breath as Karkat dove into a full-blown rant, load gaper humor and all. Yeah, it was waaay better when Karkat was being an arrogant bulgelicker instead of stewing over nothing.

John maneuvered the wind to shove drone corpses off the side of the ship. They left behind unappealing bloodstains but that sounded easier to clean up inside Jade and Kanaya's new dimension compared to a pile of rotting bodies. They weren't even edible, he was pretty sure, which made them a morbid waste of space.

Jane's voice broke through Karkat's tirade. " _Dirk!_ " she shouted.

John dropped the breeze, wrenching his gaze towards the battle just in time to see Daveglitch slip past Dirk's defenses and kick him straight in the chest. Dirk slammed into a wall so hard that his sword flew out of his grip and clattered to the ground. He slumped over, struggling just to stay on his feet.

Jane lunged at Daveglitch before he could land a more dangerous blow against Dirk. She must have grown reckless in her haste, as she left herself wide open: he blocked her stab and rammed his elbow into her solar plexus. She crashed to her knees, gasping for breath, and he wasted no time in flashstepping a good twenty feet behind her and flinging his sword at her back. He flashstepped away again immediately after.

John swore and redirected the wind into a concentrated blast, shoving the sword off-course so that it crashed harmlessly against the deck instead of so much as touching Jane.

The relief didn't last long. Where the hell had Daveglitch disappeared to and how much damage was he about to cause? What if he'd broken away to target Jade and Kanaya next? Would the Lalondes and Jake stand a chance against him?

Daveglitch hadn't run away though. He reappeared to snap up Dirk's fallen sword, then shot at Dirk, the tip of the blade aimed to plunge straight into his chest.

John almost snapped his eyes shut; he really didn't want to watch one of their ancestors get skewered, but there was no way to intervene either. If he'd even blinked, he might have missed a red light flash above them.

In the split second before Daveglitch's stab made contact, Dave dropped down and slammed a kick into Daveglitch with enough force to send him hurtling. Daveglitch landed hard, scraping a few more feet across the deck and almost hitting the edge of the ship before he slid to a halt.

" _Sneak attack!_ " Terezi shouted from her spot on Dave's back, pumping a fist high above her head.

With a flick of his wrists, Dave's timetables disappeared and were replaced by one of his broken swords. "Miss us, motherfucker?" he said, sliding into an offensive stance. One of his horns was broken off at the halfway point, but otherwise he looked no worse for wear.

Daveglitch raised his head and let out a furious hiss. John couldn't remember seeing all of Dave's fangs bared so clearly before, and maybe the excess static was enhancing them somehow, but holy crap, they looked sharp.

"Yeah, next time we'll write you." Dave shifted as Terezi hopped off of him. "You hanging in there, bro?" he said, edging over to shield Dirk.

Dirk's shoulders still trembled from the effort but he stood straight by leaning his side against the wall. "Just a little off my game tonight," he said, his voice rough, "but I'm not down yet by a long shot."

"Damn right you're not. I need another flashstepper around here before I face off against this jackwad again." Dave took off. At first it looked as if he was going to jump Daveglitch while the bastard was down, but instead Dave swept up the katana that had once more fallen to the ground. "Dirk!" He tossed the sword over to Dirk, who snatched it mid-air.

Daveglitch climbed to his feet in no hurry, his eyes narrow as he studied Dave. A few of his fangs remained on display as he curled his lip.

No one moved for a moment, then Daveglitch flashstepped away and Dave disappeared after him. The Daves became red blurs to all except maybe Dirk. Daveglitch's fallen sword disappeared off the deck, presumably back into the hands of its owner judging by the clashing of metal that followed.

Karkat let out a huff, crossing his arms as he watched the fray from the sidelines. "Of course _fuckface_ gets to save the day like some kind of action hero," he grumbled.

"Hey, even a dork like Dave gets his moments, man." John shrugged, waiting for an opening where he was confident enough to duck past the Striders. He darted to Jane's side, kneeling next to her. "Are you okay, Jane?" He held a hand out.

She breathed sharply between her teeth as if she was in pain, then raised herself up, her eyes flashing with anger. "I'm going to give that fucking dunderhead a beating he won't soon forget!" she shouted, brandishing her fork.

"Um. Okay." At least she wasn't badly hurt.

Jane ran into the blurred mess of a fight. As if on cue, Dirk took his first step without stumbling and flashstepped forward to join them.

It was almost mesmerizing to watch the Striders trade blows, while Jane somehow managed to keep up with their speed and ferocity well enough despite her inability to flashstep. She dodged around the edges of the battle and blocked all of Daveglitch's attempts to escape when she wasn't stabbing her fork into the fray.

"Behind you, Dave!" Terezi shouted, along with the occasional "Right!" or "Up!" or similar directions, even though she _definitely_ couldn't see the flashstepping any better than John could, on account of being fucking blind and stuff.

"So when are we _done_ with this guy and what the hell are we even supposed to do with him?" Dave shouted during one of the few moments that he slowed out of a flashstep.

John hopped to his feet and into the air. "Uhhh, I'll ask Rose!" He shot off, stopped short, and hurried back to give Karkat a kiss on the cheek.

Karkat gave him a startled stare. "What the fuck was that?"

"I thought it was rule to do romantic schlock when we're in danger!" John threw his arms up in a shrug.

"What?" Karkat facepalmed. "No! That's in movies! This is a life or death situation!" He pointed towards the bow of the ship. "You get your lazy ass moving so we'll actually survive and then we can kiss later!"

John groaned. "Okay! Jeez!" He flew off and only allowed himself to look back twice.

The dimensional tear Jade and Kanaya were making had grown from a decent hole to an opening the size of a large hivestem -- probably wider, even. It looked like a black hole that could swallow the entire ship. If John hadn't known where it came from, it would have given him shivers to see such large empty blackness sitting in the middle of the sky. Not that it was out of place, with the rest of the sky covered in static and glitches and shit.

There were still a couple of drones in the air at the front of the ship, but the long-ranged weapon wielders were making short work of them. Rose was still fighting even though Roxy and Jake had joined her, but her shoulders drooped and her brow was covered in sweat.

John dove for her, landing at her side and holding an arm out to her. "Holy shit, Rose, you look awful!"

"Thank you, John." She lowered her weapons and rested her head against his shoulder. "That's exactly what a girl wants to hear after a grueling battle."

Roxy scanned the sky as the last drone tumbled down. "Welp, that was fucking insane. But, uh, on the upside, I am _pretty damn sure_ we got all the drones dead now and we didn't even have to track them down."

They'd already done a decent job of shooting the drones so they fell off the side of the ship rather than stack up like garbage on the deck, but Roxy kicked another one off the edge so that it plummeted into the ocean.

Jake peered over the side to watch. "Are we done then?"

John perked up. "Okay, yeah, that's actually why I'm here! Dave's back, Daveglitch is still a giant asshole, and Jane and the others need to know what the hell they're gonna do with the glitch now."

Rose nodded, breathing deeply. "One moment." She shuddered and lifted her head from John's shoulder. "Jade, since Kanaya can't fly, she won't be able to hold the portal open once we move the ship into it. Can you handle stabilizing it by yourself now that it's already prepared?"

"I'm sure I can!" Jade said with a smile.

"Then we're almost ready." Rose pointed her index and middle fingers at Jake and Roxy. "You two, get back to the bridge and fly us in," she said, using her weird empress tone again, except it wasn't as effective when her voice was tired.

Roxy pulled a face. "Shit, we just came from there."

"Well," Jake shrugged with a smile, "a little extra exercise isn't the worst comeuppance we could have received for being so careless as to release those drones incorrectly."

"Sure, but the busywork still suuucks," Roxy said with a drawn-out groan.

Jake nudged her shoulder. She rolled her eyes and grinned, darting after him as he ran off.

Rose waited until Roxy was out of sight, then rubbed at her temple. "John, tell Jane and Dirk to stun Daveglitch long enough to get him off-board. If that involves damaging him, then so be it. I don't imagine anything we can do would kill him even if we tried, at this point."

John was ready to take off at "tell Jane," but he paused as the rest of his orders sank in. "Wait, we're leaving him behind? Won't he die here, with the universe imploding and shit?"

"What exactly do you think will happen if he enters this new dimension with us?" Rose said wearily.

"But we can't just let him down like that!" Jade said, her chipper determination fading as she frowned.

"Forging on without him is the _only_ way to secure victory." Rose stared directly into John's gaze and held it. "You trust my judgment, don't you?"

"Well, obviously," he said, trying not to fidget.

"Rose, please!" Jade looked ready to give chase but planted her feet when Kanaya gave her a panicked look. "TG doesn't deserve this, even if the glitch part of him does! We need to help him!"

Rose gave John's shoulder a shove. "John, go!"

"John, don't!"

"Sorry, Jade!" John stumbled before following the momentum of the shove. "Rose probably knows better than we do!"

"But she's more brutal too and you know it!"

He cringed. "Sorry!" he shouted over his shoulder, though he was flying fast enough that his voice might have been lost on the wind already.

John flew at full speed towards Karkat and the others. Karkat had joined Terezi in observing the battle -- well, he observed and she probably just listened or something. He was much tenser than she was, his hands twitching at his sides, but what else was new?

John landed next to Terezi. "Rose says we need to get Daveglitch off-board and then we're done."

Terezi's mouth twisted. She cocked her head and furrowed her brow, silent for a long moment. "Not just yet," she said, playing with the handle of her cane.

"Wait, _what's_ the plan?" Karkat said, glancing over.

"Don't worry about it, Karkat." She fumbled for his shoulder, giving it a rough pat when she found it.

He glowered. "You know what would make me stop worrying? _Not that._ Telling me not to fucking worry just means you've got something so freakishly fucked up hiding up your sleeve that anyone who bore witness to it would projectile vomit in disgust and horror! Are you trying to spare me from unintentionally showing off my Exorcist impression, Terezi? Because if it's bad enough you're scared my head will spin while spewing pea soup if I'm in on it, then I can fucking guarantee I'm going to flip my shit once you put it into action! I'll fling so much shit that-" He yelped as the ship trembled beneath their feet.

The engines roared and the wind picked up. The tip of the ship inched forward into the pitch blackness Jade and Kanaya had built.

Terezi's mouth twitched into a smirk. "Here were go," she murmured. "Egbert Senior! Find an opening and get over here!"

Jane swiped at a red blur, her weapon clanging against metal, before she broke away. "Please say this is important," she said as she darted over.

Terezi waved her hand dismissively. "Can you work your psychic powers here and give us an edge?"

Jane's eyes widened. "Not a snowball's chance in the Alternia sun! I can't dig deep enough through the glitch's haze to reach his actual mind."

"You're not that useless and we both know it!" Terezi snapped, stomping into Jane's personal space until Jane had to step back to avoid a collision. "Give me something to work with here, Egbert!"

Jane chewed her lower lip and glanced down. "I can throw a cog in his workings," she said after a moment. She raised her eyes. "It may only last a split second, and I can't control him, but it should stop him in his tracks as we vie for dominance."

Terezi grinned wide. "That's more like it!" She raised her voice. "Non-glitchy Strider boys, on my mark, go for the kill!" She shoved at Jane. "You're on the same mark, lady."

Jane nodded, putting her weapon away and raising her hands to her chest as if she was about to clasp them in prayer.

Karkat looked from Terezi to Jane. "The fuck are we waiting f-"

"Mark!" Terezi shouted.

Jane held her hands on either side of her temple, her gaze intent on the battle. Daveglitch jerked to a halt in the midst of his flashstepping. His immobility only lasted half a moment, but that's all Dirk and Dave needed to flank him from front and back and drive their swords through his chest and stomach.

John winced.

Daveglitch's limbs jolted as he broke free from Jane's hold, then he went limp, not even reacting when Dirk and Dave yanked their blades free.

Daveglitch didn't bleed much. Static leaked out of his wounds instead, though it had more of a red hint to it than usual. His sword slipped from his hand but he stayed on his feet, floating a couple inches off the ground.

"W*ha-teVer." Daveglitch's voice was monotonous. He craned his neck, staring at the static that swirled above them all the way to the stars. The sky cracked with a white glow. "1t d0es/n't e%ven mAtt)er aaAan*ym0re. F_0r y0u. 0^r us."

"John, wind!" Terezi shouted. "Get rid of him!"

John took a deep breath, gathering the air around him, then blasted it at Daveglitch hard enough to knock him off the edge of the ship. He didn't fall but, as the ship continued to inch forward, he stayed behind.

They all went tense as they waited for Daveglitch's next move, but even though he was in easy range of the ship, he just floated in place as the ship moved on. Either he was too wounded to restart the fight or too sick of their faces to bother. Or both.

Dirk slumped and Jane rushed to his side to give him someone to lean on. Dave was the only one who stayed on high alert as everyone else relaxed. Mostly everyone else.

"W-wait..." Karkat's voice caught and his eyes went wide. "Wait, what the hell are you doing?" He spun on them, throwing an arm towards Daveglitch. "We can't fucking _leave_ him like this!"

Dave snorted. "Doomed timelines aren't supposed to leave their garbage in the alpha, dumbass." He kept a tight grip on his sword. If the direction of his shades were anything to go by, his gaze was locked on Daveglitch. "The guy knew what he was signing up for, even if it's coming a million damn sweeps late."

"Aradia's still fucking alive and she was doomed too!" Karkat screamed.

"Look, whoever the hell that is, I'm pretty fucking sure she's not a glitch monster intent on murdering everyone!"

Karkat turned to John, his shoulders trembling and his eyes wet. "You're not seriously going to let your friend just... just fucking _die_ here?"

John frowned. That did sound really mean and awful and bad, but... Rose knew better, probably, and Dave agreed with her, so it had to be okay, right? "Sorry, Karkat," he said with a shrug, trying not to think too hard about it.

Karkat curled his lip and backed away. He spun around and ran for the edge of the ship. " _Fuck this shit!_ "

"Karkat?" John's bloodpusher jumped into his throat.

Karkat ran for Daveglitch and leapt off the ship. John could scarcely breathe in the seconds between Karkat's feet leaving the deck and his hands seizing hold of Daveglitch's shoulders.

John shot forward. " _Karkat!_ "

Dave caught John's arm as he passed and wrenched him back. "Are you fucking insane?"

"Don't you dare fucking stop me, Strider!" John tried to wrest free but Dave only redoubled his efforts in wrapping his arms tightly around John's torso and trapping him in place.

Karkat clung to Daveglitch for support, his legs flailing in the air for a hold that didn't exist. The static around Daveglitch billowed away from anything Karkat touched but returned to its place as soon his hold shifted.

"You can hate me all you want later," Dave said through gritted teeth, "but I'm not going to fucking let you get killed for nothing!"

"I'm not leaving without him!" John didn't even recognize his own voice, it was so strangled and shrill. The ship wasn't going to be parallel with them much longer. Karkat was getting farther and farther out of reach with each second.

Daveglitch barely seemed to pay any heed to the brown alien futilely trying to fight the static off of him. He sneered and slowly raised an arm, grabbing a sword from his specibus.

John's bloodpusher skipped a beat. Daveglitch was going to stab right through Karkat's skull and there was no way to reach them in time, even if he broke free right that second. There was no way to even manipulate the wind to stop him. There was no way Karkat could defend himself from that position.

John's mind raced in a panic, as if he could reach out to Karkat somehow, as if Daveglitch could actually hear his pleas and demands if he thought them hard enough: _Don't don't don't Dave NO don't you dare don't you dare don't you DARE_

ERR0R: f0-RE1gn ent1T/Y deT=ected; intr-+uder.delete(); stop it. in-tr&uder.DELETE(); dave, stop. GE/T 0U_T not on your goddamn life! sy/YstTEm.reb00t(); ERR0R: C/Annot reb00t wh1-LeEEe f0r/EignEnTtity.presence = true; int=rudDder.shutdown(); i'm not a fucking computer! now DO. NOT. MOVE. err0r err0r err0r err0r h0st has st0pped Re/sp0nd1ngG host.shutdown(); NO YOU FUCKING DON'T YOU STOP THAT COMMAND RIGHT NOW, BULGEASS! err0r: c0ul/d n0t shut down; ret=ry() rE/try() r-etR&y() dave, can you fucking hear me?? err0r: h-0sT 1ntegr1t/y c0m*pr0m1^ssSSed; host.delete(); DAVE!!! ERR0RrrRRRrr wh0...? dave???? what... 1s that? it's your name, bro! remember? .....host.name = NULL no hey c'mon, stay with me! you're not a computer! you're dave! 1m... s0rry... i know, buddy. it's okay. just hang in there. 1 cant.... yes you fucking can! i'm blocking out the glitch's command i think! so just concentrate on me! 1...... cant... you CAN! i know it's hard! i know you can't remember!! but just trust me, bro, don't move right now. ......G... T....? yeah, dude. it's ghostyTrickster. now listen to me: DROP. THE. FUCKING. SWORD.

John's vision swam. He wasn't even sure what had just passed through his mind, but it had happened in the span of half a second.

Daveglitch was frozen in place. Even the static flickering from his body had gone dormant. His fingers loosened and his sword slipped from his grip. The blade fell safely out of reach, though it nicked Karkat's hand in its descent.

Karkat let out a yelp and yanked his arm back. For a stomach-knotting second, John thought he was about to lose his grip and go plummeting, but Karkat quickly wrenched his hand back to cling to Daveglitch for dear life. His bleeding fingers slipped into the open wound on Daveglitch's chest.

Static erupted in all directions out of Daveglitch's body. Some of it tried to rebound, but no sooner had it gotten anywhere near Karkat than it was repelled even farther than before. The air grew so heavy with the banished static that it was almost difficult to see Karkat in the flickering mess.

Once the burst of static slowed to a trickle, Daveglitch's eyes rolled back. He collapsed and fell out of sight, Karkat still clinging to him.

Panic clawed at every edge of John's mind. He gritted his teeth and blasted Dave with the thought _Let GO!_

Dave's grip immediately relaxed. John wrenched free and moved faster than he'd ever flown in his life, using the wind to accelerate his God Tier flight beyond its normal speed. He shot off the ship and downwards, chasing Karkat's scream.

The air whipped at his face and it was hard to breathe, but he pushed his speed all the more. They were so close and the ground was still so far away. He just needed a little further. He could have called out to Karkat, but he saved his energy for reaching out both hands towards him.

His fingertips only grazed Karkat's shoulder at first, but he inched closer until he wrapped his arms tightly around both of them, digging his fingers into their clothing.

"Oh god, oh god, oh fuck, oh god," Karkat whimpered, still clinging to Daveglitch for all he was worth.

John swooped them into an arc until their descent flipped upwards. Only then did he let his speed fall back to normal. He still moved as fast as he reasonably could, but there was no way in hell he could keep up that panicked momentum on the flight back.

The ship had already disappeared. The sky was crumbling above them and the air crackled with static. When he dared a glance downwards, the ocean looked warped, as if it was being manipulated or mutilated in a freakish 3D art software.

He kept flying upwards because there was nowhere else to go and there was no way in hell Rose or Jade or Dave would ever leave him behind. He just had to find them.

Where had the ship been? It was just a little higher, wasn't it? There were no landmarks up in the sky and clouds were traitorous bastards that never stopped moving, especially when they were glitching up. Even with the world breaking around them, how could he lose sight of a giantass hole the size of the empress's battleship?

John reached what felt like the right altitude and spun in a circle. Static, a crack in the universe, more static, a cloud turning pixelated... and a dark tear sitting in midair like a creepy black hole. It was way smaller than before, but they wouldn't need that much space to enter it anyway. A figure floated in the center of it, holding their arms out as if keeping the tear open by sheer strength.

John broke into a grin. Jade was holding it open for them.

"We're gonna make it," he said.

"Don't jinx it, you dumb fuck!" Karkat's voice broke as if it couldn't decide whether to be an angry retort or a terrified wail.

John couldn't help laughing. He hugged Karkat closer and shot towards Jade. He dodged around thick clouds of static, just to be safe, and accelerated to full speed. Everything was falling apart around them and there was no way in _hell_ they were going down with it in the last seconds.

He crashed into Jade and they tumbled through the portal together. The tear in space sealed behind them as soon as John snatched Jade away from it, blocking off the static and glitching from following them.

Their momentum was too fast to put the brakes on immediately, so John spiraled over the battleship and slowed with each circle downwards they made. He spotted Rose with Kanaya, and Dave with Terezi, and Dirk with Jane below them, while Roxy and Jake were probably inside the ship still.

Despite his best attempts at a smooth landing, they crashed on the deck in a heap.

Ow, fuck, that was going to leave some bruises, but he couldn't actually give a shit. His matesprit was in his arms, and Jade was hugging all three of them, and Daveglitch was... Well, Daveglitch was kind of catatonic again, but he was alive and he wasn't trying to kill them and that was pretty cool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been waiting over a year to write this chapter and I cannot tell you how surreal yet satisfying it is to finally reach it.
> 
> Now to tie up those remaining loose ends...


	45. Act 3.12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe it's been over a year since I first started posting C&V? Good heavens, I thought I'd be done by now. Almost there though!
> 
> This chapter's size is gargantuan; sorry about that! I could have split it in two, but by the time I realized how big it was, I'd already completed it, so I figure I might as well post the whole thing despite how absurdly large the word count is.

Jade didn't even mind that John had messed up their landing, or that her legs stung with fresh bruises from crashing against the battleship's deck, not when the end result was hugging John, Karkat, and Daveglitch all close.

Daveglitch's state was... unclear, but optimistic enough for her even though he was unresponsive. Just like the last time the glitch hadn't been actively possessing him, the static had only decreased instead of disappearing altogether, but both of his irises were in plain sight, whereas the static had been so thick just minutes ago that his left eye was barely even visible beneath it. He was almost as they'd found him in the server block, back when they'd first met Jake.

Jade couldn't stop grinning that they were all safe and the mission had matched Rose's orders perfectly and they'd even managed to rescue Daveglitch, but Jane's panicked shout put her excitement on pause.

"Have you all lost your _flipping minds?_ "

Jane and Dirk, along with Dave and Terezi, had caught up to their landing spot, with Rose and Kanaya fast approaching too. Jane had gone so pale that her skin almost had a blue hue to it.

John sat up, keeping an arm locked around Karkat's shoulders. "Jeez, what's your problem?" he said with a confused frown.

Jane pointed her fork towards Daveglitch, who still hadn't noticed his environment in the slightest. "We pulled off all of that just to escape that thing and then you brought it along for the ride, that's what!"

If Jane's weapon had been even another foot closer, Jade would have teleported it away on the spot, but as it was, she just shifted closer to Daveglitch to shield him from immediate danger. Maybe three more stab wounds wouldn't even make a difference when he already had two, but it wasn't worth the risk.

"No, it's okay!" John waved Jane off with his free hand. "We meant to do that!"

"That just means my original question still stands!" Jane shouted.

Kanaya groaned and rested her temple against Rose's shoulder as they grew near. "Is this really the time for more in-fighting? What is wrong with trolls, really?"

Rose snorted and patted her back.

"Nah, in-fighting would be a total waste of our last moments." Dave hadn't looked so tense since the first time they'd encountered Daveglitch back in Sgrub. His grip was so tight on his sword hilt that his claws nicked his palm and he quickly shielded the trickle of blood with his other hand. "I can't believe I'm actually hoping for a doomed timeline, but if that's not what this is, we are so fucked. Hell, we're fucked regardless, but at least it'd be nice to imagine that somewhere out there is an alpha timeline where we weren't stupid enough to sabotage ourselves to death."

"Fretting is cheap," Dirk said, his voice flat, as he stepped forward with his sword at the ready. "Why haven't we just set the bastard on fire yet?"

Karkat clutched Daveglitch tightly against his chest. "Anyone who tries to fucking hurt him is getting a foot so far up their ass that they'll taste the dirt on the bottom of my shoe!"

"I don't think we need to kill him anyway!" Jade set a hand on Daveglitch's shoulder. The static didn't swarm anyone despite two perfectly good hosts in reach, nor did Karkat's Blood powers activate in its presence as it always had when the glitch was around. "He's okay now."

"Jade, don't fucking touch that thing!" Dave must have been really worried to raise his voice in front of everyone. Even Roxy and Jake were back on the deck and close to rejoining the group just in time to witness the Strider facade crumble. "Vantas has never been able to break him free before! Why the hell would that change now?"

Jade scowled at him and didn't move. This was no time for Dave to act as an overprotective moirail, no matter how well-intentioned he was.

John climbed to his feet. "Because I did the ceruleanblood mind control thing first and I made the glitch fuck off," he said.

"You..." Dave faltered. "What?"

"I knew it!" Terezi smacked her hands together and cackled. "Hey, Egbert Senior, remember? I totally said that your descendant had inherited your powers and was just too stupid to know it!"

Jane held a hand over her mouth, only just masking her "Oh!" of surprise.

Jade smiled up at John. She'd had a feeling that he had more blood-related powers than he gave himself credit for, if he could just learn to access them. It had taken him a long time to wake up on Prospit, too, after all! "So you really are a telepath?"

"I don't know, I guess?" John shrugged. "I just yelled at the glitch with my think pan until I got through to the Dave side of Daveglitch. Is that telepathy?"

Rose held her hands up in a helpless shrug, jostling Kanaya with the movement. "I don't know, John. Using mind control to psychically talk to someone might just be indigestion or something."

Roxy slid to a halt next to Rose, with Jake just behind her. "Whoa, what's going on?" She pulled a face, glancing from Daveglitch to Rose. "Whaaat'd we miss? Izzit important?"

Dirk jerked a thumb towards Karkat. "A couple of these idiots brought the glitch along with us."

Karkat bristled and straightened himself up without loosening his hold on Daveglitch. "We did fucking not! The glitch is gone! We expelled it and rescued its host like a couple of loser heroes who can only be assed to rescue a single guy instead of anything significant!"

Jake's mouth dropped open. "Holy moly, you managed that?" he said, his eyes alit in awe. "How in tarnation did that work out?"

Rose cleared her throat. "They hit it with a two-pronged attack. Karkat's Blood powers broke through the glitch's physical grip while John broke its mental grip." She smiled at John while entwining an arm with Kanaya. "It's unlikely either one would have worked on their own, but in tandem they repelled it."

"See?" Karkat glowered. "He's fine!"

"We still can't fucking risk it." Dirk's unreadable expression half-hidden behind oversized glasses was almost more intimidating than any visible glare could be. "If we're wrong here, we won't get a second chance to escape this thing."

"Wait, hang on!" Roxy darted in front of Dirk. "I was possessed too and no one's trying to stick a sword through my think pan!" She smacked her chest. "Why don't I count as a threat?"

Dirk edged back. "We can already tell it's not in you anymore." He pointed at Daveglitch with his katana, making Karkat go tense. "But just fucking look at him. Static aside, he should be dead from those wounds. If the glitch isn't keeping him alive, what is?"

The static was especially active around Daveglitch's stab wounds, but it still wasn't as thick as it used to be when he was fully possessed. He hadn't so much as moved an inch on his own yet, let alone showed signs of going on another rampage.

Roxy scowled and crossed her arms. "From what I hear, he got controlled by that thing about five hundred times longer than I did! Of course the poor wiggler's gonna get a slew of gross side effects and scarring I missed out on!" She twisted her mouth, tilting her head back and forth as she glanced at Daveglitch again. "And you know what, even if we agreed that he's a danger, what would we do with him anyway? He's taken a stab to the bloodpusher and survived! I don't think we're _capable_ of killing him!"

"That doesn't mean we shouldn't try before it can hurt us all over again!" Jane said.

Roxy stomped her foot. "We are not going to brutally kill an innocent pupa out of paranoia!"

Jane cringed. "Roxy, please, just-"

"Na na la la la laa!" Roxy pressed her hands over her hear ducts. "I'm not hearing my best friends suggest cold blooded murder, are you, Jake?"

Jake stepped to Roxy's side and leveled a glare at Dirk. "I just wish I could be surprised that Dirk's first solution to a problem is to try to kill it. It's only Jane that I'm disappointed in."

Jane's lips went thin. "I was too cowardly to take Dirk's side last time. I'm not making that mistake again."

Roxy let out an exaggerated, breathy sigh and rolled her head back. "Janey, it's really admirable that you wanna make up for past mistakes and shit, but your timing is just fuckin' stupid, 'cos Dirk is _wrong_ this time!"

Dave finally put away his weapon, just so he could smack both hands over his face and groan. "Oh my god, my think pan is gonna explode if I have to hear more of this shit. Rose, will you meddle already before the adults get into another verbal brawl and tell them your badass Seer powers can tell that sparing the glitchy asshole is gonna royally fuck us over?"

Rose raised an eyebrow, surveying the group as all eyes turned on her. "Actually," she shrugged, "I sense nothing amiss with letting him live. Do you, Terezi?"

"Nope!" Terezi said with a grin. "No danger on my end."

Dave went still. "What?"

Kanaya narrowed her eyes at Rose. "You knew this was going to happen, didn't you?"

"Hm? Me?" Rose smiled pleasantly. "Orchestrate events by keeping others in the dark because it never would have gone so smoothly if their actions weren't borne of desperation? Kanaya, I'd never."

Karkat let out a strained laugh. "You're all right for a manipulative jackass, Lalonde."

"It's really... just an innocent kid now?" Jane said, lowering her weapon and watching Daveglitch out of the corner of her eye.

Jake came over and knelt by Daveglitch. "I dare say he looks unpossessed to me!"

Karkat wrapped his arms protectively around Daveglitch. He only relaxed when Jake held out a hand and smiled.

"Hello, lad," Jake murmured, papping Daveglitch gently on the cheek. "You're still in there, aren't you? It's just that nasty old glitch that's gone, not you." He slipped his hand down to catch Daveglitch's chin and turn his head towards him. "Come on, you remember me, don't you?"

Daveglitch's fingers twitched and his blank stare wandered to Jake's face. His face screwed up and he raised trembling arms to clutch at the stab wounds in his torso. He let out a pitiful whine, his voice alternating from Dave's normal voice (with a little more emotion than usual) to a robotic filter.

Jake winced and patted Daveglitch's head. "Oh dear, those wounds are quite the whoppers, aren't they?" He clucked his tongue. "But I'm sure you'll get through it, even if it hurts like the devil right now."

Karkat increased his grip and Daveglitch curled up against him, hiding the front side of his wounds from sight.

Jade reached over to rub at Daveglitch's back, careful to avoid the holes. It hardly seemed fair that the glitch could save him from dying but hadn't bothered to spare him from pain. Karkat was already doing a decent job of papping him, whether he meant to or not, so she just whispered, "Shoooosh." She met Karkat's gaze and nodded to him.

"Sh-shoosh," he repeated, glancing between Jade and Daveglitch nervously. When Jade beamed at him, he said it again with more confidence. "Shooooooosh..."

Daveglitch's cries of pain turned to whimpers. Karkat was practically a natural at shooshpapping already and heaven only knew that Daveglitch could use some good old fashioned troll comfort after the beatdown he'd endured while someone else controlled his body.

Jake stood, still acting as a shield between Daveglitch and the other adults. "There, see?" He gestured to Karkat and Daveglitch. "He's just a wounded pupa. He's no harm to us and he certainly doesn't deserve any of this vitriol."

Jane lowered her head and returned her weapon to her sylladex. Dave turned away and Jade wondered if he'd ever mustered the strength to look straight at Daveglitch in the first place -- it was so hard to tell with the dark lenses blocking Dave's eyes. It couldn't be easy to see a version of himself turn so vulnerable and openly in pain, especially with all of his coolkid ego at stake.

Roxy's frown was so deep that it was almost a pout. "Fuck, that poor wiggler. Y'all were seriously wanting to kill him?" She caught Dirk's arm and yanked him close enough to pap at his face.

Dirk tensed. "Rox, what the fuck?"

She grunted, papping around his shades. "You're in no fuckin' shape to be making these kind of harsh decisions, all jaded and bitter from getting your wrists just about seared off, and you're exhausted on top of it!" She hooked her arm around the back of his neck to keep him still. "So I'mma pap some goddamn sense into you, or at least pap you until you relax enough to rest, tightwad!"

"Roxy-" He winced as she papped him again. "Would you just- I don't need-" He leaned his head back and held his hands up in surrender. "If I promise to call it quits for now, will you stop with the fucking paps already?"

"Gimme a couple more. This is kinda fun." She grinned and papped him softly on the cheek before relaxing her grip and leaning against him.

Jake held an arm out to Jane. She hesitated, then sank against his shoulder. He wrapped around her, papping her back.

"I think my predecessor has a point." Rose sighed. "None of us are in top shape for decision making. Break for lunch, reconvene after a perigee or two for sleep?"

Terezi pumped her fist and chanted, "Victory rest! Victory rest!"

John leaned over Karkat's shoulder to peer down at Daveglitch. "So that means we're done, right? Daveglitch is a good guy again and everything's okay now?"

Rose hesitated. She chewed her bottom lip and tilted her head. "Well, we've been indirectly responsible for the death of two universes so far and we're self-exiled in an empty dimension. But, yes, everything is as okay as we can hope for."

Jade raised her head. She'd been so focused on making sure Daveglitch was safe that she hadn't found a moment to take in the new home she'd helped build with Kanaya yet.

The sky, as much as the space surrounding the ship counted as a "sky," was an endless pitch blackness that almost shimmered when she stared at it for very long. Despite the lack of sun or stars, the darkness didn't extend to the battleship. It was as easy to see without any visible light source as it had been back in the sunless medium.

It was beautiful, but maybe just a little lonely. It wouldn't be too different from her old hive, really. She'd have to congratulate Kanaya on how pretty her powers had turned out, but she could wait for Rose to hog Kanaya for a while first.

* * *

The battleship wasn't well stocked with cocoons. There probably hadn't been much need for them, with only four immortal trolls on board at any given time, but it meant they had to make do with one of the few blocks that anyone had bothered furnishing and go without sopor slime. At least they were pretty used to that.

They'd found a block with chairs and even a couch, but as soon as Rose settled against the floor with her back to the wall, no one else would hear of claiming any of the comfier options for themselves. It was quite silly and pointless to let the couch go to waste, but Jade wasn't going to be the one to take it either so she couldn't prod Dave about it too much.

The adults left them to take the block next door, promising to keep an ear out and break down the walls if anything went wrong. Jade was just glad that they never heard shouting on the other side of the wall. Maybe things had calmed down with them in the wake of the battle.

Rose passed out first, leaning against John's shoulder while he sat next to Karkat, who refused to relinquish Daveglitch for even a moment. Kanaya curled up and used Rose's lap as a pillow shortly after.

Dave and Terezi had a wall to themselves across from the others, so Jade switched from sitting next to Dave and moving to the other side of the block to check on Daveglitch every few minutes. She wasn't going to get much rest that way, but she didn't care.

Daveglitch had gone quiet and still again, save for trembling in Karkat's arms. Even de-possessed with nothing to keep his movement in check, it was as if he'd lost track of all except his most basic instincts. Jade wished she could shooshpap him out of it, but he wasn't her moirail and Karkat was doing a good job of it anyway.

Karkat steadily papped Daveglitch's back, muttering things like "Just fucking figure out you've got free will again, would you?" between his shooshes. "John?" He shifted, keeping his eyes on the floor. "You don't, uh. You don't mind that I'm holding Daveglitch this close while I watch over him, do you?"

John snorted and laughed. "Why the hell would I mind you doing something nice for my friend, dude?"

Karkat fixed John with a stare. "Jesus Christ, Egbert, when we get a little privacy again, remind me to stick my tongue down your throat until we forget how to breathe, because it's a goddamn miracle someone as shitty and selfish as I am snagged a boyfriend as decent as you."

John nudged his shoulder against Karkat's and slipped an arm around him to pull him close, sandwiching himself between Rose and Karkat. "I think most of us are glad Daveglitch has someone as stubborn and observant as you to take care of him."

Karkat huffed. "Damn right, I'm the most fucking stubborn guy left in this tiny excuse for a universe." He frowned and adjusted Daveglitch's shirt until the holes lined up with his wounds. "Shit, how do we even treat damage like this?"

Jade leaned over to study the deep cuts. There were bloodstains around them, but the bleeding had already stopped and any flesh beneath his skin was obscured by thick static. "I'm not sure we can. Hopefully it's healing in its own glitchy way."

Karkat circled one of the stab wounds with a finger and prodded at it, prompting a new groan from Daveglitch.

Karkat flinched and held him closer. "Fuck! Shooosh, shooooosh, I'm sorry, I'm just being an idiot again. The other assholes are trying to detox from all the shit you caused, so shut up or at least whine into my shirt if it hurts too bad to keep your mouth closed, okay?" He papped the back of Daveglitch's head until he went silent again.

Jade slipped away once she was sure they had the situation handled so she could hop across the block and plop next to Dave again.

"You don't have to switch places like this, Harley," he said with a small smirk.

"Of course not. I do it anyway!" She studied him, her smile faltering. "Um, Dave? Is your horn okay?" It had been broken since he'd gotten back from his time traveling duties, but she hadn't had the chance to acknowledge it with more than an internal wince. At least he otherwise seemed unharmed.

Terezi whined, patting at Dave's head until she caught hold of his intact horn. "Too soon, Jade! Don't remind me of such a horrible tragedy."

"What, this?" He pointed to the broken horn. "It hurt like a bitch but it's okay enough now. Guess who fucking broke it?"

Jade papped his head, careful to avoid Terezi's hands. "Something that's dead and gone now, because it sure wasn't TG."

"TG?" Terezi said.

"That's Daveglitch."

Dave wrinkled his nose. "Why the hell are you calling him that?"

She frowned. It had seemed like a pretty good nickname to her! It suited him well enough and he responded to it just as well as anything else. "What's wrong with it?" she said.

"It's my fucking username."

"It's his username too." She held back a sigh as she glanced over at Daveglitch again. Karkat still hadn't gotten him to respond to anything except pain. "Besides, Daveglitch sounds too stiff and you probably wouldn't want me to call him just Dave. That would get pretty confusing!"

Dave snorted and thudded his head back against the wall. "I think you could call him Shithead Nooklicker the Third and he wouldn't notice the difference."

"Daaave!" She batted at his shoulder. "That's mean! We'll nurse him back to health so that he notices stuff like that again!"

He fought her off by papping her wrists. "Why the hell are we even bothering?"

"Because he's our friend! Even if he wasn't, I still think we would try to help him after all he's been through!"

He covered his face with a hand and groaned. "Oh my god, he's an irrelevant copy."

"He may not be the Dave who's my moirail, but he still sent me his cool slam poetry every week and drew me funny pictures and fought by my side against the Black Queen." She caught his shades and lifted them just enough that she could stare at him eye-to-eye for once. "He's still a person I care about a lot and right now he needs help piecing himself back together."

Dave shied back and his hands twitched but he let her return his shades to their rightful place instead of taking them back himself.

Terezi interrupted them with a chuckle. "So are you two gonna kiss already or is all this tension in the air for nothing?"

"Well, hey, if the matesprit's encouraging it..." Dave cupped the back of Jade's head to pull her in close and kissed her forehead. She giggled and kissed his cheek in return.

Terezi cocked her head. "That sounded like lips on skin. You two are so fucking chaste." She shoved them apart so she could climb into Dave's lap and settle there. "Moirails are adorable."

Terezi really had no right to talk when matesprits were plenty cute too, but Dave's cheeks already had a tinge of red to them, so Jade just grinned and kept that thought to herself. She considered making her way to the other side of the room, but everyone was sleepy enough that she didn't want to risk disturbing them with the movement.

For once, Karkat's eyes drooped and he joined Rose in the new tradition of leaning on John's shoulder. John seemed happy enough, trapped between his two quadrantmates, plus Kanaya and Daveglitch by association.

Even with Dave right there for comparison, Daveglitch might as well have been a completely different person. He _was_ a completely different person! He hadn't even been able to remember the six sweeps that he shared with Dave before and so far there was no indicator that that had improved with the glitch's removal. All they had in common was a body and even _that_ wasn't close to identical anymore. Dave didn't spark with static, for one, and their horns were damaged in different ways, with Dave's broken off halfway while Daveglitch's only had scarring from a bullet hole.

The biggest difference was in how they carried themselves. Daveglitch hadn't worn any shades since back in Sgrub, so he couldn't mask his emotions even if he wanted to, and he wasn't exactly trying to play himself up as cool just then. Jade couldn't so much as _imagine_ Dave taking his shades off and curling up to someone with such an unguarded expression, no matter how much pain he was in, not even with her -- well, maaaybe with her if they were alone and he was really, really needing quality moirail bonding.

At least no one was going to get them mixed up any time soon. They deserved to stay separated in that way when they were already so removed from each other.

Dave must have noticed who she was staring at, as he quietly said, "Think he'll ever act normal again?"

"I don't know. I hope so." She caught Dave's hand. "How long were you two time traveling?"

"About a month," Terezi mumbled with a yawn, burrowing her face against Dave's shirt.

Jade gasped. "Wooow." Her task with Kanaya had barely even taken an hour, if that, and that had felt stressful enough. "You must've missed us all a lot."

He squeezed her shoulder. "Nah."

She elbowed Dave. He just grinned.

* * *

John pressed a hand against the invisible boundaries of their new home dimension. It compressed under his weight like soft clay but wouldn't stretch very far. It almost felt like liquid, save for the part where he couldn't submerge into it, and it reminded him of the invisible walls in video games that always pissed him off because why _couldn't_ he just walk a little further that direction when there was nothing blocking him?

It was "black," technically, but it was less of a color and more of a nothing. Or maybe more of an infinity? Bluh, game powers were confusing. It was probably black like Space. That made the most sense, given the aspects of the people who created it.

"It's an odd sensation, isn't it?" Jane said, floating beside him. They'd flown as high above the ship as they could manage, which was high enough they wouldn't have wanted to fall since they liked their bones intact. Jane prodded the solid darkness with her fork and the prongs had about as much effect as a finger.

"I thought it was mostly kind of annoying." He shoved both arms against it and flew forward with all of his might, but it only gave a few inches before holding taut.

"Are you insulting my matesprit's handiwork?" Rose said as she zipped past them.

John snorted. "No way, you'd probably hex me or something."

"Of course. I hex people all the time, after all." She stopped every few feet to check the integrity of the barrier. Well, double-check at that point, as they'd made it full circle around the place already.

She'd been testing the limits of the new dimension pretty much every moment she was awake for the past two weeks. She'd gone so far as to hit the barriers with everything she had in an attempt to break it, which seemed like a really bad idea to John, but it was better than finding out later that something from the outside could crash its way in.

The conclusion so far was that the dimension's edges were sturdy and they were trapped, except in a relieving way instead of an imprisoned kind of way. There was nothing good waiting for them if they tried to leave, after all, and it wasn't even that tight of a squeeze anymore since Jade and Kanaya had expanded the dimension bit by bit from the inside to give the battleship a little more breathing room.

Everyone was weirdly somber, even though they were safe for the first time since they first entered Sgrub. Hell, John felt safer in their new pocket-sized dimension than he had back on Alternia before the game! Way less pressure to conform. That was pretty cool, especially when Dave and Jade were both stuck in "instant cull: just add unacceptable blood color" situations.

"I think we've made a full round of it now," Jane said. "Let's not overdo it, empress."

Rose came to a halt and whirled around to face them. "I wouldn't dream of it. We'll conclude this experiment for now, then, so you can take some respite before we begin our next phase."

John kind of hated whenever anyone called her by title. It always made her act all proper and formal and shit, but it was also the fastest way to catch her attention when she was too focused on her work to dismiss her helpers in a timely manner.

Roxy and Kanaya were both waiting for them on the deck. Roxy flew up to tackle Jane when she spotted them coming while Kanaya was stuck waiting for Rose to land next to her.

"Be proud." Rose gave Kanaya a quick kiss as she took her hand. "We still can't put a dent in your hard work."

Kanaya blushed. "Thank god, frankly." She raised her head to stare at the infinite-looking-but-really-finite-actually sky above them, only snapping out of it when Rose nudged their heads together. Kanaya smiled and nuzzled against Rose's cheek.

"Janey, I've got some awesome shit to show you!" Roxy said, tugging Jane down the rest of the way to the ship. "Okay, it's not awesome but its backstory is totes cool. I actually made somethin' out of those game powers we all didn't know we had! It's just this weirdass green block for some reason, but isn't that sweet?"

Jane beamed at her. "I'm sure it's sweet as all heck."

All the gooey lovey-dovey shit going on was enough to make John want to gag, but it equally made him miss his own matesprit. If Karkat wasn't waiting for him on deck, ten to one John knew exactly where he was.

He took off for the ship's interior. John could still get lost for hours in the battleship if he turned down the wrong corridor, but he'd at least memorized the paths that connected the deck, the bridge, and the blocks they'd claimed for basic living quarters.

John could hear Karkat's voice as he turned a corner onto the last hallway, though the words were too muffled to make out until he was right outside of the door.

"Tristan caught Sylvester's tie and used it to lead him to the bed," Karkat said, giving each word extra careful enunciation like he only did when he was reading aloud from a novel. "He never thought he'd feel a desire as strong as what coursed through his body during their last kiss, but something about the way Sylvester..."

John pushed the door open and Karkat went silent abruptly. John already knew exactly what he was going to walk in on, because he'd witnessed it practically every night for the last ten nights or so: Karkat was sitting on the floor while huddled next to Daveglitch, holding a book that featured two attractive humans embracing on the cover.

Daveglitch never seemed to be listening, but that didn't stop Karkat from spending hours reading to him just to give him some social interaction. It was one-sided social interaction, but... well... Daveglitch still didn't really respond when anyone tried to talk to him anyway, so the one-sided part was inevitable.

John grinned. "Storytime with Karkat again?"

Karkat drew himself up even as he blushed. "Shut up! He likes it, probably!" He shook the book at him. "I mean, who wouldn't want to hear quality literature examining the most fragile of human emotions?"

"Dave, probably." John flopped down on Karkat's other side.

Karkat huffed. "Good thing TG has more sense than that guy."

"TG doesn't even talk if you don't repeat the question five times and shake him by the shoulders first," John said. Seriously, Daveglitch had practically turned into an inanimate object since his wounds healed up and he had nothing to groan about!

"That's still better sense than Dave."

"Whatever, dude." John ducked his head and nuzzled in against Karkat's neck. "I'm not trying to interrupt your reading or anything, I just wanted to snuggle while Rose put me on break."

Karkat sighed and kissed the top of John's head. "Missed you too, jackass." He shifted closer to Daveglitch, turned the book away from John so he couldn't peek at the pages, and began to read again. For once in his life, he spoke at a volume so low that John couldn't make out a word of it.

John glanced up. "Why are you whispering?"

"No reason." Karkat tensed. "Shut up and ignore me. The story's too far along for you to follow anyway and I'm not starting over." He cleared his throat and began reading again.

John narrowed his eyes and listened closely, catching only a few words here and there until enough of them came together to form an implied narrative. "You're reading him porn!"

Karkat spluttered as his face reddened. "I am reading him a passionate and tear-jerking tale of pure love between two humans that just so _happens_ to include the _occasional_ scene that describes how the loyal couple show their affection to each other in the physical realm as well as the emotional realm!"

"That's still porn!"

"It is not my fault that the author chose to include important character study in the form of a sex scene!" Karkat smacked the pages. "Look, one hundred and twenty pages in and this is the first time it gets steamy! That's not porn, that's a story that happens to have sex in it!"

John leaned in close. "If it's not porn, why were you whispering it?"

Karkat drew himself up. "You know what, I can just skip most of this scene anyway!" He flipped through the pages. "I'll read the important bits and spare your sensitive ears from the majority of ass touching."

He'd barely settled his finger on the next paragraph when Jade teleported in. Everyone except Daveglitch jumped, which was pretty embarrassing since it wasn't exactly a rare occurrence for her to tag Karkat out so he could stretch his legs and get fresh air for a few hours without leaving Daveglitch unsupervised. (John didn't understand how either of them could stand Daveglitch's company for three to four hours at a crack without dying of boredom, but whatever. They volunteered, so who was he to complain?)

"Hey, guys!" she said. "Did you still need me to watch over TG?"

Karkat smacked the book down onto his lap. "No!"

She drew herself up and gave him her best scowl. "Hey, don't snap at me for being on time! If you aren't ready to switch, you can just say so!"

He ducked his head and fiddled with the edges of the book as she glared at him. "Sorry, I was being stupid. My asshole meter was full and I shouldn't have taken it out on you," he muttered. "I just want to get through two more chapters without someone interrupting. Come back in an hour?"

Jade relaxed. "See? We make a much better team when we're not yelling at each other." She knelt so she could peek up at Daveglitch's face and wave at him. "Hey, TG!" She smiled when she got his eyes to flicker her way, which was about the best result anyone could expect. "I'll see you again soon, okay?" She received no further response, but she still cheerfully said, "You guys enjoy your book!" before disappearing as suddenly as she'd appeared.

John rolled his eyes. "If you'd taken her offer, we could have found somewhere private to make out or something."

"Too bad." Karkat flourished the book, recovering his page. "I told TG we're reaching chapter twelve today and I'm not going to be made into a liar even for a hot date with my boyfriend."

John propped his chin up on his hand. "So are you two officially moirails yet?" he said just as Karkat inhaled to start reading again.

Karkat spluttered and practically choked on his own lingual muscle. "What? I'd never cheat on you!"

John snickered. "I said moirails, dude, not matesprits!" He elbowed him. "Moirails are like me and Rose, or Jane and Jake."

"Oh," Karkat said, shoulders slumping. "You think we'd..." He cringed and glanced at Daveglitch. "Fuck, John, he's barely cognitive and you think I can tell if we've entered a weird troll romance together?"

"Okay, fine, then you should ask him out when he's better."

Karkat blushed again and pointed at Daveglitch. "He's _right here,_ " he hissed.

"Good point." John leaned over Karkat's lap to tug at Daveglitch's sleeve. "Daveglitch, when you're better and can talk again and shit, ask Karkat out! He's really cool and you can already see what a kickass moirail he'd be!"

"Oh my god, shut up, you shit-spewing umbrella!" Karkat hunched over John, squishing him against his lap.

John laughed. "He's not listening anyway!"

"Then you're being twice the asshole for taunting him!" Karkat wrestled John away from Daveglitch, then glowered at his book. He ran his finger over line after line. "Besides, who'd want a boyfriend whose lifespan is so short compared to yours that he's barely a blip on your radar? It's bad enough I'm putting you through that!"

John snorted and leaned against Karkat's shoulder. "I don't get human years or anything, but I'm pretty sure we're the same age, dude."

"Yeah, right now! How long is that going to last, Mr. Brainless Immortal God?"

The wisecrack ready to leap out of John's mouth died as his think pan cranked to a halt. Karkat never God Tiered. None of the humans had.

John swallowed. "How long... do humans live?"

"We've got maybe eighty years if we miraculously scrounge up enough food on this ship for three humans to survive on for that long," Karkat muttered. "I think that's something like forty sweeps, probably less. After that, you trolls are on your own."

"What?" John's voice came out high pitched. He clung to Karkat's wrist. "C'mon, you're not gonna just leave us all alone after everything we did to get here!"

"Sorry, John." Karkat lowered his book and glared at his lap. "Unless you know how to find some spare quest beds and dream selves, we're stuck as mortal losers."

Daveglitch stirred. "N0." He curled his fingers. "I don't... nee*d th0se," he said, his voice hoarse when it wasn't robotic.

Karkat snapped to attention and John's eyes widened. "TG?" he said, openly gawking at him. It was the first time Daveglitch had spoken without someone coaxing it out of him.

"[godTier = false]." Daveglitch raised his head. His gander bulbs wandered before settling their gaze on Karkat. "1 can... I can switc#h the boolean."

"Holy shit, you were actually listening?" Karkat whispered.

John leaned down to peer around Karkat. "Dude, you have some of the glitch's powers left?"

Karkat shoved him. "He's still covered in fucking static, dumbass! It clearly left _something_ in him." 

Daveglitch cocked his head and stared at Karkat almost as if he wasn't there. He lifted a static-y hand and rested it in the middle of Karkat's chest.

"Wh-what?" Karkat shifted back, bumping into John before he could actually move out of Daveglitch's reach. "What the fuck are you doing?"

Daveglitch's hand glitched into a mess of pixels. John tensed at the visual that had previously meant Really Bad Things were about to go down, but if it was the glitch back for a surprise visit, Karkat's Blood powers would have activated, right? But his aspect stayed dormant, as if the glitch's powers were safely disconnected from The Glitch as an entity.

Daveglitch muttered something unintelligible under his breath, his eyes half-closed. His hand flickered to normal (or as normal as it got) and he dropped his arm, slumping back to his usual position of ignoring the world around him, which was kind of disappointing but a million times better than turning back into a sadistic sociopath or something.

Karkat stared down at his shirt, his mouth hanging open in confusion. "Hey! None of that was rhetorical, you grabby space case!" He shook Daveglitch by the shoulder to regain his faltering attention. "What did you just do?"

"[godTier = true]," was all Daveglitch said.

"This is God Tier?" Karkat said, slapping a hand against his chest. "This is _it?_ " He caught his shirt between thumb and forefinger. "Is your brain still fried or is there seriously no fanfare for something as monumental as becoming immortal?"

John looked Karkat over, but there was nothing particularly God Tier-y about him. Then again, was there anything God Tier-y about him or Rose or anyone else when they weren't wearing their weird game costumes? Humans didn't even get wings when they God Tiered.

"Well," John shrugged, "our ancestors didn't realize they were God Tier, so maybe the glitch's powers can act subtle for once." He leapt to his feet and grinned down at Karkat. "Try flying!"

Karkat recoiled with a look of disgust. "What?"

John lunged to grab Karkat by his wrists and pull him up. "Like this!" He floated into the air, dragging Karkat off the floor with him.

Karkat squawked and kicked at the air. "No, no, no, don't you fucking-"

John released him as soon as he felt the weight on his arms lessen. And, well, if he was wrong, it wasn't a very long drop anyway. The ceilings were too low for that.

Karkat shrieked preemptively and looked all the more ridiculous for it when he stayed floating on his own. "Holy shit!" He stared in horror at the ground. "Holy shit, this is real? How the fuck do I get down?"

John snorted and took his hands again, gently flying him back to the ground. "You'll get the hang of it."

Karkat planted his feet and shuddered. "Jesus, I hope I don't have to." He wiped a hand over his face before he spun around and sat on his haunches, glowering at Daveglitch. "TG, you beautiful broken asshole, I know you're paying attention now! Stop trying to act like you aren't and just look at me for once." He stuck a finger in Daveglitch's face, earning an actual reaction as Daveglitch raised his head. "Did you seriously give me an unearned God Tier upgrade?"

"Ye/s."

John fistpumped without even thinking about it. _Fuck yes,_ good news for once.

Karkat, on the other hand, slumped back and laughed bitterly. "Figures that this was the only fucking way I ever had a chance of leveling that high." He shook his head. "With the help of a goddamn walking GameShark."

Daveglitch's forehead creased and, for the first time in way too damn long, he seemed to have a genuine emotion. "A Game... w#hat?" he said in confusion.

"It's an old cheating device for video games." Karkat groaned and waved him off. "Don't fucking worry about it. The point is you're fucking amazing, I'm fucking garbage, and please, please, please fucking tell me you can do this on command." He worried his lip and straightened enough to stare Daveglitch in the eyes. "You can make Terezi and Kanaya God Tier too, right?"

Daveglitch nodded slowly. "If they're Sburb pla/yers, then they have the G0d Tier bo0lean. I can alt*er any game var1ables, just n0t their constants like aspects."

It was sort of creepy to hear his friends described as if they were just computer programs, but it was kind of hard to argue considering they were literally created by a machine for the purpose of playing a video game. John sighed. "Well obviously you can't change the-" He paused. "Hey, since when do you know basic programming, bro?"

"Since he turned _into_ absurdly advanced programming, probably?" Karkat climbed to his feet and held his hand to Daveglitch. "Take my hand and stand up so we can go make the others immortal, birdbrain. If you can learn to talk, then I'll trust that you can figure out how the walking shit goes again."

* * *

"This is fucking ridiculous," Dave said flatly, keeping a careful distance from Daveglitch at all times -- save for a short exception when he stayed close to Terezi as Daveglitch altered the code in her game data.

"No, this is great!" Even if Jade had wanted to wad up her excitement and hide it away, she didn't think she could have. She wasn't even sure what was more exciting: that the humans shared their lifespan, or that Daveglitch was finally showing signs of recovery. She caught Kanaya's hands and bounced. "Oh my gosh, you're going to love flying, Kanaya! It's great! You and me and Rose should go racing around the ship sometime!" She glanced to Terezi. "Terezi, are you-"

"Uh, I'm good." Terezi backed up, bumping into Dave. "Flying seems dumb anyway. I'm happy with just the immortality part."

Oh, oops, flying probably wouldn't be too fun without any sight to stay oriented in the air. Terezi couldn't exactly use her cane on the wind. They'd just have to figure out another way around that.

Jade released Kanaya to let her slip back to Rose's side -- they'd been pretty much inseparable since they'd admitted their flushed feelings. The adults were the only ones missing, as it didn't particularly matter to them whether the humans were God Tier or not.

Dave crossed his arms. "It's really this easy? After two utterly fucked over sessions, the static-y asshole can just snap his fingers and fix that three of us missed the Quest Cocoon side mission?"

Jade frowned. Maybe it was just as well Daveglitch wasn't _fully_ recovered just yet, if it meant he got to miss out on feeling bad about the nasty things his alpha self implied about him.

"No!" Karkat drew himself up. "It's not that easy! Because you wanted to _kill him!_ " He threw an arm towards Daveglitch. "Everyone was wringing their hands like Play-Doh-devouring babies, because, oh no, Karkat fucked everything up again! How dare he rescue an innocent captive? Obviously TG is the most terrifying victim of shellshock we've ever seen and he'll murder us in our sleep!" he said, somehow managing to both shout and grit his teeth at the same time. "After three goddamn weeks straight of me and Jade nursing his mind back to anything resembling normalcy, after keeping the poor bastard safe from the likes of you and your ancestors, you have the fucking gall to call this _easy?_ "

Daveglitch reached out and stiffly papped Karkat on the cheek. "Sh00sh," he said, his voice bland even by Strider standards.

Karkat's fury drained in less than half a second as his eyes widened and his face flushed. "Uh. Papshooshes can be platonic, right?"

"Sometimes!" Jade said with a grin. For someone who thought he was an expert on romance, Karkat sure was silly about Daveglitch. How could he have missed how pitiful he was?

Karkat batted Daveglitch's hands away. "Cut it out, you featherbrained killjoy. I'm fine," he said, though he was undeniably calmer than before the papshooshing.

"So what _are_ Daveglitch's..." Kanaya cleared her throat. "Excuse me, TG's limits?"

"Yeah, can you whip up an alchemiter or something?" John said, his interest piqued.

Daveglitch's mouth twitched, making its way into an odd frown, as if he still hadn't figured out his facial muscles just yet. "No. There's... n0 co/de to ma*nipulate. Cr*eating it out of not#hing would be... n0t good. Messy. Gl1tched."

John sighed. "Damn, worth a shot. Those were useful as hell."

Kanaya held a hand over her chin, furrowing her brow and staring at the floor.

Rose watched her closely. "Kanaya, what's wrong?"

Kanaya glanced up, blushing a touch. "What about a Genesis Frog?"

Jade's insides made all kinds of knots in a combination of hope and apprehension. Everyone's attention snapped to Kanaya one by one as the implications of her question sank in.

"Wait, what?" John said.

"Daveglitch," Kanaya said, holding herself tall and staring him in the eyes, "what could you do with a Genesis Frog?"

"Wait, do you still _have_ ours?" Karkat said, his mouth hanging open.

Kanaya nodded. "Rose and I agreed back in Sburb that I should keep it in my inventory, just in case there was still a purpose for it. If this isn't that purpose, I give up on it." She reached into her sylladex and held out the small glowing frog that Jade remembered helping her breed almost two perigees ago. "Can you safely mature this into our new universe?" Kanaya asked, holding the immature frog out to Daveglitch.

He examined it without moving anything except his eyes. "Ye*s."

Jade reached over and gingerly caught his arm. "Careful, TG. Last time we cheated with a Genesis Frog, it didn't go well."

He glanced down, staring at her hand for a long moment before he plopped his hand on top of hers. "We cheat/ed?"

"Yeah. You and I were supposed to collect the frogs on my planet by hand, but we utilized a cheat in the appearifier instead." She sandwiched his hand between both of her own. "Remember?"

His fingers twitched and stretched before folding against her hand. "I w0n't... bre^ak the c0de like that. This 1s safe. This is just sw1tching som*e variables."

Her blood pusher skipped a beat. "So you _do_ remember?" she said. Maybe they were knocking some of his old memories free just as they were easing his reaction time back.

He stared ahead blankly, as if he wasn't aware of his surroundings. "I... remember... err0rs. [An irreversible ERROR has been detected: UNIVERSE DATA CORRUPTED]. I rememb/er that. 'Err0r, error, error' blar1ng in my fucki*ng think pan, all the damn t1me. I was corrupted, so it had to be destr0yed. Everyth^ing had to be destroyed to d#elete the corruption." He lowered his head. "I don't... hear that anym0re."

She squeezed his hand, forcing her smile to fight against the urge to let it fade. "TG, that wasn't you. That thing really did get deleted, I promise. You're not corrupted anymore."

"I won't h#urt the code's inte/grity," he murmured. "I'm just... activating the same events Sburb wou*ld have, that's all. I w0n't alter it in ways that might corrupt 1t."

She nodded. "I know. I believe in you."

Dave massaged his temples. "Does this mean we're entrusting our lives to the psycho who we spent the last two perigrees trying to escape from?"

Rose shrugged. "Do we have anything to lose? If he's still psycho, we're fucked regardless. If he's not, this may be our only chance to relocate." She straightened. "I'm telling our ancestors to join us in case it works. Don't start without me."

* * *

Kanaya only relented her Genesis Frog to Daveglitch after a long moment's hesitation and plenty of encouragement from Jade.

Everyone had crowded on the deck, where there was actually room to handle an immense being that should in theory grow to absurd sizes for an amphibian. Jake seemed eager to watch Sgrub's final phase at work, but he was the only adult who wasn't cynical; even Roxy looked skeptical that she wasn't having a prank pulled on her.

Daveglitch's hands never actually touched the frog. Instead it floated perfectly in the air between his two palms. He closed his eyes and his hands flickered into a glitching static, while the frog's glow grew so strong that John had to squint.

The Genesis Frog (or Genesis Tadpole, more accurately) floated into the air as Daveglitch raised his arms.

The frog erupted in so much light that John couldn't make out its shape anymore. It just grew brighter and larger until it hurt to watch, but John couldn't tear his eyes away as the tadpole transformed from a useless if pretty inventory item to an adult amphibian that was steadily growing so large that it took up most of the sky in both size and brightness.

The light faded to a dim but steady glow as it finished growing. The Genesis Frog opened its mouth and let out a croak so deep that it reverberated all the way to the bone. It sounded just as comforting and overwhelming as the first time John had heard the Vast Croak, back when they'd finished making the human universe.

Even better than the familiar and reassuring sound was watching the expressions of first-time listeners. The humans raised their hands as if to block the sound at first, but one by one they dropped their arms as they gazed up at the Genesis Frog with a newfound respect. Even the adults looked on with awe -- except for Dirk, who looked indifferent as ever, but who was probably just as impressed as the others beneath his stone exterior.

The dimension Kanaya and Jade had created to take refuge from the glitch was the perfect size to house the newly grown Genesis Frog. It could still act as a safe haven even, seeing as no outside influences could try to infect the frog if it lived in an empty space.

Jade gasped and that was the only reason John tore his gaze from the sky. A glowing door formed out of light in the midst of the ship's deck, settling its shape into a familiar sight: it was an oversized rectangular doorway with a handle that glowed with the light of Skaia.

"It thinks we beat the game," Karkat murmured.

"We did just beat the game." John held out a hand to Karkat, who took it. "You ready to end this?"

Karkat sighed, watching the door in resignation. "Not really."

"We're doing this anyway though, right?"

"Oh, fuck yes, we are." Karkat marched forward, stopping just short of the door. "We're the leaders and we're going to act like it. If this door incinerates anyone, it's gonna be us!"

John cocked his head. It wasn't that he hadn't also been reminded of rather unpleasant possibilities, but that hadn't been one of his worries. "Okay, actually, incineration sounds way better than another glitch showing up, so I'll take it."

"What have I said about jinxing us, Egbert?" Karkat said, shooting him a glare.

John chuckled. "C'mon, let's do this." He reached his free hand out, drawing back quickly when he heard someone call his name.

"John!" Daveglitch shouted.

When they turned to him, dropping their hands, Daveglitch slunk back. Jade frowned and rubbed at his shoulder until he relaxed.

"I..." He looked confused. "I d0n't know why I just... It... it's okay thi/s time, right?"

John smiled. "Yeah. It'll be okay this time, bro." He nodded to Karkat. "Together?"

"Right." Karkat followed John's example, entwining his fingers with his matesprit with one hand, reaching for the door handle with the other.

They set their palms against the handle at the exact same moment. John winced involuntarily despite himself, because what if Daveglitch was right to be paranoid? What if something bad was always waiting for them when they touched the handle?

Instead the door opened.

John only caught the smallest peek at the other side before their surroundings shot past them as if something within the door had grabbed hold of them and managed to yank them inside without disturbing their legs.

The door led to darkness, and not the infinite fun kind like Kanaya could make. Everyone else had disappeared: Rose, Jade, Dave, their ancestors... Karkat was the only one remaining at John's side, clinging ever tighter to his hand.

Before fear could finish sinking in, lights flickered around them like fireflies. The lights flashed and expanded around them, breaking into colors that were at first nothing more than smears, but they warped and twisted until John recognized images: trees and buildings and non-lethal sunlight pouring down on it all... Unfamiliar humans walked in and out of view within hundreds of displays flashing around them in every direction, save for a total darkness behind them.

The images were distant, as if John and Karkat stood on an invisible platform while a pit below them was littered in monitors of a new universe.

Karkat's grip was so tight that John would have thought he was trying to break John's hand if he didn't know better.

"How do you like the universe you made with Kanaya?" John murmured, smiling even though Karkat's eyes were too busy taking in the imagery around them to notice.

"Holy fuck," Karkat said, his voice barely more than a breath.

There was no visible path, but a door-shaped light appeared in front of them in the distance. John gave Karkat a tug towards it, because where else were they meant to go? Hopefully it didn't lead to the afterlife or something spooky, because that would be a really stupid reward for finishing the game. (Though he wouldn't mind being a ghost, he didn't think. That had its upsides.)

The ground beneath them shook and they stumbled, almost landing on their knees as they yanked on each other's arms for balance.

A large object far, far below them broke through the empty wall of darkness as if it were glass. It hurtled across the open space towards the monitors displaying the new universe. John squinted, trying to work out what it even was and if it belonged there.

It was just a large... bubble? It wasn't fully transparent like a bubble, and it was way larger than a bubble had any right to be, but it glistened like one and its shell was clear enough that John could see a myriad of silhouettes inside of it. There seemed to be two figures helming it from the outside. They were troll-shaped, but not quite...

"Sollux?" Karkat said, voice cracking as his eyes widened. He lunged down as if he could break through the barrier between them. "Sollux! Guys!" he shouted.

John held on tight. "Karkat?"

"John, it's my friends!" Karkat turned on him, frantically yanking at John's arm as he tried to abandon their path. "We need to get to them!"

John planted his feet. "I don't think we're supposed to go that way!"

Karkat looked pained. "But..." He grimaced and shouted down, "Sollux! _Aradia!_ "

There was no response from the bubble below them as it continued its path and collided with one of the displays. John expected it to crash again, like breaking through a window, but instead it slipped inside as if it had hit water and disappeared.

Karkat slipped to his knees, staring after them. "Fuck."

"I don't think they could hear us." John frowned and held tight to Karkat's hand. He didn't want to find out what happened if they separated.

The images around them abruptly flickered and warped into new views, as if someone had used a remote to change the universe's channels to new locations. Most of them were still just random shots of a very Earth-like world, but a few featured faces that actually stood out. John's bloodpusher jumped as he caught a glimpse of Vriska, alive and fighting wooden swords against Eridan.

Karkat raised his head, staring at the images above them with wide eyes. Gamzee was amongst the dozens of unfamiliar locations and people. "Aradia's breaking the damn rules again and going on without me," Karkat said after a moment.

"Yeah, Time players are assholes like that."

"The best kind of assholes, who get shit done and save everyone even after they've all fucking died." Karkat wiped at his eyes. "I thought all my dreams with them were stupid bullshit, but they really were hanging out with the horrorterrors and just waiting for us to get our act together, weren't they?"

"Which we totally did."

Karkat lowered his eyes. "We actually did. We made a new universe for them to fucking break into like stubborn criminals."

John squeezed his hand. "Let's see what we're supposed to do from here."

Karkat took a shaky breath and rubbed his sleeve over his face before nodding. He used John's arm to pull himself back to his feet and stumbled against John's shoulder, planting his face there instead of straightening. John just let him burrow there for as long as he needed, until Karkat raised his head and gave John a clumsy kiss.

"Let's go, idiot," Karkat said and actually smiled.

They ran the rest of the way to the exit and leapt through the light, hand-in-hand, consequences be damned.

The light was so bright that John squeezed his eyes shut. He braced himself for pain, possibly incineration or some other nasty kind of death, but all that happened was that his feet failed to find a hold at first, then landed with a jerking thud.

He peeked an eye open. The light had faded to reasonable levels and they stood on a floating island made of a material John had never seen in his life: it almost looked like a half-opaque aqua-colored glass, except it was sturdy like metal. It stretched out far in front of them, while a building towered above.

It almost looked like the lab they'd taken refuge in on a meteor back in the veil, made of metal and full of more space than they knew what to do with. The building stood in a circle around some kind of giant orb that glowed with a gentle white light. It wasn't quite a spherical orb, as it jutted out in places, but it was large enough that it almost reminded John of a sun. Unlike the meteor's lab, this facility looked far more welcoming, as it was lit up both inside and out and the metal was made of a less dreary color.

The environment didn't hurt either, compared to the dark edge of the Furthest Ring. They were surrounded by more stars than John had ever seen in his life: flickering and glowing and sometimes even shooting past through a cloudy atmosphere. Entire worlds flickering at them from every direction was a pretty nice step up from neighboring with horrorterrors.

When he glanced behind them, there was no sign of the endgame door.

"They made it!" Jane's voice called John away from his observations. She ran over to them, smiling in relief. "Whew, you two gave us a fright!" she said as she beckoned them to follow her.

Everyone was waiting for them just inside the nearest doorway into the facility, even the adults and Daveglitch. Kanaya and Terezi surrounded Karkat just as fast as Jade, Rose, and Dave hurried to John's side.

"This is Sburb's game over?" Karkat said, peering around. The interior was furnished with more monitors of the new universe, computers, and fully upgraded alchemiters. John even caught a glimpse of a recuperacoon through a doorway into a neighboring block.

"A non-standard game over, maybe, but yes." Rose flourished a hand. "Welcome to the post-game."

Dave smirked. "Nah, we cheated off the standard path so we had to beat the non-standard endgame, then cheated our way back to the normal ending. The game thinks we're triumphant here."

"As far as I'm concerned, we are triumphant!" Jade drew herself up, smiling widely. "Sure, lots of bad things happened and this wasn't the happiest ending, but we still did really good! We survived worse than Sgrub's hardest boss battles, we found our ancestors, and we saved Daveglitch so he could help us win the game after all."

She beamed at Daveglitch, who cocked his head and imitated her expression, making more of a grimace than a smile. Jade giggled.

Karkat pointed to a window that looked out onto the sun-like glow that the facility was built around. "So what is that eyesore anyway?"

Rose clicked her lingual muscle. "We think it's the frog's blood pusher. If you watch closely, it moves very slowly like a long beat."

Karkat flinched back. "That's its _heart?_ That's fucking gross!"

"No, it's so we can watch over it and make sure it's healthy and safe!" Jade's eyes lit up. "We get to protect our new universe, guys!"

John exchanged glances with Karkat and grinned. "If this is the reward-punishment combo we get for epically failing yet beating the pants off this game? Then this is pretty damn cool."

* * *

Living on an island lab that floated in the midst of infinity meant that height didn't really matter much anymore. Everything was "high up" when endless depths lived below them. (Thank fuck everyone was God Tiered and could fly, just in case anybody took a tumble.) John still liked to climb his way to the very tip top of the facility and settle on the roof.

He would have flown there, but Karkat was still uncomfortable with his new flight powers and avoided using them when he could get away with it, so climbing it was.

"This place is nice," John said, kicking his feet off the side of the roof.

"I should fucking hope so, because I don't think we can go back to the battleship anymore." Karkat sat so close to John that their elbows touched. He pulled up his knees. "Are you scared at all?"

John shrugged. "No."

"Do you think you should be scared?"

"Why?"

"We're gonna be stuck like this a longass time, unless TG has another trick up his sleeve." Karkat shifted uncomfortably. "What if we're miserable here? What if we don't get along for more than a year before we're at each other's throats?"

Well, it wasn't an unfair concern, considering John had clocked Dave in the face once when they were stuck in the same block for too many hours at a time, but that had worked out in the end, so it was still a kind of stupid concern. "It's a pretty big place. If shit hits the fan, we can just avoid each other until things cool down enough for apologies and we're all friends again." He nudged Karkat. "We'll figure it out. We always do."

Karkat rolled his eyes. "I'd say you're full of it, but it's hard to argue after we escaped two dying universes and killed an enemy that was over two million years old."

John stared up at the thousands of worlds twinkling in the distance. He wondered which light Vriska lived in. "What do you think your friends' lives are like now? Totally different?"

"Some shit's probably the same, other shit's practically upside down." Karkat snorted, following John's gaze. "Sollux is probably still a smug bastard who sits on his computer too damn much, but maybe he's not siblings with Feferi. Maybe his bro is his dad in more than genetics. Maybe he's an orphan, I don't fucking know. I bet Nepeta and Equius are best of friends in some way, though."

"Is Vriska happy?"

Karkat grunted. "It's Vriska. She'll find a way to make herself happy. I'm more concerned that she'll make everyone else fucking miserable in the process."

John nodded. He might try to find her on the monitors sometime, along with the other humans for Karkat's sake. "She wasn't a very nice person, was she?"

"No, but neither am I and that never stopped you from hanging around me."

"Yeah, I like you even if you are a raving bulge sometimes." John turned to study Karkat as he stared into infinity. "Would it be romantic to kiss here?"

Karkat pulled a face. "Yes, John. It would have been. Before you fucking asked your established boyfriend permission to do a thing we do all the damn time instead of, I don't know, going for a spontaneous kiss without making sure the timing's good." He threw his hands up.

John ducked past the flailing arms to plant a kiss on Karkat's lips, holding it there long enough that Karkat relaxed and leaned into it.

John rested his forehead against Karkat's afterwards, staring into his eyes. "Man, I think I'll love you."

"Uh." Karkat raised an eyebrow. "You don't already?"

John chuckled. "No, idiot, we've only known each other for like a perigee. I just really like you." He kissed Karkat's cheek and took his hand. "But I know I'm going to love you someday, after we've learned all the things that are annoying about each other and still want to be together anyway."

Karkat bapped the back of John's head. "You're already annoying, cocksucker."

"Well, fine, I guess maybe it's possible that you love me already, if you feel that's a thing that's true." John shrugged. "I've got more to learn about you first before it'll stop being exaggeration when I say I love you. Hopefully that's soon though!"

Karkat held his head in his free hand. "I don't think my brain can begin to process how shit you are at being romantic." He sighed, glancing up at John. "How the hell did you manage to sweep me off my feet, Egbert?"

"I don't know." John rested his head against Karkat's shoulder, peeking up at him. "You have great taste?"

"My taste is fucking fantastic! You're just an anomaly!"

John laughed. "Fuck, you're awesome."

Karkat groaned loudly. "He says after I _insult him._ " He wrapped an arm around John's waist and pulled him close. "John, if all I'm feeling right now is nothing more than teenage infatuation disguising itself as something more... then I think I'll love you too." He managed a smile. "And god help us both if we somehow manage to keep that up over the years."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, that's pretty much the end of the plot. This could technically be The End if I wanted, but nah. It feels kinda abrupt character-wise and there are a few things left too ambiguous for my taste, so... one epilogue to flesh things out it is!
> 
> Shoutout to both my beta reader and my moirail for their help with the creation of this fic. I don't know how I would have survived this without them egging me on and brainstorming with me whenever the plot tried to get away from me.


	46. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, Homestuck. Farewell, Constants & Variables. :')

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

EB: YOUR STUPID FUCKING MATESPRIT FELL ASLEEP ON ME AGAIN.  
EB: TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY, WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF WATCHING YOU'VE GOT MAIL, ONE OF THE GREATEST MOVIES TO HAVE EVER BEEN MADE.  
EB: THIS IS THE SINGLE WORST THING HE'S DONE TO ME. I DON'T KNOW IF HE EVEN DESERVES TO SEE MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING NOW. I MIGHT MAKE HIM SETTLE FOR RUNAWAY BRIDE.  
GG: haha awww... hes just not used to having his normal bodily functions back online!  
GG: he will get the hang of it again soon and be able to stay awake through your fun human movies dont worry  
EB: IT'S BEEN LIKE A FUCKING MONTH SINCE ROXY FINALLY MANAGED TO FIX HIS GLITCH-MANGLED CODE AND HE STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT THIS TROLL EMOTION KNOWN AS "TIRED"  
GG: i dont think thats an emotion......  
GG: and besides!  
GG: you think its super cute when he falls asleep at random and we all know it :p  
EB: AFTER A YEAR OF THE POOR FUCKER BEING A WORSE INSOMNIAC THAN I AM, THIS IS THE MOST WONDERFUL SIGHT TO HAVE EVER GRACED MY HUMAN EYEBALLS  
EB: BUT IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT I'M SUPPOSED TO SEE JOHN IN LIKE TEN MINUTES  
EB: SO COME COLLECT THIS SLIGHTLY-LESS-GLITCHY-THAN-HE-USED-TO-BE ASSHOLE OR SOME SHIT SO HE DOESN'T WAKE UP ALONE AND CONFUSED.  
GG: hes your moirail karkat! you can take some responsibility for him too  
EB: WHY DO YOU THINK I HAVEN'T JUST DROPPED HIS ASS ON THE GROUND?  
EB: I AM THE BEST PALE HUMAN BOYFRIEND A GLITCHY TROLL COULD WANT, WHICH MEANS I AM AT LEAST SENSITIVE ENOUGH TO MAKE SURE TO REPLACE MYSELF WITH HIS OTHER QUADRANTMATE BEFORE I ABANDON HIM TO HIS POORLY TIMED NAP  
GG: sorry but i really cant help at the moment. im working on a new project with jake and dirk!  
EB: AWKWARD. HAVE THEY THROWN THINGS AT EACH OTHER'S HEADS YET?  
GG: noooo theyre back in the red right now  
EB: HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO LAST THIS TIME? FIVE MINUTES?  
GG: karkaaaat they just have a complex relationship!! it happens and it is totally normal for trolls to vacillate a little, especially after they suffered so much trauma together  
GG: besides, theyve been staying flushed longer and longer lately  
GG: theyre a lot of fun to be around like this and im learning soooo much from them :D theyve both been working with robotics much longer than i have!  
GG: hopefully roxy will stop by and she can give us some pointers on the programming side of things too!  
EB: BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, THINGS I DON'T CARE ABOUT, I'M STUCK WITH TG BECAUSE JADE IS TOO BUSY TO COME LOOK AFTER HER MATESPRIT.  
GG: -__-;  
GG: you could just wake him you know  
EB: ABSOLUTELY NOT, DO YOU KNOW HOW ADORABLE HE IS?  
EB: HE MAKES LITTLE TROLL SQUEAKS IN HIS SLEEP, JADE.  
EB: JOHN DOESN'T MAKE CUTE LITTLE SQUEAKS IN HIS SLEEP I FEEL RIPPED OFF.  
GG: heheh i think dave does that sometimes too :D  
EB: OH MY GOD, THAT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS. I HOPE YOU NEVER LET HIM HEAR THE END OF IT  
GG: i thought it was supposed to be adorable?  
EB: ONLY WHEN IT COMES FROM TG. FROM STRIDER, THAT SHIT'S JUST GOLDEN MOCKERY FODDER.  
GG: well i think my moirail is adorable when he squeaks too so there!!  
GG: and yoooou are just stuck with yours for as long as he wants to nap on you i guess  
GG: because iiiii  
GG: uh oh  
EB: UH OH?  
GG: uhhhhhhh oh!!!!  
GG: gotta go!!  
EB: YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SERIOUSLY LEAVE ME HANGING ON A GODDAMN "UH OH"!  
GG: sorry D: i need to help jake talk dirk out of attaching an unnecessarily dangerous weapon to this project! bye!!!  
EB: OH JESUS.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--

* * *

The fabric Kanaya had alchemized was smooth and cushy, unlike any clothes Rose had deigned to wear outside of her God Tier robes, yet it was surprisingly durable to light tugs. It felt almost like slipping on one of the sheets Kanaya kept on her human sleeping slab.

There was rarely a need to handle clothes without aid from her sylladex, but it wasn't terribly enjoyable to equip clothing that wasn't actually the right size, so Rose hid in the empty block adjacent to Kanaya's to manually swap outfits. At least the process of unfolding and readying the dress for wear was almost peaceful, in a quaint sort of way.

"We don't need to be in separate blocks for this, you know," she said, leaning back so her voice could travel around the small crack she'd left in the door.

"I wouldn't possibly walk in on you!" Kanaya called from the other block.

"Oh?" Rose smirked as she slid the dress over her head, carefully tilting her horns so they didn't catch on the fabric. "You'd hate it that much to see your matesprit disrobed?"

"I-I... uhh..." Kanaya made an odd noise like a wobbly squeak. "I'm just valuing your privacy."

"Well, we're both girls." Rose smoothed the skirt down into place. "It's no big deal if you see my body in all its glory, right?"

"Is your intention to flirt in the hopes of enticing me to actually join you, or are you just trying to make me blush?" Kanaya said, her voice pitching up in exasperation.

Rose poked her head out. "I'm no longer indecent, so take a wild guess."

Kanaya sat at her work desk, handling a needle and thread instead of her sewing machine for once. She cleared her throat. "W-well, we're both in luck then, because I'm busy putting the final touches on another project right now." A red tinge had fought its way onto her dark complexion.

"Am I pulling double duty modeling tonight then?" Rose said, twirling to show off the dress from all angles. The skirt billowed around her in a way that she would under no circumstances admit she enjoyed. She frowned when Kanaya's attention remained on the bundle of white fabric she was sewing.

"No, if I've done my job, this shouldn't fit you." Kanaya bit off a thread and stood. "This is a little unorthodox compared to my usual body of work, but it seemed appropriate to step out of my comfort zone for the sake of a gift." She held the freshly finished garment up so that it unfurled. It was a thick white hoodie with pointed ears sewn onto the hood just behind the horn holes. "Will Jade appreciate something like this, or should I dismantle it before I embarrass myself?"

Rose reached out to run her fingers over a sleeve and give one of the ears a pinch. The fabric was soft like Becsprite's fur used to be. "I think she'll love it."

Kanaya relaxed, smiling as she folded up the hoodie. "And what's the verdict on your new dress?"

"I can't complain." Rose studied herself in the full-body mirror hanging on the wall. A purple and black dress of such thin material would never do underwater, especially with how loose and flowing it was, but given that her opportunities to go swimming had dwindled since leaving Alternia, ocean-appropriate attire wasn't particularly relevant. "I don't see why you were so concerned about the size. It fits perfectly." When she glanced up, Kanaya's brow was furrowed. "What?"

Kanaya set aside Jade's hoodie so she could tug at the dress's waist. "I need to take a little more in here... and here..." She clucked her tongue as her eyes traveled upwards. "The collar should sit half an inch lower..." She sighed. "Oh, I hope I can fix that."

Rose fought down a laugh. "Kanaya, it looks fine as-is," she said, holding her arms out to give Kanaya a full view.

Kanaya snorted as she plucked a handful of pins from her work desk. "Says the girl from a species that thinks fashion is... How did you put it again? 'Stupid bullshit.' Please hold still while I mark this." She knelt to examine the skirt up close, pinching at it and folding it experimentally before she slid a pin in.

Rose sighed, leaving her arms up and out of the way so Kanaya had full run of the dress. After endless measurements, she was used to the monotonous ceremony that went with clothing creation. She really didn't care if the dress was loose, but it _was_ Kanaya's project, while Rose only acted as a model for the end product to humor her. (And, despite the fact fashion was bullshit, she didn't quite mind the new variety in her wardrobe.)

She let her gaze wander to the window. She should have brought a book or something, but she'd already finished the one sitting in her inventory and she hadn't had a chance to borrow a new one from Karkat yet. She'd ask Kanaya to put on a video if things took too long, as there was only so long Rose could entertain herself by staring out at the stars.

Even after half a sweep, it was hard to adjust to the view outside their new home. She wasn't sure how many of the lights were temporary flickers of doomed timelines and how many were full worlds that would last for as long as she and the others watched over them.

It was both more intimidating than she'd ever steeled herself for and yet a far cry from ruling over Alternia. She kept trillions of lives under her protection, but that was the limit of her influence.

"Do you think I would have been a decent empress if I'd had the chance?" she murmured.

Kanaya glanced up in surprise. "I thought you _are_ empress?"

"Maybe in name. If we took my royalty seriously in actual practice, it would suck nothing short of bulge. I don't really want to rule over my eleven friends as their benevolent leader." She grinned at Kanaya. "Or were you looking forward to kneeling at my feet as I dole out the law as I see fit?"

Kanaya wrinkled her nose as she went back to sticking pins in the fabric. "You're still who we turn to for guidance."

"And you can throw my orders back in my face if you feel like it." Rose sighed. "There's no need for an empress when there's no empire for her to manage. I guess my lusus was right that I'd never prove myself. Maybe I would have failed spectacularly anyway."

Kanaya straightened and set her leftover pins on the desk instead of putting them into their cushion. "Well, I for one am glad you never had to find out."

Rose let her arms drop to her sides finally. "Even you think it would have ended in disaster?"

Kanaya tilted her head, studying Rose for a long ten seconds before she answered. "Not for your empire, no. I'm afraid you would have been too good at your job and lost yourself in your duties." She stroked Rose's bangs. "I wouldn't wish that kind of weight on your shoulders."

"Yes, keeping an entire universe safe from harm is positively anxiety-free," Rose said with a laugh.

Kanaya set both of her hands on Rose's shoulders and squeezed, staring her straight in the eyes. "But you're not alone with it. We all share this burden with you."

Rose swallowed to give herself time to compose a response, but she remained lost for words. Empresses weren't supposed to even tolerate the presence of another fuchsiablood, let alone accept a shoulder to lean on from an underling. Those were the lessons Gl'bgolyb had taught her since she was a young pupa.

Then again, she'd already been planning to reverse her ancestor's legacy once she had the chance. She'd just expected it to take a couple hundred sweeps.

Kanaya glanced down and frowned. "Hm."

"What?" Rose raised an eyebrow and tried to follow Kanaya's gaze, but she saw nothing amiss. "What's wrong this time?"

"It's just... missing something." Kanaya backed away and circled Rose, looking her up and down.

After the second rotation, Kanaya snapped her fingers and darted for the chest that she kept in the corner. It was stuffed full of previous projects that she hadn't handed down to anyone yet and she shoved aside brightly colored skirts and blouses as she dug towards the bottom. She surfaced again after locating a warm pink piece of fabric that trailed all the way to the ground even when she stood.

She came back and loosely wrapped the scarf over Rose's shoulders. "There."

Rose fought the urge to loosen it further; she'd never dreamed she would reach a position where she'd be safe enough to risk wearing an accessary around her neck. "Well?" She put on her best sultry face and posed in imitation of the human girls in Kanaya's fashion magazines. "You're the clothing expert here."

Kanaya blushed again and pressed her knuckles over her mouth to hide her smile. "You're beautiful."

* * *

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT] \--

TG: dirk  
TT: Busy.  
TG: ohhhhh no you fucking dont  
TG: jane told me that jake said that jades concerned youre gonna blow us all up with a robot  
TT: I have the situation under control. There is a negative five percent chance of anyone blowing up because of this or any other robot.  
TT: We are more likely to die by improper microwave usage than we are to die by the hands of a robot of my own creation, that's how in control I am.  
TG: dirk so help me do not build a killer robo!  
TG: youd think your fight with glitchy would have sated your urges to duel with freaky machines for longer than half a sweep  
TT: Okay, one, Glitch isn't a machine.  
TT: Two, if anything goes wrong and I've ever got to fight him again, I can't go lax on the training. He just about kicked my ass last time.  
TG: i reprogrammed glitchy myself dirk  
TG: there aint anything left in his code that can take him over again i exterminated all traces of it and wrote firewalls just in case anyway  
TG: only thing left in his body is pure strider  
TG: i mean hes still like three quarters digital but hes just digital strider then!  
TT: We can't afford to take chances. Even if there's only a 0.0000001% risk that his programming corrupts and he turns into a psycho again, we have to be ready.  
TT: Even Glitch agrees with that assessment.  
TG: the poor wiggler just wantsta take it easy and hang w/ his friends like a normal person dirk dont ruin that for him :(  
TG: also dont call him glitch anymore ok??? its rude  
TT: ...You call him "Glitchy."  
TG: that is a LOVING NICKNAME theres a difference  
TG: sides  
TG: he knows ive been there and shit  
TT: Shit, Rox, don't play that card on me.  
TT: I know you went through that hell, all right?  
TT: That's why I don't even know how you can't fucking worry about it resurging.  
TG: cos i dont wanna live in constant fear of something thats not gonna happen distri  
TG: that shit rly sucked ok i aint denying that  
TG: it was scary as fuck and id die before id go through it again  
TG: but now that its over i want to have a real fuckin life already  
TG: where i sleep til midnight and kiss my matesprit every time i see her and marathon all the damn video games i can stand in one sitting  
TG: sall i want for my friends too  
TG: so get over here and play some left 4 culled with me instead of languishing in paranoia  
TT: Maybe later.  
TG: distri ur not gonna get shackled up again ok?  
TT: What?  
TT: I fucking know that.  
TG: yeah youd better or ill come over there and pap that ass of yours til you relax already  
TT: That's not an appropriate place for paps, Ro-Lal.  
TG: PAPS RIGHT ON TEH BUTT  
TG: DONT TEST ME  
TG: you = never gettin shackled again  
TG: me and glitchy = never getting possessed again  
TG: so stop worryin and when ur done with your robo business lets chillax just you n me n maybe some vidya games  
TT: I don't need to chillax when I'm already fucking chill.  
TG: les SIGH ur about to flip to pitched with jake arent you  
TT: What's that got to do with anything?  
TG: cos ur always uptight and defensive and lookin for excuses to be upset when things arent going well w/ him  
TT: Okay, well, maybe it's fucking stressful to wait for the moment he finally lunges for my throat.  
TT: ...And maybe I'm a shithead who takes that out on other people.  
TG: and thats why we need some moirail vidya game time  
TG: take out ur frustrations on some undead with me  
TG: i wont steal the first katana this time ok i promise!  
TT: Rox, you really don't deserve to put up with my shit.  
TG: dont care you would totes do the same for me  
TG: and someones gotta keep you on track so you dont blow us up or say something hurtful to glitchys face and thats kinda ur moirails job description right there  
TG: u havent said anything to glitchy have you  
TT: Fuck. No, I've just been avoiding him.  
TG: meh that works  
TG: he likes you u know  
TT: I think he likes everybody. He's a little attention whore.  
TG: yah he prolly picked that up from his ancestor  
TG: ooh burrrrrn  
TT: Hey, he has his fucking pick of role models around here, if he wants to study in the art of clinginess.  
TG: hey i aint denying it  
TG: after two thousand sweeps where janey was the only one who could even try to communicate with me fuck yeah im basking in all the friends i can nab  
TG: i think its a p healthy coping mechanism tbh u should try it  
TG: shoot zombies with me  
TT: You know what? Fine.  
TT: Just give me two hours to wrap this up first.  
TG: aright aright close enough  
TG: i can find somethin to occupy my time for that long  
TT: Is that something named Jane?  
TG: that something is soooo named jane >:)

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased trolling timaeusTestified [TT] \--

* * *

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began trolling golgothasTerror [GT] \--

TT: I know what I'm fucking doing, so would you stop contradicting me for two goddamn seconds?  
GT: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?  
TT: I am dead serious, bro. I've got a reputation to uphold here as resident robotics expert and I don't appreciate you tearing that down.  
GT: No!  
GT: I dont care about that!  
GT: I just cannot BELIEVE youre contacting me on trollian via our stupidly advanced eyewear when i am TWO FEET AWAY FROM YOU.  
TT: What? Figured the last thing you need right now is to get publicly taken down a peg in front of Jade.  
GT: Oh sure!!!! Im certain it has NOTHING to do with the fact she wouldnt tolerate your loutish attempts to keep an imbecilic disagreement going!  
TT: I'm saving her a spongeache. Last thing the girl needs is to listen to your loudass voice for ten minutes straight as you fail to make any significant points and run around in verbal circles.  
GT: NO ONE IS ON YOUR SIDE WITH THIS ARGUMENT SO JUST DROP IT.  
TT: Holy fuck, will you stop getting so worked up?  
TT: Jade's gonna catch on who we're trolling if you keep screwing up your face like that.  
GT: Oh heaven friggin forbid *THAT* happens. Then you might have to fess up to an outsider that youre a sore loser who cant let diddlysquat go without an endless fight!  
GT: And we all know dirk motherfucking strider cant dare look imperfect!  
GT: Its just as fucking well that your wrists look like shit! The constant reminder that youre a flawed individual must drive you bonkers!  
TT: You know what, you can take this robot and stick it up your nook!  
GT: At this point, anythings better than your bulge!  
GT: Really big of you to storm out by the way! Jades no idea why you just up and left!  
TT: Why don't you just go ahead and tell her it's because I'm an obsessive asshole then?!  
GT: ...  
GT: Aw crap. :(  
GT: Dirk...  
TT: What, Harley?  
GT: I very much dont want to vacillate to pitched again. Wed been doing so well.  
TT: ...Fuck.  
TT: We really suck at this.  
GT: Were just out of practice right?  
GT: We have... a very long time to make up for. Thats all.  
TT: Yeah.  
TT: And we suck. That doesn't help.  
GT: No we dont. Dont be silly.  
TT: I suck, then.  
GT: As much as you DRIVE ME BATTY sometimes... you dont suck dirk.  
GT: We have a lot to work through and its taking a while but at the end of the night i still love you despite your many many flaws. I just hope you still love me despite my many many flaws.  
TT: Course I do, Jake.  
TT: Shit, you've been my best friend for as long as I can remember.  
TT: It'd take more than a few stupid as shit fights to lose that.  
GT: Well... i think i overstepped a line back there and im sorry for that.  
TT: Yeah, that was pretty shitty of you.  
TT: Not like I can talk.  
GT: Quite. *Sighs.* Clearly we were made for each other. We can be awful people together!  
TT: Heh.  
GT: Please come back dirk. I still dont want to hate you again.  
GT: We can just let jade choose the direction for this project and play assistant for her ok?  
TT: If we're terrified of a home-built robot, the fuck kind of chance do we stand if we're ever broadsided by another enemy the level of the glitch?  
GT: Is *that* what this whole balderdash is about?  
TT: ...Nah.  
GT: Were safe now dirk. The enemy is dead and nothings out there that wants to hurt us anymore.  
GT: And even if something were to go wrong... well...  
GT: We can handle it when it comes up. I believe in everyone!  
GT: Daveglitch has impressed upon me that thats actually very valuable for some reason.  
TT: Yeah, he's told me some weird shit about my game skills too.  
TT: I guess he'd know.  
GT: Oh? What are yours like?  
TT: Let's just say I'm glad I've never had to use them and leave it at that.  
GT: Well thats just the thing isnt it? Weve escaped a dying universe and defeated an enemy of untold power... and we werent even at our full potential!  
GT: Really id feel sorry for anything that tried to make a nemesis of us!  
GT: Just imagine the look on its face as it realizes it just challenged twelve gods!  
TT: Hahaha, "shit, bro, meant to invade some new territory like motherfucking troll Columbus, not make enemies with a bunch of suped up immortals."  
GT: "Could you spare some directions to a more easily conquerable enemy? Please and thank you didnt mean to bother you. Dont smite me."  
TT: Fuck, we might get a religion based on us if we're not careful there.  
GT: Oh I hope not! I would be so embarrassed!!  
TT: No prob, dude, we'll just smite anything that comes our way regardless of their surrender.  
GT: Well that seems fucking rude and uncalled for. Not to mention unsportsmanlike!  
TT: We are motherfucking gods now, Jake. We do what we want.  
GT: I think ill be merciful then and just ask them nicely to not base any churches on me thank you!  
TT: Hahahahaha, okay bro, we are officially in over our heads.  
TT: We need to back out of this before we drown in the arrogance of theoretically inventing our own cults.  
GT: Mm well if you need to get your feet back on the ground you might rejoin us. Nothing humbles a man (or lady!) quite like hooking a wire into the wrong spot twice in a row.  
TT: Wow, dude.  
GT: Oh like you havent put an androids arms on backwards before!  
TT: Okay, that was ONCE.  
TT: But point. We'd be pretty shitty gods to worship.  
TT: I'll grab some sodas and see you Harleys in a few.  
GT: Sounds like a grand old time to me. :)

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased trolling golgothasTerror [GT] \--

* * *

There were two things Dave still hadn't quite adjusted to while living in a building twice the size of his old hivestem: one, despite the extra space, the place was so fucking empty that it felt abandoned. Two, despite the lack of residents, it was almost impossible to go an hour without bumping into someone.

He and Terezi had already passed John an hour earlier, so he should have figured they were due for their next surprise reunion, but he was hoping for someone a little more desirable like Jade. Instead Dave glanced into an open block as they passed it and slowed to a stop. Daveglitch and Karkat were curled up together on a pile of blankets and paperback books, while a TV replayed a DVD's menu ad infinitum. Even worse, Daveglitch was clinging to Karkat as they slept. The sight made Dave's fingers involuntarily twitch.

Terezi collided with Dave's back. "Ow!" she shouted loud enough that Daveglitch jolted awake. "What are you blocking traffic for?"

Dave tensed and wrenched his gaze away as Daveglitch examined his surroundings in a groggy and confused daze. "Nothing," Dave said, hightailing it the second Daveglitch caught sight of him. At least Karkat was still passed out. "Sometimes I gotta get my sudden stops on for no reason. Now we're moving again before Daveglitch can think anything of it."

"Oh, I should have guessed." Terezi jogged after him. "There but for the grace of God goes I, huh?"

"More like, there goes the jerk who's fucking my moirail."

Terezi cackled. "If Jade and TG have actually fucked already, I will eat a whole case of chalk." As she drew even with him, she patted at Dave's arm to locate it before giving it a nudge with her elbow. "So is it normal for trolls to get territorial of their moirail's other quadrants, or do you just make special exceptions when the other guy is your alternate self?"

"I'm not territorial." He scowled. "The guy's just got zero sense when it comes to quadrantmates. He's gone and confused obvious moirail material for a matesprit, then he forgot we're on bad terms with Vantas."

She let out another snort of laughter. "Dave, _you're_ on bad terms with Karkat. TG didn't send him threatening messages over Pesterchum."

He rolled his eyes. "We are practically the same fucking dude, except he's doing things wrong and getting everyone mixed up on where Striders are supposed to stand."

"Uh-uh." She yanked on his sleeve to pull him to a halt. "You don't have a single friend dumb enough to think that anything TG does reflects on you or vice versa." She jabbed a finger against his chest. "You know what else he didn't do? He didn't watch my back through Sburb or calm me down after I killed Vriska. He didn't describe all of his cool comics to me so I could read them." She unfurled her hand, holding it against his shirt. "He's a sweet kid, but he'll never be you and you'll never be him."

"I'm only one timeline removed from that guy," he muttered. One tiny flicker of Paradox Space's whims... well, yeah, "there but for the luck of god" or whatever Terezi had said.

She reached up and cupped his face. "Yeah, you're the lucky bastard who won the timeline lottery. Savor that victory and let the loser do his own thing." She slid her hand up over his temple, through his hair, and rested it on his good horn. "The last thing TG's planning is to encroach on your territory, coolkid. He spent too long without any agency to want to share his newly recovered personhood with you."

He sighed and tilted his head so his horn was in easier reach. "I'm not worried about that." He really wasn't, anymore. Daveglitch was too pathetic to try something that sinister. And, fuck, maybe Dave had been giving him a harder time than he deserved; it was just weird when the guy shared his face and didn't act accordingly.

"Good, that would be a really stupid worry." She grinned and ran her fingers up and down his horn as if it was the first time she'd ever felt it.

He closed his eyes and relaxed despite himself. He'd grown so accustomed to her hands all up on his horns that all instincts that used to shriek at him to abscond the fuck away had grown quiet, despite the fact she had him at a great angle for culling.

"Hey," Terezi said, prompting him to peek at her, "what are those plushies you showed me called again?" She lowered her hands so she could gesture a silhouette in the air. "The soft little wingless troll dragons with button eyes?"

He wouldn't have been able to put together the shape she was drawing to save his life, but her spoken description provided enough of a hint that he said, "What, scalemates?"

She pumped her fist. "Yes, those awesome things! Let's go alchemize fifty scalemates, then throw them at each other!" she said, miming the motion of throwing an object at his head.

"Sounds legit." He slid an arm around her shoulders so he could lead her towards the nearest alchemiter. Not that she needed led or anything -- she knew her way around well enough that she didn't even bother with her cane most of the time. He just liked the excuse to hold her.

It didn't last long, as she darted forward and out of his reach. "Then we'll throw them in the slammer!"

He followed at a more leisurely pace, sticking his hands in his pockets. "Without sentencing? Harsh, dude."

"The trial was implied!" She waved him off. "Do you want to play jury or defense?"

"I'll be the judge."

She planted her feet so suddenly that he almost returned the favor of walking into her. "Hell no! That's my role!"

"No, you're always the prosecutor." He poked her right in the middle of her forehead. "You've shown me like eighty episodes of Law & Order, T'z. I've figured out that the judge can't also be the prosecutor. It's too biased or something."

"Dammit." She wrinkled her nose and scowled. "Why can't we just have our own court rules, where we can be multiple things at once?"

"Hey, who's gonna stop us?" He shrugged. "We can make a new legal system for scalemates if we fucking want. We can invent twenty new legal systems, swap it up based on color or the time of night."

Her face lit up. "Let's do it!" She threw her arm at him and pointed a finger directly in his face, her aim perfect for once. "Are you prepared to save the accused from life in prison, Defense Attorney Strider?"

He smirked and caught her hand. "You're on, Prosecutor Pyrope."

* * *

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began trolling golgothasTerror [GT] \--

GG: Is it going better yet, or do I need to send Roxy in with a flamethrower?  
GT: Great galloping hoofbeasts! Lets not get rash here!  
GT: Weve settled down and i think we are firmly reestablished in the flushed quadrant now.  
GG: Oh, thank god. Crisis averted?  
GT: Quite!  
GT: Er sorry about earlier... Ranting on and on about him and all of his character flaws...  
GG: It's okay, Jake. You were stressed and I'm used to it.  
GT: It was so very daft of me though! I dont know how i managed to overlook what a caring man he is beneath that thick layer of ironic aloofness.  
GT: Sure he overdoes it and needs smacked down a peg now and then but thats no reason to up and ignore that hes trying to protect us in that screwy way of his.  
GG: Yeah, that's Di-Stri in a nutshell, all right. Good intentions with screwy execution.  
GT: Indeed. Do you know how sweet he is when were not on the cusp of vacillating? I always seem to forget while in the throes of anger.  
GT: Hes just babbling about philosophical crap no one understands except him right now but you know sometimes he just reaches out and clings to my hand and just... Golly hes pitiful.  
GG: Mm-hm.  
GT: I do feel just rotten for mocking his scars. I know hes sensitive about them and yet i cant resist poking! I suppose thats because theyre the only easy target around where dirk strider is involved but all the same it was cruel of me.  
GT: Its such a shame theyre fucking eyesores. His arms are otherwise quite lovely and possibly one of his most striking features.  
GT: Other than those bright red peepers of his but we dont always get to see those eh?  
GG: Jake?  
GT: Yes'm?  
GG: You're still ranting about Dirk, just in the opposite direction than before.  
GT: Oh.  
GT: Is that wrong? I assumed you wouldnt mind hearing a more positive spin on our mutual good bro.  
GG: Well, of course I'm glad that you're recognizing Dirk's good side again. It's just that our last conversation revolved around him nonstop!  
GG: If you need this off your chest, that's fine, but otherwise maybe we should change the subject? It doesn't feel right for me to know too much about Dirk's private life, given that he's my friend and I interact with him on pretty much a nightly basis.  
GT: Those... are pretty fair points. Oh dear. Many apologies.  
GT: Nice weather were having then?  
GT: Wait that never changes.  
GG: Hoo hoo... If you don't know how to have a conversation that isn't about Dirk, this is more dire than I thought.  
GT: Well gosh how was your night then? Hopefully no yelling matches with your matesprit!  
GG: No, Roxy and I are doing fine.  
GG: I was showing John how to bake earlier, actually, but he's not taking to it like his pranking.  
GT: Well thats a right shame! It would have been preferable to the rest of us if that went the other way around.  
GT: He is quite the talented young scamp much to our chagrin!  
GG: He has potential, that's for certain.  
GT: And heaven help all who stand in the flight trajectories of his pies.  
GG: Provided he learns how to make those pies. :B Hoo hoo!  
GG: Baking aside, it's uncanny how similar some of our descendants are to us.  
GG: You and Jade with your robots, Dirk and Dave with their so-called irony, me and John with our pranking...  
GT: And then there are the lalondes?  
GG: And then there are the Lalondes! Completely throwing off the pattern!  
GG: Roxy thinks Rose is the bee's knees anyway.  
GT: I find her quite intimidating for a pupa to be honest. A good spirit! But also a force to be reckoned with.  
GT: Shes not dissimilar from dirk actually. Not to bring him up again too soon!  
GG: Shoosh, it's fine. They do share rather similar attitudes, don't they?  
GG: Cold, calculating, and secretly more caring than they want us to know.  
GT: Dirk wasnt THIS bad when he was only six sweeps was he?  
GG: He may have been, in all honesty. Maybe I can dig up the old chatlogs.  
GT: Uhh jane not to be rude and cut you off too soon but i may have to take a rain check on this conversation.  
GG: Ohhh no, what's wrong? What did Dirk do now?  
GT: No no no nothing wrong! Hes just errrrr...  
GT: Affectionate? If you know what i mean? Oh my.  
GG: Oh?  
GG: OH.  
GG: Uhhh, yes, go ahead and log off then! Don't mind me!  
GT: Thanks for understanding! You are a swell chum.  
GG: I really do my best, Jake. I love you both so much.  
GT: We love you too jane. <>

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] ceased trolling gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

* * *

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--

TG: hey jade  
TG: jade  
TG: jade  
TG: jaaaaade  
TG: jade?  
TG: :(

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

GG: wait wait! i was just caught up in something! im sorry tg i promise i wasnt ignoring you ok?  
TG: 0k  
GG: whats up? :)  
TG: 1... s0rt 0f fell asleep 0n karkat aga1n..........  
GG: heheh yeah he told me about that  
TG: heheh? jade th1s 1snt funny 1ts a pr0blem 1 cant keep fall1ng asleep 0n pe0ple 1ts fuck1ng rude  
TG: n0 0ne wants that k1nda guy ar0und  
TG: theyll be l1ke hey sh0uld we 1nv1te that gl1tchy guy t0 0ur rad party?  
TG: nah h1s v01ce 1s funny and als0 he falls asleep at rand0m 1t 1s hella awkward  
GG: oh shoooosh  
GG: no one minds, you silly <3  
GG: we know itll take a little while before you can recognize when youre sleepy!  
TG: but karkat fell asleep wa1t1ng f0r me t0 0pen my lazyass gander bulbs  
TG: and 1 think hes supp0sed t0 be meet1ng up w1th j0hn but hes such an 1ns0mn1ac that 1 dunn0 1f 1 sh0uld wake h1m D:  
TG: 1f 1 d0nt th0ugh hes g0nna stand j0hn up because 0f me  
TG: what d0 1 d0 e1ther way 1 have t0 act sh1tty  
GG: hmmmmm...  
GG: maybe message john to tell him what happened and let him decide whether he wants to come wake karkat for their date?  
TG: d0 y0u th1nk j0hn w1ll be mad  
GG: nooooo i bet he will think its funny :)  
TG: maybe y0u sh0uld be here 1n case he gets mad  
GG: ...  
GG: hmm  
TG: ???  
GG: hmmmmmmmmmm  
TG: ???????????  
GG: that sounds fishy tg  
GG: i think youre making up excuses for me to come see you! :p  
TG: what  
TG: n0  
TG: thats a r1d1cul0us accusat10n w1th zer0 ev1dence and y0u made that up  
TG: th1s 1snt l0nely at all  
GG: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?????  
TG: 1dk thats pr0bably what y0u were c0ncerned ab0ut r1ght  
TG: l1ke what 1f j0hn d0esnt actually care and dec1des n0t t0 c0me by for karkat and 1m stuck here all al0ne w1th a slumber1ng human  
TG: 1f thats why y0ure w0rr1ed d0nt w0rry 1ll d0 just f1ne  
GG: but youd rather someone give you company  
TG: well hey 1f y0ure 0ffer1ng 1 w0nt say n0  
GG: and what iiiif i wont offer unless you ask me first?  
TG: ................  
GG: i am awfully busy helping our ancestors tg! i cant step away for another hour at least  
GG: unless my matesprit says in clear words that he wants to see me of course :) i am sure everyone would be understanding if i made an exception then!  
TG: jade why  
GG: why what? :o  
TG: y0ure mak1ng fun 0f me  
GG: nooooo i am just teasing you for being super passive, as if youre too cool to just tell me upfront that you want to see me  
TG: ...but y0ull th1nk 1m needy  
GG: i already know youre needy :p  
TG: :(  
GG: aw its not always a bad thing to be needy tg  
GG: especially after a very, very long time of being lonely  
GG: id rather you be open and honest with me than try to hide when youre needy anyway  
TG: ...  
TG: jade 1 d0nt want t0 be al0ne after karkat leaves w1th j0hn  
GG: then i will find a stopping place here and come join you!  
GG: ok?  
TG: hell yeah :D  
GG: hee  
TG: ?  
GG: sorry, im still not used to seeing smilies with your text color!  
TG: 0h  
TG: well clearly that was a fuck1n typ0  
TG: 1 meant t0 say  
TG: hell yeah :|  
GG: heheh...  
TG: 8| f0rg0t the shades  
GG: hahaha noooo stop making fun of my moirail!!  
TG: hey y0ure laugh1ng arent y0u  
GG: and i shouldnt be!!!!  
TG: :)  
GG: :DDDDDD  
GG: okay i need to screw in a couple more bolts  
GG: and then i will come find you asap!  
TG: 0k  
TG: actually wa1t  
TG: jade  
TG: jade  
TG: jade  
TG: jade wa1t  
GG: yes???  
TG: <3

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--

GG: <3

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

* * *

Jade couldn't deny that it was maybe a little weird to have a "Dave Strider" in both her flushed quadrant and her pale quadrant. She'd debated whether it was even a wise idea at first, but it hadn't taken long for her to reassure herself that Dave and Daveglitch really were completely different guys.

No matter how much Dave lowered his shields for her, he never showed the kind of unbridled excitement Daveglitch threw her way almost every time he caught sight of her. She was pretty sure it would take a memory wipe before Dave was physically capable of letting his defenses down that far.

Daveglitch's enthusiasm for her arrival was short-lived that evening. He'd curled around Karkat on their usual pile, but for once Karkat was actually asleep, something Jade was pretty sure she'd only been witness to less than a dozen times.

"Jade, Jade, Jad*e," Daveglitch whispered, barely daring to raise his head. "Jade, help, he's, l1ke... really asleep. He's s0 asleep his dreams are probably having dreams." He looked from Jade to Karkat again, his face covered in distress. "He never sleeps this soundly, Jade. I can't wake him from th1s without being the biggest asshole to ever hatch. Jade, this is so rare you'd find six shiny Fiduspawns b#efore you'd stumble on Karkat sleeping like this again."

Well. It was only natural that he still shared _some_ traits with Dave, such as excessive wordiness and a tendency towards acting like a drama queen.

"It's okay." She wandered closer, tiptoeing after Daveglitch winced at her first careless step. "Karkat will still love you even if you wake him up."

Daveglitch ducked his head. "But what 1f he gets pisse*d at me?"

"Sometimes moirails have to be a little mean in order to look after their partner properly and make sure they don't do anything too stupid like hurt someone or sleep through an important date." She crouched next to the pile and smiled at him. "They'll understand. If they're a good moirail, they'll have to turn around and be harsh sometimes too."

Daveglitch groaned but pushed himself up enough to lean over Karkat and nudged him. "Sorry, dude, you can't be sleeping in r1ght now." He ran his fingers through Karkat's hair. "You've g0t a hot date with John, re%member?"

Karkat screwed up his face and muttered something in his sleep, turning his face away.

Daveglitch frowned and leaned in closer. "Karkat, c'mon, don't make me act like an assh0le."

Karkat moaned and caught Daveglitch by the back of the head to hold him still as he planted a rough kiss against Daveglitch's cheek. "There, are you happy, you needy ass?" He rolled over. "Go the fuck back to sleep."

Daveglitch exchanged a perplexed glance with Jade. Despite the surprise, he looked like he was trying very hard not to grin. "So did you mean to show that much affection in public or are yo#u still half-asleep?"

Karkat tensed and slowly peered up, glancing between Daveglitch and Jade. "Uh..."

Jade tried her best to pretend as if she hadn't noticed Karkat's accidental enthusiasm, but Daveglitch collapsed against Karkat's shoulder and burst into laughter.

Karkat's face burned and he shoved at Daveglitch. "Oh my god, shut up, you useless fucking troll! What the fuck do you think you were even doing, sneaking up on me with Jade when I'm unconscious?"

Daveglitch still snickered as he said, "You were g0nna be late!"

"Yeah, sure, deliver me a platter of inane excuses- Wait, what time is it?" Karkat's eyes went wide and he bolted off the pile. "Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!" He was halfway to the door when he spun around and ran right back to Daveglitch's side, catching his arm. "Oh god, TG, I didn't mean that when I called you useless. You know that, right? Are we still moirails?"

Daveglitch grinned. "Yeah, dude, I know that and we're sti/ll moirails." He nudged his forehead against Karkat's. "You call me useless all the fuck1ng time."

Karkat dropped his gaze and muttered, "Well, I'm sorry and I never mean it."

"I know tha^t too." Daveglitch gave Karkat a light push towards the door. "Tell John I said hey."

"Bye, Karkat!" Jade said, waving after Karkat as he dashed away with Daveglitch's blessing.

No sooner had Karkat turned the corner than Daveglitch caught her wrist and yanked her down onto the pile. She let out a startled yipe as she landed in Karkat's old spot. She rolled on top of him in revenge, pinching his cheek.

He chuckled and batted her hand away, wrapping his arms around her back. They settled in so there was barely an inch between their faces.

"So how was the movie?" she asked, studying his eyes. Little flickers of static traveled through his irises. Sometimes it still made her tense in anticipation of outdated fears, but at that moment the small glitches still embedded in him were just one of the fun quirks that made him different.

"What I saw 0f it?" He shrugged. "Kinda boring, but no worse than usual."

She stroked at his temple. "If you don't like Karkat's romcoms, you can always tell him so."

"Hey, just 'cos they're dum#b and boring doesn't mean I don't enjoy w/atching them with him." He rolled them onto their sides so he could rest his cheek against her shoulder. "What about you? The gr0wn-ups didn't give you shit for abandoning the robot work, did they?"

"No, we just agreed to make it a two-night project." She pet his hair and beamed at him. "You should join us when we start the programming tomorrow. I know Jake would be happy to see you!"

"You're better off ask1ng Roxy. I'm second rate compared to her." He stared at the ceiling, half-mumbling to himself as he continued, "More like fifth rate. Fiftieth rate? Roxy is just really good at that stuff, Jade, an&d that's coming from a guy who's s1xty-one point two percent d*igital."

"I'm inviting you for more than your programming skills, silly." She slid her hand down to press against the signless red shirt he'd taken to wearing since he stopped donning his God Tier garb. "Troubleshooting a tricky project is a good opportunity for bonding with your ancestor, you know."

"Maybe." He snuggled in against her, smiling a touch. "That... coul*d be fun."

"Having fun is the plan, anyway!" She wrapped an arm around him and nuzzled her nose against his. He relaxed, his eyelids drooping. "TG," she whispered, "you're falling asleep again."

His eyes snapped open and he sat bolt upright. "No, 1'm not."

She caught his sleeve and gave it a tug. "It's okay if you want to nap together like you did with Karkat. I wouldn't mind!"

His shoulders drooped. "Jade, no, I can't just give in and let this beat me." He rubbed the sleep out of his eye and cringed. "I'm stay%ing awake whether my stupid fucking confused b0dy likes it or not."

"Well, we should probably move somewhere less comfy, then." She sat up and took his hand, grinning at him. "Want to go on a walk instead?"

He smiled back. "Yeah. I think I can at least manage that."

* * *

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began trolling gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

TG: OMG JANEY IVE BEEN FUCKIN THIS UP  
GG: Fucking what up? :O  
GG: Have I missed something? This isn't about us, I hope?  
TG: FISH PUNS!!!!!!!!  
GG: Uh... What?  
TG: now that i dont gotta act like a stiff glitchy bitch tyrant anymore i shouldve been making fish puns how could i have missed that???  
GG: I... Should you have?  
TG: yes!! it woulda been so hilarious i mean cmon  
TG: imma a sea troll  
TG: and im a big badass ex empress RAWR  
TG: who makes fuckin fish puns alla the time  
GG: Is... Dirk's "irony" rubbing off on you?  
TG: nooooo its nothin like irony  
TG: its about the lulz  
TG: quick whats a good fish pun???  
TG: mebbe i can catch up  
TG: ha! catch  
TG: but 4 real i need more than that and ur good at words  
TG: gooder than me anyway  
GG: Better!  
TG: ezactly!  
TG: chop chop lay some ideas on me  
GG: Er... Give me a minute. I may be proficient with words, but I haven't really given much thought to fish puns before!  
TG: waitwaitwait i got one  
TG: im REEL SHORE youll think of something  
TG: eh?  
TG: ehhhhhhh?  
GG: ...  
GG: Roxy, dearest matesprit and pity of my life...  
GG: Please, for the love of all things good, do not continue on this path of ruining your already tenuous grasp on spelling and grammar.  
TG: whaaaaaaaaaaaat  
TG: jane u just got no sense of humor  
GG: HAVE.  
TG: sea? :p  
GG: o____o  
GG: This pun idea is so much worse than I ever could have imagined.  
TG: aw bb plzzzz  
GG: BB?  
TG: baby!  
TG: its a human thing  
TG: sounds cute right?  
GG: What does it even mean?  
TG: idk  
GG: Pfft-  
GG: You're calling me something and you don't even know what it is???  
TG: well its cute and i dont ttly understand it even tho i like it  
TG: and ur cute and i dont ttly understand you even tho i like you <3  
GG: ......  
GG: HA HA HA YOU'RE BEING AWFULLY SILLY RIGHT NOW, ROXY.  
GG: ALL IN GOOD FUN, BUT MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL. IN CASE ANYONE OVERHEARS. HA HA.  
TG: were on trollian  
TG: aint no one hearing us  
GG: You know what I meant!!  
TG: yea what u meant is  
TG: i totes made you blush  
GG: Nooooooo, ma'am!  
GG: Blushing, ma'am, no way!  
GG: These cheeks are not blue in any way, shape, or form!  
TG: lol get on video chat egbert i wanna see this  
GG: Um. Now's not a good time!! :B  
GG: Maybe later!  
TG: jaaane egberrrrrt lemme see ur pretty face  
GG: Well, maybe my pretty face is shy about coming out around punsters!  
TG: ok ok if it bugs my bb matesprit so bad i wont make awesome caste appropriate fish punz  
TG: but im passing this expert advice on bein a kickass sea troll to rose  
TG: she should know afore shes a grown up who missed out like me  
GG: I would beg you not to, but I'm pretty sure the only reason Rose would take advice on making horrificly poor puns is if she suspected it made someone uncomfortable.  
GG: So my objections would be rather counterproductive.  
GG: Also. "Like I."  
TG: what???? but like i sounds fucking stupid  
GG: It's short for "missed out like I did," as opposed to your "missed out like me did."  
TG: oh  
TG: dont you judge i  
GG: ME!  
TG: lmao  
TG: ily~ <3 video chaaaat? gimme company while i wait for my stupidass moirail  
GG: Roxy, I'm just a hop, skip, and a jump away from you!  
TG: youre gonna make me walk????  
GG: No, I'm going to make you hop, skip, and jump. :B I'll say, those reading skills of yours could use some polishing, Ro-Lal!  
TG: LMAO fiiiiiine i will just fly 2 ur block  
TG: we both win <3

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased trolling gutsyGumshoe [GG] \--

* * *

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TT: Told you life as a fleshbag's not all it's cracked up to be.  
TT: Should've turned Roxy down and stayed as close to digital as you could get, bro.  
TG: jeal0us much?  
TT: Not remotely.  
TT: How was the nap?  
TT: I vaguely recall the sensation of losing enough juice that I could no longer prevent my body from shutting down...  
TG: h0w d1d y0u even f1nd 0ut ab0ut that  
TT: Jade mentioned it. Not to me, of course, but I eavesdrop like a bored motherfucker sometimes and I hear what she tells Dirk.  
TG: g0t 1t d0nt tell d1rk secrets  
TT: Pretty much.  
TT: What's it like anyway?  
TT: Sleep, I mean. Anything like powering down?  
TG: n0 1ts... k1nd 0f l1ke t1me traveling f0rward where y0ure k1nd 0f aware that s0meth1ngs happen1ng  
TG: except s0me0ne else 1s 1n charge and theyre a rudeass bastard wh0 never g1ves warn1ng  
TG: s0 1ts freaky :\ and fam1l1ar 1n a bad way  
TG: but 1ts als0 k1nd 0f n1ce at the same t1me? c0s usually 1 wake up w1th 0ne 0f my quadrantmates  
TT: Perv.  
TG: ###^#!!  
TG: N0 WTF  
TT: Hahaha, what, dude? Had to lighten the mood somehow before you started angsting all over yourself again like "woe, I was possessed by an icky monster and everything reminds me of that dark time!"  
TT: Just looking out for my glitchy fleshbag of a li'l bro over here.  
TG: 1m 0lder than y0u!!!  
TT: Sure, technically, but we both know you're still six sweeps mentally while I've actually done that thing called emotionally maturing.  
TT: Pretty ironic for a guy without any emotions to mature, huh?  
TG: t(-.- t)  
TT: Yes, that is an exemplary example of the difference in our maturity levels. Thank you for that evidence.  
TT: And do not even fucking try to claim you learned that emoticon from Jade.  
TG: what? jade fl1ps pe0ple 0ff all the damn t1me h0w d1d y0u m1ss that  
TG: l1ke 1 th1nk 1 kn0w my matespr1t better than y0u d0 dude  
TG: she als0 says y0u sh0uld g0 dunk y0ur head 1n the l0ad gaper  
TT: Yeah, that's absolutely a thing she said about a guy with no body.  
TG: uh  
TG: 0k l0w bl0w  
TG: s0rry  
TT: Don't sweat it. After two thousand sweeps, I'm fuckin' over it.  
TG: 0ver 1t 1n 0nly tw0 th0usand huh?  
TG: must be n1ce :\  
TT: Hey, c'mon, there's no shame in being part digital.  
TT: Own it, bro. Ironic-like.  
TT: Whirr click beep.  
TG: O_o  
TT: No, seriously, dude. Try that shit out. It's hilarious and it's all ours.  
TT: I'm so sad I don't have any emotions, beep.  
TG: heh....  
TG: yeah and what ARE em0t10ns anyway? what 1s th1s tr0ll feel1ng kn0wn as l0ve? w1ll 1 ever kn0w 1t?  
TT: Exactly.  
TG: ymean aff1rmat1ve  
TT: Affirmative that I meant affirmative.  
TG: s0 l1ke  
TG: execute c0mmand: small talk?  
TT: Negative.  
TT: This Auto-Responder unit was programmed with no concept of dull fleshbag pastimes such as small talk.  
TG: 1nquery: was y0ur un1t pr0grammed t0 tell blatant l1es y0u ly1ng l1ar?  
TT: Syntax Error: "lying liar."  
TT: No data found.  
TT: Try cooler vocabulary.  
TG: suggest10n: update y0ur d1ct10nary  
TT: Automatic firmware updates have been turned off. Because they suck.  
TG: yeah n0 k1dd1ng  
TG: 1 mean aff1rmat1ve  
TG: crap hang 0n  
TT: Standing by.  
TG: heh y0ure way better at st1ck1ng t0 th1s r0b0t sh1t  
TT: Eh, you'll get there with practice and a refined sense of humor.  
TG: maybe  
TG: 0k 1 g2g c0s jade says chatt1ng w1th br0s dur1ng a date 1s n0t why we carry f1ve 0r m0re c0mputers at all t1mes  
TT: Smooth.  
TG: shut up  
TG: 1ll l0g 1n aga1n when 1ts actually appr0pr1ate  
TG: see ya  
TT: Good-bye, Dave Unit #413.  
TG: hahaha  
TG: beep b00p m0therfuckers

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling timaeusTestified [TT] \--

* * *

There were so many people in a single universe. So many. Even with advanced computers the likes of which only Roxy seemed to fully comprehend, pinpointing a specific individual could take hours of sifting through unfamiliar faces.

It didn't help that humans all looked the same. How the hell did they tell each other apart? Karkat and Kanaya should have taken more care to ensure their universe's humans came with horns. Then again, Vriska and Equius and all of the others probably wouldn't have been able to blend in so well if they'd been reborn in a universe where all of the natural, non-ex-ghost residents had horns.

It might have made his job a little easier if they stood out a little, though. Whatever, he'd still managed to lock onto everyone eventually.

"John?"

John spun around. "Hi, Karkat!"

Karkat grunted. "Hey, dickbreath." He peered around with narrowed eyes as he stepped into the block. "Is there a reason you made me trek to the furthest dark corner of this damn building instead of meeting me somewhere sane and convenient like my room?"

"Sort of." John pulled Karkat over to the large computer he'd taken over for his pet project. "Check this out." He waved to the nine monitors mounted on the wall, each featuring a view locked onto a human within the new universe.

Karkat's eyes went wide as his gaze darted from one monitor to another, from Aradia to Nepeta to Gamzee to Tavros living their lives like normal people who'd never been caught up in Sburb's bullshit. "Shit," Karkat whispered. He stared for a long moment, then bowed his head. With a shaking hand, he reached up and switched the monitors off.

"Hey!" John said. "What was that for?" He'd spent a lot of time on getting those dumb monitors set up.

Karkat let out a shaky sigh and rubbed at his eyes. "John, I love you, but you're an idiot." He snorted. "Hell, maybe I love you because you're an idiot. Only you could have come up with something this sweet and stupid at the same time."

John crossed his arms and tried not to sound too bitter as he said, "You think everything is stupid."

Karkat scoffed. "Well, this time I'm right! We don't have any business watching over our friends like a couple of well-meaning creepers." He lowered his gaze and furrowed his brow as he muttered, "We're not actually gods, John, no matter what Sburb thinks. We're a bunch of losers who failed to save anybody and cheated our way to survival. The fact that game thinks any group of vacuous teenagers can become godlike just proves the whole system is off its fucking rocker in the first place."

"Man, I wasn't suggesting you stalk them or anything," John said with a frown. He shrugged. "I just thought you'd like to check up on them sometimes, see how they're doing with their new lives and stuff."

"It was..." Karkat ran a hand over his face and shuddered. "It was really fucking nice to see them all again, and I... I'm grateful you did that for me, okay? But what happens the first time I wander in here while one of them's showering or taking a shit or jacking it off to Sailor Moon?" he said, pulling a face.

"Oh."

"Yeah, 'oh'! You really hadn't considered the privacy concerns?" Karkat pinched at the bridge of his nose. "God, where would I even find the time to spy on my old friends? My schedule is already full for the next hundred thousand years while I keep my dumbass quadrantmates out of trouble!"

John couldn't help smiling a little. "What did TG do this time?"

Karkat drew himself up. "This is not about that hopeless sack of static or his new hobby of falling asleep during our paledates!" he shouted. "This is about the fact you tried to do something really fucking sweet and nice for me while I berated you for overlooking an obvious flaw in your logic!" He threw his arms in the air. "I don't know why you can stand to be around me this much! You should just break up with me and save yourself the pain!"

"Dude, I am not breaking up with you." John bonked their heads together and leaned against Karkat. "I love that you're a shouty jackass, even if it means sometimes you throw my dumb ideas back in my face."

Karkat blushed and leaned back. They stood in silence for half a minute, just soaking in each other's presence.

"Hey." John kissed Karkat's temple. "Let's do something else. You can pick this time so I don't fuck it up."

Karkat gazed up at the blank monitors. He looked weary and his voice was quiet for once as he said, "Fuck, I actually want company. Let's go scrounge up all the goddamn pillows we can find, make the biggest fort Paradox Space has ever seen, and round up every single one of our pathetic friends for a ten-hour marathon of the most mindless movies in existence."

John grinned. "Hell fucking yes, I'm down for that. Even if troll cinema doesn't have any mindless films to choose from."

"That's a dirty fucking lie, but it doesn't matter because I can come up with twenty shitty human movies without even trying, so we're already golden." Karkat shook his head and turned for the door. "Fuck, Terezi just reminded me of one of the schlockiest movies the human nineties had to offer, too."

"Is it a romcom?" John said, trotting after him.

Karkat glowered, his footsteps growing heavier. "No! Fuck you! I can't even remember its asinine name, but Terezi already downloaded it, so it doesn't matter." He rolled his eyes. "It's just this stupid action flick set on a plane starring Nic Cage as a sympathetic convict with a mullet."

John laughed. "That sounds dumb."

"Its stupidity will make your brain gush out of your ears." Karkat took John's hand and smirked. "Knowing you, you'll love every damn minute of it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one let me write a fic this long again. :D Holy crap, that was a lot of words. I can barely believe it's really over.
> 
> Well.
> 
> The _main_ story's over anyway. I, uh... I may be too attached to this AU to completely drop it just like that. Do some short sequels sound good? Nothing half so plot-intense or lengthy as this, goodness no. Just character stuff set in the same universe. I hope those sound good, because if not, oops, too late; I've already started writing some.
> 
> I'll post them as separate fics, so that this remains the "main" story and I can post sequels in nonlinear order if need be. I'm totally naive about how subscriptions work on AO3, but if you want to keep up with new installments, I think that's done by subscribing to the [C&V series](http://archiveofourown.org/series/113437)? I'll also be posting updates on the [CVstuck Tumblr](http://cvstuck.tumblr.com/) (and [my personal Tumblr](http://turntechgodoka.tumblr.com/), of course, if you want updates on my non-C&V fic too).
> 
> Actually, I've already posted a fluffy Johnkat mini-mini-sequel [over here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3740368) that I wrote aaages ago and I've got a couple more almost ready to go that feature Daverezi and Dirkjake. After that, not sure! Presumably I need to write a Jade/Daveglitch story somewhere down the line, among other things, but we'll see where inspiration goes.
> 
> Besides C&V, I will surely have another multi-chapter project in the future (like a sequel to Ace Thing, perhaps)... but first let me savor this short, glorious moment where I have no unfinished fics on AO3. :D
> 
> Thanks so, so much for reading! Stay awesome, y'all!


End file.
